Red Army Almost Pulls Off Stunning Upset

Five minutes before game time, two teams were engaged in drastically different pregame activities. The Grenades warmed up their goaltender with shots and skaters stretched to prepare for the Sunday evening skate. Opposite them was the Red Army, or what loosely resembled them. Only five players were there. Two of them hastily strapped goalie pads onto defenseman Tony Horton while the others skated idly passing the only puck that they had brought. Anyone watching would have thought this game was over before it began. Anyone watching... was in for the ride of their life.

The puck was dropped and the bench remained empty. It would stay that way all game. No help was coming. Yet somehow, with each attack the Grenades threw at Mother Russia, she was able to counter. The first goal of the game didn't come until over five minutes into the game. The Grenades slipped one past Tony. Moments later, on a beautiful drop pass from Pat, Mark was able to rip a wrist shot off the post and in. The game was tied, somehow. The Grenades pierced Tony one more time on his only soft goal of the game, and after the first period it was 2-1 Grenades. A score that left both teams scratching their heads.

"That first period was when we started to believe that maybe it wouldn't be a blowout." Forward Pat King said. "We were all thinking this would be a 12-1, 13-2 game. But Tony kept us in it and we started to play well together. We out-chanced them that first period. We just didn't know how much gas we'd have left in the tank for the second period."

Turns out there was lots of gas left in the tank. A few minutes into the period, after a kick save on a shot from Mark, Pat corralled the rebound and fired a shot top shelf. The score was 2-2. Moments later, Mark was fed a pass from Jerrod and flew down the wing behind the defense. His initial shot was saved, but Mark was able to fetch his own rebound and slip one short side on the goalie. The Red Army was ahead 3-2 in the second period, and the seed of doubt had been planted in the Grenades head. "That goal... was... huge." An exhausted Mark told reporters afterwards. "It really... motivated... hold on hold on (Mark began vomitting) Oh god... can you just interview me later?" The Grenades would knot the score at three a few minutes later. Yet, somehow, Red Army regained the lead on another Hendricks breakaway. After embarrassing and undressing two defenders, Mark waited out the goaltender and tucked it upstairs right where Mommy hides the baby Tylenol. Moments later the horn blared and the period ended. After 30 minutes of play, Mother Russia was beating the Grenades and hell was beginning to freeze over.

The third began all too soon, and the skating became harder. All of a sudden there wasn't enough oxygen in the world to fill up the deflated lungs of the Red Army, and a large part of rare power play was spent not moving, allowing the Grenades to hold the puck. With about ten minutes remaining, the Grenades fired a slapshot past Tony and tied the score at four. Less than a minute later, on a power play, the Grenades scored again. The dam was broken, this was surely the beginning of the unraveling of an incredible effort. There was no conceivable way that Mother Russia had one more trick up her sleeve.

She did.

Mark took a feed from Pat along the boards and unleashed a low shot that eluded the screened goalie, and with under five minutes to play, the game was tied. That is right. Forty minutes into a forty five minute game, with one team having over two full lines and the other just one and a rookie goaltender, the game was tied. It took the last five minutes of the game for the Grenades to put Mother Russia away. It wasn't because they were better, it wasn't because they were faster, it was because put simply, the soviets couldn't go any more. The Grenades potted two more goals, and the final buzzer rang. It was a 7-5 loss.

The locker room afterwards was quiet. It wasn't the usual chit chat about what went right or what went wrong. It was silent, a stunned, sort of disbelief silence. What had just transpired, the effort just put forth, was one that makes it onto the pages of Disney Scripts. No one was disappointed, no one was angry. Everyone was fatigued and exhausted, but there was pride- well deserved pride. Some of the soviets limped to their cars, and had aches in the muscles as they climbed the stairs to their house, but all of them rested well knowing that they played, quite frankly, awesome. If the game consisted of two twenty minute halves, they would have won. If they had one sub, just one sub, Mother Russia could have won... and it wouldn't have been close.

Red Army Hosts Auction to Benefit Sober Students

A few members from the Red Army participated in an auction yesterday to help raise money for college students unable to afford alcohol. Mark Hendricks, Steve Hand, Pat King, Andy Schram, and Tony Horton were all in attendance at the Martin's Landing Convention Center as various team items were auctioned off.

"I think it's great to be out here with the locals." Mark Hendricks said. "For years we've had great support, but this is the first time I can say that I've given back to the community. It's a great cause too. So many college kids today, with the economy and the price of textbooks, just can't afford beer. It's sad to think about. But hopefully tonight, because of our actions, some 20 year old somewhere can stumble back to his dorm room and cook a microwavable pizza while blasting some Rage Against the Machine, ultimately pissing off his entire floor of exchange students. It's a beautiful feeling."

Captain Hand also recognized the importance of the evening. "Look, I'm not going to lie and say I couldn't afford beer in college. Fuck man, I'm drinking Santana Champ right now cause it's so crisp. I have been blessed by having booze and bitches in my presence at all times the past few years. But tonight, with the help of the Martin's Landing Convention Center, we were able to give back some of the wealth."

The items auctioned off varied from signed jerseys and pucks, to actual dates with the players. Tony Horton's jersey earned the highest bid of the night, at $4,500. "I was surprised when the bidding kept going higher and higher." A large Tony said afterwards. "I was kind of flattered. Especially after following Andy's jersey which was sold for a lot less ($2.29)." The highest bidder on the dating scene, well that title belonged to Pat King, who was visibly drunk throughout the entire evening. "Party!" An exuberant Pat yelled at his reflection in the women's bathroom mirror. "God damned I am on fire right now. Where the fuck are the urinals!?!"

The event raised $13,932.29 for beer money. Most of that money was collected by passing around a baseball cap. With a game tomorrow, one that will be played without Mark or Brad, the evening was a nice hiatus from the rigors of the season. Even the woman organizing the event, Kathy Roggins, said she knew the players had a good time. "Most of them were drunk, and I think one of them used all of the toilet paper in all of the bathrooms."

EDITORS NOTE: I forgot to mention that Jamie Simek also attended the gala.

Mad Dads Beat Mother Russia

The Mad Dad's, suffering from an exhausting day of work at that god forsaken job, scored the game winning goal less than a minute into overtime Thursday, dropping the Red Army's record to 3-3-1. The fathers, who were more peeved than usual, proceeded to pour themselves a stiff glass of whisky before removing their belts and trudging upstairs to teach their wives "a God damned lesson."

It was a game that featured ups and downs. Andy, who filled in as goalie for Kraus (1 game suspension for being a faux Canadian idiot) epitomized the ups and downs. After allowing a few soft goals, Andy was strong in the end. In the dying seconds of the third period he stood on his head, making two dazzling saves on the perturbed patriarchs. Though Andy was available for comment after the game, the Mad Dad's offered this, "Go to your fucking room!"

Brad and Mark tallied the most beautiful goal of the season to date, with a short handed marker in the second period. Mark took the puck up and used the patented watch-this-unnecessary-deke-through-my-legs move, before firing a backhander on goal. Celenski, who is the only member of his team to have not produced offspring, made the save but tried to play it immediately. Mark stripped the puck and passed it to Brad, who returned the puck for a one-timer. The initial save was made, but Brad slammed home the rebound. The goal, which earned the Labatt Blue play of the night, currently has zero youtube views.

"It was a good goal." Mark said. "I'm glad we got the point, that could prove to be huge later in the season. It's a wide open league right now and every point we can get, we want. Some points play hard to get, like certain women." He was interrupted by a passing Mad Dad who chimed in. "Your (woman) is playing hard to get? You gotta grab that (woman) by the neck and let her know who the boss is."

While the Angry Pops did take the two points, there were plenty of positives seen out there, including the play of the league's only Asian, Jamie Simek. "I definitely feel more confident when I get the puck now. I've been treating my body better too, and it's paying off. I always make sure to eat Brittany's weight in sushi before every game so that I am really utilising my ethnic powers. It is no secret, my people are great skaters. Apollo Ono? Heard of him? Oh no biggy, only the most Asian looking speed skater you've ever seen. And Michelle Kwan, yeah... I rest my case." Pat King also played a solid game and increased his point streak with an assist. "I'd just like to say that tonight, I painted the proverbial esophagus of the Mad Dad's defense. I was tearing it up. It's proverbial so you can print that right?"

Not every player was happy and throwing out fellatio analogies afterwards though. "I thought we played like shit." A frustrated Tony told reporters. "Any loss hurts, but we could have won tonight, and that hurts extra. The amount of pain I am feeling right now is irregular." Captain Steve shared his comrade's sentiments. "My skates are fucked up, so I'm just frustrated." He then threw a trashcan onto the indoor soccer field's playing surface, which was nothing out of the usual as another bonfire had been lit at midfield following a team Honduras' goal.

That's it for tonight. I'm still a bit tired from JMU this weekend and the incessant hitting on every girl that I did, but I'll recover. Make sure everyone keeps it fresh, don't let it ever get stale. Feel free to post on the comment section if you would like to request topics to be touched on. Later Soviets.