Instant Classic

The Red Army won a nail biter tonight 8-7 in what was easily the most entertaining game of the season- by far. Mark Hendricks had a career high six goals, while his brother Peter had a pair, including the game winner which came on a two man advantage with 18 seconds remaining in the game.

With Simek out for the season, and Neal, Beege, Odell, and Lynch out for tonight's game, Mother Russia called on old friend Steve Hand and called up Pat King from the Trailside Tigers. Pat contributed on the defensive front, while Hand wreaked havoc in front of the Indy net all night and factored in to a few of the Hendricks goals. The scoring was started by Mark, who gathered a rebound after a botched breakaway and fired top right. He added two more in the first period, giving his team the lead after one, 3-2.

Midway through the second the lead was increased to two after Peter and Steve's relentless forchecking. Steve was able to backhand a pass from the sideboards to Peter, who crept in and fired a wrister five hole. The celebration was brief though, as moments later the Indy's struck back, and the lead was one again. Mark continued the see-saw affair by scoring on a spectacular 1 on 1 move. He faked outside and cut inside, skated around the defender and potted the goal under the outstretched goaltender. Still in the second frame, during a lengthy shift spent in the Indy zone, Brad found Mark in the slot, and Mark found daylight. It increased the lead to three, the biggest lead of the game. But with just five skaters and the odometers rising, no lead was safe. The Indys decreased the margin to two just before the second intermission.

"Not much was said during those two minutes on the bench. Mark was lying down on the rink trying to catch his breath, everyone else was breathing heavy and drinking lots of water. Brad said a few words, just reminding us to play smart. It was cool to be reunited with my old mates. It felt right." Hand said afterwards. "We knew the 3rd period was going to be tough. But we were fighting for each other. Doesn't matter if I play for the Redder Army, or Pat isn't on the roster, for 45 minutes tonight we bled red. I mean, like Red Army. I guess we all bleed red. We were a unit out there."

It was evident that the game plan going into the third had changed. What had been a run and gun offense with crisp passing and swift skating had changed to a dump and chase mentality with no forechecking presence. It worked for the first half of the period, but the Indys kept coming. Scoring two goals in the span of 90 seconds, the game was tied at 6 with just over five minutes to play. When many thought there was nothing left in the tank, the Red Army went to its bread and butter, #18. Mark, who seemed vehement to not let his career night go to waste, pushed the ensuing faceoff through the center's legs and found Hand springing into the offensive zone. Hand skated in then fed a beautiful pass back to Mark, who fired a shot top shelf before falling down. The celebration, probably the most controversial of the season, was Mark humping the rink. No fines have been issued yet, but the league released a statement saying that "The matter is being looked into."

As only appropriate, within seconds the game was even again, this time at 7. Certainly there was no feasible way that Mother Russia had one more goal in them. Players were gasping for air between breaks and the water supply had run out. But with just under 90 seconds left, a glimmer of victorious hope arrived, as an Indy player was called for tripping Mark. The power play went to work, peppering shots on but couldn't dent the twine. Then, with 30 seconds remaining Mark was interfered with behind the goal, resulting in a 4 on 2 power play with 22 seconds remaining. "I'll be honest, I didn't think I was going to get that call. But I kept my feet moving and I saw his (the ref's) arm go up and I just thought... damn... now we have to score." And it took all of five seconds. Mark won the faceoff back to Brad, who found Peter in the slot. Peter's shot hit the blocker and fluttered in the air before trickling over the goal line. What had seemed impossible, became very real. As the final seconds ticked off, the puck 200 feet away from the Red Army goal, Mark raised his hands to the air and let out a "Fuck yeah!" Cause really, that was a fucking great game.

Order Restored

The Red Army won. Mark Hendricks is a top ten scorer. The season is back on track. Bring on the Indys, ho.

Mark Cleared to Play, Probably Drunk

Mark Hendricks was cleared by doctors to skate for the Red Army tomorrow night. The unbelievably talented sniper will suit up back on the first line and be reunited with his brother Beege. We journalists had a phone conversation with Mark earlier, below is the transcript of our conference call.

Digest: Are you excited to play tomorrow?
Mark: Fuck yeah mang.
Digest: Do you think you can turn this season around?
Mark: Of course, wait hold this hold this, it's my turn (yelling in background, gurgling) I've turned so much shit around this ain't nothing.
Digest: How much of an impact do you think you'll have on your team.
Mark: As big as an impact the iceberg had on the titanic.
Digest: Can you elaborate? The iceberg sunk the titanic.
Mark: That's a pretty big impact dickweed. Woah, who the fuck is this skank? Fuck it I'm not paying. (Loud rap music blasting, a glass breaks.)
Digest: Do you still think you have a shot at the scoring title?
Mark: (Hollering and yelling in background) What?
Digest: The scoring title, do you still think-
Mark: Oh yeah, definitely. I'm the best.
Digest: How will your form be with your elbow and wrist hurting?
Mark: I haven't been watching that much porn but my wrist does hurt a bit. How do you hurt your elbow?
Digest: Do you still think you can win the championship this year?
Mark: I think (undecipherable) but a lot of it depends on (undecipherable) other than that we just gotta cut some bitches.
Digest: Do you think that-


We lost connection, and received a voicemail from Mark 2 hours later.

Mark: Digest this mofo! (Farting noise made into the phone) Mark hurr, and I juffst has one God damned thing to say to you assholes at meet the press secretary of my johnson center for the arts and craft closet homosexuals are gay lord nashville predators chris hanson mmmmmmm bop bojangles... I don't know what I just said... but let us just remember this (farting noise made into phone.) Shit, there's a dead hooker next to me.

It's Better To Be Redder

One team is undefeated, atop the division, and boasts two of the top five scorers in the league. The other is 1-2, suffering from untimely absences, and ready to hit the panic button. Can you match the team to its description? Three weeks ago I'd be surprised if anyone guessed that the first statement is a summary of the Redder Army's season. With a tie last night, the slightly more totalitarian team remained undefeated and is now tied with Multiple Scoregasms for first place in silver division. The scoring was again supplied by Barone, Chris, and Jerrod, while Zach Wilson missed his first game to caddy for Tiger Woods.
The only downside to the Redder Army's season so far: Captain Hand (or, Caphand, as some of his mates affectionately call him) and his skate breaking (or skeakage, as no one calls it). The centerman will have to purchase a new pair, or do some serious skate maintenance (skatenance). "Yeah it was rough." A disgruntled Hand said afterwards. "But as the saying goes, when the going gets tough... make lemonade."
FUNFACT: Andy Schram is the only player to not register a point for his team. This marks the first time in history that a player has played 3 games with a team and not contributed. This stat not only applies to roller hockey teams everywhere, but also other sports... skiing, volleyball, jai alai, badminton, croquet, cricket, basketball, puck game, ping pong, Foosball, boomerang, rugby, smear the queer, tag the fag, oh no a homo, oh hey a gay, water polo, hopscotch, the Kentucky derby, rock paper scissors, paper football, 40 meter dash, tennis, beer pong, flip cup, quarters, mini golf, nose game, and murder the homosexual.

Meanwhile, the Red Army cancelled all practices until its game Thursday for players to recuperate and heal up. The team, while certainly not where it wants to be in the standings, is still optimistic. Even Brad, who usually takes losses especially hard, was heard humming a tune from the Annie soundtrack, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow." At last check, it is still raining.
Neal and Beege return home tonight, and Mark should be cleared to play for Thursday's game on Wednesday. Asked if he has anything special planned to rally his teammates on Thursday, Mark had this to say: "I'll tell them we're a better team than our record indicates, and that's we just need to get down to business and rock out with our cock out. Really just hang out with our wang out. Ya know, go for a stroll while swaying to and fro is our collective pole."

UPDATE: Mark has been fined by the FCC a sum of $4 million dollars for his penis jokes earlier.
UPDATE: Mark has signed a plea bargain to avoid the fee, by agreeing to lead pep rallies in high schools across the nation.
UPDATE: Mark has been arrested for statutory rape after impregnating half of the Silton High junior varsity cheerleading squad.

Simek's Tally Marred By Loss

Jameson Simek scored his first career goal last night in a losing effort against the Multiple Scoregasms. The goal came late in the third, with the game well out of reach, on a rebound. The score remained the same the rest of the way, with a final score of 9-3. The two other markers were provided by Neal, who now holds a one goal lead in the twin scoring race.
So what was the reason for tonight's blowout loss? Three things, in this journalist's humble opinion. First, Josh's shoulder injury. An injured goalie is never a good thing. He struggled with shots all night and was pierced nine times. While the extent of his injury is unknown, the time off before Sunday's matinee meeting with the Cryptic Stench is only a good thing. Secondly, missed opportunities. While the goaltending was great for the Scoregasms, it would have been nice for Mother Russia to stash more than three. Missed breakaways and odd man rushes always come back to bite you in the proverbial ass (ass in this case, not proverbial). Thirdly, and the biggest reason for the loss tonight, the absence of Lynch, Beege, and Mark. Not only does this give the soviets two goal scorers and a defensemen, but it gives their players more rest. Fatigue certainly played a factor tonight on the short bench.

EXTRA NEWS AND NOTES: Neal and Ryan both suffered injuries during tonight's game but should heal up before Sunday. Mark is in Bern, Switzerland with an elbow specialist until Thursday, but he told reporters he expects to play on Sunday.

REDDER ARMY NOTES: All players are currently reveling in the fact that they are now seeded higher than the Red Army.

2 Out In Attempt 2 Go 2 and Oh!

Gayest title of the year? Probably, but who cares, the Red Army is undefeated! They continue their quest for the perfect season tomorrow night against the Multiple Scoregasms, who defeated the Mad Dads last night. Sure, any comedian could easily crack a joke about how mad the dads were over not being able to "bust" their opponent and how "frustrating" it can be, but any joke of that nature would be in poor taste, and especially at this stage in the season: "premature." Grow up.

But a victory will not come easily tomorrow, as the Red Army will be without their top line of Mark and Beege. Mark is on the IR until Sunday, while Beege just sucks, excuse me, has a physics final. The scoring will most likely come from the stick of Peter, a defenseman, or very unlikely, Neal. Even so, with all of that, I still predict a victory for Mother Russia over the goalbusters. The score: 7-3, star of the game: Brad.


REDDER ARMY NEWS: Coming off of their victory last night, the team celebrated by drinking heavily. Later, Andy copulated with a fat chick.

Red Out

For now, the silver division is a four way tie for first place. Four teams sit at 1-0. Two of those teams are armies. Yes, the Red and Redder Armies won their Sunday night game's handily thanks to potent offenses and shut down defenses.

The Red Army got off to a great start, scoring early and often. Three of the Hendricks brothers combined for 7 goals. Neal, the only brother to not dent the twine, set up Peter twice on beautiful deflections in the game's final period. Peter lead the team with four goals, including a beauty that came as the buzzer sounded ending the game to make the final score 10-2. Mark and Brad each netted a pair, while Beege and Ryan each tacked on one to complete the scoring. Lynch and Jamie provided solid defensive help, as Mother Russia allowed only two goals. The Bear Calvary, while overmanned and out-hustled, did hang around for a period, but could not keep up the pace. A puck possession clinic was displayed, with a large discrepancy in time of possession (Red Army: 38:21, Bear Calvary: 6:39).
All that glitters is not gold however, as superstar Mark Hendricks went down in the first and was unable to shoot the rest of the game. The injury required a late night visit to urgent care where it was discovered he had suffered a sprained elbow. Certainly nothing season threatening, but he is expected to miss Tuesday's night game and potentially more. He is in a splint and a sling and is currently walking around public to garner the pity of hos.
How close was my pre-game prediction? I give it a C+. I predicted a final score of 9-5, while 10-2 was the final. I take credit for predicting a win and by a wide margin, but certainly did not expect a whitewash. Beege was the predicted player of the game and he had a solid outing, scoring a one timer off a pass from Mark, but Peter was the star. Four goals matches a career best, and he resides as top goal scorer on the team for now. With Mark out, Peter may be calling his own number more often.

The Redder Army also disposed of their oponent tonight, with the final score being 7-2. Wilson, picking up where he left off, netted a four spot, while Barone, Jerrod, and Chris all tallied once. The far more extreme socialists received a solid night in net from Kraus and found themselves victorious without the aid of their captain Steve, who at last check was entering boomtown.
So how was this game prediction? I give myself a D. A predicted a 5-3 loss and the player of the game to be Kraus. In reality the Redder Army won 7-2, thanks to some goal scoring from their stars. For the player of the game I am sticking with my guns, if only to avoid total failure. Kraus backstopped them to victory.

So now the question remains: which team remains undefeated the longest? My prediction: the two teams meet midway through the season both undefeated and settle in there. For now, both teams and both fanbases are happy. The quote to end the night with, this beauty from Mark Hendricks, "Owww holy shit my arm hurts!" Yes Mark, your arm hurts because you are pinching yourself too hard due to the fact that you've convinced yourself that you must be dreaming about how good your team is. He said that in so many words...

Two for One? One for All? Season(s) Start Sunday... Suckas.

As you loyal readers know, we here at the Digest take great pride in reporting on our beloved team and being the first source to report interviews and a post game analysis. It should come as no surprise when, effective immediately, the Red Army Digest (R.A.D) expands its coverage to report on the Redder Army. As expected, when the teams split, so did the fan base. Many fans with allegiances to certain players moved from franchise to franchise. In fear of losing some readers, we thought it would be in everyone's best interest to cover both teams here. Also, a new feature this year at RAD will be a prediction. After the pre-game breakdown, the final score will be guessed with the predicted player of the game. That being said, let the games begin.

First off, the Red Army laces them up tomorrow at 7 Pm against the much heralded Bear Calvary. Already thought to be a clash of the titans, this game has every making to be one of the best season openers in years. Mother Russia will suit up the Hendricks quad on offense, while seasoned veterans Brad and Lynch along with rookie Ryan Odell, and returning sophomore Jameson Simek head the blue line. The line combinations on offense will feature Mark and Beege on the first, with Neal and Peter on the second. While the players have yet to meet their goaltender, Josh VanBuskirk, the scouting report indicates that he should be exactly what the doctor ordered.
PREDICTION: The game will be a shootout. Both teams have offense and a lot of it. Given the defensive corps of the Red Army, I think they will be able to stave off some of the Bear attacks while the Red Army converts on more opportunities. Close game until the Red Army pulls away in the 3rd, final score 9-5. Player of the game: Beege (5 points).

Four hours later the Redder Army faces off against Cryptic Stench. To fill in those of you unaware of the roster of the Redder Army, voila:
Andy Schram
Steve Hand
Tony Horton
Jerrod Funk
Matt Kraus
Zach Wilson
Chris Duhaime
David Sobral
Mystery Player X
The mystery player will be revealed at 11, but given the talent on this team the match vs the stench could be another even tilt. What the Redder Army lacks on defense, it makes up for on offense. With a top four forwards of Wilson, Duhaime, Funk, and either Hand or X, many believe the Redder offense came out on top offensively after the split. With budding starts Andy and Tony on defense, if they continue their maturity and progression in the league, the more communist squad could pose problems for many teams.
PREDICTION: With captain Steve Hand out and a very skilled opponent, this is no easy game for the Redder Army. For them to win, they need their stars to show up and shine. Player X would need to contribute as well. Getting an early lead and shutting down the stench seems the most logical route to victory. But with all of these "X" factors, I see this game ending with the Stench on top. Final Score: 5-3. Star of the game: Kraus, keeping his team in it until the end.

There are the pre-game breakdowns, post your predictions below if you want to keep a running tally. The winner with the most correct guesses will sing the National Anthem at the Red Army vs Redder Army game.

Who the Hell is This Mystery Player?

Red Army ex-pats Steve Hand and Andy Schram talked coyly of their newest player "The X Factor" last night at a work-related dinner party. While no clues were given to reveal their latest pick up, sources have said no x-factor can inhibit the inevitable stomping that the Redder Army will receive when they face off against the Red Army.

Still though... come on mang. Who is it?

Red Army Scrimmages, Loses a Player, Gets a Goalie (UPDATED)

Red Army dominated their scrimmage vs the Mad Dads last night, putting on a puck possession clinic. While the Mad Dads are a much improved team, the revamped Red Army lineup easily disposed of the futile fathers.

Much heralded draft pick Pat King has opted out of his contract to play one more season with the Trailside Tigers and will not play for Mother Russia this season. It is likely that he will see one or two games with the big club when the roster has holes in it.

The Red Army signed a free agent goal tender this week. The name of the goalie has not been released yet, but his presence answers the goalie vacancy.

With one roster spot remaining, the Red Army is hoping that Pete Collis joins up with the team. Pete played with Peter, Mark, and Brad in a tournament this weekend. When asked about the tournament, Mark provided this gem: "We had three offensemen, me, Peter, and Pete. Peter and Pete are true centers and always look to pass, and I'm always looking to shoot. It was heaven as far as I'm concerned. As soon as my shot went wide it was back on my stick again."

LEAGUE NOTES: the perverted step child that is Red Army's, has registered their team as "Redder Army". NBC has already released a statement saying that anytime these two teams meet the game will be televised nationally. When asked if he was nervous about playing against his old rival, Andy Schram moaned "Ahh I'm soooo full of chocolate. But I suppose I can have one more nestle bar... ohhh but I shouldn't... when in rome!" Schram was hospitalized shortly after for blowing a 34.2 BCC (blood chocolate concentration) which was 24.2 above the legal amount, or roughly 12,000 hershey kisses too many.