The soviets packed themselves full of barbecue meats and beers. They did not pack punch. The Cryptic Stench skated past the comrades in a not-so-thrilling 7-6 win on Sunday night. The two points earned by the Grave Odor solidify the third playoff seed and a rematch versus Mother Russia in the first round of the playoffs.
"We had seven skaters and they had six." Tony Horton said afterwards. "The game seemed to get slower and slower and for some reason we couldn't put one in when we needed to. A lot of us had big dinners to celebrate Mother's Day, so we may not have been in our best playing shape. Mother's Day at the Horton's is a big feast, or, 'Chachtingzelle' as we Germans refer to it as. It's an annual celebration of food. Each year we fire up the grill and barbecue all day long. This year it was extra special because it fell on 'Yeugeursbordingfeist', or the third full moon of spring. As ancient German legend has it, every Yeugeursbordingfeist an ivory white caribou appears in the village and the children chase after it into the black forest. It prances around through the trees, eluding the laughing children for hours as its translucent white fur coat shines angelically. Eventually, the highest member of the village retrieves his shotgun and kills the white caribou with a few rounds to the head. As the children cry, the women of the village begin skinning the creature to prepare for the feast. It's a lot like your St. Patrick's Day, if I'm not mistaken."
Tony wasn't the only soviet citing an excess of food as a reason for defeat. "Ugggh... uhhh... ahhh" Captain Steve Hand reported from the toilet seat. "Hold on... errr... come on... oooh. Yeah we had burgers at the Hand... wait wait... ahhhh... at the Hand house. Probably should have done this before the game? Wait, how'd you get in here?"
Even Pat King, whose stellar defensive performance has many fans wondering where he'll line up for post season play, admitted he wasn't at his finest. "I felt comfortable back there and I thought I played a great game."
Wait.
"No really, I was the best player out there tonight. I won't sugar coat it. We all know it. I will curl and drag your ass if you don't put that in the paper."
It's in buddy, it's in.
Mark Hendricks, who seldom passes up the opportunity to shoot, was hesitant to pull the trigger at times. He did record his first slap shot goal of the season though, and fifth of his career. "Sometimes you just don't feel it. I've been hungover from a late night in DC all day, and I had church in the morning... I have two finals tomorrow. I just didn't feel it, okay! I'm tired of cameras always being in my face when I don't carry the team to victory and reporters want to know what went wrong. You can take that microphone and shove it up your (caboose)!" Mark then threw a trashcan onto the women's soccer field, injuring six players and disrupting an already choppy game. It is unclear whether or not he will be suspended, but I will post an update on his status when the league releases a statement.
That about wraps it up here at the rink. Andy Schram is the only player remaining, and by the sheepish grin on his face I'm guessing that his plan of loitering by the Powerade machine pretending to mull over options is his way to get an interview. Go with red budy, go with red. You can expect a brief posting about Thursday's season finale against the Mad Dads, as it holds no baring on the playoff positioning. Before Sunday's first round playoff game there will be intensive coverage detailing the game plans, keys to victory, and predictions. Happy Yeugeursbordingfeist, comrades.
UPDATE:
Per the Dulles Hockey Federation, "Left Winger for the Red Army, Mark Hendricks, has been suspended one game (5/14) for behavior that occurred after Sunday's loss to the Cryptic Stench. Hendricks will also have to travel to high schools in the DC Metro area and talk about Women's rights and whether or not they exist.
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