Two Scrimmages, Two G"OH"LS!

Coming off back to back scrimmages Thursday night, the Red Army looked at times like the team many think they can be. The first scrimmage against division foe Stop Staring at My Chest proved to be a difficult challenge. At times the Red Army looked tired, especially in the defensive zone. Luckily Spitzel was there to stand on his head to keep it close. Shooting on just the posts proved to be no mean feat, but the goal of the game came midway through the game. Superstar Mark Hendricks took the puck at center and weaved through the defense before firing a shot from his knees. The shot nicked the inside of the right post and gave all in attendance a raging boner.

The second scrimmage was vintage R.A. hockey. For one hour, the combined team of Mad Dads and Individual Team were on their heels. Jameson Simek led the scoring with four. Expect more from this blooming stud. Steve Hand and Mark Hendricks also contributed with hat tricks. Hand's third goal was a pretty give and go with Hendricks that put the proverbial nail in the coffin.

Focusing on Mother Russia's favorite rookie, Andy Schram looked nervous for the first half of the night, but came into his own the more he was out there. He did score the first goal for the Red Army, on a rebound a few minutes into the first scrimmage.

Notes: The post game festivities provided some interesting moments. Hand helped a small Peurto Rican boy perfect his wrist shot. This counted as 12 minutes of community service that is court ordered for Hand's prior counterfeiting arrest (for those of you unaware of the story, Hand was caught manufacturing $1,000,000 bills with a picture of his testicles as the centerpiece.)

Schram played goalie the final minutes of the second scrimmage, and had one great kick save, even earning the nickname "Brodeur" by the opposition.

Before leaving the rink, Hendricks placed the puck about 20 feet left of the goal on the goal line. With Schram in net, Hendricks slid baseball style and shot the puck from his stomach towards the goal. The puck ricocheted off of Schram's glove and found the back of the net. The remaining fans serenaded Hendricks as he left with bras and panties.

Hand, Schram, and Hendricks were all talkative after the game. I was able to ask Hand about his extended ice time (at one point Hand skated for 19 straight minutes).

"Ya I skated 19 minutes, who else would be out there?"

I was able to ask Schram about how he felt after his first game as well, he had this to say:

"At first I was a little nervous, but after pouring myself a long island ice tea on the bench I calmed my nerves... hold this cup real quick" (He handed me a cup of rum while he removed his jersey) "Point being, sometimes you just gotta drink a little. A man's only as good as his last drink. Oh, write about my goal."

And finally, Hendricks:

"I guess sometimes... awww yeah.... I mean ya know it just goes.... oh right there right there.... you just do what you.... wow wow wow yes yes yes.... yeah definitely."

(Hendricks was interviewed while being the recipient of a fan's enthusiastic fellatio after the win.)

The team was given the day off tomorrow, but expect them to practice 5 minutes before Sunday's game against the Grenades.

Roster Update

I just got off the phone with team captain/general manager Mark Hendricks. He informed me that seldom used, all star center Matt Mcvay will dress tonight to fill in for some of the missing players. Expect Mark and Matt to center the two lines.

Also, as usual Alex Spitzel will be tending the net tonight. Backup net-minder Matt Kraus is nursing a hip injury and will be filling in for Spitzel at the Patriot Center.

As the season continues, I plan on doing a biography piece on each player. For now, lets just focus on seeing some good hockey for the first time in months.

New Season, New Hopes

It was a long off-season for the Red Army, one that began all too early. After a disappointing 8-3 loss to the Cryptic Stench in the first round of the playoffs, the players exited the rink with many unanswered questions. Those questions will be answered tonight as the Red Army faces off with their old rival Stop Staring at My Chest. A few personnel changes were made in the past few months, but all in all the starting lineup looks much the same. Mother Russia's Finest resigned two players over the off-season, inking defenseman Brad Lotocki and center Peter Hendricks each to 2 year extensions. Keeping with team policy the financials were not released, but Lotocki has since moved into a larger estate in the suburbs of Virginia.


Two players to keep an eye on tonight are Andy Schram and Jameson Simek. As you recall, Simek played two summers ago notching an assist in his first season but failed to find the back of the net. Expect that to change this season. After training with the minor league affiliate Trailside Tigers, Simek looks poised to make an impact on the score sheet. True rookie Andy Schram is making his debut tonight. Known for his physical play, Schram can scrap with the best of them. He should also supply some security for the Hendricks brothers and keep other teams' enforcers at bay. Both Schram and Simek have large shoes to fill however, as they will be expected to replace Neal and Brian Hendricks, two players that contributed for over twenty goals last season.

As usual, it isn't hard to find a quote or two from this bunch. Rookie of the year runner-up Steve Hand had this to say about his expectations for the upcoming season:

"I feel great about this season, uh we acquired some great talent in the off-season, i got talent, Americas got talent. I feel like the other teams in the league don't stand a chance, because they continuously over-underestimated the army. Spitz is in goal, and has our backs, no matter what. Check out my new book"

Hand here was referring to the book he published in the off-season "Any Burr in That Cup Bro?" about the trials and tribulations frat guys endure of hosting parties where proper beer pong etiquette is practiced.

Injury Update: Hand is nursing a cold but says he will play tonight. M Hendricks complained of a swollen pinky from a ping pong related injury but also says he will travel with the team.

Scratches: Peter Hendricks (Girlfriend's birthday), Chris Duhaime, Brian Lynch

Time to start a new season boys.