The Captain Speaks

I was able to sit down with the captain last week for a lunch in Old Town Alexandria. We discussed a lot, discussing topics ranging from off-season workout regimens to some of the pregame superstitions of teammates. Here is the transcript:

Red Army Digest: What was your goal as captain entering this season?

Steve Hand: My goal entering any season is always to win. Personal statistics are nice, but at the end of the day it's a team sport. If the team wins, then things are good.

RAD: Do you do anything before games that would be called superstitious? And do you continue to do them even while you watch from the pressbox?

SH: I'm not really superstitious, though there are a few guys on the team that are. Andy, he has 8 or 9 things he does before every game. First off he always take a pregame dump, quickly there followed by a pregame shower. But, when he showers before a game he refuses to use a towel so he air drys himself like a dog. Then after exiting the shower, which he takes in freezing cold water by the way, he puts on his lucky batman boxers which haven't been washed since the premier of the Dark Knight... which if you ask me totally nullifies the shower. Then he listens to the that song from the Sound of Music "I am 16 going on 17" four times in a row, which really pisses off Tony because he thinks the Von Trapps should rot in hell. Anyways, Andy starts preparing for games usually four hours before the game starts. We're lucky if he makes it by faceoff. Oh, and Pat is pretty crazy too. He tapes his stick a lot.

RAD: How frustrating is it to not be able to play as much this season?

SH: So frustrating. I had a pretty good start to the season too, six points in three games, before I hurt my shoulder. But I try to keep in good spirits and keep encouraging the guys.

RAD: Any chance that you could return for the playoffs?

SH: I'm seeing the doctor about my shoulder on Wednesday. If he clears me to play then I'll be out there. So as long as that goes well, and I don't get injured again before that, I'm in the clear. But me getting injured again? Ha, I don't think that will happen. I'm going to be careful.

RAD: Do you do anything special in the off-season to prepare for the rigors of a 14 game season? Anything to prevent injuries?

SH: I try to drink about three nights a week during the off-season... and regular season too. In the postseason that number might drop to two, or increase to five depending on what team we are playing. Other than that, I eat a lot of sandwiches and try to do ten or twenty push-ups a month, or at least in months that have 31 days.

RAD: When you signed your three year extension last season, you did so on the eve before entering free agency. Why have you remained so loyal to this squad? You weren't interested in receiving offer sheets from other teams?

SH: Last season we began winning. If we had suffered another 10 or 11 loss season, I might have held out a bit and seen what offers I received from other teams. But as the season progressed I saw the progress we were making. I decided to stick it out because I do think that this team could someday win a championship. Plus, management gave me the "C", I want to be the captain.

RAD: Since your big contract signing, some fans have been disappointed with you and your health. Does it ever get to you?

SH: I hear about it all the time. People will yell things at me in public like "Oh craptain, my craptain" or "get a flu shot you pansy" or "you're a douchebag", but I know that when I return to full health they'll come to love me again.

RAD: How exciting has it been to watch the team this year? Even if you aren't playing, you have to feel proud for the guys, right?

SH: Absolutely. We have a big game on Thursday. If we win we will have advanced further than any Red Army team in the franchise's history. Whether I'm skating or not, I'm going to be there and experience the magic.

RAD: Last question, what's your prediction for Thursday?

SH: Booze, bitches, and boners.

RAD: I don't understand....

SH: Victory, fool.

UPDATE
Captain Steve Hand injured his ankle this weekend when he drunkenly fell off of a curb, managing to lose all of his remaining street cred in the fall. He is out for the remainder of the season.