Chaos In Finland

Ladies and Gentleman, I am reporting to you tonight not as a beat reporter for the Red Army, but as a journalist covering a war. What began as a week long festival to honor players for a good season has become full fledged anarchy in the Nordic nation. Much of the capital city is already in flames and the blatant lack of law enforcement makes it appear that the fires will spread. Here is what has happened so far, beginning with the award show:

Friday, 8:05 pm: I'm here at the 39th annual IBSHL awards where Mother Russia is strongly represented. I'm sitting in the upper tier of the Helsinki Opera house, but the view is nice. In my section is actually local celebrity Teeku Koveninenen, who, as every Finn knows, won the reality TV show "Vankrun Eeeen Flobba Feank Sveirgean, Nonna?" ("You Are Smarter Than A Swede, No?"). The host of the award ceremony is Liam Neeson. I'll update as awards are announced.

Friday, 8:42 pm: Steve Hand and Mark Hendricks are the early winners. Hand took home the Pearson, as well as Pearson herself. He won in a landslide, citing his "Dedication to late night calls" as the reason for the wide margin of victory. Hendricks took home the Forsberg and received a standing ovation for his work shown in the post season. "It takes a lot to win this." He said, holding the life size bronze statue of Forsberg above his head while his knees shook violently. "But I gave a lot in very little games. And if you look at the stats, which I'm sure you have, you will be impressed."

Friday, 9:33 pm: Pat King finished third in the voting for the Butter Award. The first place winner was a squirrel on water skis. Even I had to agree with the voters on that one, you just don't see that very often. King didn't appear to be too heart broken though, as I spotted him leaving with a tall Swedish girl to a chorus of boos from the Finnish faithful.

Friday, 9:55 pm: They just awarded the Goal of the Year, and surprise surprise, Tony Horton won. Tony, who actually had to return to Germany earlier in the day for a Bratwurst Festival, was represented by Andy Schram. Andy, unaware that the microphone was not working, talked for several minutes while gesticulating wildly. It is unclear whether he was demonstrating his passion for the game or if he had swallowed a very spicy Finnish dish.

Friday, 9:57 pm: Pat King has returned to his seat, sweating profusely through his tuxedo t-shirt.

Friday, 10:10 pm: There is some hostility at the Opera House. A member of the Coyotes won the Trash Talk Award, but Hendricks, who appears to be intoxicated, stumbled on stage and tried to steal the hardware. Hendricks was thrown off the stage and into the front row. Security intervened and made sure things did not escalate, but it appears that Hendricks is very disappointed in the voters decision.

Friday, 10:18 pm: Hendricks and Hand, who also appears to be drunk, have constructed a catapult to the left of the stage. It looks as though the plan is for Hand to send Hendricks flying through the air towards the Coyotes section. No one seems to have noticed, as a tribute video to Tom the Ref is playing.

Friday, 10:22 pm: Hendricks indeed was catapulted into the Coyotes section. A brawl has broken out and horrified onlookers have sprinted to the exits.

Friday, 11:34 pm: I just was able to make it out of the Opera House. Here is what has happened in the past hour. The four Red Army players, Hendricks, Hand, King, and Schram all were fighting the Coyotes. The fight broke out of the Opera House and into the streets, where citizens joined the ranks of the Coyotes. The Soviets had successfully seized all of the awards and managed to commodere a large vessel at port in the Baltic Sea.

Saturday, 2:22 am: The vessel, which none of the Soviets know how to operate, has remained at the port for over three hours. King has painted "No Finns Allowed" on the starboard side, while Hand has been climbing booeys.

Saturday, 3:43 am: Realizing that they would be unable to stave off the attacks for much longer, the Soviets have begun rowing the boat with makeshift oars.

Saturday, 4:30 am: Obviously without a map, the Soviets have rowed their ship up the Narvenenen Strait back into Helsinki. Mobs of Finns have been throwing rocks at the boat while the Soviets awkwardly tried to maneuver a nine point turn.

Saturday, 5:02 am: They have completed the turn and have headed back towards the ocean. The nation of Finland has declared war on Mother Russia. In response to the declaration, many Finnish citizens opposed to war have begun rioting. Fires and riots have been reported across the nation.

Saturday, 5:13 am: Misinterpreting Finland's war declaration, the nation of Russia has bombed Finland.

Saturday, 5:14 am: Russia has issued an official apology for the misinterpretation and errant bombing. They wish to have no ties with the North American based roller hockey team.

Saturday, 6:00 am: The brave four have abandoned ship and now are floating on an inflatable raft. The Forsberg statue had to be left behind.

Saturday, 12:40 pm: The foursome has now reached neutral waters in the Atlantic. They have left the nation of Finland in a civil war. "I hope next year we get invited back." A hungover King said. It is unclear if they will reach Dulles in time to register for the Summer season.