It's Better To Be Redder

One team is undefeated, atop the division, and boasts two of the top five scorers in the league. The other is 1-2, suffering from untimely absences, and ready to hit the panic button. Can you match the team to its description? Three weeks ago I'd be surprised if anyone guessed that the first statement is a summary of the Redder Army's season. With a tie last night, the slightly more totalitarian team remained undefeated and is now tied with Multiple Scoregasms for first place in silver division. The scoring was again supplied by Barone, Chris, and Jerrod, while Zach Wilson missed his first game to caddy for Tiger Woods.
The only downside to the Redder Army's season so far: Captain Hand (or, Caphand, as some of his mates affectionately call him) and his skate breaking (or skeakage, as no one calls it). The centerman will have to purchase a new pair, or do some serious skate maintenance (skatenance). "Yeah it was rough." A disgruntled Hand said afterwards. "But as the saying goes, when the going gets tough... make lemonade."
FUNFACT: Andy Schram is the only player to not register a point for his team. This marks the first time in history that a player has played 3 games with a team and not contributed. This stat not only applies to roller hockey teams everywhere, but also other sports... skiing, volleyball, jai alai, badminton, croquet, cricket, basketball, puck game, ping pong, Foosball, boomerang, rugby, smear the queer, tag the fag, oh no a homo, oh hey a gay, water polo, hopscotch, the Kentucky derby, rock paper scissors, paper football, 40 meter dash, tennis, beer pong, flip cup, quarters, mini golf, nose game, and murder the homosexual.

Meanwhile, the Red Army cancelled all practices until its game Thursday for players to recuperate and heal up. The team, while certainly not where it wants to be in the standings, is still optimistic. Even Brad, who usually takes losses especially hard, was heard humming a tune from the Annie soundtrack, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow." At last check, it is still raining.
Neal and Beege return home tonight, and Mark should be cleared to play for Thursday's game on Wednesday. Asked if he has anything special planned to rally his teammates on Thursday, Mark had this to say: "I'll tell them we're a better team than our record indicates, and that's we just need to get down to business and rock out with our cock out. Really just hang out with our wang out. Ya know, go for a stroll while swaying to and fro is our collective pole."

UPDATE: Mark has been fined by the FCC a sum of $4 million dollars for his penis jokes earlier.
UPDATE: Mark has signed a plea bargain to avoid the fee, by agreeing to lead pep rallies in high schools across the nation.
UPDATE: Mark has been arrested for statutory rape after impregnating half of the Silton High junior varsity cheerleading squad.