White Wins Red War

When the season's schedule was released, July 6th was circled on everyone's calendar. The anticipation building up to the match-up of Red Army vs Redder Army was palpable. Journalists toyed with headlines for weeks, fans of both teams placed their wagers, and the coaches game-planned. By the time 10 pm rolled around, the NRHAMLDS website (National Roller Hockey Adult Men's League Dulles Sportsplex) had received over 8 billion hits, although much of that is attributed to the website's eerily similar URL to the popular pornographic site: NRHAMLD (Naughty Rabid Haitian-American Mothers Licking Dicks). Point being, by the time the puck was dropped many people had erections, for one reason or another.

As expected, it didn't take long for one team to find the back of the net. Red Army, who wore white because they are the team closest to God, got the early lead thanks to a Beege snipe. The winger ripped a shot short side on the goalie. Moments later, Beege's twin brother Neal extended the lead to two. Before the game was five minutes old the game was 3-0, as Mark continued his recent tear by weaving in and out of defenders before depositing the puck in the goal on a semi-breakaway. Some sensed blowout, but a determined Redder Army squad only saw opportunity for a comeback. The slightly more socialist group potted four even-strength goals in the frame's final ten minutes, with play-makers Barone and Wilson leading the charge. After the first, it was 4-3 Redder Army.

Whatever was said during that first period on the Red Army bench must have struck a nerve, because Mother Russia came out on fire. "Brad and Ryan talked about being defensively responsible, and I just reminded everyone that we play better when we utilise all of our players with good passing and supply strong puck support. We knew Andrew was giving us a strong outing between the pipes so we wanted to get him more goals. But I think what really got us fired up was when George Lopez, the owner of the franchise, came down and told us if we lost this game we'd be relocating to Kansas City. Now I don't know if it was a bluff or not, or if he is really the owner of the franchise... he just told us he was, and let's be honest, who fucking questions George Lopez? The point is we didn't want to go to Kansas City, ain't nothing good ever come from KC."

B-List celebrity cameos aside, the second period was dominated by the original comrades. Ryan leveled the game at 4 on the power play with a shot from the point. Neal regained the lead with a perfectly placed shot through a screen. Mark, having already been engaged in a brief scuffle with Tony, added insult to injury by netting his second of the night on a wrister from the slot, making it 6-4. The goal of the game came next on a beautiful one timer from Beege. Ryan took the puck from his blue line and skated across center into the offensive zone. He circled the net and found Beege, who was parked in the slot. Beege's one timer was clocked at 104 mph, and beat the goalie top shelf. The celebration was pure jubilation. After three years of practicing one-timers in front of his house, Beege had scored on one. Before the period would end, Brad would add one more to make the score 8-4 heading into the 3rd.

"We certainly didn't think it was over going into the third." A disappointed Steve said after the game. "We knew they had offense. We were trying to go goal for goal with them, but couldn't keep up. What's that age-old adage that always gets thrown around? You brought a knife to a gun fight... well we brought a scooter to a bike race. We brought a camel to the derby. We brought pez to a Halloween party. We brought a product of lesser value to a convention revealing the hottest commodity. That being said, I enjoyed playing them and can't wait to again. Had we scored early in the 3rd instead of giving up one, things might have been different."

While certainly not the nail in the coffin, Ryan's goal to start the 3rd definitely made things much more difficult for the Marxister Militia. Peter chipped in to make things 10-4, and also activated the fabled Hendricks curse: anytime all four Hendricks brothers score a goal in the same game, the Red Army is undefeated (128-0). The kiss of death, as none teams call it. There was a brief redder scare, as Barone and Wilson tallied seconds apart from each other to bring the game within 4, but all other attacks were staved off. Mark salted the game away with his third of the game in the final two minutes. The first Red Army vs Redder Army battle ended 11-6 in favor of the Red Army.

"It was a fun game, but I definitely don't want to play them in the first round of the playoffs." An abnormally sweaty Peter said afterwards. "Sure the scoreboard says we won by five, but they hit posts and missed chances.... right now they could easily be celebrating the win." His cocky brother Mark was not so nervous. "Playoffs, bring it on mofo. Woooo baby! Fuck it, I don't even wanna wait for the first round. Let's play them in the play-in game to the playoffs. God damn we're on fire right now. Hey Blackout, suck ma bawls we're coming for you."

So there you have it. When the season started we knew there would be an entertaining game to watch. Now as journalists, we just hope there is one more game this season, if you catch my drift. With the way the standings are right now, a #4 vs #5 could very well be in the cards, although this deck is missing two jacks and a nine.