Oh Captain, My Captain

It is a rarity in this league that a young player be awarded captaincy. Seldom is it seen that a player in just his third year be given the esteemed position. Well, Steve Hand is an out-liar in the box-and-whisker-plot that is hockey.

Hand busted on the scene in the summer of '07, notching ten in his rookie season. "We all had expectations. Maybe a goal or two and a handful of assists... to me of course." Veteran and ex-captain Mark Hendricks said. "But when he scored in his third game and then scored a pair in the next game that's when I think people realized he was legit."

"I still remember my first goal. I was in front of the net and the puck came to me. I shot it and it snuck inside the post. I was so excited I didn't know what to do so I did the banana peel celebration and started a dog pile." Hand told reporters. When asked about his favorite memory of his rookie season the answer was surprising to some. "Drinking after the games."

Many are wondering whether or not Hand can continue his fervent pace and tie or possibly break his goal record of 10. After last Sunday’s victory he has 4 goals in 3 games and is actually the 25th leading scorer in the league. “I just got my daughter a “Hand” jersey for her birthday. We’re hoping he can gain the 10 goal plateau and we think he can do it!” Longtime fan Daniel Shilard said. “There’s just something about him that makes you confident when he has the puck. Plus those hockey pants are ballin’.”

But goal production and style aren’t the only thing that made Steve an excellent candidate for captain, in fact many teammates say his greatest asset is his ability to make epic speeches. “Wow, the word epic does not do Steve’s intermission pep talks justice.” Defenseman Tony Horton said. “He once told us that if we were going to start the comeback we were going to have to walk through the desert in the shadow of death… wait… now that I think about it I think Coolio said something similar. Brad Lotocki’s favorite Steve Hand pep talk, “Oh, easily the one where he told us the story of the lion and the mouse. Ya know the story? The lion gets caught in a rope trap and the mouse helps him by eating through the rope so the lion escapes. Then the lion kills and devours the mouse for food. I forget the moral of the story, something about don’t ever take your opposition lightly… or it was just how we needed to run up the score against the Mad Dad’s to get our confidence up… one or the other.”

Hand leads his team into battle Thursday night against the Stench. He’ll be looking to continue his 3 game goal scoring streak. Who knows what will be said on the bench, let’s just hope it’s better than Schram’s infamous “If at first you don’t succeed, slash” quip from last season.