Jerrod Funk You

Perhaps no player on Mother Russia is enjoying a better season than Jerrod Funk. The offensive defenseman, or defensive offenseman, has been quite potent on both the offensive and defensive fronts. He has racked up five goals and five assists in four games, and has emerged as a star capable of leading this team to greatness.

"The past few seasons have been tough." Funk told me while removing his skates after practice this morning. "I mean, sometimes you hate coming to the rink when you know you are going to get killed. But recently we're winning games we never would have won in the past. We're not giving up goals in the last minutes of periods, we're scoring them."

Scoring indeed. Funk notched two in Tuesday's thriller over the Grenades. His ability to find space and use his speed to fly by defenders makes him a force, and it opens up more room for other skaters. "Yeah I love playing with Jerrod." Mark said, sitting comfortably in his wheelchair. "When he gets the puck, he goes. We probably generate three or four odd man rushes a game just by plays that he makes. Plus, that guy has a hot girlfriend. How come she doesn't come to the games?"

Captain Hand, who is always a tough one to please, did have one grievance with the Funk master flex. "He always texts me before games and asks 'how many'. What difference does it make, we need him. Plus, I don't think he has Verizon, cause he works at Sprint. Those are text messages in my messaging plan I could be sending to my girlfriend (Cara). I don't have as many texts left at the end of the month when I'm trying to score, cause I've spent them all sending them to Jerrod trying to get him to score."

Jerrod and company face off against the Cryptic Stench on Sunday. Now I am still on the fence on this issue, but some fans feel that this matchup could be a potential playoff matchup. Regardless, it will be a good measuring stick to see where the soviets are. That's it from me today, don't let it get stale commies.

Mark Hendricks: Lanky, Irish Machine Breaks Down, Requires Repair From Time to Time

Mark Hendricks didn't practice today and is believed to be recovering from a busy week. "I'm not injured, just really sore. I can't jerk one out without pulling something." Mark, who played in three hard fought games last night, is a pussy according to some of his teammates. "Three games? Boo fucking hoo." Captain Steve Hand said. "I've been busting my ass all season and this clown thinks he can miss practice because of a little fatigue? Not on my watch."

Some teammates were more understanding. "It's alright if he is a little bit banged up. Is he walking with a limp? Cause that would probably mean he wouldn't be able to run as fast if he were getting chased by someone who was hungry. Wait, that came out wrong. If he is limping, he probably wouldn't be able to skate faster than the defense, yeah, that's what I meant to say." A salivating Tony commented afterwards.

I'll update if any news breaks tomorrow, though it is expected to be a quiet day as players were given the day off to drink at happy hour.

FUCK YEAH!

I've covered this team through the good years and the bad. In both eras there have been good games and bad games. Fans will argue whether or not this was a good game in a good year or a great fucking game in a good year, I vote the latter. That was the most inspired effort I have seen since Mark tried to get in Chelsea's pants two weeks ago. But before I get to high on them and continue the praise, lets get to the- ya know what, fuck it, let's praise the fuck out of 'em.

Where to start, where to start? How about the number one star of the game: Pat King. He was told just prior to game time that he would play defense. How did he respond? Two goals and a whole lot of poke checking. "I was definitely nervous when Mark called me into the office and told me I was going to play back on D." An elated Pat told reporters afterwards. "I mean, I haven't played back since the summer. But wow, I mean to get that one early that just trickled in, that was a bonus and I was happy to be on the scoresheet. But then to get a power play goal in the slot... well that was just butter."

Pat wasn't the only soviet to score two goals tonight, both Jerrod and Brad also netted a pair. "Man I am exhausted, I had a double header right before this game but I decided to come out and give it my all." "Brad said. "By the way has anybody seen my cup? It is raggedy, reeks of ball sweat, and has the appearance of AIDS." Jerrod, the number two star of the night, was also talkative in the locker room afterwards. "Fuck yeah mother fucker! This boat engine make noise mother fucker!"

How about the players that didn't appear on the score sheet? Bryan "heat seeking missile" Lynch was a force, creating turnovers and havoc for the Grenades all night. Steve Hand, whose stifling defense earned him the 3rd star of the night, spoke about the team's commitment to the system. "Look, we play a system. When we stick to the system we are golden. When we don't we get scrambled and end up chasing too much. The system is everything. What is the system? I can't reveal that information. See I'm like the Mormon church, it's better that you don't know much. But I can tell you this, just to keep the Mormon analogy going, our "mission" was to win. We "converted" on our chances and Kraus was our "savior". "Jesus" tap dancing "Christ" I am happy. Wow, I'm aroused too! Look at this boner! Seriously look at it!" The boner, which was nicknamed the boner of victory, was not available for comment.

Chris Duhaime and Mark Hendricks each chipped in with an assist. I repeat, on a night where Mother Russia earned two points in the standings, Mark and Chris supplied two points of offense, and both were assists. How's that for secondary scoring? "I think I played more the role of the coach tonight." Mark said. "I was yelling on the bench, directing traffic, talking to people, and making sure everybody was on the same page. I even lost my voice in the end there, but I feel great. I mean really, I am pumped." Asked if he had a career in coaching once his playing days are over, Mark supplied this gem: "Hell no, I score goals and bitches. I ain't no hoochie. Although a mustache might look good on me."

Tony Horton also tallied an assist to close out the scoresheet. Tony's net presence was huge, just like his frame. I mean that guy is big. Seriously, does he live near a nuclear power plant? Does he eat smaller people for meals? If one of his limbs were chopped off would it instantly regenerate into a bigger more muscular limb? If that was the case should the Red Army begin chopping off Tony's limbs? Would he fight them? Would he kill them? Would he cook them in a a cauldron and grow more? Who knows, all I know is he is a big fucking rig.

So that wraps it up here at Dulles. Great game, great action. As usual Andy is loitering around, naked. If that is his attempt to get an interview, well, it's quite pathetic. It looks like a turtleneck. Over and out commies, enjoy your victory boners.

Scissor Me Timbers 7, Red Army Less Than 7

It was a game of give and take. A game of ebb and flow. It featured highlight reel goals, great saves, and big hits. It also featured soft goals, skaters falling on phantom banana peels, and shanked one timers. It was a game of "anything you can do, I can do better...and then shit my pants." It was beautiful at times and stinky at others. It was a game that Mother Russia coulda, shoulda, and woulda won, but ultimately didn't.

Let's take a look at the positives, and there were a lot of them.
-The impressive defensive pairings of Jerrod/Tony and Jamie/Andy. I'm sure we all groaned a little bit when we didn't see Brad back there, but wow, that was a shut down performance if I've ever seen one.
-The first goalie for the Red Army.
-Mark's hat trick, more specifically the first goal, where he burst down the wing and fired top shelf right where mommy hides the peanut butter.
-Mark's hat trick, more specifically the second goal, where he took a great feed form Jerrod and one timed a shot past the goalie.
-Mark's hat trick, more specifically the third goal, where he dangled and dangled until he couldn't dangle anymore, and somehow fired a shot through 6 legs that found the twine.
-Jerrod, that guy is a beast.
-Andy's hit. Just wow.
-Steve is looking faster and faster on skates. If his hands catch up to his feet, we could be looking at a 15-20 goal scorer.

The Negatives:
-Goaltending. As an ex-goalie, I'm always the last one to throw the netminder under the bus, but last night is a game Kraus wants back. If you look at his stats for last night, he faced 15 shots, made 11 saves, and gave up 5 goals. Those numbers don't add up, right? That's because one shot wasn't going in, and he made like Thomas Holmstrom and tipped that bad boy in. Terrible.
-Penalties. Andy's slash was barbaric, Jerrod's trip marginal, and Chris's roughing questionable. But Kraus's unsportsmanlike was stupid. Don't break your stick in a two goal game. It ain't over til the fat lady sings.
-Powerplay organization. With 2:30 to play, the soviets were awarded a power play. Not sure if there was confusion on the bench or not, but it would have been better served to have a big body in front, such as Andy, Steve, or Tony, and then shooters up top like Mark, Jerrod, Jamie, or Chris. With Tony at the point, he wasn't given enough time to unload his shot, and Mother Russia didn't generate much offense. Except for one golden chance...
-Mark's miss. We all love #18 because he rarely misses, but when he misses, he misses big. Inexcusable.
-Officiating? Hmmm, who thought Scissor Me Timbers got away with taking some liberties on the commies?


So where do we go from here? Well, tomorrow is another game. Not sure if the Red Army will be with Mark or Brad, as they both have a double header earlier in the night. But if Mother Russia plays with the same desire they did last night, don't count them out of any game.

PLAYER QUOTES:
-A new feature here at RAD, I'll now post a line or quote from each player's thoughts after the game.

"I thought the effort was there, the offense played well, the defense played well, our special teams played well... am I forgetting anybody? There isn't one position responsible for keeping the puck out of the net is there. Cause that position didn't exist tonight! Heyooo! Just kidding, he'll make it up to us, he better. He...better."
-Jerrod Funk

"We played great as a unit I thought. A few lapses here and there but that was a sound game. We definitely had a collective stew going."
-Mark Hendricks

"I wasn't there."
-Brad Lotocki

"Bahhh man I shoulda buried one there but I'll get it next time. (Head butts a reporter). Same, silly, PEP."
-Jamie Simek

"Where are my German boys!"
-Tony Horton

"I am going to kill the next person that hooks me."
-Chris Duhaime

"Is that a banana!?!?!"
-Steve Hand

I think I got everybody.

Tony Horton: "I'm Bigger Than Most People"

In the 2004 entry draft there weren't many big bodies available. In a game where speed reigns supreme, size doesn't factor into the minds of general managers as much as it did in the old days. It was surprising then, when GM at the time, Shea O'Toole, selected Tony Horton with his first pick and 6th overall. While the fans had their doubts, after two solid seasons and a good start to this year, O'Toole's pick is looking better by the day.

"Maybe it's the skating, or having more confidence when I get the puck, but I'm feeling better and stronger each game." Tony said. "Faster, harder, stronger, better, you can be my black Kate Moss." An exuberant Kanye said after.

Tony's stats don't dazzle, but his play along the boards has earned him the nickname "Big Fucking Rig" from many of his teammates. The BFR is able to use his size to his advantage and out muscle many of the smaller players. Like a blood thirsty German ogre pillaging a quaint town on the outskirts of Strasburg, Germany, Tony fights for loose pucks and is able to create havoc in front of the net. He is a handful for any village lacking basic weaponry defenders.

Tony has ambitions outside of the blue rink though. Like his father, Tim, he someday hopes to start a chain of restaurants across the greater northeast region of America that would offer delicious bagels, donuts, and juices. "I've always considered myself an entrepreneur. Whether or not Tony Horton's ever takes off remains to be unseen, but with today's economic situation people need blueberry muffins more than ever."

Tonight, Tony and company faceoff against Scissor Me Timbers. Tony for the first time in his career is averaging a point per game with four points (3g, 1a) in four games. But what people really want to see is the BFR continue his work in front of the net and create shooting lanes for the soviet snipers. "My mentor Brooks Laich always told me if you want money go to the bank, if you want bread go to the bakery, and if you want goals go to the net." Tony said while chuckling after the morning skate on Saturday. "And if you want the blood of fat cheeked German boys go to Strasburg."

Saturday Chat

Hey all, I'm sitting here in my living room watching Jerry Maguire, still very much hungover from a night of debauchery. But we have questions to get to, so let's start.


"What do you think of the Red Army's inconsistent play this season? As a fan it is frustrating to watch a team with budding talent make many of the same mistakes."
-Dan, Rockville.

I wouldn't classify this year's Red Army team as inconsistent yet. With a 2-1 record it's tough to call them anything but one game above .500. The one thing I think upsets a lot of fans is the energy level from shift to shift. One shift they're backchecking hard and the next shift no one is skating. I'm not sure if it's a leadership issue or not, but someone needs to keep a fire lit under their collective asses if they want to compete with the big dogs.

"What do you think of special teams this season? The power play lacks firepower but the penalty kill has been rock solid. Almost a total reversal from seasons past."
-Mikku, Finland.

The power play for years has been one of Mother Russia's biggest sources for goals. In seasons past, the soviets could run a unit of Mark, Beege, Brad, and Peter without disrupting line chemistry. Without a star studded lineup it is tough for the Red Army to stack a line. I think a good line to have out for power play would be Brad or Jerrod at the point, Mark and Jamie on the halfwalls (they love their seam passes) and Pat or Steve setting the screen. On the other hand, with the penalty kill, I think the unit is working because of the pressure on the point. By making the opposition pass more, pucks tend to bounce over sticks and Mother Russia can clear it. There's no reason to change anything there, as the adage goes: don't fix what ain't broke.

"Who is the most entertaining player to interview after games? And why doesn't Schram ever get interviewed?"
-Jackson, Sterling.

Mark and Steve are usually the most talkative. Lately with their post-game disagreements I've been able to print some funny one liners. Brad has been known to drop a mean line too. A lot of people have been wondering why Andy never gets an interview, and I'm hesitant to reveal the exact reason why. But I will say this, I will tell the reason why he doesn't get interviewed and give him a full in depth interview if he scores a hat trick this season. The ball is in his court.

"Which player parties the hardest?"
-Sarah, Franklin Farm Giant.

Steve, Andy, Pat, Tony, and Mark are all tied. Though, Pat can be a light weight.

"Who would you rather have as a goalie in the playoffs, Kraus or Spitz?
-Randy, Vienna.

Makes no difference, both can injure the other teams best forwards.

"Who do you think will lead the team in penalty minutes at season's end?
-Tom, Dulles.

Andy has been good for 2 pims a game, and Tony will chip in with a few slashes here and there. Mark has been taking a few penalties of the hooking variety lately. But my bet is Brad. It only takes one game for him to get a ten minute misconduct, 5 for fighting, 4 for roughing, and a game misconduct. He is a force to be reckoned with.


That's all the time I had for today. Make sure to keep emailing your questions to mhendric@gmu.edu. Remember, game tomorrow at 11. Keep it fresh, commies.

Morning Update

Mother Russia was given the day off today following last night's dominating performance. Not much happening on the hockey front today. I'll have a feature on one of the player's later on in the week. I've received some emails from fans wondering why I refuse to offer Andy Schram an interview, and that will also be the feature of a story later in the week. Remember if you have questions to email them to mhendric@gmu.edu and I can answer them in Friday's chat. Keep if fresh commies.

Red Army Wins as Coyotes Whimper, Urinate Themselves

Tonight's Red Army match featured something that previous games have lacked... for years: offense. Like a sexually frustrated man, Red Army cranked many loads out over the canines in what can only be described as the grossest analogy in years. The scoring was lead by Hendricks, who netted five points (2g, 3a), while Horton, Hand, and Funk all enjoyed 3 point nights.

"I'm still a little rusty after the surgery." Hand said after the game. "But luckily I got on the board early and then things just started rolling. It was nice to get back into the groove. I'm not sure if you are aware but I have 3 goals in 2 games. I think that's a record pace. Had you noticed? I mean I think you guys are pretty good with stats usually but I'm just pointing it out." Simek was not as pleased with the effort tonight. "One fucking point?!? One point!?!"

Hendricks and Lotocki (2g) had each played a game just an hour prior to this game. "I'm glad we were able to make it here on time." A very sweaty Lotocki commented. "I mean, my car smells like shit." Hendricks, who earned the first star of the night and was awarded with 3 virgins, still had a few things to be unhappy with. "Okay, so you know on Steve's first goal, the give and go? Yeah, so I was thinking we could have had at least two more gives in there. I would have definitely let him be the go, but for him to not give and go on his own, I mean, does he know who I am. Nobody goes without giving to me. I'm like a prison guard and Steve shooting is like him urinating without asking me. Sure I'd let him take a piss, but I just want to be included in the equation." Hand's rebuttal was simple. "I backhand five hole bitches."

So it's a two point night here as I wrap it up here at the sportsplex. Everyone has vacated the arena, except for Schram, who is still loitering around obviously desperate for an interview. Sorry buddy, low on battery. Catch you on the flipside comrades.