Like a James Bond mission in the Nintendo 64 game Goldeneye, the Red Army can check off their first initiative on their mission that is the summer season. Avoid a losing record... completed. With the seventh win tonight, Mother Russia cannot finish worse than .500. Take that Trevilyan.
Though the standings might have suggested tonight's game would have a difficulty level comparable to beating a Nascar fan in Trivial Pursuit, the Thrashers did out skate the Soviets for much of the game and even had a lead. The scoring was started by Mark Hendricks, who took a breakaway pass from Neal Hendricks and deked out the goalie before debiting the goal account. The early lead would be short lived, as the Thrashers stormed back with two goals of their own to take the lead.
"We were all thinking, what the fuck?!?" Captain Steve Hand said after the game. "We were playing the Thrashers. The Thrashers? What is that, a talon? A claw? We were a better team than we played most of the night, I'm surprised we let it get that close."
The captain tallied his tenth goal on the campaign to knot the score at two. Then, in the dying moments of the first, magic happened. After Tony Horton drew a penalty with fifteen seconds left, Neal lined up to take the faceoff inside the Thrasher zone. The puck was dropped with four seconds to play. Neal tied up the puck and threw it in the general direction of the goal. The Thrasher goalie, a doctor, steered the puck out towards the opposite faceoff circle. Mark chased down the puck and fired a wrister that went five hole on House just as the buzzer sounded.
"Awesome." Mark said. "That was like my favorite part of a basketball game, the final seconds of the third quarter. You know, Kobe chucks up a three ball as the clock winds down? Ballllller!"
Despite the late tally, Mother Russia was unable to continue rolling and instead let the Thrashers tie the game again. The second period remained tied at three until the final minute, when the Hendricks line cashed in again. Andy Schram held the puck in the offensive zone and found Mark in the corner. Neal cut to the net and one timed a pass from his older brother. The shot went seven hole on JD and gave the Soviets a 4-3 lead going into the final period.
"We had to keep skating hard." Chris Duhaime told reporters. "This period it was do or die. Do... or... die. If we didn't win we were going to commit a team suicide like samurais. I don't think anybody wanted to die. Though I'm not so sure about Tony. His family's history tells me he isn't one to shy away from large groups of people dying together." Chris was of course referring to Tony's great grandfather Uri Schindler, who drowned with hundreds of other lost souls on the Titanic.
The third period began much like the second. With fifteen minutes on the clock and a faceoff. Also like the second period, the Soviets failed to continue the momentum gained from their last minute goal and instead played a slow paced game that allowed the Thrashers to again even the score, this time at four. The Hendricks boys again reunited, this time on a turnover deep in the Thrasher zone. Mark picked up a loose puck and found Neal in front who again one timed it past the sprawled out Student of Medicine. With only eight minutes to play it seemed as though things were going to turn out all right after all.
But wait, like a shark with low self esteem and an affinity for algae, there was no killer instinct. Mother Russia seemed insistent on not skating to loose pucks and not playing their game. With four minutes to go, a Thrasher cut down the middle of the defense and put one top shelf on Kraus. The shot knocked over the entire stash of Instant Breakfasts that the goalie stores there. And like that, a game that was supposed to be an easy two points was turning out to be a tough game, and those two points were slipping away like a cute blond on a cliff: painstakingly slowly. Cue the superman music, enter Neal Hendricks.
With exactly two minutes to play, Neal joined his brother on a rush and streaked towards the goal. Mark, pulling a page out of Neal's book, passed up a good shot and threw a feed across the crease to Neal, who had a step on his defender. Neal one timed it (his last two one timers found nothing but net) and the puck, faster than a speeding bullet, eluded Doogie Howser to give the Comrades a one goal bulge again.
"Boom goes the dynamite!" The elated twin of Beege said.
Mark drew a penalty with 90 seconds to play, and Steve and Chris, despite desperate hollering and pleas from their comrades to get back on defense, were able to stave off any last minute efforts the Thrashers pushed their way. The game ended, the two points were collected, and the seventh Cyrillic W was put in the books. It wasn't easy, but to quote a drunk guy who settles for a fat chick, "You gotta take what you can get."
OTHER NOTES
-Brian "Beege" Hendricks missed tonight's game because of an injury suffered Friday afternoon. A high stick to the face left him requiring two stitches just outside his right eye. It is unclear if this injury will affect the amount of times he yells "Beege" at random, inappropriate times.
-Pat King missed tonight's game because of his 21st birthday party last night and it is believed that he is still orbiting the planet somewhere. At last contact, Pat was about to reenter the Earth's atmosphere but was distracted by the moon that looked like "fucking butter."
-Ben Breiterman also missed tonight's game, but he did manage to kick somebody's ass somewhere.
-With 10 goals, Steve Hand is now the second highest goal scorer on the team. Asked if that means anything to him, the captain said "Yes."
-Andy Schram played a solid game and did not take a penalty. What the hell Andy? You pussy.
THREE STARS
#3: Tony Horton
#2: Mark Hendricks
#1: Neal Hendricks
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Red Army Shoots a Blank on Grenades
2-0 Grenades. Not much to say. The Red Army's fill in goalie was awesome. The Grenades goalie was awesome. They scored with 4 minutes to play in the third to make it 1-0 and again on the power play with 18 seconds left in the game. It was close. Ben, Pat, and Chris were missing. Do the three of them equate to a 2 goal swing? Who knows. For now Mother Russia is 6-4 and drops outside of that top 4 spot. Four games left, 8 points on the table. The goal for the back 7 was to go 5-2, right now they are 2-1.
Next game is Sunday at 5:00 PM versus the lowly Thrashers. After that the Soviets will have to face the Cryptic Stench and Coyotes without the Hendricks brothers before wrapping up the season on the 30th against the Ill Tempered Sea Bass.
PREDICTION
Thrashers: Win
CRYPTIC STENCH: Loss
COYOTES: Win
ILL TEMPERED SEA BASS: Win
That would make it 5-2 in the back 7 for a record of 9-5. Go out and make it the Motherland proud, comrades.
Next game is Sunday at 5:00 PM versus the lowly Thrashers. After that the Soviets will have to face the Cryptic Stench and Coyotes without the Hendricks brothers before wrapping up the season on the 30th against the Ill Tempered Sea Bass.
PREDICTION
Thrashers: Win
CRYPTIC STENCH: Loss
COYOTES: Win
ILL TEMPERED SEA BASS: Win
That would make it 5-2 in the back 7 for a record of 9-5. Go out and make it the Motherland proud, comrades.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Red Army > TBD Pierson
Though many expected a cakewalk for the Soviets, Saturday's tilt was anything but easy for the Red Army as they defeated TBD Pierson 8-3. The game was still in question for much of the third period until Neal Hendricks and Steve Hand salted it away with three goals in the final five minutes. Until that point, the game had been played at a breakneck pace with back and forth rushes calling on both goaltenders to stand on their heads. Lucky for Mother Russia, Kraus's small frame does not put much stress on his head in these aforementioned acrobatic feats.
Mark Hendricks started the scoring in the first on a breakaway. He took a chip pass off the boards from Pat and skated in slowly on the goalie before tucking one in on the backhand. This came after TBD had enjoyed almost three minutes of zone time in the Comrades end.
"We had to start skating harder." Mark said after the game. "Some of our guys were being lazy out there. This team is fast, they're TBD for god sakes. Who the hell knows what that stands for? To be decided? Maybe. Take Back Denver? I couldn't tell you. But they were skating circles around us and the Broncos all period."
TBD tied the game shortly after Mark had given his team the lead. Moments later they would take the lead on a wrist shot from outside the right circle. At the end of the first the game was 2-1 TBD and many Commies were gasping for air.
"They have some guys that are fast." Jamie Simek told reporters. "They certainly have some get up and go. We had to be smart and play the angles. It was time to get out those contractors if you know what I mean."
I didn't.
"You know, contractors? They measure angles."
Protractors?
"No no no, you can't measure angles with a protractor. Hey look at me, I'm a filthy old protractor and I'm going to find some diamonds in this here mine! It's contractors I think. Wait, maybe its prostates I'm thinking of. Yeah, not contractors or protractors, we had to use our prostates. As soon as we took out our prostates they would have a hard time getting around us and we could play in their end."
Thanks to Jamie's prostate, much of the second period was indeed played in TBD's end, and the Soviets were able to generate more scoring opportunities. Neal knotted the score at two when he took his annual shot. The shot was a low snapper that just eluded the screened goalie. Mark would put the Russians ahead once more a few minutes later. After being stopped on a semi breakaway, Mark gathered the rebound and fired one top shelf where Madeline keeps her medicine to prevent breakouts.
At the start of the third, with the score still being 3-2, fatigue became apparent in TBD's game. Their fastest skaters could not keep up with the full bench of Lenin Lovers. The Army cashed in on a nice play where Brian "Beege" Hendricks fed Mark, who circled the goal and found Pat King backdoor. The goal... was butter.
"Back on track mother fuckers!" A boisterous King yelled in the sportsplex. "Wooo! Don't even act like you didn't see that goal. Fucking butter! I'm about to spread that shit on some bagels son!" A few minutes later Pat would add his second of the game on a rebound. "Two bitches! Two in a row! The king set up his throne in front of the net and fucked every princess in all of the land!"
Neal would tack on his second the next shift to make it a 6-2 game. "I decided to take two shots today." Neal said, as he locked his stick away in a vault promising to never use it again for anything but passing.
Steve would add two more in the dying moments of the game. Though he regularly scores with Pearson, this was his first time on Pierson. "It felt good, sooo good." An obnoxiously relaxed Captain said afterwards, speaking between puffs from his pipe as he sat wearing only a robe. "The first one was quick. It was my first time with Pierson so I was a bit nervous. I blinked and it was over. The second time, I enjoyed a little more. I was more confident with what I was doing down there and just found that hole and hit it."
Despite surrendering a late goal, Kraus was still the star in the 8-3 win and backstopped the Red Army to its third straight win. Now in sole possession of fourth place, for the night, Mother Russia can sit back and enjoy the three day break before the Tuesday night battle against the Grenades.
OTHER NOTES:
- Andy Schram and Ben Breiterman have each served their one game suspension and can return to action. As part of their punishment, both will also be required to visit area businesses and talk about the importance of having the correct amount of fun sexual harassment in the office.
- Tony Horton had a solid game on defense and continues to impress the German scouts that often watch him play. The invitations for the 2010 World Roller Hockey On Blue Surfaces come out next week and it will be interesting to see if he gets invited to play for coach Adolf Van Straussenhaussenmoussenbloussen's team in Berlin.
- The new jerseys are awesome.
THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Neal Hendricks
1: Matt Kraus
Mark Hendricks started the scoring in the first on a breakaway. He took a chip pass off the boards from Pat and skated in slowly on the goalie before tucking one in on the backhand. This came after TBD had enjoyed almost three minutes of zone time in the Comrades end.
"We had to start skating harder." Mark said after the game. "Some of our guys were being lazy out there. This team is fast, they're TBD for god sakes. Who the hell knows what that stands for? To be decided? Maybe. Take Back Denver? I couldn't tell you. But they were skating circles around us and the Broncos all period."
TBD tied the game shortly after Mark had given his team the lead. Moments later they would take the lead on a wrist shot from outside the right circle. At the end of the first the game was 2-1 TBD and many Commies were gasping for air.
"They have some guys that are fast." Jamie Simek told reporters. "They certainly have some get up and go. We had to be smart and play the angles. It was time to get out those contractors if you know what I mean."
I didn't.
"You know, contractors? They measure angles."
Protractors?
"No no no, you can't measure angles with a protractor. Hey look at me, I'm a filthy old protractor and I'm going to find some diamonds in this here mine! It's contractors I think. Wait, maybe its prostates I'm thinking of. Yeah, not contractors or protractors, we had to use our prostates. As soon as we took out our prostates they would have a hard time getting around us and we could play in their end."
Thanks to Jamie's prostate, much of the second period was indeed played in TBD's end, and the Soviets were able to generate more scoring opportunities. Neal knotted the score at two when he took his annual shot. The shot was a low snapper that just eluded the screened goalie. Mark would put the Russians ahead once more a few minutes later. After being stopped on a semi breakaway, Mark gathered the rebound and fired one top shelf where Madeline keeps her medicine to prevent breakouts.
At the start of the third, with the score still being 3-2, fatigue became apparent in TBD's game. Their fastest skaters could not keep up with the full bench of Lenin Lovers. The Army cashed in on a nice play where Brian "Beege" Hendricks fed Mark, who circled the goal and found Pat King backdoor. The goal... was butter.
"Back on track mother fuckers!" A boisterous King yelled in the sportsplex. "Wooo! Don't even act like you didn't see that goal. Fucking butter! I'm about to spread that shit on some bagels son!" A few minutes later Pat would add his second of the game on a rebound. "Two bitches! Two in a row! The king set up his throne in front of the net and fucked every princess in all of the land!"
Neal would tack on his second the next shift to make it a 6-2 game. "I decided to take two shots today." Neal said, as he locked his stick away in a vault promising to never use it again for anything but passing.
Steve would add two more in the dying moments of the game. Though he regularly scores with Pearson, this was his first time on Pierson. "It felt good, sooo good." An obnoxiously relaxed Captain said afterwards, speaking between puffs from his pipe as he sat wearing only a robe. "The first one was quick. It was my first time with Pierson so I was a bit nervous. I blinked and it was over. The second time, I enjoyed a little more. I was more confident with what I was doing down there and just found that hole and hit it."
Despite surrendering a late goal, Kraus was still the star in the 8-3 win and backstopped the Red Army to its third straight win. Now in sole possession of fourth place, for the night, Mother Russia can sit back and enjoy the three day break before the Tuesday night battle against the Grenades.
OTHER NOTES:
- Andy Schram and Ben Breiterman have each served their one game suspension and can return to action. As part of their punishment, both will also be required to visit area businesses and talk about the importance of having the correct amount of fun sexual harassment in the office.
- Tony Horton had a solid game on defense and continues to impress the German scouts that often watch him play. The invitations for the 2010 World Roller Hockey On Blue Surfaces come out next week and it will be interesting to see if he gets invited to play for coach Adolf Van Straussenhaussenmoussenbloussen's team in Berlin.
- The new jerseys are awesome.
THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Neal Hendricks
1: Matt Kraus
Friday, July 10, 2009
Beege Avenged in Fisting of Shockers
A little less than a year ago the Red Army and Shockers played each other a few games before the playoffs began. In that game, a 10-10 tie, Brian Beege Hendricks was hit from behind by #20 Stevan Loges and sent flying into the boards at full speed, cracking his right knee cap in two places and resulting in a reconstructive surgery that required 30 staples and two nails to hold his knee cap together. A year is a long time, but hockey players have long memories.
The game started with a goal against for Mother Russia. It would be the only lead the Shockers would have all evening in any facet of the game. Down 1-0 early, Ben Breiterman knotted the score at 1 from a cross crease pass from Mark Hendricks. Moments later, Mark would feed Beege, who was playing offense for the first time this season, with a saucer pass that was directed out of midair to the goal and in. In a matter of seconds the Red Army had the lead. A lead that would not be relinquished.
Jamie Simek netted his second goal of the season after another pass from Mark, who racked up three assists in the first five minutes of the game. Beege would make it 4-1 after he intercepted a pass and roofed one upstairs where the solar panel tiling is placed. The Shockers would tally one late in the frame to make it a 4-2 margin going into the second.
"On the bench we were saying how it was getting a little chippy." Mark said afterwards. "They slash and hack and hold and just talk so much shit. The game was still close so we had to play smart. But you keep doing that and you are bound to get someone to snap on you." The snapping would come later.
Captain Steve Hand made it a three goal bulge early in the second on the nicest pass of the year. Neal Hendricks, undoubtedly feeling the pressure from his twin brother already having a two goal first period, took it wide on a defender and made a deft, saucer pass that went the width of the rink and found a streaking Steve. Steve one timed it in and increased his season total to seven.
"That pass was fucking incredible." The captain said. "Man, I was going to the net and next thing you know that pass comes through and it is right on my tape. Incredible."
Even the magician himself admitted it was pretty sweet. "It was pretty sweet." Neal said.
Neal would tack on one for himself later in the period, a period that saw goals exchanged left and right. Ben also scored his second goal and Beege completed the hat trick.
Then the third period started. After surrendering two early goals to bring the game to only an 8-6 margin for the Soviets, the game became more chippy. Mark became entangled with Loges behind the Shockers goal. The two yapped at each other as the play went up the rink and back down, and Loges tried to check Mark from behind while Mark waited in front of the goal. Mark, taking exception to the play, entered a shoving match with Loges, and the two were assessed roughing penalties. Andy Schram, who enjoyed a three assist night, was also given a penalty for coming to Mark's aid.
"I told him if he hits me not to hit me from behind. That's gay. If you hit someone, make it a good hit." Mark said in the most foreshadowing quote of this season. The team, rallying around Mark began chirping the entire Shockers team from the bench.
"That fat guy was an easy target. Baconator jokes, Jaba the Hut jokes, anything went." Tony told reporters. "They were still being dicks the whole game talking shit, and we decided to talk back. Some of us took matters into our own hands." Tony said in the second most foreshadowing quote of the season.
About two minutes later as Mark and Loges were released from the penalty box, the levy broke. It began with a play by Mother Russia's bench. Loges was skating towards the loose puck from his side of center and Mark was caught flat footed a few feet from the puck. As Loges went to deke Mark, Mark played the body and hit Loges in the chin with his shoulder. Loges, now even more furious, skated after Neal who had stolen the puck and had began the rush up the rink. Loges recovered the puck and began another rush down the right wing. Mark, who had dropped back into the slot watched as Loges turned the corner on defenseman Brian Robinson, and headed towards Kraus. Like a tiger stalking its prey, Mark played the angle beautifully and picked up his stride to meet Loges at the far post. Mark lowered the shoulder and landed the cleanest and hardest hit Dulles Sportsplex has ever seen. Loges was sent flying to the blue surface as Mark skated away, knowing he had taken a penalty. Loges, trying not to back down from the spanking he had just taken, pursued Mark but was met by Tony, who quickly reminded the bitch of his place.
By the time Mark was released from his second stay in the box, only four minutes remained in a 9-6 game (Beege had added a fourth). Mark received a pass from Neal after exiting the box, and despite being hooked, managed to bury his first of the evening. As Mark finished his excessive celebration, Loges still continued to run his mouth as again Tony intervened reminding him that it is difficult to understand people when their mouth is full of semen. Mark would tally the final goal of the game, but the score was yet to be settled.
In the waning moments of the game, Ben was hit from behind again by Loges. Loges, feeling a rush of estrogen, told Ben to "Do something." Biggest mistake of his life. Without hesitation Ben's gloves were dropped and so was the hammer. Punch after punch connected and when Loges was thrown to the ground blood was seen seeping down his face. Andy meantime had heard enough of the entire team's trash talk, and engaged himself in a bout with one of the other assholes. Andy mostly worked the body, and despite fighting one against two for a few moments, held his own. So much so that he earned an interview. "Fuck those bitches." An bad ass mother fucker Andy said afterwards. "You don't fuck with us. Don't you ever fuck with us."
The horn sounded. The game ended. Four suspensions were handed out, two to each team and Ben and Andy will each miss Saturday's game. But it was worth it. The Red Army made a statement tonight. You can only talk so much shit before Mother Russia puts you on your ass. It was a good game for everyone. How sweet it must be to be Beege right now. Four goals against the team that injured you for three seasons, and the guy responsible for it was rocked by a check, and beaten up in a fight. When the dust cleared it was another two point night for the comrades. The Red Army is now 5-3 and in a 3 way tie for fourth.
Hey Loges, fuck you.
THREE STARS
3: Andy
2: Ben
1: Beege
The game started with a goal against for Mother Russia. It would be the only lead the Shockers would have all evening in any facet of the game. Down 1-0 early, Ben Breiterman knotted the score at 1 from a cross crease pass from Mark Hendricks. Moments later, Mark would feed Beege, who was playing offense for the first time this season, with a saucer pass that was directed out of midair to the goal and in. In a matter of seconds the Red Army had the lead. A lead that would not be relinquished.
Jamie Simek netted his second goal of the season after another pass from Mark, who racked up three assists in the first five minutes of the game. Beege would make it 4-1 after he intercepted a pass and roofed one upstairs where the solar panel tiling is placed. The Shockers would tally one late in the frame to make it a 4-2 margin going into the second.
"On the bench we were saying how it was getting a little chippy." Mark said afterwards. "They slash and hack and hold and just talk so much shit. The game was still close so we had to play smart. But you keep doing that and you are bound to get someone to snap on you." The snapping would come later.
Captain Steve Hand made it a three goal bulge early in the second on the nicest pass of the year. Neal Hendricks, undoubtedly feeling the pressure from his twin brother already having a two goal first period, took it wide on a defender and made a deft, saucer pass that went the width of the rink and found a streaking Steve. Steve one timed it in and increased his season total to seven.
"That pass was fucking incredible." The captain said. "Man, I was going to the net and next thing you know that pass comes through and it is right on my tape. Incredible."
Even the magician himself admitted it was pretty sweet. "It was pretty sweet." Neal said.
Neal would tack on one for himself later in the period, a period that saw goals exchanged left and right. Ben also scored his second goal and Beege completed the hat trick.
Then the third period started. After surrendering two early goals to bring the game to only an 8-6 margin for the Soviets, the game became more chippy. Mark became entangled with Loges behind the Shockers goal. The two yapped at each other as the play went up the rink and back down, and Loges tried to check Mark from behind while Mark waited in front of the goal. Mark, taking exception to the play, entered a shoving match with Loges, and the two were assessed roughing penalties. Andy Schram, who enjoyed a three assist night, was also given a penalty for coming to Mark's aid.
"I told him if he hits me not to hit me from behind. That's gay. If you hit someone, make it a good hit." Mark said in the most foreshadowing quote of this season. The team, rallying around Mark began chirping the entire Shockers team from the bench.
"That fat guy was an easy target. Baconator jokes, Jaba the Hut jokes, anything went." Tony told reporters. "They were still being dicks the whole game talking shit, and we decided to talk back. Some of us took matters into our own hands." Tony said in the second most foreshadowing quote of the season.
About two minutes later as Mark and Loges were released from the penalty box, the levy broke. It began with a play by Mother Russia's bench. Loges was skating towards the loose puck from his side of center and Mark was caught flat footed a few feet from the puck. As Loges went to deke Mark, Mark played the body and hit Loges in the chin with his shoulder. Loges, now even more furious, skated after Neal who had stolen the puck and had began the rush up the rink. Loges recovered the puck and began another rush down the right wing. Mark, who had dropped back into the slot watched as Loges turned the corner on defenseman Brian Robinson, and headed towards Kraus. Like a tiger stalking its prey, Mark played the angle beautifully and picked up his stride to meet Loges at the far post. Mark lowered the shoulder and landed the cleanest and hardest hit Dulles Sportsplex has ever seen. Loges was sent flying to the blue surface as Mark skated away, knowing he had taken a penalty. Loges, trying not to back down from the spanking he had just taken, pursued Mark but was met by Tony, who quickly reminded the bitch of his place.
By the time Mark was released from his second stay in the box, only four minutes remained in a 9-6 game (Beege had added a fourth). Mark received a pass from Neal after exiting the box, and despite being hooked, managed to bury his first of the evening. As Mark finished his excessive celebration, Loges still continued to run his mouth as again Tony intervened reminding him that it is difficult to understand people when their mouth is full of semen. Mark would tally the final goal of the game, but the score was yet to be settled.
In the waning moments of the game, Ben was hit from behind again by Loges. Loges, feeling a rush of estrogen, told Ben to "Do something." Biggest mistake of his life. Without hesitation Ben's gloves were dropped and so was the hammer. Punch after punch connected and when Loges was thrown to the ground blood was seen seeping down his face. Andy meantime had heard enough of the entire team's trash talk, and engaged himself in a bout with one of the other assholes. Andy mostly worked the body, and despite fighting one against two for a few moments, held his own. So much so that he earned an interview. "Fuck those bitches." An bad ass mother fucker Andy said afterwards. "You don't fuck with us. Don't you ever fuck with us."
The horn sounded. The game ended. Four suspensions were handed out, two to each team and Ben and Andy will each miss Saturday's game. But it was worth it. The Red Army made a statement tonight. You can only talk so much shit before Mother Russia puts you on your ass. It was a good game for everyone. How sweet it must be to be Beege right now. Four goals against the team that injured you for three seasons, and the guy responsible for it was rocked by a check, and beaten up in a fight. When the dust cleared it was another two point night for the comrades. The Red Army is now 5-3 and in a 3 way tie for fourth.
Hey Loges, fuck you.
THREE STARS
3: Andy
2: Ben
1: Beege
Monday, July 6, 2009
Interims Are Here
With the first half of the season done, it is time for our mid season report cards. Players are graded on how well they have played relative to the expectations placed on them at the start of the season.
BEN BREITERMAN: A+
-Ben's knack for staying cool, calm, and collective with the puck merits him the only A+ of the group. The defense has played much better with him there, and Kraus's confidence is growing. His ability to get the puck up to the forwards with a quick pass to jump start the rush is the reason this team is heading in the right direction. The team's success may very well hinge on his play.
CHRIS DUHAIME: B
-Chris has the raw talent to be a 30 goal scorer in this league but has the reputation for playing inconsistent. He is the Alexander Semin of the Red Army. One game he can single handily take over a game with a five goal explosion, the next game he can punchasize somebody's face and get kicked out. At least he does it without playing the bongos. If Chris continues chipping in at the rate he is (8 g, 3 a) the Red Army should enjoy several two point nights.
STEVE HAND: B+
-After a slow start, the Handy Man is finding his groove. With six goals and five assists, he is beginning to blossom into the center that General Manager Sergei Lovfrotov thought he could be when he drafted Steve 17th overall in the 2006 draft. The argument that Steve racks up points playing with Mark can be thrown out the window, as most of the captain's points have come playing on a line with Chris. And net presence? How about a crease violation bitches. That's parking your ass in front.
BRIAN "BEEGE" HENDRICKS: A
-Some fans have been hard on the Beege for not scoring as much this season, but his defensive game has improved drastically. Arguably the fastest skater on the team, his ability to jump into a play and still get back on defense makes him invaluable. Him and Ben have to the defense done what ABC has done to so many homes, and completely remodeled it. Usually Mother Russia sees her goals against be one of the highest in the division, this season it is fifth lowest. Out of twelve teams that may not seem that amazing, but when a team scores as much as the Soviets do, that can be a recipe for success. And who here thinks Beege won't actually finish with close to ten goals?
MARK HENDRICKS: A
Mark has played a smarter game this season. More puck possession and less rushes. He still passes at blatant shooting opportunities, and shoots at blatant passing opportunities, but the bottom line is the players around him are playing better when he is out there. He seldom sees a game where his plus minus isn't positive. The only thing keeping him from an A+ is the close games that Mother Russia continues to lose. If you are the leading scorer on a team, you should be able to find a way to get one when it counts. We've grown weary of the almost comebacks. Bring us all the way back once. Preferably in a playoff game.
NEAL HENDRICKS: B-
-If Neal were an XBOX controller, his right joystick would only go left and right. This kid has hands of gold and can stick handle inside a phone booth. He also passes up on every shot to try and find one more deke. His nine goal explosion earlier this season shows what type of player he can be when he shoots and drives hard to the net. If he played like that every game, not that he would be rewarded with 9 points each night, he would certainly draw more penalties and create more chances. If he steps up his game, this offense could go from potent to lethal.
TONY HORTON: A-
-Germany himself has experienced a very hot start to this season. He has seven points through seven games, with six of them being goals. Him and Beege have developed into a great defensive pairing and his play with the puck is becoming more and more poised. If he can monitor when to jump into the play and when to hold back, he'll be seeing a + on the end of that A shortly.
PAT KING: B-
-Pat, like Dave Chapelle, needs to find himself. As soon as he finds success doing something, he strays from it. Early in the season Pat was butter, and you better believe it. He even netted his first career hat trick. But instead of continuing parking himself in the front for one timers in the slot, and taking buzz bombs, he has looked a bit lost out there the past few games. Pat has one of the hardest shots on the team, and his comrades want to see it more. With five points in the first half of the season, a ten point second half would be a nice improvement. He just has to get close to goal territory.
BRIAN ROBINSON: B
Good. Just getting to know him, but good.
ANDREW SCHRAM: B
Four points through 7 games is a good pace for Andy, who is known for his stay at home play. He has to watch the penalties, as he can take them at untimely times. His skating is progressing slowly but his hands have improved in leaps and bounds this year. A reasonable goal would be a ten point season, but if he can reach the 15 point plateau by season's end he can expect an article devoted to him.
JAMIE SIMEK: B
Jamie plays a very safe game and because of that is rarely on for a goal against. He has perfected the art of the dump and chase but could use a little work on the breakout. When he plays the team is better, but he plays only 2 games a season.
BEN BREITERMAN: A+
-Ben's knack for staying cool, calm, and collective with the puck merits him the only A+ of the group. The defense has played much better with him there, and Kraus's confidence is growing. His ability to get the puck up to the forwards with a quick pass to jump start the rush is the reason this team is heading in the right direction. The team's success may very well hinge on his play.
CHRIS DUHAIME: B
-Chris has the raw talent to be a 30 goal scorer in this league but has the reputation for playing inconsistent. He is the Alexander Semin of the Red Army. One game he can single handily take over a game with a five goal explosion, the next game he can punchasize somebody's face and get kicked out. At least he does it without playing the bongos. If Chris continues chipping in at the rate he is (8 g, 3 a) the Red Army should enjoy several two point nights.
STEVE HAND: B+
-After a slow start, the Handy Man is finding his groove. With six goals and five assists, he is beginning to blossom into the center that General Manager Sergei Lovfrotov thought he could be when he drafted Steve 17th overall in the 2006 draft. The argument that Steve racks up points playing with Mark can be thrown out the window, as most of the captain's points have come playing on a line with Chris. And net presence? How about a crease violation bitches. That's parking your ass in front.
BRIAN "BEEGE" HENDRICKS: A
-Some fans have been hard on the Beege for not scoring as much this season, but his defensive game has improved drastically. Arguably the fastest skater on the team, his ability to jump into a play and still get back on defense makes him invaluable. Him and Ben have to the defense done what ABC has done to so many homes, and completely remodeled it. Usually Mother Russia sees her goals against be one of the highest in the division, this season it is fifth lowest. Out of twelve teams that may not seem that amazing, but when a team scores as much as the Soviets do, that can be a recipe for success. And who here thinks Beege won't actually finish with close to ten goals?
MARK HENDRICKS: A
Mark has played a smarter game this season. More puck possession and less rushes. He still passes at blatant shooting opportunities, and shoots at blatant passing opportunities, but the bottom line is the players around him are playing better when he is out there. He seldom sees a game where his plus minus isn't positive. The only thing keeping him from an A+ is the close games that Mother Russia continues to lose. If you are the leading scorer on a team, you should be able to find a way to get one when it counts. We've grown weary of the almost comebacks. Bring us all the way back once. Preferably in a playoff game.
NEAL HENDRICKS: B-
-If Neal were an XBOX controller, his right joystick would only go left and right. This kid has hands of gold and can stick handle inside a phone booth. He also passes up on every shot to try and find one more deke. His nine goal explosion earlier this season shows what type of player he can be when he shoots and drives hard to the net. If he played like that every game, not that he would be rewarded with 9 points each night, he would certainly draw more penalties and create more chances. If he steps up his game, this offense could go from potent to lethal.
TONY HORTON: A-
-Germany himself has experienced a very hot start to this season. He has seven points through seven games, with six of them being goals. Him and Beege have developed into a great defensive pairing and his play with the puck is becoming more and more poised. If he can monitor when to jump into the play and when to hold back, he'll be seeing a + on the end of that A shortly.
PAT KING: B-
-Pat, like Dave Chapelle, needs to find himself. As soon as he finds success doing something, he strays from it. Early in the season Pat was butter, and you better believe it. He even netted his first career hat trick. But instead of continuing parking himself in the front for one timers in the slot, and taking buzz bombs, he has looked a bit lost out there the past few games. Pat has one of the hardest shots on the team, and his comrades want to see it more. With five points in the first half of the season, a ten point second half would be a nice improvement. He just has to get close to goal territory.
BRIAN ROBINSON: B
Good. Just getting to know him, but good.
ANDREW SCHRAM: B
Four points through 7 games is a good pace for Andy, who is known for his stay at home play. He has to watch the penalties, as he can take them at untimely times. His skating is progressing slowly but his hands have improved in leaps and bounds this year. A reasonable goal would be a ten point season, but if he can reach the 15 point plateau by season's end he can expect an article devoted to him.
JAMIE SIMEK: B
Jamie plays a very safe game and because of that is rarely on for a goal against. He has perfected the art of the dump and chase but could use a little work on the breakout. When he plays the team is better, but he plays only 2 games a season.
Red Army Wins, Slips Into a Tie for 4th Place
Prestige this! After a tough loss to the Mad Dads on Thursday, Mother Russia took and took it hard to their Bronze Division rival Prestige Worldwide and beat them 5-2. Ben Breiterman, who missed Thursday's game, led the team in scoring with two goals and assist and made sure the game was never close.
Captain Steve Hand started the scoring on a two on one with Mark Hendricks. Hendricks fed Steve, who corralled the puck and whipped a shot far side. The strike was Hand's sixth of the season and 11th point, which puts him in a tie with Tony Horton for 3rd in goals a tie for 2nd with Chris Duhaime in points. "I'm more confident with the puck now." Hand told reporters as he worked out on a bike after the game. "I can skate better with my head up and don't always think pass first. Now if I have a shot I'm going to take it. Take it like a Polaroid picture."
The lead was increased to 2-0 a few minutes later on the power play. Andy Schram, playing the point, fired a low wrister on goal where Ben was waiting. The initial shot was saved, but the rebound found only twine. Mark would make the lead 3-0 in the final minute of the first, intercepting a pass in his own zone and deeking the last defender before moving in on a breakaway from center. He deked left, then right, then left, then right, then east, then west, then north, the south south east, then north again, then did a motorcycle leg kick, then threw in a triple deke, faked backhand, and scored on the forehand. He then almost fell when high fiving Brian "Beege" Hendricks on the celebration. "I love breakaways." Mark told reporters. "It's a chance for me to see how much I can dangle before I absolutely have to shoot. Though I suppose attempting a wrap around would give me at least one more second to curl and drag it."
Ben would add another one early in the second before Prestige ruined Kraus's perfect night with a goal. Neal Hendricks netted his first official goal of the season with a backhand that ricocheted off of the goalie from the goal line. "Yes!" A happy Neal said afterwards. Pat King and Beege were credited with assists.
With the win, Red Army is now in a four way tie for that coveted fourth place spot. With half the season done, Mother Russia is 4-3. To get that 4th spot, 5-2 will probably be the goal for the back seven. Keep it real Comrades.
Captain Steve Hand started the scoring on a two on one with Mark Hendricks. Hendricks fed Steve, who corralled the puck and whipped a shot far side. The strike was Hand's sixth of the season and 11th point, which puts him in a tie with Tony Horton for 3rd in goals a tie for 2nd with Chris Duhaime in points. "I'm more confident with the puck now." Hand told reporters as he worked out on a bike after the game. "I can skate better with my head up and don't always think pass first. Now if I have a shot I'm going to take it. Take it like a Polaroid picture."
The lead was increased to 2-0 a few minutes later on the power play. Andy Schram, playing the point, fired a low wrister on goal where Ben was waiting. The initial shot was saved, but the rebound found only twine. Mark would make the lead 3-0 in the final minute of the first, intercepting a pass in his own zone and deeking the last defender before moving in on a breakaway from center. He deked left, then right, then left, then right, then east, then west, then north, the south south east, then north again, then did a motorcycle leg kick, then threw in a triple deke, faked backhand, and scored on the forehand. He then almost fell when high fiving Brian "Beege" Hendricks on the celebration. "I love breakaways." Mark told reporters. "It's a chance for me to see how much I can dangle before I absolutely have to shoot. Though I suppose attempting a wrap around would give me at least one more second to curl and drag it."
Ben would add another one early in the second before Prestige ruined Kraus's perfect night with a goal. Neal Hendricks netted his first official goal of the season with a backhand that ricocheted off of the goalie from the goal line. "Yes!" A happy Neal said afterwards. Pat King and Beege were credited with assists.
With the win, Red Army is now in a four way tie for that coveted fourth place spot. With half the season done, Mother Russia is 4-3. To get that 4th spot, 5-2 will probably be the goal for the back seven. Keep it real Comrades.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Domestic Abuse in Mad Dad's Win over Mother Russia
The Red Army lost to the Mad Dad's this past Thursday, squandering two points that could prove to be all too significant this August. The Furious Fathers, backed by perennial all star goaltender Chris Celenski, staved off the last second attacks by Mother Russia and secured a 5-4 victory in front of a deafening Soviet cheering section.
Mark Hendricks opened the scoring after taking a nice pass from Steve Hand. Hendricks, in on a partial breakaway, out waited Celenski and potted one upstairs to give the Comrades an early lead. "Anytime we play (Celenski) it's important to pick your spots." Mark said after the game. "With some goalies if I shoot hard enough it will go in on them. With him you better have that speed on your shot and your corner picked. Like that first goal, I just had to wait and wait and wait, and then put it top shelf where the dust rag can't reach."
The lead was short lived, as the Pissed Off Patriarchs stormed back and evened the score at one. Kraus, who shined just as bright as Celenski, was unable to stop a screened shot. "Our defense has been good, boys." A malnourished Kraus told reporters. "Come on boys, I say, clear the zone eh. Pucks to the corners not the front, right eh? But sometimes, ya know, it's tough when your under pressure eh? Guess I can't fault em too much, I got to make some saves through screens. Come on boys."
The boys came on to the Dads... hold on stop right there. There has to be a better way to start that sentence. On the first shift of the second period, Steve collected a feed from Brian "Beege" Hendricks and fired one near side that eluded Celenski. "I was happy to get one right there." Steve said. "It was huge, but we have to figure out a way to ride that momentum wave through the whole period. We took our foot off the gas and they didn't. In fact, they were in the HOV lane in that second period."
Mother Russia's period was a messy one... hold on. Wow. Okay how about this... The second frame was the turning point of the game. The Mad Dad's out skated, out hustled, out worked, and ultimately outscored the Soviets. After allowing Steve's early tally, the Malevolent Males went out and scored three goals to give themselves a 4-2 lead as the second period ended.
"It was quiet on the bench between periods." Pat King said. "We weren't on the same page. Only a few people were focused on chipping away and fighting back into the game. Others wanted to start cheap shotting and taking penalties, which as we all know, shouldn't happen until the game is well out of reach. Not butter."
Mark, who had been skating a modest game up until the third, turned on the heat and tried to carry the team on his broader than normal shoulders. There were shifts were he took on multiple Papas in the corners and still came out with the puck. Where Captain Steve leads with his words and fires up players on the bench with his Confucius like wisdom, Alternate Captain Mark leads by example. The Red Army began to skate harder and began winning more puck battles. Much of the final period was played in the Steaming Spermgivers zone, but Celenski continued to direct shots to the corners. Beege and Mark had the best chances, with a backhand by Beege that was stopped by a sprawling Celenski and a one timer blast by Mark that only found glove. The next shift they would find pay dirt. Beege skated the puck into the offensive zone and found a streaking Mark. Mark took the pass, which was rolling on edge, and fired one far side on the goalie. With only six minutes remaining it was a 4-3 game.
In less than a minute, the feeling went from ecstasy to agony. The Angry Pops scored on the next shift, and maintained their two goal bulge. Chris Duhaime would bring the game to within one on a power play with two minutes to play. Mark would have several more scoring opportunities to even the score, but good defense and skate malfunctions proved to be his downfall. The horn sounded and the Mad Dad's skated off the rink victorious, as Mother Russia sobbed into the telephone complaining to her Sister, Sweden.
It was a good effort, and the Red Army's record is still .500 at 3-3. But this is a good team, and even though there have only been two close losses this season, the feeling is getting old. We know Mother Russia can win a game by a wide margin, but can they stay in a close game and find a way to win? Maybe we'll find out this Sunday when they take on Prestige Worldwide. Until then, keep it real Comrades.
Mark Hendricks opened the scoring after taking a nice pass from Steve Hand. Hendricks, in on a partial breakaway, out waited Celenski and potted one upstairs to give the Comrades an early lead. "Anytime we play (Celenski) it's important to pick your spots." Mark said after the game. "With some goalies if I shoot hard enough it will go in on them. With him you better have that speed on your shot and your corner picked. Like that first goal, I just had to wait and wait and wait, and then put it top shelf where the dust rag can't reach."
The lead was short lived, as the Pissed Off Patriarchs stormed back and evened the score at one. Kraus, who shined just as bright as Celenski, was unable to stop a screened shot. "Our defense has been good, boys." A malnourished Kraus told reporters. "Come on boys, I say, clear the zone eh. Pucks to the corners not the front, right eh? But sometimes, ya know, it's tough when your under pressure eh? Guess I can't fault em too much, I got to make some saves through screens. Come on boys."
The boys came on to the Dads... hold on stop right there. There has to be a better way to start that sentence. On the first shift of the second period, Steve collected a feed from Brian "Beege" Hendricks and fired one near side that eluded Celenski. "I was happy to get one right there." Steve said. "It was huge, but we have to figure out a way to ride that momentum wave through the whole period. We took our foot off the gas and they didn't. In fact, they were in the HOV lane in that second period."
Mother Russia's period was a messy one... hold on. Wow. Okay how about this... The second frame was the turning point of the game. The Mad Dad's out skated, out hustled, out worked, and ultimately outscored the Soviets. After allowing Steve's early tally, the Malevolent Males went out and scored three goals to give themselves a 4-2 lead as the second period ended.
"It was quiet on the bench between periods." Pat King said. "We weren't on the same page. Only a few people were focused on chipping away and fighting back into the game. Others wanted to start cheap shotting and taking penalties, which as we all know, shouldn't happen until the game is well out of reach. Not butter."
Mark, who had been skating a modest game up until the third, turned on the heat and tried to carry the team on his broader than normal shoulders. There were shifts were he took on multiple Papas in the corners and still came out with the puck. Where Captain Steve leads with his words and fires up players on the bench with his Confucius like wisdom, Alternate Captain Mark leads by example. The Red Army began to skate harder and began winning more puck battles. Much of the final period was played in the Steaming Spermgivers zone, but Celenski continued to direct shots to the corners. Beege and Mark had the best chances, with a backhand by Beege that was stopped by a sprawling Celenski and a one timer blast by Mark that only found glove. The next shift they would find pay dirt. Beege skated the puck into the offensive zone and found a streaking Mark. Mark took the pass, which was rolling on edge, and fired one far side on the goalie. With only six minutes remaining it was a 4-3 game.
In less than a minute, the feeling went from ecstasy to agony. The Angry Pops scored on the next shift, and maintained their two goal bulge. Chris Duhaime would bring the game to within one on a power play with two minutes to play. Mark would have several more scoring opportunities to even the score, but good defense and skate malfunctions proved to be his downfall. The horn sounded and the Mad Dad's skated off the rink victorious, as Mother Russia sobbed into the telephone complaining to her Sister, Sweden.
It was a good effort, and the Red Army's record is still .500 at 3-3. But this is a good team, and even though there have only been two close losses this season, the feeling is getting old. We know Mother Russia can win a game by a wide margin, but can they stay in a close game and find a way to win? Maybe we'll find out this Sunday when they take on Prestige Worldwide. Until then, keep it real Comrades.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)