The Red Army looks to take one step closer to the Championship tomorrow night when they reacquaint with their rival Prestige Worldwide. Just as the case was with the Shockers, Mother Russia split her season series with PW 1-1 (though the loss they suffered was in overtime... a point that proved to be quite valuable at season's end). So what do Mother Russia's Boys have to do to make sure they win game 3? Well, let's look at the things that got them here, the things that almost stopped them from getting here, and the things that make you go "mmmm sweet sausages!" (I'm afraid I may be the only insider on this joke... anyone else get the reference?)
First, what's going right. Put simply: a lot. Winning 10 games in a row to end the season and clinch a first round bye and then advance into the third round is pretty impressive. But let there be no mistake about it, while Mother Russia has been good, she has also had lady luck on her side. The two might be sisters, or even twins Basil, twins (how about that one?). The truth is, there haven't been many convincing victories for the Red Army this season (save for the 14-0 white wash of the Hurricanes and the game against Mozambweak). Even the season finale, which saw the Soviets skate away with a 7-1 win over PW, was far closer than the score indicated. Matt Kraus had to stand on his head in the opening period just to keep the score 0-0 before the Comrades were able to score five quick goals in under five minutes to start the second period. That is not something I would bank on happening again. Even against the Shockers, Mother Russia had far too many chances to put the game away but couldn't, and continued to let Loges and company come back.
But enough doubting, what has to happen? Here are some things, in easy-to-read hyphenated style:
-Quick start. After surrendering two early goals against the Shockers, the Soviets had to play from behind for all of the first period. Don't think the same mistake can be made against PW, they might not wait around for the score to be tied.
-Secondary scoring. I wouldn't expect another game like that from Mark Hendricks, especially since he'll most likely be shadowed, but if other players can score, things may open up a bit more for #18.
-Kraus in the house. Forget the performance against the Shockers. Let's see the Kraus that's been a brick wall.
-Special teams. Score on the powerplay this game, don't give up goals when you have the extra man.
That's it for now, for those of you wondering, the four remaining teams are seeds 1-4.
1) Cryptic Stench vs 4) Strangers
2) Red Army vs 3) Prestige Worldwide
The Red Army's cumulative record against these three foes? 4-0-1. Means nothing if you lay an egg in the playoffs. One win down, three to go. Number two is on the table tomorrow, get it Comrades, and take Mother Russia one step further from the Shire than she's ever been... (I know you got that reference). Here's hoping for hat tricks and treats.
PROJECTED LINES:
Mark/Pat/Ben/Andy
Steve/Tony/Ryan/Hoefer
Kraus
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
And Then There Were Four....
It didn't happen easily and it certainly wasn't pretty, but after 45 minutes of hockey on Thursday night, the Red Army found themselves someplace they had never been before: the third round. Yes folks, after five years of bowing out early in the playoffs, Mother Russia finds herself standing with only three other teams. How did she get there? Well, she scored like a mofo.
Thursday's marquee matchup began worse than expected for the Comrades. They were unable to establish much offense and allowed the Shockers too much time with the puck. The Shockers opened the scoring midway through the first period, and added a second goal minutes later on the power play. With five minutes to play in the opening frame, there was a two goal deficit to overcome.
"We were pretty calm on the bench," Captain Steve Hand said, playing his first game since September. "I think we knew we weren't playing as well as we should have been, but there was still plenty of time left. We had to chip away."
Chip away they did. Mark Hendricks, who played the role of Jesus tonight, brought the Soviets to within one when he dangled the pants off of the Shockers before potting one fivehole. In the waning moments of the first, as time expired, he knotted the score with a power play blast from the point as Ben Breiterman set the screen.
"That was huge," Ryan Odell said. "With the score tied going into the second, we were able to start anew and not play from behind. Not that there's anything wrong with playing from behind, if you know what I mean."
Hendricks completed the hat trick on the first shift of the second period, taking a pass from Pat King and wristing one off the post and in. It was the first Russian lead of the night, though it would be short lived. The Shockers, while shorthanded, fluttered a shot from almost zero angle that eluded the Socialist goalie Matt Kraus.
"It wasn't my best effort tonight," Kraus said. "Come on boys."
After relinquishing the lead, the Red Army stormed back. Hendricks rang a shot off of the post and the rebound found King. King settled the puck and fired it past the sprawled Shocker goaltender.
"Laaaaaaabia!" King yelled as he celebrated with his comrades. "It was huge, our line was clicking tonight. We needed to capitalize on situations like that. If you know it throw it up!" He added, as he made the international sign for the labia.
Still, the lead would not last. The Shockers tallied late in the period to tie the game at 4, again on a goal that Kraus would like to have back. Then, in the dying moments of the second period, as time expired again, Hendricks netted his fourth on a mini breakaway. The tally put the Comrades ahead 5-4 with 15 minutes to play.
"Our gameplan in the second intermission was play smart, don't take penalties, and get the puck to Mark," Breiterman said. "Seriously, that kid was money in the bank. He was awesome, just like his wingmanning skills. Patrick on the other hand, well he is as feminine as they come. I'm pretty sure Richard Simmons would in arm wrestling match against him. Where's Karen? I want to remind her of the feminine qualities of her son."
Despite a good pep talk, the Soviets were unable to put the game away in the third, and instead let the Shockers back into it. They yielded a quick goal against, and again the score was tied, this time at five.
"I'm not sure what the (heck) was going on with us tonight," Tony Horton said. "We were playing like the third Reich on Demorgeunshmorgeunfreiztichnacht (the German equivalent to Groundhog's Day), all lackadaisical and lacking in dasicals. Zis sort ov behaviors vould not heff been tolerated zin my natif country of Deutchland. Ven ve have a chance to vipe our our enemies, ve do! I von't reference history on dis one."
Nazi jokes aside, Breiterman gave the Red Scare the lead again on a snipe that he placed five hole. The goal made the score 6-5. On the ensuing faceoff and defensive breakdown, King and Hendricks hooked up on a pretty 2 on 1 and Hendricks scored his fifth of the night to give the Comrades their first two goal lead.
"Things were looking good," Andy Schram said, who was playing defense tonight. "Still, the way this game was going we couldn't be too lazy. Wait, am I getting interviewed right now or are you (messing) with me? I can't tell if you are serious? Are you really going to print what I say? No (way)!"
The Shockers refused to go easily though, as they quickly made the 7-5 game 7-6 and 7-7... in that order. It was a tie game with five minutes to play. The Red Army couldn't put the nails in the coffin. So Hendricks continued to hammer away.
His sixth of the game was the softest, though the effort may have been his best. After skating through defensemen and getting hooked, Hendricks muffed a soft backhander that somehow managed to squeak by fivehole. The celebration was pure elation, as surely this time the Soviets thought the game was in their control. Breiterman's tally moments later seemed to solidify this, as the Soviets led 9-7 with two minutes to play.
Wrong.
The Shockers scored mere seconds after Breiterman's second goal, and again brought the game to within one. That Shocker's goal, would be their last of the season. Hendricks kicked the extra point to his night by tacking on his seventh, empty net style, and let the Red Army slide by the Shockers at a final score of 10-8.
"It was definitely the most goals I've ever scored in a game," Hendricks said. "And while I'd like to sound cocky and say that's the reason we won, because I scored all those goals, I will say that, because that's what I'd like to do. I'm the Russian Jesus baby, I'll walk on vodka."
So now, the Red Army awaits the results of the other games to see who they play next Sunday at 8:00pm.
"I'm excited, I just like winning," Scott Hoefer said.
THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Ben Breiterman
1: Mark Hendricks
Rock on Comrades, I'll check back with you later.
Thursday's marquee matchup began worse than expected for the Comrades. They were unable to establish much offense and allowed the Shockers too much time with the puck. The Shockers opened the scoring midway through the first period, and added a second goal minutes later on the power play. With five minutes to play in the opening frame, there was a two goal deficit to overcome.
"We were pretty calm on the bench," Captain Steve Hand said, playing his first game since September. "I think we knew we weren't playing as well as we should have been, but there was still plenty of time left. We had to chip away."
Chip away they did. Mark Hendricks, who played the role of Jesus tonight, brought the Soviets to within one when he dangled the pants off of the Shockers before potting one fivehole. In the waning moments of the first, as time expired, he knotted the score with a power play blast from the point as Ben Breiterman set the screen.
"That was huge," Ryan Odell said. "With the score tied going into the second, we were able to start anew and not play from behind. Not that there's anything wrong with playing from behind, if you know what I mean."
Hendricks completed the hat trick on the first shift of the second period, taking a pass from Pat King and wristing one off the post and in. It was the first Russian lead of the night, though it would be short lived. The Shockers, while shorthanded, fluttered a shot from almost zero angle that eluded the Socialist goalie Matt Kraus.
"It wasn't my best effort tonight," Kraus said. "Come on boys."
After relinquishing the lead, the Red Army stormed back. Hendricks rang a shot off of the post and the rebound found King. King settled the puck and fired it past the sprawled Shocker goaltender.
"Laaaaaaabia!" King yelled as he celebrated with his comrades. "It was huge, our line was clicking tonight. We needed to capitalize on situations like that. If you know it throw it up!" He added, as he made the international sign for the labia.
Still, the lead would not last. The Shockers tallied late in the period to tie the game at 4, again on a goal that Kraus would like to have back. Then, in the dying moments of the second period, as time expired again, Hendricks netted his fourth on a mini breakaway. The tally put the Comrades ahead 5-4 with 15 minutes to play.
"Our gameplan in the second intermission was play smart, don't take penalties, and get the puck to Mark," Breiterman said. "Seriously, that kid was money in the bank. He was awesome, just like his wingmanning skills. Patrick on the other hand, well he is as feminine as they come. I'm pretty sure Richard Simmons would in arm wrestling match against him. Where's Karen? I want to remind her of the feminine qualities of her son."
Despite a good pep talk, the Soviets were unable to put the game away in the third, and instead let the Shockers back into it. They yielded a quick goal against, and again the score was tied, this time at five.
"I'm not sure what the (heck) was going on with us tonight," Tony Horton said. "We were playing like the third Reich on Demorgeunshmorgeunfreiztichnacht (the German equivalent to Groundhog's Day), all lackadaisical and lacking in dasicals. Zis sort ov behaviors vould not heff been tolerated zin my natif country of Deutchland. Ven ve have a chance to vipe our our enemies, ve do! I von't reference history on dis one."
Nazi jokes aside, Breiterman gave the Red Scare the lead again on a snipe that he placed five hole. The goal made the score 6-5. On the ensuing faceoff and defensive breakdown, King and Hendricks hooked up on a pretty 2 on 1 and Hendricks scored his fifth of the night to give the Comrades their first two goal lead.
"Things were looking good," Andy Schram said, who was playing defense tonight. "Still, the way this game was going we couldn't be too lazy. Wait, am I getting interviewed right now or are you (messing) with me? I can't tell if you are serious? Are you really going to print what I say? No (way)!"
The Shockers refused to go easily though, as they quickly made the 7-5 game 7-6 and 7-7... in that order. It was a tie game with five minutes to play. The Red Army couldn't put the nails in the coffin. So Hendricks continued to hammer away.
His sixth of the game was the softest, though the effort may have been his best. After skating through defensemen and getting hooked, Hendricks muffed a soft backhander that somehow managed to squeak by fivehole. The celebration was pure elation, as surely this time the Soviets thought the game was in their control. Breiterman's tally moments later seemed to solidify this, as the Soviets led 9-7 with two minutes to play.
Wrong.
The Shockers scored mere seconds after Breiterman's second goal, and again brought the game to within one. That Shocker's goal, would be their last of the season. Hendricks kicked the extra point to his night by tacking on his seventh, empty net style, and let the Red Army slide by the Shockers at a final score of 10-8.
"It was definitely the most goals I've ever scored in a game," Hendricks said. "And while I'd like to sound cocky and say that's the reason we won, because I scored all those goals, I will say that, because that's what I'd like to do. I'm the Russian Jesus baby, I'll walk on vodka."
So now, the Red Army awaits the results of the other games to see who they play next Sunday at 8:00pm.
"I'm excited, I just like winning," Scott Hoefer said.
THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Ben Breiterman
1: Mark Hendricks
Rock on Comrades, I'll check back with you later.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Red Army 10, Shockers 8
I have to be brief for now, I'm about to go drink and celebrate the franchise's first ever third round appearance. I'll try and update later while intoxicated. Party on, Comrades, party on... we're still dancing.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
ROUND TWO: Red Army vs Shockers
These two teams have a history of playing entertaining games. They can play the run and gun game, they can play a smart defensive game, or they can play a downright rugged physical game. They've done it all over the years, done it all but play each other in the playoffs. That last sentence won't hold true tomorrow night though, as these two rivals face-off in the second round.
The regular season saw these two teams split their series 1-1. The Shockers won the first battle, the first game of the season, 7-3. The Shockers exploited the Red Army's lack of discipline and capitalized on the Soviets' endless march to the penalty box. In the forty something days between games against the Shockers, Mother Russia had a complete makeover done. She wasn't the scrappy bitch that looked to start fights and throw your laundry on the front lawn when you came home too late. No, she is hot now. She looks good, damn good... and she is out of your league. Game 2 resulted in the Soviets exorcising some demons and disposing of the Shockers 6-3, in a game that featured discipline, solid goaltending, opportunistic offense, and two points.
Game 3 will settle the score for good on this season.
But what are the keys for Mother Russia's Boys? What do they have to do to finally make it to that elusive third round? A few things have transpired in the past 24 hours that might make the game a bit harder than some fans of the Comrades may have thought. For one, late season acquisition Brad Lotocki will not be in the lineup. He is in New York City until Monday, and won't be able to help the Red Army defense. Jerrod Funk, who is also a prominent defender for the Lenin-Lovers, is questionable after his skates were totaled. The rivets in his CCM 2.0s came undone and he is without an extra pair. If him and Brad are unable to play, Kraus may have to play just as well or better than he did in the season finale.
It isn't all bad news though. Captain Steve Hand, whose drunken antics caused him to injure his ankle three days before finding out if his shoulder had healed, is in fact, healed in all places. The captain's net presence should be a sight for sore eyes tomorrow night. Also, with Lotocki and Funk possibly out, and Kraus promising to make the game, Andy Schram will get to skate back on defense. His ability to keep the opposing forwards from establishing a net presence (assuming he can do so cleanly) should be a sight for sore eyes as well. All in all, no more sore eyes.
Even with the three or four guys rotating in and out of the lineup, the core remains the same. The core that has been, well.. at the core, for every Red Army victory will remain in tact. Ryan Odell, Ben Breiterman, and Scott Hoefer guard the blue line while Pat King, Mark Hendricks, and Tony Horton lead an all out assault on the Shocker goal line.
Here are the projected lines:
OFFENSE:
HENDRICKS/KING
HAND/HORTON
DEFENSE:
BREITERMAN/SCHRAM
ODELL/HOEFER
GOALIE:
KRAUS
QUESTIONABLE:
FUNK
Now, the keys to the game. Here are five things I've outlined as things that Mother Russia needs to do if she wants to keep dancing.
1: Discipline. Can't stress this one enough. Whether it is 3-3 or 6-0, don't do anything stupid. The game is never over until the final horn sounds. If the Soviets can stay out of the box, I like their chances.
2: Score early, often. Lately, the Red Army has made it a point to wait until late in games to unleash hell. Why wait? Get an early lead and build on it.
3: Breakouts. Avoid the long shifts where the puck is pinned down by Kraus the whole time. Forwards should help out on defense and help get the puck out as well.
4: Backchecking/forechecking. This comes down to skating. Skate hard for the whole shift. King and Hendricks have one of the best forechecks in the league and have scored many goals off of creating turnovers, but their backcheck has been lacking (namely due to one forward who shall remain nameless but promises to skate hard tomorrow).
5: Short shifts. You can't skate hard if your shift is four minutes long. Get on, skate hard, get off. Two minutes should be the maximum.
A week ago there were 12 teams vying for the championship, tonight, on the eve of the Red Army's first playoff game, only 7 remain. When the clock strikes midnight tomorrow only 4 will be left. Winning ten in a row in the regular season is special, but winning four in a row in the playoffs would be spectacular. Number one is tomorrow night. Get your mother fucking towels ready.
The regular season saw these two teams split their series 1-1. The Shockers won the first battle, the first game of the season, 7-3. The Shockers exploited the Red Army's lack of discipline and capitalized on the Soviets' endless march to the penalty box. In the forty something days between games against the Shockers, Mother Russia had a complete makeover done. She wasn't the scrappy bitch that looked to start fights and throw your laundry on the front lawn when you came home too late. No, she is hot now. She looks good, damn good... and she is out of your league. Game 2 resulted in the Soviets exorcising some demons and disposing of the Shockers 6-3, in a game that featured discipline, solid goaltending, opportunistic offense, and two points.
Game 3 will settle the score for good on this season.
But what are the keys for Mother Russia's Boys? What do they have to do to finally make it to that elusive third round? A few things have transpired in the past 24 hours that might make the game a bit harder than some fans of the Comrades may have thought. For one, late season acquisition Brad Lotocki will not be in the lineup. He is in New York City until Monday, and won't be able to help the Red Army defense. Jerrod Funk, who is also a prominent defender for the Lenin-Lovers, is questionable after his skates were totaled. The rivets in his CCM 2.0s came undone and he is without an extra pair. If him and Brad are unable to play, Kraus may have to play just as well or better than he did in the season finale.
It isn't all bad news though. Captain Steve Hand, whose drunken antics caused him to injure his ankle three days before finding out if his shoulder had healed, is in fact, healed in all places. The captain's net presence should be a sight for sore eyes tomorrow night. Also, with Lotocki and Funk possibly out, and Kraus promising to make the game, Andy Schram will get to skate back on defense. His ability to keep the opposing forwards from establishing a net presence (assuming he can do so cleanly) should be a sight for sore eyes as well. All in all, no more sore eyes.
Even with the three or four guys rotating in and out of the lineup, the core remains the same. The core that has been, well.. at the core, for every Red Army victory will remain in tact. Ryan Odell, Ben Breiterman, and Scott Hoefer guard the blue line while Pat King, Mark Hendricks, and Tony Horton lead an all out assault on the Shocker goal line.
Here are the projected lines:
OFFENSE:
HENDRICKS/KING
HAND/HORTON
DEFENSE:
BREITERMAN/SCHRAM
ODELL/HOEFER
GOALIE:
KRAUS
QUESTIONABLE:
FUNK
Now, the keys to the game. Here are five things I've outlined as things that Mother Russia needs to do if she wants to keep dancing.
1: Discipline. Can't stress this one enough. Whether it is 3-3 or 6-0, don't do anything stupid. The game is never over until the final horn sounds. If the Soviets can stay out of the box, I like their chances.
2: Score early, often. Lately, the Red Army has made it a point to wait until late in games to unleash hell. Why wait? Get an early lead and build on it.
3: Breakouts. Avoid the long shifts where the puck is pinned down by Kraus the whole time. Forwards should help out on defense and help get the puck out as well.
4: Backchecking/forechecking. This comes down to skating. Skate hard for the whole shift. King and Hendricks have one of the best forechecks in the league and have scored many goals off of creating turnovers, but their backcheck has been lacking (namely due to one forward who shall remain nameless but promises to skate hard tomorrow).
5: Short shifts. You can't skate hard if your shift is four minutes long. Get on, skate hard, get off. Two minutes should be the maximum.
A week ago there were 12 teams vying for the championship, tonight, on the eve of the Red Army's first playoff game, only 7 remain. When the clock strikes midnight tomorrow only 4 will be left. Winning ten in a row in the regular season is special, but winning four in a row in the playoffs would be spectacular. Number one is tomorrow night. Get your mother fucking towels ready.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The Captain Speaks
I was able to sit down with the captain last week for a lunch in Old Town Alexandria. We discussed a lot, discussing topics ranging from off-season workout regimens to some of the pregame superstitions of teammates. Here is the transcript:
Red Army Digest: What was your goal as captain entering this season?
Steve Hand: My goal entering any season is always to win. Personal statistics are nice, but at the end of the day it's a team sport. If the team wins, then things are good.
RAD: Do you do anything before games that would be called superstitious? And do you continue to do them even while you watch from the pressbox?
SH: I'm not really superstitious, though there are a few guys on the team that are. Andy, he has 8 or 9 things he does before every game. First off he always take a pregame dump, quickly there followed by a pregame shower. But, when he showers before a game he refuses to use a towel so he air drys himself like a dog. Then after exiting the shower, which he takes in freezing cold water by the way, he puts on his lucky batman boxers which haven't been washed since the premier of the Dark Knight... which if you ask me totally nullifies the shower. Then he listens to the that song from the Sound of Music "I am 16 going on 17" four times in a row, which really pisses off Tony because he thinks the Von Trapps should rot in hell. Anyways, Andy starts preparing for games usually four hours before the game starts. We're lucky if he makes it by faceoff. Oh, and Pat is pretty crazy too. He tapes his stick a lot.
RAD: How frustrating is it to not be able to play as much this season?
SH: So frustrating. I had a pretty good start to the season too, six points in three games, before I hurt my shoulder. But I try to keep in good spirits and keep encouraging the guys.
RAD: Any chance that you could return for the playoffs?
SH: I'm seeing the doctor about my shoulder on Wednesday. If he clears me to play then I'll be out there. So as long as that goes well, and I don't get injured again before that, I'm in the clear. But me getting injured again? Ha, I don't think that will happen. I'm going to be careful.
RAD: Do you do anything special in the off-season to prepare for the rigors of a 14 game season? Anything to prevent injuries?
SH: I try to drink about three nights a week during the off-season... and regular season too. In the postseason that number might drop to two, or increase to five depending on what team we are playing. Other than that, I eat a lot of sandwiches and try to do ten or twenty push-ups a month, or at least in months that have 31 days.
RAD: When you signed your three year extension last season, you did so on the eve before entering free agency. Why have you remained so loyal to this squad? You weren't interested in receiving offer sheets from other teams?
SH: Last season we began winning. If we had suffered another 10 or 11 loss season, I might have held out a bit and seen what offers I received from other teams. But as the season progressed I saw the progress we were making. I decided to stick it out because I do think that this team could someday win a championship. Plus, management gave me the "C", I want to be the captain.
RAD: Since your big contract signing, some fans have been disappointed with you and your health. Does it ever get to you?
SH: I hear about it all the time. People will yell things at me in public like "Oh craptain, my craptain" or "get a flu shot you pansy" or "you're a douchebag", but I know that when I return to full health they'll come to love me again.
RAD: How exciting has it been to watch the team this year? Even if you aren't playing, you have to feel proud for the guys, right?
SH: Absolutely. We have a big game on Thursday. If we win we will have advanced further than any Red Army team in the franchise's history. Whether I'm skating or not, I'm going to be there and experience the magic.
RAD: Last question, what's your prediction for Thursday?
SH: Booze, bitches, and boners.
RAD: I don't understand....
SH: Victory, fool.
UPDATE
Captain Steve Hand injured his ankle this weekend when he drunkenly fell off of a curb, managing to lose all of his remaining street cred in the fall. He is out for the remainder of the season.
Red Army Digest: What was your goal as captain entering this season?
Steve Hand: My goal entering any season is always to win. Personal statistics are nice, but at the end of the day it's a team sport. If the team wins, then things are good.
RAD: Do you do anything before games that would be called superstitious? And do you continue to do them even while you watch from the pressbox?
SH: I'm not really superstitious, though there are a few guys on the team that are. Andy, he has 8 or 9 things he does before every game. First off he always take a pregame dump, quickly there followed by a pregame shower. But, when he showers before a game he refuses to use a towel so he air drys himself like a dog. Then after exiting the shower, which he takes in freezing cold water by the way, he puts on his lucky batman boxers which haven't been washed since the premier of the Dark Knight... which if you ask me totally nullifies the shower. Then he listens to the that song from the Sound of Music "I am 16 going on 17" four times in a row, which really pisses off Tony because he thinks the Von Trapps should rot in hell. Anyways, Andy starts preparing for games usually four hours before the game starts. We're lucky if he makes it by faceoff. Oh, and Pat is pretty crazy too. He tapes his stick a lot.
RAD: How frustrating is it to not be able to play as much this season?
SH: So frustrating. I had a pretty good start to the season too, six points in three games, before I hurt my shoulder. But I try to keep in good spirits and keep encouraging the guys.
RAD: Any chance that you could return for the playoffs?
SH: I'm seeing the doctor about my shoulder on Wednesday. If he clears me to play then I'll be out there. So as long as that goes well, and I don't get injured again before that, I'm in the clear. But me getting injured again? Ha, I don't think that will happen. I'm going to be careful.
RAD: Do you do anything special in the off-season to prepare for the rigors of a 14 game season? Anything to prevent injuries?
SH: I try to drink about three nights a week during the off-season... and regular season too. In the postseason that number might drop to two, or increase to five depending on what team we are playing. Other than that, I eat a lot of sandwiches and try to do ten or twenty push-ups a month, or at least in months that have 31 days.
RAD: When you signed your three year extension last season, you did so on the eve before entering free agency. Why have you remained so loyal to this squad? You weren't interested in receiving offer sheets from other teams?
SH: Last season we began winning. If we had suffered another 10 or 11 loss season, I might have held out a bit and seen what offers I received from other teams. But as the season progressed I saw the progress we were making. I decided to stick it out because I do think that this team could someday win a championship. Plus, management gave me the "C", I want to be the captain.
RAD: Since your big contract signing, some fans have been disappointed with you and your health. Does it ever get to you?
SH: I hear about it all the time. People will yell things at me in public like "Oh craptain, my craptain" or "get a flu shot you pansy" or "you're a douchebag", but I know that when I return to full health they'll come to love me again.
RAD: How exciting has it been to watch the team this year? Even if you aren't playing, you have to feel proud for the guys, right?
SH: Absolutely. We have a big game on Thursday. If we win we will have advanced further than any Red Army team in the franchise's history. Whether I'm skating or not, I'm going to be there and experience the magic.
RAD: Last question, what's your prediction for Thursday?
SH: Booze, bitches, and boners.
RAD: I don't understand....
SH: Victory, fool.
UPDATE
Captain Steve Hand injured his ankle this weekend when he drunkenly fell off of a curb, managing to lose all of his remaining street cred in the fall. He is out for the remainder of the season.
Friday, October 23, 2009
TV Ratings Up 89%
The Nielsen Media Company released their semi annual report of television ratings this past Thursday, showing a large spike in viewership for the Red Army. Beltway Sportsnet, the flagship station for the Red Army, earned on average a .12 rating with 2,301 viewers during the 12 games they broadcasted this season, up 89% from the 1,258 viewers they averaged last season. The largest rating was last Tuesday's tilt against Prestige Worldwide, which earned a .28 share, attracting a little over 5,000 viewers.
The two Red Army games (both matchups against the Shockers) that were shown on the the cable partner of Dulles Sportsplex Sports, Oxygen, earned the highest ratings of the season, amassing a combined 532,000 viewers for the two games.
Carol Hynes, the CEO of the Oxygen network, was very pleased the company's increase in numbers. "I think it's great for everyone, the fans, the networks, and the sport. Thanks to a lot of folks owning HD TV's now, the puck can be spotted a lot easier on the blue surface." When asked about the current feud between Oxygen and Direct TV, Hynes was quick to cite the numbers. "I think people will see that the O doesn't need Direct TV."
------------------------------------------
The Red Army has canceled practice this week to allow some players to rest up for the coming playoffs. I'll have a story later this weekend about some story lines for the postseason, as well as the full transcript of a sit down interview I had with the Captain about how it feels to be watching from the sidelines and whether a return is possible. Here is a brief taste of the interview:
Red Army Digest: What have you been doing to remain in shape so that if your shoulder does heal you can make it back into the lineup?
Captain Steve Hand: I've maintained a healthy diet by eating at Sub Connection on campus as much as I can. Normally I get the Turkey Club because that is ripe with protein.
RAD: What has been your favorite thing about this season?
CSH: Being able to drink Thursday nights instead of playing.
More to come later this week, stay tuned Comrades.
The two Red Army games (both matchups against the Shockers) that were shown on the the cable partner of Dulles Sportsplex Sports, Oxygen, earned the highest ratings of the season, amassing a combined 532,000 viewers for the two games.
Carol Hynes, the CEO of the Oxygen network, was very pleased the company's increase in numbers. "I think it's great for everyone, the fans, the networks, and the sport. Thanks to a lot of folks owning HD TV's now, the puck can be spotted a lot easier on the blue surface." When asked about the current feud between Oxygen and Direct TV, Hynes was quick to cite the numbers. "I think people will see that the O doesn't need Direct TV."
------------------------------------------
The Red Army has canceled practice this week to allow some players to rest up for the coming playoffs. I'll have a story later this weekend about some story lines for the postseason, as well as the full transcript of a sit down interview I had with the Captain about how it feels to be watching from the sidelines and whether a return is possible. Here is a brief taste of the interview:
Red Army Digest: What have you been doing to remain in shape so that if your shoulder does heal you can make it back into the lineup?
Captain Steve Hand: I've maintained a healthy diet by eating at Sub Connection on campus as much as I can. Normally I get the Turkey Club because that is ripe with protein.
RAD: What has been your favorite thing about this season?
CSH: Being able to drink Thursday nights instead of playing.
More to come later this week, stay tuned Comrades.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
10 in a Row, Mofos and Hos
They did it. The highly anticipated match up between the Bronze Division powerhouses, Prestige Worldwide and Red Army, ended with a win for the Soviets, giving them a ten game winning streak entering post season play. There were big saves, pretty goals, penalties, some well timed diving, and as the final horn sounded, there was also a swapping of seeds. Yes, not since Wilt Chamberlain's last All Star weekend has there been such an epic exchange of seed. Number 3 Red Army became number 2, as the dropped a deuce on the Prestigious.
The game's first period was exactly as many of the analysts expected it to be: fast, hard, and consensual. The teams raced back and forth over the blue surface in what proved to be a goaltender's dual of an opening frame. Both teams generated chances, but neither was able to dent the twine. Ryan Odell missed a backdoor one timer after a set up from Mark Hendricks, and moments later Hendricks was unable to convert a breakaway of his own.
"We couldn't find a way to get one past them," Odell said afterward. "I should have gotten that one in the first, but the angle was pretty extreme. Both teams were doing a good job backchecking, so the forwards didn't have as much time to create." Odell then popped a Vicodin and put his hockey gear into the trunk of his unicorn.
The first period ended scoreless, and both teams went back to their respective benches and caught their collective breaths.
"I was pretty dead after the first period," Hendricks said. "I mean, I think I was trying to run and gun a bit too much. We knew we were getting chances, but we had to be smarter. We had to stop forcing things and let it come naturally, wait, that came out wrong. What I'm trying to say is that I think we were squeezing our sticks a bit too tight. When we are going down on their goalie, we want to make sure we don't rush it. If we push it too hard, it will all be over too quick. We have to take our time down there and really work it. There, I think that came out much better."
Hendricks and company displayed more patience in the second, and they reaped the benefits early; often. On the very first shift of the second period, Ben Breiterman found an open Hendricks, who had slipped behind the defense, with a pass right up the middle. Hendricks lost the puck for a moment, causing the Prestige netminder to leave his crease for a diving poke check. Hendricks was able to regain control, elude the poke check, and fire the puck into the empty net from a difficult angle.
"I saw him up the middle," Breiterman said after the game. "I knew he normally hangs out back on the other side of the rink, but he is normally guarded. This time it was like the parting of the Red Sea. Since I'm Jewish and all, and Moses is my homeboy, I had to hit him with that pass. L'chaim! Yahtzee!"
On the ensuing faceoff, the Red Army went to work again. Odell pulled the draw back to Brad Lotocki, who was playing his second consecutive game since his journey out west. Lotocki drew two defensemen and fed a pass to Hendricks, who found himself sprung again, this time on a two on one rush with Odell. Hendricks, showing pass the whole time, caught the goalie off guard and shot a wrister that found the short side. After a scoreless fifteen minutes, the Red Army had struck twice in less than a minute. Floodgates: open.
Pat King joined the action and ended his three game goalless drought with a dandy on a delayed penalty. After Lotocki had drawn a penalty in the defensive zone, he fired a long outlet pass that King was able to corral. The goaltender again went for the poke check, and again, he missed. King backhanded the biscuit into the gaping twine, and the score was now 3-0.
They were not done. Moments later, the Labia Line made it 4-0. Breiterman gave Hendricks an indirect pass off of the boards, and Hendricks, with a full head of steam, took it hard into the zone. After skating by one defender, Hendricks threw a backhand pass across the crease where the King tucked it home. It was goal #100 on the season for the Comrades.
"It feels special to score the 100th," King said. "After not scoring in the first, some of us were worried it might not happen. But then the way we started the second period, hot damn. Throw your mother fucking "L"s up!"
Prestige Worldwide tried to stop the bleeding by calling their timeout after the fourth goal, but the dying victim that was their game was beyond saving. Odell made it 5-0 on a two on zero rush with King. Even though PW did manage to score on the power play late in the second, it was too little too late. It was as close as they would get. Hendricks completed his hat trick with an early power play goal of his own in the third, and Breiterman salted the game away with a blast from the point on another power play in the final minutes.
7-1. Game, Comrades.
OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES:
-"If there was one thing I learned during my hiking trip out west it is that there is always another hill to climb," a very poetic Lotocki told reporters after the game. "We may be very high on ourselves right now with our winning streak, but we have not done anything yet." Lotocki, maintaining his serious demeanor, continued, "If there was a second thing I learned about being outside for such a long period of time, is that there is no such thing as packing too little toilet paper."
-Scott Hoefer continued his solid play tonight, registering three shots on goal and a few shot blocks. In the final minutes of the third period, the defenseman went down to block a slap shot, even with the game well in control. "I don't like getting scored on. I think I made it pretty clear that I like winning," Hoefer said afterward, angrily shaking his fist at the members of the media. "If I wasn't ahead by such a large margin in the ass blocks, you better believe those buns would have been facing the fire."
-Matt Kraus played a solid game. Now can he show up in the playoffs? Not skill wise, but physically. The nation of Russia would appreciate it.
-Someone on Prestige Worldwide (I can't remember the jersey number) asked for a shout-out for their three penalty performance. I commend you sir. I can't remember the calls, but if they were for three different infractions then I would give you a star of the game, if only for creativity.
THREE STARS
3- Matt Kraus
2- Pat King
1- Mark Hendricks
Alright Comrades, regular season is over. 11-2-1. Pretty good, pretty good. Ready to do some real work now?
The game's first period was exactly as many of the analysts expected it to be: fast, hard, and consensual. The teams raced back and forth over the blue surface in what proved to be a goaltender's dual of an opening frame. Both teams generated chances, but neither was able to dent the twine. Ryan Odell missed a backdoor one timer after a set up from Mark Hendricks, and moments later Hendricks was unable to convert a breakaway of his own.
"We couldn't find a way to get one past them," Odell said afterward. "I should have gotten that one in the first, but the angle was pretty extreme. Both teams were doing a good job backchecking, so the forwards didn't have as much time to create." Odell then popped a Vicodin and put his hockey gear into the trunk of his unicorn.
The first period ended scoreless, and both teams went back to their respective benches and caught their collective breaths.
"I was pretty dead after the first period," Hendricks said. "I mean, I think I was trying to run and gun a bit too much. We knew we were getting chances, but we had to be smarter. We had to stop forcing things and let it come naturally, wait, that came out wrong. What I'm trying to say is that I think we were squeezing our sticks a bit too tight. When we are going down on their goalie, we want to make sure we don't rush it. If we push it too hard, it will all be over too quick. We have to take our time down there and really work it. There, I think that came out much better."
Hendricks and company displayed more patience in the second, and they reaped the benefits early; often. On the very first shift of the second period, Ben Breiterman found an open Hendricks, who had slipped behind the defense, with a pass right up the middle. Hendricks lost the puck for a moment, causing the Prestige netminder to leave his crease for a diving poke check. Hendricks was able to regain control, elude the poke check, and fire the puck into the empty net from a difficult angle.
"I saw him up the middle," Breiterman said after the game. "I knew he normally hangs out back on the other side of the rink, but he is normally guarded. This time it was like the parting of the Red Sea. Since I'm Jewish and all, and Moses is my homeboy, I had to hit him with that pass. L'chaim! Yahtzee!"
On the ensuing faceoff, the Red Army went to work again. Odell pulled the draw back to Brad Lotocki, who was playing his second consecutive game since his journey out west. Lotocki drew two defensemen and fed a pass to Hendricks, who found himself sprung again, this time on a two on one rush with Odell. Hendricks, showing pass the whole time, caught the goalie off guard and shot a wrister that found the short side. After a scoreless fifteen minutes, the Red Army had struck twice in less than a minute. Floodgates: open.
Pat King joined the action and ended his three game goalless drought with a dandy on a delayed penalty. After Lotocki had drawn a penalty in the defensive zone, he fired a long outlet pass that King was able to corral. The goaltender again went for the poke check, and again, he missed. King backhanded the biscuit into the gaping twine, and the score was now 3-0.
They were not done. Moments later, the Labia Line made it 4-0. Breiterman gave Hendricks an indirect pass off of the boards, and Hendricks, with a full head of steam, took it hard into the zone. After skating by one defender, Hendricks threw a backhand pass across the crease where the King tucked it home. It was goal #100 on the season for the Comrades.
"It feels special to score the 100th," King said. "After not scoring in the first, some of us were worried it might not happen. But then the way we started the second period, hot damn. Throw your mother fucking "L"s up!"
Prestige Worldwide tried to stop the bleeding by calling their timeout after the fourth goal, but the dying victim that was their game was beyond saving. Odell made it 5-0 on a two on zero rush with King. Even though PW did manage to score on the power play late in the second, it was too little too late. It was as close as they would get. Hendricks completed his hat trick with an early power play goal of his own in the third, and Breiterman salted the game away with a blast from the point on another power play in the final minutes.
7-1. Game, Comrades.
OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES:
-"If there was one thing I learned during my hiking trip out west it is that there is always another hill to climb," a very poetic Lotocki told reporters after the game. "We may be very high on ourselves right now with our winning streak, but we have not done anything yet." Lotocki, maintaining his serious demeanor, continued, "If there was a second thing I learned about being outside for such a long period of time, is that there is no such thing as packing too little toilet paper."
-Scott Hoefer continued his solid play tonight, registering three shots on goal and a few shot blocks. In the final minutes of the third period, the defenseman went down to block a slap shot, even with the game well in control. "I don't like getting scored on. I think I made it pretty clear that I like winning," Hoefer said afterward, angrily shaking his fist at the members of the media. "If I wasn't ahead by such a large margin in the ass blocks, you better believe those buns would have been facing the fire."
-Matt Kraus played a solid game. Now can he show up in the playoffs? Not skill wise, but physically. The nation of Russia would appreciate it.
-Someone on Prestige Worldwide (I can't remember the jersey number) asked for a shout-out for their three penalty performance. I commend you sir. I can't remember the calls, but if they were for three different infractions then I would give you a star of the game, if only for creativity.
THREE STARS
3- Matt Kraus
2- Pat King
1- Mark Hendricks
Alright Comrades, regular season is over. 11-2-1. Pretty good, pretty good. Ready to do some real work now?
Season Finale Muses
Wow, now this is fun. Two teams, tied in the standings, tangle tonight on the blue surface for sole possession of second place. For the Red Army, a win coupled with a Cryptic Stench loss vaults them into first place. But let's not get ahead of ourselves (plus, the Caps play the Flyers on Tuesday, and if Mother Russia earns the #1 spot they will play on Tuesday, and not Thursday). What it boils down to is an excellent challenge before embarking on a post season journey.
What's important about tonight? Well, for one, that winning streak can reach 10 tonight. You know the standings in baseball, where each team has the "Last 10" record. Well with a win tonight, the Soviets would have a big fat "10-0" in that column. That my friends, is baller status. Still, win number 10 will be no cakewalk. Prestige Worldwide is boasting a five game winning streak of their own. These two teams both know how to win, and have identical 10-2-1 records. I'm sure PW would love nothing more than to re-defeat the Red Army and send a message before post season play begins. Mother Russia's Boys want to show PW that they are a far different hockey team than five weeks ago. This is going to be fun.
I thought this would be a good opportunity to reflect back on just how special this season has been. Back in early September I wrote a story detailing what would qualify as a successful season. The article was written mostly tongue in cheek, as I was still grieving from a disappointing summer season that ended all too early and had little faith that this fall team could compete as well the summer team did. I set aside 5 goals (most of which I thought at the time to be unattainable) to aim for in order to classify this season as a success or a failure. Here they are:
1: A winning record. I figured with some luck, maybe a few overtime losses, and more luck, we could maybe squeak out a 6-5-3 record. After our 1-2-1 start I did not expect us to surpass the .500 mark again. It wasn't that I had little faith, it just seemed that early in the season we were losing the close games, something that has plagued this franchise for the better part of a decade now. Little did I know that with the return of Ben, the emergence of Pat, the Vezina-like performances of Andy, and Hoefers' attitude for winning, that we would gel as a team and no longer wilt in the third like we always did. The winning streak was born, a winning record clinched (four games before the end of the season), and the first goal accomplished. My tongue was exiting my cheek.
2: Puck possession. It seems that we were always chasing teams in seasons past. That directly led to our final frame collapses, as we were tired and couldn't keep up and would allow far too many odd man rushes. Such is not the case anymore. With a solid defensive corps of Ben, Ryan, Jerrod, Hoefer, and Andy, the outlet passes are crisp, there isn't as much panic with the puck, and the Red Army has the puck more than the opposition. A lot more. I give this goal a very thick check mark. One so thick, it is discernible from outer space.
3: Faceoffs. Hoefer was Dave Steckel before moving back to defense this season. Steve, before his injury, also was dominating the dot. Ryan has proven that he can take the occasional draw in the defensive zone, and Pat and Tony have been winning the majority of their draws as well. What's most impressive, is the communication on faceoffs. Even on losses, assignments are picked up and people covered. There are few lapses in the Soviet game. This subject I also give an enthusiastic check mark to.
4: 5 Ten goal scorers. This is a tough one. According to the statistics, the Red Army only has 3 (Mark, Pat, and Ryan). Though, because of an error in Ben's jersey number, his stats were not recorded, so he makes #4 unofficially. If Steve's injury hadn't happened, he most likely would have cracked the ten goal plateau. Even without the stats to prove it, this team can score. 94 goals through 13 games... that's over 7 goals a game. I'd trade in the 5 ten goal scorers for a team scoring 7 a game any day. Check.
5: Third round or bust. Well, well, well. I don't have to say it. We've never been there. After tonight, regardless of the final score, we will be eagerly awaiting an opponent in the second round. One win and we accomplished every goal this season and we can call it a success, right?
No.
Expectations change when you win 9 in a row. Expectations change when you beat the one seed in a thrilling come from behind overtime game. This season, to be a success, ends with a championship. After tonight, there are four more wins to get. We've been winning for over a month now. Let's keep it going into November.
What's important about tonight? Well, for one, that winning streak can reach 10 tonight. You know the standings in baseball, where each team has the "Last 10" record. Well with a win tonight, the Soviets would have a big fat "10-0" in that column. That my friends, is baller status. Still, win number 10 will be no cakewalk. Prestige Worldwide is boasting a five game winning streak of their own. These two teams both know how to win, and have identical 10-2-1 records. I'm sure PW would love nothing more than to re-defeat the Red Army and send a message before post season play begins. Mother Russia's Boys want to show PW that they are a far different hockey team than five weeks ago. This is going to be fun.
I thought this would be a good opportunity to reflect back on just how special this season has been. Back in early September I wrote a story detailing what would qualify as a successful season. The article was written mostly tongue in cheek, as I was still grieving from a disappointing summer season that ended all too early and had little faith that this fall team could compete as well the summer team did. I set aside 5 goals (most of which I thought at the time to be unattainable) to aim for in order to classify this season as a success or a failure. Here they are:
1: A winning record. I figured with some luck, maybe a few overtime losses, and more luck, we could maybe squeak out a 6-5-3 record. After our 1-2-1 start I did not expect us to surpass the .500 mark again. It wasn't that I had little faith, it just seemed that early in the season we were losing the close games, something that has plagued this franchise for the better part of a decade now. Little did I know that with the return of Ben, the emergence of Pat, the Vezina-like performances of Andy, and Hoefers' attitude for winning, that we would gel as a team and no longer wilt in the third like we always did. The winning streak was born, a winning record clinched (four games before the end of the season), and the first goal accomplished. My tongue was exiting my cheek.
2: Puck possession. It seems that we were always chasing teams in seasons past. That directly led to our final frame collapses, as we were tired and couldn't keep up and would allow far too many odd man rushes. Such is not the case anymore. With a solid defensive corps of Ben, Ryan, Jerrod, Hoefer, and Andy, the outlet passes are crisp, there isn't as much panic with the puck, and the Red Army has the puck more than the opposition. A lot more. I give this goal a very thick check mark. One so thick, it is discernible from outer space.
3: Faceoffs. Hoefer was Dave Steckel before moving back to defense this season. Steve, before his injury, also was dominating the dot. Ryan has proven that he can take the occasional draw in the defensive zone, and Pat and Tony have been winning the majority of their draws as well. What's most impressive, is the communication on faceoffs. Even on losses, assignments are picked up and people covered. There are few lapses in the Soviet game. This subject I also give an enthusiastic check mark to.
4: 5 Ten goal scorers. This is a tough one. According to the statistics, the Red Army only has 3 (Mark, Pat, and Ryan). Though, because of an error in Ben's jersey number, his stats were not recorded, so he makes #4 unofficially. If Steve's injury hadn't happened, he most likely would have cracked the ten goal plateau. Even without the stats to prove it, this team can score. 94 goals through 13 games... that's over 7 goals a game. I'd trade in the 5 ten goal scorers for a team scoring 7 a game any day. Check.
5: Third round or bust. Well, well, well. I don't have to say it. We've never been there. After tonight, regardless of the final score, we will be eagerly awaiting an opponent in the second round. One win and we accomplished every goal this season and we can call it a success, right?
No.
Expectations change when you win 9 in a row. Expectations change when you beat the one seed in a thrilling come from behind overtime game. This season, to be a success, ends with a championship. After tonight, there are four more wins to get. We've been winning for over a month now. Let's keep it going into November.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Solid 3rd Period Lifts Soviets to New Heights
Ten wins. Yes beloved Comrades, ten. For the first time in the franchise's five year history, the team has reached the ten win mark. How did it happen? Well, tonight it happened like so many other Red Army victories have happened this year: in comeback fashion. Thanks to another fantastic third period and timely goal scoring, the win column for the Soviets is now double digits.
The scoring began in the first period, when Brad "Paul Bunyan" Lotocki hammered one in from in tight. Ex-comrades Lotocki and Brian Lynch rejoined their squad when Alternate Captain Mark Hendricks sent out a text message asking for help.
"Normally Mark's texts can be pretty gay," Lotocki said afterward, warming his hands over the makeshift fire he has created in the Sportsplex hallway. "Last week he quoted Miley Cyrus or something. But when he said that the Red Army was missing some people, I figured I could help out." Lotocki then proceeded to catch a Well Mannered Sea Bass and cook it over his open flame.
Lotocki's tally gave the Soviets a lead that was short lived. The Strangers struck twice before the conclusion of the first, and went into intermission leading by one.
"The bench was pretty quiet between periods tonight," Ryan Odell said. "I mean, some of us were hungover, some of us were sick, and some of us were just tired. We knew we had to keep skating. And I knew I had to keep hitting, cleanly."
Hendricks, who was a game-time decision to play tonight, got the offense going a bit in the second period. After an extended shift in the Stranger zone that ended without a goal, Hendricks found paydirt on a rush with Ben Breiterman moments later. Hendricks corralled a deflected pass from Breiterman and waited out the goalie before firing one top shelf right where Spongebob hides the cocaine.
"The pass didn't get through as cleanly as I would have wanted it to," Breiterman said after the game. "I just haven't been the same since washing my equipment. I never should have. I could really go for a Willa Ford bang right now. Is 5:03pm too early for a booty call?"
The seesaw game would continue though, as the Strangers responded to the Soviet strike with two of their own. Trailing 4-2 late in the second frame, the Red Army got another boost from Lotocki. With Hendricks planting a screen in front, Lotocki banged home a cross crease feed from Odell.
The period ended 4-3, and as usual, the Red Army was behind going into the final fifteen minutes of play. One line change was made at intermission, as Odell was shifted to forward to try and add another weapon up front and give more time between shifts to the weary forwards. With the defensive corps down to just three, it was going to be an uphill climb.
Lotocki, having just climbed most of the hills and mountains in America, tacked on his third of the game and leveled the score at four. As Mr. and Mrs. King threw hats down onto the rink, disrupting game play for a few minutes, Lotocki tended to his big blue ox, which had begun charging players on the adjacent soccer field.
Soon after the fiasco was over and the hats removed, game play was resumed, and Hendricks scored the two easiest goals of his career. The first came on a backdoor pass from Breiterman, which gave Hendricks a gaping 6X4 to shoot at. After taking the 5-4 lead, Hendricks would again be the benefactor of an empty net. This time Pat King pressured the goalie, who has strayed into the corner to play the puck, and intercepted an errant pass. The goaltender, trying to race back into his crease, was not as fast as King's pass to Hendricks. Hendricks took the pass and deposited his hat trick tally.
"I just put pressure on the goalie and he fired it right at me," King told reporters after the game. "When it hit me I heard Mark yelling from the crease, so I just threw the puck over to him. I'm not sure Mark ever was ever further than 10 feet from the Stranger's goal tonight..."
"Easiest goals of my lfe," Hendricks said, smiling smug as a dog before unleashing a hoarse cough that sounded of swine. "You all have AIDS," he added.
Hendricks would add one more on a breakaway to put the final nail in the coffin on the game. The score ended 7-4 in favor of the Red Army, and the streak was still very much alive.
OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES
-"I like winning," Scott Hoefer reported to anyone who would listen after the game. It is unsure at this moment what Mr. Hoefer's views are on ties.
-With seven more goals tonight, the Red Army now has a season total of 96, just 4 shy of 100.
-The Red Army clinched a first round bye with a Puck Ewes overtime loss this past Thursday, but with two points tonight they are now tied for second place with Prestige Worldwide. Quick question: Who is Mother Russia's season finale against? Amswer: Prestige Worldwide.
-Nine wins in a row... that's worth its own hyphen, no?
THREE STARS
3- Scott Hoefer
2- Pat King
1- Brad Lotocki
The scoring began in the first period, when Brad "Paul Bunyan" Lotocki hammered one in from in tight. Ex-comrades Lotocki and Brian Lynch rejoined their squad when Alternate Captain Mark Hendricks sent out a text message asking for help.
"Normally Mark's texts can be pretty gay," Lotocki said afterward, warming his hands over the makeshift fire he has created in the Sportsplex hallway. "Last week he quoted Miley Cyrus or something. But when he said that the Red Army was missing some people, I figured I could help out." Lotocki then proceeded to catch a Well Mannered Sea Bass and cook it over his open flame.
Lotocki's tally gave the Soviets a lead that was short lived. The Strangers struck twice before the conclusion of the first, and went into intermission leading by one.
"The bench was pretty quiet between periods tonight," Ryan Odell said. "I mean, some of us were hungover, some of us were sick, and some of us were just tired. We knew we had to keep skating. And I knew I had to keep hitting, cleanly."
Hendricks, who was a game-time decision to play tonight, got the offense going a bit in the second period. After an extended shift in the Stranger zone that ended without a goal, Hendricks found paydirt on a rush with Ben Breiterman moments later. Hendricks corralled a deflected pass from Breiterman and waited out the goalie before firing one top shelf right where Spongebob hides the cocaine.
"The pass didn't get through as cleanly as I would have wanted it to," Breiterman said after the game. "I just haven't been the same since washing my equipment. I never should have. I could really go for a Willa Ford bang right now. Is 5:03pm too early for a booty call?"
The seesaw game would continue though, as the Strangers responded to the Soviet strike with two of their own. Trailing 4-2 late in the second frame, the Red Army got another boost from Lotocki. With Hendricks planting a screen in front, Lotocki banged home a cross crease feed from Odell.
The period ended 4-3, and as usual, the Red Army was behind going into the final fifteen minutes of play. One line change was made at intermission, as Odell was shifted to forward to try and add another weapon up front and give more time between shifts to the weary forwards. With the defensive corps down to just three, it was going to be an uphill climb.
Lotocki, having just climbed most of the hills and mountains in America, tacked on his third of the game and leveled the score at four. As Mr. and Mrs. King threw hats down onto the rink, disrupting game play for a few minutes, Lotocki tended to his big blue ox, which had begun charging players on the adjacent soccer field.
Soon after the fiasco was over and the hats removed, game play was resumed, and Hendricks scored the two easiest goals of his career. The first came on a backdoor pass from Breiterman, which gave Hendricks a gaping 6X4 to shoot at. After taking the 5-4 lead, Hendricks would again be the benefactor of an empty net. This time Pat King pressured the goalie, who has strayed into the corner to play the puck, and intercepted an errant pass. The goaltender, trying to race back into his crease, was not as fast as King's pass to Hendricks. Hendricks took the pass and deposited his hat trick tally.
"I just put pressure on the goalie and he fired it right at me," King told reporters after the game. "When it hit me I heard Mark yelling from the crease, so I just threw the puck over to him. I'm not sure Mark ever was ever further than 10 feet from the Stranger's goal tonight..."
"Easiest goals of my lfe," Hendricks said, smiling smug as a dog before unleashing a hoarse cough that sounded of swine. "You all have AIDS," he added.
Hendricks would add one more on a breakaway to put the final nail in the coffin on the game. The score ended 7-4 in favor of the Red Army, and the streak was still very much alive.
OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES
-"I like winning," Scott Hoefer reported to anyone who would listen after the game. It is unsure at this moment what Mr. Hoefer's views are on ties.
-With seven more goals tonight, the Red Army now has a season total of 96, just 4 shy of 100.
-The Red Army clinched a first round bye with a Puck Ewes overtime loss this past Thursday, but with two points tonight they are now tied for second place with Prestige Worldwide. Quick question: Who is Mother Russia's season finale against? Amswer: Prestige Worldwide.
-Nine wins in a row... that's worth its own hyphen, no?
THREE STARS
3- Scott Hoefer
2- Pat King
1- Brad Lotocki
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Two More Points
Well, it wasn't the rock'em sock'em battle that many had anticipated. It wasn't the offensive shootout that many had thought it would be. No, in tonight's game discipline and defense reigned supreme for the Comrades. It was the perfect performance for a team poised to make a lengthy post season run.
Before the game had even started, things seemed gloomy for Mother Russia. Kraus, who has turned out to be more flaky than a leper colony this season, was AWOL... again. True trooper Andy Schram was able to finagle some goalie pads after him and League Commissioner Andrew Jenkins broke down the door to the equipment room. The game was delayed a few moments, but after four warm up shots on the cold goalie (who was missing a girdle, cup, and a goalie mask) the teams lined up at center. The Soviets had only six skaters to take on their hated rival, but anyone following this team knows that these six have been winning for a month now (the last loss was one month ago tonight). Sorry Shockers, try as you might, the Red Army is a Russian Machine right now...and Russian Machine never break.
In true Red Army fashion, they fell behind early. Two quick goals against Andy had Mother Russia's Boys back on their heels. In fact, the second goal was waved off until Nobel Peace Prize candidate for his work in the field of Untimely Honesty, Ryan Odell, informed the referee that the deficit the Comrades faced was indeed larger than one.
"Look, I want to beat these guys just as much as anyone." Odell said afterward. "But I want to beat them fair." Odell's debit to the karma account would pay dividends in the third.
Still, trailing by two goals early in the first, the Soviets received a boost from the Bronze League Leading Scorer Mark Hendricks. He brought the game to within one moments before tying it on identical breakaway five hole dekes.
"Our forecheck let me get those breakaways." Hendricks said, while soaking in his bathtub. "Ahhhh... man this is soooooo comfy. But definitely, the forecheck was huge. We put pressure on them and made them make ill advised passes. They may be the faster team but we can slow them down and make them play into our system. We can be run and gun too. Oh wow... Strawberry Kiwi shampoo!?! I think so!"
The period would end knotted at two. Schram steered away a few shots though most of the action occurred in the Shockers' end.
The second period featured more even game play, and despite multiple glorious chances in tight, the Comrades were unable to pierce the rival goalie to take the lead. Hendricks was denied point blank a few minutes after hitting the crossbar. Pat King, looking to increase his point total, had a nice move to elude a defenseman only to be denied on a breakaway. Even Ben Breiterman, who has been money in the bank lately, was unable to dent the twine on two or three golden opportunities. Instead, on a quick transition after another failed Soviet attack, the Shockers took the lead on a goal that even Schram admitted was soft.
"It just kind of fluttered past me." Schram said, soaking in a hot tub while listening to Enya. "I mean, obviously I'd like to have that one back, but at the same time after the goal our guys really buckled down defensively and I got my confidence back. Hey, could you hand me those lavender candles? Thanks... ahhh nothing like the post game soak in the tub."
The Soviets trailed 3-2 going into the final frame. The bench seemed relaxed and calm though, far different from earlier in the season when a third period collapse was inevitable. Now the Red Army, who seem to make a habit out of third period heroics, were the ones causing the collapses. Their confidence was palpable.
"We talked about playing our same style." King said. "We knew we were outshooting them, we knew we were outskating them, and we knew we were limiting their skill guys to few chances. If we kept it up and kept getting shots on goal, good things would happen. The levy would break."
The greatest adage in hockey came true in the opening minute of the third period: throw the puck on goal and good things happen. Odell, upon skating east to west into the Shocker zone, fired a low slap shot. With Tony Horton crashing the net, the defending Shocker had his stick on the blue surface to try and tie up the Big Rig. Instead of steering it to safety however, the puck ricocheted off of his stick and directly into the goal. It was 3-3, and the Soviets were once again even.
A few more scoreless minutes were played, and thanks to short shifts the Soviets remained fresh while the Shockers seemed a bit sluggish. As a result, Horton and King had the energy to crash the net after a long slapper from the point was lost in the opposing netminder's gear. After a wild scramble and several whacks at the loose puck, the Comrades began celebrating as the whistle sounded. Horton and King were both pointing at the puck, which had slid under the goalie. The referee, reversing his original washout sign, pointed emphatically at the net and signaled that the goal was good. Pandemonium ensued. The Red Army celebrated at center, hugging and high fiving as they had taken a lead late in the game, while a pissed off Shocker (Shocker!) argued furiously with the lone referee. His arguing tactics were less than proper, and he was subsequently given a two minute unsportsmanlike penalty as well as a game misconduct. Thus, the streak of at least one player being ejected in a Red Army/Shockers game remains in tact.
"I think I got it." Horton said afterward, joking with King.
"No, no, no... totally my goal." King responded. "You got it on the goal line, I pushed it over."
"Noooo, I'm pretty sure it was all me."
"Well, you may think that but when they review the play in Toronto I think we will find the truth."
At this time it is unsure who the goal will be credited to, though it appears that Horton will be indeed tacking on another goal in his goal column.
The Red Army failed to capitalize on their powerplay, but they had certainly entered the head of the Shocker netminder. Having already been collided with a few times by Horton and (air) Hendricks, he was more apt to play the puck aggressively. It cost him. Hendricks gathered the puck, and with a head full of steam, circled the net. The netminder abandoned his post early to meet Hendricks at the other side. Hendricks was there, the puck was not. Hendricks made a nifty behind the back no look pass to Breiterman, and Breiterman made no mistake about it, slamming it home. 5-3. In a role reversal from earlier in the season, it was the Shockers who were wilting under the Russian attack.
Hendricks would seal the deal a few minutes later on yet another fivehole breakaway deke for the hat trick. Even with a three goal lead and three minutes to play, the Red Army players refused to let up. Scott Hoefer complimented his excellent defensive game with a textbook shot block, sprawling down to deflect the puck out of play off of his shin guards.
"I took one in my ass for Andy again tonight." Hoefer said. "I like blocking shots when I don't take them in my ass. I just have to learn how to repeat that form I had out there with the shin guards."
Fun fact: Hoefer leads the league in ass blocks with two (a new stat that began this season.) Another fun fact: He leads all other players by two.
Horton also blocked a shot late in the game, and despite a late penalty, the Soviets staved off the final attacks from the Shockers and exorcised the demons to the tune of a 6-3 victory.
"I would have fought someone tonight." Breiterman said, undoing the foil he had wrapped his fists in. "I gotta kick somebody's ass. Maybe a gay's ass. I haven't whooped a fag in a while. Where are Mark and Andy? They are pretty gay."
ODDS AND ENDS:
-If the Puck Ewes lose to Prestige Worldwide on Thursday night, the Red Army will clinch their first ever first round bye of the playoffs. What better way to make it to the third round for the first time in franchise history if you only have to win one game to get there?
-Hendricks now has his first ever 50 point season (oh yeah, I went there)
-Speaking of explosive offense, the Red Army now has 89 goals, 11 shy of 100. Quite appropriately, their final two games are against the 2nd and 3rd best defense's in goals against. As I've learned this season though, never bet against Mother Russia's Boys.
-King failed to put one where Pooh Bear hides the honey tonight, look for him to amend that quickly on Sunday.
Well, that's it for tonight Comrades. Next game is Sunday against the Strangers at 4 pm. Last time these two teams met the Red Army won on an own goal in overtime. With a lot on the line, don't expect the Strangers to be so giving. I said I wanted six points in the final three games, we got two, there's four more on the table.
THREE STARS:
3: Scott Hoefer (epic shot block)
2: Andy Schram (5-0 as a goaltender)
1: Tony Horton (best goal of the season... assuming Toronto agrees).
Before the game had even started, things seemed gloomy for Mother Russia. Kraus, who has turned out to be more flaky than a leper colony this season, was AWOL... again. True trooper Andy Schram was able to finagle some goalie pads after him and League Commissioner Andrew Jenkins broke down the door to the equipment room. The game was delayed a few moments, but after four warm up shots on the cold goalie (who was missing a girdle, cup, and a goalie mask) the teams lined up at center. The Soviets had only six skaters to take on their hated rival, but anyone following this team knows that these six have been winning for a month now (the last loss was one month ago tonight). Sorry Shockers, try as you might, the Red Army is a Russian Machine right now...and Russian Machine never break.
In true Red Army fashion, they fell behind early. Two quick goals against Andy had Mother Russia's Boys back on their heels. In fact, the second goal was waved off until Nobel Peace Prize candidate for his work in the field of Untimely Honesty, Ryan Odell, informed the referee that the deficit the Comrades faced was indeed larger than one.
"Look, I want to beat these guys just as much as anyone." Odell said afterward. "But I want to beat them fair." Odell's debit to the karma account would pay dividends in the third.
Still, trailing by two goals early in the first, the Soviets received a boost from the Bronze League Leading Scorer Mark Hendricks. He brought the game to within one moments before tying it on identical breakaway five hole dekes.
"Our forecheck let me get those breakaways." Hendricks said, while soaking in his bathtub. "Ahhhh... man this is soooooo comfy. But definitely, the forecheck was huge. We put pressure on them and made them make ill advised passes. They may be the faster team but we can slow them down and make them play into our system. We can be run and gun too. Oh wow... Strawberry Kiwi shampoo!?! I think so!"
The period would end knotted at two. Schram steered away a few shots though most of the action occurred in the Shockers' end.
The second period featured more even game play, and despite multiple glorious chances in tight, the Comrades were unable to pierce the rival goalie to take the lead. Hendricks was denied point blank a few minutes after hitting the crossbar. Pat King, looking to increase his point total, had a nice move to elude a defenseman only to be denied on a breakaway. Even Ben Breiterman, who has been money in the bank lately, was unable to dent the twine on two or three golden opportunities. Instead, on a quick transition after another failed Soviet attack, the Shockers took the lead on a goal that even Schram admitted was soft.
"It just kind of fluttered past me." Schram said, soaking in a hot tub while listening to Enya. "I mean, obviously I'd like to have that one back, but at the same time after the goal our guys really buckled down defensively and I got my confidence back. Hey, could you hand me those lavender candles? Thanks... ahhh nothing like the post game soak in the tub."
The Soviets trailed 3-2 going into the final frame. The bench seemed relaxed and calm though, far different from earlier in the season when a third period collapse was inevitable. Now the Red Army, who seem to make a habit out of third period heroics, were the ones causing the collapses. Their confidence was palpable.
"We talked about playing our same style." King said. "We knew we were outshooting them, we knew we were outskating them, and we knew we were limiting their skill guys to few chances. If we kept it up and kept getting shots on goal, good things would happen. The levy would break."
The greatest adage in hockey came true in the opening minute of the third period: throw the puck on goal and good things happen. Odell, upon skating east to west into the Shocker zone, fired a low slap shot. With Tony Horton crashing the net, the defending Shocker had his stick on the blue surface to try and tie up the Big Rig. Instead of steering it to safety however, the puck ricocheted off of his stick and directly into the goal. It was 3-3, and the Soviets were once again even.
A few more scoreless minutes were played, and thanks to short shifts the Soviets remained fresh while the Shockers seemed a bit sluggish. As a result, Horton and King had the energy to crash the net after a long slapper from the point was lost in the opposing netminder's gear. After a wild scramble and several whacks at the loose puck, the Comrades began celebrating as the whistle sounded. Horton and King were both pointing at the puck, which had slid under the goalie. The referee, reversing his original washout sign, pointed emphatically at the net and signaled that the goal was good. Pandemonium ensued. The Red Army celebrated at center, hugging and high fiving as they had taken a lead late in the game, while a pissed off Shocker (Shocker!) argued furiously with the lone referee. His arguing tactics were less than proper, and he was subsequently given a two minute unsportsmanlike penalty as well as a game misconduct. Thus, the streak of at least one player being ejected in a Red Army/Shockers game remains in tact.
"I think I got it." Horton said afterward, joking with King.
"No, no, no... totally my goal." King responded. "You got it on the goal line, I pushed it over."
"Noooo, I'm pretty sure it was all me."
"Well, you may think that but when they review the play in Toronto I think we will find the truth."
At this time it is unsure who the goal will be credited to, though it appears that Horton will be indeed tacking on another goal in his goal column.
The Red Army failed to capitalize on their powerplay, but they had certainly entered the head of the Shocker netminder. Having already been collided with a few times by Horton and (air) Hendricks, he was more apt to play the puck aggressively. It cost him. Hendricks gathered the puck, and with a head full of steam, circled the net. The netminder abandoned his post early to meet Hendricks at the other side. Hendricks was there, the puck was not. Hendricks made a nifty behind the back no look pass to Breiterman, and Breiterman made no mistake about it, slamming it home. 5-3. In a role reversal from earlier in the season, it was the Shockers who were wilting under the Russian attack.
Hendricks would seal the deal a few minutes later on yet another fivehole breakaway deke for the hat trick. Even with a three goal lead and three minutes to play, the Red Army players refused to let up. Scott Hoefer complimented his excellent defensive game with a textbook shot block, sprawling down to deflect the puck out of play off of his shin guards.
"I took one in my ass for Andy again tonight." Hoefer said. "I like blocking shots when I don't take them in my ass. I just have to learn how to repeat that form I had out there with the shin guards."
Fun fact: Hoefer leads the league in ass blocks with two (a new stat that began this season.) Another fun fact: He leads all other players by two.
Horton also blocked a shot late in the game, and despite a late penalty, the Soviets staved off the final attacks from the Shockers and exorcised the demons to the tune of a 6-3 victory.
"I would have fought someone tonight." Breiterman said, undoing the foil he had wrapped his fists in. "I gotta kick somebody's ass. Maybe a gay's ass. I haven't whooped a fag in a while. Where are Mark and Andy? They are pretty gay."
ODDS AND ENDS:
-If the Puck Ewes lose to Prestige Worldwide on Thursday night, the Red Army will clinch their first ever first round bye of the playoffs. What better way to make it to the third round for the first time in franchise history if you only have to win one game to get there?
-Hendricks now has his first ever 50 point season (oh yeah, I went there)
-Speaking of explosive offense, the Red Army now has 89 goals, 11 shy of 100. Quite appropriately, their final two games are against the 2nd and 3rd best defense's in goals against. As I've learned this season though, never bet against Mother Russia's Boys.
-King failed to put one where Pooh Bear hides the honey tonight, look for him to amend that quickly on Sunday.
Well, that's it for tonight Comrades. Next game is Sunday against the Strangers at 4 pm. Last time these two teams met the Red Army won on an own goal in overtime. With a lot on the line, don't expect the Strangers to be so giving. I said I wanted six points in the final three games, we got two, there's four more on the table.
THREE STARS:
3: Scott Hoefer (epic shot block)
2: Andy Schram (5-0 as a goaltender)
1: Tony Horton (best goal of the season... assuming Toronto agrees).
This Team is Good... Very Good
When the Red Army won their...errr...game the other night, they won easily, as they have done a few times this season. In fact, it seems that Mother Russia knows how to win only two ways: by blowout or by one goal (usually in overtime). The old adage is right though, "a win is a win is a win", and boy have there been plenty this season. So the question must be asked, "What gives?"
Going into tonight's game (which will be previewed in a bit), the Red Army is 8-2-1 and tied for 2nd place in a division with 12 teams. They are two points behind the first place Cryptic Stench, whom they defeated in dramatic "It's-not-over-til-it's-over" fashion. They have already eclipsed the 16 point mark, a feat they did not accomplish until the season finale last year. They have a league best seven game winning streak despite playing with short benches for most of those games. They are flirting more and more with the 100 goal total for the season, a benchmark never before reached even when all four of the Hendricks brothers laced up the skates. They are doing a lot of things, and they are doing them well. But still, what gives? Let's take a look at a few contributing factors:
Offseason Aquisitions: After the departures of Neal and Brian Hendricks, Chris Duhaime, Jamie Simek, and Ben Breiterman, Mother Russia needed to dip in the free agency pool. They brought back seasoned veterans Ryan Odell, Scott Hoefer, and Jerrod Funk, all of which are defensemen. Odell and Funk are puck moving defensemen that are a threat to score at anytime, while Hoefer provides the stability of a stay at home guy, though he has chipped in with a pair of tallies the past few games. After a sluggish start to the season, the Red Army welcomed back Breiterman. Breiterman solidified the defense as one of the best in the league. As we all know, offense wins games, but defense wins.... wait, can't say it. Still, with the losses of the Hendricks twins and Duhaime, there was a void in the offense. Salvation came in the form of...
Secondary Scoring: The Soviets have received a lot of scoring from Mark Hendricks and their defense this year, but the emergence of Pat King as a certified sniper adds an entire new level to the Soviets' game. After a four goal explosion (career high for the King) on Sunday night, Patrick Hatrick now has 13 goals and 6 assists, all while playing in only 6 games. That's more than 3 points a game. Sure, much of that can be attributed to playing on the top line with Hendricks, but look at Hendricks' numbers: 25 goals and 21 assists in 11 games. That is a career high for him as well. The two of them (as well as Breiterman and sometimes Hoefer) work well together in the offensive zone. The other team seldom touches the puck when the four of them are on the same page. Well, they do touch the puck when they fish it out of their own net. Maybe the Rocket Richard winner plays on that top line, but how about the Selke?
Tony Horton: Putting the Big Rig from defense to offense was equally as important as bringing in the four defenseman. Horton's speed and willingness to backcheck makes him invaluable to the Red Army. His big frame intimidates even the shiftiest of skaters, and he also chips in with timely goals. Let's not forget, this is the guy that led the team in scoring for a few games last year while playing defense. There is no doubt that the Aryan Racer can score, but who could have guessed he could prevent scoring so well? His ability to be the third man back allows King and Hendricks to poach a little bit. It doesn't show up on the scoresheet, but the backchecking Horton supplies is just as pretty as a cross crease pass from Odell to Hendricks.
Hendricks Career Year: (You didn't think I'd compliment everybody else without a shoutout to myself, did you? I'll keep it short.) 11 games, 25 goals, 21 assists. I think it is safe to say that this guy is turning a corner. He is passing more this season and creating more opportunities for the players around him. That being said, 25 goals also shows he isn't shy from pulling the trigger (both on the rink and while hovering inches above a dormatory toilet at VA Tech). This team used to only go as far as Hendricks would take them. That is not the case anymore, but it certainly doesn't hurt that he seems to be scoring at will these days.
The Schram Man's Versatility: Goalie- check. Offense- check. Defense- check. Yep, Andy the Mandy has enjoyed more positions than Breiterman's rented date on prom night did. He boasts an undefeated record as a goalie, but it is his ability to accept any mission the coaching staff wants him to fulfill that makes him a great player. There is a reason he wears that "A". Last game he was put on offense for the first time in over a year. How did he respond? By screening the bejesus out of a loaned Kraus and creating havoc in front of the net. It's also no mystery that he makes it a living hell for opposing forwards to try and interfere with his goalie.
Those are a few of the reasons that this team is succeeding right now. Throw in the return of the Captain in the coming days and the secondary scoring may receive another boost. Still though, just how high can the Red Army climb? Three games remain in the season: Tonight's matchup against the rival Shockers, Sunday's tilt with the fourth place Strangers, and the season finale against their 2nd place counterpart Prestige Worldwide. In season's past, with that schedule, I'd be content with 3 points. Today, I feel greedy. Six points. Let's make the Stench sweat a little. Eh, Comrades
Going into tonight's game (which will be previewed in a bit), the Red Army is 8-2-1 and tied for 2nd place in a division with 12 teams. They are two points behind the first place Cryptic Stench, whom they defeated in dramatic "It's-not-over-til-it's-over" fashion. They have already eclipsed the 16 point mark, a feat they did not accomplish until the season finale last year. They have a league best seven game winning streak despite playing with short benches for most of those games. They are flirting more and more with the 100 goal total for the season, a benchmark never before reached even when all four of the Hendricks brothers laced up the skates. They are doing a lot of things, and they are doing them well. But still, what gives? Let's take a look at a few contributing factors:
Offseason Aquisitions: After the departures of Neal and Brian Hendricks, Chris Duhaime, Jamie Simek, and Ben Breiterman, Mother Russia needed to dip in the free agency pool. They brought back seasoned veterans Ryan Odell, Scott Hoefer, and Jerrod Funk, all of which are defensemen. Odell and Funk are puck moving defensemen that are a threat to score at anytime, while Hoefer provides the stability of a stay at home guy, though he has chipped in with a pair of tallies the past few games. After a sluggish start to the season, the Red Army welcomed back Breiterman. Breiterman solidified the defense as one of the best in the league. As we all know, offense wins games, but defense wins.... wait, can't say it. Still, with the losses of the Hendricks twins and Duhaime, there was a void in the offense. Salvation came in the form of...
Secondary Scoring: The Soviets have received a lot of scoring from Mark Hendricks and their defense this year, but the emergence of Pat King as a certified sniper adds an entire new level to the Soviets' game. After a four goal explosion (career high for the King) on Sunday night, Patrick Hatrick now has 13 goals and 6 assists, all while playing in only 6 games. That's more than 3 points a game. Sure, much of that can be attributed to playing on the top line with Hendricks, but look at Hendricks' numbers: 25 goals and 21 assists in 11 games. That is a career high for him as well. The two of them (as well as Breiterman and sometimes Hoefer) work well together in the offensive zone. The other team seldom touches the puck when the four of them are on the same page. Well, they do touch the puck when they fish it out of their own net. Maybe the Rocket Richard winner plays on that top line, but how about the Selke?
Tony Horton: Putting the Big Rig from defense to offense was equally as important as bringing in the four defenseman. Horton's speed and willingness to backcheck makes him invaluable to the Red Army. His big frame intimidates even the shiftiest of skaters, and he also chips in with timely goals. Let's not forget, this is the guy that led the team in scoring for a few games last year while playing defense. There is no doubt that the Aryan Racer can score, but who could have guessed he could prevent scoring so well? His ability to be the third man back allows King and Hendricks to poach a little bit. It doesn't show up on the scoresheet, but the backchecking Horton supplies is just as pretty as a cross crease pass from Odell to Hendricks.
Hendricks Career Year: (You didn't think I'd compliment everybody else without a shoutout to myself, did you? I'll keep it short.) 11 games, 25 goals, 21 assists. I think it is safe to say that this guy is turning a corner. He is passing more this season and creating more opportunities for the players around him. That being said, 25 goals also shows he isn't shy from pulling the trigger (both on the rink and while hovering inches above a dormatory toilet at VA Tech). This team used to only go as far as Hendricks would take them. That is not the case anymore, but it certainly doesn't hurt that he seems to be scoring at will these days.
The Schram Man's Versatility: Goalie- check. Offense- check. Defense- check. Yep, Andy the Mandy has enjoyed more positions than Breiterman's rented date on prom night did. He boasts an undefeated record as a goalie, but it is his ability to accept any mission the coaching staff wants him to fulfill that makes him a great player. There is a reason he wears that "A". Last game he was put on offense for the first time in over a year. How did he respond? By screening the bejesus out of a loaned Kraus and creating havoc in front of the net. It's also no mystery that he makes it a living hell for opposing forwards to try and interfere with his goalie.
Those are a few of the reasons that this team is succeeding right now. Throw in the return of the Captain in the coming days and the secondary scoring may receive another boost. Still though, just how high can the Red Army climb? Three games remain in the season: Tonight's matchup against the rival Shockers, Sunday's tilt with the fourth place Strangers, and the season finale against their 2nd place counterpart Prestige Worldwide. In season's past, with that schedule, I'd be content with 3 points. Today, I feel greedy. Six points. Let's make the Stench sweat a little. Eh, Comrades
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Comeback Comrades Push Winning Streak to 7
The Red Army, for the seventh consecutive game, found a way to win last night. They were undermanned, without their starting goalie, and trailing for most of the game. They had no business in forcing overtime. They had no business in scoring in the extra session. They did both, and they got both points. With a thrilling 7-6 overtime victory over the number one seeded Cryptic Stench, Mother Russia improved her record to 7-2-1 on the season and has now clinched a winning record.
The scoring started in the first on a long offensive zone shift for the Comrades. After Mark Hendricks fired a wrist shot into the legs of one of the Stench players, momentarily stunning him, Hendricks retrieved the puck in the corner and found a streaking Ryan Odell backdoor. Odell, who scored four points on the night, made no mistake and deposited the puck five hole on Celenski.
"It was a great pass," Odell said of his first tally. "I love sneaking in backdoor. That's my bread and butter these days. Also, when I say backdoor I am not referring to anal sex, strictly in a hockey sense."
The 1-0 lead that the Comrades opened up would be short lived, and their only lead of the game until overtime. The Stench stormed back with back to back to back to back goals to end the period. All four goals, which may have been stoppable with any movement from the apathetic stand in goalie, allowed the Stench to open up a three goal lead going into the second period.
"I was just saying that the game is far from over," Hendrick said. "We were getting chances. We probably had the puck more of the period. We know Celenski is a good goalie, probably the best, and he is playing for the best team right now, so we had our work cut out for us. But we just had to keep skating and good things would happen."
The Red Army brought the game to within two early in the second when Ben Breiterman wristed one home through a screen. Celenski was upset afterward, claiming that Hendricks had impeded his path to challenge by entering his crease, but the referees, aghast by the fact that Hendricks had gone to the front of the net, allowed the goal to stand.
"I was so confused when I saw Mark go to the net," Breiterman said after the game, referring to his first goal. "Usually he hangs out back with the defense or around center somewhere, away from the play. But he was involved tonight. I'm glad my shot didn't hit him though, cause it probably would have fractured his body."
The Stench would again make the deficit three with a goal late in the second. With the score 5-2, the Soviets refused to stop their attacks though. Hendricks drew a penalty, and Mother Russia went on the powerplay. After allowing a shorthanded breakaway that was stopped, Breiterman corralled the loose puck and fired a pass to Odell, who began a two on one break the other way with Hendricks. They were unable to finish, but Odell regained the puck and fired a no angle shot on Celenski that trickled home between his leg and the post. It was 5-3 as the second period came to an end.
"We were breathing pretty heavy on the bench going into the third," Tony Horton said. Horton, who was actually prepared to suit up in goal was able to remain on offense when a goalie from another team said he would play the third period. "My job was to keep pushing the puck up and use my speed to generate chances. We all had to keep doing our jobs. If there is one thing my German heritage has taught me it is that a system is the best way to operate. Whether that is a hockey team's system, an IT system, or the systematic killing of an entire religion... they are effective. But we didn't talk just about systems on the bench, we knew they were getting tired too. We were out-shooting them and they were chasing us. We wanted to get one early."
They did.
Less than a minute into the third period Hendricks tallied his first of the game on a slick backhand that he tucked fivehole. He was able to go in alone on Celenski thanks to a persistent forecheck by the Soviets. Pat King created havoc for a defender along the boards. The defender sent an errant pass that was intercepted by Breiterman, and Breiterman sent a pass to Hendricks who had already begun streaking towards the goal. It was a true Labian effort... and it is probably fair to assume that Hoefer was the fourth man on the rink.
The next seven minutes was an all out assault by the Comrades. Pucks rang off iron, bodies flew around the crease of Celenski, and shots came in waves. But nothing went in. Midway through the period, Red Army called a time out. Their stand in goalie, needing rest for his later games, was replaced by a new, cold goalie. In those thirty seconds, the Red Army tried to warm up their new keeper. But it was to no avail. Less than a minute later, as play resumed, he was pierced on the first shot. With less than five minutes to play it was 6-4, and the Cyrptic Stench appeared to have finally put the nails in the coffin.
Resilience: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. (I'm an English major, I figured a definition might pump the readers up). Less than two minutes after the game seemed out of reach, Breiterman brought it back within reach when he fired another zero angle shot that dented the twine.
Two more scoreless minutes elapsed, and the final minute of the game began. Breiterman took the puck up through center and along the board to the right of Celenski. With the Stench players intent on sticking to their man, Breiterman had a one on one battle that his counterpart played terribly. Breiterman was able to fake a shot and go to his backhand, lifting a shot over the down and out Celenski, to tie the game at 6 with thirty seconds remaining.
"LAAAAAAAAAAAABIA!!!!" King yelled as he threw up his "L".
Hendricks had a chance to win the game on a semi breakaway in the final five seconds, but his shot missed top right by a few inches. He would not miss again. In the first minute of overtime, Hoefer chipped a pass out of the zone and in front of Hendricks. Celenski went to play the puck in the corner, but saw the charging Comrade. As Celenski scrambled back into his crease, Hendricks took the puck and drove to the net, stuffing it under the unprepared goaltender, and vaulting Mother Russia's Boys to arguably the most dramatic two points in franchise history. The celebration, certainly matched it, as there were more man hugs on the rink last night than in all seven seasons of Will and Grace.
"Look at that assist baby, that's all I gotta say." Hoefer said.
THREE STARS
3: Mark Hendricks
2: Ryan Odell
1: Ben Breiterman
The scoring started in the first on a long offensive zone shift for the Comrades. After Mark Hendricks fired a wrist shot into the legs of one of the Stench players, momentarily stunning him, Hendricks retrieved the puck in the corner and found a streaking Ryan Odell backdoor. Odell, who scored four points on the night, made no mistake and deposited the puck five hole on Celenski.
"It was a great pass," Odell said of his first tally. "I love sneaking in backdoor. That's my bread and butter these days. Also, when I say backdoor I am not referring to anal sex, strictly in a hockey sense."
The 1-0 lead that the Comrades opened up would be short lived, and their only lead of the game until overtime. The Stench stormed back with back to back to back to back goals to end the period. All four goals, which may have been stoppable with any movement from the apathetic stand in goalie, allowed the Stench to open up a three goal lead going into the second period.
"I was just saying that the game is far from over," Hendrick said. "We were getting chances. We probably had the puck more of the period. We know Celenski is a good goalie, probably the best, and he is playing for the best team right now, so we had our work cut out for us. But we just had to keep skating and good things would happen."
The Red Army brought the game to within two early in the second when Ben Breiterman wristed one home through a screen. Celenski was upset afterward, claiming that Hendricks had impeded his path to challenge by entering his crease, but the referees, aghast by the fact that Hendricks had gone to the front of the net, allowed the goal to stand.
"I was so confused when I saw Mark go to the net," Breiterman said after the game, referring to his first goal. "Usually he hangs out back with the defense or around center somewhere, away from the play. But he was involved tonight. I'm glad my shot didn't hit him though, cause it probably would have fractured his body."
The Stench would again make the deficit three with a goal late in the second. With the score 5-2, the Soviets refused to stop their attacks though. Hendricks drew a penalty, and Mother Russia went on the powerplay. After allowing a shorthanded breakaway that was stopped, Breiterman corralled the loose puck and fired a pass to Odell, who began a two on one break the other way with Hendricks. They were unable to finish, but Odell regained the puck and fired a no angle shot on Celenski that trickled home between his leg and the post. It was 5-3 as the second period came to an end.
"We were breathing pretty heavy on the bench going into the third," Tony Horton said. Horton, who was actually prepared to suit up in goal was able to remain on offense when a goalie from another team said he would play the third period. "My job was to keep pushing the puck up and use my speed to generate chances. We all had to keep doing our jobs. If there is one thing my German heritage has taught me it is that a system is the best way to operate. Whether that is a hockey team's system, an IT system, or the systematic killing of an entire religion... they are effective. But we didn't talk just about systems on the bench, we knew they were getting tired too. We were out-shooting them and they were chasing us. We wanted to get one early."
They did.
Less than a minute into the third period Hendricks tallied his first of the game on a slick backhand that he tucked fivehole. He was able to go in alone on Celenski thanks to a persistent forecheck by the Soviets. Pat King created havoc for a defender along the boards. The defender sent an errant pass that was intercepted by Breiterman, and Breiterman sent a pass to Hendricks who had already begun streaking towards the goal. It was a true Labian effort... and it is probably fair to assume that Hoefer was the fourth man on the rink.
The next seven minutes was an all out assault by the Comrades. Pucks rang off iron, bodies flew around the crease of Celenski, and shots came in waves. But nothing went in. Midway through the period, Red Army called a time out. Their stand in goalie, needing rest for his later games, was replaced by a new, cold goalie. In those thirty seconds, the Red Army tried to warm up their new keeper. But it was to no avail. Less than a minute later, as play resumed, he was pierced on the first shot. With less than five minutes to play it was 6-4, and the Cyrptic Stench appeared to have finally put the nails in the coffin.
Resilience: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. (I'm an English major, I figured a definition might pump the readers up). Less than two minutes after the game seemed out of reach, Breiterman brought it back within reach when he fired another zero angle shot that dented the twine.
Two more scoreless minutes elapsed, and the final minute of the game began. Breiterman took the puck up through center and along the board to the right of Celenski. With the Stench players intent on sticking to their man, Breiterman had a one on one battle that his counterpart played terribly. Breiterman was able to fake a shot and go to his backhand, lifting a shot over the down and out Celenski, to tie the game at 6 with thirty seconds remaining.
"LAAAAAAAAAAAABIA!!!!" King yelled as he threw up his "L".
Hendricks had a chance to win the game on a semi breakaway in the final five seconds, but his shot missed top right by a few inches. He would not miss again. In the first minute of overtime, Hoefer chipped a pass out of the zone and in front of Hendricks. Celenski went to play the puck in the corner, but saw the charging Comrade. As Celenski scrambled back into his crease, Hendricks took the puck and drove to the net, stuffing it under the unprepared goaltender, and vaulting Mother Russia's Boys to arguably the most dramatic two points in franchise history. The celebration, certainly matched it, as there were more man hugs on the rink last night than in all seven seasons of Will and Grace.
"Look at that assist baby, that's all I gotta say." Hoefer said.
THREE STARS
3: Mark Hendricks
2: Ryan Odell
1: Ben Breiterman
Monday, October 5, 2009
Hendricks Having Career Year
Through 9 games the sniper has amassed 21 goals and 17 assists for 38 points. Undoubtedly a result of the secondary scoring requiring more attention. If this team keeps clicking, Hendricks keeps scoring at a ridiculous rate, and the defense remains stoic... good things may be ahead.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Hurricane Season is Over: Red Army Scores Two Touchdowns
The Red Army increased their win streak to five games tonight in what was easily the most lopsided game of the season. Despite missing Captain Steve Hand (shoulder injury), Jerrod Funk (work), Andy Schram (Redskins game), and Scott Hoefer (wedding), the Soviets prevailed 14-0 in shutout fashion as Kraus stopped both shots he faced.
While there is not really a point in breaking down the goal scoring (though is should be noted that Donte netted at least five) I will highlight one play from each player:
Ryan Odell: After dishing the puck down low to Ben Breiterman, Odell crept into the high slot and took a return feed that he one-timed five hole. On the gorgeous scale, I give it a 9 out of 12 (everyone knows that the gorgeous scale is out of 12).
Ben Breiterman: His prettiest play is the only one of the bunch that doesn't end with a goal. Breiterman, while streaking down the right wing, faked a drop pass to Pat King. The defenseman, anticipating a loose puck, lunged for the puck... but it was not there. New Guy Ben had kicked the puck back to his stick, faking the drop pass, and tried to stuff it five hole on the unsuspecting goalie. The puck landed on the goal line but did not cross. Still, the old placebo drop pass is one that had many of us throwing up the "L"s just for its beauty.
Tony Horton: Horton skated the puck out through center and took it in on the right side during a two on one with Donte. Horton showed shot the whole way, before curling a ridiculous pass onto the tape of Donte, who promptly fired it home. It was the Big Rig's prettiest assist in his young career.
Pat King: After Mark Hendricks fanned embarrassingly on a one timer from the left slot, King snuck backdoor on the right. Hendricks corralled the puck and fired a seam pass that King caught and fired five hole. The elapsed time between the Hendricks misfire and the King tally was 2 seconds.
Mark Hendricks: After King won a faceoff in the offensive zone directly back to Odell, Hendricks backed away towards the left circle opening up for the one timer. Odell fed a soft pass over to #18, who fired a wicked hard one timer that nicked the crossbar before denting the twine. It was the hardest shot of Hendricks' illustrious career.
Matt Kraus: Glove save, second period. Yeah... the Comrades limited the Hurricanes from ever mounting any serious pressure. That being said, a shutout is still a shutout.
So that's that. Here are what some of Mother Russia's boys said afterward:
On the lack of competition tonight:
Odell: "I think it sucked. These were two completely different teams. They are clearly going through a rebuild and we are on the verge of something great perhaps. It was hard to get motivated, but I think we did what we had to do."
Breiterman: "I'm just glad I was able to take a huge dump as the Exxon before the game, if not, the Hurricanes wouldn't have been the only ones stinking up the rink."
King: "Throw your "L"s up!"
Horton: "Even Poland put up more of a struggle than the Hurricanes did tonight."
Hendricks: "Laaaaaaaaaaaabia... but no Scott tonight...it just isn't the same."
On Kraus returning and earning a shutout:
Hendricks: "He did what he had to. I think we had more goals than they had shots though."
King: "He was good. I think the time of possession was 44:30 to 0:30, in favor of us though."
Odell: "He was solid out there. Then again, I think we hit more posts than they got shots tonight."
Breiterman: "A shutout is always awesome. That being said I really felt like Christopher Reeve could have stopped everything sent his way tonight. And that's without the x-ray vision."
Horton: "He stopped everything tonight. Though I should mention that the amount of pucks fired his way is comparable to the amount of times fat kids doing belly flops off of high dives don't make it to Youtube.
On Tuesday's game versus Cryptic Stench:
King: "Bout fucking time baby! Time to get some serious action!"
Odell: "I'm going to love that game, I expect a high energy game!"
Horton: "I'm licking my chops at a crack at the top spot team!"
Hendricks: "Bring it on..."
Breiterman: "I have to attend a PTA meeting... just kidding, just kidding."
So that's it here from the Sportsplex. With the two points, the Red Army is now 6-2-1. With one more win they can clinch a winning record for the season. Also, with the exception of the Cryptic Stench, teams ahead of them have been losing. The Red Army now controls their own destiny for earning a bye in the first round of the playoffs. That is, if Mother Russia were to finish the season with five more victories, the lowest possible that they could finish would be fourth place. Two weeks ago that seemed far fetched... tonight that seems very possible.
Sleep well, Comrades.
THREE STARS:
3: Matt Kraus
2: Mark Hendricks
1: Donte
While there is not really a point in breaking down the goal scoring (though is should be noted that Donte netted at least five) I will highlight one play from each player:
Ryan Odell: After dishing the puck down low to Ben Breiterman, Odell crept into the high slot and took a return feed that he one-timed five hole. On the gorgeous scale, I give it a 9 out of 12 (everyone knows that the gorgeous scale is out of 12).
Ben Breiterman: His prettiest play is the only one of the bunch that doesn't end with a goal. Breiterman, while streaking down the right wing, faked a drop pass to Pat King. The defenseman, anticipating a loose puck, lunged for the puck... but it was not there. New Guy Ben had kicked the puck back to his stick, faking the drop pass, and tried to stuff it five hole on the unsuspecting goalie. The puck landed on the goal line but did not cross. Still, the old placebo drop pass is one that had many of us throwing up the "L"s just for its beauty.
Tony Horton: Horton skated the puck out through center and took it in on the right side during a two on one with Donte. Horton showed shot the whole way, before curling a ridiculous pass onto the tape of Donte, who promptly fired it home. It was the Big Rig's prettiest assist in his young career.
Pat King: After Mark Hendricks fanned embarrassingly on a one timer from the left slot, King snuck backdoor on the right. Hendricks corralled the puck and fired a seam pass that King caught and fired five hole. The elapsed time between the Hendricks misfire and the King tally was 2 seconds.
Mark Hendricks: After King won a faceoff in the offensive zone directly back to Odell, Hendricks backed away towards the left circle opening up for the one timer. Odell fed a soft pass over to #18, who fired a wicked hard one timer that nicked the crossbar before denting the twine. It was the hardest shot of Hendricks' illustrious career.
Matt Kraus: Glove save, second period. Yeah... the Comrades limited the Hurricanes from ever mounting any serious pressure. That being said, a shutout is still a shutout.
So that's that. Here are what some of Mother Russia's boys said afterward:
On the lack of competition tonight:
Odell: "I think it sucked. These were two completely different teams. They are clearly going through a rebuild and we are on the verge of something great perhaps. It was hard to get motivated, but I think we did what we had to do."
Breiterman: "I'm just glad I was able to take a huge dump as the Exxon before the game, if not, the Hurricanes wouldn't have been the only ones stinking up the rink."
King: "Throw your "L"s up!"
Horton: "Even Poland put up more of a struggle than the Hurricanes did tonight."
Hendricks: "Laaaaaaaaaaaabia... but no Scott tonight...it just isn't the same."
On Kraus returning and earning a shutout:
Hendricks: "He did what he had to. I think we had more goals than they had shots though."
King: "He was good. I think the time of possession was 44:30 to 0:30, in favor of us though."
Odell: "He was solid out there. Then again, I think we hit more posts than they got shots tonight."
Breiterman: "A shutout is always awesome. That being said I really felt like Christopher Reeve could have stopped everything sent his way tonight. And that's without the x-ray vision."
Horton: "He stopped everything tonight. Though I should mention that the amount of pucks fired his way is comparable to the amount of times fat kids doing belly flops off of high dives don't make it to Youtube.
On Tuesday's game versus Cryptic Stench:
King: "Bout fucking time baby! Time to get some serious action!"
Odell: "I'm going to love that game, I expect a high energy game!"
Horton: "I'm licking my chops at a crack at the top spot team!"
Hendricks: "Bring it on..."
Breiterman: "I have to attend a PTA meeting... just kidding, just kidding."
So that's it here from the Sportsplex. With the two points, the Red Army is now 6-2-1. With one more win they can clinch a winning record for the season. Also, with the exception of the Cryptic Stench, teams ahead of them have been losing. The Red Army now controls their own destiny for earning a bye in the first round of the playoffs. That is, if Mother Russia were to finish the season with five more victories, the lowest possible that they could finish would be fourth place. Two weeks ago that seemed far fetched... tonight that seems very possible.
Sleep well, Comrades.
THREE STARS:
3: Matt Kraus
2: Mark Hendricks
1: Donte
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