Thursday, December 31, 2009
2009 Blowout: EVERYTHING MUST GO!
I'm in the midst of cleaning up the office this afternoon, but time permitting, I plan on doing two game recaps and finishing the countdown. It's been hectic here at the RAD the past few days but we'll be back on our normal operating schedule in 2010. Let's go Comrades!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas Comrades
Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even Matt Kraus
Ho Ho Ho
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even Matt Kraus
Ho Ho Ho
Thursday, December 24, 2009
#3: INSTANT CLASSIC
The Red Army has been in their fair share of nail biters the past few seasons. Games have come come down to the wire numerous times, with frantic rushes and scrums playing out until the final horn. The Soviets had seen it all, with last second victory and last second defeat. Then last night happened and a whole new chapter in the book of impossible had to be written.
Let us start from the beginning.
The Grenades and Red Army shared identical records prior to faceoff on Tuesday night. Both teams sat near the top of the Bronze Division standings at 7-1-1. The Red Army was riding a six game win streak while the Grenades boasted the most goals in the division as well as the fewest allowed. The game more than lived up to its expectations.
The Grenades scored first on the first shift of the game. A low wrister snuck five-hole on Andrew Jenkins, who was filling in for fellow Andrew, Andrew Schram. Moments later, the Soviets would tie it. A Grenade shot was blocked and Ben Breiterman gained control of the loose rebound. Mark Hendricks cut straight up the middle and called for the pass. Breiterman zipped a hundred foot tape to tape pass that hit Hendricks in stride. Two dipsies and one doo later, it was 1-1.
"That pass was incredible," Mark Hendricks said. "For him to look up, see me, and then fire the puck right onto my stick is amazing. Few guys can make that play. Must be the Hanukah magic."
The tie was broken by the Grenades on the ensuing shift. Again, the Soviets wasted little time in their rebutle. Steve Hand forechecked a Grenade defenseman, causing the turnover. The Captain stole the puck near the top of the circles and skated in along on the goalie before firing one home and wiping out on a rogue banana peel.
"I guess there was a fruit sale before the game or something," Hand said. "There was banana peels everywhere. Right guys?"
The Soviets took the lead when Neal Hendricks, returning to action after his Virginia Tech semester ended, jammed in a rebound from a Breiterman shot.
"I felt good out there," Neal Hendricks said. "It was good to be back with my Comrades. At Virginia Tech they preach democratic hockey. I missed the Soviet style, though the tech food is better."
After taking the lead, the Red Army stopped skating and gave up not one, not two, not three, but four consecutive goals. In the blink of an eye, the 3-2 advantage became a 6-3 deficit.
The first period was not done though, as two late goals, one by Neal Hendricks on a roof job and one by Ben Breiterman on the doorstep brought Mother Russia's Boys back to within one. After one period, the score was 6-5 in favor of the Grenades. One minute was not a long enough intermission for people to catch their breaths.
"It was a good and bad period," Pat King said. "On one hand, we just scored 5 goals in one period against a team that rarely gives up five goals in a game. On the other hand, we just stopped playing defense at the end of the period and that's why we were behind. But as the saying goes, when you're behind you just gotta (sic) thrust".
The second period provided one of the prettiest goals of the year. On a delayed penalty call, Odell gathered the puck while Jenkins raced the length of the rink to get the extra attacker. Odell skated around the goal as Neal Hendricks hopped on for the vacated net minder. Scott Hoefer, realizing his shift was running long, hopped off as Ben Breiterman replaced him. It was organized chaos. Breiterman skated into the offensive zone, Neal Hendricks opened up for the pass, and Steve Hand, unnoticed, infiltrated the offensive zone as well. From afar, the movement must have resembled wolves hunting. Odell fed Neal the puck, Neal skated towards center before firing a pass to Breiterman. Breiterman, who was planted in front of the goal, redirected the puck onto the blade of the Captain, and Hand fired the biscuit home. Tic, tac, tic, tac, toe, 6-6.
It would be the only strike for the Comrades of the period. The Grenades struck twice more to make the score 8-6 going into the final period.
"It was a high scoring game," Tony Horton said. "We knew we were going to get chances but we had to limit their odd man rushes. Crack down. Be disciplined. As a German, you know I love discipline." Jenny smiled, wryly.
"I'm not great at sledding," Lotocki said.
With the life sucked out of the Grenades and Uncle Mo's good fortune riding with Mother Russia, Mark Hendricks and Horton lined up for the ensuing face-off after the game tying goal. They were not able to continue the success. The two forwards got their signals crossed and both dropped assignments. A Grenade was left open for a one timer and he made no mistake about burying. A line change was made, and it was deja vu. A dropped defensive assignment and a Grenade goal. The Red Army seemed doomed to die by what had plagued them all game: giving up goals in bunches.
Hendricks brothers Neal and Mark skated a long shift on offense and generated multiple scoring chances with Breiterman and Lotocki, but the foursome's efforts was to no avail. The well had run dried it seemed. With the puck deflected out of play and less than two minutes remaining, a time out was called. The Red Army regrouped on the bench. They were down, bloodied and battered, and their win streak was on life support.
"The morale on the bench was high. We believed," Breiterman told reporters. "I think every guy knew it was possible. Still, two goals in 90 seconds is a tall order. That's like trying to find a half Spanish half Asian hooker the night before Christmas. You have to order ahead."
Jenkins was pulled and five skaters embarked on the comeback of the calendar year. Mark and Neal Hendricks, Scott Hoefer, Ben Breiterman, and Ryan Odell lined up for the face-off. The puck was dropped. The 90 seconds soon became 60, and the score remained the same. Shots were being thrown on net but the rebounds went to the corners and the Grenades wasted no time in clearing. With 30 ticks remaining, Mark Hendricks took a bouncing feed from Lotocki at the point. The forward settled the puck and fired a slap shot which struck Hoefer square on the pelvis. Hoefer wasted no time in firing a no look backhander that beat the goalie just inside the post.
"I got a backhander in the air!" Hoefer said, as him and Mark Hendricks engaged in the gayest of celebrations.
Still, the win streak was 28 seconds from being snapped. Jenkins remained on the bench and the five miracle workers remained on the rink. The puck was dropped.
28, 27, 26, 25, 24...
After a face-off win, the Hendricks' raced into the offensive zone with a head of steam. Mark's shot was turned wide and the shot ricocheted around the boards where a Grenade gathered it and raced towards the empty net.
23, 22, 21, 20, 19...
Lotocki caught up to the Grenade and collided with him. The falling Grenade was not able to get the puck deep and instead Lotocki gathered the puck and fed Mark who was streaking into the zone again. He shot into the haze of bodies in front.
18, 17, 16, 15, 14,...
The puck caromed around the mass of bodies but went wide. A fight for the loose rebound sent the puck into the far corner.
13, 12, 11, 10, 9...
Mark retrieved the puck and went to fire a turn around slapper, but stopped when he saw the traffic in front of the goal. He looked and saw Odell across the rink at the other point. Odell's angle, and slap shot, were better than Mark's. Mark sent a saucer pass over a pressuring Grenade's stick to Odell.
8...
Whack! The shot was shanked, but the fluttering biscuit made its way past the legs, arms, skates, and torsos of the players in front before landing in the back of the net.
7...
Dog pile.
The last seconds were played and the teams went to overtime. Somehow, someway, like the Soviets always seem to do, they refused to go quietly into the night (or early morning).
Brian "Beege" Hendricks set up his older brother Mark early in overtime in what 9 times out of 10 would have been a goal, but the Grenade goalie made a remarkable save on the leading Soviet scorer. Jenkins returned the favor on the other end by squeezing a low shot between his pads.
King and Hand replaced the two Hendricks brothers on offense and Lotocki and Odell replaced Breiterman and Beege on defense.
Play resumed, and a few seconds into the shift a simple play was made that sprung a Soviet 2 on 1. Hand chipped a puck along the boards ahead to Lotocki, and him and Odell raced in on the odd man rush. Lotocki's low shot was saved, but Odell stuffed in the rebound, blowing the roof off of the Plex.
"Game over man, game over," Odell said, signing autographs as he spoke to reporters. "The game tying goal, the game winning goal. My back is going to be sore tomorrow for sure."
"From carrying the team?" a TSN reporter asked.
"No, your daughter is heavy," Odell responded.
THREE STARS:
3: Scott Hoefer
2: Bren Breiterman
1: Ryan Odell
#3... Always a special place in our hearts.
Let us start from the beginning.
The Grenades and Red Army shared identical records prior to faceoff on Tuesday night. Both teams sat near the top of the Bronze Division standings at 7-1-1. The Red Army was riding a six game win streak while the Grenades boasted the most goals in the division as well as the fewest allowed. The game more than lived up to its expectations.
The Grenades scored first on the first shift of the game. A low wrister snuck five-hole on Andrew Jenkins, who was filling in for fellow Andrew, Andrew Schram. Moments later, the Soviets would tie it. A Grenade shot was blocked and Ben Breiterman gained control of the loose rebound. Mark Hendricks cut straight up the middle and called for the pass. Breiterman zipped a hundred foot tape to tape pass that hit Hendricks in stride. Two dipsies and one doo later, it was 1-1.
"That pass was incredible," Mark Hendricks said. "For him to look up, see me, and then fire the puck right onto my stick is amazing. Few guys can make that play. Must be the Hanukah magic."
The tie was broken by the Grenades on the ensuing shift. Again, the Soviets wasted little time in their rebutle. Steve Hand forechecked a Grenade defenseman, causing the turnover. The Captain stole the puck near the top of the circles and skated in along on the goalie before firing one home and wiping out on a rogue banana peel.
"I guess there was a fruit sale before the game or something," Hand said. "There was banana peels everywhere. Right guys?"
The Soviets took the lead when Neal Hendricks, returning to action after his Virginia Tech semester ended, jammed in a rebound from a Breiterman shot.
"I felt good out there," Neal Hendricks said. "It was good to be back with my Comrades. At Virginia Tech they preach democratic hockey. I missed the Soviet style, though the tech food is better."
After taking the lead, the Red Army stopped skating and gave up not one, not two, not three, but four consecutive goals. In the blink of an eye, the 3-2 advantage became a 6-3 deficit.
The first period was not done though, as two late goals, one by Neal Hendricks on a roof job and one by Ben Breiterman on the doorstep brought Mother Russia's Boys back to within one. After one period, the score was 6-5 in favor of the Grenades. One minute was not a long enough intermission for people to catch their breaths.
"It was a good and bad period," Pat King said. "On one hand, we just scored 5 goals in one period against a team that rarely gives up five goals in a game. On the other hand, we just stopped playing defense at the end of the period and that's why we were behind. But as the saying goes, when you're behind you just gotta (sic) thrust".
The second period provided one of the prettiest goals of the year. On a delayed penalty call, Odell gathered the puck while Jenkins raced the length of the rink to get the extra attacker. Odell skated around the goal as Neal Hendricks hopped on for the vacated net minder. Scott Hoefer, realizing his shift was running long, hopped off as Ben Breiterman replaced him. It was organized chaos. Breiterman skated into the offensive zone, Neal Hendricks opened up for the pass, and Steve Hand, unnoticed, infiltrated the offensive zone as well. From afar, the movement must have resembled wolves hunting. Odell fed Neal the puck, Neal skated towards center before firing a pass to Breiterman. Breiterman, who was planted in front of the goal, redirected the puck onto the blade of the Captain, and Hand fired the biscuit home. Tic, tac, tic, tac, toe, 6-6.
It would be the only strike for the Comrades of the period. The Grenades struck twice more to make the score 8-6 going into the final period.
"It was a high scoring game," Tony Horton said. "We knew we were going to get chances but we had to limit their odd man rushes. Crack down. Be disciplined. As a German, you know I love discipline." Jenny smiled, wryly.
"I'm not great at sledding," Lotocki said.
With the life sucked out of the Grenades and Uncle Mo's good fortune riding with Mother Russia, Mark Hendricks and Horton lined up for the ensuing face-off after the game tying goal. They were not able to continue the success. The two forwards got their signals crossed and both dropped assignments. A Grenade was left open for a one timer and he made no mistake about burying. A line change was made, and it was deja vu. A dropped defensive assignment and a Grenade goal. The Red Army seemed doomed to die by what had plagued them all game: giving up goals in bunches.
Hendricks brothers Neal and Mark skated a long shift on offense and generated multiple scoring chances with Breiterman and Lotocki, but the foursome's efforts was to no avail. The well had run dried it seemed. With the puck deflected out of play and less than two minutes remaining, a time out was called. The Red Army regrouped on the bench. They were down, bloodied and battered, and their win streak was on life support.
"The morale on the bench was high. We believed," Breiterman told reporters. "I think every guy knew it was possible. Still, two goals in 90 seconds is a tall order. That's like trying to find a half Spanish half Asian hooker the night before Christmas. You have to order ahead."
Jenkins was pulled and five skaters embarked on the comeback of the calendar year. Mark and Neal Hendricks, Scott Hoefer, Ben Breiterman, and Ryan Odell lined up for the face-off. The puck was dropped. The 90 seconds soon became 60, and the score remained the same. Shots were being thrown on net but the rebounds went to the corners and the Grenades wasted no time in clearing. With 30 ticks remaining, Mark Hendricks took a bouncing feed from Lotocki at the point. The forward settled the puck and fired a slap shot which struck Hoefer square on the pelvis. Hoefer wasted no time in firing a no look backhander that beat the goalie just inside the post.
"I got a backhander in the air!" Hoefer said, as him and Mark Hendricks engaged in the gayest of celebrations.
Still, the win streak was 28 seconds from being snapped. Jenkins remained on the bench and the five miracle workers remained on the rink. The puck was dropped.
28, 27, 26, 25, 24...
After a face-off win, the Hendricks' raced into the offensive zone with a head of steam. Mark's shot was turned wide and the shot ricocheted around the boards where a Grenade gathered it and raced towards the empty net.
23, 22, 21, 20, 19...
Lotocki caught up to the Grenade and collided with him. The falling Grenade was not able to get the puck deep and instead Lotocki gathered the puck and fed Mark who was streaking into the zone again. He shot into the haze of bodies in front.
18, 17, 16, 15, 14,...
The puck caromed around the mass of bodies but went wide. A fight for the loose rebound sent the puck into the far corner.
13, 12, 11, 10, 9...
Mark retrieved the puck and went to fire a turn around slapper, but stopped when he saw the traffic in front of the goal. He looked and saw Odell across the rink at the other point. Odell's angle, and slap shot, were better than Mark's. Mark sent a saucer pass over a pressuring Grenade's stick to Odell.
8...
Whack! The shot was shanked, but the fluttering biscuit made its way past the legs, arms, skates, and torsos of the players in front before landing in the back of the net.
7...
Dog pile.
The last seconds were played and the teams went to overtime. Somehow, someway, like the Soviets always seem to do, they refused to go quietly into the night (or early morning).
Brian "Beege" Hendricks set up his older brother Mark early in overtime in what 9 times out of 10 would have been a goal, but the Grenade goalie made a remarkable save on the leading Soviet scorer. Jenkins returned the favor on the other end by squeezing a low shot between his pads.
King and Hand replaced the two Hendricks brothers on offense and Lotocki and Odell replaced Breiterman and Beege on defense.
Play resumed, and a few seconds into the shift a simple play was made that sprung a Soviet 2 on 1. Hand chipped a puck along the boards ahead to Lotocki, and him and Odell raced in on the odd man rush. Lotocki's low shot was saved, but Odell stuffed in the rebound, blowing the roof off of the Plex.
"Game over man, game over," Odell said, signing autographs as he spoke to reporters. "The game tying goal, the game winning goal. My back is going to be sore tomorrow for sure."
"From carrying the team?" a TSN reporter asked.
"No, your daughter is heavy," Odell responded.
THREE STARS:
3: Scott Hoefer
2: Bren Breiterman
1: Ryan Odell
#3... Always a special place in our hearts.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Counting Down the Top 10 of 2009: #8, #7, #6, #5, and #4
Prior to tonight's game the plan of this blog had been to countdown ten moments and dedicate an article to each moment. Then tonight's game happened. See, we had not anticipated another event happening this year that would make the countdown, let alone, make it near the top of the list. We scrambled, held a meeting, and decided that we need to write what people want to read. So, to keep things fresh, I am going to offer a brief recap of moments 8 through 4 before talking about tonight's game, which ranks as the #3 moment of 2009.
Happy? Thought so.
#8: The return of the Patient One
Yes folks, in 12 hours Peter Hendricks' flight lands in Dulles Airport and he will make his glorious return to the blue rink he called home for the better part of a decade. The eldest of the Hendricks brothers impressed teammates and fans for years with his slick passing ability, patience with the puck, and knack for scoring late goals in bunches. Perhaps it is no coincidence that 59's most memorable game included a late comeback like the one seen tonight. Let us take a brief trip down memory lane...
The year is 2005; George Bush is in office, Kelley Clarkson isn't fat yet, and Geico has yet to introduce geckos and cavemen to their advertising repertoire. The Red Army is playing the season finale of their inaugural season. The season has been a success to date. After a slow start, the team rebounded with a string of wins and is in prime shape to make a post season run. The team itself is made of of several players that today's roster consists of. Brad Lotocki, Ben Breiterman, Scott Hoefer, and Mark Hendricks all were there. The season finale was the toughest game to date though, as it was against the undefeated 13-0 Puck Off. Like today's league, divisions divided the teams into two groups: gold and silver. Unlike today's league however, the two divisions would play each other during the regular season and not during the playoffs. The Red Army was a silver division team. Puck Off was a gold division team, and as mentioned earlier, undefeated.
Thanks to solid goaltending and smart defensive play, the Soviets found themselves hanging around late in the game. With 90 seconds remaining in the 3rd period, Puck Off led by only three goals, 9-6. Enter Peter Hendricks.
His first tally was classic Peter. He jabbed away at a loose rebound and slid one a few inches past the goal line to make it 9-7. The clock stopped, the teams lined up at center, and the puck was dropped.
With 30 seconds to play, he struck again. This time he redirected a shot from the point that found its way upstairs where Mommy hides the Little Debbie snacks. Suddenly the undefeated golden boys seemed nervous.
With 8 seconds left their fears were realized. Peter completed his natural hat trick when he corralled a rebound and fired one seven hole on the goalie. Chaos. Pandemonium. Euphoria. The comeback was complete.
Back then, overtime's were non existent. So, the final 8 ticks bled off the clock and both teams earned a point for the tie. The Puck Off season's lone blemish on the year was a tie, as they would go on to cruise to a Gold Division championship. For the Red Army, their regular season ended perfectly thanks to Peter Hendricks' 90 second game tying natural hat trick.
Welcome back Comrade, welcome back.
#7: Labia Line
Anytime a line of players earns a nickname, you know its a good line. The Labia Line was, and still is, a good line. Pat King, Mark Hendricks, Ben Breiterman, and sometimes Scott Hoefer combined for some absolutely gorgeous goals this past season. The creativity of Hendricks, combined with King's finishing ability, Breiterman's speed with the puck, and Hoefer's timely passes led to many goalie's searching for jock straps. From time to time, when the stars align, these players find themselves together on the rink, and you better believe it doesn't take long for a few "L"s to be thrown up.
#6: Ten in a Row Mofo's and Ho's
The tenth consecutive win of the past season was special. For one, it was against Prestige Worldwide. Secondly, 10 in a row... come on. Thirdly, it was the season finale and ended the season on a very high note. Though the teams would meet a little more than a week later in what would turn out to be a painful loss for the Soviets, they can take solace that for over a month they were unbeatable. Reminds me of a team I know today...
#5: Beege Avenged Playoff Style
Only appropriate to follow that season finale 10th win in a row with the second round playoff 11th win in a row over the Shockers. Any win is a good win, still some wins just feel better than others. Not only did the win vault the Comrades deeper into the playoffs than they had ever been, it also eliminated their arch nemesis the Shockers. When it is all said and done, many will utter the Red Army and Shockers in the same breath as Kelloggs and General Mills, the USA and Nazis, and Carlos Mencia and humor. No two entities clashed as much as these two hockey teams did this year, and the Red Army winning in the playoffs gives them the edge in 2009. Beege officially avenged.
#4: Padding Stats
This little blurb is the R.A.D. giving a middle finger to the anonymous comment posters who think some players pad stats. Neal Hendricks had 9 points last Summer Season in a win over the Predators and Mark Hendricks had 14 points in the recent win over the Islanders. Individual performances deserve to be recognized, but both players knew they were helping their team get the two points that night, and that's what matters.
Again, the middle finger cannot be stressed enough.
So, there is half the countdown. I think we know what's coming next. Stay tuned for a post that rivals tonight's game in epic-ness.
Happy? Thought so.
#8: The return of the Patient One
Yes folks, in 12 hours Peter Hendricks' flight lands in Dulles Airport and he will make his glorious return to the blue rink he called home for the better part of a decade. The eldest of the Hendricks brothers impressed teammates and fans for years with his slick passing ability, patience with the puck, and knack for scoring late goals in bunches. Perhaps it is no coincidence that 59's most memorable game included a late comeback like the one seen tonight. Let us take a brief trip down memory lane...
The year is 2005; George Bush is in office, Kelley Clarkson isn't fat yet, and Geico has yet to introduce geckos and cavemen to their advertising repertoire. The Red Army is playing the season finale of their inaugural season. The season has been a success to date. After a slow start, the team rebounded with a string of wins and is in prime shape to make a post season run. The team itself is made of of several players that today's roster consists of. Brad Lotocki, Ben Breiterman, Scott Hoefer, and Mark Hendricks all were there. The season finale was the toughest game to date though, as it was against the undefeated 13-0 Puck Off. Like today's league, divisions divided the teams into two groups: gold and silver. Unlike today's league however, the two divisions would play each other during the regular season and not during the playoffs. The Red Army was a silver division team. Puck Off was a gold division team, and as mentioned earlier, undefeated.
Thanks to solid goaltending and smart defensive play, the Soviets found themselves hanging around late in the game. With 90 seconds remaining in the 3rd period, Puck Off led by only three goals, 9-6. Enter Peter Hendricks.
His first tally was classic Peter. He jabbed away at a loose rebound and slid one a few inches past the goal line to make it 9-7. The clock stopped, the teams lined up at center, and the puck was dropped.
With 30 seconds to play, he struck again. This time he redirected a shot from the point that found its way upstairs where Mommy hides the Little Debbie snacks. Suddenly the undefeated golden boys seemed nervous.
With 8 seconds left their fears were realized. Peter completed his natural hat trick when he corralled a rebound and fired one seven hole on the goalie. Chaos. Pandemonium. Euphoria. The comeback was complete.
Back then, overtime's were non existent. So, the final 8 ticks bled off the clock and both teams earned a point for the tie. The Puck Off season's lone blemish on the year was a tie, as they would go on to cruise to a Gold Division championship. For the Red Army, their regular season ended perfectly thanks to Peter Hendricks' 90 second game tying natural hat trick.
Welcome back Comrade, welcome back.
#7: Labia Line
Anytime a line of players earns a nickname, you know its a good line. The Labia Line was, and still is, a good line. Pat King, Mark Hendricks, Ben Breiterman, and sometimes Scott Hoefer combined for some absolutely gorgeous goals this past season. The creativity of Hendricks, combined with King's finishing ability, Breiterman's speed with the puck, and Hoefer's timely passes led to many goalie's searching for jock straps. From time to time, when the stars align, these players find themselves together on the rink, and you better believe it doesn't take long for a few "L"s to be thrown up.
#6: Ten in a Row Mofo's and Ho's
The tenth consecutive win of the past season was special. For one, it was against Prestige Worldwide. Secondly, 10 in a row... come on. Thirdly, it was the season finale and ended the season on a very high note. Though the teams would meet a little more than a week later in what would turn out to be a painful loss for the Soviets, they can take solace that for over a month they were unbeatable. Reminds me of a team I know today...
#5: Beege Avenged Playoff Style
Only appropriate to follow that season finale 10th win in a row with the second round playoff 11th win in a row over the Shockers. Any win is a good win, still some wins just feel better than others. Not only did the win vault the Comrades deeper into the playoffs than they had ever been, it also eliminated their arch nemesis the Shockers. When it is all said and done, many will utter the Red Army and Shockers in the same breath as Kelloggs and General Mills, the USA and Nazis, and Carlos Mencia and humor. No two entities clashed as much as these two hockey teams did this year, and the Red Army winning in the playoffs gives them the edge in 2009. Beege officially avenged.
#4: Padding Stats
This little blurb is the R.A.D. giving a middle finger to the anonymous comment posters who think some players pad stats. Neal Hendricks had 9 points last Summer Season in a win over the Predators and Mark Hendricks had 14 points in the recent win over the Islanders. Individual performances deserve to be recognized, but both players knew they were helping their team get the two points that night, and that's what matters.
Again, the middle finger cannot be stressed enough.
So, there is half the countdown. I think we know what's coming next. Stay tuned for a post that rivals tonight's game in epic-ness.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Counting Down the Top Ten Moments of 2009- #9: Hat Trick of Hat Tricks
Recently the National Hockey League released a study that showed the odds of a hat trick being scored in a game are 18 to 1. Now, the odds of two hat tricks occurring in the same game are 324 to 1 and the odds of three hat tricks occurring in the same game are 5832 to 1. If you take the Red Army, the odds of three hat tricks being scored in a game and Mark Hendricks not being one of those three players, then the odds are 426184824502 to 1.
Whew... caught up on the math? Good.
On June 14, all odds were defied as lightning struck not once, not twice, but three... no wait... I suppose, 9 times in the same spot. Chris Duhaime, Tony Horton, and Pat King all recorded hat tricks in a 13-5 routing of the Coyotes. To make the achievement so much more historic, and the primary reason that this game was selected to make this list, was that it was also the first career hat tricks of both King and Horton. As stated in my gamer, it was the first time two players had both recorded their first career hat tricks in the same game since Griffith Wrenwald and Trent Yorkshire each scored four goals for the Archdukes in a 9-0 walloping of the East Egg Flappers.
The game itself was the Soviets first win of the Summer Season, and as we all recall that Summer Season was a season that ended with a winning record... a first for the Soviets in three years. Bill (hands of cement) Clement in an interview with Roller Hockey Weekly said, "King and Horton's efforts that night were really a microcosm of the strides that Mother Russia has made in recent years. No team needs secondary scoring as much as the Soviets do, and this was the coming out party of two players that today plan an integral role in the Red Army system. That's the mantra on the bench for sure."
King, who has solidified himself as a consistent scorer the past few seasons, accredits his success to his affinity for ordering only the finest of liquors. "When I'm out a bar I only drink the highest priced Petrone, because top shelf is beautiful."
Horton, who is a far more streaky scorer than King, attributes his success to his pregame rituals. "I always eat seven pulled pork sandwiches and nine eggs. Then I wash it down with three gallons of Gatorade."
Rituals and slogans aside, these two defensemen-turned-forwards have really brought this team to new heights the past few seasons. Yes, the strongest part of the Red Army is still the defense, but with King and Horton chipping in, the team is firing on all cylinders.
Fun fact for the night, in the Red Army's last 20 games the team is 17-2-1. Yeah, I'd say those cylinders are firing indeed.
Whew... caught up on the math? Good.
On June 14, all odds were defied as lightning struck not once, not twice, but three... no wait... I suppose, 9 times in the same spot. Chris Duhaime, Tony Horton, and Pat King all recorded hat tricks in a 13-5 routing of the Coyotes. To make the achievement so much more historic, and the primary reason that this game was selected to make this list, was that it was also the first career hat tricks of both King and Horton. As stated in my gamer, it was the first time two players had both recorded their first career hat tricks in the same game since Griffith Wrenwald and Trent Yorkshire each scored four goals for the Archdukes in a 9-0 walloping of the East Egg Flappers.
The game itself was the Soviets first win of the Summer Season, and as we all recall that Summer Season was a season that ended with a winning record... a first for the Soviets in three years. Bill (hands of cement) Clement in an interview with Roller Hockey Weekly said, "King and Horton's efforts that night were really a microcosm of the strides that Mother Russia has made in recent years. No team needs secondary scoring as much as the Soviets do, and this was the coming out party of two players that today plan an integral role in the Red Army system. That's the mantra on the bench for sure."
King, who has solidified himself as a consistent scorer the past few seasons, accredits his success to his affinity for ordering only the finest of liquors. "When I'm out a bar I only drink the highest priced Petrone, because top shelf is beautiful."
Horton, who is a far more streaky scorer than King, attributes his success to his pregame rituals. "I always eat seven pulled pork sandwiches and nine eggs. Then I wash it down with three gallons of Gatorade."
Rituals and slogans aside, these two defensemen-turned-forwards have really brought this team to new heights the past few seasons. Yes, the strongest part of the Red Army is still the defense, but with King and Horton chipping in, the team is firing on all cylinders.
Fun fact for the night, in the Red Army's last 20 games the team is 17-2-1. Yeah, I'd say those cylinders are firing indeed.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Counting Down the Top Ten Moments of 2009- #10: The Return of Benny Boy
Hockey is a team sport. While the skills of individuals can shine brightly, especially in the backdrop of a blue surfaced rink, it is the collective efforts of a team working as a unit that reign supreme in our beloved sport. A championship caliber hockey team is a pure example of a whole being greater than the sum of its parts. One need look no further than the 1993 Disney Classic Cool Runnings, where we learned that it only takes one faulty part to dash the Olympic dreams of an entire nation and turn the pie-in-the-sky hopes of John Candy into the pie-in the-mouth depression inspired eating that led to his eventual demise. Still, despite this, we here at the Red Army Digest had to focus on a few individuals when reminiscing over a very successful calendar year. Certainly our top ten countdown will be heavily populated by team moments, but we found it necessary to highlight a few key players and the impact they had on the Soviet group. That's why Ben Breiterman's return for his third tour with the team leads off our countdown of top 10 moments of 2009.
It was the fall season of 2009 (yes, last season) and the Red Army was off to a slow start. At 1-2-1, the Comrades were reeling from a fire-sale in the off season that sent Neal and Brian Hendricks to Virginia Tech, Chris Duhaime to New England, and Ben Breiterman to Florida. It was as though overnight half of the offensive prowess had been removed and a staple on the blue line that had installed confidence into the greener defensive corps had vanished. The warm success of the summer season had faded and yielded to the unwelcoming cold of the Bronze Division cellar.
Salvation came in the form of a phone call.
On the early Saturday morning of September 12, 2009, Steve Hand earned his captain stripes for the decade.
"I was drinking with Andy at the townhouse and we decided to call our old Comrade," Hand said. "(Ben) had been in Florida for a few days, maybe a week or two, and I was just going to give him the classic drunk dial. I figured we'd talk about boozing, about hockey, about Jason's Deli not being the same, you know, things of that nature. I can't remember the specifics of the situation, but I remember that Ben was sober and told me that he was coming back up from Florida because he didn't like it and he wanted to rejoin the team. I mean, at that moment, I think Andy and my drinking increased three fold."
Breiterman, who had established himself as a fan favorite in his brief second tenure with the club (recall that Breiterman also played in the 2005 inaugural season before moving to Stony Brook for four years) had also established himself as a favorite player among teammates.
"It was great having him back there," Scott Hoefer said. "When he played with us that summer, we were winning a lot of games. I am a fan of anyone that can increase the chances of victory. I think everyone around these parts knows my staunch opinions about winning." Hoefer than gave the entire Northern Virginia region the stink-eye before continuing. "We thought we had lost him, but when we found out he was coming back, let me just say, I think everybody was breathing a huge sigh of relief. Like, a post (being fellated) exhale."
Tony Horton shed some light on the other positive aspects of the return. "With Ben gone, I had to play defense. When he came back, I moved to offense. It was a win win."
Schram, who was with Hand at the time of the breaking news, agreed with Tony. "With Ben back it gave me more confidence. I liked playing with Ben because he was a calming influence. Sometimes when I was paired with Tony he would yell orders at me in German and I wouldn't understand. Ben made it a point never to speak German."
Probably no two persons benefited more from the Yiddish speaking defender's return than Pat King and Mark Hendricks (with an honorable mention to Scott Hoefer, who benefited sometimes). With the resigning of Breiterman came the advent of the Labia line.
"I remember Mark's phone beeping in my basement," King said. "We were playing beer pong with ping pong paddles against my brother and Will, and the game was taking forever. Mark's phone kept going off but we were too focused on winning to answer it. Then my phone went off and I saw it was Steve. I picked it up and Steve was yelling on the other end really excited about something, and I saw Mark looking at his phone and reading text messages and he started jumping around, and then next thing I knew we were shotgunning beers. The whole night is pretty fuzzy, but I remember talking to Ben and he was much more sober than us."
Hendricks' account of the story was slightly different.
"I was in Vegas doing this plug for my upcoming movie: 'Lock and Load: the Shawn Razor Jenkins Story'. It's a pretty good script, actually. The story centers around my character, Shawn Razor Jenkins, a locksmith that finds himself entangled in a web of deceit, money, and closed doors. He learns that the key to success isn't under a doormat, but in his locksmith skills. Though with some of the trouble he gets into at some points he wishes he was better off dead...bolt. I digress, the gig in Vegas went pretty well though, the models they had weren't as hot as the ones I mingled with in Helsinki last spring but I wasn't about to complain. I was in my limo driving to Excalibur when Ben called. He told me he was coming back from Florida and was rejoining the team. It was pretty cool, I mean, I told him no worries. If I'm in the lineup, the Red Army is awesome as is. Just look at the stats, when I play we are like 71-76-2 or something, we are just fine. But he insisted and said he really wanted to play, so I threw the kid a bone. Everyone deserves a second shot."
Breiterman did much with the aforementioned bone (ignore that) and brought some of the fabled sun from the sunshine state with him. In all eleven regular season games that Breiterman played that season, the Red Army was victorious. King, Hendricks, Breiterman, and sometimes Hoefer combined for some highlight reel goals on their Labia line, the defense, already with Ryan Odell and Brad Lotocki, became even stronger, and the team somehow, despite all odds, set franchise records in wins, points, and goals for.
And all of it started with a phone call.
"These guys are great," Breiterman said, steadying his hands as he lit the menorah. "Steve, Andy, Brad, all of them, fantastic guys. I told them I'd bring them a championship. It didn't happen last season, but we're hungrier than ever. We're growing as a team. The hooker party last week was off the hook and a great chance to unwind around the midway mark of the season. I guess Steve really had a lot of stress."
So, that is our number 10 best moment of 2009. What say you loyal readers? Are we paying too much attention to the return of BB? Should we have given him a higher ranking than 10? Let us know, and remember, it ain't gay unless you know it's a dude.
It was the fall season of 2009 (yes, last season) and the Red Army was off to a slow start. At 1-2-1, the Comrades were reeling from a fire-sale in the off season that sent Neal and Brian Hendricks to Virginia Tech, Chris Duhaime to New England, and Ben Breiterman to Florida. It was as though overnight half of the offensive prowess had been removed and a staple on the blue line that had installed confidence into the greener defensive corps had vanished. The warm success of the summer season had faded and yielded to the unwelcoming cold of the Bronze Division cellar.
Salvation came in the form of a phone call.
On the early Saturday morning of September 12, 2009, Steve Hand earned his captain stripes for the decade.
"I was drinking with Andy at the townhouse and we decided to call our old Comrade," Hand said. "(Ben) had been in Florida for a few days, maybe a week or two, and I was just going to give him the classic drunk dial. I figured we'd talk about boozing, about hockey, about Jason's Deli not being the same, you know, things of that nature. I can't remember the specifics of the situation, but I remember that Ben was sober and told me that he was coming back up from Florida because he didn't like it and he wanted to rejoin the team. I mean, at that moment, I think Andy and my drinking increased three fold."
Breiterman, who had established himself as a fan favorite in his brief second tenure with the club (recall that Breiterman also played in the 2005 inaugural season before moving to Stony Brook for four years) had also established himself as a favorite player among teammates.
"It was great having him back there," Scott Hoefer said. "When he played with us that summer, we were winning a lot of games. I am a fan of anyone that can increase the chances of victory. I think everyone around these parts knows my staunch opinions about winning." Hoefer than gave the entire Northern Virginia region the stink-eye before continuing. "We thought we had lost him, but when we found out he was coming back, let me just say, I think everybody was breathing a huge sigh of relief. Like, a post (being fellated) exhale."
Tony Horton shed some light on the other positive aspects of the return. "With Ben gone, I had to play defense. When he came back, I moved to offense. It was a win win."
Schram, who was with Hand at the time of the breaking news, agreed with Tony. "With Ben back it gave me more confidence. I liked playing with Ben because he was a calming influence. Sometimes when I was paired with Tony he would yell orders at me in German and I wouldn't understand. Ben made it a point never to speak German."
Probably no two persons benefited more from the Yiddish speaking defender's return than Pat King and Mark Hendricks (with an honorable mention to Scott Hoefer, who benefited sometimes). With the resigning of Breiterman came the advent of the Labia line.
"I remember Mark's phone beeping in my basement," King said. "We were playing beer pong with ping pong paddles against my brother and Will, and the game was taking forever. Mark's phone kept going off but we were too focused on winning to answer it. Then my phone went off and I saw it was Steve. I picked it up and Steve was yelling on the other end really excited about something, and I saw Mark looking at his phone and reading text messages and he started jumping around, and then next thing I knew we were shotgunning beers. The whole night is pretty fuzzy, but I remember talking to Ben and he was much more sober than us."
Hendricks' account of the story was slightly different.
"I was in Vegas doing this plug for my upcoming movie: 'Lock and Load: the Shawn Razor Jenkins Story'. It's a pretty good script, actually. The story centers around my character, Shawn Razor Jenkins, a locksmith that finds himself entangled in a web of deceit, money, and closed doors. He learns that the key to success isn't under a doormat, but in his locksmith skills. Though with some of the trouble he gets into at some points he wishes he was better off dead...bolt. I digress, the gig in Vegas went pretty well though, the models they had weren't as hot as the ones I mingled with in Helsinki last spring but I wasn't about to complain. I was in my limo driving to Excalibur when Ben called. He told me he was coming back from Florida and was rejoining the team. It was pretty cool, I mean, I told him no worries. If I'm in the lineup, the Red Army is awesome as is. Just look at the stats, when I play we are like 71-76-2 or something, we are just fine. But he insisted and said he really wanted to play, so I threw the kid a bone. Everyone deserves a second shot."
Breiterman did much with the aforementioned bone (ignore that) and brought some of the fabled sun from the sunshine state with him. In all eleven regular season games that Breiterman played that season, the Red Army was victorious. King, Hendricks, Breiterman, and sometimes Hoefer combined for some highlight reel goals on their Labia line, the defense, already with Ryan Odell and Brad Lotocki, became even stronger, and the team somehow, despite all odds, set franchise records in wins, points, and goals for.
And all of it started with a phone call.
"These guys are great," Breiterman said, steadying his hands as he lit the menorah. "Steve, Andy, Brad, all of them, fantastic guys. I told them I'd bring them a championship. It didn't happen last season, but we're hungrier than ever. We're growing as a team. The hooker party last week was off the hook and a great chance to unwind around the midway mark of the season. I guess Steve really had a lot of stress."
So, that is our number 10 best moment of 2009. What say you loyal readers? Are we paying too much attention to the return of BB? Should we have given him a higher ranking than 10? Let us know, and remember, it ain't gay unless you know it's a dude.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Red Army Digest Selling Out?
Folks, it's been a record year here at R.A.D. and I would like to thank all of the loyal readers that have made this such a successful enterprise. I have to admit when I first started this blog a few years ago I assumed I would update it once or twice and then let it rot away in cyberspace. This never happened though, and it has been your clicks that have provided the proverbial oxygen to the body that is my blog. Yes, I'm sticking with that analogy.
Continuing with those clicks though, it turns out that the amount of activity I'm generating on this blog has allowed me the opportunity to advertise. Partly for the sheer entertainment of it, partly for my current financial situation, and partly because I hope Viagra starts advertising, I have added the advertisement gadget.
I hope you continue to read up on your favorite (or in some recent cases, least favorite) inline hockey team. Let's make 2010 another record setter!
UPCOMING ARTICLES:
-top 10 of 2009
-the return of Peter
-sit down interview with Ben Breiterman
Stay tuned and keep it real, Comrades.
Continuing with those clicks though, it turns out that the amount of activity I'm generating on this blog has allowed me the opportunity to advertise. Partly for the sheer entertainment of it, partly for my current financial situation, and partly because I hope Viagra starts advertising, I have added the advertisement gadget.
I hope you continue to read up on your favorite (or in some recent cases, least favorite) inline hockey team. Let's make 2010 another record setter!
UPCOMING ARTICLES:
-top 10 of 2009
-the return of Peter
-sit down interview with Ben Breiterman
Stay tuned and keep it real, Comrades.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Winning Streak Reaches Six: Red Army 10, Hurricanes 2
For the second straight game, the Soviets easily defeated a team beneath them in the standings and added another two points to the ledger in their increasingly successful season. Led by Steve Hand and Pat King, the Red Army improved its record to 7-1-1 and moved into second place with a 10-2 victory over the Hurricanes.
"Anytime you play a team that you are supposed to beat, the pressure is on you," Mark Hendricks said. "We have expectations. To meet those expectations we need to make sure we are winning games we should be winning, and tonight was one of those games."
When asked about the recent controversy surrounding allegations that he has been shooting more to pad his stats, Hendricks dismissed the notion. "That anonymous guy who is saying that can kiss my ass. Look, it's one thing to intentionally go for breakaways, but we don't do that. Plus, if that guy is going to comment, why not just say who he is and what team he plays for?"
Hendricks was not done.
"Also, these guys are saying we are a dirty team. Dirty team? Outside of sticking up for each other after the assault a few games ago, I can't recall any of our guys fighting or laying a hit on someone. It just seems today that people can say anything today and people believe it. So, I'm going to offer my response. The Red Army is a dirty team, OK, but here are some things people might not know about the other teams. The Cryptic Stench are homophobic, the Strangers support terrorism, five of the members on the Shockers are in N.A.M.B.L.A, the Puck Ewes leave stingy tips when they eat out, the Hurricanes rarely respond to text messages, every member on the Prestige Worldwide team owns the director's cut edition of "Gigli" replete with bonus features and four alternate endings all of which still suck, the Jeff Schultz Experience suck at parallel parking, the Islanders are allergic to cats, the Mad Dads take Flomax, and the Unamused Pirates are all addicted to heroin. There, wrap your heads around those facts."
Back to Tuesday night's action, it did not take long for the Moscow Men to strike first. Ben Breiterman, returning from an extended absence, scored his first of four on the night from a shot in tight.
"L'chaim!" Ben yelled, as he and his chair were lifted into the air by his surrounding teammates, all of whom were singing Hava Nagila.
Scott Hoefer enjoyed another strong game, assisting on three goals. His latest helpers give him six games played.
"I'm just trying to chip in any way I can," a jubilant Hoefer said after the game. "I know I always preach about winning and how it doesn't matter about the stats, it's about the team... so let's keep it that way," Hoefer then became very serious. "I like winning, don't even talk about losing around here or I will kick you in the nuts."
The offense was mostly supplied by King and Hand though. Both forwards produced four point nights, with two goals and two assists each. For Hand, it gives him 15 points on the season and continues his recent hot streak. For King, it makes him the second Soviet to reach double digits in goals. His tallies were 10 and 11 on the campaign. Both players preached doing their roles well.
"For me, I make my living in front of the net," Hand said. "I had a lot of opportunities to score tonight because I am in the right place. It's about being there. I'm always there. When you wake up, I'm there."
King agreed with his captain.
"I have been pulling the trigger more instead of deferring to other scorers. It's made a big difference. Plus, once you find something that words, you have to stick with hit. I have found that by ordering only the finest of Grey Goose Vodka every time, I have been scoring much more frequently and much prettier goals. Top shelf is where my heart resides."
Andy Schram suited up in goal again for the comrades, turning away most of the shots he faced and improved his undefeated record to 8-0. The streak, which spans over two years, now has Schram asking fans to give him a nickname.
"Here's what I'm thinking," Schram said while his fingers shook. "I want something that combines my martial arts class with my goaltending skills. Please no Asian jokes, they get old fast... Mark and Steve."
Brad Lotocki had a cheering section last night as his younger sister Leigh came out to support the team.
"We could really hear her in the second when she unleashed the fury," Lotocki said. "It was almost as loud as a bear cavalry."
That's it from here. Another solid win and two more points. The rest of the season gets tough though, and it starts on Sunday with a match-up against the bad tipping Puck Ewes. Let's see what Mother Russia's Boys can give them, especially with reinforcements on their way up from Blacksburg.
THREE STARS:
3: Steve Hand
2: Pat King
1: Ben Breiterman
"Anytime you play a team that you are supposed to beat, the pressure is on you," Mark Hendricks said. "We have expectations. To meet those expectations we need to make sure we are winning games we should be winning, and tonight was one of those games."
When asked about the recent controversy surrounding allegations that he has been shooting more to pad his stats, Hendricks dismissed the notion. "That anonymous guy who is saying that can kiss my ass. Look, it's one thing to intentionally go for breakaways, but we don't do that. Plus, if that guy is going to comment, why not just say who he is and what team he plays for?"
Hendricks was not done.
"Also, these guys are saying we are a dirty team. Dirty team? Outside of sticking up for each other after the assault a few games ago, I can't recall any of our guys fighting or laying a hit on someone. It just seems today that people can say anything today and people believe it. So, I'm going to offer my response. The Red Army is a dirty team, OK, but here are some things people might not know about the other teams. The Cryptic Stench are homophobic, the Strangers support terrorism, five of the members on the Shockers are in N.A.M.B.L.A, the Puck Ewes leave stingy tips when they eat out, the Hurricanes rarely respond to text messages, every member on the Prestige Worldwide team owns the director's cut edition of "Gigli" replete with bonus features and four alternate endings all of which still suck, the Jeff Schultz Experience suck at parallel parking, the Islanders are allergic to cats, the Mad Dads take Flomax, and the Unamused Pirates are all addicted to heroin. There, wrap your heads around those facts."
Back to Tuesday night's action, it did not take long for the Moscow Men to strike first. Ben Breiterman, returning from an extended absence, scored his first of four on the night from a shot in tight.
"L'chaim!" Ben yelled, as he and his chair were lifted into the air by his surrounding teammates, all of whom were singing Hava Nagila.
Scott Hoefer enjoyed another strong game, assisting on three goals. His latest helpers give him six games played.
"I'm just trying to chip in any way I can," a jubilant Hoefer said after the game. "I know I always preach about winning and how it doesn't matter about the stats, it's about the team... so let's keep it that way," Hoefer then became very serious. "I like winning, don't even talk about losing around here or I will kick you in the nuts."
The offense was mostly supplied by King and Hand though. Both forwards produced four point nights, with two goals and two assists each. For Hand, it gives him 15 points on the season and continues his recent hot streak. For King, it makes him the second Soviet to reach double digits in goals. His tallies were 10 and 11 on the campaign. Both players preached doing their roles well.
"For me, I make my living in front of the net," Hand said. "I had a lot of opportunities to score tonight because I am in the right place. It's about being there. I'm always there. When you wake up, I'm there."
King agreed with his captain.
"I have been pulling the trigger more instead of deferring to other scorers. It's made a big difference. Plus, once you find something that words, you have to stick with hit. I have found that by ordering only the finest of Grey Goose Vodka every time, I have been scoring much more frequently and much prettier goals. Top shelf is where my heart resides."
Andy Schram suited up in goal again for the comrades, turning away most of the shots he faced and improved his undefeated record to 8-0. The streak, which spans over two years, now has Schram asking fans to give him a nickname.
"Here's what I'm thinking," Schram said while his fingers shook. "I want something that combines my martial arts class with my goaltending skills. Please no Asian jokes, they get old fast... Mark and Steve."
Brad Lotocki had a cheering section last night as his younger sister Leigh came out to support the team.
"We could really hear her in the second when she unleashed the fury," Lotocki said. "It was almost as loud as a bear cavalry."
That's it from here. Another solid win and two more points. The rest of the season gets tough though, and it starts on Sunday with a match-up against the bad tipping Puck Ewes. Let's see what Mother Russia's Boys can give them, especially with reinforcements on their way up from Blacksburg.
THREE STARS:
3: Steve Hand
2: Pat King
1: Ben Breiterman
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Red Army Floods Islanders 13-4
Sunday afternoon's game between the Red Army and the Islanders was out of contention before half way through the first period. After the Islanders scored to tie the game at 1, Mother Russia responded with seven straight goals to end the period. There isn't much to say, but here are the post game notes in bullet form.
- Welcome back Pat King. With five goals and three assists it is fair to say that Hat-trick Pat-trick is back. Now, can he remain the number two scorer on the team the rest of the way? Regardless, I'd venture a guess that we see some of the Hendricks King magic in the playoffs.
- Scott Hoefer tied his game high in points with a one goal, two assist performance. He has now played five games in the eight games he has skated in this season.
- Ryan Odell played.
- Mark Hendricks was involved in every goal the Red Army scored. He assisted on all five of King's tallies as well as Hoefer's lone strike and scored the others. His 13 point performance beat his younger brother Neal's nine point performance from two seasons ago and established a new Red Army franchise record.
- Steve Hand played goalie for the first time in his career and was solid, stopping a little more than half the shots he faced. That's what you ask for with cameo goaltenders, right?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Suspensions Handed Out
Brad Lotocki and his counterpart in his bout Thursday night versus the Cryptic Stench were each suspended 1 game for their fight. The Stench skater who slashed Mark Hendricks in the face was suspended just three games.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Revenge in the Galant
Tonight, two members of the Red Army took a pick in last year's entry draft on an excursion of a lifetime. The journey began with a doorbell, featured booze, hockey, and taco bell, and ended with vengeance. Yes loyal readers of the blog, last night, the Galant hit back.
6:11pm Friday Evening- Nysmith Parking Lot
Mark Hendricks, Scott Hoefer, Will Sutherland, Pat King, and Kate Norman (girlfriend of Mr. King) were walking to their cars in the parking lot of the private school. The chat was mostly idle, though preliminary talks had began about a viewing party at Mr. Hoefer's estate to view the Capitals take on the Hurricanes in a southeast division showdown. Mr. Hoefer planned to house the guests but asked that they arrive around 7, the scheduled time of face-off. Mr. King, who had carpooled with Ms. Norman, had to take Ms. Norman home before he could begin the weekend festivities. Mr. Hendricks offered to entertain Mr. King if he wanted to kill some time between dropping his girlfriend off and watching the hockey game. Mr. Sutherland interjected at this time, stating that he would be busy until after the hockey game, as he had a prior engagement with his father. With plans still up in the air, the five exited into their respective vehicles and drove off into the night.
6:31 pm Friday Evening- Hendricks Estate
Mr. King arrived at the Hendricks estate and was greeted with Dower House Drive hospitality, as Mr. Hendricks removed the wrappings from a large frozen pizza and placed it in the center of the oven for the directed 14-16 minutes. The two watched Cash Cab and the Capitals pregame show while the cheese slowly melted on their impending dinner.
8:41 pm Friday Nigh- Hendricks Estate
A few hours removed from their delicious dinner (one which the Washington Post Food section classified as "exquisite", "makes you feel good inside", and "there's a big mess on the counter") Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks were greeted with a surprise, as Mr. Sutherland appeared at the door. His arrival, perfectly timed with Alexander Semin's second goal of the game, officially began a crazy night. Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks had been drinking rum and coke out of Oakton High School athletic glasses and were incapable of driving, but Mr. Sutherland would provide the sober transportation from the Dower House to Trailside Park for some late night, cold weather hockey.
8:48 pm Friday Night- Hendricks Estate
Laura Jeanne and Peter Senior Hendricks arrived home early from a work social and saw Mr. Hendricks, Mr. King, and Mr. Sutherland in the living room. Unbeknownist to them that the glasses Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks were drinking from contained rum, the parents of the star sniper assumed everything was kosher on the start of Hanukkah. Mr. King hid the handle of alcohol behind a couch pillow, and the five of them chatted about the work gathering and the hockey game. After a break in dialogue that sent Laura Jeanne into the kitchen to make coffee and Peter Senior upstairs to change out of his dress clothes, Mr. Hendricks walked into the hallway to grab his backpack, and brought it into the living room where Mr. King slyly deposited the bottle of rum.
9:43 pm Friday Night- Hendricks Estate
Mr. Hendricks, Mr. King, and Mr. Sutherland, after celebrating Mike Green's game winning goal in overtime, decided it was time to pile on the winter clothes and head out for some hockey. They grabbed sweat pants, undersized hats, and winter gloves before setting sail in the Galant. Mr. Sutherland drove, Mr. Hendricks supplied the tunes, and Mr. King sat in the back trying to fit into his aforementioned small hat.
9:59 pm Friday Night- Franklin Farm Giant
Mr. Sutherland and Mr. Hendricks grabbed a six pack of Budweiser for goalie wars.
10:34 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
The three gentlemen laced up their skates and set out on the frozen surface. The alcohol, while warming the blood of Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks, did not provide refuge from the blistering wind. Under a full moon, one which Mr. King later attributed his werewolf style session with Ms. Norman to, the men skated around shooting pucks into the six by four. On his first slap shot, Mr. Hendricks' old wooden stick snapped. Moments later, a puck split in two. Moments after that, a second puck split in two. Hendricks' stick was salvaged by a drunken tape job that refigured the structural integrity of the blade. The pucks were not so lucky. Fortunately for them, a hockey ball was in the trunk of the Galant. So, using a street hockey ball, the boys reverted to the style of play that existed while Pluto was still a planet and Jenny McCarthy did not have Hepatitis.
11:21 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
With the rum nearly gone and Mr. King destroying Mr. Sutherland and Mr. Hendricks in goalie wars, tragedy struck. The lights which had shined so brightly for over an hour ceased to smile down upon the rink, and the night became very dark.
11:26 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Convinced by Mr. King that their eyes had adjusted to the dark, the boys take to the rink again, abandoning goalie wars for a more back and forth style game which featured lots of drunk skating.
11:28 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. King falls after colliding with Mr. Sutherland.
11:30 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. Sutherland falls unprovoked.
11:31 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. King falls hard, unprovoked.
11:34 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. Hendricks falls unprovoked.
11:42 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
The hockey ball splits in two, ending the game. The boys reconvene at center, as Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks share the remaining shots of rum and the three of them gaze up at the starry night sky. Nobody makes a gay joke.
11:57 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
After Mr. Hendricks swore that he had seen four shooting stars, prompting numerous gay jokes, Mr. Sutherland agrees that he too has seen one. Mr. Hendricks feels vindicated, though wonders if it is possible that a plane had released its septic tank like Mr. King had hypothesized.
12:19 am Early Saturday Morning- Taco Bell Drive-Thru 1
Disheartened to find the Ashburn Taco Bell closed, the boys claim the night a night of vengeance and proceed to honk at cars that look at them the wrong way.
12:21 am Early Saturday Morning- Waxpool Road
Honk.
12:23 am Early Saturday Morning- Waxpool Road
Honk.
12:24 am Early Saturday Morning- Waxpool Road
Honk.
12:27 am Early Saturday Morning- 28
Honk.
12:29 am Early Saturday Morning- 28
Honk.
12:34 am Early Saturday Morning- 50
Honk.
12:39 am Early Saturday Morning- Taco Bell Drive Thru 2
Mr. Sutherland orders every prime numbered value meal... large.
12:59 am Early Saturday Morning- Hoefer's Estate
The boys reunite with Mr. Hoefer at his place and drink a few beers. Many gay-bombs are thrown.
8:23 pm Saturday Evening
Mr. Hoefer informs Mr. King that Quaing, a party goer who was in attendance last night, was in fact, gay. Mr. King responds that the alcohol had inadvertently shut off his gay-dar.
6:11pm Friday Evening- Nysmith Parking Lot
Mark Hendricks, Scott Hoefer, Will Sutherland, Pat King, and Kate Norman (girlfriend of Mr. King) were walking to their cars in the parking lot of the private school. The chat was mostly idle, though preliminary talks had began about a viewing party at Mr. Hoefer's estate to view the Capitals take on the Hurricanes in a southeast division showdown. Mr. Hoefer planned to house the guests but asked that they arrive around 7, the scheduled time of face-off. Mr. King, who had carpooled with Ms. Norman, had to take Ms. Norman home before he could begin the weekend festivities. Mr. Hendricks offered to entertain Mr. King if he wanted to kill some time between dropping his girlfriend off and watching the hockey game. Mr. Sutherland interjected at this time, stating that he would be busy until after the hockey game, as he had a prior engagement with his father. With plans still up in the air, the five exited into their respective vehicles and drove off into the night.
6:31 pm Friday Evening- Hendricks Estate
Mr. King arrived at the Hendricks estate and was greeted with Dower House Drive hospitality, as Mr. Hendricks removed the wrappings from a large frozen pizza and placed it in the center of the oven for the directed 14-16 minutes. The two watched Cash Cab and the Capitals pregame show while the cheese slowly melted on their impending dinner.
8:41 pm Friday Nigh- Hendricks Estate
A few hours removed from their delicious dinner (one which the Washington Post Food section classified as "exquisite", "makes you feel good inside", and "there's a big mess on the counter") Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks were greeted with a surprise, as Mr. Sutherland appeared at the door. His arrival, perfectly timed with Alexander Semin's second goal of the game, officially began a crazy night. Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks had been drinking rum and coke out of Oakton High School athletic glasses and were incapable of driving, but Mr. Sutherland would provide the sober transportation from the Dower House to Trailside Park for some late night, cold weather hockey.
8:48 pm Friday Night- Hendricks Estate
Laura Jeanne and Peter Senior Hendricks arrived home early from a work social and saw Mr. Hendricks, Mr. King, and Mr. Sutherland in the living room. Unbeknownist to them that the glasses Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks were drinking from contained rum, the parents of the star sniper assumed everything was kosher on the start of Hanukkah. Mr. King hid the handle of alcohol behind a couch pillow, and the five of them chatted about the work gathering and the hockey game. After a break in dialogue that sent Laura Jeanne into the kitchen to make coffee and Peter Senior upstairs to change out of his dress clothes, Mr. Hendricks walked into the hallway to grab his backpack, and brought it into the living room where Mr. King slyly deposited the bottle of rum.
9:43 pm Friday Night- Hendricks Estate
Mr. Hendricks, Mr. King, and Mr. Sutherland, after celebrating Mike Green's game winning goal in overtime, decided it was time to pile on the winter clothes and head out for some hockey. They grabbed sweat pants, undersized hats, and winter gloves before setting sail in the Galant. Mr. Sutherland drove, Mr. Hendricks supplied the tunes, and Mr. King sat in the back trying to fit into his aforementioned small hat.
9:59 pm Friday Night- Franklin Farm Giant
Mr. Sutherland and Mr. Hendricks grabbed a six pack of Budweiser for goalie wars.
10:34 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
The three gentlemen laced up their skates and set out on the frozen surface. The alcohol, while warming the blood of Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks, did not provide refuge from the blistering wind. Under a full moon, one which Mr. King later attributed his werewolf style session with Ms. Norman to, the men skated around shooting pucks into the six by four. On his first slap shot, Mr. Hendricks' old wooden stick snapped. Moments later, a puck split in two. Moments after that, a second puck split in two. Hendricks' stick was salvaged by a drunken tape job that refigured the structural integrity of the blade. The pucks were not so lucky. Fortunately for them, a hockey ball was in the trunk of the Galant. So, using a street hockey ball, the boys reverted to the style of play that existed while Pluto was still a planet and Jenny McCarthy did not have Hepatitis.
11:21 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
With the rum nearly gone and Mr. King destroying Mr. Sutherland and Mr. Hendricks in goalie wars, tragedy struck. The lights which had shined so brightly for over an hour ceased to smile down upon the rink, and the night became very dark.
11:26 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Convinced by Mr. King that their eyes had adjusted to the dark, the boys take to the rink again, abandoning goalie wars for a more back and forth style game which featured lots of drunk skating.
11:28 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. King falls after colliding with Mr. Sutherland.
11:30 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. Sutherland falls unprovoked.
11:31 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. King falls hard, unprovoked.
11:34 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
Mr. Hendricks falls unprovoked.
11:42 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
The hockey ball splits in two, ending the game. The boys reconvene at center, as Mr. King and Mr. Hendricks share the remaining shots of rum and the three of them gaze up at the starry night sky. Nobody makes a gay joke.
11:57 pm Friday Night- Trailside Park
After Mr. Hendricks swore that he had seen four shooting stars, prompting numerous gay jokes, Mr. Sutherland agrees that he too has seen one. Mr. Hendricks feels vindicated, though wonders if it is possible that a plane had released its septic tank like Mr. King had hypothesized.
12:19 am Early Saturday Morning- Taco Bell Drive-Thru 1
Disheartened to find the Ashburn Taco Bell closed, the boys claim the night a night of vengeance and proceed to honk at cars that look at them the wrong way.
12:21 am Early Saturday Morning- Waxpool Road
Honk.
12:23 am Early Saturday Morning- Waxpool Road
Honk.
12:24 am Early Saturday Morning- Waxpool Road
Honk.
12:27 am Early Saturday Morning- 28
Honk.
12:29 am Early Saturday Morning- 28
Honk.
12:34 am Early Saturday Morning- 50
Honk.
12:39 am Early Saturday Morning- Taco Bell Drive Thru 2
Mr. Sutherland orders every prime numbered value meal... large.
12:59 am Early Saturday Morning- Hoefer's Estate
The boys reunite with Mr. Hoefer at his place and drink a few beers. Many gay-bombs are thrown.
8:23 pm Saturday Evening
Mr. Hoefer informs Mr. King that Quaing, a party goer who was in attendance last night, was in fact, gay. Mr. King responds that the alcohol had inadvertently shut off his gay-dar.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Red Army Earns Another Two Points With Some Smash-Mouth Hockey
The Red Army and Cryptic Stench have a long history of close games and hard fought contests. Throughout the years, these two teams have seen each other quite often in the playoffs and have established a healthy rivalry. Well, that rivalry turned bitter tonight. In a game that featured the asshole play of the century, Mother Russia febreezed the Stench 6-4 in front of a sold out Jenny.
The Stench struck first early in the game on their first shot. A low slapper beat Andy Schram five-hole and put the Comrades behind early.
"I always give up the first shot of the game," Schram said as he loaded his gear into four different hockey bags. "After that I buckle down, but that first one is always on the house."
A few minutes later the Soviets stormed back when they were awarded a power play. After Mark Hendricks missed a wide open one timer, the puck came back around to him and he threaded a pass down low to Steve Hand who redirected the puck top shelf.
"It was definitely a pretty play," the captain said. "Ryan, Mark, and Scott were doing a great job moving the puck around so I just had to jostle for positioning in front. When Mark through the pass over I got my stick down and ramped it up." Hand then paused as he glanced at his phone which had beeped. "Well you'll have to excuse me gentlemen, my girlfriend is in my room and I think she found my porn. Time to score for the second time, nawwwww mean?!?"
The Red Army continued their offense on the very next shift. Brad Lotocki fired a pass to Hendricks and Hendricks avenged his earlier miss by one timing this one top shelf where grandma keeps her Bengay. Hendricks would add two more before the period was done, one on a slap shot from the point and one on a dipsy doo, did he just do what I think he just did, top shelf where Uncle Cletus keeps his ammo, shot. The Stench pierced Schram one more time at the buzzer of the first period to bring the game to within two.
"I also give up the last shot of the first period," Schram said, loading his bags into an 18 wheeler.
The second period was played at a slower pace than the first, as both teams settled in. The back and forth action that existed 15 minutes prior had been replaced by a more methodical technical style.
"Both teams clamped down a bit," Ryan Odell said. "We knew we had to be smart."
When asked about the two monster checks, both of which were clean, he delivered in the first, Odell provided this gem: "Some shooters can put the puck top shelf where Leroy stashes his condoms, I put the forwards out to pasture where mommy told Jimmy his dog went."
After the Stench scored to make the score 4-3, Odell proved he had an offensive punch as well, finishing off a beautiful give and go with Hendricks. The bulge was again two. Then things got dirty.
A forward for the Stench took the puck along the boards near the benches and raced into the offensive zone with less than thirty seconds to play in the period. Hendricks took the angle and met him, cutting him off. Sensing that he had no where to go, the Stench skater tried to trail blaze, and threw an elbow into Hendricks, knocking the two of them down. The referees, spotting the obvious infraction, raised their arms to signal a penalty. They were about to be shown a real penalty. The Stench player stood up over Hendricks, raised his stick like a baseball bat, and swung, hitting Hendricks square on the cage of his helmet. Chaos ensued. Tony Horton jumped in and provided a German beat down. After that settled down, another Stench player jumped Lotocki from behind. Lotocki, a man who had just conquered mountains and wrestled bears, showed his distaste for the coward and did the rope-a-dope with him. The referees blew their whistles, the players kept scrapping, and somewhere off in the distance a dog barked.
When it was all over, and the final seconds had ticked off the clock, there were some penalties to be doled out. Lotocki and his counterpart were given five minutes for fighting and game ejections. The original culprit was given two minutes for elbowing, 5 minutes for slashing, a game misconduct, and a suspension from the league.
"I couldn't believe he did that," Hendricks said afterward. "That was probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen a player do. That guy is an idiot. If I wasn't wearing a cage I'd be in a hospital right now, or a horror film. Absolutely moronic on his part." Hendricks' voice cracked several times during that rant. His teammate Lotocki echoed his sentiments.
"That kind of (stuff) doesn't belong in the league. I don't know what was going through his head, but that... that is just (really) ridiculous. The Bear Calvary would never act like this."
Tony Horton also had some choice words.
"If he's going to mess with anyone he's going to mess with me. Funny how he isn't so brave when the Fourth Reich rolls up. Man, I'll kristallnacht him on his ass."
The game continued and it didn't take long for Hendricks and company to cash in.
While with the two man advantage, Hendricks fed a pass through a defender's skates to Scott Hoefer, who rifled one past the goalie. It was Hoefer's fourth game played.
"Hell yeah man, now let's go cram the convo and beat the patriots! I mean, wait...." Hoefer paused then smiled, "I like winning."
The Stench would tack one more on late in the game, but the damage was done. The scored ended 6-4. Though the Stench threw elbows, sticks, and punches in the direction of the Soviets, the only thing that landed was them, on their collective asses.
Keep on rockin', Comrades. 5-1-1.
THREE STARS:
3: Scott Hoefer
2: Brad Lotocki
1: Mark Hendricks's and his still in tact face
The Stench struck first early in the game on their first shot. A low slapper beat Andy Schram five-hole and put the Comrades behind early.
"I always give up the first shot of the game," Schram said as he loaded his gear into four different hockey bags. "After that I buckle down, but that first one is always on the house."
A few minutes later the Soviets stormed back when they were awarded a power play. After Mark Hendricks missed a wide open one timer, the puck came back around to him and he threaded a pass down low to Steve Hand who redirected the puck top shelf.
"It was definitely a pretty play," the captain said. "Ryan, Mark, and Scott were doing a great job moving the puck around so I just had to jostle for positioning in front. When Mark through the pass over I got my stick down and ramped it up." Hand then paused as he glanced at his phone which had beeped. "Well you'll have to excuse me gentlemen, my girlfriend is in my room and I think she found my porn. Time to score for the second time, nawwwww mean?!?"
The Red Army continued their offense on the very next shift. Brad Lotocki fired a pass to Hendricks and Hendricks avenged his earlier miss by one timing this one top shelf where grandma keeps her Bengay. Hendricks would add two more before the period was done, one on a slap shot from the point and one on a dipsy doo, did he just do what I think he just did, top shelf where Uncle Cletus keeps his ammo, shot. The Stench pierced Schram one more time at the buzzer of the first period to bring the game to within two.
"I also give up the last shot of the first period," Schram said, loading his bags into an 18 wheeler.
The second period was played at a slower pace than the first, as both teams settled in. The back and forth action that existed 15 minutes prior had been replaced by a more methodical technical style.
"Both teams clamped down a bit," Ryan Odell said. "We knew we had to be smart."
When asked about the two monster checks, both of which were clean, he delivered in the first, Odell provided this gem: "Some shooters can put the puck top shelf where Leroy stashes his condoms, I put the forwards out to pasture where mommy told Jimmy his dog went."
After the Stench scored to make the score 4-3, Odell proved he had an offensive punch as well, finishing off a beautiful give and go with Hendricks. The bulge was again two. Then things got dirty.
A forward for the Stench took the puck along the boards near the benches and raced into the offensive zone with less than thirty seconds to play in the period. Hendricks took the angle and met him, cutting him off. Sensing that he had no where to go, the Stench skater tried to trail blaze, and threw an elbow into Hendricks, knocking the two of them down. The referees, spotting the obvious infraction, raised their arms to signal a penalty. They were about to be shown a real penalty. The Stench player stood up over Hendricks, raised his stick like a baseball bat, and swung, hitting Hendricks square on the cage of his helmet. Chaos ensued. Tony Horton jumped in and provided a German beat down. After that settled down, another Stench player jumped Lotocki from behind. Lotocki, a man who had just conquered mountains and wrestled bears, showed his distaste for the coward and did the rope-a-dope with him. The referees blew their whistles, the players kept scrapping, and somewhere off in the distance a dog barked.
When it was all over, and the final seconds had ticked off the clock, there were some penalties to be doled out. Lotocki and his counterpart were given five minutes for fighting and game ejections. The original culprit was given two minutes for elbowing, 5 minutes for slashing, a game misconduct, and a suspension from the league.
"I couldn't believe he did that," Hendricks said afterward. "That was probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen a player do. That guy is an idiot. If I wasn't wearing a cage I'd be in a hospital right now, or a horror film. Absolutely moronic on his part." Hendricks' voice cracked several times during that rant. His teammate Lotocki echoed his sentiments.
"That kind of (stuff) doesn't belong in the league. I don't know what was going through his head, but that... that is just (really) ridiculous. The Bear Calvary would never act like this."
Tony Horton also had some choice words.
"If he's going to mess with anyone he's going to mess with me. Funny how he isn't so brave when the Fourth Reich rolls up. Man, I'll kristallnacht him on his ass."
The game continued and it didn't take long for Hendricks and company to cash in.
While with the two man advantage, Hendricks fed a pass through a defender's skates to Scott Hoefer, who rifled one past the goalie. It was Hoefer's fourth game played.
"Hell yeah man, now let's go cram the convo and beat the patriots! I mean, wait...." Hoefer paused then smiled, "I like winning."
The Stench would tack one more on late in the game, but the damage was done. The scored ended 6-4. Though the Stench threw elbows, sticks, and punches in the direction of the Soviets, the only thing that landed was them, on their collective asses.
Keep on rockin', Comrades. 5-1-1.
THREE STARS:
3: Scott Hoefer
2: Brad Lotocki
1: Mark Hendricks's and his still in tact face
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Ahhhhhhhhr... Shorthanded Red Army Team Beats Unamused Pirates for Third Straight Win
In the games prior to tonight's tilt, the Red Army had never had a problem dressing all eight skaters for a game. Work, school, and sleep schedules seemed to exist peaceably with the hockey schedule and the Comrades seldom skated without their full opening night roster. Then, tonight happened. Ben Breiterman, Ryan Odell, and Andy Schram all were out. Luckily for Mother Russia, the rest of the boys stepped up. Thanks to another game featuring timely scoring from players not named Hendricks, the Red Army commandeered the Unamused Pirates ship and set sail for victory land.
"We knew their record was misleading," Tony Horton said. "They were coming off a win over the Shockers and it looked like they had a full bench. We couldn't get cocky. We had to go out there, skate, and play physically against everyone not on their team."
The scoring started on a nice two on one between King and Steve Hand. The captain took a slick feed from King and fired it into the net. It is the fourth consecutive game that Hand has scored in.
"Well, at the time I knew Pat wasn't going to shoot because as we all know he couldn't score. He was more snake bitten than a crippled hiker out in Wyoming, I tell ya. He was having less luck than a frat guy at a gay parade, I tell ya. He was firing more blanks than a-"
Hand was reminded that King did actually score in the 3rd period, ending a goalless drought of 5 periods.
"You bite your tongue, reporter guy," Hand responded. "This interview is about me and my sterile line mate tonight."
The banal Pirates came back and tied the score at 1 a few moments later. It would be the closest they got.
Early in the second period, the Soviets began to click. Hendricks gave the Comrades a lead early on a nice give and go with Brad Lotocki. Hendricks first took a pass at center by reaching back with one hand on his stick and corralling it, then skated into the zone and fired a pass to Lotocki. As Hendricks cut to the net, he lunged his stick forward and tipped it past the goalie.
"They don't call me gibbons for nothing," Hendricks said, grabbing something that was out of reach for 99% of the population.
A few minutes later, Hendricks and Lotocki hooked up again. This time Lotocki called in the morning. Hendricks drew a crowd of defenders and passed the puck down low to Lotocki. Lotocki's stuff attempt was foiled but him and Horton jammed away at the puck and Lotocki was able to knock it in.
"Sometimes we just have to keep digging," Lotocki said.
Lotocki was asked if he had anything else to say. A... catchphrase that shares its name with an old team, to be more specific.
"No. I think I covered everything. Who were you referring to?" Lotocki asked. "Ill Tempered Sea Bass, Mozambweak? No, I don't have any catchphrases."
Horton found himself on the goal line again as the Red Army increased its lead to 4-1. Hendricks took the puck to the right of the net and fired a shot to the opposite post. The puck struck the post and lay on the goal line before Horton punched it home.
The offense continued to fire at will, and it produced one of the nicest goals of the year on the next shift. King dumped the puck behind the net to Hand. Hand posted up against the boards and saw Horton streaking to the middle. Hand backhanded a no look pass to the tape of Horton and Horton unleashed his patented wrist shot, which he appropriately has nicknamed the "Fourth Reich".
As good as Horton's tally was, it wasn't the play people were talking about after the game. A scary moment ensued a few moments later, as Horton collided with King when the two got their signals crossed in the offensive zone. Video of the collision is available here. King was able to get up under his own power, though it is believed that Ovechkin could face a suspension for the play.
Hand tallied his second of the game and the period ended with the Soviets in control 6-1. Early in the third, King finally got one. After a shot from Hendricks was kicked wide, King slid the puck across the goal line from almost zero angle. Though details are still sketchy, it is reported that a portion of hell, the seventh circle, froze over. Excuse me, I'm sorry, that portion of hell was actually Sterling and that freezing over was a slight sleet fall.
"It definitely feels good to get one again," King said, wiping the shaving cream off his face from the pie he gave himself. "It felt like those five periods were an eternity. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop ovulating."
Menstruation jokes aside, King did rack up plenty of points tonight, but he still trails Horton and Hand by one in the goal scoring department. His mantra for regaining the upper hand on his friendly rivals?
"Always order top shelf."
Hendricks would tack on his second or third of the game (depending on how they credit the second period goal line Lupe Fiasco) on a wrist shot that bounced off the goalie, went straight up in the air, and dropped Disney movie style to cross the goal line at 3 centimeters an hour. The Soviets would yield two late goals, but buckled down to coast to a five goal victory. The captain had several chances for the hat trick on a power play in the final minute of the game, but it was to no avail; hats remained on heads.
That's it for now. The Soviets canceled practice tomorrow but their next-
"Bear Calvary!" Lotocki yelled, running down the hallway and throwing a shaving cream pie into his face.
...Their next game is Thursday versus the Cryptic Stench. King and Breiterman are out, so Mother Russia's Boys may need another Mockba miracle. Still, it doesn't seem to phase one Soviet. "I love winning, so I'm going to do keep doing that," Hoefer said, kicking people as he left the arena.
THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Tony Horton
1: Steve Hand
"We knew their record was misleading," Tony Horton said. "They were coming off a win over the Shockers and it looked like they had a full bench. We couldn't get cocky. We had to go out there, skate, and play physically against everyone not on their team."
The scoring started on a nice two on one between King and Steve Hand. The captain took a slick feed from King and fired it into the net. It is the fourth consecutive game that Hand has scored in.
"Well, at the time I knew Pat wasn't going to shoot because as we all know he couldn't score. He was more snake bitten than a crippled hiker out in Wyoming, I tell ya. He was having less luck than a frat guy at a gay parade, I tell ya. He was firing more blanks than a-"
Hand was reminded that King did actually score in the 3rd period, ending a goalless drought of 5 periods.
"You bite your tongue, reporter guy," Hand responded. "This interview is about me and my sterile line mate tonight."
The banal Pirates came back and tied the score at 1 a few moments later. It would be the closest they got.
Early in the second period, the Soviets began to click. Hendricks gave the Comrades a lead early on a nice give and go with Brad Lotocki. Hendricks first took a pass at center by reaching back with one hand on his stick and corralling it, then skated into the zone and fired a pass to Lotocki. As Hendricks cut to the net, he lunged his stick forward and tipped it past the goalie.
"They don't call me gibbons for nothing," Hendricks said, grabbing something that was out of reach for 99% of the population.
A few minutes later, Hendricks and Lotocki hooked up again. This time Lotocki called in the morning. Hendricks drew a crowd of defenders and passed the puck down low to Lotocki. Lotocki's stuff attempt was foiled but him and Horton jammed away at the puck and Lotocki was able to knock it in.
"Sometimes we just have to keep digging," Lotocki said.
Lotocki was asked if he had anything else to say. A... catchphrase that shares its name with an old team, to be more specific.
"No. I think I covered everything. Who were you referring to?" Lotocki asked. "Ill Tempered Sea Bass, Mozambweak? No, I don't have any catchphrases."
Horton found himself on the goal line again as the Red Army increased its lead to 4-1. Hendricks took the puck to the right of the net and fired a shot to the opposite post. The puck struck the post and lay on the goal line before Horton punched it home.
The offense continued to fire at will, and it produced one of the nicest goals of the year on the next shift. King dumped the puck behind the net to Hand. Hand posted up against the boards and saw Horton streaking to the middle. Hand backhanded a no look pass to the tape of Horton and Horton unleashed his patented wrist shot, which he appropriately has nicknamed the "Fourth Reich".
As good as Horton's tally was, it wasn't the play people were talking about after the game. A scary moment ensued a few moments later, as Horton collided with King when the two got their signals crossed in the offensive zone. Video of the collision is available here. King was able to get up under his own power, though it is believed that Ovechkin could face a suspension for the play.
Hand tallied his second of the game and the period ended with the Soviets in control 6-1. Early in the third, King finally got one. After a shot from Hendricks was kicked wide, King slid the puck across the goal line from almost zero angle. Though details are still sketchy, it is reported that a portion of hell, the seventh circle, froze over. Excuse me, I'm sorry, that portion of hell was actually Sterling and that freezing over was a slight sleet fall.
"It definitely feels good to get one again," King said, wiping the shaving cream off his face from the pie he gave himself. "It felt like those five periods were an eternity. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop ovulating."
Menstruation jokes aside, King did rack up plenty of points tonight, but he still trails Horton and Hand by one in the goal scoring department. His mantra for regaining the upper hand on his friendly rivals?
"Always order top shelf."
Hendricks would tack on his second or third of the game (depending on how they credit the second period goal line Lupe Fiasco) on a wrist shot that bounced off the goalie, went straight up in the air, and dropped Disney movie style to cross the goal line at 3 centimeters an hour. The Soviets would yield two late goals, but buckled down to coast to a five goal victory. The captain had several chances for the hat trick on a power play in the final minute of the game, but it was to no avail; hats remained on heads.
That's it for now. The Soviets canceled practice tomorrow but their next-
"Bear Calvary!" Lotocki yelled, running down the hallway and throwing a shaving cream pie into his face.
...Their next game is Thursday versus the Cryptic Stench. King and Breiterman are out, so Mother Russia's Boys may need another Mockba miracle. Still, it doesn't seem to phase one Soviet. "I love winning, so I'm going to do keep doing that," Hoefer said, kicking people as he left the arena.
THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Tony Horton
1: Steve Hand
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Pat King Sent to Trailside on Conditioning Stint
Pat King was sent to the Red Army's minor league affiliate the Trailside Tigers on a five day conditioning stint general manager Vladisaov Gorbichevstalin told reporters today. The winger, who experienced a career season last autumn, is expected to return to action for the Soviets on Tuesday against the Unamused Pirates.
"I know I shamed the franchise last night with my less than stellar performance," a solemn King said before loading his equipment into the Tiger Bus. "I trust Gorbichevstalin and I think a few games outside under those lights will really help my focus."
King then paused a few moments before continuing. "It was one game! One fucking game! Come on folks, we won didn't we? I back-checked Loges, I skated hard, I went inside outside on a defenseman and backhanded one over the crossbar, I even wrang a one timer off the iron. Sometimes things just don't go your way, but the minor leagues! I'm Pat fucking King! I'm the mother fucking King!" King then removed an AK47 from his hockey bag and fired several rounds into the tires of the bus, rendering it out of service.
It as the first time in several days that King had hit a target he was aiming at.
"I know I shamed the franchise last night with my less than stellar performance," a solemn King said before loading his equipment into the Tiger Bus. "I trust Gorbichevstalin and I think a few games outside under those lights will really help my focus."
King then paused a few moments before continuing. "It was one game! One fucking game! Come on folks, we won didn't we? I back-checked Loges, I skated hard, I went inside outside on a defenseman and backhanded one over the crossbar, I even wrang a one timer off the iron. Sometimes things just don't go your way, but the minor leagues! I'm Pat fucking King! I'm the mother fucking King!" King then removed an AK47 from his hockey bag and fired several rounds into the tires of the bus, rendering it out of service.
It as the first time in several days that King had hit a target he was aiming at.
Breakdown of Tuesday's Stats
Thought that some people might want to see the stats from last night. A few things to note from last night's score-sheet:
- Pat King was the only player not to register a goal.
- The four defensemen combined for 5 goals and 6 assists. Talk about getting offense from the back end.
- Pat King was the only player not to register an assist.
- Tony Horton and Mark Hendricks combined for 8 points.
- Pat King was the only player not to record a single point on the evening.
- Steve Hand has been quietly racking up the points this season.
- Pat King was the only player not to register at least two points.
| PLAYER | GOALS | ASSISTS | POINTS |
| Ben Breiterman | 2 | 1 | 3 |
| Steve Hand | 1 | 1 | 2 |
| Mark Hendricks | 2 | 3 | 5 |
| Scott Hoefer | 1 | 2 | 3 |
| Tony Horton | 1 | 2 | 3 |
| Pat King | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Brad Lotocki | 1 | 2 | 3 |
| Ryan Odell | 1 | 1 | 2 |
Red Army Routs Shockers, Pat Fails
Most of the Red Army players factored into the scoring last night as Mother Russia skated to a convincing 9-1 victory over their hated rival the Shockers. It was a game that was dominated wire to wire by the Comrades and by the midway mark of the game the contest was already decided. Despite Captain Douchebag Stevan Loges best efforts, his attempts to mount any sort of comeback were more ineffectual than his attempts to mount his boyfriend Derek after two strawberry daiquiris.
The scoring was started by Scott Hoefer, who just a few minutes into the game took a pass from Mark Hendricks and fired a hard wrist shot that beat the goalie five hole. With his third goal on the campaign, Hoefer has now eclipsed his goal total of all of last season.
"The goalie was slow going down so there was some space there," Scott Hoefer said. Still, the highlight of Hoefer's game was his string of three consecutive shot blocks while shorthanded in the opening frame. "He just kept firing the puck, it would hit my skates or shinguards and go back to him, and he would do it again. It probably happened about three or four times in about five seconds. I felt like I was playing pong on Atari out there."
The only reason Hoefer's goal was not a game winning goal (and that backup goaltender Chris Celenski didn't record a shutout) was the Shockers responded the next shift with a goal of their own. It was their only strike of the game. Womp womp waaaaaaah....
The eventual game winning goal was scored about fifteen seconds later, with twelve minutes remaining in the first period. Brad Lotocki, continuing his solid play of late, finished off an odd man rush by potting another one five hole.
"Five hole all day baby! Bear Calalry rawwwwr!" Lotocki then started a fire by rubbing two Allen wrenches together and headed into the parking lot equipped with a hand carved spear in search for a meal.
Ben Breiterman ended his goalless drought (anyone could have ended a goalless drought tonight... wait) by scoring his first of the season on a snap shot that beat the goalie far side. Later, on the same shift, Tony Horton jammed home a rebound on the doorstep after Hendricks was denied.
"I just get in there and do my thing," Horton told reporters after the game. "They were hacking and whacking at me all night, but if you are going to take this big rig down, you're going to need FDR at the helm."
The period ended 4-1, and the mantra on the bench was don't give up.
"We talked about how no lead is safe in this league, so we just wanted to keep bringing it to them," Ryan Odell said. "I just didn't expect it to be that easy."
Odell entered the period as the only Soviet yet to score a goal this season. He quickly ended that. After receiving a backdoor feed from Hendricks, Odell tipped it home. Just like that, on the fifth game of the season, every single Soviet skater had scored a goal. The way things were going in though it would be almost impossible for anyone not to score.
Hendricks scored a pair for himself in the period, both goals coming a combined 11 inches from the goal line. One on a backhand where he tripped over the goalie and one short side at zero angle where he almost was accidentally defended by Horton.
"I always love scoring," Hendricks said, "but when it's against these guys, it just feels so much better. We all know my feelings about this team and how some of them are dirty bastards that are worse than cancer AIDS, but at the end of the day, Loges can hook and hold and try to cheapshot all he wants, it seems like he always ends up on the losing side. I mean, in a rivalry aren't both teams supposed to win games? Boom!"
Steve Hand increased his goal scoring streak to two games after tapping a slap pass from Odell home. But that wasn't what had reporters talking about the captain after the game. Late in the third, with the score 8-1, a puck was fired into the Soviet zone at about shoulder height. Hand batted the puck out of the air, deflecting it straight up in front of him, and then batted it a second time sending the puck back into the Shocker end.
"I used to play baseball," Hand said after the game, pausing to spit some of his chewing tobacco. "Bud Selig asked me to help out the Mets this season, but I said 'listen here Buddy, I got one team and one team only, the Red Army. So you can take that no salary cap mumbo jumbo and stick a syringe up your ass cause there's no way in hell I'm missing a ten o'clock Tuesday night game with my Comrades.' Well, actually I didn't talk to him, per se, but I did email him. He never actually asked me to play, or contacted me in any way, I initiated the exchange, but you get my drift. Red Army is more important to me than the Mets."
"Fuck you, guy," Hoefer said, as he kicked Steve.
Ben Breiterman would tack on his second goal of the game late in regulation to make the score 9-1. "Hookers are on me tonight, boys!" Breiterman said as he called his favorite sex line 1-800-GRANDMA.
For the first time in a while, the Red Army blew a team out. It was a game where 7/8 of the skaters scored for the Red Army. A game where 87.5% of skaters potted at least a point for the Comrades. A game where Breiterman, Hand, Hendricks, Hoefer, Horton, Lotocki, and Odell all had their names appear on the scoresheet. A game that years from now will be referred to as the night that almost everyone was awesome. Yes folks, it was a night to remember.
THREE STARS:
3: Not Pat
2: Not Pat
1: Not Pat
The scoring was started by Scott Hoefer, who just a few minutes into the game took a pass from Mark Hendricks and fired a hard wrist shot that beat the goalie five hole. With his third goal on the campaign, Hoefer has now eclipsed his goal total of all of last season.
"The goalie was slow going down so there was some space there," Scott Hoefer said. Still, the highlight of Hoefer's game was his string of three consecutive shot blocks while shorthanded in the opening frame. "He just kept firing the puck, it would hit my skates or shinguards and go back to him, and he would do it again. It probably happened about three or four times in about five seconds. I felt like I was playing pong on Atari out there."
The only reason Hoefer's goal was not a game winning goal (and that backup goaltender Chris Celenski didn't record a shutout) was the Shockers responded the next shift with a goal of their own. It was their only strike of the game. Womp womp waaaaaaah....
The eventual game winning goal was scored about fifteen seconds later, with twelve minutes remaining in the first period. Brad Lotocki, continuing his solid play of late, finished off an odd man rush by potting another one five hole.
"Five hole all day baby! Bear Calalry rawwwwr!" Lotocki then started a fire by rubbing two Allen wrenches together and headed into the parking lot equipped with a hand carved spear in search for a meal.
Ben Breiterman ended his goalless drought (anyone could have ended a goalless drought tonight... wait) by scoring his first of the season on a snap shot that beat the goalie far side. Later, on the same shift, Tony Horton jammed home a rebound on the doorstep after Hendricks was denied.
"I just get in there and do my thing," Horton told reporters after the game. "They were hacking and whacking at me all night, but if you are going to take this big rig down, you're going to need FDR at the helm."
The period ended 4-1, and the mantra on the bench was don't give up.
"We talked about how no lead is safe in this league, so we just wanted to keep bringing it to them," Ryan Odell said. "I just didn't expect it to be that easy."
Odell entered the period as the only Soviet yet to score a goal this season. He quickly ended that. After receiving a backdoor feed from Hendricks, Odell tipped it home. Just like that, on the fifth game of the season, every single Soviet skater had scored a goal. The way things were going in though it would be almost impossible for anyone not to score.
Hendricks scored a pair for himself in the period, both goals coming a combined 11 inches from the goal line. One on a backhand where he tripped over the goalie and one short side at zero angle where he almost was accidentally defended by Horton.
"I always love scoring," Hendricks said, "but when it's against these guys, it just feels so much better. We all know my feelings about this team and how some of them are dirty bastards that are worse than cancer AIDS, but at the end of the day, Loges can hook and hold and try to cheapshot all he wants, it seems like he always ends up on the losing side. I mean, in a rivalry aren't both teams supposed to win games? Boom!"
Steve Hand increased his goal scoring streak to two games after tapping a slap pass from Odell home. But that wasn't what had reporters talking about the captain after the game. Late in the third, with the score 8-1, a puck was fired into the Soviet zone at about shoulder height. Hand batted the puck out of the air, deflecting it straight up in front of him, and then batted it a second time sending the puck back into the Shocker end.
"I used to play baseball," Hand said after the game, pausing to spit some of his chewing tobacco. "Bud Selig asked me to help out the Mets this season, but I said 'listen here Buddy, I got one team and one team only, the Red Army. So you can take that no salary cap mumbo jumbo and stick a syringe up your ass cause there's no way in hell I'm missing a ten o'clock Tuesday night game with my Comrades.' Well, actually I didn't talk to him, per se, but I did email him. He never actually asked me to play, or contacted me in any way, I initiated the exchange, but you get my drift. Red Army is more important to me than the Mets."
"Fuck you, guy," Hoefer said, as he kicked Steve.
Ben Breiterman would tack on his second goal of the game late in regulation to make the score 9-1. "Hookers are on me tonight, boys!" Breiterman said as he called his favorite sex line 1-800-GRANDMA.
For the first time in a while, the Red Army blew a team out. It was a game where 7/8 of the skaters scored for the Red Army. A game where 87.5% of skaters potted at least a point for the Comrades. A game where Breiterman, Hand, Hendricks, Hoefer, Horton, Lotocki, and Odell all had their names appear on the scoresheet. A game that years from now will be referred to as the night that almost everyone was awesome. Yes folks, it was a night to remember.
THREE STARS:
3: Not Pat
2: Not Pat
1: Not Pat
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Domestic Abuse: Mother Russia Beats Mad Dads
The Red Army looked like its old self last Sunday, pulling ahead in the third period to win a game that many thought shouldn't have been so close. Still, two points is two points, a win is a win, and the line juggling worked out. While there is (much) room for improvement, the Soviets still played well enough when it counted most, and for now, that is making people happy.
"We definitely had break downs during the game," Captain Steve Hand said, who finished with a goal and an assist. "But we also stepped it up at times. It was back and forth action, I don't think any team ever lead by more than two. Though, we did get off to a rocky start and that is something that was addressed on the bench."
The captain was referring to the two early goals allowed on Sunday. The game was not 90 seconds old before the Mad Dads had pierced Andy Schram twice. The line of Pat King and Hand seemed to be off to a slow start, and had some people already doubting the value of the pair.
"Yeah, we were used to seeing Pat and Mark out there to start the game," Ben Breiterman told reporters. "They seemed to have Labia magic and could usually generate chances and set the tempo. But we were just back on our heels that first shift. Those guys definitely rebounded though. I mean, you know the saying, just take it one shift at a time. It's true, in every facet of life really. Take it one step at a time, one Baltimore hooker at a time, one beer bong of absinthe at a time, one line of mercury based cocaine at a time, one syringe of rocket fuel laced heroine at a time, one tattoo of that Baltimore Hooker's initials on your upper back at a time. Man, this weekend was crazy."
The Mad Dad's early advantage, unlike their fatherly fury, was short lived. Mark Hendricks and Tony Horton scored back to back beauties to knot the score at two.
"With Mark, he draws people to him," Horton said. "I knew if I got open I would get the puck. It's easy to play with him because we both know our roles."
Hendricks echoed his new linemate's sentiments.
"We definitely worked well together. Tony, for a big guy, can get open pretty easily. He doesn't miss many in tight chances. He also is a big time net presence, and that was something I think that Pat and I lacked. So there are some adjustments I'm making. Luckily, both Tony and Pat are pretty good at being the third man back, so I am still able to poach a bit for that long stretch pass."
King, whose emergence as a scoring threat last season prompted the line change, showed that he was more than capable of carrying a line. He gave the Comrades their first lead of the game later in the period when he fired a perfectly placed wrister top shelf where Mommy hides the Kahlua.
The lead was squandered as the Mad Dads stormed back for back to back goals to end the period 4-3.
"It was no secret," Hoefer said, "Andy didn't have his best period. He missed warm-ups so he was pretty cold. Still, we knew he would rebound and we could keep up the pressure. On defense I thought the three of us were doing pretty well back there so we just kept preaching more of the same. Pucks out of the zone and be smart when joining the rush."
In the second period, as expected, Andy settled down. He made a few early saves and was more calm with the puck. After a few minutes of scoreless action, the Soviets were rewarded a power play. They cashed in. King fed a pass down low to Hoefer, who had activated from the point, and the defensive defensman suddenly turned offensive defenseman wasted no time in sending a quick cross crease pass to Hand. The puck ricocheted off a defensman, the goalie, and Hand's skate before crossing the goal line.
It was 4-4, and the Red Army's goal scorers: all four of their forwards.
Again, the Mad Dads would take the lead. Again, King's line responded. This time, the King called his own number for the second time, picking a corner on a loose rebound he collected in the slot. The shot, his patented top shelf wrister where Mommy hides the vibrator (these were some rightfully mad Dads) beat Celenski high glove.
Hendricks, not to be outdone by his old linemate, got reacquainted with the scoresheet on a beautiful give and go with Brad Lotocki. Hendricks raced up the right wing and dished a pass over to Lotocki, who one timed a pass back to the unsuspecting Hendricks. Hendricks, stumbling over an errant Celenski poke check, caught the pass and buried the shot into a gaping 6 X 4 twine. Hendricks Hendricks Hendricks.
"I've been playing with Lotocki for the better part of a decade now, and I know he loves those quick one touch passes on rushes," Hendricks said. "I'm not sure why I wasn't able to catch it easier, but it certainly made for the scariest empty net goal of my life. I was 99% sure I was going to hit iron. Would have ruined my Christmas."
The Mad Dads rallied one last time in the dying seconds of the middle frame, scoring a controversial goal that may or may not have been batted down with a high stick. The play was reviewed in Toronto, but the angles shown on the Sportsplex security cameras only revealed statutory rape in the upstairs female bathroom between a coach and his U18 girl's team star goalie. The goal counted and the game became a 15 minute contest.
"I felt like I played better that period," Schram said, "And Mark and I talked at the start of the third about how it was just a one period game. I think I feel better as the game goes on. I definitely would have felt better if I had taken that second pregame dump, that is for sure."
The final frame went almost seven minutes without a goal, then the Hendricks Horton line struck again. The two cycled in the corner and as Hendricks circled the net, two men were focusing on Horton, allowing Lotocki to sneak back door. Before you can say "Well slap my face and call me Barbara" the puck was on Lotocki's blade and then in the net.
"Bear Cavalry! Rawwwwr!" Lotocki yelled, hopping on his his bear with Renee and riding off into the sunset, presumably to more mountains.
The Hendricks and Horton combo was not done. Hendricks deked through half of humanity and deposited his hat trick tally late in the game to give the Soviets some Erin Esurance, and Horton made the Mad Dads sterile with his empty net goal. It wasn't easy, but they got the win.
"I think the lines worked tonight," King told reporters after the game, smoking his infamous victory blunt which is made of the finest Peruvian herb and wrapped in hundred dollar euros. "We clicked, they clicked... I think we have line 1 and line 1a right now. That's what good teams have."
THREE STARS:
3: Brad Lotocki
2: Mark Hendricks
1: Pat King
"We definitely had break downs during the game," Captain Steve Hand said, who finished with a goal and an assist. "But we also stepped it up at times. It was back and forth action, I don't think any team ever lead by more than two. Though, we did get off to a rocky start and that is something that was addressed on the bench."
The captain was referring to the two early goals allowed on Sunday. The game was not 90 seconds old before the Mad Dads had pierced Andy Schram twice. The line of Pat King and Hand seemed to be off to a slow start, and had some people already doubting the value of the pair.
"Yeah, we were used to seeing Pat and Mark out there to start the game," Ben Breiterman told reporters. "They seemed to have Labia magic and could usually generate chances and set the tempo. But we were just back on our heels that first shift. Those guys definitely rebounded though. I mean, you know the saying, just take it one shift at a time. It's true, in every facet of life really. Take it one step at a time, one Baltimore hooker at a time, one beer bong of absinthe at a time, one line of mercury based cocaine at a time, one syringe of rocket fuel laced heroine at a time, one tattoo of that Baltimore Hooker's initials on your upper back at a time. Man, this weekend was crazy."
The Mad Dad's early advantage, unlike their fatherly fury, was short lived. Mark Hendricks and Tony Horton scored back to back beauties to knot the score at two.
"With Mark, he draws people to him," Horton said. "I knew if I got open I would get the puck. It's easy to play with him because we both know our roles."
Hendricks echoed his new linemate's sentiments.
"We definitely worked well together. Tony, for a big guy, can get open pretty easily. He doesn't miss many in tight chances. He also is a big time net presence, and that was something I think that Pat and I lacked. So there are some adjustments I'm making. Luckily, both Tony and Pat are pretty good at being the third man back, so I am still able to poach a bit for that long stretch pass."
King, whose emergence as a scoring threat last season prompted the line change, showed that he was more than capable of carrying a line. He gave the Comrades their first lead of the game later in the period when he fired a perfectly placed wrister top shelf where Mommy hides the Kahlua.
The lead was squandered as the Mad Dads stormed back for back to back goals to end the period 4-3.
"It was no secret," Hoefer said, "Andy didn't have his best period. He missed warm-ups so he was pretty cold. Still, we knew he would rebound and we could keep up the pressure. On defense I thought the three of us were doing pretty well back there so we just kept preaching more of the same. Pucks out of the zone and be smart when joining the rush."
In the second period, as expected, Andy settled down. He made a few early saves and was more calm with the puck. After a few minutes of scoreless action, the Soviets were rewarded a power play. They cashed in. King fed a pass down low to Hoefer, who had activated from the point, and the defensive defensman suddenly turned offensive defenseman wasted no time in sending a quick cross crease pass to Hand. The puck ricocheted off a defensman, the goalie, and Hand's skate before crossing the goal line.
It was 4-4, and the Red Army's goal scorers: all four of their forwards.
Again, the Mad Dads would take the lead. Again, King's line responded. This time, the King called his own number for the second time, picking a corner on a loose rebound he collected in the slot. The shot, his patented top shelf wrister where Mommy hides the vibrator (these were some rightfully mad Dads) beat Celenski high glove.
Hendricks, not to be outdone by his old linemate, got reacquainted with the scoresheet on a beautiful give and go with Brad Lotocki. Hendricks raced up the right wing and dished a pass over to Lotocki, who one timed a pass back to the unsuspecting Hendricks. Hendricks, stumbling over an errant Celenski poke check, caught the pass and buried the shot into a gaping 6 X 4 twine. Hendricks Hendricks Hendricks.
"I've been playing with Lotocki for the better part of a decade now, and I know he loves those quick one touch passes on rushes," Hendricks said. "I'm not sure why I wasn't able to catch it easier, but it certainly made for the scariest empty net goal of my life. I was 99% sure I was going to hit iron. Would have ruined my Christmas."
The Mad Dads rallied one last time in the dying seconds of the middle frame, scoring a controversial goal that may or may not have been batted down with a high stick. The play was reviewed in Toronto, but the angles shown on the Sportsplex security cameras only revealed statutory rape in the upstairs female bathroom between a coach and his U18 girl's team star goalie. The goal counted and the game became a 15 minute contest.
"I felt like I played better that period," Schram said, "And Mark and I talked at the start of the third about how it was just a one period game. I think I feel better as the game goes on. I definitely would have felt better if I had taken that second pregame dump, that is for sure."
The final frame went almost seven minutes without a goal, then the Hendricks Horton line struck again. The two cycled in the corner and as Hendricks circled the net, two men were focusing on Horton, allowing Lotocki to sneak back door. Before you can say "Well slap my face and call me Barbara" the puck was on Lotocki's blade and then in the net.
"Bear Cavalry! Rawwwwr!" Lotocki yelled, hopping on his his bear with Renee and riding off into the sunset, presumably to more mountains.
The Hendricks and Horton combo was not done. Hendricks deked through half of humanity and deposited his hat trick tally late in the game to give the Soviets some Erin Esurance, and Horton made the Mad Dads sterile with his empty net goal. It wasn't easy, but they got the win.
"I think the lines worked tonight," King told reporters after the game, smoking his infamous victory blunt which is made of the finest Peruvian herb and wrapped in hundred dollar euros. "We clicked, they clicked... I think we have line 1 and line 1a right now. That's what good teams have."
THREE STARS:
3: Brad Lotocki
2: Mark Hendricks
1: Pat King
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Writing About Losing Not As Fun As Writing About Winning, Reports Writer
It's 2 PM on a Sunday. I'm sitting on my couch watching the Redskins put up a fight against the heavily favored Eagles. Still, instead of thinking about how awesome it is anytime a team from DC beats a team from Philly, my mind is bogged down by the struggles of another local team. A team that, though their franchise history is marred with losing records and untimely penalties, had turned the corner and righted the proverbial ship recently, bringing new hope to fans that this season, unlike all other seasons past, could be the season. I'm of course referring to Mother Russia's Boys.
As you may have noticed, we here at the R.A.D. have been lax in our reporting this season. The reason is simple, and the title of this article points it out, writing about losing is not as much fun. After winning 11 games straight to end last fall's season and kicking off this season with a thrilling one goal victory, the Red Army has dropped two straight games. Maybe we became spoiled in accepting every night to be a two point night. Maybe we became unfazed at late deficits and figured that nothing short of an act from God could stop the Soviets from tying the game late and eventually winning in the extra session. Maybe we got cocky. Whatever the reason is, it's time to face the facts. The Red Army is losing. Rome is burning. And the Eagles just kicked a field goal to take the lead into halftime. Thank God for Eric Fehr and Nikky B, right guys?
So, let's get this over with. Quick recap of last week's thrilling, heart breaking, deja vu tilt with Prestige Worldwide. Some notes about a game that is all too fresh in the memories of Comrades everywhere:
As you may have noticed, we here at the R.A.D. have been lax in our reporting this season. The reason is simple, and the title of this article points it out, writing about losing is not as much fun. After winning 11 games straight to end last fall's season and kicking off this season with a thrilling one goal victory, the Red Army has dropped two straight games. Maybe we became spoiled in accepting every night to be a two point night. Maybe we became unfazed at late deficits and figured that nothing short of an act from God could stop the Soviets from tying the game late and eventually winning in the extra session. Maybe we got cocky. Whatever the reason is, it's time to face the facts. The Red Army is losing. Rome is burning. And the Eagles just kicked a field goal to take the lead into halftime. Thank God for Eric Fehr and Nikky B, right guys?
So, let's get this over with. Quick recap of last week's thrilling, heart breaking, deja vu tilt with Prestige Worldwide. Some notes about a game that is all too fresh in the memories of Comrades everywhere:
- With a different goalie I think the Red Army wins. Then again, how many times has that been said? Andy Schram is back in net tonight (cue sigh of relief)
- Mark Hendricks played great. That end to end rush to tie the game in the last minute of regulation was electric. Still, we've seen him light up PW before only to be completely shut down in the playoffs. If these two teams meet again in the postseason, someone else better find how to dent the twine cause #18 ain't having that much time again.
- Mark's brothers' first game back since college... eh. Beege is a solid defender who is too cautious when jumping up in the play (and that backdoor tap in miss was pretty bad) and Neal, for reasons unknown, stops skating when he has the puck. We'll blame it on the rust. It was still great to see some more wheelers and dealers out there.
- Scott Hoefer for surprise player of the year? Two goals on what, three shots so far? Keep firing. Also, arguably the best defenseman in the game.
- Pat King didn't have his best performance of the year, and all signs in practice this week point to the dissemblance of the Labia line. I think we'll see a return of it sometime in the future, but for now, that line's luck seems to have dried up.
- Ryan Odell might be the most frustrating player to watch for fans, and has a clear case of MG52 syndrome. Fans love him for his offensive prowess, but hate him for the mistakes he makes. When he plays well, he plays real well. When he plays poorly, you get the point. He's out tonight with a leg injury. Get well soon Brodell.
- Tony Horton and Steve Hand play well when they have the puck. When they chase the puck, not so much. The sooner they realize that they are difficult to defend because of their size and hold onto the puck longer instead of making errant passes, the sooner they become legit offensive threats every shift.
- Brad Lotocki and Ben Breiterman are good.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Red Army Opens Season With a Win
The Red Army out skated, out hustled, outworked, and out shot the Jeff Schultz Experience tonight. Yes, Mother Russia was dominant in nearly every facet of the game, but a hot goalie kept the JSE in the game and barely allowed the Soviets to eke out a win to start the season. I have to be quick tonight, but here are some post game notes.
THREE STARS
3: Scott Hoefer
2: Tony Horton
1: Andy Schram
- I'll take goals from Mark Hendricks, Pat King, Tony Horton, and Steve Hand every night. If all four of them score every night, I like the chances of winning night in and night out.
- Speaking of goals, Hand's falling down roofer was a thing of beauty. Talk about putting one top shelf where momma hides the banana daiquiri mix.
- Continuing with goals, who guessed Tony Horton would get the GWG tonight? Who guessed that he would deke a guy in his own zone before getting on his horse for an end to end to score that GWG?
- Scott Hoefer played awesome. Drew a penalty, fired a bunch of shots on goal (a few rang the iron), and was solid defensively. Can't ask for much more from a guy.
- Mark Hendricks and Pat King were flying out there, and though they connected for three goals, anyone else think there was some rust? I think 3 tallies is going to be considered a low mark for them this season.
- Ryan Odell saw a lot of minutes tonight and created a lot of chances. He still has the knack to be too cute at times, but his spin-a-rama is clicking at around 85% effective and hot damn if it doesn't look pretty.
Mountain manPioneerJohnny AppleseedBrad Lotocki was solid out there. His stability on the back end is definitely noticed out therein the canyonin the great plainsat the summiton the rink.- Andy Schram single handedly kept the Comrades in it tonight for long stretches of the game. He was charged and found guilty of left handed larceny on more than one occasion.
- Ben Breiterman lost his car key and was unable to retrieve his equipment from his trunk. That is his bullet point for the night.
THREE STARS
3: Scott Hoefer
2: Tony Horton
1: Andy Schram
November 15, 2009: The First Night of the Championship Season?
In a little more than two hours, the Red Army laces up the skates for their first game since suffering a painful elimination at the hands of Prestige Worldwide to end their season. The tears have since dried and the wounds healed... the memories however, are far from faded. Yes, we all remember the Fall 2009 Red Army season. A season that began with moderate expectations, saw a big free agent signing, featured a ridonkulous career year for a player, and had a streak that will likely never be broken. Ahhh.... so let's up the expectations, shall we?
First, before I break down a few keys to the season, I should catch everyone up to date on the roster and salary cap information. There was only one move for the Comrades this offseason. Jerrod Funk is out and Brad Lotocki is in. Also, in the true fashion of communism, all players will be receiving the same salary of $222,000. With ten players on the roster, that makes the Soviets the team with the lowest payroll in the league, but does leave the squad with considerable cap space ($42.7 million) if they want to bring someone in for the playoff push.
Caught up? Good.
Five keys
1) We must protect this Kraus! The defense must play to their potential. One glance at the roster and it isn't difficult to see that there is no shortage of solid defensemen on this team. But the defensive responsibilities shouldn't all fall on the arthritic shoulders of Hoefer and company. No, offensemen need to backcheck as well and provide targets for outlet passes. Develop these habits early.
2) Special teams. This is a tough one to make as a key, because without practice, the power play and penalty kill really just come down to who is there, who has energy, and who isn't in the box. While I could break it down and say that the PK is probably the bigger problem here, I'll simplify things by stating this: draw more penalties than you commit, score more on the PP than you surrender on the PK. Sounds simple, right?
3) Discipline. Continuing with that thought, wouldn't it have been nice to play the final 90 seconds of the season last autumn at even strength? Don't take dumb penalties.
4) Reign supreme. For several seasons there had only been one solidified goal scorer on the Red Army, but if the play of Pat King continues to improve, that notion can be thrown out the window. Even with missing four games last season, #57 still flirted with a twenty goal campaign. His offensive prowess showed and there was more chemistry between him and Hendricks than in a high school science hallway. Keep it going Hat-trick Patrick, keep it going.
5) Play smart. Plain and simple.
Expectations...
Just one for this category: a championship.
So, there it is. It all starts tonight at 9. And remember, there is still a REGULAR SEASON winning streak of 10 games in tact. Let's keep that going, eh?
First, before I break down a few keys to the season, I should catch everyone up to date on the roster and salary cap information. There was only one move for the Comrades this offseason. Jerrod Funk is out and Brad Lotocki is in. Also, in the true fashion of communism, all players will be receiving the same salary of $222,000. With ten players on the roster, that makes the Soviets the team with the lowest payroll in the league, but does leave the squad with considerable cap space ($42.7 million) if they want to bring someone in for the playoff push.
Caught up? Good.
Five keys
1) We must protect this Kraus! The defense must play to their potential. One glance at the roster and it isn't difficult to see that there is no shortage of solid defensemen on this team. But the defensive responsibilities shouldn't all fall on the arthritic shoulders of Hoefer and company. No, offensemen need to backcheck as well and provide targets for outlet passes. Develop these habits early.
2) Special teams. This is a tough one to make as a key, because without practice, the power play and penalty kill really just come down to who is there, who has energy, and who isn't in the box. While I could break it down and say that the PK is probably the bigger problem here, I'll simplify things by stating this: draw more penalties than you commit, score more on the PP than you surrender on the PK. Sounds simple, right?
3) Discipline. Continuing with that thought, wouldn't it have been nice to play the final 90 seconds of the season last autumn at even strength? Don't take dumb penalties.
4) Reign supreme. For several seasons there had only been one solidified goal scorer on the Red Army, but if the play of Pat King continues to improve, that notion can be thrown out the window. Even with missing four games last season, #57 still flirted with a twenty goal campaign. His offensive prowess showed and there was more chemistry between him and Hendricks than in a high school science hallway. Keep it going Hat-trick Patrick, keep it going.
5) Play smart. Plain and simple.
Expectations...
Just one for this category: a championship.
So, there it is. It all starts tonight at 9. And remember, there is still a REGULAR SEASON winning streak of 10 games in tact. Let's keep that going, eh?
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