Red Army vs Maple Leafs... aka... David vs Goliath (who happens to be a total douche)

The sky was a crimson tint as the six brave soldiers of Red Army filed through the sportsplex doors. They marched through the lobby, appearing unfazed by the hoards of people (Maple Leaf fans) jeering them with insults. The six of them: Steve Hand, Mark Hendricks, Brad Lotocki, Andy Schram, Jamie Simek, and goalie Alex Spitzel dressed for battle with much of their attire still soaked with sweat from the last game (and poor equipment management... Hendricks' pads were especially smelly that night.) Then came warmups! (In case you didn't realize, I'm trying to do a 300 esque thing here, so when you see the end of a paragraph end with an exclamation point, imagine a compilation showing a series of montage events with strange clips in slow motion. I'll help you out with the first one, we'll start from the top: Then came warmups! The six boys shooting around the rink, Hand lines up for a slapshot in slow motion, his shot flies through the air pinging off the post in real time... pans to the other end of the rink where the Maple Leafs are drinking the blood of virgins. Also their goalie breathes fire... in slow motion. Get what I'm doing? Actually I'll do it the whole story so we're all on the same mythologized page.)


The opening faceoff featured Hendricks against their top star, a 9 foot tall half man half lobster creature that possessed the talons of an eagle and the ability to read at a 3rd grade level. As expected, it wasn't a clean draw. Before the puck hit the rink's surface, Half man half lobster (or Slagathor as his Jersey indicated) drew a dagger from beneath his exoskeleton and thrust it into Hendricks' side. Hendricks, though dazed (and probably confused) managed to soccer style the puck back to Lotocki. Lotocki was immediately pressured by the Maple Leaf's winger, a grizzly bear who traveled with his army of dwarves. The bear-led army charged and stripped the puck, leading an odd man rush of 83 on 2. Simek and Hand were able to strike down a few of the dwarves (sidenote: as we all know, dwarves are asexual and produce through spores... it was counted at one point during the 3rd period the Maple Leafs had 395 players on the rink, 390 of them being the little bastards) but it was to no avail, before 8 seconds into the game the score was 1-0.

The next 2 minutes weren't any kinder. Before the five minute mark, the score was 4-0. The rink echoed with shrill battle cries of the Maple Leafs and virgins being slaughtered. At 6:18 of the first, Slagathor made a mistake... he pissed off Mother Russia. Crashing the net he bowled over Spitzel, leaving a gaping net for a dwarf, who tapped the puck in with his axe. But the damage was done, the Maple Leafs had awoken a sleeping giant. It was time for a line change! (Again, montage time... I'm thinking it shows Simek hop over the boards onto the rink in slo-mo, followed by Spitzel splashing water over his face. When Hand leans in for the faceoff, his eyes are bright red like a werewolf too and there is dwarf blood dripping from his chin. Hendricks is to the left, lined up next to Slagathor. The puck drops, and we are back at real time.)

Hand pushed the puck through their centerman's legs, catching up to it on the other side. It was the first time the puck had been in their half of center. With 9 dwarves on his back, Hand centered a pass to Hendricks who was cross checked as he shot wide. The puck bounced off the boards to Hand who dangled around 24 of their players and looked to shoot. Slagathor raised his claw to behead the streaky sophomore, but before the beast could deliver its fatal blow, Hand found Hendricks in the slot. Hendricks ripped a shot that tore a whole in our atmosphere, but it was a price humanity was willing to pay...the score was 5-1.

Moments later a similar rush occurred, again Hand and Hendricks, or Handricks as the fans affectionately call them, advanced the puck. Hand flipped the puck to Hendricks, who one-timed a pass to Lotocki. Lotocki made no mistake about it, and deposited the puck in the twine making the score 5-2. Something strange was brewing in Dulles.

Still 5-2 late in the 1st, the Maple Leafs were attacking. Spitzel, with one bad knee from Slagathor's tackle, stood on his head blocking shot after shot. With 30 seconds to play, the puck bounced to the left of the cage. Lotocki raced to it and made a crisp outlet pass to a streaking Hendricks. Hendricks caught the pass and put on his burners, skating around two defensemen, before sniping. The puck soared through the air, gently nicking the crossbar and right post before settling in the back of the net. Almost instantaniously the horn sounded. It was 5-3 at the first intermission, and the Maple Leafs were pissing their proverbial pants.

Between periods, Walt Disney's body was unfrozen and brought to Dulles. With such an epic underdog story brewing it was imperative that his corpse be witness to such a spectacle. He was escorted out of the rink 3 minutes into the period when the rink's smell of greasy food and sweat was replaced by rotting flesh and maggots. By the time Walt had left the score again had changed... 7-3 Maple Leafs. But like the cow in Me Myself and Irene... the Red Army would not go quietly into the night. No matter how many rounds Jim Carey unloaded into the skulls of the players... they would continue to moo. With Hendricks parked in the slot battling with a goon, Lotocki grinded along the boards before feeding the scalding hot winger. Hendricks made no mistake about it, one-timing the puck five-hole. 7-4! With the players skating on fumes and a wounded goalie, it was a miracle the period ended with the deficit just 5, at 9-4.

Sometimes messages need to be sent. This was one of those times. The Red Army played the remainder of the game without a goalie, Spitz's knee was missing, and all 5 skaters remained on the rink for the duration. The Maple Leafs viewed this as an opportunity to pad their stats, wrecklessly firing on the empty net even with Red Army defenders in front. With the game well out of reach, Hendricks looked to at least dent the twine one more time. He stole the puck, raced up the wing and looked to fire. Before he could unload his shot, a dick on the Maple Leafs unleashed a two handed, baseball swing slash to his right wrist. Hendricks dropped to his knees clenching his wrist. As a 2 minute penalty was handed out for slashing the Maple Leafs continued talking trash (sidenote: they were bad at talking trash). Schram decided he wasn't good with words, he'd rather use his body to do the talking. With a few minutes left to play, as another Maple Leaf and Lotocki were roughing around Schram earned his stripes. Dropping his stick and gloves, Schram came in and tossed the Maple Leaf around like a cheap hooker. The fight was short, but it proved the Red Army was no pushover. Schram's actions, even with him watching on from the box, proved to be a deterrent for the Leafs trying any more rough stuff. I was able to hear an exchange that occurred just before a faceoff toward the end of the game.
Maple Leaf: Don't think I won't slash you again.
Hendricks: Slash? Ha! Pussy just hit me, don't use your stick you queer.
Maple Leaf: You... you aren't good.
Hendricks: (While fucking his mother) Karen (his mother) says hey
Maple Leaf: (crying) I think I'm gay



SO there you have it. A slightly edited version of the game. Some goals, an almost comeback, a fight, and a rivalry... that's good journalism.

Hey There...

So... what's it been? Almost 15 days since I last hollered at ya? Sorry about that, I have been swamped with work here in the office (ESPN is having me cover a NASCAR event). A lot has transpired in these past 15 days, including zero wins and five losses. I'll briefly recap the games with a list of positives and negatives from the games. I think these simple graphics will really help understanding how the games played out...


12/6 VS OLD SCHOOL (3-12 LOSS)

POSITIVES: after 25 minutes of game play, the score was 5-3 Old School... a 2 goal margin against arguably the best team in the league is something to be proud of, especially given it was an extra short bench.
NEGATIVES: after the final buzzer, the score was 12-3 Old School... a 9 goal margin against any team is something to be ashamed of, even if it was an extra short bench.

12/9 VS STOP STARING AT MY CHEST (5-12 LOSS)

POSITIVES: the teams played a pretty even game for the first two periods, and R.A. almost made the comeback with five minutes to play in the 3rd, but we're unable to score seven goals.

NEGATIVES: as usual, a 3rd period collapse left many players and fans alike scratching their heads. some questions have been raised about the conditioning of the team, as many players look gassed in the end of games. for the second straight game, a dozen was put up against R.A. (I don't know about you, but I don't think Mother Russia's Finest is capable of putting 13 up a night) also, Mark Hendricks was called for a penalty late in the first for staring at their chests.

12/11 VS BLITZKRIEG (6-7 LOSS)

POSITIVES: losing by 1 goal to a higher ranked opponent is a small victory in itself. Blitzkrieg was up by 3 in the 3rd but goals by M. Hendricks and Schram (6th and 1st respectively) brought them to striking distance.

NEGATIVES: as usual, too many goals late in a game put too much pressure on the offense to produce. The Hendricks boys and Lotocki all notched multi-point games, but in the end it was all for not.



The final two games will be updated later, I have some work to do for now. But stay tuned, the game vs the Maple Leafs will be an interesting read, this I promise.

Wednesday Morning Update

I'm a little hungry and I'm debating skipping my IT lecture to get food with some of the players. Also, the girl sitting across from me in the computer lab right now is unnecessarily hot. More on this later.

Red Army Shows Up, Grenades Blow up

The puck was supposed to drop at 6:00 pm Sunday night to kick off the regular season, but by 6:01 the Red Army was already 1-0. The Red Army earned a victory by forfeit and now sit atop the Gold Division standings. It was a bittersweet triumph, as many players were looking forward to the early season test.

"Yeah it would have been great to play the Grenades, they have always been a tough matchup, but those two points may come in handy at the end of the season and in this league you have to take what you can get. That's my view on sexual endeavors as well." Unofficial Captain Mark Hendricks said.

The team did make the most of the time, scrimmaging for an hour. For a few players it was the first time being reunited with their teammates in a long while. The teams in the scrimmage were M. Hendricks, P. Hendricks, Hand, Schram, Duhaime, and a good Samaritan goalie against Lotocki, Funk, Simek, Sorbal, and Spitzel. Lotocki's crew was aided by an Individual Team's player. Watching the scrimmage gave many fans in attendance more confidence in a magical run this year. It was evident that Sorbal's offseason training in Alberta had paid dividends. He was consistently strong on the puck and a force on the rink. Duhaime was also a welcoming sight. With him inserted back into the lineup the power play could be lethal.

Notes: Hand notched another hat trick in exhibition play. As usual he was giddy after the game. "They say 100% of the shots you don't take don't go in. They should say 100% of the shots you take are mistakes cause you should pass to me."

Bonafide sniper Mark Hendricks used a different stick last night with a more severe curve. His shot was never on point but his stick-handling was the best I've ever seen from the 20 year old winger. It will be interesting to see if he opts to to continue playing with the curve or goes back to his Jagr curve of olden days. He told me afterwards much of it depends on if he can turn his financial situation around. "Yeah... I owe a lot of people money." Mark said as he hid behind the Powerade machine trying not to be seen by his older brother. "I owe him 80 bucks. There's only so many places to hide in my house too, last night the attic was compromised when he went up there looking for Christmas ornaments and found my secret room. That was golden too... look how it worked for Anne Frank... wait did that pan out well? I never read that book. Well you get my point."


Well it's break time at the office. I'm going to grab some lunch and go moonlight at a daycare. I'll update if any big news happens.

UPDATE: Rookie Andy Schram will be a healthy scratch for Thursday night's tilt against Old School. Brad Lotocki is questionable.

The last time the Red Army faced Old School was in the playoffs two summers ago. Game one alone had over 93 penalty minutes assessed in the game. This storied rivalry will be the topic of a story before Thursday's marquee matchup.

Morning Skate

The stands were full here at Mettler (the Red Army state of the art training facility) to watch the team take part in their last practice before the game. Radio personality Eliot in the Morning broadcasted live from a studio above the rink. The line combinations being used in practice were the following:

Duhaime/M. Hendricks/Schram
Simek/P. Hendricks/Hand

The Defense remained the same from a season ago:
Funk
Lotocki

Expect Lynch to cycle in with the defense when he returns. Peter Hendricks could also see some time on defense.

Spitzel will be tending the twine tonight.

Notes: Tickets for tonight's season opener sold out in 13 seconds. This marks the fastest time tickets have ever been sold out for an event seating more than 1,000 patrons. (The previous record was held by the Melon Arena in Pittsburgh when Blue Man Group tickets sold out in 39 seconds.)

24 Hours to Faceoff

The time is now 6:04 pm on Saturday evening, which means in less than 24 hours the puck will drop to kick off the regular season for the Red Army. To adequately prepare for the game a few players took today off to rest. Second year player Steve Hand traveled with friends to Harrisonburg early this afternoon. Hand also had a late night with Hendricks and Simek on Friday night. The three watched the movie Miracle while sipping Molson.

The rookie dinner is happening later in the week. Rookie Andy Schram will pick up the bill for the 11 players at Morton's. Last year's rookie dinner's bill exceed $39,200, over half of that attributed to Hand's taste for mixed drinks.

"What? A man can't enjoy one or two or seventeen strawberry daiquiris? And so what if I want to wash my steak down with a Mike's Hard Lemonade?" A perturbed Hand told reporters.

More to come after Sunday's game.