Red Army Earns Another Two Points With Some Smash-Mouth Hockey

The Red Army and Cryptic Stench have a long history of close games and hard fought contests. Throughout the years, these two teams have seen each other quite often in the playoffs and have established a healthy rivalry. Well, that rivalry turned bitter tonight. In a game that featured the asshole play of the century, Mother Russia febreezed the Stench 6-4 in front of a sold out Jenny.

The Stench struck first early in the game on their first shot. A low slapper beat Andy Schram five-hole and put the Comrades behind early.

"I always give up the first shot of the game," Schram said as he loaded his gear into four different hockey bags. "After that I buckle down, but that first one is always on the house."

A few minutes later the Soviets stormed back when they were awarded a power play. After Mark Hendricks missed a wide open one timer, the puck came back around to him and he threaded a pass down low to Steve Hand who redirected the puck top shelf.

"It was definitely a pretty play," the captain said. "Ryan, Mark, and Scott were doing a great job moving the puck around so I just had to jostle for positioning in front. When Mark through the pass over I got my stick down and ramped it up." Hand then paused as he glanced at his phone which had beeped. "Well you'll have to excuse me gentlemen, my girlfriend is in my room and I think she found my porn. Time to score for the second time, nawwwww mean?!?"

The Red Army continued their offense on the very next shift. Brad Lotocki fired a pass to Hendricks and Hendricks avenged his earlier miss by one timing this one top shelf where grandma keeps her Bengay. Hendricks would add two more before the period was done, one on a slap shot from the point and one on a dipsy doo, did he just do what I think he just did, top shelf where Uncle Cletus keeps his ammo, shot. The Stench pierced Schram one more time at the buzzer of the first period to bring the game to within two.

"I also give up the last shot of the first period," Schram said, loading his bags into an 18 wheeler.

The second period was played at a slower pace than the first, as both teams settled in. The back and forth action that existed 15 minutes prior had been replaced by a more methodical technical style.

"Both teams clamped down a bit," Ryan Odell said. "We knew we had to be smart."

When asked about the two monster checks, both of which were clean, he delivered in the first, Odell provided this gem: "Some shooters can put the puck top shelf where Leroy stashes his condoms, I put the forwards out to pasture where mommy told Jimmy his dog went."

After the Stench scored to make the score 4-3, Odell proved he had an offensive punch as well, finishing off a beautiful give and go with Hendricks. The bulge was again two. Then things got dirty.

A forward for the Stench took the puck along the boards near the benches and raced into the offensive zone with less than thirty seconds to play in the period. Hendricks took the angle and met him, cutting him off. Sensing that he had no where to go, the Stench skater tried to trail blaze, and threw an elbow into Hendricks, knocking the two of them down. The referees, spotting the obvious infraction, raised their arms to signal a penalty. They were about to be shown a real penalty. The Stench player stood up over Hendricks, raised his stick like a baseball bat, and swung, hitting Hendricks square on the cage of his helmet. Chaos ensued. Tony Horton jumped in and provided a German beat down. After that settled down, another Stench player jumped Lotocki from behind. Lotocki, a man who had just conquered mountains and wrestled bears, showed his distaste for the coward and did the rope-a-dope with him. The referees blew their whistles, the players kept scrapping, and somewhere off in the distance a dog barked.

When it was all over, and the final seconds had ticked off the clock, there were some penalties to be doled out. Lotocki and his counterpart were given five minutes for fighting and game ejections. The original culprit was given two minutes for elbowing, 5 minutes for slashing, a game misconduct, and a suspension from the league.

"I couldn't believe he did that," Hendricks said afterward. "That was probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen a player do. That guy is an idiot. If I wasn't wearing a cage I'd be in a hospital right now, or a horror film. Absolutely moronic on his part." Hendricks' voice cracked several times during that rant. His teammate Lotocki echoed his sentiments.

"That kind of (stuff) doesn't belong in the league. I don't know what was going through his head, but that... that is just (really) ridiculous. The Bear Calvary would never act like this."

Tony Horton also had some choice words.

"If he's going to mess with anyone he's going to mess with me. Funny how he isn't so brave when the Fourth Reich rolls up. Man, I'll kristallnacht him on his ass."

The game continued and it didn't take long for Hendricks and company to cash in.

While with the two man advantage, Hendricks fed a pass through a defender's skates to Scott Hoefer, who rifled one past the goalie. It was Hoefer's fourth game played.

"Hell yeah man, now let's go cram the convo and beat the patriots! I mean, wait...." Hoefer paused then smiled, "I like winning."

The Stench would tack one more on late in the game, but the damage was done. The scored ended 6-4. Though the Stench threw elbows, sticks, and punches in the direction of the Soviets, the only thing that landed was them, on their collective asses.

Keep on rockin', Comrades. 5-1-1.

THREE STARS:
3: Scott Hoefer
2: Brad Lotocki
1: Mark Hendricks's and his still in tact face