In the grueling 14 game season that is Dulles Sportsplex Adult Inline Hockey, there are games that can make statements. Tonight's game was a statement. The Red Army, outmatched in skill, speed, and nearly every other category that EA Sports uses to rate players, did not back down. Instead, in a truly communist manner, they showed that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and played their system to a "T", vaulting them to a thrilling 5-4 victory in front of a raucous crowd.
The scoring started in the first when Mark Hendricks took a rink wide feed from Ben Breiterman and fired a one timer that ricocheted off the goaltender and in. For the entire shift, Mother Russia had established a good forecheck and cut off the Puck Ewes' passes. The hard work paid off.
"I saw him floating around in the slot, so once I threw it over to him I knew it was going in." Breiterman said after the game. "Yeah, that Mark guy can finish. I tell you something man, he is also a great set up guy. Now I'm not just talking about hockey here, I'm talking about women. That guy, #18 yeah you know him, he is a great wing man. In hockey, with women, in life... just in general. He is a good guy. Yeah that's what I said. Quote me."
Hendricks would tack on one more a few moments later as time was winding down in the period. Again, Breiterman found him in the slot and Hendricks unleashed a wicket slap shot that found its way to the back of the net.
"I just can't say enough about how awesome Mark is." Breiterman continued. "I mean, normally he is setting me up but I guess I owe him a few passes for all of the passes he didn't take on the girls that I like. Catch my drift. Solid gentleman that guy is. First class, really."
The man love rubbed off on the other team mates. Yes, I'm "sticking" with that sentence. Pat King, playing on the first line this evening, proved to be the peanut butter to the jam that is Hendricks. They combined for four goals and many sandwiches. King's first tally increased the bulge to three early in the second. After retrieving the puck in the corner, Hendricks threw a pass to King who was streaking down the middle untouched. King corralled the puck and flipped a shot top shelf where Mommy keeps the Nicorette.
"Smooth as dick butter." King told reporters after wards, sporting a "Dick Butter" t shirt that teammate Ryan Odell had handed out players before the game. "Yeah, it's become our slogan. See, what do superhero's use as lubrication? Butter. Exactly. So it makes sense that we should only embrace some sort of superhero themed slogan. We're still weighing the slogans though. I think, "I can't believe that's on my Penis" is the front runner. Time will tell, time will tell."
And about the goal?
"Oh, fucking butter." King said.
King too, would make it a two goal night as he stuffed one past the goalie later in the period to make it a 4-0 game. The goal came after a long Soviet power play that saw many shots and chances in close. Once the teams got back to even strength, King found the five hole and provided what then seemed like the back breaker.
But it was not.
Puck Ewes stormed back and finally pierced Sean Goalie Man to make it 4-1 after two.
"We were calm on the bench." Captain Hand told reporters on a phone conference after the game. "I think we knew that we had to- hold on- yeah hi can I get a number three please? Large. Yeah. Oh... hmm Sprite please. Okay, thank you. Yeah so we knew we had to keep playing our style. Wait, you're on speaker phone. Can you hear me? Good, so yeah we didn't want to fold like we have the tendency to do. Hold on... There you go. I think i have nine cents... (rustling around) there you are. Oh and can I have sweet and sour sauce? Thanks. Yeah, you guys still there? Okay, yeah I think we needed to play our style. Wait a second, thanks. Alright sorry about that, I'm... wait, oh still in park, there we go, yeah but that was what we talked about on the bench."
And where was the captain during this phone conference?
"Doctor's office. Yeah, I got banged up a bit so I just had to run to the doctor's to get some tests done make sure I can play on Tuesday. This might sound confusing, like a drive thru window or something, and it might make sense to you because I might have the drunk munchies from a day of drinking, but I don't. My doctor is very technological. You order procedures on a number scale. Yeah, like I got the number three, so x-rays on my wrists. He's so innovative."
Wendy's runs aside, the Captain and company did suffer a bit of a set back in the third. Two early goals against had Mother Russia back on her heels, heels that she had just bought for the ball, too. But, thanks to keeping up their aggressive play, the Soviets drew a string of penalties and eventually capitalized. Odell took a feed from Hendricks and whipped a shot past the goalie, who was being screened by Hand.
"I had been firing all day." Odell said, who had a team high 39 blocked shots (narrowly eking out Sean Goalie Man). "When that one went in it was huge. Especially after the disallowed goal we just had, we needed it. It's just what the doctor ordered. And, I'm sure you guys know this, but my goal streak is now at three games. Yeah, Mike Green better start worrying."
The Puck Ewes would throw an slew of pucks on goal the remaining eight minutes and even get to within one, but after that the defense cracked down and shut the door. Scott Hoefer proved why he was moved back to defense and he too blocked shots and helped clear the zone.
"Just doing my job." A humble Hoefer told reporters after the game. "I don't like getting scored on. I hate it. I take it personal. If someone scores on me when I'm out there, I find them, and I make sure they never do it again. You understand." Hoefer's humbleness and now turned to rage. "No buddy fucking scores you hear me?!?"
It's unclear whether or not a new Powerade machine will be available for next game.
The Puck Ewes were unable to dent the twine the remaining few minutes, and everyone's favorite Comrades skated away with two points. Now at 3-2-1, a fun record to say in general, the Red Army has started to assert herself as a force to be reckoned with. With back to back wins over good teams, can the Red Army be considered one of the "good" teams as well? I'll hold my opinion until the midway point of the season (this Tuesday at 10 versus the Well Mannered Sea Bass). Two more points there, and I'll hop on the bandwagon... if there's room.
Keep it fresh Stalin Lovers.
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES
-Andrew Schram provided the in game entertainment tonight.
-The line of Tony Horton and Steve Hand proved to be a good pairing. If those two can supplement there defense with a goal here or there, they might have a stew going.
-Ben Breiterman remains goalless on the year. It is unclear whether or not the Red Army Brass is going to search for a newer guy Ben.
THREE STARS
3- Mark Hendricks
2- Ryan Odell
1- Pat King
HONORABLE MENTIONS
The rest of the roster... just an awesome game.
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