Oh Captain, My Captain

It is a rarity in this league that a young player be awarded captaincy. Seldom is it seen that a player in just his third year be given the esteemed position. Well, Steve Hand is an out-liar in the box-and-whisker-plot that is hockey.

Hand busted on the scene in the summer of '07, notching ten in his rookie season. "We all had expectations. Maybe a goal or two and a handful of assists... to me of course." Veteran and ex-captain Mark Hendricks said. "But when he scored in his third game and then scored a pair in the next game that's when I think people realized he was legit."

"I still remember my first goal. I was in front of the net and the puck came to me. I shot it and it snuck inside the post. I was so excited I didn't know what to do so I did the banana peel celebration and started a dog pile." Hand told reporters. When asked about his favorite memory of his rookie season the answer was surprising to some. "Drinking after the games."

Many are wondering whether or not Hand can continue his fervent pace and tie or possibly break his goal record of 10. After last Sunday’s victory he has 4 goals in 3 games and is actually the 25th leading scorer in the league. “I just got my daughter a “Hand” jersey for her birthday. We’re hoping he can gain the 10 goal plateau and we think he can do it!” Longtime fan Daniel Shilard said. “There’s just something about him that makes you confident when he has the puck. Plus those hockey pants are ballin’.”

But goal production and style aren’t the only thing that made Steve an excellent candidate for captain, in fact many teammates say his greatest asset is his ability to make epic speeches. “Wow, the word epic does not do Steve’s intermission pep talks justice.” Defenseman Tony Horton said. “He once told us that if we were going to start the comeback we were going to have to walk through the desert in the shadow of death… wait… now that I think about it I think Coolio said something similar. Brad Lotocki’s favorite Steve Hand pep talk, “Oh, easily the one where he told us the story of the lion and the mouse. Ya know the story? The lion gets caught in a rope trap and the mouse helps him by eating through the rope so the lion escapes. Then the lion kills and devours the mouse for food. I forget the moral of the story, something about don’t ever take your opposition lightly… or it was just how we needed to run up the score against the Mad Dad’s to get our confidence up… one or the other.”

Hand leads his team into battle Thursday night against the Stench. He’ll be looking to continue his 3 game goal scoring streak. Who knows what will be said on the bench, let’s just hope it’s better than Schram’s infamous “If at first you don’t succeed, slash” quip from last season.

Offense Clicks Against Team of Dicks

Tonight's game featured everything... Pretty goals, one-timers, stellar saves, crisp passing, hard hitting (wtf?!?), a penalty shot, long shifts, two empty net goals, and a gallon of water. When the final horn sounded, Mother Russia had earned her first victory of the season in a hard fought battle, one that certainly didn't come easily. Down 3-0 early in the first period, franchise player extraordinaire Mark Hendricks took the puck off a faceoff and split the defensemen before depositing the puck behind the fallen goaltender. The score would remain 3-1 after one. "Oh that last goal in the 1st was huge." An excited Hendricks told reporters after the game. "You always try to bring something positive into the next period. A goal, a good penalty kill, anything that you can feed off of. And I think the team really fed off of my goal. You could say I fed the team really. I helped aid world starvation tonight with that play. And what was the world hungry for? Mark fucking Hendricks. In a totally non-cannibalistic way... I don't' know if this analogy is clear or not. Point being, I fed the world, I'm a hero, where the fuck is that hot reporter from NBC? What! They don't cover us anymore? Well whose that fox from Fox? Married? God damnit people I'm the star I'm supposed to fuck someone after the game." Hendricks, in his rage, then through a trash can onto the indoor soccer field, which actually did not disrupt play, as there was already a slew of fireworks exploding celebrating a Honduras score.

Still trailing by two goals in the second period, the Red Army kept up the pressure and lit the lamp again. Hendricks entered the zone 1 on 2 and took it to the right of the goal. After being hooked and spun around, Hendricks back handed a pass to the captain who had joined the rush. With a quick flick of the wrist, the deficit was one. Jerrod would tie the game at 3 on the power play. Hendricks found Jerrod backdoor, and the Funkmaster flex fired a one timer that eluded the goalie. Minutes after that tally, Jerrod found the back of the net again. It was the Army's first lead of the game. The lead would be short-lived however, as the Shockers were awarded a penalty shot when defenseman Tony Horton played the puck with his hand in the crease. The shooter beat Kraus and knotted the game at four. The see-saw game would continue, as Hendricks grabbed the lead back with a five-hole snipe. But the soviets would be trailing entering the third, as they allowed two late period goals... something that has plagued them for decades.

"Not much was said on the bench going into the 3rd." A very sweaty Hand said afterwards. "Hendricks was rambling about some world hunger crisis or something... We knew what was at stake. We didn't want to start 0-3. We just had to remain focused and we'd get our chances. The offense was scoring, we just needed to play better defense and hope our goaltending could prove to be strong."

Strong goaltending? Kraus stood on his head, literally, staving off shot after shot early on, keeping the score at only 6-5. And the defense? Andy Schram gets the "straight up baller" play of the night. Andy collided with a Shocker along the side boards, and was thrown to the ground. While on his side, Andy managed to shuffle a pass to Jerrod, who fed Mark in the slot, who then fed the world as he tied the game 6-6. "It was a huge play." An elated Andy told us after the game. "I mean, usually I don't get interviewed so I don't know what to say. Man... wait is this going to be on the news? Can I say hi to people? Hey Grammy! Um, oh oh oh and hey to the entire Michigan football team." The Shockers would retake the lead, only to have it relinquished once again. Hendricks found Jerrod on a breakaway pass, and one triple deke later, 7-7. With just over four minutes to play, Hendricks was nailed by a cheap shot by one of the heartless sons of bitches on their team. The cock mongrel hit Hendricks, who had his back turned, and drove him into the boards. The socialists decided to seek revenge not physically, but score sheetily. And awwww sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet sheet they did. Hand netted his second of the game, which would prove to the be the eventual game winner. Jerrod and Hendricks both tacked on empty net goals to complete their four goal performances.

So what's next for Mother Russia? On Thursday the Red Army can aim for .500 as they take on the Cryptic Stench. Sometime this week I'll be posting a feature article on the captain Steve Hand and some of the expectations he has for this season. Until then... rock and fucking roll comrades.