Ahhhhhhhhr... Shorthanded Red Army Team Beats Unamused Pirates for Third Straight Win

In the games prior to tonight's tilt, the Red Army had never had a problem dressing all eight skaters for a game. Work, school, and sleep schedules seemed to exist peaceably with the hockey schedule and the Comrades seldom skated without their full opening night roster. Then, tonight happened. Ben Breiterman, Ryan Odell, and Andy Schram all were out. Luckily for Mother Russia, the rest of the boys stepped up. Thanks to another game featuring timely scoring from players not named Hendricks, the Red Army commandeered the Unamused Pirates ship and set sail for victory land.

"We knew their record was misleading," Tony Horton said. "They were coming off a win over the Shockers and it looked like they had a full bench. We couldn't get cocky. We had to go out there, skate, and play physically against everyone not on their team."

The scoring started on a nice two on one between King and Steve Hand. The captain took a slick feed from King and fired it into the net. It is the fourth consecutive game that Hand has scored in.

"Well, at the time I knew Pat wasn't going to shoot because as we all know he couldn't score. He was more snake bitten than a crippled hiker out in Wyoming, I tell ya. He was having less luck than a frat guy at a gay parade, I tell ya. He was firing more blanks than a-"

Hand was reminded that King did actually score in the 3rd period, ending a goalless drought of 5 periods.

"You bite your tongue, reporter guy," Hand responded. "This interview is about me and my sterile line mate tonight."

The banal Pirates came back and tied the score at 1 a few moments later. It would be the closest they got.

Early in the second period, the Soviets began to click. Hendricks gave the Comrades a lead early on a nice give and go with Brad Lotocki. Hendricks first took a pass at center by reaching back with one hand on his stick and corralling it, then skated into the zone and fired a pass to Lotocki. As Hendricks cut to the net, he lunged his stick forward and tipped it past the goalie.

"They don't call me gibbons for nothing," Hendricks said, grabbing something that was out of reach for 99% of the population.

A few minutes later, Hendricks and Lotocki hooked up again. This time Lotocki called in the morning. Hendricks drew a crowd of defenders and passed the puck down low to Lotocki. Lotocki's stuff attempt was foiled but him and Horton jammed away at the puck and Lotocki was able to knock it in.

"Sometimes we just have to keep digging," Lotocki said.

Lotocki was asked if he had anything else to say. A... catchphrase that shares its name with an old team, to be more specific.

"No. I think I covered everything. Who were you referring to?" Lotocki asked. "Ill Tempered Sea Bass, Mozambweak? No, I don't have any catchphrases."

Horton found himself on the goal line again as the Red Army increased its lead to 4-1. Hendricks took the puck to the right of the net and fired a shot to the opposite post. The puck struck the post and lay on the goal line before Horton punched it home.

The offense continued to fire at will, and it produced one of the nicest goals of the year on the next shift. King dumped the puck behind the net to Hand. Hand posted up against the boards and saw Horton streaking to the middle. Hand backhanded a no look pass to the tape of Horton and Horton unleashed his patented wrist shot, which he appropriately has nicknamed the "Fourth Reich".

As good as Horton's tally was, it wasn't the play people were talking about after the game. A scary moment ensued a few moments later, as Horton collided with King when the two got their signals crossed in the offensive zone. Video of the collision is available here. King was able to get up under his own power, though it is believed that Ovechkin could face a suspension for the play.

Hand tallied his second of the game and the period ended with the Soviets in control 6-1. Early in the third, King finally got one. After a shot from Hendricks was kicked wide, King slid the puck across the goal line from almost zero angle. Though details are still sketchy, it is reported that a portion of hell, the seventh circle, froze over. Excuse me, I'm sorry, that portion of hell was actually Sterling and that freezing over was a slight sleet fall.

"It definitely feels good to get one again," King said, wiping the shaving cream off his face from the pie he gave himself. "It felt like those five periods were an eternity. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop ovulating."

Menstruation jokes aside, King did rack up plenty of points tonight, but he still trails Horton and Hand by one in the goal scoring department. His mantra for regaining the upper hand on his friendly rivals?

"Always order top shelf."

Hendricks would tack on his second or third of the game (depending on how they credit the second period goal line Lupe Fiasco) on a wrist shot that bounced off the goalie, went straight up in the air, and dropped Disney movie style to cross the goal line at 3 centimeters an hour. The Soviets would yield two late goals, but buckled down to coast to a five goal victory. The captain had several chances for the hat trick on a power play in the final minute of the game, but it was to no avail; hats remained on heads.

That's it for now. The Soviets canceled practice tomorrow but their next-

"Bear Calvary!" Lotocki yelled, running down the hallway and throwing a shaving cream pie into his face.

...Their next game is Thursday versus the Cryptic Stench. King and Breiterman are out, so Mother Russia's Boys may need another Mockba miracle. Still, it doesn't seem to phase one Soviet. "I love winning, so I'm going to do keep doing that," Hoefer said, kicking people as he left the arena.

THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Tony Horton
1: Steve Hand