This entry will be short... as I will be leaving for the rink in 2 minutes. Season finale tonight... let's hope afterwards I can make the joke... "We won... finale" Get it? Finale, like finally. Later
UPDATE: We lost. You can expect an update before tomorrow's playoff game. Fun fact: Today's odds in the New York Post was 3000 to 1 for the Red Army upsetting the Maple Leafs first round. And if there is one thing statistics have taught me, it's been that... wait... hmmm... actually I failed that course twice so lets just focus on something a little more prevalent. Like, how in the movie Mulan no one thought she could fight for the imperial army. But you know what, she proved herself. Yeah she was banished from the army after her gender was revealed and yeah the majority of the work she accomplished was actually the cunning work of her sidekicks, but one thing remained constant: she was Asian. In summation, as the proverb goes: if Richard Park can do it, so can you!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Red (Almost) Scare: Another Rally Had #1 Seed Shaking, Slashing
The stage was set for a blowout. The last meeting of the two teams ended in a 18-4 trouncing in favor of the Blue and White. Not much had changed in the standings since then. The Leafs mounted on victories while the Red Sweatered boys continued the tailspin. Embarrassment seemed inevitable, and why not? A shaky last place team with zero victories hosting a first place team on a tear is likely to draw as many viewers as the season finale of "Gilmore Girls". But as the puck was dropped and play picked up, the one consistency of Mother Russia's trying year came to the forefront: a comeback was never out of the question.
The Leafs struck first, and second... and fourth, fifth, and sixth. The lone Russian tally came from rookie Andy Schram who jammed home a rebound following an offensive zone faceoff. His second goal in as many games breathed life into the lungs of his comrades, albeit for a few moments. Mark Hendricks was able to notch one shortly after a Leaf goal, collecting a pass from brother Peter and firing a low shot glove side. Moments later as the period came to a close, Mark had another chance to score when the opposing goalie was forced to play the puck after covering it outside of his crease. Mark, unable to maintain his balance collided with teammate Chris Duhaime (whose cousin Eric made his season debut. Eric was named to the all-star team following the game) and fired the puck wide of the net. The second period featured another early goal by the Maple Leafs, increasing their advantage to four. It would be their last goal of the stanza. The Red Army was just beginning. Schram again chipped in with the scoring, feeding Eric Duhaime who fired the puck high over the glove to bring the Red Army within three. Seconds later, on a delayed penalty call, Mark battled along the boards with two leafs and found Peter in the slot, who fired a dandy of a wrister that hit three posts before finding the back of the twine. With just over two minutes to go in the period, Chris Duhaime found the back of the net on a long rebound. Sensing total collapse, the Maple Leafs began picking up their physical play. Perhaps a bit too much, before long the Red Army was on the power play, a unit that has proven to be lethal. But it was to no avail, no more than halfway into the infraction Mark and a Maple Leaf were called for roughing. A marginal call, as the replay shows Mark waving his arms for the call deliberately not retaliating. The extra man went to waste and Mark went to the box. The horn sounded, fifteen minutes were put on the clock, and the puck was dropped.
They had chances. They had breakaways, two on ones, and a three on one. But that sixth goal would come too late. After back and forth action for over eight minutes, the Maple Leafs struck five times in five minutes. Again the Red Army would do as it always does, and battle back. Chris netted another goal on a pretty give and go with Mark and Mark himself tallied as time expired on a broken down play. The final score was 11-7. The bad blood still boils and it appears very likely that a first round matchup is at hand. Could the Red Army pull off the upset? Not likely, but after tonight no one can say that they wouldn't have a chance. In fact, Mother Russia was without its starting goalie Alex and top D-man Jerrod. Could those two account for four less goals for the Maple Leafs? There is some sour news to report on the injury front tonight to. Leading goal scorer Mark Hendricks reaggravated a knee injury on the play late in the first where he collided with teammate Chris and the opposing goaltender. Mark was seen limping around his house with nachos and salsa after the game.
Some quotes from last night's game:
"Yeah I would have hit him back if I knew I was already going for roughing. I mean he was wearing a Hartford Whalers jersey... he was begging for a bruising. He'll probably laugh about it and say he kicked my ass before he goes and gobbles down six miles of cock tonight."
- The vocal Mark Hendricks from the penalty box on his penalty and extra curricular activities that ensued.
"Maple Leafs? Maples Leafs? Isn't the plural of leafs, leaves? Idiots...."
-Steve Hand before the game.
"Go get the puck!"
-Matt Kraus, backup goaltender notorious for firing the puck down the rink after being scored on.
"Two goals in two games... that's gotta be a record!"
-Andy Schram after the game about his recent surge in scoring. The rookie record is goals in 198,387 straight games set by teammate Bryan Lynch who played in a season over in Fiji, where nets are as big as soccer nets and the season is one million games long.
The Leafs struck first, and second... and fourth, fifth, and sixth. The lone Russian tally came from rookie Andy Schram who jammed home a rebound following an offensive zone faceoff. His second goal in as many games breathed life into the lungs of his comrades, albeit for a few moments. Mark Hendricks was able to notch one shortly after a Leaf goal, collecting a pass from brother Peter and firing a low shot glove side. Moments later as the period came to a close, Mark had another chance to score when the opposing goalie was forced to play the puck after covering it outside of his crease. Mark, unable to maintain his balance collided with teammate Chris Duhaime (whose cousin Eric made his season debut. Eric was named to the all-star team following the game) and fired the puck wide of the net. The second period featured another early goal by the Maple Leafs, increasing their advantage to four. It would be their last goal of the stanza. The Red Army was just beginning. Schram again chipped in with the scoring, feeding Eric Duhaime who fired the puck high over the glove to bring the Red Army within three. Seconds later, on a delayed penalty call, Mark battled along the boards with two leafs and found Peter in the slot, who fired a dandy of a wrister that hit three posts before finding the back of the twine. With just over two minutes to go in the period, Chris Duhaime found the back of the net on a long rebound. Sensing total collapse, the Maple Leafs began picking up their physical play. Perhaps a bit too much, before long the Red Army was on the power play, a unit that has proven to be lethal. But it was to no avail, no more than halfway into the infraction Mark and a Maple Leaf were called for roughing. A marginal call, as the replay shows Mark waving his arms for the call deliberately not retaliating. The extra man went to waste and Mark went to the box. The horn sounded, fifteen minutes were put on the clock, and the puck was dropped.
They had chances. They had breakaways, two on ones, and a three on one. But that sixth goal would come too late. After back and forth action for over eight minutes, the Maple Leafs struck five times in five minutes. Again the Red Army would do as it always does, and battle back. Chris netted another goal on a pretty give and go with Mark and Mark himself tallied as time expired on a broken down play. The final score was 11-7. The bad blood still boils and it appears very likely that a first round matchup is at hand. Could the Red Army pull off the upset? Not likely, but after tonight no one can say that they wouldn't have a chance. In fact, Mother Russia was without its starting goalie Alex and top D-man Jerrod. Could those two account for four less goals for the Maple Leafs? There is some sour news to report on the injury front tonight to. Leading goal scorer Mark Hendricks reaggravated a knee injury on the play late in the first where he collided with teammate Chris and the opposing goaltender. Mark was seen limping around his house with nachos and salsa after the game.
Some quotes from last night's game:
"Yeah I would have hit him back if I knew I was already going for roughing. I mean he was wearing a Hartford Whalers jersey... he was begging for a bruising. He'll probably laugh about it and say he kicked my ass before he goes and gobbles down six miles of cock tonight."
- The vocal Mark Hendricks from the penalty box on his penalty and extra curricular activities that ensued.
"Maple Leafs? Maples Leafs? Isn't the plural of leafs, leaves? Idiots...."
-Steve Hand before the game.
"Go get the puck!"
-Matt Kraus, backup goaltender notorious for firing the puck down the rink after being scored on.
"Two goals in two games... that's gotta be a record!"
-Andy Schram after the game about his recent surge in scoring. The rookie record is goals in 198,387 straight games set by teammate Bryan Lynch who played in a season over in Fiji, where nets are as big as soccer nets and the season is one million games long.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Note To Gold Division: We've Been Hustlin' Ya
Ha! Did you really think we would fold so easily?!? We've lulled you into a false sense of security. You probably look at the schedule and see "Red Army" thinking it will be an easy win, oh how you have been misguided. When the time is right the Red Army will awaken, and that time is hopefully soon.
Never in the history of mankind has there been such an opportunity for a Cinderella story such as this. Cinderella herself would surrender her name if she could only comprehend the epic proportions of this late season rally that is before us. Just as the poles are are long overdue for shifting, the Red Army is long overdue for a win, or four.
Teams may scoff at the poor attendance of the players, or the lackadaisical play at times... but the joke is on them, because who scoffs or uses the word lackadaisical... gays do. Wikipedia it.
So consider yourself warned Gold Division, next time you play us you may beat us... but you're only fueling the fire of a great comeback story. Unless you beat us in the playoffs... in which case if it was a Disney movie you probably cheated and we'll still get custody of the dog.
Never in the history of mankind has there been such an opportunity for a Cinderella story such as this. Cinderella herself would surrender her name if she could only comprehend the epic proportions of this late season rally that is before us. Just as the poles are are long overdue for shifting, the Red Army is long overdue for a win, or four.
Teams may scoff at the poor attendance of the players, or the lackadaisical play at times... but the joke is on them, because who scoffs or uses the word lackadaisical... gays do. Wikipedia it.
So consider yourself warned Gold Division, next time you play us you may beat us... but you're only fueling the fire of a great comeback story. Unless you beat us in the playoffs... in which case if it was a Disney movie you probably cheated and we'll still get custody of the dog.
We Earned That Forfeit!
0-10-1?!?! What the hell!?! We earned those two points... we showed up on time to the game, we had our game-faces on, and we scrimmaged out hearts out. That is the final straw. You can only kick a dog so many times before it takes a piss on your new sofa. Well... this dog plans on being over-hydrated for the next game... nahhh mean?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Red Army Engages in Battle
The Red Army suits up tonight with a chance to leap-frog a spot in the standings. The team they will be looking to pass happens to be the team they are playing: Cryptic Stench. The two teams share a combined total of two wins, one a piece (each by way of forfeit). The Stench are one point ahead in the Gold Division standings because of their recent tie against Short Bus Boys. Coming off strong performances, all in losses, the past two weeks the Red Army is desperately seeking a tally in the win column. It will not come easily though. Starting goaltender Alex Spitzel will not be tending the twine tonight due to a conflict in schedules. Back-up goaltender Matt Kraus has yet to respond to text messages. More to come on this heightening situation later.
The offensive front remains much the same with Mark Hendricks leading the attack aided by a supporting cast of Hand, Schram, and Duhaime. Peter Hendricks (who last night proposed to long time fan Alene... she said yes) also has been seeing increasing minutes on offense and in turn has been producing. He started the scoring for Red Army last game with a wrist shot from atop the circle that eluded the goaltender.
The defense, when present, can be a shut-down unit. The problem with Mother Russia's defense though is that its overall attendance is worse than nightlife in Rhode Island. Simek, Funk, Lotocki, and Lynch have lost 204,392 man games just this season. While the math doesn't make sense, this does: Russia needs its comrades. Simek has emerged as a top 2 defenseman the past few games, shutting down opposing forwards. If he can find a way to unleash his slapshot (clocked at 203 mph) he could be a double threat.
That's it for now. More to come on the goalie situation later and perhaps a few pre-game quotes.
The offensive front remains much the same with Mark Hendricks leading the attack aided by a supporting cast of Hand, Schram, and Duhaime. Peter Hendricks (who last night proposed to long time fan Alene... she said yes) also has been seeing increasing minutes on offense and in turn has been producing. He started the scoring for Red Army last game with a wrist shot from atop the circle that eluded the goaltender.
The defense, when present, can be a shut-down unit. The problem with Mother Russia's defense though is that its overall attendance is worse than nightlife in Rhode Island. Simek, Funk, Lotocki, and Lynch have lost 204,392 man games just this season. While the math doesn't make sense, this does: Russia needs its comrades. Simek has emerged as a top 2 defenseman the past few games, shutting down opposing forwards. If he can find a way to unleash his slapshot (clocked at 203 mph) he could be a double threat.
That's it for now. More to come on the goalie situation later and perhaps a few pre-game quotes.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Wake Up Call
There's no way to sugar-coat it, this season for the Red Army has been less than ideal. In fact, many have referred to the effort thus far as "sucky", "disheartening", "terrible", and even "I can shit better offense than this"... but all of those remarks must take a backseat tonight at 6. With only six games remaining, it is imperative that the team begins to earns points if they want to avoid a first round playoff game vs Old School or the heated rivals Maple Leafs (aka total douches). Past efforts have shown glimpses of great potential. While the 9-6 loss to Old School left no one with their head down, some players were getting tired of losing. After the loss Peter Hendricks told reporters, "Yeah it's a great effort and yeah we were up after the first... but at what point do you stop taking away positives away from losses and start saying... you know what we should have won tonight and we didn't." His younger brother (who is tripling him in points) had this to say, "I don't ever want to lose again. I hate this feeling. I don't wanna lose in hockey, I don't wanna lose in connect 4, I don't wanna lose in hopscotch, man... I don't even wanna lose in war, that card game that requires no skill at all, I don't even wanna lose in that."
Tonight when the puck is dropped against Stop Staring at My Chest, we'll see if the Red Army can begin the arduous climb up the standings, or if it will be another game that leaves people wondering just what they could produce from their hindquarters that would be better than Mother Russia's hockey.
UPDATE:
The starting lineup could be interesting today. Players Hand, M. Hendricks, P. Hendricks, Schram, Duhaime, Lotocki, Spitzel are all definite. Missing are Sorbal and Simek. Questionable are Funk and Lynch. Look for younger brother of Mark and Peter, Brian (aka Beege) to earn some playing time tonight and older brother Peter to play on offense. Possible line combinations:
Hand/M. Hendricks/Duhaime
Schram/P. Hendricks/(Funk/Lynch/Beege)
Lotocki
(Funk/Lynch/Beege)
I don't know about you, but that first line could prove to be lethal.
Fun Fact: The power play in the last 2 games is 4/6. A power play of M. Hendricks/P. Hendricks/Duhaime/Lotocki is too much firepower to contain. In the upcoming games expect Funk, Simek, or Hand to get some power play minutes to spread out the attack.
Tonight when the puck is dropped against Stop Staring at My Chest, we'll see if the Red Army can begin the arduous climb up the standings, or if it will be another game that leaves people wondering just what they could produce from their hindquarters that would be better than Mother Russia's hockey.
UPDATE:
The starting lineup could be interesting today. Players Hand, M. Hendricks, P. Hendricks, Schram, Duhaime, Lotocki, Spitzel are all definite. Missing are Sorbal and Simek. Questionable are Funk and Lynch. Look for younger brother of Mark and Peter, Brian (aka Beege) to earn some playing time tonight and older brother Peter to play on offense. Possible line combinations:
Hand/M. Hendricks/Duhaime
Schram/P. Hendricks/(Funk/Lynch/Beege)
Lotocki
(Funk/Lynch/Beege)
I don't know about you, but that first line could prove to be lethal.
Fun Fact: The power play in the last 2 games is 4/6. A power play of M. Hendricks/P. Hendricks/Duhaime/Lotocki is too much firepower to contain. In the upcoming games expect Funk, Simek, or Hand to get some power play minutes to spread out the attack.
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