How many times have we seen this movie? Red Army vs Cryptic Stench in the playoffs. This matchup has transcended even the greatest rivalries of all time. Red Sox vs Yankees? Please. Cowboys vs Redskins? Ha. Fat man on water skis rapidly approaching the shore where a six layer wedding cake is being carried? You might be on to something. There is an impending doom involved in tomorrow night's tilt. A doom that the Red Army is all too familiar with. The annual taste of defeat that leaves the soviets sick to their stomachs thinking, "Again? To these guys?" It's the feeling of watching a horror movie as the blond girl slowly enters a dark room calling her lover's name, "Derek? Derek?" Her voice trembling, faint dripping sounds emanating from the background. Everyone knows she's a goner. We've seen it before. It will be tough for fans to watch tomorrow. But there is hope. It's not all gloom. This, and stop me if I've said this before, could be the year. Why not? Why...the...fuck...not? Maybe Blondie has a shotgun in her purse, or even less believable, cell phone service.
Mother Russia is a modest 4-9-1. I say modest because if I said good I'd be lying. Wins have been few and far between. In fact, the soviets are 0-4 in there last four games, and 1-7 in the last eight. Yes, going into the playoffs the Red Army's last eight games feature one win and seven losses. In those eight games, 36 goals have been scored and 45 goals allowed. Throw out a pair of 5-0 losses (one at the hands of the Stench) and you're looking at scoring 36 goals and allowing 35 and still going 1-5. Define shit out of luck. The last three games have all been one goal losses, and the one before that was a two goal loss (the epic no subs game). Something has to give. To quote Alex Ovechkin, "Jesus Christ, where did our luck go?"
Lucky or unlucky, when the two teams skate tomorrow, believe it or not, the Red Army will be the more talented team. With Wilson and Mark, the scales are tipped in Russia's favor. Throw in a supporting cast of Brad, Jerrod, Steve, Pat, Jamie, Chris, and Tony and the depth becomes clear. But where there is budding talent, there is anarchy. Too often players, feeling drunk on their own skill, will try to dance through the defenders and score highlight reel goals. The most common offenders are Jerrod and Chris, though Steve is a close third. "Yeah sometimes I get carried away out there." Steve said after Friday's morning skate. "But when I get the puck I become someone else. Have you seen Spiderman 3? It's like that. Though I hate to compare myself to Topher Gray. Hmmm, alright think less Spiderman 3 and more MVP Most Valuable Primate. When I get the puck I want to go do an ape shit crazy move and make the crowd go bananas."
Limiting turnovers will be key. Puck possession is huge in any game, but against the Stench it is everything. When you try to skate into high traffic areas, you lose the puck. When you lose the puck, you chase. When you chase, you run out of gas. When you run out of gas, you make dumb mistakes. And when you make too many mistakes, you break your sticks over the crossbar and play golf. "No one wants this season to end. I don't, Steve doesn't, Tony doesn't, no one." Pat said from his stall in the locker room. "We know the stats and we know the history here, but we feel confident with the group of guys in the room. We are gonna have to dig deep and play 45 minutes of solid hockey. When it's all over and that buzzer goes off, I think we'll be able to look at eachother and know we played like a boss!"
It is safe to say that Wilson and Mark will chip in with more than a few goals. There will be no short supply of offense. As the game drags on, the defense will learn and the onus to score will fall to other players who should find themselves open. If second scoring exists, the Red Army will too in the morning. "I'm going to have to score a few goals in the first period when they come easier." Mark told reporters after the practice. "They are going to have trouble stopping me and Wilson, and if we are both going it is going to be tough for any team to stop us. But eventually the defense will clam up and the space afforded to me will decrease. I'm not sure what the lines are like, but my linemate is going to have a lot of chances I think." Tony echoed the captain's sentiments. "When Mark or Wilson has the puck, the offense has to go to the net. Like the great saying goes, 'If you want bread go to the bakery, if you want money go to the bank, if you want goals go to the net, if you want delicious German children cooked like gran-ma-ma used to make, go to Hertzelvania."
The boys are all licking there chops at this one. It should be a good game. My prediction: 8-5 win. Get shots, get goals, get another game.
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