The sky was a crimson tint as the six brave soldiers of Red Army filed through the sportsplex doors. They marched through the lobby, appearing unfazed by the hoards of people (Maple Leaf fans) jeering them with insults. The six of them: Steve Hand, Mark Hendricks, Brad Lotocki, Andy Schram, Jamie Simek, and goalie Alex Spitzel dressed for battle with much of their attire still soaked with sweat from the last game (and poor equipment management... Hendricks' pads were especially smelly that night.) Then came warmups! (In case you didn't realize, I'm trying to do a 300 esque thing here, so when you see the end of a paragraph end with an exclamation point, imagine a compilation showing a series of montage events with strange clips in slow motion. I'll help you out with the first one, we'll start from the top: Then came warmups! The six boys shooting around the rink, Hand lines up for a slapshot in slow motion, his shot flies through the air pinging off the post in real time... pans to the other end of the rink where the Maple Leafs are drinking the blood of virgins. Also their goalie breathes fire... in slow motion. Get what I'm doing? Actually I'll do it the whole story so we're all on the same mythologized page.)
The opening faceoff featured Hendricks against their top star, a 9 foot tall half man half lobster creature that possessed the talons of an eagle and the ability to read at a 3rd grade level. As expected, it wasn't a clean draw. Before the puck hit the rink's surface, Half man half lobster (or Slagathor as his Jersey indicated) drew a dagger from beneath his exoskeleton and thrust it into Hendricks' side. Hendricks, though dazed (and probably confused) managed to soccer style the puck back to Lotocki. Lotocki was immediately pressured by the Maple Leaf's winger, a grizzly bear who traveled with his army of dwarves. The bear-led army charged and stripped the puck, leading an odd man rush of 83 on 2. Simek and Hand were able to strike down a few of the dwarves (sidenote: as we all know, dwarves are asexual and produce through spores... it was counted at one point during the 3rd period the Maple Leafs had 395 players on the rink, 390 of them being the little bastards) but it was to no avail, before 8 seconds into the game the score was 1-0.
The next 2 minutes weren't any kinder. Before the five minute mark, the score was 4-0. The rink echoed with shrill battle cries of the Maple Leafs and virgins being slaughtered. At 6:18 of the first, Slagathor made a mistake... he pissed off Mother Russia. Crashing the net he bowled over Spitzel, leaving a gaping net for a dwarf, who tapped the puck in with his axe. But the damage was done, the Maple Leafs had awoken a sleeping giant. It was time for a line change! (Again, montage time... I'm thinking it shows Simek hop over the boards onto the rink in slo-mo, followed by Spitzel splashing water over his face. When Hand leans in for the faceoff, his eyes are bright red like a werewolf too and there is dwarf blood dripping from his chin. Hendricks is to the left, lined up next to Slagathor. The puck drops, and we are back at real time.)
Hand pushed the puck through their centerman's legs, catching up to it on the other side. It was the first time the puck had been in their half of center. With 9 dwarves on his back, Hand centered a pass to Hendricks who was cross checked as he shot wide. The puck bounced off the boards to Hand who dangled around 24 of their players and looked to shoot. Slagathor raised his claw to behead the streaky sophomore, but before the beast could deliver its fatal blow, Hand found Hendricks in the slot. Hendricks ripped a shot that tore a whole in our atmosphere, but it was a price humanity was willing to pay...the score was 5-1.
Moments later a similar rush occurred, again Hand and Hendricks, or Handricks as the fans affectionately call them, advanced the puck. Hand flipped the puck to Hendricks, who one-timed a pass to Lotocki. Lotocki made no mistake about it, and deposited the puck in the twine making the score 5-2. Something strange was brewing in Dulles.
Still 5-2 late in the 1st, the Maple Leafs were attacking. Spitzel, with one bad knee from Slagathor's tackle, stood on his head blocking shot after shot. With 30 seconds to play, the puck bounced to the left of the cage. Lotocki raced to it and made a crisp outlet pass to a streaking Hendricks. Hendricks caught the pass and put on his burners, skating around two defensemen, before sniping. The puck soared through the air, gently nicking the crossbar and right post before settling in the back of the net. Almost instantaniously the horn sounded. It was 5-3 at the first intermission, and the Maple Leafs were pissing their proverbial pants.
Between periods, Walt Disney's body was unfrozen and brought to Dulles. With such an epic underdog story brewing it was imperative that his corpse be witness to such a spectacle. He was escorted out of the rink 3 minutes into the period when the rink's smell of greasy food and sweat was replaced by rotting flesh and maggots. By the time Walt had left the score again had changed... 7-3 Maple Leafs. But like the cow in Me Myself and Irene... the Red Army would not go quietly into the night. No matter how many rounds Jim Carey unloaded into the skulls of the players... they would continue to moo. With Hendricks parked in the slot battling with a goon, Lotocki grinded along the boards before feeding the scalding hot winger. Hendricks made no mistake about it, one-timing the puck five-hole. 7-4! With the players skating on fumes and a wounded goalie, it was a miracle the period ended with the deficit just 5, at 9-4.
Sometimes messages need to be sent. This was one of those times. The Red Army played the remainder of the game without a goalie, Spitz's knee was missing, and all 5 skaters remained on the rink for the duration. The Maple Leafs viewed this as an opportunity to pad their stats, wrecklessly firing on the empty net even with Red Army defenders in front. With the game well out of reach, Hendricks looked to at least dent the twine one more time. He stole the puck, raced up the wing and looked to fire. Before he could unload his shot, a dick on the Maple Leafs unleashed a two handed, baseball swing slash to his right wrist. Hendricks dropped to his knees clenching his wrist. As a 2 minute penalty was handed out for slashing the Maple Leafs continued talking trash (sidenote: they were bad at talking trash). Schram decided he wasn't good with words, he'd rather use his body to do the talking. With a few minutes left to play, as another Maple Leaf and Lotocki were roughing around Schram earned his stripes. Dropping his stick and gloves, Schram came in and tossed the Maple Leaf around like a cheap hooker. The fight was short, but it proved the Red Army was no pushover. Schram's actions, even with him watching on from the box, proved to be a deterrent for the Leafs trying any more rough stuff. I was able to hear an exchange that occurred just before a faceoff toward the end of the game.
Maple Leaf: Don't think I won't slash you again.
Hendricks: Slash? Ha! Pussy just hit me, don't use your stick you queer.
Maple Leaf: You... you aren't good.
Hendricks: (While fucking his mother) Karen (his mother) says hey
Maple Leaf: (crying) I think I'm gay
SO there you have it. A slightly edited version of the game. Some goals, an almost comeback, a fight, and a rivalry... that's good journalism.
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