It wasn't the prettiest of games tonight, but Mother Russia earned another two points and improved her record to 4-2-1 before heading into the All Star Weekend. At times, those two points were in jeopardy, as many of the Soviets appeared to emulate the style of play an All Star game entails: all offense, no defense. Thanks too timely blocked shots and 180 foot goals however, the Red Army skated off to a thrilling 13-9 victory in front of a packed house at Dulles.
"It was key for us." Captain Steve Hand said, who injured his shoulder in the third period and did not return for action afterward. "Many of us were already in the mindset of a week long break, so we definitely were guilty of taking some shifts off. But, the bottom line is that we came out on top. Much like my love life, I enjoy the top."
The week long break should help Hand recover from his bruised shoulder, and if the Red Army wants to continue climbing in the standings they better hope their captain can continue finding the back of the net like he did tonight.
Linemate of the Captain, Tony Horton, showed why he was drafted 11th overall two years ago when he scored a goal late in the first to give the Comrades a 3-2 edge. The power forward picked up the puck near center and burned the defense on the outside before firing one past the goalie.
"I just took the puck and new I had a lane." Horton told reporters. "When I see something that I want, I get it. I... get... it. It's in my blood. If you try to get in my way I'll either get through you or put you in a camp."
Still, despite the highlight reel goal of Tony "The Aryan Racer" Horton, the trio of Pat King, Mark Hendricks, and Ben Breiterman, or as the fans affectionately call them, the "Labia Line", stole the show for the second straight game. The three of them combined for nine goals and most likely 18 assists (though Scott Hoefer chipped in with a few helpers as well).
"We were feeling it tonight." King said. "It took a while for us to get going. Ben got a few early and then cooled down, but Mark and I were not producing in the first. If I know one thing about the Labia Line though, is that if we keep working and working and make sure that we slow it down a bit, then speed it up, then slow it down again... we'll get the results we want. We have to make sure we don't shoot to early though. Sometimes things take a little time to develop and you don't want to blow your shot prematurely. Trust me, I'm a doctor."
Both of King's goals, as they tend to be, were top shelfers. One right where Uncle Gerald stores the baby Tylenol, and one right where Aunt Maggie hides her vibrator. The Labia Line has a knack for scoring pretty goals, and tonight King wasn't the only one providing the highlights. Mark Hendricks scored his first goal on a pretty give and go with Breiterman, his second on a gorgeous tip on a shot from Breiterman, his third on a wicked wrist shot in the slot, and his fourth on an orgasmic backhand to the roof.
"I won't lie, I had some highlight reel fucking goals tonight." A more smug than usual Hendricks told reporters. "I mean, I won't go and say that I'm just showing the fans what they are missing by not voting me into the All Star Festivities, but I will say I'm definitely saying a "fuck you" to all the people that didn't vote for me. Fucking democracy."
"Yeah, fuck democracy." Horton added.
Even with the goals of King and Hendricks though, tonight was the coming out party for Breiterman. After two nice early goals, he one upped himself with a 180 foot buzz bomb that rang the iron before finding the back of the net. The goal, which sent countless hats raining down onto the blue surface, will live in Red Army lore for many years.
"Yeah you know, football teams have hail mary plays, I have that play. The old 180 foot buzz bomb. Though, I think a more apt name would be the torpedo, with the blue surface and all and just ridiculous amount of time it takes to get to the goal. Whatever, I'm back baby! Laaaaaaaabia!"
The back and forth action allowed the offense to have a bit of fun tonight, though I wouldn't expect to see that same type of nonchalant effort put forth against a better opponent. For now, the team rests up until Tuesday's tilt against Arrrr.
Enjoy those two points, Comrades.
OTHER NOTES
-Scott Hoefer made a great shot block late in the second when he took one in the ass to make the play. It is uncertain if his grundle will ever forgive him.
-Ryan Odell had a beautiful backhand goal in the second period. If I didn't have class early in the morning I would explain it in full detail. Still though, adjectives would not do it justice, so I'll just say that it was 'bonerfying'.
-Andy Schram didn't have his best night in goal, but he made the saves when he had to and improved his record to 3-0. It doesn't matter what you say, if you're 3-0 you're doing something right.
-The fans voted and are sending four Red Army players to Anchorage for this years All Star Weekend. Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, Scott Hoefer, and Pat King are all partaking in the festivities. In the skills challenge, Horton is doing the speed event, Odell the fastest shot and shot blocking events, Hoefer is doing the new skate race event, and King is only there to impregnate the state of Alaska and make sure people have a good time. There will be an update about the red carpet ceremonies and such later in the week.
THREE STARS
3- Ryan Odell
2- Tony Horton
1- LAAAAAAABIA (+ Hoefer on most of them)
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