Mike Barone drives his short bus to Dulles tomorrow night in what is being dubbed the most highly anticipated matchup this season. The Red Army faces the silver east's number one team in what, again, on paper, has the makings for a blowout. But as aforementioned, these games don't take place on notepads. Rather, this could provide for another stellar game on that dark blue surface.
The only game these teams played this year featured a 9-6 win for Barone and company. The game was close in the second period until the Russians surrendered five unanswered goals. They were able to make the score respectable in the waning moments, but by that time the loss was imminent. How does Mother Russia remedy their previous downfall to the dimwits? Don't let the Short Bus Boys go on a run. Kraus, who can be temperamental at times, needs to keep his cool. Kraus under duress is less effective than Macgruber in the dam control room. On top of that, the defense needs to continue its game plan of sound positioning and crisp passes exiting the zone.
Now, the Short Bus Boys are a completely different team than the Stench in two ways. One, they are more potent offensively. They spread out their offense and have more than a handful of guys capable of denting the twine. While it was easier to find the shooter against the Stench, expect more shots from more shooters tomorrow. The flip side of that is this: their defense puts no where near the amount of pressure on opposing skaters as the Stench did. With Hendricks and Odell having more time with the puck, severe damage can be done as long as they refrain from getting to cute.
Where does that leave us? Well, your guess is as good as mine. If the Red Army plays like the team they have all season, they'll have to be content with just the one playoff victory. But if they play the dedicated passionate brand they introduced to us on Tuesday... they better not be too hungover following this Halloween weekend, there may still be some trick and treating to be done.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Cryptic Stench Febreezed
The teams had met earlier in the season. Cryptic Stench had won. The teams had met in the playoffs last season. Cryptic Stench had won. The teams had met in the playoffs the year before that. Cryptic Stench had won. Before the puck was even dropped, many assumed the players would skate like actors, fulfilling their seasonal roles in a play that would send the soviets packing and the Stench further into the playoffs. Well, that script never made it to Russia.
After allowing an early goal, Mother Russia played a nearly flawless game. Hendricks tied the game on a strange play during a delayed high-sticking infraction. The goal was a thing of beauty, as he snapped one past the goalie near side. It was a rarity that the Red Army be on the positive side of a late period goal. The momentum that carried over into the second was palpable. Socialism was awarded a four on two advantage (thanks to two drawn penalties by the "second" line) and cashed in. Odell fired a pass to Hendricks, who then fed Lotocki who was streaking backdoor. The lead was short lived however, as moments later the game would be tied after Hendricks and Odell were caught on a long shift.
What ensued was the flukiest goal of the game, and the eventual game winner. Funk, skating along side Captain Hand, took a shot inside the blue line. The puck ramped up the goaltender's stick and over his shoulders before sliding across the line. The Red Army would not look back. Hendricks tacked on another goal to end the period, capping a great forechecking effort from Odell, Lotocki, and Schram. The Red Army was only fifteen minutes away from an inconceivable round two.
"We knew we were close. One more good period was the mantra on the bench." Odell said after the game. "If there is one thing I learned during my hiking excursion this summer it was to never take your foot off a snake. Don't give it an inch to attack. Sure, that was the longest four days of my life, standing there in Montana, waiting for this rattler to die of starvation. But damn it if I didn't feel great when it passed." Mother Russia heeded outdoorsman Odell's advice, and kept on the offensive, partly due to the Stench's inability to remain out of the box. On another power play (3-4 for the night) Lotocki cranked a one timer from the point that eluded the goalie thanks to an Odell screen. In a 5-2 game, with roughly half of the third period to play, everyone was waiting for the Stench's push. It was deterred thanks to an unwavering second line. Funk, Hand, Horton, and Lynch were relentless in their puck pursuit. The line was a plus 2 for the night, and faced the oppositions top unit. "We had a meeting on the bench about maybe breaking up our line to even out some talent, but the way (Steve and Jerrod) were playing it would have been a crime." Hendricks told reporters after the game. "The gameplan was simple, have their line not surrender any goals and let us take care of the scoring. What a bonus when you get them to net two on their own. I think we had two first lines tonight." Hendricks and Lotocki added the nails in the coffin, each capping off their hat trick performances with late goals, and Mother Russia skated onwards leaving the Stench to exit stage left.
After allowing an early goal, Mother Russia played a nearly flawless game. Hendricks tied the game on a strange play during a delayed high-sticking infraction. The goal was a thing of beauty, as he snapped one past the goalie near side. It was a rarity that the Red Army be on the positive side of a late period goal. The momentum that carried over into the second was palpable. Socialism was awarded a four on two advantage (thanks to two drawn penalties by the "second" line) and cashed in. Odell fired a pass to Hendricks, who then fed Lotocki who was streaking backdoor. The lead was short lived however, as moments later the game would be tied after Hendricks and Odell were caught on a long shift.
What ensued was the flukiest goal of the game, and the eventual game winner. Funk, skating along side Captain Hand, took a shot inside the blue line. The puck ramped up the goaltender's stick and over his shoulders before sliding across the line. The Red Army would not look back. Hendricks tacked on another goal to end the period, capping a great forechecking effort from Odell, Lotocki, and Schram. The Red Army was only fifteen minutes away from an inconceivable round two.
"We knew we were close. One more good period was the mantra on the bench." Odell said after the game. "If there is one thing I learned during my hiking excursion this summer it was to never take your foot off a snake. Don't give it an inch to attack. Sure, that was the longest four days of my life, standing there in Montana, waiting for this rattler to die of starvation. But damn it if I didn't feel great when it passed." Mother Russia heeded outdoorsman Odell's advice, and kept on the offensive, partly due to the Stench's inability to remain out of the box. On another power play (3-4 for the night) Lotocki cranked a one timer from the point that eluded the goalie thanks to an Odell screen. In a 5-2 game, with roughly half of the third period to play, everyone was waiting for the Stench's push. It was deterred thanks to an unwavering second line. Funk, Hand, Horton, and Lynch were relentless in their puck pursuit. The line was a plus 2 for the night, and faced the oppositions top unit. "We had a meeting on the bench about maybe breaking up our line to even out some talent, but the way (Steve and Jerrod) were playing it would have been a crime." Hendricks told reporters after the game. "The gameplan was simple, have their line not surrender any goals and let us take care of the scoring. What a bonus when you get them to net two on their own. I think we had two first lines tonight." Hendricks and Lotocki added the nails in the coffin, each capping off their hat trick performances with late goals, and Mother Russia skated onwards leaving the Stench to exit stage left.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Regular Season Ends, Wishful Thinking Begins
Let's be frank. Past Red Army teams have had stronger rosters, more offensive prowess, and overall better player attendance. Past Red Army teams have had multiple twenty goal scorers, power play efficiency well over 50%, and a stifling defense. Past Red Army teams have all failed. Entering the post season this year is a squad that bears little resemblance to a team primed to make a run. A team devoid of chemistry, endurance, and at times, discipline. But don't write them off.
Mother Russia finished with a modest 4-10 record. Those ten losses are deceiving though. Consider the following...
Loss # 1: Mad Dads 3-2 (overtime)
-A late season rematch featured a 10-0 white wash in favor of the soviets.
Loss # 2: Bear Calvary 9-6
- A three goal game is a close game at Dulles. A few bounces and breaks and that game could have had a different outcome. The season finale was a rematch of these teams and ended in a one goal loss for the Red Army (without Hendricks, and with Andy in net.)
Loss # 3: Cryptic Stench 6-2
- The best goalie in the league filled in for the Stench and shut the door. On top of that, anytime a crowd gathers to watch the Red Army, Hendricks sucks (especially if a certain female watches, intoxicated of not.) More on this in a moment.
Loss #4: Hosers 12-0
- Hosers will not be participating in the silver division playoffs.
Loss # 5: Mapleleafs 12-5
-Mapleleafs will not be participating in the silver division playoffs.
Loss # 6: Renegades 6-4
- A 6-4 loss without Hendricks translates a 10-8 win with Hendricks in my book.
Loss #7: Short Bus Boys 9-6
-The most intriguing loss of the season. Short Bus is a formidable opponent, yet the Army stuck with them for two periods before surrendering a slew of late goals. Keep in mind though, with Jenkins as their goal keeper, they are vulnerable to a 10 goal Hendricks performance.
Loss #8: Multiple Scoregasms 5-4 (overtime)
- A back and forth game that featured great goals and saves. Hendricks missed three golden opportunities in overtime to seal the deal. Don't expect that to happen again.
Loss #9: Stop Staring at My Chest 5-1
- SSAMC is the best silver team. A four goal differential (with the number 1 goalie in the league in game 2 of a double header) is something to be proud of. The only time these teams would meet would be in the championship.
Loss #10: Bear Cavalry 6-5
-A close game with Andy in goal and without Hendricks. Different story next time.
So the point of this all? Save for two games against gold opponents, the games were all close. If the Red Army can have at least 7 people show up for games they have a chance. Granted, and this isn't too put any pressure on the big guns, but Hendricks and Duhaime each have to produce. Secondary scorers like Hand and recently, Tony, will have to chip in as well. The defense has to come together with help from the forwards on backchecking and Kraus has to continue his superb play. A lot of question marks, but we're being frank here, remember?
The first test comes Tuesday vs the Cryptic Stench. Is it me or do these two teams always meet in the post season? On paper the Stench seem to be heavily favored... but when the odds are against Mother Russia, bet on her for magic.
Mother Russia finished with a modest 4-10 record. Those ten losses are deceiving though. Consider the following...
Loss # 1: Mad Dads 3-2 (overtime)
-A late season rematch featured a 10-0 white wash in favor of the soviets.
Loss # 2: Bear Calvary 9-6
- A three goal game is a close game at Dulles. A few bounces and breaks and that game could have had a different outcome. The season finale was a rematch of these teams and ended in a one goal loss for the Red Army (without Hendricks, and with Andy in net.)
Loss # 3: Cryptic Stench 6-2
- The best goalie in the league filled in for the Stench and shut the door. On top of that, anytime a crowd gathers to watch the Red Army, Hendricks sucks (especially if a certain female watches, intoxicated of not.) More on this in a moment.
Loss #4: Hosers 12-0
- Hosers will not be participating in the silver division playoffs.
Loss # 5: Mapleleafs 12-5
-Mapleleafs will not be participating in the silver division playoffs.
Loss # 6: Renegades 6-4
- A 6-4 loss without Hendricks translates a 10-8 win with Hendricks in my book.
Loss #7: Short Bus Boys 9-6
-The most intriguing loss of the season. Short Bus is a formidable opponent, yet the Army stuck with them for two periods before surrendering a slew of late goals. Keep in mind though, with Jenkins as their goal keeper, they are vulnerable to a 10 goal Hendricks performance.
Loss #8: Multiple Scoregasms 5-4 (overtime)
- A back and forth game that featured great goals and saves. Hendricks missed three golden opportunities in overtime to seal the deal. Don't expect that to happen again.
Loss #9: Stop Staring at My Chest 5-1
- SSAMC is the best silver team. A four goal differential (with the number 1 goalie in the league in game 2 of a double header) is something to be proud of. The only time these teams would meet would be in the championship.
Loss #10: Bear Cavalry 6-5
-A close game with Andy in goal and without Hendricks. Different story next time.
So the point of this all? Save for two games against gold opponents, the games were all close. If the Red Army can have at least 7 people show up for games they have a chance. Granted, and this isn't too put any pressure on the big guns, but Hendricks and Duhaime each have to produce. Secondary scorers like Hand and recently, Tony, will have to chip in as well. The defense has to come together with help from the forwards on backchecking and Kraus has to continue his superb play. A lot of question marks, but we're being frank here, remember?
The first test comes Tuesday vs the Cryptic Stench. Is it me or do these two teams always meet in the post season? On paper the Stench seem to be heavily favored... but when the odds are against Mother Russia, bet on her for magic.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Oh Captain, My Captain
It is a rarity in this league that a young player be awarded captaincy. Seldom is it seen that a player in just his third year be given the esteemed position. Well, Steve Hand is an out-liar in the box-and-whisker-plot that is hockey.
Hand busted on the scene in the summer of '07, notching ten in his rookie season. "We all had expectations. Maybe a goal or two and a handful of assists... to me of course." Veteran and ex-captain Mark Hendricks said. "But when he scored in his third game and then scored a pair in the next game that's when I think people realized he was legit."
"I still remember my first goal. I was in front of the net and the puck came to me. I shot it and it snuck inside the post. I was so excited I didn't know what to do so I did the banana peel celebration and started a dog pile." Hand told reporters. When asked about his favorite memory of his rookie season the answer was surprising to some. "Drinking after the games."
Many are wondering whether or not Hand can continue his fervent pace and tie or possibly break his goal record of 10. After last Sunday’s victory he has 4 goals in 3 games and is actually the 25th leading scorer in the league. “I just got my daughter a “Hand” jersey for her birthday. We’re hoping he can gain the 10 goal plateau and we think he can do it!” Longtime fan Daniel Shilard said. “There’s just something about him that makes you confident when he has the puck. Plus those hockey pants are ballin’.”
But goal production and style aren’t the only thing that made Steve an excellent candidate for captain, in fact many teammates say his greatest asset is his ability to make epic speeches. “Wow, the word epic does not do Steve’s intermission pep talks justice.” Defenseman Tony Horton said. “He once told us that if we were going to start the comeback we were going to have to walk through the desert in the shadow of death… wait… now that I think about it I think Coolio said something similar. Brad Lotocki’s favorite Steve Hand pep talk, “Oh, easily the one where he told us the story of the lion and the mouse. Ya know the story? The lion gets caught in a rope trap and the mouse helps him by eating through the rope so the lion escapes. Then the lion kills and devours the mouse for food. I forget the moral of the story, something about don’t ever take your opposition lightly… or it was just how we needed to run up the score against the Mad Dad’s to get our confidence up… one or the other.”
Hand leads his team into battle Thursday night against the Stench. He’ll be looking to continue his 3 game goal scoring streak. Who knows what will be said on the bench, let’s just hope it’s better than Schram’s infamous “If at first you don’t succeed, slash” quip from last season.
Hand busted on the scene in the summer of '07, notching ten in his rookie season. "We all had expectations. Maybe a goal or two and a handful of assists... to me of course." Veteran and ex-captain Mark Hendricks said. "But when he scored in his third game and then scored a pair in the next game that's when I think people realized he was legit."
"I still remember my first goal. I was in front of the net and the puck came to me. I shot it and it snuck inside the post. I was so excited I didn't know what to do so I did the banana peel celebration and started a dog pile." Hand told reporters. When asked about his favorite memory of his rookie season the answer was surprising to some. "Drinking after the games."
Many are wondering whether or not Hand can continue his fervent pace and tie or possibly break his goal record of 10. After last Sunday’s victory he has 4 goals in 3 games and is actually the 25th leading scorer in the league. “I just got my daughter a “Hand” jersey for her birthday. We’re hoping he can gain the 10 goal plateau and we think he can do it!” Longtime fan Daniel Shilard said. “There’s just something about him that makes you confident when he has the puck. Plus those hockey pants are ballin’.”
But goal production and style aren’t the only thing that made Steve an excellent candidate for captain, in fact many teammates say his greatest asset is his ability to make epic speeches. “Wow, the word epic does not do Steve’s intermission pep talks justice.” Defenseman Tony Horton said. “He once told us that if we were going to start the comeback we were going to have to walk through the desert in the shadow of death… wait… now that I think about it I think Coolio said something similar. Brad Lotocki’s favorite Steve Hand pep talk, “Oh, easily the one where he told us the story of the lion and the mouse. Ya know the story? The lion gets caught in a rope trap and the mouse helps him by eating through the rope so the lion escapes. Then the lion kills and devours the mouse for food. I forget the moral of the story, something about don’t ever take your opposition lightly… or it was just how we needed to run up the score against the Mad Dad’s to get our confidence up… one or the other.”
Hand leads his team into battle Thursday night against the Stench. He’ll be looking to continue his 3 game goal scoring streak. Who knows what will be said on the bench, let’s just hope it’s better than Schram’s infamous “If at first you don’t succeed, slash” quip from last season.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Offense Clicks Against Team of Dicks
Tonight's game featured everything... Pretty goals, one-timers, stellar saves, crisp passing, hard hitting (wtf?!?), a penalty shot, long shifts, two empty net goals, and a gallon of water. When the final horn sounded, Mother Russia had earned her first victory of the season in a hard fought battle, one that certainly didn't come easily. Down 3-0 early in the first period, franchise player extraordinaire Mark Hendricks took the puck off a faceoff and split the defensemen before depositing the puck behind the fallen goaltender. The score would remain 3-1 after one. "Oh that last goal in the 1st was huge." An excited Hendricks told reporters after the game. "You always try to bring something positive into the next period. A goal, a good penalty kill, anything that you can feed off of. And I think the team really fed off of my goal. You could say I fed the team really. I helped aid world starvation tonight with that play. And what was the world hungry for? Mark fucking Hendricks. In a totally non-cannibalistic way... I don't' know if this analogy is clear or not. Point being, I fed the world, I'm a hero, where the fuck is that hot reporter from NBC? What! They don't cover us anymore? Well whose that fox from Fox? Married? God damnit people I'm the star I'm supposed to fuck someone after the game." Hendricks, in his rage, then through a trash can onto the indoor soccer field, which actually did not disrupt play, as there was already a slew of fireworks exploding celebrating a Honduras score.
Still trailing by two goals in the second period, the Red Army kept up the pressure and lit the lamp again. Hendricks entered the zone 1 on 2 and took it to the right of the goal. After being hooked and spun around, Hendricks back handed a pass to the captain who had joined the rush. With a quick flick of the wrist, the deficit was one. Jerrod would tie the game at 3 on the power play. Hendricks found Jerrod backdoor, and the Funkmaster flex fired a one timer that eluded the goalie. Minutes after that tally, Jerrod found the back of the net again. It was the Army's first lead of the game. The lead would be short-lived however, as the Shockers were awarded a penalty shot when defenseman Tony Horton played the puck with his hand in the crease. The shooter beat Kraus and knotted the game at four. The see-saw game would continue, as Hendricks grabbed the lead back with a five-hole snipe. But the soviets would be trailing entering the third, as they allowed two late period goals... something that has plagued them for decades.
"Not much was said on the bench going into the 3rd." A very sweaty Hand said afterwards. "Hendricks was rambling about some world hunger crisis or something... We knew what was at stake. We didn't want to start 0-3. We just had to remain focused and we'd get our chances. The offense was scoring, we just needed to play better defense and hope our goaltending could prove to be strong."
Strong goaltending? Kraus stood on his head, literally, staving off shot after shot early on, keeping the score at only 6-5. And the defense? Andy Schram gets the "straight up baller" play of the night. Andy collided with a Shocker along the side boards, and was thrown to the ground. While on his side, Andy managed to shuffle a pass to Jerrod, who fed Mark in the slot, who then fed the world as he tied the game 6-6. "It was a huge play." An elated Andy told us after the game. "I mean, usually I don't get interviewed so I don't know what to say. Man... wait is this going to be on the news? Can I say hi to people? Hey Grammy! Um, oh oh oh and hey to the entire Michigan football team." The Shockers would retake the lead, only to have it relinquished once again. Hendricks found Jerrod on a breakaway pass, and one triple deke later, 7-7. With just over four minutes to play, Hendricks was nailed by a cheap shot by one of the heartless sons of bitches on their team. The cock mongrel hit Hendricks, who had his back turned, and drove him into the boards. The socialists decided to seek revenge not physically, but score sheetily. And awwww sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet they did. Hand netted his second of the game, which would prove to the be the eventual game winner. Jerrod and Hendricks both tacked on empty net goals to complete their four goal performances.
So what's next for Mother Russia? On Thursday the Red Army can aim for .500 as they take on the Cryptic Stench. Sometime this week I'll be posting a feature article on the captain Steve Hand and some of the expectations he has for this season. Until then... rock and fucking roll comrades.
Still trailing by two goals in the second period, the Red Army kept up the pressure and lit the lamp again. Hendricks entered the zone 1 on 2 and took it to the right of the goal. After being hooked and spun around, Hendricks back handed a pass to the captain who had joined the rush. With a quick flick of the wrist, the deficit was one. Jerrod would tie the game at 3 on the power play. Hendricks found Jerrod backdoor, and the Funkmaster flex fired a one timer that eluded the goalie. Minutes after that tally, Jerrod found the back of the net again. It was the Army's first lead of the game. The lead would be short-lived however, as the Shockers were awarded a penalty shot when defenseman Tony Horton played the puck with his hand in the crease. The shooter beat Kraus and knotted the game at four. The see-saw game would continue, as Hendricks grabbed the lead back with a five-hole snipe. But the soviets would be trailing entering the third, as they allowed two late period goals... something that has plagued them for decades.
"Not much was said on the bench going into the 3rd." A very sweaty Hand said afterwards. "Hendricks was rambling about some world hunger crisis or something... We knew what was at stake. We didn't want to start 0-3. We just had to remain focused and we'd get our chances. The offense was scoring, we just needed to play better defense and hope our goaltending could prove to be strong."
Strong goaltending? Kraus stood on his head, literally, staving off shot after shot early on, keeping the score at only 6-5. And the defense? Andy Schram gets the "straight up baller" play of the night. Andy collided with a Shocker along the side boards, and was thrown to the ground. While on his side, Andy managed to shuffle a pass to Jerrod, who fed Mark in the slot, who then fed the world as he tied the game 6-6. "It was a huge play." An elated Andy told us after the game. "I mean, usually I don't get interviewed so I don't know what to say. Man... wait is this going to be on the news? Can I say hi to people? Hey Grammy! Um, oh oh oh and hey to the entire Michigan football team." The Shockers would retake the lead, only to have it relinquished once again. Hendricks found Jerrod on a breakaway pass, and one triple deke later, 7-7. With just over four minutes to play, Hendricks was nailed by a cheap shot by one of the heartless sons of bitches on their team. The cock mongrel hit Hendricks, who had his back turned, and drove him into the boards. The socialists decided to seek revenge not physically, but score sheetily. And awwww sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet they did. Hand netted his second of the game, which would prove to the be the eventual game winner. Jerrod and Hendricks both tacked on empty net goals to complete their four goal performances.
So what's next for Mother Russia? On Thursday the Red Army can aim for .500 as they take on the Cryptic Stench. Sometime this week I'll be posting a feature article on the captain Steve Hand and some of the expectations he has for this season. Until then... rock and fucking roll comrades.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Great Season Ends After Comeback Starts Too Late
Time for bed, but this is mostly for Ryan so that he can see that I actually DID update something.
Don't worry, you can expect an epic post. We're talking full season recap, memories, quotes, stats, and even some behind the scenes player stories (made up by me of course)
Keep your heads up, comrades.
Don't worry, you can expect an epic post. We're talking full season recap, memories, quotes, stats, and even some behind the scenes player stories (made up by me of course)
Keep your heads up, comrades.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Red Army is Second Round Bound Following Four Star Performance
Tonight's first round matchup between the beloved Red Army and the Individual Team featured explosions of offense, questionable defense, and a lot of gliding. It is what you would expect from a game that included two teams playing with the bare minimum roster number to avoid a forfeit: four skaters and a goaltender. What it came down to... our four > their four. The Red Army advanced to the second round tonight thanks to a 14-8 victory.
The gameplan was simple: Mark and Peter up front with Ryan and Hoefer guarding the rear. What it equated to was great success. The four utilized the entire rink and owned the puck for the majority of the game. Hoefer tallied twice, including a true top shelfer, Peter netted the most with six, and Ryan continued his offensive surge as he and Mark both scored hat tricks. "The key to tonight was definitely the passing." Mark said afterwards. "We were setting eachother up and finding those seams. Hold on (vomiting) Sorry about that... I think its all done... yeah it is... anyways... (more projectile vomiting) God damnit! Wow... sorry. Just skated 45 minutes you understand if I'm- (more vomiting) Holy shit... can somebody get me some fucking water?!? I mean I know you are looking for an interview but come on people, I'm dying here! Whew, alright... I think we're good. Yeah we did a great job tonight as one unit and I am really looking forward to the second round."
The second round game will be Tuesday night at 10:00 pm vs the Inline Shockers. The roster, while still depleted, should be slightly larger. While Hoefer will be gone, Brad and Lynch will rejoin the troops in battle. It should give the Red Army a solid core group.
REDDER ARMY NOTES:
The Redder Army's season came to an end tonight at the hands of the Cryptic Stench. Everyone knew the Stench would be a formidable opponent, but many here at the newsroom were surprised to see the slightly more soviets fold this early. While they certainly had an explosive offense, often times their guns just didn't show up. Andy, sensing defeat, dropped the gloves for the first time this season late in the game. "When I knew we weren't going to come back I decided it was time to kick some ass." Andy then bit into a raw piece of meat and let the blood drip down his chin. Also, the letters on his jersey changed from "CCCP" to "BAMF".
As entertaining as Andy's mittens dropping was, the fight of the night belongs to the Mad Dads' bench, where two players exchanged words and blows during game play. What started as a player ripping a teammate for a poor pass, quickly evolved into a UFC fight on the tiled floors of the bench. Those were some furious fathers.
Well, I'm off, I'll update sometime before Tuesday's match with lines and my pre-game analysis. Now, a moment of silence for our fallen comrades...
The gameplan was simple: Mark and Peter up front with Ryan and Hoefer guarding the rear. What it equated to was great success. The four utilized the entire rink and owned the puck for the majority of the game. Hoefer tallied twice, including a true top shelfer, Peter netted the most with six, and Ryan continued his offensive surge as he and Mark both scored hat tricks. "The key to tonight was definitely the passing." Mark said afterwards. "We were setting eachother up and finding those seams. Hold on (vomiting) Sorry about that... I think its all done... yeah it is... anyways... (more projectile vomiting) God damnit! Wow... sorry. Just skated 45 minutes you understand if I'm- (more vomiting) Holy shit... can somebody get me some fucking water?!? I mean I know you are looking for an interview but come on people, I'm dying here! Whew, alright... I think we're good. Yeah we did a great job tonight as one unit and I am really looking forward to the second round."
The second round game will be Tuesday night at 10:00 pm vs the Inline Shockers. The roster, while still depleted, should be slightly larger. While Hoefer will be gone, Brad and Lynch will rejoin the troops in battle. It should give the Red Army a solid core group.
REDDER ARMY NOTES:
The Redder Army's season came to an end tonight at the hands of the Cryptic Stench. Everyone knew the Stench would be a formidable opponent, but many here at the newsroom were surprised to see the slightly more soviets fold this early. While they certainly had an explosive offense, often times their guns just didn't show up. Andy, sensing defeat, dropped the gloves for the first time this season late in the game. "When I knew we weren't going to come back I decided it was time to kick some ass." Andy then bit into a raw piece of meat and let the blood drip down his chin. Also, the letters on his jersey changed from "CCCP" to "BAMF".
As entertaining as Andy's mittens dropping was, the fight of the night belongs to the Mad Dads' bench, where two players exchanged words and blows during game play. What started as a player ripping a teammate for a poor pass, quickly evolved into a UFC fight on the tiled floors of the bench. Those were some furious fathers.
Well, I'm off, I'll update sometime before Tuesday's match with lines and my pre-game analysis. Now, a moment of silence for our fallen comrades...
This One's For Beege
As many of you are well aware, Brian "Beege" Hendricks required season-ending surgery on Friday to reconstruct his right knee cap which had been broken in two places during Tuesday's tie with the Inline Shockers. Already losing one of his star runners in Beege, cross-country coach Phil Tiller pulled Neal from future Red Army games this season. The loss of half of Mother Russia's offense couldn't come at a worse time. Defensemen Jamie, Brad, and Lynch are also absent for tonight's matchup against Individual Team. A week ago many fans were anticipating a deep run into the post-season. Today, fans will be happy to avoid an embarrassing first round exit.
The group of players with the daunting task of keeping the soviet ship afloat, well, there are only four of them: Mark, Peter, Ryan, and Hoefer. A very talented group, but can they skate for the 45 minutes? Let's break it down. Up front the Red Army has its two best offensive threats with Mark and Peter. They can wheel and deal. Undoubtedly, you can look for Peter to be dishing it to Mark all game. Guarding the back is Ryan, the natural leader who has started to find his scoring groove, and Hoefer, who, though a slower skater always seems in position and continues to find the back of the net. Is a victory possible? I see the Red Army victorious in one of two ways. First, stellar goaltending and stingy defense. Keep the game close and score at the end. The other, score early and often and then defend. Either way, it is going to be incredibly difficult. Mark has already said he is dedicating today's game to the fallen Beege. "It is my job to keep this season alive. I know I am going to have to score some Beegetastic goals, play some Beegenasty defense, and probably stay out of the god Beege penalty box. Either way, today we are all Beeges."
While I have no idea what to make of that quote, I do know my stomach is churning thinking about today's game. Also, I just downed four bean burritos.
The group of players with the daunting task of keeping the soviet ship afloat, well, there are only four of them: Mark, Peter, Ryan, and Hoefer. A very talented group, but can they skate for the 45 minutes? Let's break it down. Up front the Red Army has its two best offensive threats with Mark and Peter. They can wheel and deal. Undoubtedly, you can look for Peter to be dishing it to Mark all game. Guarding the back is Ryan, the natural leader who has started to find his scoring groove, and Hoefer, who, though a slower skater always seems in position and continues to find the back of the net. Is a victory possible? I see the Red Army victorious in one of two ways. First, stellar goaltending and stingy defense. Keep the game close and score at the end. The other, score early and often and then defend. Either way, it is going to be incredibly difficult. Mark has already said he is dedicating today's game to the fallen Beege. "It is my job to keep this season alive. I know I am going to have to score some Beegetastic goals, play some Beegenasty defense, and probably stay out of the god Beege penalty box. Either way, today we are all Beeges."
While I have no idea what to make of that quote, I do know my stomach is churning thinking about today's game. Also, I just downed four bean burritos.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Crowded at the Top
The two top teams met in a clash of the titans on Sunday. Blackout, the number one seed going into the game, had asserted itself from the season's start and boasted a 7-2-1 record. The Red Army, at 6-3-1, was riding a season high six game winning streak. A Blackout victory would have all but clinched the division, whereas a win for Mother Russia would have meant a tie atop the standings.
Red Army scored first on an absolute buzz-bomb from Mark. He one-timed a slapper five-hole on a feed from Brad. The feeling on the bench was pure jubilation, but it lasted only minutes as pretty soon Mr. 18 found himself in the penalty box after an undisciplined tripping penalty. Blackout's powerplay struck, and the game was tied. Minutes later, after two more tallies, there was worry. Trailing by two with just over a minute to play in the first, Neal continued his tear and potted one on a nifty backhander. After one, it was 3-2 Blackout.
The second period featured fantastic goaltending. Blackout's goaltender steered shot after shot away as the soviets threw everything at the net. After being stifled for half of the period, the lines were jumbled. Peter and Beege switched places. The results were seen immediately. On their first shift together, Peter found Brad, who found Mark in the slot, who found the back of the net. On the very next shift, Ryan gave Red Army the lead on a perfectly placed wrister. The period ended with the Reds up by one.
It remained a back and forth, one-goal game with both teams receiving great goaltending in the 3rd period. Beege, still skating with Neal, extended the lead to two with just over six minutes left. Beege was the recipient of a horrible defensive miscue by Blackout, and tucked one underneath the unexpecting goaltender. Moments later the dagger was supplied by Mark, who netted his third of the game on a breakaway. Blackout scored late to bring it within two, but that's as close as they would get. Despite Blackouts attempt, after the final horn sounded, the streets of Moscow were electric.
The aftermath of the game? A dead heat for first place. The crazy thing is this: because of the league's tie-breaking rules (the first being goals against) the Red Army actually controls their own destiny. That is right folks, unlikely candidates to finish in the top four are now two wins away from sealing up the division. With the winning streak at seven, this journalist sees no reason why it can't be extended to nine... and thirteen.
REDDER ARMY NOTES:
Redder Army is experiencing a winning streak of their own with four straight victories. In fact, if they win their game (in progress right now) they would leap frog Blackout and Red Army for first place, although to retain the seed they would need both Blackout and Red Army to go winless in their final two games. The slightly more socialists have been receiving secondary scoring from Steve, Jerrod, Chris, and Andy lately, but everyone knows their bread and butter is Mike and Wilson, respectively. They could be the toughest team to predict in Silver. On one hand, it could be argued that any team capable of shutting down Mike and Wilson by taking away their time and space could easily defeat them. But the problem is that such a task is no mean feat. Redder Army by far already has the most potent offense, and now their defense is improved. The only team that this journalist sees them losing to (assuming that both team's rosters are full) is... you guessed it: Red Army. But I'll save that post for when the time is right. For now, I'm off to cover the Red Army game. Also, we'll be starting a new feature at R.A.D. where we will highlight player profiles on off days. This week we will cover Steve Hand and Beege. Later kids. By the way, did you notice the witty line at the end of the game recap? Moscow's streets being ELECTRIC. See it? Red Army vs BLACKOUT. See? Do you, do you see?
Red Army scored first on an absolute buzz-bomb from Mark. He one-timed a slapper five-hole on a feed from Brad. The feeling on the bench was pure jubilation, but it lasted only minutes as pretty soon Mr. 18 found himself in the penalty box after an undisciplined tripping penalty. Blackout's powerplay struck, and the game was tied. Minutes later, after two more tallies, there was worry. Trailing by two with just over a minute to play in the first, Neal continued his tear and potted one on a nifty backhander. After one, it was 3-2 Blackout.
The second period featured fantastic goaltending. Blackout's goaltender steered shot after shot away as the soviets threw everything at the net. After being stifled for half of the period, the lines were jumbled. Peter and Beege switched places. The results were seen immediately. On their first shift together, Peter found Brad, who found Mark in the slot, who found the back of the net. On the very next shift, Ryan gave Red Army the lead on a perfectly placed wrister. The period ended with the Reds up by one.
It remained a back and forth, one-goal game with both teams receiving great goaltending in the 3rd period. Beege, still skating with Neal, extended the lead to two with just over six minutes left. Beege was the recipient of a horrible defensive miscue by Blackout, and tucked one underneath the unexpecting goaltender. Moments later the dagger was supplied by Mark, who netted his third of the game on a breakaway. Blackout scored late to bring it within two, but that's as close as they would get. Despite Blackouts attempt, after the final horn sounded, the streets of Moscow were electric.
The aftermath of the game? A dead heat for first place. The crazy thing is this: because of the league's tie-breaking rules (the first being goals against) the Red Army actually controls their own destiny. That is right folks, unlikely candidates to finish in the top four are now two wins away from sealing up the division. With the winning streak at seven, this journalist sees no reason why it can't be extended to nine... and thirteen.
REDDER ARMY NOTES:
Redder Army is experiencing a winning streak of their own with four straight victories. In fact, if they win their game (in progress right now) they would leap frog Blackout and Red Army for first place, although to retain the seed they would need both Blackout and Red Army to go winless in their final two games. The slightly more socialists have been receiving secondary scoring from Steve, Jerrod, Chris, and Andy lately, but everyone knows their bread and butter is Mike and Wilson, respectively. They could be the toughest team to predict in Silver. On one hand, it could be argued that any team capable of shutting down Mike and Wilson by taking away their time and space could easily defeat them. But the problem is that such a task is no mean feat. Redder Army by far already has the most potent offense, and now their defense is improved. The only team that this journalist sees them losing to (assuming that both team's rosters are full) is... you guessed it: Red Army. But I'll save that post for when the time is right. For now, I'm off to cover the Red Army game. Also, we'll be starting a new feature at R.A.D. where we will highlight player profiles on off days. This week we will cover Steve Hand and Beege. Later kids. By the way, did you notice the witty line at the end of the game recap? Moscow's streets being ELECTRIC. See it? Red Army vs BLACKOUT. See? Do you, do you see?
Monday, July 14, 2008
No Goalie? No Problem.
When the puck was dropped at 10 pm tonight, the Red Army's net was gaping. Somewhere along the line, communication had broken down between goaltender Josh and the rest of the team, and what had been anticipated as a great matchup between two power-houses, seemed doomed for a blowout. As the adage goes, desperate times call for desperate measures... although in this case a more accurate saying could be: desperate housewives received no Scoregasms tonight because Mother Russia was the ultimate CB (crease block... heads out of the gutters kids.) That's right, against all odds, Mother Russia defeated the plentiful goalbusters 7-2 in what can only be described as a stellar all around performance.
Like any Disney movie, the villains scored first. Just three minutes into the game MS scored, giving them the lead. While many teams might be disheartened, the Red Army knew it was enjoying a magical run, and decided to milk it a little more. After a "fucking sick pass" from Neal, Brad tied the game at 1. Moments later, after Mark drew a penalty (he drew five on the night, and only took one... totally worth it) he slammed home a rebound on the doorstep and gave the soviets the lead with less than a minute in the period. Was... was it.... was it possible?
Midway through the second the score was 3-1, courtesy of a Peter goal, when Neal found the back of the net to increase the lead to three. Frustration was mounting for the Scoregasms, and they could not find a release. After a questionable penalty on Mark, the more-than-singular tallyloads scored on a slapshot. It would be as close they would "come". Peter and Brad each netted their second goals of the game, and on a 5 on 2 power play with 90 seconds remaining, Beege found the back of the net on a beautiful tic, tic, tic, tac, toe play. This of course activated the Hendricks curse, which has now increased its potency to 130-0.
POST GAME NOTES AND QUOTES:
-The Red Army powerplay was 4 for 6 tonight
-Ryan was money playing goalie at times during the game. His kick save was... a beauty.
-Neal and Peter continue their streak of outscoring Mark and Beege... but we all who will win that race.
-Pat continued his solid presence on D, and because of his jersey color was gypped of two points.
-Mark took four or five elbows from #00 who actually works at the sportsplex and is the Senior Asshole on staff.
-Goal of the game is Beege's 5 on 2 marker.
-Celebration of the game is Neal's "woooo", fist pump, followed by 2 and a half minutes of line dancing with rented hookers.
"Tonight was sick. We absolutely dominated them. I mean, you think it would be a huge disadvantage that we were without a goalie... and it was... but man we just took it to them. We wiped the floor with them. We wiped our asses with them actually. Oh, good game man. (A MS player walked by) We really did just bend them over and rape them is what I'm trying to say. And not figuratively. They are going to give birth to an illegitimate Red Army baby 9 months from tonight and it will be a constant reminder of how we just beat them without a goalie. Catch my drift?" An exhausted Mark said after the game.
"I took one off the elbow in the first while I was in goal... but man, if it had hit me in the face, let's just say I don't mind going back to prison." Ryan went on to add. "Although last time was a traffic offense so if I killed a bitch it would probably be higher security. Also we probably wouldn't get cable."
"I don't know what to say about tonight." An elated George Lopez told reporters after the game. "I mean, we were on the verge of moving to Kansas City four games ago, now we're the hottest team in town. Our ticket sales have increased by two thousand percent. Have you seen the ratings?!? We beat American Idol last week. If these boys keep it up we might have a chance of beating Tyler Perry's House of Payne, cable's number 1 sitcom!"
STANDINGS UPDATE & REDDER ARMY INFO
The Redder Army defeated the Individual Team 8-1, moving them into sixth place. The victory avenged a heart breaking loss last game to the Cryptic Stench. The Stench lost to Bear Calvary tonight, meaning that second place now belongs to Red Army. With four games left in the season, it is very unlikely that Blackout will be caught, but there is certainly some pressure.
MARK NOTE
For the 199th straight season, Mark has reached the 30 point plateau. That is all.
Like any Disney movie, the villains scored first. Just three minutes into the game MS scored, giving them the lead. While many teams might be disheartened, the Red Army knew it was enjoying a magical run, and decided to milk it a little more. After a "fucking sick pass" from Neal, Brad tied the game at 1. Moments later, after Mark drew a penalty (he drew five on the night, and only took one... totally worth it) he slammed home a rebound on the doorstep and gave the soviets the lead with less than a minute in the period. Was... was it.... was it possible?
Midway through the second the score was 3-1, courtesy of a Peter goal, when Neal found the back of the net to increase the lead to three. Frustration was mounting for the Scoregasms, and they could not find a release. After a questionable penalty on Mark, the more-than-singular tallyloads scored on a slapshot. It would be as close they would "come". Peter and Brad each netted their second goals of the game, and on a 5 on 2 power play with 90 seconds remaining, Beege found the back of the net on a beautiful tic, tic, tic, tac, toe play. This of course activated the Hendricks curse, which has now increased its potency to 130-0.
POST GAME NOTES AND QUOTES:
-The Red Army powerplay was 4 for 6 tonight
-Ryan was money playing goalie at times during the game. His kick save was... a beauty.
-Neal and Peter continue their streak of outscoring Mark and Beege... but we all who will win that race.
-Pat continued his solid presence on D, and because of his jersey color was gypped of two points.
-Mark took four or five elbows from #00 who actually works at the sportsplex and is the Senior Asshole on staff.
-Goal of the game is Beege's 5 on 2 marker.
-Celebration of the game is Neal's "woooo", fist pump, followed by 2 and a half minutes of line dancing with rented hookers.
"Tonight was sick. We absolutely dominated them. I mean, you think it would be a huge disadvantage that we were without a goalie... and it was... but man we just took it to them. We wiped the floor with them. We wiped our asses with them actually. Oh, good game man. (A MS player walked by) We really did just bend them over and rape them is what I'm trying to say. And not figuratively. They are going to give birth to an illegitimate Red Army baby 9 months from tonight and it will be a constant reminder of how we just beat them without a goalie. Catch my drift?" An exhausted Mark said after the game.
"I took one off the elbow in the first while I was in goal... but man, if it had hit me in the face, let's just say I don't mind going back to prison." Ryan went on to add. "Although last time was a traffic offense so if I killed a bitch it would probably be higher security. Also we probably wouldn't get cable."
"I don't know what to say about tonight." An elated George Lopez told reporters after the game. "I mean, we were on the verge of moving to Kansas City four games ago, now we're the hottest team in town. Our ticket sales have increased by two thousand percent. Have you seen the ratings?!? We beat American Idol last week. If these boys keep it up we might have a chance of beating Tyler Perry's House of Payne, cable's number 1 sitcom!"
STANDINGS UPDATE & REDDER ARMY INFO
The Redder Army defeated the Individual Team 8-1, moving them into sixth place. The victory avenged a heart breaking loss last game to the Cryptic Stench. The Stench lost to Bear Calvary tonight, meaning that second place now belongs to Red Army. With four games left in the season, it is very unlikely that Blackout will be caught, but there is certainly some pressure.
MARK NOTE
For the 199th straight season, Mark has reached the 30 point plateau. That is all.
Monday, July 7, 2008
White Wins Red War
When the season's schedule was released, July 6th was circled on everyone's calendar. The anticipation building up to the match-up of Red Army vs Redder Army was palpable. Journalists toyed with headlines for weeks, fans of both teams placed their wagers, and the coaches game-planned. By the time 10 pm rolled around, the NRHAMLDS website (National Roller Hockey Adult Men's League Dulles Sportsplex) had received over 8 billion hits, although much of that is attributed to the website's eerily similar URL to the popular pornographic site: NRHAMLD (Naughty Rabid Haitian-American Mothers Licking Dicks). Point being, by the time the puck was dropped many people had erections, for one reason or another.
As expected, it didn't take long for one team to find the back of the net. Red Army, who wore white because they are the team closest to God, got the early lead thanks to a Beege snipe. The winger ripped a shot short side on the goalie. Moments later, Beege's twin brother Neal extended the lead to two. Before the game was five minutes old the game was 3-0, as Mark continued his recent tear by weaving in and out of defenders before depositing the puck in the goal on a semi-breakaway. Some sensed blowout, but a determined Redder Army squad only saw opportunity for a comeback. The slightly more socialist group potted four even-strength goals in the frame's final ten minutes, with play-makers Barone and Wilson leading the charge. After the first, it was 4-3 Redder Army.
Whatever was said during that first period on the Red Army bench must have struck a nerve, because Mother Russia came out on fire. "Brad and Ryan talked about being defensively responsible, and I just reminded everyone that we play better when we utilise all of our players with good passing and supply strong puck support. We knew Andrew was giving us a strong outing between the pipes so we wanted to get him more goals. But I think what really got us fired up was when George Lopez, the owner of the franchise, came down and told us if we lost this game we'd be relocating to Kansas City. Now I don't know if it was a bluff or not, or if he is really the owner of the franchise... he just told us he was, and let's be honest, who fucking questions George Lopez? The point is we didn't want to go to Kansas City, ain't nothing good ever come from KC."
B-List celebrity cameos aside, the second period was dominated by the original comrades. Ryan leveled the game at 4 on the power play with a shot from the point. Neal regained the lead with a perfectly placed shot through a screen. Mark, having already been engaged in a brief scuffle with Tony, added insult to injury by netting his second of the night on a wrister from the slot, making it 6-4. The goal of the game came next on a beautiful one timer from Beege. Ryan took the puck from his blue line and skated across center into the offensive zone. He circled the net and found Beege, who was parked in the slot. Beege's one timer was clocked at 104 mph, and beat the goalie top shelf. The celebration was pure jubilation. After three years of practicing one-timers in front of his house, Beege had scored on one. Before the period would end, Brad would add one more to make the score 8-4 heading into the 3rd.
"We certainly didn't think it was over going into the third." A disappointed Steve said after the game. "We knew they had offense. We were trying to go goal for goal with them, but couldn't keep up. What's that age-old adage that always gets thrown around? You brought a knife to a gun fight... well we brought a scooter to a bike race. We brought a camel to the derby. We brought pez to a Halloween party. We brought a product of lesser value to a convention revealing the hottest commodity. That being said, I enjoyed playing them and can't wait to again. Had we scored early in the 3rd instead of giving up one, things might have been different."
While certainly not the nail in the coffin, Ryan's goal to start the 3rd definitely made things much more difficult for the Marxister Militia. Peter chipped in to make things 10-4, and also activated the fabled Hendricks curse: anytime all four Hendricks brothers score a goal in the same game, the Red Army is undefeated (128-0). The kiss of death, as none teams call it. There was a brief redder scare, as Barone and Wilson tallied seconds apart from each other to bring the game within 4, but all other attacks were staved off. Mark salted the game away with his third of the game in the final two minutes. The first Red Army vs Redder Army battle ended 11-6 in favor of the Red Army.
"It was a fun game, but I definitely don't want to play them in the first round of the playoffs." An abnormally sweaty Peter said afterwards. "Sure the scoreboard says we won by five, but they hit posts and missed chances.... right now they could easily be celebrating the win." His cocky brother Mark was not so nervous. "Playoffs, bring it on mofo. Woooo baby! Fuck it, I don't even wanna wait for the first round. Let's play them in the play-in game to the playoffs. God damn we're on fire right now. Hey Blackout, suck ma bawls we're coming for you."
So there you have it. When the season started we knew there would be an entertaining game to watch. Now as journalists, we just hope there is one more game this season, if you catch my drift. With the way the standings are right now, a #4 vs #5 could very well be in the cards, although this deck is missing two jacks and a nine.
As expected, it didn't take long for one team to find the back of the net. Red Army, who wore white because they are the team closest to God, got the early lead thanks to a Beege snipe. The winger ripped a shot short side on the goalie. Moments later, Beege's twin brother Neal extended the lead to two. Before the game was five minutes old the game was 3-0, as Mark continued his recent tear by weaving in and out of defenders before depositing the puck in the goal on a semi-breakaway. Some sensed blowout, but a determined Redder Army squad only saw opportunity for a comeback. The slightly more socialist group potted four even-strength goals in the frame's final ten minutes, with play-makers Barone and Wilson leading the charge. After the first, it was 4-3 Redder Army.
Whatever was said during that first period on the Red Army bench must have struck a nerve, because Mother Russia came out on fire. "Brad and Ryan talked about being defensively responsible, and I just reminded everyone that we play better when we utilise all of our players with good passing and supply strong puck support. We knew Andrew was giving us a strong outing between the pipes so we wanted to get him more goals. But I think what really got us fired up was when George Lopez, the owner of the franchise, came down and told us if we lost this game we'd be relocating to Kansas City. Now I don't know if it was a bluff or not, or if he is really the owner of the franchise... he just told us he was, and let's be honest, who fucking questions George Lopez? The point is we didn't want to go to Kansas City, ain't nothing good ever come from KC."
B-List celebrity cameos aside, the second period was dominated by the original comrades. Ryan leveled the game at 4 on the power play with a shot from the point. Neal regained the lead with a perfectly placed shot through a screen. Mark, having already been engaged in a brief scuffle with Tony, added insult to injury by netting his second of the night on a wrister from the slot, making it 6-4. The goal of the game came next on a beautiful one timer from Beege. Ryan took the puck from his blue line and skated across center into the offensive zone. He circled the net and found Beege, who was parked in the slot. Beege's one timer was clocked at 104 mph, and beat the goalie top shelf. The celebration was pure jubilation. After three years of practicing one-timers in front of his house, Beege had scored on one. Before the period would end, Brad would add one more to make the score 8-4 heading into the 3rd.
"We certainly didn't think it was over going into the third." A disappointed Steve said after the game. "We knew they had offense. We were trying to go goal for goal with them, but couldn't keep up. What's that age-old adage that always gets thrown around? You brought a knife to a gun fight... well we brought a scooter to a bike race. We brought a camel to the derby. We brought pez to a Halloween party. We brought a product of lesser value to a convention revealing the hottest commodity. That being said, I enjoyed playing them and can't wait to again. Had we scored early in the 3rd instead of giving up one, things might have been different."
While certainly not the nail in the coffin, Ryan's goal to start the 3rd definitely made things much more difficult for the Marxister Militia. Peter chipped in to make things 10-4, and also activated the fabled Hendricks curse: anytime all four Hendricks brothers score a goal in the same game, the Red Army is undefeated (128-0). The kiss of death, as none teams call it. There was a brief redder scare, as Barone and Wilson tallied seconds apart from each other to bring the game within 4, but all other attacks were staved off. Mark salted the game away with his third of the game in the final two minutes. The first Red Army vs Redder Army battle ended 11-6 in favor of the Red Army.
"It was a fun game, but I definitely don't want to play them in the first round of the playoffs." An abnormally sweaty Peter said afterwards. "Sure the scoreboard says we won by five, but they hit posts and missed chances.... right now they could easily be celebrating the win." His cocky brother Mark was not so nervous. "Playoffs, bring it on mofo. Woooo baby! Fuck it, I don't even wanna wait for the first round. Let's play them in the play-in game to the playoffs. God damn we're on fire right now. Hey Blackout, suck ma bawls we're coming for you."
So there you have it. When the season started we knew there would be an entertaining game to watch. Now as journalists, we just hope there is one more game this season, if you catch my drift. With the way the standings are right now, a #4 vs #5 could very well be in the cards, although this deck is missing two jacks and a nine.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Instant Classic
The Red Army won a nail biter tonight 8-7 in what was easily the most entertaining game of the season- by far. Mark Hendricks had a career high six goals, while his brother Peter had a pair, including the game winner which came on a two man advantage with 18 seconds remaining in the game.
With Simek out for the season, and Neal, Beege, Odell, and Lynch out for tonight's game, Mother Russia called on old friend Steve Hand and called up Pat King from the Trailside Tigers. Pat contributed on the defensive front, while Hand wreaked havoc in front of the Indy net all night and factored in to a few of the Hendricks goals. The scoring was started by Mark, who gathered a rebound after a botched breakaway and fired top right. He added two more in the first period, giving his team the lead after one, 3-2.
Midway through the second the lead was increased to two after Peter and Steve's relentless forchecking. Steve was able to backhand a pass from the sideboards to Peter, who crept in and fired a wrister five hole. The celebration was brief though, as moments later the Indy's struck back, and the lead was one again. Mark continued the see-saw affair by scoring on a spectacular 1 on 1 move. He faked outside and cut inside, skated around the defender and potted the goal under the outstretched goaltender. Still in the second frame, during a lengthy shift spent in the Indy zone, Brad found Mark in the slot, and Mark found daylight. It increased the lead to three, the biggest lead of the game. But with just five skaters and the odometers rising, no lead was safe. The Indys decreased the margin to two just before the second intermission.
"Not much was said during those two minutes on the bench. Mark was lying down on the rink trying to catch his breath, everyone else was breathing heavy and drinking lots of water. Brad said a few words, just reminding us to play smart. It was cool to be reunited with my old mates. It felt right." Hand said afterwards. "We knew the 3rd period was going to be tough. But we were fighting for each other. Doesn't matter if I play for the Redder Army, or Pat isn't on the roster, for 45 minutes tonight we bled red. I mean, like Red Army. I guess we all bleed red. We were a unit out there."
It was evident that the game plan going into the third had changed. What had been a run and gun offense with crisp passing and swift skating had changed to a dump and chase mentality with no forechecking presence. It worked for the first half of the period, but the Indys kept coming. Scoring two goals in the span of 90 seconds, the game was tied at 6 with just over five minutes to play. When many thought there was nothing left in the tank, the Red Army went to its bread and butter, #18. Mark, who seemed vehement to not let his career night go to waste, pushed the ensuing faceoff through the center's legs and found Hand springing into the offensive zone. Hand skated in then fed a beautiful pass back to Mark, who fired a shot top shelf before falling down. The celebration, probably the most controversial of the season, was Mark humping the rink. No fines have been issued yet, but the league released a statement saying that "The matter is being looked into."
As only appropriate, within seconds the game was even again, this time at 7. Certainly there was no feasible way that Mother Russia had one more goal in them. Players were gasping for air between breaks and the water supply had run out. But with just under 90 seconds left, a glimmer of victorious hope arrived, as an Indy player was called for tripping Mark. The power play went to work, peppering shots on but couldn't dent the twine. Then, with 30 seconds remaining Mark was interfered with behind the goal, resulting in a 4 on 2 power play with 22 seconds remaining. "I'll be honest, I didn't think I was going to get that call. But I kept my feet moving and I saw his (the ref's) arm go up and I just thought... damn... now we have to score." And it took all of five seconds. Mark won the faceoff back to Brad, who found Peter in the slot. Peter's shot hit the blocker and fluttered in the air before trickling over the goal line. What had seemed impossible, became very real. As the final seconds ticked off, the puck 200 feet away from the Red Army goal, Mark raised his hands to the air and let out a "Fuck yeah!" Cause really, that was a fucking great game.
With Simek out for the season, and Neal, Beege, Odell, and Lynch out for tonight's game, Mother Russia called on old friend Steve Hand and called up Pat King from the Trailside Tigers. Pat contributed on the defensive front, while Hand wreaked havoc in front of the Indy net all night and factored in to a few of the Hendricks goals. The scoring was started by Mark, who gathered a rebound after a botched breakaway and fired top right. He added two more in the first period, giving his team the lead after one, 3-2.
Midway through the second the lead was increased to two after Peter and Steve's relentless forchecking. Steve was able to backhand a pass from the sideboards to Peter, who crept in and fired a wrister five hole. The celebration was brief though, as moments later the Indy's struck back, and the lead was one again. Mark continued the see-saw affair by scoring on a spectacular 1 on 1 move. He faked outside and cut inside, skated around the defender and potted the goal under the outstretched goaltender. Still in the second frame, during a lengthy shift spent in the Indy zone, Brad found Mark in the slot, and Mark found daylight. It increased the lead to three, the biggest lead of the game. But with just five skaters and the odometers rising, no lead was safe. The Indys decreased the margin to two just before the second intermission.
"Not much was said during those two minutes on the bench. Mark was lying down on the rink trying to catch his breath, everyone else was breathing heavy and drinking lots of water. Brad said a few words, just reminding us to play smart. It was cool to be reunited with my old mates. It felt right." Hand said afterwards. "We knew the 3rd period was going to be tough. But we were fighting for each other. Doesn't matter if I play for the Redder Army, or Pat isn't on the roster, for 45 minutes tonight we bled red. I mean, like Red Army. I guess we all bleed red. We were a unit out there."
It was evident that the game plan going into the third had changed. What had been a run and gun offense with crisp passing and swift skating had changed to a dump and chase mentality with no forechecking presence. It worked for the first half of the period, but the Indys kept coming. Scoring two goals in the span of 90 seconds, the game was tied at 6 with just over five minutes to play. When many thought there was nothing left in the tank, the Red Army went to its bread and butter, #18. Mark, who seemed vehement to not let his career night go to waste, pushed the ensuing faceoff through the center's legs and found Hand springing into the offensive zone. Hand skated in then fed a beautiful pass back to Mark, who fired a shot top shelf before falling down. The celebration, probably the most controversial of the season, was Mark humping the rink. No fines have been issued yet, but the league released a statement saying that "The matter is being looked into."
As only appropriate, within seconds the game was even again, this time at 7. Certainly there was no feasible way that Mother Russia had one more goal in them. Players were gasping for air between breaks and the water supply had run out. But with just under 90 seconds left, a glimmer of victorious hope arrived, as an Indy player was called for tripping Mark. The power play went to work, peppering shots on but couldn't dent the twine. Then, with 30 seconds remaining Mark was interfered with behind the goal, resulting in a 4 on 2 power play with 22 seconds remaining. "I'll be honest, I didn't think I was going to get that call. But I kept my feet moving and I saw his (the ref's) arm go up and I just thought... damn... now we have to score." And it took all of five seconds. Mark won the faceoff back to Brad, who found Peter in the slot. Peter's shot hit the blocker and fluttered in the air before trickling over the goal line. What had seemed impossible, became very real. As the final seconds ticked off, the puck 200 feet away from the Red Army goal, Mark raised his hands to the air and let out a "Fuck yeah!" Cause really, that was a fucking great game.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Order Restored
The Red Army won. Mark Hendricks is a top ten scorer. The season is back on track. Bring on the Indys, ho.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Mark Cleared to Play, Probably Drunk
Mark Hendricks was cleared by doctors to skate for the Red Army tomorrow night. The unbelievably talented sniper will suit up back on the first line and be reunited with his brother Beege. We journalists had a phone conversation with Mark earlier, below is the transcript of our conference call.
Digest: Are you excited to play tomorrow?
Mark: Fuck yeah mang.
Digest: Do you think you can turn this season around?
Mark: Of course, wait hold this hold this, it's my turn (yelling in background, gurgling) I've turned so much shit around this ain't nothing.
Digest: How much of an impact do you think you'll have on your team.
Mark: As big as an impact the iceberg had on the titanic.
Digest: Can you elaborate? The iceberg sunk the titanic.
Mark: That's a pretty big impact dickweed. Woah, who the fuck is this skank? Fuck it I'm not paying. (Loud rap music blasting, a glass breaks.)
Digest: Do you still think you have a shot at the scoring title?
Mark: (Hollering and yelling in background) What?
Digest: The scoring title, do you still think-
Mark: Oh yeah, definitely. I'm the best.
Digest: How will your form be with your elbow and wrist hurting?
Mark: I haven't been watching that much porn but my wrist does hurt a bit. How do you hurt your elbow?
Digest: Do you still think you can win the championship this year?
Mark: I think (undecipherable) but a lot of it depends on (undecipherable) other than that we just gotta cut some bitches.
Digest: Do you think that-
We lost connection, and received a voicemail from Mark 2 hours later.
Mark: Digest this mofo! (Farting noise made into the phone) Mark hurr, and I juffst has one God damned thing to say to you assholes at meet the press secretary of my johnson center for the arts and craft closet homosexuals are gay lord nashville predators chris hanson mmmmmmm bop bojangles... I don't know what I just said... but let us just remember this (farting noise made into phone.) Shit, there's a dead hooker next to me.
Digest: Are you excited to play tomorrow?
Mark: Fuck yeah mang.
Digest: Do you think you can turn this season around?
Mark: Of course, wait hold this hold this, it's my turn (yelling in background, gurgling) I've turned so much shit around this ain't nothing.
Digest: How much of an impact do you think you'll have on your team.
Mark: As big as an impact the iceberg had on the titanic.
Digest: Can you elaborate? The iceberg sunk the titanic.
Mark: That's a pretty big impact dickweed. Woah, who the fuck is this skank? Fuck it I'm not paying. (Loud rap music blasting, a glass breaks.)
Digest: Do you still think you have a shot at the scoring title?
Mark: (Hollering and yelling in background) What?
Digest: The scoring title, do you still think-
Mark: Oh yeah, definitely. I'm the best.
Digest: How will your form be with your elbow and wrist hurting?
Mark: I haven't been watching that much porn but my wrist does hurt a bit. How do you hurt your elbow?
Digest: Do you still think you can win the championship this year?
Mark: I think (undecipherable) but a lot of it depends on (undecipherable) other than that we just gotta cut some bitches.
Digest: Do you think that-
We lost connection, and received a voicemail from Mark 2 hours later.
Mark: Digest this mofo! (Farting noise made into the phone) Mark hurr, and I juffst has one God damned thing to say to you assholes at meet the press secretary of my johnson center for the arts and craft closet homosexuals are gay lord nashville predators chris hanson mmmmmmm bop bojangles... I don't know what I just said... but let us just remember this (farting noise made into phone.) Shit, there's a dead hooker next to me.
Monday, June 16, 2008
It's Better To Be Redder
One team is undefeated, atop the division, and boasts two of the top five scorers in the league. The other is 1-2, suffering from untimely absences, and ready to hit the panic button. Can you match the team to its description? Three weeks ago I'd be surprised if anyone guessed that the first statement is a summary of the Redder Army's season. With a tie last night, the slightly more totalitarian team remained undefeated and is now tied with Multiple Scoregasms for first place in silver division. The scoring was again supplied by Barone, Chris, and Jerrod, while Zach Wilson missed his first game to caddy for Tiger Woods.
The only downside to the Redder Army's season so far: Captain Hand (or, Caphand, as some of his mates affectionately call him) and his skate breaking (or skeakage, as no one calls it). The centerman will have to purchase a new pair, or do some serious skate maintenance (skatenance). "Yeah it was rough." A disgruntled Hand said afterwards. "But as the saying goes, when the going gets tough... make lemonade."
FUNFACT: Andy Schram is the only player to not register a point for his team. This marks the first time in history that a player has played 3 games with a team and not contributed. This stat not only applies to roller hockey teams everywhere, but also other sports... skiing, volleyball, jai alai, badminton, croquet, cricket, basketball, puck game, ping pong, Foosball, boomerang, rugby, smear the queer, tag the fag, oh no a homo, oh hey a gay, water polo, hopscotch, the Kentucky derby, rock paper scissors, paper football, 40 meter dash, tennis, beer pong, flip cup, quarters, mini golf, nose game, and murder the homosexual.
Meanwhile, the Red Army cancelled all practices until its game Thursday for players to recuperate and heal up. The team, while certainly not where it wants to be in the standings, is still optimistic. Even Brad, who usually takes losses especially hard, was heard humming a tune from the Annie soundtrack, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow." At last check, it is still raining.
Neal and Beege return home tonight, and Mark should be cleared to play for Thursday's game on Wednesday. Asked if he has anything special planned to rally his teammates on Thursday, Mark had this to say: "I'll tell them we're a better team than our record indicates, and that's we just need to get down to business and rock out with our cock out. Really just hang out with our wang out. Ya know, go for a stroll while swaying to and fro is our collective pole."
UPDATE: Mark has been fined by the FCC a sum of $4 million dollars for his penis jokes earlier.
UPDATE: Mark has signed a plea bargain to avoid the fee, by agreeing to lead pep rallies in high schools across the nation.
UPDATE: Mark has been arrested for statutory rape after impregnating half of the Silton High junior varsity cheerleading squad.
The only downside to the Redder Army's season so far: Captain Hand (or, Caphand, as some of his mates affectionately call him) and his skate breaking (or skeakage, as no one calls it). The centerman will have to purchase a new pair, or do some serious skate maintenance (skatenance). "Yeah it was rough." A disgruntled Hand said afterwards. "But as the saying goes, when the going gets tough... make lemonade."
FUNFACT: Andy Schram is the only player to not register a point for his team. This marks the first time in history that a player has played 3 games with a team and not contributed. This stat not only applies to roller hockey teams everywhere, but also other sports... skiing, volleyball, jai alai, badminton, croquet, cricket, basketball, puck game, ping pong, Foosball, boomerang, rugby, smear the queer, tag the fag, oh no a homo, oh hey a gay, water polo, hopscotch, the Kentucky derby, rock paper scissors, paper football, 40 meter dash, tennis, beer pong, flip cup, quarters, mini golf, nose game, and murder the homosexual.
Meanwhile, the Red Army cancelled all practices until its game Thursday for players to recuperate and heal up. The team, while certainly not where it wants to be in the standings, is still optimistic. Even Brad, who usually takes losses especially hard, was heard humming a tune from the Annie soundtrack, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow." At last check, it is still raining.
Neal and Beege return home tonight, and Mark should be cleared to play for Thursday's game on Wednesday. Asked if he has anything special planned to rally his teammates on Thursday, Mark had this to say: "I'll tell them we're a better team than our record indicates, and that's we just need to get down to business and rock out with our cock out. Really just hang out with our wang out. Ya know, go for a stroll while swaying to and fro is our collective pole."
UPDATE: Mark has been fined by the FCC a sum of $4 million dollars for his penis jokes earlier.
UPDATE: Mark has signed a plea bargain to avoid the fee, by agreeing to lead pep rallies in high schools across the nation.
UPDATE: Mark has been arrested for statutory rape after impregnating half of the Silton High junior varsity cheerleading squad.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Simek's Tally Marred By Loss
Jameson Simek scored his first career goal last night in a losing effort against the Multiple Scoregasms. The goal came late in the third, with the game well out of reach, on a rebound. The score remained the same the rest of the way, with a final score of 9-3. The two other markers were provided by Neal, who now holds a one goal lead in the twin scoring race.
So what was the reason for tonight's blowout loss? Three things, in this journalist's humble opinion. First, Josh's shoulder injury. An injured goalie is never a good thing. He struggled with shots all night and was pierced nine times. While the extent of his injury is unknown, the time off before Sunday's matinee meeting with the Cryptic Stench is only a good thing. Secondly, missed opportunities. While the goaltending was great for the Scoregasms, it would have been nice for Mother Russia to stash more than three. Missed breakaways and odd man rushes always come back to bite you in the proverbial ass (ass in this case, not proverbial). Thirdly, and the biggest reason for the loss tonight, the absence of Lynch, Beege, and Mark. Not only does this give the soviets two goal scorers and a defensemen, but it gives their players more rest. Fatigue certainly played a factor tonight on the short bench.
EXTRA NEWS AND NOTES: Neal and Ryan both suffered injuries during tonight's game but should heal up before Sunday. Mark is in Bern, Switzerland with an elbow specialist until Thursday, but he told reporters he expects to play on Sunday.
REDDER ARMY NOTES: All players are currently reveling in the fact that they are now seeded higher than the Red Army.
So what was the reason for tonight's blowout loss? Three things, in this journalist's humble opinion. First, Josh's shoulder injury. An injured goalie is never a good thing. He struggled with shots all night and was pierced nine times. While the extent of his injury is unknown, the time off before Sunday's matinee meeting with the Cryptic Stench is only a good thing. Secondly, missed opportunities. While the goaltending was great for the Scoregasms, it would have been nice for Mother Russia to stash more than three. Missed breakaways and odd man rushes always come back to bite you in the proverbial ass (ass in this case, not proverbial). Thirdly, and the biggest reason for the loss tonight, the absence of Lynch, Beege, and Mark. Not only does this give the soviets two goal scorers and a defensemen, but it gives their players more rest. Fatigue certainly played a factor tonight on the short bench.
EXTRA NEWS AND NOTES: Neal and Ryan both suffered injuries during tonight's game but should heal up before Sunday. Mark is in Bern, Switzerland with an elbow specialist until Thursday, but he told reporters he expects to play on Sunday.
REDDER ARMY NOTES: All players are currently reveling in the fact that they are now seeded higher than the Red Army.
Monday, June 9, 2008
2 Out In Attempt 2 Go 2 and Oh!
Gayest title of the year? Probably, but who cares, the Red Army is undefeated! They continue their quest for the perfect season tomorrow night against the Multiple Scoregasms, who defeated the Mad Dads last night. Sure, any comedian could easily crack a joke about how mad the dads were over not being able to "bust" their opponent and how "frustrating" it can be, but any joke of that nature would be in poor taste, and especially at this stage in the season: "premature." Grow up.
But a victory will not come easily tomorrow, as the Red Army will be without their top line of Mark and Beege. Mark is on the IR until Sunday, while Beege just sucks, excuse me, has a physics final. The scoring will most likely come from the stick of Peter, a defenseman, or very unlikely, Neal. Even so, with all of that, I still predict a victory for Mother Russia over the goalbusters. The score: 7-3, star of the game: Brad.
REDDER ARMY NEWS: Coming off of their victory last night, the team celebrated by drinking heavily. Later, Andy copulated with a fat chick.
But a victory will not come easily tomorrow, as the Red Army will be without their top line of Mark and Beege. Mark is on the IR until Sunday, while Beege just sucks, excuse me, has a physics final. The scoring will most likely come from the stick of Peter, a defenseman, or very unlikely, Neal. Even so, with all of that, I still predict a victory for Mother Russia over the goalbusters. The score: 7-3, star of the game: Brad.
REDDER ARMY NEWS: Coming off of their victory last night, the team celebrated by drinking heavily. Later, Andy copulated with a fat chick.
Red Out
For now, the silver division is a four way tie for first place. Four teams sit at 1-0. Two of those teams are armies. Yes, the Red and Redder Armies won their Sunday night game's handily thanks to potent offenses and shut down defenses.
The Red Army got off to a great start, scoring early and often. Three of the Hendricks brothers combined for 7 goals. Neal, the only brother to not dent the twine, set up Peter twice on beautiful deflections in the game's final period. Peter lead the team with four goals, including a beauty that came as the buzzer sounded ending the game to make the final score 10-2. Mark and Brad each netted a pair, while Beege and Ryan each tacked on one to complete the scoring. Lynch and Jamie provided solid defensive help, as Mother Russia allowed only two goals. The Bear Calvary, while overmanned and out-hustled, did hang around for a period, but could not keep up the pace. A puck possession clinic was displayed, with a large discrepancy in time of possession (Red Army: 38:21, Bear Calvary: 6:39).
All that glitters is not gold however, as superstar Mark Hendricks went down in the first and was unable to shoot the rest of the game. The injury required a late night visit to urgent care where it was discovered he had suffered a sprained elbow. Certainly nothing season threatening, but he is expected to miss Tuesday's night game and potentially more. He is in a splint and a sling and is currently walking around public to garner the pity of hos.
How close was my pre-game prediction? I give it a C+. I predicted a final score of 9-5, while 10-2 was the final. I take credit for predicting a win and by a wide margin, but certainly did not expect a whitewash. Beege was the predicted player of the game and he had a solid outing, scoring a one timer off a pass from Mark, but Peter was the star. Four goals matches a career best, and he resides as top goal scorer on the team for now. With Mark out, Peter may be calling his own number more often.
The Redder Army also disposed of their oponent tonight, with the final score being 7-2. Wilson, picking up where he left off, netted a four spot, while Barone, Jerrod, and Chris all tallied once. The far more extreme socialists received a solid night in net from Kraus and found themselves victorious without the aid of their captain Steve, who at last check was entering boomtown.
So how was this game prediction? I give myself a D. A predicted a 5-3 loss and the player of the game to be Kraus. In reality the Redder Army won 7-2, thanks to some goal scoring from their stars. For the player of the game I am sticking with my guns, if only to avoid total failure. Kraus backstopped them to victory.
So now the question remains: which team remains undefeated the longest? My prediction: the two teams meet midway through the season both undefeated and settle in there. For now, both teams and both fanbases are happy. The quote to end the night with, this beauty from Mark Hendricks, "Owww holy shit my arm hurts!" Yes Mark, your arm hurts because you are pinching yourself too hard due to the fact that you've convinced yourself that you must be dreaming about how good your team is. He said that in so many words...
The Red Army got off to a great start, scoring early and often. Three of the Hendricks brothers combined for 7 goals. Neal, the only brother to not dent the twine, set up Peter twice on beautiful deflections in the game's final period. Peter lead the team with four goals, including a beauty that came as the buzzer sounded ending the game to make the final score 10-2. Mark and Brad each netted a pair, while Beege and Ryan each tacked on one to complete the scoring. Lynch and Jamie provided solid defensive help, as Mother Russia allowed only two goals. The Bear Calvary, while overmanned and out-hustled, did hang around for a period, but could not keep up the pace. A puck possession clinic was displayed, with a large discrepancy in time of possession (Red Army: 38:21, Bear Calvary: 6:39).
All that glitters is not gold however, as superstar Mark Hendricks went down in the first and was unable to shoot the rest of the game. The injury required a late night visit to urgent care where it was discovered he had suffered a sprained elbow. Certainly nothing season threatening, but he is expected to miss Tuesday's night game and potentially more. He is in a splint and a sling and is currently walking around public to garner the pity of hos.
How close was my pre-game prediction? I give it a C+. I predicted a final score of 9-5, while 10-2 was the final. I take credit for predicting a win and by a wide margin, but certainly did not expect a whitewash. Beege was the predicted player of the game and he had a solid outing, scoring a one timer off a pass from Mark, but Peter was the star. Four goals matches a career best, and he resides as top goal scorer on the team for now. With Mark out, Peter may be calling his own number more often.
The Redder Army also disposed of their oponent tonight, with the final score being 7-2. Wilson, picking up where he left off, netted a four spot, while Barone, Jerrod, and Chris all tallied once. The far more extreme socialists received a solid night in net from Kraus and found themselves victorious without the aid of their captain Steve, who at last check was entering boomtown.
So how was this game prediction? I give myself a D. A predicted a 5-3 loss and the player of the game to be Kraus. In reality the Redder Army won 7-2, thanks to some goal scoring from their stars. For the player of the game I am sticking with my guns, if only to avoid total failure. Kraus backstopped them to victory.
So now the question remains: which team remains undefeated the longest? My prediction: the two teams meet midway through the season both undefeated and settle in there. For now, both teams and both fanbases are happy. The quote to end the night with, this beauty from Mark Hendricks, "Owww holy shit my arm hurts!" Yes Mark, your arm hurts because you are pinching yourself too hard due to the fact that you've convinced yourself that you must be dreaming about how good your team is. He said that in so many words...
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Two for One? One for All? Season(s) Start Sunday... Suckas.
As you loyal readers know, we here at the Digest take great pride in reporting on our beloved team and being the first source to report interviews and a post game analysis. It should come as no surprise when, effective immediately, the Red Army Digest (R.A.D) expands its coverage to report on the Redder Army. As expected, when the teams split, so did the fan base. Many fans with allegiances to certain players moved from franchise to franchise. In fear of losing some readers, we thought it would be in everyone's best interest to cover both teams here. Also, a new feature this year at RAD will be a prediction. After the pre-game breakdown, the final score will be guessed with the predicted player of the game. That being said, let the games begin.
First off, the Red Army laces them up tomorrow at 7 Pm against the much heralded Bear Calvary. Already thought to be a clash of the titans, this game has every making to be one of the best season openers in years. Mother Russia will suit up the Hendricks quad on offense, while seasoned veterans Brad and Lynch along with rookie Ryan Odell, and returning sophomore Jameson Simek head the blue line. The line combinations on offense will feature Mark and Beege on the first, with Neal and Peter on the second. While the players have yet to meet their goaltender, Josh VanBuskirk, the scouting report indicates that he should be exactly what the doctor ordered.
PREDICTION: The game will be a shootout. Both teams have offense and a lot of it. Given the defensive corps of the Red Army, I think they will be able to stave off some of the Bear attacks while the Red Army converts on more opportunities. Close game until the Red Army pulls away in the 3rd, final score 9-5. Player of the game: Beege (5 points).
Four hours later the Redder Army faces off against Cryptic Stench. To fill in those of you unaware of the roster of the Redder Army, voila:
Andy Schram
Steve Hand
Tony Horton
Jerrod Funk
Matt Kraus
Zach Wilson
Chris Duhaime
David Sobral
Mystery Player X
The mystery player will be revealed at 11, but given the talent on this team the match vs the stench could be another even tilt. What the Redder Army lacks on defense, it makes up for on offense. With a top four forwards of Wilson, Duhaime, Funk, and either Hand or X, many believe the Redder offense came out on top offensively after the split. With budding starts Andy and Tony on defense, if they continue their maturity and progression in the league, the more communist squad could pose problems for many teams.
PREDICTION: With captain Steve Hand out and a very skilled opponent, this is no easy game for the Redder Army. For them to win, they need their stars to show up and shine. Player X would need to contribute as well. Getting an early lead and shutting down the stench seems the most logical route to victory. But with all of these "X" factors, I see this game ending with the Stench on top. Final Score: 5-3. Star of the game: Kraus, keeping his team in it until the end.
There are the pre-game breakdowns, post your predictions below if you want to keep a running tally. The winner with the most correct guesses will sing the National Anthem at the Red Army vs Redder Army game.
First off, the Red Army laces them up tomorrow at 7 Pm against the much heralded Bear Calvary. Already thought to be a clash of the titans, this game has every making to be one of the best season openers in years. Mother Russia will suit up the Hendricks quad on offense, while seasoned veterans Brad and Lynch along with rookie Ryan Odell, and returning sophomore Jameson Simek head the blue line. The line combinations on offense will feature Mark and Beege on the first, with Neal and Peter on the second. While the players have yet to meet their goaltender, Josh VanBuskirk, the scouting report indicates that he should be exactly what the doctor ordered.
PREDICTION: The game will be a shootout. Both teams have offense and a lot of it. Given the defensive corps of the Red Army, I think they will be able to stave off some of the Bear attacks while the Red Army converts on more opportunities. Close game until the Red Army pulls away in the 3rd, final score 9-5. Player of the game: Beege (5 points).
Four hours later the Redder Army faces off against Cryptic Stench. To fill in those of you unaware of the roster of the Redder Army, voila:
Andy Schram
Steve Hand
Tony Horton
Jerrod Funk
Matt Kraus
Zach Wilson
Chris Duhaime
David Sobral
Mystery Player X
The mystery player will be revealed at 11, but given the talent on this team the match vs the stench could be another even tilt. What the Redder Army lacks on defense, it makes up for on offense. With a top four forwards of Wilson, Duhaime, Funk, and either Hand or X, many believe the Redder offense came out on top offensively after the split. With budding starts Andy and Tony on defense, if they continue their maturity and progression in the league, the more communist squad could pose problems for many teams.
PREDICTION: With captain Steve Hand out and a very skilled opponent, this is no easy game for the Redder Army. For them to win, they need their stars to show up and shine. Player X would need to contribute as well. Getting an early lead and shutting down the stench seems the most logical route to victory. But with all of these "X" factors, I see this game ending with the Stench on top. Final Score: 5-3. Star of the game: Kraus, keeping his team in it until the end.
There are the pre-game breakdowns, post your predictions below if you want to keep a running tally. The winner with the most correct guesses will sing the National Anthem at the Red Army vs Redder Army game.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Who the Hell is This Mystery Player?
Red Army ex-pats Steve Hand and Andy Schram talked coyly of their newest player "The X Factor" last night at a work-related dinner party. While no clues were given to reveal their latest pick up, sources have said no x-factor can inhibit the inevitable stomping that the Redder Army will receive when they face off against the Red Army.
Still though... come on mang. Who is it?
Still though... come on mang. Who is it?
Monday, June 2, 2008
Red Army Scrimmages, Loses a Player, Gets a Goalie (UPDATED)
Red Army dominated their scrimmage vs the Mad Dads last night, putting on a puck possession clinic. While the Mad Dads are a much improved team, the revamped Red Army lineup easily disposed of the futile fathers.
Much heralded draft pick Pat King has opted out of his contract to play one more season with the Trailside Tigers and will not play for Mother Russia this season. It is likely that he will see one or two games with the big club when the roster has holes in it.
The Red Army signed a free agent goal tender this week. The name of the goalie has not been released yet, but his presence answers the goalie vacancy.
With one roster spot remaining, the Red Army is hoping that Pete Collis joins up with the team. Pete played with Peter, Mark, and Brad in a tournament this weekend. When asked about the tournament, Mark provided this gem: "We had three offensemen, me, Peter, and Pete. Peter and Pete are true centers and always look to pass, and I'm always looking to shoot. It was heaven as far as I'm concerned. As soon as my shot went wide it was back on my stick again."
LEAGUE NOTES: the perverted step child that is Red Army's, has registered their team as "Redder Army". NBC has already released a statement saying that anytime these two teams meet the game will be televised nationally. When asked if he was nervous about playing against his old rival, Andy Schram moaned "Ahh I'm soooo full of chocolate. But I suppose I can have one more nestle bar... ohhh but I shouldn't... when in rome!" Schram was hospitalized shortly after for blowing a 34.2 BCC (blood chocolate concentration) which was 24.2 above the legal amount, or roughly 12,000 hershey kisses too many.
Much heralded draft pick Pat King has opted out of his contract to play one more season with the Trailside Tigers and will not play for Mother Russia this season. It is likely that he will see one or two games with the big club when the roster has holes in it.
The Red Army signed a free agent goal tender this week. The name of the goalie has not been released yet, but his presence answers the goalie vacancy.
With one roster spot remaining, the Red Army is hoping that Pete Collis joins up with the team. Pete played with Peter, Mark, and Brad in a tournament this weekend. When asked about the tournament, Mark provided this gem: "We had three offensemen, me, Peter, and Pete. Peter and Pete are true centers and always look to pass, and I'm always looking to shoot. It was heaven as far as I'm concerned. As soon as my shot went wide it was back on my stick again."
LEAGUE NOTES: the perverted step child that is Red Army's, has registered their team as "Redder Army". NBC has already released a statement saying that anytime these two teams meet the game will be televised nationally. When asked if he was nervous about playing against his old rival, Andy Schram moaned "Ahh I'm soooo full of chocolate. But I suppose I can have one more nestle bar... ohhh but I shouldn't... when in rome!" Schram was hospitalized shortly after for blowing a 34.2 BCC (blood chocolate concentration) which was 24.2 above the legal amount, or roughly 12,000 hershey kisses too many.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Red Army Roster Nearly Finalized
The Red Army signed Pat King to an entry level deal today, bringing their roster to a total of nine. The nine thus far...
1 Mark Hendricks (offense)
2 Peter Hendricks (offense)
3 Brian Hendricks (defense)
4 Neal Hendricks (offense)
5 Brad Lotocki (defense)
6 Brian Lynch (defense)
7 Jamie Simek (offense)
8 Ryan Odell (defense)
9 Pat King (offense)
So, what is left? A goalie. Whether or not the team is able to sign one before June 1st remains to be unseen. Although some are seeing potential in signing one more skater (perhaps Hoefer) and rotating goalies with Peter, Mark, and Pat. Regardless of the goaltending situation, teams in silver have to be shaking in their boots when seeing the depth on that roster. This team could be scary good.
1 Mark Hendricks (offense)
2 Peter Hendricks (offense)
3 Brian Hendricks (defense)
4 Neal Hendricks (offense)
5 Brad Lotocki (defense)
6 Brian Lynch (defense)
7 Jamie Simek (offense)
8 Ryan Odell (defense)
9 Pat King (offense)
So, what is left? A goalie. Whether or not the team is able to sign one before June 1st remains to be unseen. Although some are seeing potential in signing one more skater (perhaps Hoefer) and rotating goalies with Peter, Mark, and Pat. Regardless of the goaltending situation, teams in silver have to be shaking in their boots when seeing the depth on that roster. This team could be scary good.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
More Red Saves Green
(By the way, anyone notice how I always make a pun for a headline. I spoil you)
Thanks to some persuasive bargaining and generosity, both teams will only have to pay $800 to play. So do the math, if you have 10 players, 80 bucks a pop. If you have 800 players, then 1 buck a person.
Thanks to some persuasive bargaining and generosity, both teams will only have to pay $800 to play. So do the math, if you have 10 players, 80 bucks a pop. If you have 800 players, then 1 buck a person.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Long Division
Here is the latest update out of Mother Russia. There will be two silver teams. So far, the cores of the team are such:
Team 1: Peter, Mark, Neal, Beege, Lynch, Brad, Jamie, Ryan (total of 8)
Team 2: Andy, Steve, Jerrod, Chris, David, Kraus, Tony, Wilson (total of 8)
Team 1, the team that will retain the name "Red Army", is also beginning contract negotiation talks with Hoefer (who at last contact said he could play for one month), Pat (who is 50/50 on playing), and Ben (status: unknown). If just one of the aforementioned players can fill a roster spot, then that only leaves the Red Army to find a goalie, which is no mean feat.
Team 2, a team bearing a striking resemblance to spring season's team, will look to add a few players to their roster to hopefully make a run deeper into the playoffs this summer. While no names have been released yet (keeping with club policy) many believe GMAS (aka grandmas) may be working to bring someone in.
If either team needs players they can call upon individual players to join them. Mark received a message this evening about players looking for teams. More information on this to come if necessary.
That is it for now, registration/rosters are due in 10 days. The final rosters will be posted when finalized. If any breaking news/trades occur then I will update.
SIDENOTE: Brad, Peter, and Mark will be participating in a tournament in Winchester, VA on May 31st in a fundraiser to build Virginia Tech a roller hockey rink. Brad, an alumni of the school, got the brothers along to fill out the team of 6. Mark, coincidentally was already registered in the fundraiser, as he still needs 18 more hours of community service to satisfy his sentence for hosting a caribou fighting ring in his basement. He also owed Canada 14 caribou, but that case was settled for a keg of Labatt Blue.
Team 1: Peter, Mark, Neal, Beege, Lynch, Brad, Jamie, Ryan (total of 8)
Team 2: Andy, Steve, Jerrod, Chris, David, Kraus, Tony, Wilson (total of 8)
Team 1, the team that will retain the name "Red Army", is also beginning contract negotiation talks with Hoefer (who at last contact said he could play for one month), Pat (who is 50/50 on playing), and Ben (status: unknown). If just one of the aforementioned players can fill a roster spot, then that only leaves the Red Army to find a goalie, which is no mean feat.
Team 2, a team bearing a striking resemblance to spring season's team, will look to add a few players to their roster to hopefully make a run deeper into the playoffs this summer. While no names have been released yet (keeping with club policy) many believe GMAS (aka grandmas) may be working to bring someone in.
If either team needs players they can call upon individual players to join them. Mark received a message this evening about players looking for teams. More information on this to come if necessary.
That is it for now, registration/rosters are due in 10 days. The final rosters will be posted when finalized. If any breaking news/trades occur then I will update.
SIDENOTE: Brad, Peter, and Mark will be participating in a tournament in Winchester, VA on May 31st in a fundraiser to build Virginia Tech a roller hockey rink. Brad, an alumni of the school, got the brothers along to fill out the team of 6. Mark, coincidentally was already registered in the fundraiser, as he still needs 18 more hours of community service to satisfy his sentence for hosting a caribou fighting ring in his basement. He also owed Canada 14 caribou, but that case was settled for a keg of Labatt Blue.
Friday, May 16, 2008
The Good, The Bad, and the Fugly
What to say? Instead of doing a standard post game wrap up, I have decided to summarize tonight's game with a short 5 item list in the categories: good, bad, and fugly. Enjoy...
THE GOOD
-those two goals in four minutes
-spitz
-mcvay's "WOOOO" after each goal
-brad lotocki
-fan support
THE BAD
-the puck
-the non tripping call on steve
-penalty killing unit
-offense
-length of shifts
THE FUGLY
-two minutes of game time bleeding off the clock during the "fighting" delay
-discipline
-third period
-slashing penalty that nullified an all-but-definite goal for wilson
-non converted odd man rushes
There you have it. Although, one VERY GOOD that cannot go unstated is this gem of a fact: this season's Red Army amassed more victories in the playoffs alone (1) than all of last season's Red Army team in the regular season (0).
But the question is, what team returns in summer. And now it gets interesting...
Recently Mark Hendricks informed the Bratislava Forum that he has opted out of his contract with the GMU team for a chance to play with his brothers, Peter, Neal, and Beege (sucks). This will undoubtedly mean that Mother Russia will have to undergo a mitosis, and divide.
Divide how? Four FOURseeable ways are possible
1: By talent. The teams divide into gold and silver teams This is a very real possibility. But the lack of depth lead many to believe this would be unattainable. It has been stated that Blitzkrieg is looking for a handful of players to fill up their gold squad. How many though? The Hendricks brothers, Brad, and Lynch are a packaged deal. I don't think Blitzkrieg wants to run 3 lines a night. So, can the six afore mentioned players find four more to fit their gold standard? It is possible, but at what cost to the silver team? The chance of a gold team being forged this summer: 17%.
2: By leagues. Dulles Sportsplex, meet your biggest rival: The Box. One team at the plex, one at the box? Any more "x" sounding names? Word on the street is that the box offers a wider array of competition, albeit at a higher price. Would players be willing to migrate down route 50 for more competition? So far reviews have been mixed, but the thought has entered the minds of many who have grown weary of taming the Mad Dads and failing against Old School. The chance of two teams playing in two arenas this summer: (Not enough information yet, but based on the raw facts thus far...) 24%.
3: Don't divide. Stay the same, one large roster with people here and there for games. Silver division, same everything. Not much details needed on this. Chance of this happening: 10%.
4: One arena, one division, two teams. Stay at the plex and take advantage of their dirt cheap fees. A good healthy rivalry would be born, and silver division would see two brand new teams. Granted, their could be some debating and back room deals on where certain players land, but I believe the foundations for the two separate teams have been laid. The Hendricks brothers/Brad/Lynch on one team, while Steve, Andy, Tony, Wilson, and Mcvay lead the other. The remaining skaters Funk, Duhaime(s), Kraus, Simek, Hoefer (if available), and potentially a few old friends who are interested or players from other teams would undoubtedly receive offer sheets when the free agent period begins. Chance of this happening: 49%.
There you have it. We should know more in a few days. I'll update with any breaking news.
THE GOOD
-those two goals in four minutes
-spitz
-mcvay's "WOOOO" after each goal
-brad lotocki
-fan support
THE BAD
-the puck
-the non tripping call on steve
-penalty killing unit
-offense
-length of shifts
THE FUGLY
-two minutes of game time bleeding off the clock during the "fighting" delay
-discipline
-third period
-slashing penalty that nullified an all-but-definite goal for wilson
-non converted odd man rushes
There you have it. Although, one VERY GOOD that cannot go unstated is this gem of a fact: this season's Red Army amassed more victories in the playoffs alone (1) than all of last season's Red Army team in the regular season (0).
But the question is, what team returns in summer. And now it gets interesting...
Recently Mark Hendricks informed the Bratislava Forum that he has opted out of his contract with the GMU team for a chance to play with his brothers, Peter, Neal, and Beege (sucks). This will undoubtedly mean that Mother Russia will have to undergo a mitosis, and divide.
Divide how? Four FOURseeable ways are possible
1: By talent. The teams divide into gold and silver teams This is a very real possibility. But the lack of depth lead many to believe this would be unattainable. It has been stated that Blitzkrieg is looking for a handful of players to fill up their gold squad. How many though? The Hendricks brothers, Brad, and Lynch are a packaged deal. I don't think Blitzkrieg wants to run 3 lines a night. So, can the six afore mentioned players find four more to fit their gold standard? It is possible, but at what cost to the silver team? The chance of a gold team being forged this summer: 17%.
2: By leagues. Dulles Sportsplex, meet your biggest rival: The Box. One team at the plex, one at the box? Any more "x" sounding names? Word on the street is that the box offers a wider array of competition, albeit at a higher price. Would players be willing to migrate down route 50 for more competition? So far reviews have been mixed, but the thought has entered the minds of many who have grown weary of taming the Mad Dads and failing against Old School. The chance of two teams playing in two arenas this summer: (Not enough information yet, but based on the raw facts thus far...) 24%.
3: Don't divide. Stay the same, one large roster with people here and there for games. Silver division, same everything. Not much details needed on this. Chance of this happening: 10%.
4: One arena, one division, two teams. Stay at the plex and take advantage of their dirt cheap fees. A good healthy rivalry would be born, and silver division would see two brand new teams. Granted, their could be some debating and back room deals on where certain players land, but I believe the foundations for the two separate teams have been laid. The Hendricks brothers/Brad/Lynch on one team, while Steve, Andy, Tony, Wilson, and Mcvay lead the other. The remaining skaters Funk, Duhaime(s), Kraus, Simek, Hoefer (if available), and potentially a few old friends who are interested or players from other teams would undoubtedly receive offer sheets when the free agent period begins. Chance of this happening: 49%.
There you have it. We should know more in a few days. I'll update with any breaking news.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Celenski g' Pounded
The gap between first and second place grew slimmer last night after the final horn sounded, ending an impressive offensive onslaught by Mother Russia. Twelve goals were scored on the division leaders, which is four more than any other squad had mustered on them until last night. What makes the feat so remarkable was that those 12 goals were scored by a Red Army roster consisting of only six players. That is right, one goalie (with a pulled groin) and five skaters.
In warm-ups the teams looked like polar opposites. The Red Army shot into an empty net, debating when to call time out in an attempt to buy time for their goalie to dress. Across the blue, the Celenski g'Poudners were running Montreal drills and talking strategy. The Pounders' pucks were seen ringing off posts and involved in crisp tape to tape passes. The Red Army's puck was involved in a game of keep away, featuring Schram and the Hendricks brothers. In the end, when the game finally started, the Pounders' drills and pep talks proved to futile to Mother Russia's talent.
A puck possession clinic was put on by the Army. They played an east to west style which opened up the neutral zone for stretch passes. Hendricks and Wilson lead the team in scoring, combining for all 12 goals (7 and 5 respectively). The goals were scored however long before the puck crossed the goal line. Fielding only five skaters, most would have thought it would be the Russians breathing heavy between shifts. In reality, it was the Pounders that sought oxygen. They spent most of the game chasing the puck as Red Army entertained them in a game of four corners. When the seas finally parted, the defense would fire up a breakaway pass to Wilson or Hendricks, who were both absolute money.
The goal of the game was credited to Wilson. He dangled past two defenders before curling and dragging by another only to slide his stick between his legs and fire a shot top shelf on the helpless goaltender. "He was a gongshow." An elated Wilson said later about the keeper.
Kraus, who suited up despite playing with a pulled groin, made saves when called upon. The score would have not been as close had the Red Army skaters chosen to play defense the last four minutes, a time span that allowed the Pounders to make the game all but respectable. Asked why he didn't backcheck in the last 90 seconds, Mark Hendricks provided this gem, "All I know is, I don't care what stage of the game it is or what's the score... I want to score. If Kraus had made the save I would have expected him to fire me a pass so I could net number 8. I'm aiming for a career high in goals."
For those of you keeping track at home, Mark now has 11 goals in his last two games. If he were to keep up that pace for a full 14 game season he would score... mad bitches.
ECON MEETING: MORE UPDATES LATER...MAYBE
In warm-ups the teams looked like polar opposites. The Red Army shot into an empty net, debating when to call time out in an attempt to buy time for their goalie to dress. Across the blue, the Celenski g'Poudners were running Montreal drills and talking strategy. The Pounders' pucks were seen ringing off posts and involved in crisp tape to tape passes. The Red Army's puck was involved in a game of keep away, featuring Schram and the Hendricks brothers. In the end, when the game finally started, the Pounders' drills and pep talks proved to futile to Mother Russia's talent.
A puck possession clinic was put on by the Army. They played an east to west style which opened up the neutral zone for stretch passes. Hendricks and Wilson lead the team in scoring, combining for all 12 goals (7 and 5 respectively). The goals were scored however long before the puck crossed the goal line. Fielding only five skaters, most would have thought it would be the Russians breathing heavy between shifts. In reality, it was the Pounders that sought oxygen. They spent most of the game chasing the puck as Red Army entertained them in a game of four corners. When the seas finally parted, the defense would fire up a breakaway pass to Wilson or Hendricks, who were both absolute money.
The goal of the game was credited to Wilson. He dangled past two defenders before curling and dragging by another only to slide his stick between his legs and fire a shot top shelf on the helpless goaltender. "He was a gongshow." An elated Wilson said later about the keeper.
Kraus, who suited up despite playing with a pulled groin, made saves when called upon. The score would have not been as close had the Red Army skaters chosen to play defense the last four minutes, a time span that allowed the Pounders to make the game all but respectable. Asked why he didn't backcheck in the last 90 seconds, Mark Hendricks provided this gem, "All I know is, I don't care what stage of the game it is or what's the score... I want to score. If Kraus had made the save I would have expected him to fire me a pass so I could net number 8. I'm aiming for a career high in goals."
For those of you keeping track at home, Mark now has 11 goals in his last two games. If he were to keep up that pace for a full 14 game season he would score... mad bitches.
ECON MEETING: MORE UPDATES LATER...MAYBE
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Score Sheet Littered Like Verizon Center Ice
Sunday night's marquee matchup between Mother Russia and The Power was an old fashioned shootout. From the drop of the puck the back and forth action rivaled that of a pong game on acid. A season-high total combined 15 goals were scored in that game, yet it is tough to blame any goalie or defense in this match. Quite frankly, the game consisted of two very potent offenses clicking on all cylinders trying to out duel the other.
Russia's offensive core consisted of Duhaime, Hand, Funk, and Hendricks. Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't cite the contributing efforts supplied by Lotocki (whose blistering slap shot from just inside center cracked SportsCenter's top ten under-appreciated sports plays) and Schram. Asked afterwards the technique to his slapshot, Lotocki said, "Well, I just shoot the puck as hard as I can. What the fuck else do you want?" He then proceeded to open a bottle of moonshine by biting down on the bottle and twisting it off. For the record, the bottle was not a twist-off.
Hand matched his career total in points netting a goal and three assists, scoring three of those points in a time frame of 93 seconds. Asked afterwards what it was like to rekindle his scoring touch Hand replied, "I'm hot hot hot!"
Funk continued his team-leading ways by adding two goals and two assists in the balanced attack. His posse of fans were gathered on the upper tier of the sportsplex sporting their mohawks and newly made T-shirts with the phrase "Funk Dat Shit".
Hendricks led the team in scoring this game with four goals and an assist. The prettiest goal of the game came when the forward sliced through defensemen and potted one farside before losing his balance and falling into the arms of Hand, who was celebrating. "He's so dreamy." Said Jessica Alba after attending her first ever Roller Hockey game, speaking of Hendricks. "Also I am quite wet."
Kraus played stellar in goal supplying gem after gem glove saves especially in the third period. "Let's go boys!" Was all the goalkeeper could keep shouting in the locker room afterwards.
Tony had another solid game on D, and continued joining the rush. "I'm feeling more and more comfortable out here." The rugged D-man said. "Schram has helped me a lot too."
"I have helped him a lot." The awkward Schram butted in. Sure you have buddy, sure you have.
Tonight the Red Army faces off with LLUA. If the offense shows up again tonight, the LLUA might be better suited changing their name to PWNED.
Russia's offensive core consisted of Duhaime, Hand, Funk, and Hendricks. Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't cite the contributing efforts supplied by Lotocki (whose blistering slap shot from just inside center cracked SportsCenter's top ten under-appreciated sports plays) and Schram. Asked afterwards the technique to his slapshot, Lotocki said, "Well, I just shoot the puck as hard as I can. What the fuck else do you want?" He then proceeded to open a bottle of moonshine by biting down on the bottle and twisting it off. For the record, the bottle was not a twist-off.
Hand matched his career total in points netting a goal and three assists, scoring three of those points in a time frame of 93 seconds. Asked afterwards what it was like to rekindle his scoring touch Hand replied, "I'm hot hot hot!"
Funk continued his team-leading ways by adding two goals and two assists in the balanced attack. His posse of fans were gathered on the upper tier of the sportsplex sporting their mohawks and newly made T-shirts with the phrase "Funk Dat Shit".
Hendricks led the team in scoring this game with four goals and an assist. The prettiest goal of the game came when the forward sliced through defensemen and potted one farside before losing his balance and falling into the arms of Hand, who was celebrating. "He's so dreamy." Said Jessica Alba after attending her first ever Roller Hockey game, speaking of Hendricks. "Also I am quite wet."
Kraus played stellar in goal supplying gem after gem glove saves especially in the third period. "Let's go boys!" Was all the goalkeeper could keep shouting in the locker room afterwards.
Tony had another solid game on D, and continued joining the rush. "I'm feeling more and more comfortable out here." The rugged D-man said. "Schram has helped me a lot too."
"I have helped him a lot." The awkward Schram butted in. Sure you have buddy, sure you have.
Tonight the Red Army faces off with LLUA. If the offense shows up again tonight, the LLUA might be better suited changing their name to PWNED.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The Band is Getting Back Together
That's right folks. Tonight's Red Army lineup will bear a striking resemblence to the squad of old. Lacing up the skates tonight for the first time in months, fan favorite Mark Hendricks will face off with Mother Russia against the Indy's. Mark will join his brother Peter, who resigned with the team last week after opting out of his spanish class. As the age-old adage goes, "Once you go Russian, you never go back to spanish class." Now lets see if they can provide some offense and get a good game from their gOLE!
Speaking of offense, the Red Army is averaging just under 4.5 goals a game. Defensively they are allowing on average about 6 goals a game. With Mark back in the lineup, we can expect both of these numbers to increase.
Contrary to last season, the Red Army has won this year. They currently rank 5th in their division with a record of 3-3-2. The Indy's, who won the only matchup this season by nine goals, are 3rd with a 5-3 record. Tonight mother russia looks to close that gap and inch closer to home rubber advantage.
UPDATE:
I just got in touch with Steve Hand who said he is really excited about tonight. "I am really excited about tonight." The forward went on to say.
Andy Schram called me this afternoon to talk about something, but my phone was low on batteries and I was going through a tunnel.
Speaking of offense, the Red Army is averaging just under 4.5 goals a game. Defensively they are allowing on average about 6 goals a game. With Mark back in the lineup, we can expect both of these numbers to increase.
Contrary to last season, the Red Army has won this year. They currently rank 5th in their division with a record of 3-3-2. The Indy's, who won the only matchup this season by nine goals, are 3rd with a 5-3 record. Tonight mother russia looks to close that gap and inch closer to home rubber advantage.
UPDATE:
I just got in touch with Steve Hand who said he is really excited about tonight. "I am really excited about tonight." The forward went on to say.
Andy Schram called me this afternoon to talk about something, but my phone was low on batteries and I was going through a tunnel.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Morning Skate Scheduled Tomorrow
The Red Army will be practicing tomorrow at Trailside in preparation for Thursday's marquee match-up against the Cryptic Stench. The Red Army, coming off an impressive victory against the Mad Dads, will be visited tomorrow by a few old friends from seasons past: Mark Hendricks and Jamie Simek. Simek, who opted out of his 5 year contract to play soccer in Europe, is excited to lace 'em up again. "Ahhhhhh duuuuuude!" An anxious Simek exclaimed while waving his hands in an unsure, shaky motion.
Hendricks, always more collective and asshole-ish, had this to say. "Let's face it, it's silver division... they got a win. BFD... Look, I hear the talk... I read the reports. Yeah people are excited that they've accumulated more wins than we had all of last year and it's been one game. But it was the Mad Dads. I mean for fucks sake. Come on, I am the Red Army! I invented the curl and drag! Anyone?" The clearly bitter winger still has roots to the Red Army, and could start a few games this season if he gets dropped by his team in the Polish Semi-Elite League, the Warsaw Wombats. Hendricks stats are way down this year, amassing only 4 goals and 0 assists in 23 games thus far. "No one speaks my fucking language, how the hell do you say pass in Polish? I don't know what Hitler saw in that shithole."
For now, it appears the two old comrades will practice tomorrow morning with their old team. Asked if he was excited about combining forces with his old mates again, captain Steve Hand offered these words. "I still talk to both of them occasionally. It'll be nice to share a bench again. I just hope they know I don't want them staying around too long... after all... losing is contagious."
Sophomore Andy Schram was more excited. "Yeah I think it'll be great. I'm really looking forward to-"... eh, he basically just rambled on for a few minutes about how he likes playing on the same line as Mark. Nothing too good ever comes out of that guy's mouth. Honestly, worse interviewee than Kris Beech.
So that's it. I'll update if any news breaks.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been fined the sum of $10,000 zloties by the Polish Semi-Elite League for his remarks on the European nation's state of affairs.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been fined $5,000 more zloties by the Polish Semi-Elite League for making the check of $10,000 zloties payable to "PoLAND OF FAGS"
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been dropped by the Warsaw Wombats after his string of run ins with the press and otherwise unfortunate season.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been picked up by the Oslo Trolls, a team in the Scandinavian Shooter League.
UPDATE: The Scandinavian Shooter League has absorbed the Polish Semi-Elite League, which now means that the Oslo Trolls and Warsaw Wombats are in the same league, same conference at well.
UPDATE: Steve Hand complained of back spasms, but says he will skate tomorrow nonetheless.
Hendricks, always more collective and asshole-ish, had this to say. "Let's face it, it's silver division... they got a win. BFD... Look, I hear the talk... I read the reports. Yeah people are excited that they've accumulated more wins than we had all of last year and it's been one game. But it was the Mad Dads. I mean for fucks sake. Come on, I am the Red Army! I invented the curl and drag! Anyone?" The clearly bitter winger still has roots to the Red Army, and could start a few games this season if he gets dropped by his team in the Polish Semi-Elite League, the Warsaw Wombats. Hendricks stats are way down this year, amassing only 4 goals and 0 assists in 23 games thus far. "No one speaks my fucking language, how the hell do you say pass in Polish? I don't know what Hitler saw in that shithole."
For now, it appears the two old comrades will practice tomorrow morning with their old team. Asked if he was excited about combining forces with his old mates again, captain Steve Hand offered these words. "I still talk to both of them occasionally. It'll be nice to share a bench again. I just hope they know I don't want them staying around too long... after all... losing is contagious."
Sophomore Andy Schram was more excited. "Yeah I think it'll be great. I'm really looking forward to-"... eh, he basically just rambled on for a few minutes about how he likes playing on the same line as Mark. Nothing too good ever comes out of that guy's mouth. Honestly, worse interviewee than Kris Beech.
So that's it. I'll update if any news breaks.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been fined the sum of $10,000 zloties by the Polish Semi-Elite League for his remarks on the European nation's state of affairs.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been fined $5,000 more zloties by the Polish Semi-Elite League for making the check of $10,000 zloties payable to "PoLAND OF FAGS"
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been dropped by the Warsaw Wombats after his string of run ins with the press and otherwise unfortunate season.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been picked up by the Oslo Trolls, a team in the Scandinavian Shooter League.
UPDATE: The Scandinavian Shooter League has absorbed the Polish Semi-Elite League, which now means that the Oslo Trolls and Warsaw Wombats are in the same league, same conference at well.
UPDATE: Steve Hand complained of back spasms, but says he will skate tomorrow nonetheless.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Drought Over!
The Red Army won tonight, I repeat, the Red Army won tonight. Tonight's win snapped a losing streak that spanned over two seasons, two seasons that many fans have tried to forget. "Yeah I've been trying to forget the past couple years of Mother Russia hockey." Longtime fan Harold Ramuk said. "The alcohol has definitely helped, in fact for a week there I'm pretty sure I forgot I was married."
The win itself was a thing of beauty. A 4-2 victory over the Mad Dads, with all four goals being supplied by Jerrod Funk. The stable defenseman who seldom sees time on offense, was given the full game to roam on the attack. By denting the twine four times, he joined Mark Hendricks as the only other Comrade to net four goals in a season opener. "Four goals is no mean feat." An excited Funk said after the game. "Four is nice, but five would have been better. No wait, six would have been better... the best!"
Asked about his first game, rookie Tony Horton expressed what much of the public was already thinking "I'm glad we got to play old men." Old men or not, the angry fathers proved to be no match for Mother Russia. Which in itself, answers the age old question of who wears the pants in that relationship.
As usual, third year player Steve Hand was talkative afterwards. "I thought we played great. Jerrod was on fire, Spitz was solid, and we played great as a unit. Would have been nice to get one but it'll come. One thing is for sure, the Red Army won. And I plan on raising those XL shirts this May. This team has great defense, it has great heart, it has a potent offense, and most importantly... I have a raging boner."
What's up next for the Red Army? After tonight's dismantling of the irate papas the communists play host to Cryptic Stench. Undoubtedly a far more formidable foe than the rage filled pops, the stench will be a true test to this team's tenacity. Practice tomorrow was cancelled by Hand (who has relinquished Hendricks as captain) so that the players can attend a parade where they will be honored for winning. All that is left to say for now is... it felt good to write a post-game story about a victory.
"Don't you want to interview me?" A sheepish Schram asked reporters afterwards. "Nah we're good man, we're good."
"Eight would be splendid!" Funk exclaimed. Splendid indeed Mr. Funk... splendid indeed.
The win itself was a thing of beauty. A 4-2 victory over the Mad Dads, with all four goals being supplied by Jerrod Funk. The stable defenseman who seldom sees time on offense, was given the full game to roam on the attack. By denting the twine four times, he joined Mark Hendricks as the only other Comrade to net four goals in a season opener. "Four goals is no mean feat." An excited Funk said after the game. "Four is nice, but five would have been better. No wait, six would have been better... the best!"
Asked about his first game, rookie Tony Horton expressed what much of the public was already thinking "I'm glad we got to play old men." Old men or not, the angry fathers proved to be no match for Mother Russia. Which in itself, answers the age old question of who wears the pants in that relationship.
As usual, third year player Steve Hand was talkative afterwards. "I thought we played great. Jerrod was on fire, Spitz was solid, and we played great as a unit. Would have been nice to get one but it'll come. One thing is for sure, the Red Army won. And I plan on raising those XL shirts this May. This team has great defense, it has great heart, it has a potent offense, and most importantly... I have a raging boner."
What's up next for the Red Army? After tonight's dismantling of the irate papas the communists play host to Cryptic Stench. Undoubtedly a far more formidable foe than the rage filled pops, the stench will be a true test to this team's tenacity. Practice tomorrow was cancelled by Hand (who has relinquished Hendricks as captain) so that the players can attend a parade where they will be honored for winning. All that is left to say for now is... it felt good to write a post-game story about a victory.
"Don't you want to interview me?" A sheepish Schram asked reporters afterwards. "Nah we're good man, we're good."
"Eight would be splendid!" Funk exclaimed. Splendid indeed Mr. Funk... splendid indeed.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
TRADE DEADLINE, ROLLER HOCKEY STYLE
Much like the NHL, the DSPMARHL (Dulles SportsPlex Men's Adult Roller Hockey League) also has a trade deadline. The two leagues not only share the caliber of play, but also the date for the deadline: 2/26. The biggest rumor thus far in the DSPMARHL involves the Red Army. Bona fide super-deluxe-star Mark Hendricks is expected to be traded to make cap room for younger players, including Andy, Steve, and Tony. Hendricks has reportedly received offers from SERHL (Swedish Elite Roller Hockey League), RSRHL (Russian Super Roller Hockey League, and the less popular PPECRRHFPSAEHGL (Polish Pseudo-Elite Co-Rec Roller Hockey Free Polish Sausages After Every Home Game League). While it is unclear where he will land, sources indicate he is expected to receive anywhere in the range of $18 million per year to 11 zlotys (polish currency, I googled it) per assist.
While he will be missed, the Red Army already looks poised to have a better season than this past one. Steve Hand will take over the captaincy and the team will play this season in silver, two moves many of the players thought were long overdue. "I'm looking forward to taking this team in the right direction. I've prepared some motivational speeches to address the team after games. I have one great speech that I took from the movie "A Bug's Life"... I just hope one game we have to protect our lead against some grasshoppers so it makes sense.."
That's it for now. I'm off to eat brunch with a hotty.
While he will be missed, the Red Army already looks poised to have a better season than this past one. Steve Hand will take over the captaincy and the team will play this season in silver, two moves many of the players thought were long overdue. "I'm looking forward to taking this team in the right direction. I've prepared some motivational speeches to address the team after games. I have one great speech that I took from the movie "A Bug's Life"... I just hope one game we have to protect our lead against some grasshoppers so it makes sense.."
That's it for now. I'm off to eat brunch with a hotty.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
End of a Season... or Start of Something Great? You Decide America... Text "WIN" to 8839 if you think...
This entry will be short... as I will be leaving for the rink in 2 minutes. Season finale tonight... let's hope afterwards I can make the joke... "We won... finale" Get it? Finale, like finally. Later
UPDATE: We lost. You can expect an update before tomorrow's playoff game. Fun fact: Today's odds in the New York Post was 3000 to 1 for the Red Army upsetting the Maple Leafs first round. And if there is one thing statistics have taught me, it's been that... wait... hmmm... actually I failed that course twice so lets just focus on something a little more prevalent. Like, how in the movie Mulan no one thought she could fight for the imperial army. But you know what, she proved herself. Yeah she was banished from the army after her gender was revealed and yeah the majority of the work she accomplished was actually the cunning work of her sidekicks, but one thing remained constant: she was Asian. In summation, as the proverb goes: if Richard Park can do it, so can you!
UPDATE: We lost. You can expect an update before tomorrow's playoff game. Fun fact: Today's odds in the New York Post was 3000 to 1 for the Red Army upsetting the Maple Leafs first round. And if there is one thing statistics have taught me, it's been that... wait... hmmm... actually I failed that course twice so lets just focus on something a little more prevalent. Like, how in the movie Mulan no one thought she could fight for the imperial army. But you know what, she proved herself. Yeah she was banished from the army after her gender was revealed and yeah the majority of the work she accomplished was actually the cunning work of her sidekicks, but one thing remained constant: she was Asian. In summation, as the proverb goes: if Richard Park can do it, so can you!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Red (Almost) Scare: Another Rally Had #1 Seed Shaking, Slashing
The stage was set for a blowout. The last meeting of the two teams ended in a 18-4 trouncing in favor of the Blue and White. Not much had changed in the standings since then. The Leafs mounted on victories while the Red Sweatered boys continued the tailspin. Embarrassment seemed inevitable, and why not? A shaky last place team with zero victories hosting a first place team on a tear is likely to draw as many viewers as the season finale of "Gilmore Girls". But as the puck was dropped and play picked up, the one consistency of Mother Russia's trying year came to the forefront: a comeback was never out of the question.
The Leafs struck first, and second... and fourth, fifth, and sixth. The lone Russian tally came from rookie Andy Schram who jammed home a rebound following an offensive zone faceoff. His second goal in as many games breathed life into the lungs of his comrades, albeit for a few moments. Mark Hendricks was able to notch one shortly after a Leaf goal, collecting a pass from brother Peter and firing a low shot glove side. Moments later as the period came to a close, Mark had another chance to score when the opposing goalie was forced to play the puck after covering it outside of his crease. Mark, unable to maintain his balance collided with teammate Chris Duhaime (whose cousin Eric made his season debut. Eric was named to the all-star team following the game) and fired the puck wide of the net. The second period featured another early goal by the Maple Leafs, increasing their advantage to four. It would be their last goal of the stanza. The Red Army was just beginning. Schram again chipped in with the scoring, feeding Eric Duhaime who fired the puck high over the glove to bring the Red Army within three. Seconds later, on a delayed penalty call, Mark battled along the boards with two leafs and found Peter in the slot, who fired a dandy of a wrister that hit three posts before finding the back of the twine. With just over two minutes to go in the period, Chris Duhaime found the back of the net on a long rebound. Sensing total collapse, the Maple Leafs began picking up their physical play. Perhaps a bit too much, before long the Red Army was on the power play, a unit that has proven to be lethal. But it was to no avail, no more than halfway into the infraction Mark and a Maple Leaf were called for roughing. A marginal call, as the replay shows Mark waving his arms for the call deliberately not retaliating. The extra man went to waste and Mark went to the box. The horn sounded, fifteen minutes were put on the clock, and the puck was dropped.
They had chances. They had breakaways, two on ones, and a three on one. But that sixth goal would come too late. After back and forth action for over eight minutes, the Maple Leafs struck five times in five minutes. Again the Red Army would do as it always does, and battle back. Chris netted another goal on a pretty give and go with Mark and Mark himself tallied as time expired on a broken down play. The final score was 11-7. The bad blood still boils and it appears very likely that a first round matchup is at hand. Could the Red Army pull off the upset? Not likely, but after tonight no one can say that they wouldn't have a chance. In fact, Mother Russia was without its starting goalie Alex and top D-man Jerrod. Could those two account for four less goals for the Maple Leafs? There is some sour news to report on the injury front tonight to. Leading goal scorer Mark Hendricks reaggravated a knee injury on the play late in the first where he collided with teammate Chris and the opposing goaltender. Mark was seen limping around his house with nachos and salsa after the game.
Some quotes from last night's game:
"Yeah I would have hit him back if I knew I was already going for roughing. I mean he was wearing a Hartford Whalers jersey... he was begging for a bruising. He'll probably laugh about it and say he kicked my ass before he goes and gobbles down six miles of cock tonight."
- The vocal Mark Hendricks from the penalty box on his penalty and extra curricular activities that ensued.
"Maple Leafs? Maples Leafs? Isn't the plural of leafs, leaves? Idiots...."
-Steve Hand before the game.
"Go get the puck!"
-Matt Kraus, backup goaltender notorious for firing the puck down the rink after being scored on.
"Two goals in two games... that's gotta be a record!"
-Andy Schram after the game about his recent surge in scoring. The rookie record is goals in 198,387 straight games set by teammate Bryan Lynch who played in a season over in Fiji, where nets are as big as soccer nets and the season is one million games long.
The Leafs struck first, and second... and fourth, fifth, and sixth. The lone Russian tally came from rookie Andy Schram who jammed home a rebound following an offensive zone faceoff. His second goal in as many games breathed life into the lungs of his comrades, albeit for a few moments. Mark Hendricks was able to notch one shortly after a Leaf goal, collecting a pass from brother Peter and firing a low shot glove side. Moments later as the period came to a close, Mark had another chance to score when the opposing goalie was forced to play the puck after covering it outside of his crease. Mark, unable to maintain his balance collided with teammate Chris Duhaime (whose cousin Eric made his season debut. Eric was named to the all-star team following the game) and fired the puck wide of the net. The second period featured another early goal by the Maple Leafs, increasing their advantage to four. It would be their last goal of the stanza. The Red Army was just beginning. Schram again chipped in with the scoring, feeding Eric Duhaime who fired the puck high over the glove to bring the Red Army within three. Seconds later, on a delayed penalty call, Mark battled along the boards with two leafs and found Peter in the slot, who fired a dandy of a wrister that hit three posts before finding the back of the twine. With just over two minutes to go in the period, Chris Duhaime found the back of the net on a long rebound. Sensing total collapse, the Maple Leafs began picking up their physical play. Perhaps a bit too much, before long the Red Army was on the power play, a unit that has proven to be lethal. But it was to no avail, no more than halfway into the infraction Mark and a Maple Leaf were called for roughing. A marginal call, as the replay shows Mark waving his arms for the call deliberately not retaliating. The extra man went to waste and Mark went to the box. The horn sounded, fifteen minutes were put on the clock, and the puck was dropped.
They had chances. They had breakaways, two on ones, and a three on one. But that sixth goal would come too late. After back and forth action for over eight minutes, the Maple Leafs struck five times in five minutes. Again the Red Army would do as it always does, and battle back. Chris netted another goal on a pretty give and go with Mark and Mark himself tallied as time expired on a broken down play. The final score was 11-7. The bad blood still boils and it appears very likely that a first round matchup is at hand. Could the Red Army pull off the upset? Not likely, but after tonight no one can say that they wouldn't have a chance. In fact, Mother Russia was without its starting goalie Alex and top D-man Jerrod. Could those two account for four less goals for the Maple Leafs? There is some sour news to report on the injury front tonight to. Leading goal scorer Mark Hendricks reaggravated a knee injury on the play late in the first where he collided with teammate Chris and the opposing goaltender. Mark was seen limping around his house with nachos and salsa after the game.
Some quotes from last night's game:
"Yeah I would have hit him back if I knew I was already going for roughing. I mean he was wearing a Hartford Whalers jersey... he was begging for a bruising. He'll probably laugh about it and say he kicked my ass before he goes and gobbles down six miles of cock tonight."
- The vocal Mark Hendricks from the penalty box on his penalty and extra curricular activities that ensued.
"Maple Leafs? Maples Leafs? Isn't the plural of leafs, leaves? Idiots...."
-Steve Hand before the game.
"Go get the puck!"
-Matt Kraus, backup goaltender notorious for firing the puck down the rink after being scored on.
"Two goals in two games... that's gotta be a record!"
-Andy Schram after the game about his recent surge in scoring. The rookie record is goals in 198,387 straight games set by teammate Bryan Lynch who played in a season over in Fiji, where nets are as big as soccer nets and the season is one million games long.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)