The Red Army will be practicing tomorrow at Trailside in preparation for Thursday's marquee match-up against the Cryptic Stench. The Red Army, coming off an impressive victory against the Mad Dads, will be visited tomorrow by a few old friends from seasons past: Mark Hendricks and Jamie Simek. Simek, who opted out of his 5 year contract to play soccer in Europe, is excited to lace 'em up again. "Ahhhhhh duuuuuude!" An anxious Simek exclaimed while waving his hands in an unsure, shaky motion.
Hendricks, always more collective and asshole-ish, had this to say. "Let's face it, it's silver division... they got a win. BFD... Look, I hear the talk... I read the reports. Yeah people are excited that they've accumulated more wins than we had all of last year and it's been one game. But it was the Mad Dads. I mean for fucks sake. Come on, I am the Red Army! I invented the curl and drag! Anyone?" The clearly bitter winger still has roots to the Red Army, and could start a few games this season if he gets dropped by his team in the Polish Semi-Elite League, the Warsaw Wombats. Hendricks stats are way down this year, amassing only 4 goals and 0 assists in 23 games thus far. "No one speaks my fucking language, how the hell do you say pass in Polish? I don't know what Hitler saw in that shithole."
For now, it appears the two old comrades will practice tomorrow morning with their old team. Asked if he was excited about combining forces with his old mates again, captain Steve Hand offered these words. "I still talk to both of them occasionally. It'll be nice to share a bench again. I just hope they know I don't want them staying around too long... after all... losing is contagious."
Sophomore Andy Schram was more excited. "Yeah I think it'll be great. I'm really looking forward to-"... eh, he basically just rambled on for a few minutes about how he likes playing on the same line as Mark. Nothing too good ever comes out of that guy's mouth. Honestly, worse interviewee than Kris Beech.
So that's it. I'll update if any news breaks.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been fined the sum of $10,000 zloties by the Polish Semi-Elite League for his remarks on the European nation's state of affairs.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been fined $5,000 more zloties by the Polish Semi-Elite League for making the check of $10,000 zloties payable to "PoLAND OF FAGS"
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been dropped by the Warsaw Wombats after his string of run ins with the press and otherwise unfortunate season.
UPDATE: Mark Hendricks has been picked up by the Oslo Trolls, a team in the Scandinavian Shooter League.
UPDATE: The Scandinavian Shooter League has absorbed the Polish Semi-Elite League, which now means that the Oslo Trolls and Warsaw Wombats are in the same league, same conference at well.
UPDATE: Steve Hand complained of back spasms, but says he will skate tomorrow nonetheless.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Drought Over!
The Red Army won tonight, I repeat, the Red Army won tonight. Tonight's win snapped a losing streak that spanned over two seasons, two seasons that many fans have tried to forget. "Yeah I've been trying to forget the past couple years of Mother Russia hockey." Longtime fan Harold Ramuk said. "The alcohol has definitely helped, in fact for a week there I'm pretty sure I forgot I was married."
The win itself was a thing of beauty. A 4-2 victory over the Mad Dads, with all four goals being supplied by Jerrod Funk. The stable defenseman who seldom sees time on offense, was given the full game to roam on the attack. By denting the twine four times, he joined Mark Hendricks as the only other Comrade to net four goals in a season opener. "Four goals is no mean feat." An excited Funk said after the game. "Four is nice, but five would have been better. No wait, six would have been better... the best!"
Asked about his first game, rookie Tony Horton expressed what much of the public was already thinking "I'm glad we got to play old men." Old men or not, the angry fathers proved to be no match for Mother Russia. Which in itself, answers the age old question of who wears the pants in that relationship.
As usual, third year player Steve Hand was talkative afterwards. "I thought we played great. Jerrod was on fire, Spitz was solid, and we played great as a unit. Would have been nice to get one but it'll come. One thing is for sure, the Red Army won. And I plan on raising those XL shirts this May. This team has great defense, it has great heart, it has a potent offense, and most importantly... I have a raging boner."
What's up next for the Red Army? After tonight's dismantling of the irate papas the communists play host to Cryptic Stench. Undoubtedly a far more formidable foe than the rage filled pops, the stench will be a true test to this team's tenacity. Practice tomorrow was cancelled by Hand (who has relinquished Hendricks as captain) so that the players can attend a parade where they will be honored for winning. All that is left to say for now is... it felt good to write a post-game story about a victory.
"Don't you want to interview me?" A sheepish Schram asked reporters afterwards. "Nah we're good man, we're good."
"Eight would be splendid!" Funk exclaimed. Splendid indeed Mr. Funk... splendid indeed.
The win itself was a thing of beauty. A 4-2 victory over the Mad Dads, with all four goals being supplied by Jerrod Funk. The stable defenseman who seldom sees time on offense, was given the full game to roam on the attack. By denting the twine four times, he joined Mark Hendricks as the only other Comrade to net four goals in a season opener. "Four goals is no mean feat." An excited Funk said after the game. "Four is nice, but five would have been better. No wait, six would have been better... the best!"
Asked about his first game, rookie Tony Horton expressed what much of the public was already thinking "I'm glad we got to play old men." Old men or not, the angry fathers proved to be no match for Mother Russia. Which in itself, answers the age old question of who wears the pants in that relationship.
As usual, third year player Steve Hand was talkative afterwards. "I thought we played great. Jerrod was on fire, Spitz was solid, and we played great as a unit. Would have been nice to get one but it'll come. One thing is for sure, the Red Army won. And I plan on raising those XL shirts this May. This team has great defense, it has great heart, it has a potent offense, and most importantly... I have a raging boner."
What's up next for the Red Army? After tonight's dismantling of the irate papas the communists play host to Cryptic Stench. Undoubtedly a far more formidable foe than the rage filled pops, the stench will be a true test to this team's tenacity. Practice tomorrow was cancelled by Hand (who has relinquished Hendricks as captain) so that the players can attend a parade where they will be honored for winning. All that is left to say for now is... it felt good to write a post-game story about a victory.
"Don't you want to interview me?" A sheepish Schram asked reporters afterwards. "Nah we're good man, we're good."
"Eight would be splendid!" Funk exclaimed. Splendid indeed Mr. Funk... splendid indeed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)