Get Your Dance On

It's 5:37 pm on Monday. I should be knocking out any of the number of items on my to-do list. David needs his mail migrated. Peggy needs her website's SMTP authentication credentials. Julia can't map a drive on her Mac. These are real people. They work at real companies. They have real problems.

And I am really sorry. Red Army is in the ship, so y'all mother fuckers can wait.

Backed by another solid performance by Jim "Don't Call me Jimmy" Morris and another third period offensive explosion, the Comrades rallied from a three goal deficit to defeat the Renegades and advance to the championship series for the second straight season.

"Just huge, absolutely huge," defenseman Ryan Odell said when describing his penis. "And the game was good too. But guys, look at how I trimmed here. See, that makes all the difference."

Despite early pressure from the Red Army, it was the Renegades who drew first blood, scoring on a pretty passing play midway through the first. The Comrades were unable to match the speed of the attacking forwards and a dropped assignment left a Renegade open for a back door put in.

"Not the start we wanted," captain Mark Hendricks said, placing a cigarette to his lips. "We just had to keep our composure. Things could turn around. We knew that."

After an ill-advised penalty by Tim Stuitje put the Renegades on the power play, the Comrades quickly found themselves down two goals.

"Not the start we wanted," captain Mark Hendricks said, snorting a line of coke off the Sportsplex water fountain. "We knew we would get out of it though. Things were going to turn around. I could feel it in my bones."

Off the ensuing face-off, the Renegades pushed the puck ahead off of the drop and fired a screened shot past Morris to take a 3-0 lead.

"Trade everyone," captain Mark Hendricks said, fastening his belt around his forearm.

Life was pumped into the collective chests of the Comrades thanks to a late tally from defenseman-turned-forward-turned-defenseman Aaron Duda. The towering Duda was able to fire a low shot five hole to bring the deficit to two.

"Zombie training really helps with conditioning," Duda said. "When the dead rise, and they will rise, I'll be ready. Oh I'll be ready."

The second period was more open than the first, as the Soviets deviated from their game in an attempt to claw their way back into it. The result? Another dropped assignment and another puck being fished out behind Morris after a Renegade player had slipped behind the defense.

"That goal got us going," Horton said. "I think after that, we seemed to wake up. We were better than that. We knew it. Plus, it was after that goal that Ryan and I started arguing. It's not a true Red Army game until we have at least a few choice words for each other."

It didn't take long for the Soviets to respond. Mark collected a puck in his defensive zone and fired a pass up to Stuitje, who fired a low wrist shot five-hole on the goalie.

"We needed that," Stuitje said. "We were back within striking distance. And that is my favorite distance."

The Comrades pushed for more as the period wore on, but could not beat the Renegade goalie. Late in the frame, an uncharacteristic turnover by Mark sprung a Renegade on a breakaway. Morris, who time and time has been leaned on to make the big save, came up huge, shutting the door to keep his team close.

"That right there, that was when the tide turned," Brian "Beege" Hendricks said. Brian has spent the last 13 years studying tides.

No one will deny this season has not been a great one for the Soviets. The team stumbled out of the gate, starting the season 1-4-1, with their lone victory coming via the forfeit. The second half of the season however, was a different story. The team closed out the season on a 5-1 run, playing a more structured system, with lower scoring games and a team-wide commitment to defense. The staple of their late-season resurgence? Their third period prowess. Entering the third period of their playoff game versus the Renegades, the Comrades had outscored opponents 8-1 in the third period alone in their last two games. For the Comrades to pry a playoff victory from the clenched jaws of defeat, they were going to have to do it in their patented, Dickensian way, and play one hell of a third period.

And that they did.

Four minutes into the third, after an extended offensive shift for Stuitje and Pete Collis, the puck came loose in a mess of bodies at the front of the net. Stuitje avoided a defenseman, found the puck, and jammed it between the goaltender's legs for his second of the game to bring the Soviets within one.

The very next shift, the top line of Mark and Neal Hendricks, who had been quiet all evening long, finally woke up. After an errant Renegade pass back to the point missed its target, Neal outraced his defender down the rink, collected the puck, cut to the net, and deposited the puck on his backhand to knot the score at four.

The plex was rockin'.

The duo stayed out, and almost converted less than ten seconds later, after Neal sprung Mark on a mini breakaway. Mark's shot was thwarted by the goaltender, but the two would come calling again after the ensuing offensive zone face-off. Mark intercepted an outlet pass, and fed Beege at the point. Beege walked in, faked a slap shot, and passed back to Mark, who fired a back door pass to Neal for the one timer strike.

In less than three minutes, the Comrades had gone from two down to one up.

"There were still eight minutes in the game," Collis said. "So we needed to keep playing our way. And I needed 30,000 more miles."

The teams traded chances down the stretch. The Renegades had another power play, but a solid penalty kill effort by the Comrades staved it off and held onto the lead until there were under two minutes to play. Then, after a failed clearing attempt by Beege kept the Renegades in the offensive zone, they struck after a seam pass found an open forward in the slot. With 1:50 to play in the third period, it was a 5-5 game.

"The key was staying positive," Mark said. "You can't look at it like you just gave up a late goal. You look at it like you're in a tie game and it's next goal wins essentially. We are very comfortable playing in that situation. This group is battle tested. And HIV tested. I'm positive we are."

The Comrades opted to call their time out, and sent out their second line for the draw, despite the Renegades sending out their top four players. Though there may have been a mismatch on paper, it was the Soviets who drove the play, cycling in the Renegade zone for nearly a minute and generating two scoring chances before the puck was deflected out of play.

The Soviets made a full change. The Renegades did not.

The Renegades skated across center and into the Red Army zone, working the perimeter to spread the defense out. Lacking the energy to drive to the net as they had done all game, the Renegade defenseman wound up for a slap shot from the point. Mark stepped in front of it, blocking it, and springing a two-on-one rush with Neal. Mark's shot was kicked aside, but the forward corralled the puck in the corner, and threw the puck to Beege at the point. Beege through a lateral pass across to Odell, who caught the pass, and in one motion, fired a chest-high wrist shot toward the net where Neal was parked. Neal deflected the puck down below the goaltender's blocker and just above the outstretched leg pad into the net.

With 24 seconds remaining, the Comrades had scored their fourth goal of the period and had taken a 6-5 lead.

"We instantly went into defensive mode," Beege said. "The celebration was brief. It was fist pumps and hugs, then, 'On the draw, you cover him, you go here'. This ain't our first rodeo." Beege then continued. "I've been to one other rodeo. Cheyenne, 1999. There were pancakes."

The Renegades mustered two shots toward the net in the final 24 seconds, but both were blocked, and cleared away. The final seconds ticked off and the horn sounded. The Comrades, thanks to yet another impressive third period, found themselves in the victor's circle, and had danced their way into the championship series.

"Just have to keep it going," Odell said. "If you stop before the shaft, you lose a few inches."

THREE STARS:
3: Tim
2: Neal
1: Jim

Hey, you up?

Baby,

I missed you.  I should have never left.  I regret it every day.  Sometimes I find myself staring up at the sky at night, wondering why you're not there next to me, snuggled in my arms.  We were great, and baby, we still can be.

I know what you're thinking.  You can't, you'll get hurt again.  You've moved on.  But baby, this time it will be different.  This time I won't abandon you.  This time I won't promise you things and fail to deliver.  This time I will deliver the goods, and you be left breathless, frenzied over how I have rocked you with my cornucopia of love.  It will be wild, but it will be tasteful.




If I had more time, I'd continue this romantic hype-buildup.  Alas, I am a working man with deadlines and meetings.  But, the Digest is back.  We're starting small, with a goal of one-to-two articles per week.  If we can keep that up, anything is possible.

EDITOR'S NOTE: "Anything" = 3 articles per week

Keep on rockin' in the MotherLand you crazy comrades.

- Barry

Red Army Returns to the Finals

The Soviets defeated Prestige Worldwide 3-1 on Thursday night and advanced to the championship series, where they will face Trailside in a best-of-three series for the second straight season.

Trailing 1-0 midway through the game, Aaron Duda struck to tie to score at 1.  Mike D'Ignazio tallied late in the middle stanza to give the Soviets the lead, and Mark Hendricks scored an insurance marker on a breakaway with four minutes remaining in the third period to seal the win.  Kevin Durkin steered away 21 shots en route to the semi-finals victory.

-Associated Press

Feel Good Stat du Jour

Despite being a bit hungover today, I've still managed to give 78% effort at work.  The post lunch dip in caring (PLDC/60) will drop today's average to near 63%, but for now, it's commendable.

#FancyStats

TSARS AGAIN

Near the midway mark of overtime, Mark Hendricks collected an outlet pass from Tony Horton at the top of the Soviet defensive zone.  Hendricks raced down the right wing and tried to beat the last remaining defenseman along the boards, but was interfered with while trying to work to the inside, resulting in a delayed penalty call.  As goaltender Kevin Durkin raced to the bench for the extra attacker, Mike D'Ignazio retrieved the loose puck to continue the offensive thrust.  D'Ignazio skated toward the slot to unleash a slapshot, but was hit as he shot, managing only a weak, low shot that was kicked out by Trailside's goalie Chris Celenski.  The referee, deeming that Celenski had not controlled the puck, allowed for play to continue.  With D'Ignazio and the Trailside defender both tangled up, Hendricks swooped in and picked up the rebound, taking a step to the side of the outstretched Celenski before firing the puck into the back of the net to end the game, the series, and the season.

The Soviets were once again Tsars of the division.

"I thought that whistle was going to blow," a euphoric Hendricks said after the game.  "I mean, I thought their guy actually touched the puck before Digs shot it.  Then when Celenski stopped it, I thought it was going to be blown.  But, you always play til the whistle, so I kept going.  When I had that puck and I was in alone, I don't know, I knew he robbed me earlier on the same play, so I took it a bit wider.  I knew I had to end it there.  When it went in, I don't know... I just jumped.  I think I tried to tackle Odell."

"It was like jumping into a lover's arms after you hadn't seen them in six years.  And, there had been a world war that had separated you," Odell said.  "No homo though.  I talked about war.   It was manly.  A manly hug.  God damnit it felt good."

The celebration was brief though, as D'Ignazio was still lying on the rink, not in a state of euphoria, but in a state of fogged delusion.  The forward's collision with a member of Trailside's defensive corps was no fender bender.

"I remember getting that puck and trying to shoot," D'Ignazio said after the game, sporting an ice pack on his head.  "Then I remember just looking up and getting crushed.  Then, a bright light.  My great grandparents were there.  They were motioning to me.  They were waving me in, and I was floating.  I was floating toward... a Chick Fil A... "

"Hold still Digga," Captain Steve Hand interrupted D'Ignazio's story to grab a few ice cubes from the ice pack to put in his Apple-Tini.  "Annnnd all good.  Hey, who read the latest Vogue?!?"

The Soviets scored the first goal of the game, as they did in each one of their five playoff games this summer, about ten minutes into the first period.  Jason White made a smart pinch in the offensive zone to keep the puck alive, and passed the puck to Hendricks who was waiting at the top of the right face-off circle.  Hendricks received the pass and cut to the slot, unleashing a backhand shot that nicked the right post and crossbar before landing in the back of the net.

"I saw two guys pressuring me, so I knew [Hendricks] would be open," White said.  "It was a good way to cap off that shift, we we're owning the puck that shift."

Continued White, "I don't always show up on the score-sheet, but when I do, it's against Trailside in the playoffs."

Red Army continued to carry the play as the period progressed, but the Comrades were unable to establish a two goal lead.  D'Ignazio and Hendricks both missed on back to back golden opportunities, and before long, on a counter-attack, Trailside had evened the score at one.

"Just had a bit of a breakdown there," Jamie Simek said.  "We were running around in our own zone and they made us pay.  Still, going into the first period tied at one, I think we were happy.  I know I was, there were sillies galore upstairs and very few trifling ones.  Oh sure."

In the second period, the teams again traded chances, but it was the goaltenders who shined brightest.  Both Durkin and Celenski were tested, but neither would budge.  Durkin was bailed out by Pat King late in the middle stanza when a high shot ricocheted off of the back boards and back in front of Durkin.  King swatted the puck out before a Trailside forward could jam the puck home.

"We're going to need a bigger boat," King said.

Asked to expand on what he meant, King responded, "Hash tag shark week.  Now grab a dummy seal and get in my shark sled!"

The Red Army reclaimed the lead in the final two minutes of the period, on a broken, and very lucky, play.  Two Trailside players criss-crossed at the top of the offensive zone.  D'Ignazio challenged puck carrier who was not expecting the defense.  The Trailside player tried to make a pass but D'Ignazio deflected it a few feet away from the two of them.  Hendricks abandoned his defensive assignment and sprung toward center, anticipating that D'Ignazio would win the race and feed him the puck for the breakaway-- a risky play the forward would admit later.  D'Ignazio did win the race and did feed Hendricks the puck though, and Hendricks made no mistake on the breakaway, scoring on a backhand shot to the roof to give the Soviets the 2-1 lead.

"I knew right when I left my man it was a risky play," Hendricks said.  "If Digs hadn't gotten it, it's a 4 on 2 the other way.  But, if he did get it, it was a breakaway from center.  You have to take chances if you're going to win, and you have to have guys that can let you take those chances.  I've been lucky to play with guys that I can take more chances than other guys," Hendricks then paused, and said, "but I swear I'm defensively committed!  I swear!  I had like, four blocked shots this season!"

With the lead going into the third, the mantra on the bench was to not deviate from the game plan.  Fifteen minutes of good hockey and the team would be champions again.

They relinquished the lead on the first shift.

"Not exactly the way we drew it up," Horton said.  "In fact, it was quite terrible.  The nation of Germany hasn't even done something that terrible."

Horton then loosened his collar and looked around briefly before continuing, "I'm of course joking... we gave  David Hasselhoff way too much fame."

Things went from bad to worse with four minutes remaining when Hand was whistled for a roughing penalty. The Trailside power play, which had been lethal all playoffs, went to work.  King, Simek, and Horton killed the first minute, selflessly throwing themselves in front of shots to keep the pucks from getting to Durkin.  When the shots did get through, Durkin steered them to the side or out into the meshing.  It looked like the Comrades would survive the late scare until a failed clearing attempt with ten seconds left on the penalty was kept in by Trailside.  A point shot was deflected en route, landing perfectly on the blade of a Trailside forward positioned to the side of Durkin.  Before Durkin could scramble over, it was 3-2 Trailside with a bit more than two minutes remaining.

"No panic," D'Ignazio said when asked to describe how the bench felt after that goal went in.  "We were resilient.  All season long we've thrived in one goal games.  We were within striking distance, they got a bounce, we could get a bounce too."

And they did.  But first, they got a power play.

Hendricks was tripped near center, giving the Comrades their first power play of the game.  They stacked the unit, keeping Hendricks and D'Ignazio out there, but adding Odell and Aaron Duda to the point.  The unit went to work and maintained good puck possession, but couldn't generate shots.  With a little more than a minute remaining in the game, Hendricks took a pass from D'Ignazio on the goal line to the right of Celenski. Hendricks attempted a pass through the crease to Duda who was crashing the net back door, but the puck hit a defenseman's skates and trickled through Celenski to the back of the net.

With just over 60 seconds remaining in their season, the Soviets had rallied to tie the game.

"I felt like the guy in Shawshank Redemption when that went in," Hand said.  "Or the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional."

In overtime, the Soviets actually had a power play opportunity to win the game, but were unable to capitalize. Durkin made several key saves to prolong the extra frame, but the best play came from Duda, who made a diving poke check on a breakaway.

"One of the many advantages of being eight feet tall is my reach," Duda said.  "And, I can ride any roller coaster."

Shortly after that poke check, Horton threw the puck around the boards where it landed on Hendricks' stick, and the rest is, well, history.

"You always remember your first," D'Ignazio said.

"Dude," said Simek, "That's kinda gay."

THREE STARS:
3:
2:
1: Pete Collis, Mike D'Ignazio, Aaaron Duda, Kevin Durkin, Steve Hand, Mark Hendricks, Tony Horton, Pat King, Ryan Odell, Jamie Simek, Jason White

Your Feel Good Stat Du Jour

In the last 36 games the Red Army has played (including both the postseason and regular season), the team has a record of 31-5.

31-5.

That "life support" claim made by Mr. Sopko two seasons ago, is, how appropriately, dead.

BONUS VIDEO:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAl-ZyI8R5Y

RED ARMY: CHAMPIONS

Unless you have been living underneath a rock for the last four days, you know that the Red Army defeated Trailside 4-3 in overtime in the decisive game three to win the series, and the team's first championship in nearly two years.

But, even if you do know that, we still want to blog.

So we're gonna.

Unhhhhhhh.