Red Army Hosts Auction to Benefit Sober Students

A few members from the Red Army participated in an auction yesterday to help raise money for college students unable to afford alcohol. Mark Hendricks, Steve Hand, Pat King, Andy Schram, and Tony Horton were all in attendance at the Martin's Landing Convention Center as various team items were auctioned off.

"I think it's great to be out here with the locals." Mark Hendricks said. "For years we've had great support, but this is the first time I can say that I've given back to the community. It's a great cause too. So many college kids today, with the economy and the price of textbooks, just can't afford beer. It's sad to think about. But hopefully tonight, because of our actions, some 20 year old somewhere can stumble back to his dorm room and cook a microwavable pizza while blasting some Rage Against the Machine, ultimately pissing off his entire floor of exchange students. It's a beautiful feeling."

Captain Hand also recognized the importance of the evening. "Look, I'm not going to lie and say I couldn't afford beer in college. Fuck man, I'm drinking Santana Champ right now cause it's so crisp. I have been blessed by having booze and bitches in my presence at all times the past few years. But tonight, with the help of the Martin's Landing Convention Center, we were able to give back some of the wealth."

The items auctioned off varied from signed jerseys and pucks, to actual dates with the players. Tony Horton's jersey earned the highest bid of the night, at $4,500. "I was surprised when the bidding kept going higher and higher." A large Tony said afterwards. "I was kind of flattered. Especially after following Andy's jersey which was sold for a lot less ($2.29)." The highest bidder on the dating scene, well that title belonged to Pat King, who was visibly drunk throughout the entire evening. "Party!" An exuberant Pat yelled at his reflection in the women's bathroom mirror. "God damned I am on fire right now. Where the fuck are the urinals!?!"

The event raised $13,932.29 for beer money. Most of that money was collected by passing around a baseball cap. With a game tomorrow, one that will be played without Mark or Brad, the evening was a nice hiatus from the rigors of the season. Even the woman organizing the event, Kathy Roggins, said she knew the players had a good time. "Most of them were drunk, and I think one of them used all of the toilet paper in all of the bathrooms."

EDITORS NOTE: I forgot to mention that Jamie Simek also attended the gala.