In what is becoming a growing trend this season, the Red Army relied on their recently potent offense to win another game. With a seven goal third period, Mother Russia put enough distance between herself and Arrrr to escape with a 12-9 victory.
"It's the type of game you're happy to get two points out of, but we all knew we could have played better," Ryan Odell said. Odell opened the scoring in the first with a slap shot from the point. Still, despite the goal Odell wasn't pleased with the defensive effort. "I think we got a little too excited on offense and hung Tony out to dry to much."
Tony Horton, the Red Army's third string goalie, earned a rare start last night when Matt Kraus and Andy Schram were both unavailable. Though he doesn't have the prettiest of forms, Horton's big frame makes it difficult for opposing teams to find holes.
"I just try to make myself big and hope it hits me," Horton said, while still donning the goalie gear, which, while on him looked like equipment made for second trimester fetuses. "I had a few saves here and there, but all in all they scored when they got rushes. We had to limit the rushes, and we didn't. Lucky for us the offense bailed us out."
The offense did indeed supply the bail out. The "Labia Line" and sometimes Hoefer, combined for eleven goals. Pat King recorded his first hat trick of the season, Ben Breiterman notched a hat trick himself, Mark Hendricks had an explosive third period and finished with four tallies, and Scott Hoefer salted the game away with a score in the waning moments of the game. The hat tricks of hat tricks and Hoefer goal proved to be too much for Arrrr.
"We kind of entered a run and gun game with them," Breiterman told reporters after the game. "When you get into that situation you have to make sure you are finishing your chances. We definitely have guys that can finish and tonight we did what we do best, put the puck in that net. Throw up your "L"s!" Breiterman then gave the international "Labia" sign and proceeded to be fellated by an elder woman in her mid sixties.
Pat King continued his recent success by scoring three goals. His first came on the powerplay when he had a mini breakaway. He skated in tight and deked back and forth, getting the proverbial garage door to open, before depositing a nifty backhand five hole. "Hoefer talked about his five hole so we knew to shoot there," King said. "Hoefer has an eye for five holes, trust me."
King's second goal came on a two on one where he took a cross crease pass from Jerrod Funk and one timed it home. The third and elusive goal came late in the game when him, Hendricks, and Breiterman connected on a three way passing play that ended with King tucking one past the sprawling goaltender. "I'm Hat Trick Mother Fucking Patrick baby!" King yelled as he shotgunned moonshine.
Hendricks, who finished with a season high seven points, played great at times and terrible at others. He still has the tendency to hold on to the puck for too long, and it directly led to at least two goals against tonight. But he also has the tendency to dance through players like a gay on Broadway... and tonight was the opening night of Cats. After netting one in the second, Hendricks scored three in the third on fantastic individual efforts that left Arrrr questioning their religion.
"I had to make up for my atrocious defensive play tonight," Hendricks said. "I'm obviously not going to have the puck on a string every night, but when it was going tonight I had to milk it and see if I could keep this winning streak going. We did a good job of distributing the puck as the game went on, and I think that's when things really opened up for me. Opened up like a labia."
Still though, despite Hendricks' electrifying moves, the story of the night belonged to Hoefer, who scored his first goal of the season. He struck two posts earlier in the game but hit paydirt late in the third when he fired one past the beaten goalie.
"It was glorious," Hoefer said while being mobbed by rushing fans. "I'm glad I got one. As anyone can tell you when I score, I score in bunches. I'll probably have nine next game. I may have to break my ankle first though."
That's it for now. The Red Army is 5-2-1 and is riding a season best four game winning streak. The offense is clicking, but the once immovable defense is yielding goals. If the Soviets can find a goalie, get back to playing their stingy defense, and continue to score at the rate they are now... there may be a parade to plan. Keep it real, Comrades.
THREE STARS
3- Labia Line
2- Ryan, Tony, Jerrod
1- Scott Hoefer
(Everyone gets props for this one)
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