In what is becoming a growing trend this season, the Red Army relied on their recently potent offense to win another game. With a seven goal third period, Mother Russia put enough distance between herself and Arrrr to escape with a 12-9 victory.
"It's the type of game you're happy to get two points out of, but we all knew we could have played better," Ryan Odell said. Odell opened the scoring in the first with a slap shot from the point. Still, despite the goal Odell wasn't pleased with the defensive effort. "I think we got a little too excited on offense and hung Tony out to dry to much."
Tony Horton, the Red Army's third string goalie, earned a rare start last night when Matt Kraus and Andy Schram were both unavailable. Though he doesn't have the prettiest of forms, Horton's big frame makes it difficult for opposing teams to find holes.
"I just try to make myself big and hope it hits me," Horton said, while still donning the goalie gear, which, while on him looked like equipment made for second trimester fetuses. "I had a few saves here and there, but all in all they scored when they got rushes. We had to limit the rushes, and we didn't. Lucky for us the offense bailed us out."
The offense did indeed supply the bail out. The "Labia Line" and sometimes Hoefer, combined for eleven goals. Pat King recorded his first hat trick of the season, Ben Breiterman notched a hat trick himself, Mark Hendricks had an explosive third period and finished with four tallies, and Scott Hoefer salted the game away with a score in the waning moments of the game. The hat tricks of hat tricks and Hoefer goal proved to be too much for Arrrr.
"We kind of entered a run and gun game with them," Breiterman told reporters after the game. "When you get into that situation you have to make sure you are finishing your chances. We definitely have guys that can finish and tonight we did what we do best, put the puck in that net. Throw up your "L"s!" Breiterman then gave the international "Labia" sign and proceeded to be fellated by an elder woman in her mid sixties.
Pat King continued his recent success by scoring three goals. His first came on the powerplay when he had a mini breakaway. He skated in tight and deked back and forth, getting the proverbial garage door to open, before depositing a nifty backhand five hole. "Hoefer talked about his five hole so we knew to shoot there," King said. "Hoefer has an eye for five holes, trust me."
King's second goal came on a two on one where he took a cross crease pass from Jerrod Funk and one timed it home. The third and elusive goal came late in the game when him, Hendricks, and Breiterman connected on a three way passing play that ended with King tucking one past the sprawling goaltender. "I'm Hat Trick Mother Fucking Patrick baby!" King yelled as he shotgunned moonshine.
Hendricks, who finished with a season high seven points, played great at times and terrible at others. He still has the tendency to hold on to the puck for too long, and it directly led to at least two goals against tonight. But he also has the tendency to dance through players like a gay on Broadway... and tonight was the opening night of Cats. After netting one in the second, Hendricks scored three in the third on fantastic individual efforts that left Arrrr questioning their religion.
"I had to make up for my atrocious defensive play tonight," Hendricks said. "I'm obviously not going to have the puck on a string every night, but when it was going tonight I had to milk it and see if I could keep this winning streak going. We did a good job of distributing the puck as the game went on, and I think that's when things really opened up for me. Opened up like a labia."
Still though, despite Hendricks' electrifying moves, the story of the night belonged to Hoefer, who scored his first goal of the season. He struck two posts earlier in the game but hit paydirt late in the third when he fired one past the beaten goalie.
"It was glorious," Hoefer said while being mobbed by rushing fans. "I'm glad I got one. As anyone can tell you when I score, I score in bunches. I'll probably have nine next game. I may have to break my ankle first though."
That's it for now. The Red Army is 5-2-1 and is riding a season best four game winning streak. The offense is clicking, but the once immovable defense is yielding goals. If the Soviets can find a goalie, get back to playing their stingy defense, and continue to score at the rate they are now... there may be a parade to plan. Keep it real, Comrades.
THREE STARS
3- Labia Line
2- Ryan, Tony, Jerrod
1- Scott Hoefer
(Everyone gets props for this one)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Comrades Return from All Star Weekend; Ready for Second Half
I'm updating this on the train back from Anchorage, Alaska and I'm not sure how good my internet service is, so I'll have to be brief.
This All Star Weekend proved to be a lot of fun for the four Soviets that the fans voted in. Pat King, Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, and Scott Hoefer all showcased their talents in this weekend's festivities, but are glad to be heading back east where they can focus on their goal: A bronze league championship.
"It's always fun to be a part of these things." Ryan Odell said about participating in his fourth All Star game. "It's great to sign autographs for the fans and mingle with some of the other players that we don't talk to that much during the regular season."
Odell netted a goal and two assists in the game itself, helping the North American Team defeat the World Team in an offense filled 15-9 game. Scott Hoefer and Tony Horton, both of whom (zig) hail from Germany, netted hat tricks for the World Team.
"I'm glad my scoring could continue into the All Star Weekend." Horton told reporters afterward. "It's just about keeping momentum going. Obviously it is never fun to be on the losing side of things, but the game was for show really."
Hoefer, who is a cult icon in Germany, addressed a mob of journalists and interviewers. I wasn't able to get close enough to hear what he was saying, but at one point the entire press conference room was chanting what sounded to be like "Daka cow" or "Danka now". (I'm being told it was in reference to Hoefer's modeling career as a spokesperson for Yooookhooootz Schokoladenmilch, a popular German brand of chocolate milk).
The highlight of the weekend was provided by King, who was caught copulating with a fan when the Kiss Cam panned over to him. It is still unclear how King managed to gain entrance to the bleachers from the bench, make it all the way up to the 400's level while wearing skates, and be in the process of wrapping up, so to speak, in such little time.
"Even though I didn't manage to score during the game, I'm glad I was able to score with a fan." A smug King said. "I know I have the reputation for going top shelf, but today I thought I'd go five hole. And by that, I mean all five holes. LAAAAAABIA!"
With the mid-season skate over with, Mother Russia returns to action on Tuesday against Arrrr. After that game, the Soviets face the Hurricanes on Sunday before the highly anticipated match-up versus the Cryptic Stench. Though it is never good to look past games, the game against the Stench could prove to be a very good measuring stick to see how exactly the Red Army stacks up.
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES:
-Steve Hand and Andy Schram spent their break up in New York City at a hotel bar for a birthday party of the Captain's girlfriend. Hand managed to run up a hefty tab, while Schram managed to run himself outside of the tolerable levels of hotel management.
-Ben Breiterman, Jerrod Funk, and Mark Hendricks spent their weekend attending a charity event at the Children's Hospital in DC. "We had no idea who these athletes were." Chief Resident Doctor Andrea Linoln told reporters. "There jerseys wreaked of body odor and sweat and they spent much of the day hogging the buffet table. We're pretty sure that #56 stole our MRI machine."
This All Star Weekend proved to be a lot of fun for the four Soviets that the fans voted in. Pat King, Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, and Scott Hoefer all showcased their talents in this weekend's festivities, but are glad to be heading back east where they can focus on their goal: A bronze league championship.
"It's always fun to be a part of these things." Ryan Odell said about participating in his fourth All Star game. "It's great to sign autographs for the fans and mingle with some of the other players that we don't talk to that much during the regular season."
Odell netted a goal and two assists in the game itself, helping the North American Team defeat the World Team in an offense filled 15-9 game. Scott Hoefer and Tony Horton, both of whom (zig) hail from Germany, netted hat tricks for the World Team.
"I'm glad my scoring could continue into the All Star Weekend." Horton told reporters afterward. "It's just about keeping momentum going. Obviously it is never fun to be on the losing side of things, but the game was for show really."
Hoefer, who is a cult icon in Germany, addressed a mob of journalists and interviewers. I wasn't able to get close enough to hear what he was saying, but at one point the entire press conference room was chanting what sounded to be like "Daka cow" or "Danka now". (I'm being told it was in reference to Hoefer's modeling career as a spokesperson for Yooookhooootz Schokoladenmilch, a popular German brand of chocolate milk).
The highlight of the weekend was provided by King, who was caught copulating with a fan when the Kiss Cam panned over to him. It is still unclear how King managed to gain entrance to the bleachers from the bench, make it all the way up to the 400's level while wearing skates, and be in the process of wrapping up, so to speak, in such little time.
"Even though I didn't manage to score during the game, I'm glad I was able to score with a fan." A smug King said. "I know I have the reputation for going top shelf, but today I thought I'd go five hole. And by that, I mean all five holes. LAAAAAABIA!"
With the mid-season skate over with, Mother Russia returns to action on Tuesday against Arrrr. After that game, the Soviets face the Hurricanes on Sunday before the highly anticipated match-up versus the Cryptic Stench. Though it is never good to look past games, the game against the Stench could prove to be a very good measuring stick to see how exactly the Red Army stacks up.
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES:
-Steve Hand and Andy Schram spent their break up in New York City at a hotel bar for a birthday party of the Captain's girlfriend. Hand managed to run up a hefty tab, while Schram managed to run himself outside of the tolerable levels of hotel management.
-Ben Breiterman, Jerrod Funk, and Mark Hendricks spent their weekend attending a charity event at the Children's Hospital in DC. "We had no idea who these athletes were." Chief Resident Doctor Andrea Linoln told reporters. "There jerseys wreaked of body odor and sweat and they spent much of the day hogging the buffet table. We're pretty sure that #56 stole our MRI machine."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Red Army Hitting Its Stride at Midway Point of Season
It wasn't the prettiest of games tonight, but Mother Russia earned another two points and improved her record to 4-2-1 before heading into the All Star Weekend. At times, those two points were in jeopardy, as many of the Soviets appeared to emulate the style of play an All Star game entails: all offense, no defense. Thanks too timely blocked shots and 180 foot goals however, the Red Army skated off to a thrilling 13-9 victory in front of a packed house at Dulles.
"It was key for us." Captain Steve Hand said, who injured his shoulder in the third period and did not return for action afterward. "Many of us were already in the mindset of a week long break, so we definitely were guilty of taking some shifts off. But, the bottom line is that we came out on top. Much like my love life, I enjoy the top."
The week long break should help Hand recover from his bruised shoulder, and if the Red Army wants to continue climbing in the standings they better hope their captain can continue finding the back of the net like he did tonight.
Linemate of the Captain, Tony Horton, showed why he was drafted 11th overall two years ago when he scored a goal late in the first to give the Comrades a 3-2 edge. The power forward picked up the puck near center and burned the defense on the outside before firing one past the goalie.
"I just took the puck and new I had a lane." Horton told reporters. "When I see something that I want, I get it. I... get... it. It's in my blood. If you try to get in my way I'll either get through you or put you in a camp."
Still, despite the highlight reel goal of Tony "The Aryan Racer" Horton, the trio of Pat King, Mark Hendricks, and Ben Breiterman, or as the fans affectionately call them, the "Labia Line", stole the show for the second straight game. The three of them combined for nine goals and most likely 18 assists (though Scott Hoefer chipped in with a few helpers as well).
"We were feeling it tonight." King said. "It took a while for us to get going. Ben got a few early and then cooled down, but Mark and I were not producing in the first. If I know one thing about the Labia Line though, is that if we keep working and working and make sure that we slow it down a bit, then speed it up, then slow it down again... we'll get the results we want. We have to make sure we don't shoot to early though. Sometimes things take a little time to develop and you don't want to blow your shot prematurely. Trust me, I'm a doctor."
Both of King's goals, as they tend to be, were top shelfers. One right where Uncle Gerald stores the baby Tylenol, and one right where Aunt Maggie hides her vibrator. The Labia Line has a knack for scoring pretty goals, and tonight King wasn't the only one providing the highlights. Mark Hendricks scored his first goal on a pretty give and go with Breiterman, his second on a gorgeous tip on a shot from Breiterman, his third on a wicked wrist shot in the slot, and his fourth on an orgasmic backhand to the roof.
"I won't lie, I had some highlight reel fucking goals tonight." A more smug than usual Hendricks told reporters. "I mean, I won't go and say that I'm just showing the fans what they are missing by not voting me into the All Star Festivities, but I will say I'm definitely saying a "fuck you" to all the people that didn't vote for me. Fucking democracy."
"Yeah, fuck democracy." Horton added.
Even with the goals of King and Hendricks though, tonight was the coming out party for Breiterman. After two nice early goals, he one upped himself with a 180 foot buzz bomb that rang the iron before finding the back of the net. The goal, which sent countless hats raining down onto the blue surface, will live in Red Army lore for many years.
"Yeah you know, football teams have hail mary plays, I have that play. The old 180 foot buzz bomb. Though, I think a more apt name would be the torpedo, with the blue surface and all and just ridiculous amount of time it takes to get to the goal. Whatever, I'm back baby! Laaaaaaaabia!"
The back and forth action allowed the offense to have a bit of fun tonight, though I wouldn't expect to see that same type of nonchalant effort put forth against a better opponent. For now, the team rests up until Tuesday's tilt against Arrrr.
Enjoy those two points, Comrades.
OTHER NOTES
-Scott Hoefer made a great shot block late in the second when he took one in the ass to make the play. It is uncertain if his grundle will ever forgive him.
-Ryan Odell had a beautiful backhand goal in the second period. If I didn't have class early in the morning I would explain it in full detail. Still though, adjectives would not do it justice, so I'll just say that it was 'bonerfying'.
-Andy Schram didn't have his best night in goal, but he made the saves when he had to and improved his record to 3-0. It doesn't matter what you say, if you're 3-0 you're doing something right.
-The fans voted and are sending four Red Army players to Anchorage for this years All Star Weekend. Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, Scott Hoefer, and Pat King are all partaking in the festivities. In the skills challenge, Horton is doing the speed event, Odell the fastest shot and shot blocking events, Hoefer is doing the new skate race event, and King is only there to impregnate the state of Alaska and make sure people have a good time. There will be an update about the red carpet ceremonies and such later in the week.
THREE STARS
3- Ryan Odell
2- Tony Horton
1- LAAAAAAABIA (+ Hoefer on most of them)
"It was key for us." Captain Steve Hand said, who injured his shoulder in the third period and did not return for action afterward. "Many of us were already in the mindset of a week long break, so we definitely were guilty of taking some shifts off. But, the bottom line is that we came out on top. Much like my love life, I enjoy the top."
The week long break should help Hand recover from his bruised shoulder, and if the Red Army wants to continue climbing in the standings they better hope their captain can continue finding the back of the net like he did tonight.
Linemate of the Captain, Tony Horton, showed why he was drafted 11th overall two years ago when he scored a goal late in the first to give the Comrades a 3-2 edge. The power forward picked up the puck near center and burned the defense on the outside before firing one past the goalie.
"I just took the puck and new I had a lane." Horton told reporters. "When I see something that I want, I get it. I... get... it. It's in my blood. If you try to get in my way I'll either get through you or put you in a camp."
Still, despite the highlight reel goal of Tony "The Aryan Racer" Horton, the trio of Pat King, Mark Hendricks, and Ben Breiterman, or as the fans affectionately call them, the "Labia Line", stole the show for the second straight game. The three of them combined for nine goals and most likely 18 assists (though Scott Hoefer chipped in with a few helpers as well).
"We were feeling it tonight." King said. "It took a while for us to get going. Ben got a few early and then cooled down, but Mark and I were not producing in the first. If I know one thing about the Labia Line though, is that if we keep working and working and make sure that we slow it down a bit, then speed it up, then slow it down again... we'll get the results we want. We have to make sure we don't shoot to early though. Sometimes things take a little time to develop and you don't want to blow your shot prematurely. Trust me, I'm a doctor."
Both of King's goals, as they tend to be, were top shelfers. One right where Uncle Gerald stores the baby Tylenol, and one right where Aunt Maggie hides her vibrator. The Labia Line has a knack for scoring pretty goals, and tonight King wasn't the only one providing the highlights. Mark Hendricks scored his first goal on a pretty give and go with Breiterman, his second on a gorgeous tip on a shot from Breiterman, his third on a wicked wrist shot in the slot, and his fourth on an orgasmic backhand to the roof.
"I won't lie, I had some highlight reel fucking goals tonight." A more smug than usual Hendricks told reporters. "I mean, I won't go and say that I'm just showing the fans what they are missing by not voting me into the All Star Festivities, but I will say I'm definitely saying a "fuck you" to all the people that didn't vote for me. Fucking democracy."
"Yeah, fuck democracy." Horton added.
Even with the goals of King and Hendricks though, tonight was the coming out party for Breiterman. After two nice early goals, he one upped himself with a 180 foot buzz bomb that rang the iron before finding the back of the net. The goal, which sent countless hats raining down onto the blue surface, will live in Red Army lore for many years.
"Yeah you know, football teams have hail mary plays, I have that play. The old 180 foot buzz bomb. Though, I think a more apt name would be the torpedo, with the blue surface and all and just ridiculous amount of time it takes to get to the goal. Whatever, I'm back baby! Laaaaaaaabia!"
The back and forth action allowed the offense to have a bit of fun tonight, though I wouldn't expect to see that same type of nonchalant effort put forth against a better opponent. For now, the team rests up until Tuesday's tilt against Arrrr.
Enjoy those two points, Comrades.
OTHER NOTES
-Scott Hoefer made a great shot block late in the second when he took one in the ass to make the play. It is uncertain if his grundle will ever forgive him.
-Ryan Odell had a beautiful backhand goal in the second period. If I didn't have class early in the morning I would explain it in full detail. Still though, adjectives would not do it justice, so I'll just say that it was 'bonerfying'.
-Andy Schram didn't have his best night in goal, but he made the saves when he had to and improved his record to 3-0. It doesn't matter what you say, if you're 3-0 you're doing something right.
-The fans voted and are sending four Red Army players to Anchorage for this years All Star Weekend. Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, Scott Hoefer, and Pat King are all partaking in the festivities. In the skills challenge, Horton is doing the speed event, Odell the fastest shot and shot blocking events, Hoefer is doing the new skate race event, and King is only there to impregnate the state of Alaska and make sure people have a good time. There will be an update about the red carpet ceremonies and such later in the week.
THREE STARS
3- Ryan Odell
2- Tony Horton
1- LAAAAAAABIA (+ Hoefer on most of them)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Red Army Now A Force To Be Reckoned With
In the grueling 14 game season that is Dulles Sportsplex Adult Inline Hockey, there are games that can make statements. Tonight's game was a statement. The Red Army, outmatched in skill, speed, and nearly every other category that EA Sports uses to rate players, did not back down. Instead, in a truly communist manner, they showed that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and played their system to a "T", vaulting them to a thrilling 5-4 victory in front of a raucous crowd.
The scoring started in the first when Mark Hendricks took a rink wide feed from Ben Breiterman and fired a one timer that ricocheted off the goaltender and in. For the entire shift, Mother Russia had established a good forecheck and cut off the Puck Ewes' passes. The hard work paid off.
"I saw him floating around in the slot, so once I threw it over to him I knew it was going in." Breiterman said after the game. "Yeah, that Mark guy can finish. I tell you something man, he is also a great set up guy. Now I'm not just talking about hockey here, I'm talking about women. That guy, #18 yeah you know him, he is a great wing man. In hockey, with women, in life... just in general. He is a good guy. Yeah that's what I said. Quote me."
Hendricks would tack on one more a few moments later as time was winding down in the period. Again, Breiterman found him in the slot and Hendricks unleashed a wicket slap shot that found its way to the back of the net.
"I just can't say enough about how awesome Mark is." Breiterman continued. "I mean, normally he is setting me up but I guess I owe him a few passes for all of the passes he didn't take on the girls that I like. Catch my drift. Solid gentleman that guy is. First class, really."
The man love rubbed off on the other team mates. Yes, I'm "sticking" with that sentence. Pat King, playing on the first line this evening, proved to be the peanut butter to the jam that is Hendricks. They combined for four goals and many sandwiches. King's first tally increased the bulge to three early in the second. After retrieving the puck in the corner, Hendricks threw a pass to King who was streaking down the middle untouched. King corralled the puck and flipped a shot top shelf where Mommy keeps the Nicorette.
"Smooth as dick butter." King told reporters after wards, sporting a "Dick Butter" t shirt that teammate Ryan Odell had handed out players before the game. "Yeah, it's become our slogan. See, what do superhero's use as lubrication? Butter. Exactly. So it makes sense that we should only embrace some sort of superhero themed slogan. We're still weighing the slogans though. I think, "I can't believe that's on my Penis" is the front runner. Time will tell, time will tell."
And about the goal?
"Oh, fucking butter." King said.
King too, would make it a two goal night as he stuffed one past the goalie later in the period to make it a 4-0 game. The goal came after a long Soviet power play that saw many shots and chances in close. Once the teams got back to even strength, King found the five hole and provided what then seemed like the back breaker.
But it was not.
Puck Ewes stormed back and finally pierced Sean Goalie Man to make it 4-1 after two.
"We were calm on the bench." Captain Hand told reporters on a phone conference after the game. "I think we knew that we had to- hold on- yeah hi can I get a number three please? Large. Yeah. Oh... hmm Sprite please. Okay, thank you. Yeah so we knew we had to keep playing our style. Wait, you're on speaker phone. Can you hear me? Good, so yeah we didn't want to fold like we have the tendency to do. Hold on... There you go. I think i have nine cents... (rustling around) there you are. Oh and can I have sweet and sour sauce? Thanks. Yeah, you guys still there? Okay, yeah I think we needed to play our style. Wait a second, thanks. Alright sorry about that, I'm... wait, oh still in park, there we go, yeah but that was what we talked about on the bench."
And where was the captain during this phone conference?
"Doctor's office. Yeah, I got banged up a bit so I just had to run to the doctor's to get some tests done make sure I can play on Tuesday. This might sound confusing, like a drive thru window or something, and it might make sense to you because I might have the drunk munchies from a day of drinking, but I don't. My doctor is very technological. You order procedures on a number scale. Yeah, like I got the number three, so x-rays on my wrists. He's so innovative."
Wendy's runs aside, the Captain and company did suffer a bit of a set back in the third. Two early goals against had Mother Russia back on her heels, heels that she had just bought for the ball, too. But, thanks to keeping up their aggressive play, the Soviets drew a string of penalties and eventually capitalized. Odell took a feed from Hendricks and whipped a shot past the goalie, who was being screened by Hand.
"I had been firing all day." Odell said, who had a team high 39 blocked shots (narrowly eking out Sean Goalie Man). "When that one went in it was huge. Especially after the disallowed goal we just had, we needed it. It's just what the doctor ordered. And, I'm sure you guys know this, but my goal streak is now at three games. Yeah, Mike Green better start worrying."
The Puck Ewes would throw an slew of pucks on goal the remaining eight minutes and even get to within one, but after that the defense cracked down and shut the door. Scott Hoefer proved why he was moved back to defense and he too blocked shots and helped clear the zone.
"Just doing my job." A humble Hoefer told reporters after the game. "I don't like getting scored on. I hate it. I take it personal. If someone scores on me when I'm out there, I find them, and I make sure they never do it again. You understand." Hoefer's humbleness and now turned to rage. "No buddy fucking scores you hear me?!?"
It's unclear whether or not a new Powerade machine will be available for next game.
The Puck Ewes were unable to dent the twine the remaining few minutes, and everyone's favorite Comrades skated away with two points. Now at 3-2-1, a fun record to say in general, the Red Army has started to assert herself as a force to be reckoned with. With back to back wins over good teams, can the Red Army be considered one of the "good" teams as well? I'll hold my opinion until the midway point of the season (this Tuesday at 10 versus the Well Mannered Sea Bass). Two more points there, and I'll hop on the bandwagon... if there's room.
Keep it fresh Stalin Lovers.
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES
-Andrew Schram provided the in game entertainment tonight.
-The line of Tony Horton and Steve Hand proved to be a good pairing. If those two can supplement there defense with a goal here or there, they might have a stew going.
-Ben Breiterman remains goalless on the year. It is unclear whether or not the Red Army Brass is going to search for a newer guy Ben.
THREE STARS
3- Mark Hendricks
2- Ryan Odell
1- Pat King
HONORABLE MENTIONS
The rest of the roster... just an awesome game.
The scoring started in the first when Mark Hendricks took a rink wide feed from Ben Breiterman and fired a one timer that ricocheted off the goaltender and in. For the entire shift, Mother Russia had established a good forecheck and cut off the Puck Ewes' passes. The hard work paid off.
"I saw him floating around in the slot, so once I threw it over to him I knew it was going in." Breiterman said after the game. "Yeah, that Mark guy can finish. I tell you something man, he is also a great set up guy. Now I'm not just talking about hockey here, I'm talking about women. That guy, #18 yeah you know him, he is a great wing man. In hockey, with women, in life... just in general. He is a good guy. Yeah that's what I said. Quote me."
Hendricks would tack on one more a few moments later as time was winding down in the period. Again, Breiterman found him in the slot and Hendricks unleashed a wicket slap shot that found its way to the back of the net.
"I just can't say enough about how awesome Mark is." Breiterman continued. "I mean, normally he is setting me up but I guess I owe him a few passes for all of the passes he didn't take on the girls that I like. Catch my drift. Solid gentleman that guy is. First class, really."
The man love rubbed off on the other team mates. Yes, I'm "sticking" with that sentence. Pat King, playing on the first line this evening, proved to be the peanut butter to the jam that is Hendricks. They combined for four goals and many sandwiches. King's first tally increased the bulge to three early in the second. After retrieving the puck in the corner, Hendricks threw a pass to King who was streaking down the middle untouched. King corralled the puck and flipped a shot top shelf where Mommy keeps the Nicorette.
"Smooth as dick butter." King told reporters after wards, sporting a "Dick Butter" t shirt that teammate Ryan Odell had handed out players before the game. "Yeah, it's become our slogan. See, what do superhero's use as lubrication? Butter. Exactly. So it makes sense that we should only embrace some sort of superhero themed slogan. We're still weighing the slogans though. I think, "I can't believe that's on my Penis" is the front runner. Time will tell, time will tell."
And about the goal?
"Oh, fucking butter." King said.
King too, would make it a two goal night as he stuffed one past the goalie later in the period to make it a 4-0 game. The goal came after a long Soviet power play that saw many shots and chances in close. Once the teams got back to even strength, King found the five hole and provided what then seemed like the back breaker.
But it was not.
Puck Ewes stormed back and finally pierced Sean Goalie Man to make it 4-1 after two.
"We were calm on the bench." Captain Hand told reporters on a phone conference after the game. "I think we knew that we had to- hold on- yeah hi can I get a number three please? Large. Yeah. Oh... hmm Sprite please. Okay, thank you. Yeah so we knew we had to keep playing our style. Wait, you're on speaker phone. Can you hear me? Good, so yeah we didn't want to fold like we have the tendency to do. Hold on... There you go. I think i have nine cents... (rustling around) there you are. Oh and can I have sweet and sour sauce? Thanks. Yeah, you guys still there? Okay, yeah I think we needed to play our style. Wait a second, thanks. Alright sorry about that, I'm... wait, oh still in park, there we go, yeah but that was what we talked about on the bench."
And where was the captain during this phone conference?
"Doctor's office. Yeah, I got banged up a bit so I just had to run to the doctor's to get some tests done make sure I can play on Tuesday. This might sound confusing, like a drive thru window or something, and it might make sense to you because I might have the drunk munchies from a day of drinking, but I don't. My doctor is very technological. You order procedures on a number scale. Yeah, like I got the number three, so x-rays on my wrists. He's so innovative."
Wendy's runs aside, the Captain and company did suffer a bit of a set back in the third. Two early goals against had Mother Russia back on her heels, heels that she had just bought for the ball, too. But, thanks to keeping up their aggressive play, the Soviets drew a string of penalties and eventually capitalized. Odell took a feed from Hendricks and whipped a shot past the goalie, who was being screened by Hand.
"I had been firing all day." Odell said, who had a team high 39 blocked shots (narrowly eking out Sean Goalie Man). "When that one went in it was huge. Especially after the disallowed goal we just had, we needed it. It's just what the doctor ordered. And, I'm sure you guys know this, but my goal streak is now at three games. Yeah, Mike Green better start worrying."
The Puck Ewes would throw an slew of pucks on goal the remaining eight minutes and even get to within one, but after that the defense cracked down and shut the door. Scott Hoefer proved why he was moved back to defense and he too blocked shots and helped clear the zone.
"Just doing my job." A humble Hoefer told reporters after the game. "I don't like getting scored on. I hate it. I take it personal. If someone scores on me when I'm out there, I find them, and I make sure they never do it again. You understand." Hoefer's humbleness and now turned to rage. "No buddy fucking scores you hear me?!?"
It's unclear whether or not a new Powerade machine will be available for next game.
The Puck Ewes were unable to dent the twine the remaining few minutes, and everyone's favorite Comrades skated away with two points. Now at 3-2-1, a fun record to say in general, the Red Army has started to assert herself as a force to be reckoned with. With back to back wins over good teams, can the Red Army be considered one of the "good" teams as well? I'll hold my opinion until the midway point of the season (this Tuesday at 10 versus the Well Mannered Sea Bass). Two more points there, and I'll hop on the bandwagon... if there's room.
Keep it fresh Stalin Lovers.
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES
-Andrew Schram provided the in game entertainment tonight.
-The line of Tony Horton and Steve Hand proved to be a good pairing. If those two can supplement there defense with a goal here or there, they might have a stew going.
-Ben Breiterman remains goalless on the year. It is unclear whether or not the Red Army Brass is going to search for a newer guy Ben.
THREE STARS
3- Mark Hendricks
2- Ryan Odell
1- Pat King
HONORABLE MENTIONS
The rest of the roster... just an awesome game.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Mother Russia Bitch Slaps Mad Dads
The Red Army looked good tonight, damn good. Passing was crisp, shots aplenty, and the amount of puck possession was off the charts. What was the reason behind these sudden improvements? A few reasons:
1) The return of Ben. Yes folks, with this man in the lineup the Red Army is a completely different team. The plays he makes instills confidence in the other players, thereby making the whole team around him better.
2) Tony to offense. For a season or two, Tony has become a goat among fans for abandoning the zone too quickly in search of a goal. Putting him on offense last night was nothing short of genius. He still had the defensive mindset, and ended up being the most defensively minded offenseman. It allowed Mark and company to poach around for opportunities longer while the Big Rig could hustle back.
3) Schram in net. Where the hell did this come from? Andy improved his record to 2-0-0 last night with a win, making many fans wonder just when exactly will he be given the number one role. Through two games, Schram has a GAA of 4.50. For those of you unfamiliar with what makes a good GAA in Dulles, anything under 9 is good.
Well, that being said, it was nice to see the offense get spread out last night. Mark finished with two goals and an assist. Tony enjoyed a three point night as well with two goals and a helper. The Hand-man notched a goal on a pretty two on one with Tony and tacked on an assist. Ryan had a buzz bomb from the point on the power play to increase his goal total on the year to four.
THREE STARS:
3: Jerrod Funk
2: Mark Hendricks
1: Tony Horton
Attendance: 2 (42)
1) The return of Ben. Yes folks, with this man in the lineup the Red Army is a completely different team. The plays he makes instills confidence in the other players, thereby making the whole team around him better.
2) Tony to offense. For a season or two, Tony has become a goat among fans for abandoning the zone too quickly in search of a goal. Putting him on offense last night was nothing short of genius. He still had the defensive mindset, and ended up being the most defensively minded offenseman. It allowed Mark and company to poach around for opportunities longer while the Big Rig could hustle back.
3) Schram in net. Where the hell did this come from? Andy improved his record to 2-0-0 last night with a win, making many fans wonder just when exactly will he be given the number one role. Through two games, Schram has a GAA of 4.50. For those of you unfamiliar with what makes a good GAA in Dulles, anything under 9 is good.
Well, that being said, it was nice to see the offense get spread out last night. Mark finished with two goals and an assist. Tony enjoyed a three point night as well with two goals and a helper. The Hand-man notched a goal on a pretty two on one with Tony and tacked on an assist. Ryan had a buzz bomb from the point on the power play to increase his goal total on the year to four.
THREE STARS:
3: Jerrod Funk
2: Mark Hendricks
1: Tony Horton
Attendance: 2 (42)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Everybody on the Deck Hit the Fucking Floor, But Stay on Your Mother Fucking Toes...
Ben is back.
He is going to kick ass.
Everyone's ass.
He is going to kick ass.
Everyone's ass.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Schram Goes Nuts, Backstops Mother Russia to First Win of Season Against Strangers
Andrew Schram got a call from alternate captain Mark Hendricks about an hour before the game telling him that Matt Kraus would not be able to suit up. Without hesitation, or a cup, Schram replied, "I'll play." With no backups available, Hendricks agreed to let him suit up, completely oblivious to the fact that he had just incited a goaltending controversy.
"(Andrew) Jenkins couldn't play and I couldn't find anyone else." Hendricks said after the game. "Andy had played a few games before and done alright, so I knew if we kept their shots to the outside and let him see the puck we would have a slim chance for a victory. But wow, what he did out there was nothing short of epic."
The game started surprisingly well for the Red Army, as they jumped out to an early 3-0 lead. Substitute player Scott #2, scored back to back breakaway goals to open the scoring. Ryan Odell avenged his earlier disallowed goal by ripping a wrister near side. Andy at the other end fended off shot after shot and swallowed every rebound. He was beaten in the waning moments of the first on a breakaway. Still, even with a late goal against, the Red Army had a 3-1 lead going into the second period.
"We were happy." Odell said. "But we had to keep playing the same way. If we didn't, we were gonna be in deep (trouble). Some serious deep (trouble). By the way, can you print the word (trouble)? I know when I played abroad in Switzerland last season they were real lenient on words they could allow. I was able to call the Geneva Bears' head coach a (phallic object) sucking (non consensual sex artist). Back here in the states you can't get away with anything. (Forget) that."
Despite a barrage of shots and a power play, the Red Army was unable to convert on any of their chances in the second period. Another late goal against set the table for a thrilling third period. The once three goal lead was now only one, and the tide was turning.
The lead lasted all of ten seconds into the third, as the Strangers capitalized on an untimely turnover to start the period. Two minutes later they took the lead. Two minutes after that, they took a two goal lead. The collapse was happening, and happening fast. Still, a two goal lead is not an envious position to be in. It is, after all, the worst lead in hockey. Schram and his metallic friends shut the door and kept Mother Russia in the game. Shot after shot rang off the iron. Each "ping" louder and more euphoric than the last. Pucks flew all around the net, but they could not elude Schram as he swam around in his crease. One slap shot even seemed to sneak five hole on Schram. But before it could cross the line, Schram put his johnson on the line and made a bonerfide save.
"God damnit that one hurt." Schram told reporters afterwards, icing his testicles. "Took one right on the old sackeroo right there."
With six minutes to play the Red Army called a time out, the game still very much in reach.
"We called it to regroup." Tony Horton said. "We had to get back to basics and stop being so frantic. Ryan calmed people down and told the offense to focus on the breakout and generating speed for an odd man rush."
The time out seemed to work, as the Red Army became more organized after the puck dropped. It appeared that Jerrod Funk had cashed in on a two on one break, but video evidence reviewed by the war room in Silver Spring showed a distinct kicking motion. Moments later, he would score a definitive goal. Hendricks took a shot that hit the goalie and bounced straight up in the air. As the puck began its decent back towards the blue surface, Funk waited until it was below the crossbar, and hacked it in.
"Funk yeah!" Funk yelled.
Still, with two minutes to play, Mother Russia needed a tying tally. As the gonads get tough, the tough get gonadsing. And that's exactly what happened. The Red Army pinned the Strangers in their zone for a long time. Shots were being fired from all angles, and Scott Hoefer, retrieving a puck in the corner, turned and fired a low slap pass to Hendricks. The puck tipped Hendricks' stick, a defender's shin pads, and sneaked five hole on the goalie. With 90 seconds left it was a tie game.
"Anytime it's late in the game you can count on me for an assist." Hoefer said. "Seriously, count on it."
Hoefer, by the way, went 293 for 293 on faceoffs.
Schram would be called on to make one more balls to the wall save, as a defensive breakdown allowed a breakaway with five seconds to go. The puck was fired towards the top corner of the net, above Schram's shoulder. The puck struck the shaft of his stick right on the knob, only this time we are talking about hockey equipment. The game went into overtime, where the Red Army had not won in 7 seasons. They wouldn't have to wait much longer. After a few early saves in the extra session, Hendricks and Funk took the puck on a 2 on 2 through center. Hendricks fired a shot that caromed off the back boards and back to the front of the goal. A Stranger defensman, doing his best Samurai impression, committed hockey sudden death suicide, and accidentally fired the puck into his own net. Pandemonium ensued.
The Red Army improved to 1-1 on the young season. Most of the players are about to and drink, including this reporter, so I'll wrap it up briefly with the three stars.
#3: Scott Hoefer
#2: Ryan Odell
#1: Andy Schram
"(Andrew) Jenkins couldn't play and I couldn't find anyone else." Hendricks said after the game. "Andy had played a few games before and done alright, so I knew if we kept their shots to the outside and let him see the puck we would have a slim chance for a victory. But wow, what he did out there was nothing short of epic."
The game started surprisingly well for the Red Army, as they jumped out to an early 3-0 lead. Substitute player Scott #2, scored back to back breakaway goals to open the scoring. Ryan Odell avenged his earlier disallowed goal by ripping a wrister near side. Andy at the other end fended off shot after shot and swallowed every rebound. He was beaten in the waning moments of the first on a breakaway. Still, even with a late goal against, the Red Army had a 3-1 lead going into the second period.
"We were happy." Odell said. "But we had to keep playing the same way. If we didn't, we were gonna be in deep (trouble). Some serious deep (trouble). By the way, can you print the word (trouble)? I know when I played abroad in Switzerland last season they were real lenient on words they could allow. I was able to call the Geneva Bears' head coach a (phallic object) sucking (non consensual sex artist). Back here in the states you can't get away with anything. (Forget) that."
Despite a barrage of shots and a power play, the Red Army was unable to convert on any of their chances in the second period. Another late goal against set the table for a thrilling third period. The once three goal lead was now only one, and the tide was turning.
The lead lasted all of ten seconds into the third, as the Strangers capitalized on an untimely turnover to start the period. Two minutes later they took the lead. Two minutes after that, they took a two goal lead. The collapse was happening, and happening fast. Still, a two goal lead is not an envious position to be in. It is, after all, the worst lead in hockey. Schram and his metallic friends shut the door and kept Mother Russia in the game. Shot after shot rang off the iron. Each "ping" louder and more euphoric than the last. Pucks flew all around the net, but they could not elude Schram as he swam around in his crease. One slap shot even seemed to sneak five hole on Schram. But before it could cross the line, Schram put his johnson on the line and made a bonerfide save.
"God damnit that one hurt." Schram told reporters afterwards, icing his testicles. "Took one right on the old sackeroo right there."
With six minutes to play the Red Army called a time out, the game still very much in reach.
"We called it to regroup." Tony Horton said. "We had to get back to basics and stop being so frantic. Ryan calmed people down and told the offense to focus on the breakout and generating speed for an odd man rush."
The time out seemed to work, as the Red Army became more organized after the puck dropped. It appeared that Jerrod Funk had cashed in on a two on one break, but video evidence reviewed by the war room in Silver Spring showed a distinct kicking motion. Moments later, he would score a definitive goal. Hendricks took a shot that hit the goalie and bounced straight up in the air. As the puck began its decent back towards the blue surface, Funk waited until it was below the crossbar, and hacked it in.
"Funk yeah!" Funk yelled.
Still, with two minutes to play, Mother Russia needed a tying tally. As the gonads get tough, the tough get gonadsing. And that's exactly what happened. The Red Army pinned the Strangers in their zone for a long time. Shots were being fired from all angles, and Scott Hoefer, retrieving a puck in the corner, turned and fired a low slap pass to Hendricks. The puck tipped Hendricks' stick, a defender's shin pads, and sneaked five hole on the goalie. With 90 seconds left it was a tie game.
"Anytime it's late in the game you can count on me for an assist." Hoefer said. "Seriously, count on it."
Hoefer, by the way, went 293 for 293 on faceoffs.
Schram would be called on to make one more balls to the wall save, as a defensive breakdown allowed a breakaway with five seconds to go. The puck was fired towards the top corner of the net, above Schram's shoulder. The puck struck the shaft of his stick right on the knob, only this time we are talking about hockey equipment. The game went into overtime, where the Red Army had not won in 7 seasons. They wouldn't have to wait much longer. After a few early saves in the extra session, Hendricks and Funk took the puck on a 2 on 2 through center. Hendricks fired a shot that caromed off the back boards and back to the front of the goal. A Stranger defensman, doing his best Samurai impression, committed hockey sudden death suicide, and accidentally fired the puck into his own net. Pandemonium ensued.
The Red Army improved to 1-1 on the young season. Most of the players are about to and drink, including this reporter, so I'll wrap it up briefly with the three stars.
#3: Scott Hoefer
#2: Ryan Odell
#1: Andy Schram
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Shockers Beat Red Army In Douche Baggery
The Shockers, a team renown for swallowing miles of cock, defeated the Red Army 7-3 Tuesday night, in what can only be described as the biggest showing of assholes since the the last Kenny Chesney concert. The Shockers, lead by their Grand Wizards of all things scrotum, #20 and #21, scored 7 straight goals on a series of power plays and empty net opportunities. It was to no surprise then, that despite the large bulge in the scoreboard, they were relentless in pursuing anything resembling a boner. For it is a well known fact, far and wide, that when the Shockers have a chance to sucker punch, they will. And if that sucker punch can come in the form of a spear to the opposing players gonads, then by all means, it will come. After all, these are the guys that wear backwards baseball hats when take advantage of younger girls that have passed out in the back seat of their 1983 Corollas. Adolf Hitler, history's leading asshole, would be so proud of his followers for assembling a hockey team. A more apt name for the Shockers would be the Fourth Reich, but that name is already taken by #21's band.
If any of the players on the Shockers happen to be reading this blog, which after tonight seems quite likely, then let me clear the air with a few simple things:
1: #20 is dirty. He hits from behind, then gets hit clean and then complains of sand in his vagina.
2: #21 slashes the center's nuts on every faceoff. Maybe your boyfriend is in to that sort of foreplay buddy, but some of us still need our cocks, especially if your mother ever wants to achieve another orgasm.
3: Most of the guys on that team are cool, and in reality, a fairly close game would be played if both teams could control their tempers. But the truth is, we hate each other. Maybe you don't hate us, but we hate you. Your dickish comments and dirty plays, your inability to turn down a good old fashioned sodomy session on a lonely orphan, and just overall asshole appeal. Game 1, you won, sure. But we still have one more game. And maybe another.
And Loges, I'm glad you didn't have to make a trip to the emergency room this time, pussy.
Fuck you guys,
Barry Fucking Melrose
If any of the players on the Shockers happen to be reading this blog, which after tonight seems quite likely, then let me clear the air with a few simple things:
1: #20 is dirty. He hits from behind, then gets hit clean and then complains of sand in his vagina.
2: #21 slashes the center's nuts on every faceoff. Maybe your boyfriend is in to that sort of foreplay buddy, but some of us still need our cocks, especially if your mother ever wants to achieve another orgasm.
3: Most of the guys on that team are cool, and in reality, a fairly close game would be played if both teams could control their tempers. But the truth is, we hate each other. Maybe you don't hate us, but we hate you. Your dickish comments and dirty plays, your inability to turn down a good old fashioned sodomy session on a lonely orphan, and just overall asshole appeal. Game 1, you won, sure. But we still have one more game. And maybe another.
And Loges, I'm glad you didn't have to make a trip to the emergency room this time, pussy.
Fuck you guys,
Barry Fucking Melrose
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