Chaos In Finland

Ladies and Gentleman, I am reporting to you tonight not as a beat reporter for the Red Army, but as a journalist covering a war. What began as a week long festival to honor players for a good season has become full fledged anarchy in the Nordic nation. Much of the capital city is already in flames and the blatant lack of law enforcement makes it appear that the fires will spread. Here is what has happened so far, beginning with the award show:

Friday, 8:05 pm: I'm here at the 39th annual IBSHL awards where Mother Russia is strongly represented. I'm sitting in the upper tier of the Helsinki Opera house, but the view is nice. In my section is actually local celebrity Teeku Koveninenen, who, as every Finn knows, won the reality TV show "Vankrun Eeeen Flobba Feank Sveirgean, Nonna?" ("You Are Smarter Than A Swede, No?"). The host of the award ceremony is Liam Neeson. I'll update as awards are announced.

Friday, 8:42 pm: Steve Hand and Mark Hendricks are the early winners. Hand took home the Pearson, as well as Pearson herself. He won in a landslide, citing his "Dedication to late night calls" as the reason for the wide margin of victory. Hendricks took home the Forsberg and received a standing ovation for his work shown in the post season. "It takes a lot to win this." He said, holding the life size bronze statue of Forsberg above his head while his knees shook violently. "But I gave a lot in very little games. And if you look at the stats, which I'm sure you have, you will be impressed."

Friday, 9:33 pm: Pat King finished third in the voting for the Butter Award. The first place winner was a squirrel on water skis. Even I had to agree with the voters on that one, you just don't see that very often. King didn't appear to be too heart broken though, as I spotted him leaving with a tall Swedish girl to a chorus of boos from the Finnish faithful.

Friday, 9:55 pm: They just awarded the Goal of the Year, and surprise surprise, Tony Horton won. Tony, who actually had to return to Germany earlier in the day for a Bratwurst Festival, was represented by Andy Schram. Andy, unaware that the microphone was not working, talked for several minutes while gesticulating wildly. It is unclear whether he was demonstrating his passion for the game or if he had swallowed a very spicy Finnish dish.

Friday, 9:57 pm: Pat King has returned to his seat, sweating profusely through his tuxedo t-shirt.

Friday, 10:10 pm: There is some hostility at the Opera House. A member of the Coyotes won the Trash Talk Award, but Hendricks, who appears to be intoxicated, stumbled on stage and tried to steal the hardware. Hendricks was thrown off the stage and into the front row. Security intervened and made sure things did not escalate, but it appears that Hendricks is very disappointed in the voters decision.

Friday, 10:18 pm: Hendricks and Hand, who also appears to be drunk, have constructed a catapult to the left of the stage. It looks as though the plan is for Hand to send Hendricks flying through the air towards the Coyotes section. No one seems to have noticed, as a tribute video to Tom the Ref is playing.

Friday, 10:22 pm: Hendricks indeed was catapulted into the Coyotes section. A brawl has broken out and horrified onlookers have sprinted to the exits.

Friday, 11:34 pm: I just was able to make it out of the Opera House. Here is what has happened in the past hour. The four Red Army players, Hendricks, Hand, King, and Schram all were fighting the Coyotes. The fight broke out of the Opera House and into the streets, where citizens joined the ranks of the Coyotes. The Soviets had successfully seized all of the awards and managed to commodere a large vessel at port in the Baltic Sea.

Saturday, 2:22 am: The vessel, which none of the Soviets know how to operate, has remained at the port for over three hours. King has painted "No Finns Allowed" on the starboard side, while Hand has been climbing booeys.

Saturday, 3:43 am: Realizing that they would be unable to stave off the attacks for much longer, the Soviets have begun rowing the boat with makeshift oars.

Saturday, 4:30 am: Obviously without a map, the Soviets have rowed their ship up the Narvenenen Strait back into Helsinki. Mobs of Finns have been throwing rocks at the boat while the Soviets awkwardly tried to maneuver a nine point turn.

Saturday, 5:02 am: They have completed the turn and have headed back towards the ocean. The nation of Finland has declared war on Mother Russia. In response to the declaration, many Finnish citizens opposed to war have begun rioting. Fires and riots have been reported across the nation.

Saturday, 5:13 am: Misinterpreting Finland's war declaration, the nation of Russia has bombed Finland.

Saturday, 5:14 am: Russia has issued an official apology for the misinterpretation and errant bombing. They wish to have no ties with the North American based roller hockey team.

Saturday, 6:00 am: The brave four have abandoned ship and now are floating on an inflatable raft. The Forsberg statue had to be left behind.

Saturday, 12:40 pm: The foursome has now reached neutral waters in the Atlantic. They have left the nation of Finland in a civil war. "I hope next year we get invited back." A hungover King said. It is unclear if they will reach Dulles in time to register for the Summer season.

Spring Season Awards

It's been a hectic week here in Helsinki, Finland, where the International Blue Surface Hockey League (IBSHL) is hosting its seasonal awards ceremony. Several of the Red Army players made the trek across the pond to take part in the festivities, and a few of the Comrades were even nominated.

Mark Hendricks was nominated for two awards, including "Worst Trash Talk" and the highly coveted "Peter Forsberg", which is handed to the player who best helps his team with a playoff push. "Winning the Forsberg has always been a dream of mine." Hendricks said. "If you look at the history if its winners, there are some great bailers turned saviors on that list. I'd love to join that list of flaky skaters."

Steve Hand, who finished the season averaging over a point per game for the first time since his rookie year, is up for the "Pearson", the award given out by fellow Russian Cara Pearson to the player she deems most valuable to her.

Pat King was nominated by the fans for the "Butter" award. Arguably the most interesting shaped piece of hardware in the sports world, the Butter award is shaped like a stick of butter and can actually be spread over toast. King's knack for scoring goals in high traffic areas and getting into tussles at face off circles earned him a high percentage of votes from the Asian demographic.

Tony Horton is up for one award as well, thanks to his second round tally versus the Grenades. That goal, seen on Youtube everywhere, has been nominated for the Goal of the Year. "My teammates keep giving me (flack) saying that they should be nominated for the passing." Tony told CBC on Wednesday. "But at the end of the day I was the one that put it in. Think of it this way, if an architect builds an exhibit that takes years and years of hard work and planning, and at the unveiling ceremony the mayor of the town cuts the ribbon declaring it open to the public, the mayor should get credit. Without him, no one could get past that ribbon. You hear that Steve!"

It's been a great atmosphere this week and the winners are set to be announced tomorrow. No one is sure if any of Mother Russia's boys will be taking some hardware with them, but the offseason recognition is well deserved. As Steve Hand said, "After a grueling 14 game season, it's nice to get some rest and fool around with some Finnish whores."

It's unknown if those last comments will hurt the centerman's chances at the Pearson.

Tom Bends Mother Russia Over, Thrusts

The schedule showed that two teams would face each other on Tuesday night. It would be the Red Army against the Grenades. Two teams, yes. Yet the final score yielded an unthinkable, if not impossible outcome: Tom 5,000, Red Army 0. Yes folks, in the most blatant case of refereeing bias I have ever seen, Tom the Ref, known best for his consistent calls and enforcement of the chin strap rule, went rogue.

"I don't know what happened out there." A visibly upset Hand said afterwards. "We're playing the game, a good game... and Tom kept calling penalties. It felt like we played the entire second period down a man."

Tom's destruction started in the middle frame. With the game still very much in reach at 3-1 Grenades, Wilson, who was skating his first shift, was called for slashing. Slashing, yes. A penalty that warrants a two minute stay in the sin bin. Not today. Wilson received a five minute misconduct, a game suspension, two years of academic probation, four points off his licence, a library late fee, and a permanent ban from the South Pacific. Needless to say Hendricks was unhappy with his comrade's sentence.

"I was upset with a few things. First off, that slash was a slash, we all know it. But five and a game? What the hell? I've been slashed more times than the prices at Walmart but I've never seen a suspension handed out. It was amateur. That's the kind of stuff you never want to see decide a game. Terrible, absolutely terrible." Hendricks continued. "By the way, that Walmart joke.. heyooo!"

But believe it or not, Tom's wrath was not over. Horton was whistled for roughing, Lynch for tripping, Hand for sneezing, Lotocki for double parking, Funk for last name fraud, and King, who did not suit up to play, for climbing booeys. All in all, it amounted to 44 minutes of penalties, and at one point gave the Grenades a 12 on 1 advantage. They were unable to capitalize.

Everything was killed off. Shots were blocked, zones cleared, and when the dust settled there was 15 minutes left on the clock and a two goal deficit to be overcome. But quite frankly, there was nothing in the tank. The energy used on penalty killing caught up to Mother Russia as she became lackadaisical in her own zone and let a few in right through the wickets. Buzz bombs pierced Kraus and howitzers ripped mesh. The dispy doos that Hendricks once did were now easy 'sticking' calls for the linesman to make. The horn sounded and the season ended. There were highs and lows, lefts and rights, five holes and nine holes... While it sucks to end it this way, another season starts soon. I'll post an update on players for the summer season later this week.

Rest up kids.

Red Army to Play Grenades in Round Two

The Red Army's second round opponent has been decided. The first place Grenades, who defeated the 8th ranked Predators last night, will lace them up against Mother Russia tomorrow night at 9:15 pm. I'll keep this update brief, as Steve Hand has invited me over for iced mocha coffees. There were nine teams when these playoffs began. The higher seed has advanced every single time, save for once. The Red Army's six seed is the lowest and ensures that they will be playing the highest ranked team remaining. If the Red Army wants to win the championship, they will most likely have to beat the one, two, and three seeds. Well, they already did one of those. Next!

Red Army Neutralizes Stench, Keeps Dancing

It finally happened. The wire to wire, consistent effort fans have been waiting for, finally happened. They came out strong and they did not let up. The inevitable let up that fans have become so accustomed to did not occur. The Soviets' three solid periods tonight earned them three more, and a chance to continue their season.

"We got off to a great start. It got everyone going on the bench." Defenseman Jamie Simek said afterwards. "When they scored early in the second period I thought maybe they would push to make it a one goal game, but we were the ones doing the pushing. It was great. We all played great, I mean... somebody kept taking penalties, but I won't go there. Lynch."

Mark I-Might-Be-Russian Hendricks got the scoring started in the first minute of the game. After not connecting with Pat King on an early rush, the two regrouped at center and gave it a second go. This time a cash register sound effect would be heard. Pat sent a nifty behind the back pass to Mark, who cut through the middle and deposited the puck behind the goalie after several jaw dropping moves. Cha Ching.

"When I got that pass I thought to myself, 'Oh God I must score'. I did. I score goals, and sometimes you need score goals if you want win." Hendricks spoke from his locker room stall. "It's unbelievable. Just unbelievable." The fake Russo-accented sniper would tap one more home just a few minutes later, courtesy of another great pass, this time from Chris Duhaime.

Steve Hand made it 3-0 in the waning minutes of the first when he corralled a rebound in front, and using the defenseman as a screen, fired one that elluded the goalie. "I was pumped. Absolutely pumped." Steve said. "Wooo baby! You know that was the game winning goal. Gee double-fucking-you gee. "

The reason for the lopsided first wasn't all due to the offense though. A spirited effort on defense as well as a stellar performance by goaltender Matt Kraus had the Cryptic Stench scratching their heads at intermission. Kraus kicked shots away, snagged shots labeled for the top corners, and was a sponge when it came to rebounds. "Come on boys!" He said as he left the dressing room to play another game.

Brad Lotocki, Brian Lynch, Tony Horton, and Jamie Simek all played as a unit. Shots that came, came from afar. There were few breakdowns and the penalty kill when called upon came up big. "It was a solid effort from our guys." Tony Horton said. "No doubt about it. This one makes you feel good inside. It's a satisfying feeling in your stomach. Like after you eat a sleeve of Fig Newtons. Or the feeling only Beth's Cafe in Seattle could supply with their famous twelve egg omelets. Mmmm... I could eat some eggs right now. Or pork. I could definitely eat some pork. Any type of meat really. Or breakfast food. I wonder if the kitchen is still open here." Tony then turned to see if it was, but was distracted by a child who had been left alone by his parents. "Never mind." He said, as he began applying salt and pepper on the boy's scalp.

Chris and Pat each tallied in the middle frame. Chris successfully completed a wrap around just seconds after the lead had been cut to two. Pat scored on the power play in what was the luckiest goal of the game. After circling the goal and waiting for things to develop, he opted just to throw it on net. Good things happened. "I saw Mark pointing and then I saw the fans go crazy." Pat said. "I thought it had either gone in or there was a full scale zombie attack. But, when reconsidering the situation and figuring that zombie expert Brian King was here, and that he never enters a building before zombie proofing it, I surmised that it was a goal."

The Stench would score their final goal of the season before the second period expired. The 5-2 margin increased to 7-2 in the third period as Mark tacked on two more. One on his patented curl and drag to a snipe move, the other on a rebound. A few roughing penalties later, the horn sounded and the Red Army was advancing.

I'll have an update before Thursday's second round matchup versus the Strangers. Before I go, seeing how tonight is a special night with the Red Army advancing, I'm feeling all warm inside so I'd thought I'd throw Andy Schram a bone and give him an interview. Andy? Andy? Wait, is he not here? Well, tough luck kid. Maybe next year.

Round 1: Red Army vs Cryptic Stench

How many times have we seen this movie? Red Army vs Cryptic Stench in the playoffs. This matchup has transcended even the greatest rivalries of all time. Red Sox vs Yankees? Please. Cowboys vs Redskins? Ha. Fat man on water skis rapidly approaching the shore where a six layer wedding cake is being carried? You might be on to something. There is an impending doom involved in tomorrow night's tilt. A doom that the Red Army is all too familiar with. The annual taste of defeat that leaves the soviets sick to their stomachs thinking, "Again? To these guys?" It's the feeling of watching a horror movie as the blond girl slowly enters a dark room calling her lover's name, "Derek? Derek?" Her voice trembling, faint dripping sounds emanating from the background. Everyone knows she's a goner. We've seen it before. It will be tough for fans to watch tomorrow. But there is hope. It's not all gloom. This, and stop me if I've said this before, could be the year. Why not? Why...the...fuck...not? Maybe Blondie has a shotgun in her purse, or even less believable, cell phone service.

Mother Russia is a modest 4-9-1. I say modest because if I said good I'd be lying. Wins have been few and far between. In fact, the soviets are 0-4 in there last four games, and 1-7 in the last eight. Yes, going into the playoffs the Red Army's last eight games feature one win and seven losses. In those eight games, 36 goals have been scored and 45 goals allowed. Throw out a pair of 5-0 losses (one at the hands of the Stench) and you're looking at scoring 36 goals and allowing 35 and still going 1-5. Define shit out of luck. The last three games have all been one goal losses, and the one before that was a two goal loss (the epic no subs game). Something has to give. To quote Alex Ovechkin, "Jesus Christ, where did our luck go?"

Lucky or unlucky, when the two teams skate tomorrow, believe it or not, the Red Army will be the more talented team. With Wilson and Mark, the scales are tipped in Russia's favor. Throw in a supporting cast of Brad, Jerrod, Steve, Pat, Jamie, Chris, and Tony and the depth becomes clear. But where there is budding talent, there is anarchy. Too often players, feeling drunk on their own skill, will try to dance through the defenders and score highlight reel goals. The most common offenders are Jerrod and Chris, though Steve is a close third. "Yeah sometimes I get carried away out there." Steve said after Friday's morning skate. "But when I get the puck I become someone else. Have you seen Spiderman 3? It's like that. Though I hate to compare myself to Topher Gray. Hmmm, alright think less Spiderman 3 and more MVP Most Valuable Primate. When I get the puck I want to go do an ape shit crazy move and make the crowd go bananas."

Limiting turnovers will be key. Puck possession is huge in any game, but against the Stench it is everything. When you try to skate into high traffic areas, you lose the puck. When you lose the puck, you chase. When you chase, you run out of gas. When you run out of gas, you make dumb mistakes. And when you make too many mistakes, you break your sticks over the crossbar and play golf. "No one wants this season to end. I don't, Steve doesn't, Tony doesn't, no one." Pat said from his stall in the locker room. "We know the stats and we know the history here, but we feel confident with the group of guys in the room. We are gonna have to dig deep and play 45 minutes of solid hockey. When it's all over and that buzzer goes off, I think we'll be able to look at eachother and know we played like a boss!"

It is safe to say that Wilson and Mark will chip in with more than a few goals. There will be no short supply of offense. As the game drags on, the defense will learn and the onus to score will fall to other players who should find themselves open. If second scoring exists, the Red Army will too in the morning. "I'm going to have to score a few goals in the first period when they come easier." Mark told reporters after the practice. "They are going to have trouble stopping me and Wilson, and if we are both going it is going to be tough for any team to stop us. But eventually the defense will clam up and the space afforded to me will decrease. I'm not sure what the lines are like, but my linemate is going to have a lot of chances I think." Tony echoed the captain's sentiments. "When Mark or Wilson has the puck, the offense has to go to the net. Like the great saying goes, 'If you want bread go to the bakery, if you want money go to the bank, if you want goals go to the net, if you want delicious German children cooked like gran-ma-ma used to make, go to Hertzelvania."

The boys are all licking there chops at this one. It should be a good game. My prediction: 8-5 win. Get shots, get goals, get another game.

Hold On To Your Butts

Here we go, folks. The post season is here. A time when you can take your stats and standings and throw them out the window. It comes down to one game. Win and you live. Lose and you go the way of Old Yeller. It's an exciting time for everyone except dogs. The Red Army wrapped up its season last night with a 4-3 loss to the Mad Dads. While it is nice to enter the playoffs on a high note, many will disregard last night's contest because of a lack of skaters (including newly, self-proclaimed captain, Mark). Boasting a less-than-pretty 4-9-1 record, the Red Army sealed up the 6th spot and will play Cryptic Stench on Sunday at 9:00 pm, 8:00 pm central.

A playoff preview will be coming shortly detailing the first round match up. For now, just brace yourselves for some good hockey. And before the questions begin about whether or not there is any bad blood between these two teams, just read what Pat King had to say about meeting the Cryptic Stench in the playoffs. "We are going to febreeze the shit out of them."

It has begun...

Not Mother Russia's Day

The soviets packed themselves full of barbecue meats and beers. They did not pack punch. The Cryptic Stench skated past the comrades in a not-so-thrilling 7-6 win on Sunday night. The two points earned by the Grave Odor solidify the third playoff seed and a rematch versus Mother Russia in the first round of the playoffs.

"We had seven skaters and they had six." Tony Horton said afterwards. "The game seemed to get slower and slower and for some reason we couldn't put one in when we needed to. A lot of us had big dinners to celebrate Mother's Day, so we may not have been in our best playing shape. Mother's Day at the Horton's is a big feast, or, 'Chachtingzelle' as we Germans refer to it as. It's an annual celebration of food. Each year we fire up the grill and barbecue all day long. This year it was extra special because it fell on 'Yeugeursbordingfeist', or the third full moon of spring. As ancient German legend has it, every Yeugeursbordingfeist an ivory white caribou appears in the village and the children chase after it into the black forest. It prances around through the trees, eluding the laughing children for hours as its translucent white fur coat shines angelically. Eventually, the highest member of the village retrieves his shotgun and kills the white caribou with a few rounds to the head. As the children cry, the women of the village begin skinning the creature to prepare for the feast. It's a lot like your St. Patrick's Day, if I'm not mistaken."

Tony wasn't the only soviet citing an excess of food as a reason for defeat. "Ugggh... uhhh... ahhh" Captain Steve Hand reported from the toilet seat. "Hold on... errr... come on... oooh. Yeah we had burgers at the Hand... wait wait... ahhhh... at the Hand house. Probably should have done this before the game? Wait, how'd you get in here?"

Even Pat King, whose stellar defensive performance has many fans wondering where he'll line up for post season play, admitted he wasn't at his finest. "I felt comfortable back there and I thought I played a great game."

Wait.

"No really, I was the best player out there tonight. I won't sugar coat it. We all know it. I will curl and drag your ass if you don't put that in the paper."

It's in buddy, it's in.

Mark Hendricks, who seldom passes up the opportunity to shoot, was hesitant to pull the trigger at times. He did record his first slap shot goal of the season though, and fifth of his career. "Sometimes you just don't feel it. I've been hungover from a late night in DC all day, and I had church in the morning... I have two finals tomorrow. I just didn't feel it, okay! I'm tired of cameras always being in my face when I don't carry the team to victory and reporters want to know what went wrong. You can take that microphone and shove it up your (caboose)!" Mark then threw a trashcan onto the women's soccer field, injuring six players and disrupting an already choppy game. It is unclear whether or not he will be suspended, but I will post an update on his status when the league releases a statement.

That about wraps it up here at the rink. Andy Schram is the only player remaining, and by the sheepish grin on his face I'm guessing that his plan of loitering by the Powerade machine pretending to mull over options is his way to get an interview. Go with red budy, go with red. You can expect a brief posting about Thursday's season finale against the Mad Dads, as it holds no baring on the playoff positioning. Before Sunday's first round playoff game there will be intensive coverage detailing the game plans, keys to victory, and predictions. Happy Yeugeursbordingfeist, comrades.

UPDATE:
Per the Dulles Hockey Federation, "Left Winger for the Red Army, Mark Hendricks, has been suspended one game (5/14) for behavior that occurred after Sunday's loss to the Cryptic Stench. Hendricks will also have to travel to high schools in the DC Metro area and talk about Women's rights and whether or not they exist.

Red Army Can't Run With Scissors

With only two games remaining in the season and a gap in points between both the teams behind and in front of them, the Red Army sealed up the sixth playoff seed in an 8-7 loss to Scissor Me Timbers. The season, which wraps up next Thursday, has been one that has many fans, and players, scratching their heads as postseason play nears. The game against Scissor Me Timbers may have been a microcosm (if I may cite NHL '08) of the season. A fast start, a relapse in defense, a lack of discipline, a 3rd period disappearing act by Mark, and a one goal loss when the final horn sounded. So let's break it down:

The Red Army may be the best first period team in the league. If games were 15 minutes long, Mother Russia would be undefeated (or be the best team in the first five minutes). If the soviets want any chance at some post season magic, which many fans think is possible, the players are going to need to piece together a full 45 minute performance.

Pat, whose 12 points is tied for third on the team with Brad, had another solid outing. As much as Mark can dominate shifts at times, his linemate of late has been doing the dirty work.

Steve the stickhandler? Is it me, or does this guy all of a sudden possess the hands of an angel? Maybe it's the unsuspecting d-men, but his bag of tricks seems to be getting deeper. We just wish he would shoot sooner, instead of trying to dangle outside into the parking lot and down 28.

Penalties. It's tough to win a game when you're shorthanded seven times. Stop it.

Tony has been using his big frame to his advantage lately. How soon until he chips in with another goal? Soon.

The one powerplay that the Red Army had was textbook puck movement. Mark took a feed from Brad to enter the zone. Mark waited, and waited, and waited, drew two players to him and fed Brad who fired one home. Nice.

That being said, how many none calls there be in one night. I know the Red Army has the reputation for taking penalties, but they also deserve more than one power play a night.

Ten bucks if you know what was too long on Sunday. Sex jokes aside, the right answer was shifts. Or "What are shifts?" if we were playing Jeopardy (also acceptable was "The homily"). Twice, goals were scored because players didn't change when they needed to. Mark was the guiltiest in the first period, but Chris saw 39 minutes in the final 2 periods. Do the math- impossible.

Kraus in net was... so so. Eh, he gave the team a chance to win and I suppose that's all you can ask for.

Jamie should push the puck more. The guy has some wheels. And shoot more. Skate and shoot more. There.

Andy played a relatively quiet game, which is a great thing for a defenseman. He has been steady as of late. It will be interesting what kind of offers he receives in this, his contract year.

Mark dominated for 30 minutes, then thought he was the hulk. He needs to focus on scoring and not on hitting or trash talking. His game was great, but all everyone is going to remember is his lame "Don't be a gay" line, and his miss with under a minute to go.

That being said, the shorthanded goal he scored in the first was monnnney. Cha ching.

That's it for today. We'll have more later in the week as well as a playoff preview. Keep it fresh, comrades.