Drought Over!

The Red Army won tonight, I repeat, the Red Army won tonight. Tonight's win snapped a losing streak that spanned over two seasons, two seasons that many fans have tried to forget. "Yeah I've been trying to forget the past couple years of Mother Russia hockey." Longtime fan Harold Ramuk said. "The alcohol has definitely helped, in fact for a week there I'm pretty sure I forgot I was married."

The win itself was a thing of beauty. A 4-2 victory over the Mad Dads, with all four goals being supplied by Jerrod Funk. The stable defenseman who seldom sees time on offense, was given the full game to roam on the attack. By denting the twine four times, he joined Mark Hendricks as the only other Comrade to net four goals in a season opener. "Four goals is no mean feat." An excited Funk said after the game. "Four is nice, but five would have been better. No wait, six would have been better... the best!"

Asked about his first game, rookie Tony Horton expressed what much of the public was already thinking "I'm glad we got to play old men." Old men or not, the angry fathers proved to be no match for Mother Russia. Which in itself, answers the age old question of who wears the pants in that relationship.

As usual, third year player Steve Hand was talkative afterwards. "I thought we played great. Jerrod was on fire, Spitz was solid, and we played great as a unit. Would have been nice to get one but it'll come. One thing is for sure, the Red Army won. And I plan on raising those XL shirts this May. This team has great defense, it has great heart, it has a potent offense, and most importantly... I have a raging boner."

What's up next for the Red Army? After tonight's dismantling of the irate papas the communists play host to Cryptic Stench. Undoubtedly a far more formidable foe than the rage filled pops, the stench will be a true test to this team's tenacity. Practice tomorrow was cancelled by Hand (who has relinquished Hendricks as captain) so that the players can attend a parade where they will be honored for winning. All that is left to say for now is... it felt good to write a post-game story about a victory.

"Don't you want to interview me?" A sheepish Schram asked reporters afterwards. "Nah we're good man, we're good."

"Eight would be splendid!" Funk exclaimed. Splendid indeed Mr. Funk... splendid indeed.