Most of the Red Army players factored into the scoring last night as Mother Russia skated to a convincing 9-1 victory over their hated rival the Shockers. It was a game that was dominated wire to wire by the Comrades and by the midway mark of the game the contest was already decided. Despite Captain Douchebag Stevan Loges best efforts, his attempts to mount any sort of comeback were more ineffectual than his attempts to mount his boyfriend Derek after two strawberry daiquiris.
The scoring was started by Scott Hoefer, who just a few minutes into the game took a pass from Mark Hendricks and fired a hard wrist shot that beat the goalie five hole. With his third goal on the campaign, Hoefer has now eclipsed his goal total of all of last season.
"The goalie was slow going down so there was some space there," Scott Hoefer said. Still, the highlight of Hoefer's game was his string of three consecutive shot blocks while shorthanded in the opening frame. "He just kept firing the puck, it would hit my skates or shinguards and go back to him, and he would do it again. It probably happened about three or four times in about five seconds. I felt like I was playing pong on Atari out there."
The only reason Hoefer's goal was not a game winning goal (and that backup goaltender Chris Celenski didn't record a shutout) was the Shockers responded the next shift with a goal of their own. It was their only strike of the game. Womp womp waaaaaaah....
The eventual game winning goal was scored about fifteen seconds later, with twelve minutes remaining in the first period. Brad Lotocki, continuing his solid play of late, finished off an odd man rush by potting another one five hole.
"Five hole all day baby! Bear Calalry rawwwwr!" Lotocki then started a fire by rubbing two Allen wrenches together and headed into the parking lot equipped with a hand carved spear in search for a meal.
Ben Breiterman ended his goalless drought (anyone could have ended a goalless drought tonight... wait) by scoring his first of the season on a snap shot that beat the goalie far side. Later, on the same shift, Tony Horton jammed home a rebound on the doorstep after Hendricks was denied.
"I just get in there and do my thing," Horton told reporters after the game. "They were hacking and whacking at me all night, but if you are going to take this big rig down, you're going to need FDR at the helm."
The period ended 4-1, and the mantra on the bench was don't give up.
"We talked about how no lead is safe in this league, so we just wanted to keep bringing it to them," Ryan Odell said. "I just didn't expect it to be that easy."
Odell entered the period as the only Soviet yet to score a goal this season. He quickly ended that. After receiving a backdoor feed from Hendricks, Odell tipped it home. Just like that, on the fifth game of the season, every single Soviet skater had scored a goal. The way things were going in though it would be almost impossible for anyone not to score.
Hendricks scored a pair for himself in the period, both goals coming a combined 11 inches from the goal line. One on a backhand where he tripped over the goalie and one short side at zero angle where he almost was accidentally defended by Horton.
"I always love scoring," Hendricks said, "but when it's against these guys, it just feels so much better. We all know my feelings about this team and how some of them are dirty bastards that are worse than cancer AIDS, but at the end of the day, Loges can hook and hold and try to cheapshot all he wants, it seems like he always ends up on the losing side. I mean, in a rivalry aren't both teams supposed to win games? Boom!"
Steve Hand increased his goal scoring streak to two games after tapping a slap pass from Odell home. But that wasn't what had reporters talking about the captain after the game. Late in the third, with the score 8-1, a puck was fired into the Soviet zone at about shoulder height. Hand batted the puck out of the air, deflecting it straight up in front of him, and then batted it a second time sending the puck back into the Shocker end.
"I used to play baseball," Hand said after the game, pausing to spit some of his chewing tobacco. "Bud Selig asked me to help out the Mets this season, but I said 'listen here Buddy, I got one team and one team only, the Red Army. So you can take that no salary cap mumbo jumbo and stick a syringe up your ass cause there's no way in hell I'm missing a ten o'clock Tuesday night game with my Comrades.' Well, actually I didn't talk to him, per se, but I did email him. He never actually asked me to play, or contacted me in any way, I initiated the exchange, but you get my drift. Red Army is more important to me than the Mets."
"Fuck you, guy," Hoefer said, as he kicked Steve.
Ben Breiterman would tack on his second goal of the game late in regulation to make the score 9-1. "Hookers are on me tonight, boys!" Breiterman said as he called his favorite sex line 1-800-GRANDMA.
For the first time in a while, the Red Army blew a team out. It was a game where 7/8 of the skaters scored for the Red Army. A game where 87.5% of skaters potted at least a point for the Comrades. A game where Breiterman, Hand, Hendricks, Hoefer, Horton, Lotocki, and Odell all had their names appear on the scoresheet. A game that years from now will be referred to as the night that almost everyone was awesome. Yes folks, it was a night to remember.
THREE STARS:
3: Not Pat
2: Not Pat
1: Not Pat
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