Tuesday Power Rankings: Week 5

Unfortunately, for the first half of this season, our state-of-the-art computer system that generates incredibly accurate power rankings was down. But now, thanks to a team of rocket scientists who logged several hundreds of hours this past weekend (yes, this weekend was longer than usual) the system is up and running again. So, we pick up this season's power rankings in week 5, with the upstart Team Hock(aloog)ey sitting atop the list.

1. Team Hock(aloog)ey (5-0-1): Who are these guys? Not much is known about this group other than the fact that they are 5-0-1 and apparently do not like getting scored on (21 goals against). Their lone blemish on the season (a tie to Charleston Chew) came in just their second game, and since then, they are riding a division best four game winning streak which includes impressive wins over Prestige Worldwide, the Puck Ewes, and the Shockers.
2. Black Presidents (4-2-0): Yes, there are teams that sit above them in the standings, but while those teams got fat on wins over Stuffed Chrus and Daggermouth 3.0, the Black Presidents earned wins over the Red Army, Prestige Worldwide, and the Shockers. Oh, and they also beat Stuffed Chrus too, but that was only because everyone else was doing it.
3. Puck Ewes (5-1-0): Their only loss thus far this season came against Team Hock(aloog)ey. Other than that, they've looked pretty dominant against the bottom three teams and Cryptic Stench. Not bad for San Jose the Puck Ewes.
4. Strangers (4-2-0): The Strangers may have had the hardest schedule so far this season. With games against Team Hock(aloog)ey, the Black Presidents, the Red Army, and Cryptic Stench, they are certainly battle tested. The question for them is will they be able to sneak into the top four or will they miss out on the highly coveted first round bye?
5. Red Army (4-1-1): If the Soviets were able to hold on to leads late in games, they would be a perfect 6-0. Unfortunately for them, they do not possess that talent. Both losses on the Russian ledger this season came after late collapses. The positive? They are tied with Team Hock(aloog)ey for best goals against. Are we the only ones that can't wait for that match-up? December 30, in case you were wondering.
6. Cryptic Stench (4-2-1): A respectable record, lots of close games, and a penchant for physical play. Yes, this is the Cryptic Stench. Always tough to play against; always missing that one game changing player.
7. Shockers (3-3-0): Ignore the forfeit loss to the Puck Ewes and the blowout losses to Team Hock(aloog)ey and the Black Presidents and the Shockers are a perfect 3-0. Oh wait, you can't do that? Well, they're still the defending champs, so you have to respect them. But with all of the roster turnover that happened across the league this season, the title "defending champs" doesn't pack as much punch.
8. Prestige Worldwide (2-3-1): Like the Shockers, they too are reeling from losing most of their team to Gold Division. The core group of players remains (sans Mike D'Ignazio) and they've added a few new guys, but you just get that feeling that PW's season was last season. And they blew it.
9. Daggermouth 3.0 (2-4-0): They play teams close, but they lose more than they win. If their skilled players show up they can do damage, but as Yogi Berra said, "90% of success is showing up".
10. Charleston Chew (1-5-1): This team is a bit of an enigma. They tie Team Hock(aloog)ey, lose tight games to the Stench and PW, but then get thrashed by the Soviets. They still have seven games to turn some heads, so we won't write them off yet.
11. Ron Mexico (1-5-0): Their lone victory on the season was by forfeit, and it was over Stuffed Chrus. No comedic hyperbole needed.
12. Stuffed Chrus (0-6-0): Terrible. Just terrible.
    

Recap: Soviets Rout Charleston Chew, Improve to 4-1-1

Yesterday's game was a game that the Soviets were supposed to win, and supposed to win big. Thanks to a healthy dose of offense and a puck possession clinic, the Motherland got her two points in relatively easy fashion, and more importantly, kept pace with the upper echelon of teams already distancing themselves from the pack as we approach the midway mark of the season. A few notes on yesterday's 11-2 victory:

• Whatever semi-slump Mark Hendricks was in, it ended yesterday. In the first period alone, the winger netted three goals and two assists. He tacked on a goal in each of the final two frames as well to finish with seven points on the night. Our favorite of his goals? The one timer. Though we are admittedly biased when it comes to one timers.
• The defense as a unit played great together. With only three bodies back on the blue line, Drew Kelly, Ryan Odell, and Tony Horton did a fantastic job of keeping shifts short and picking their spots when joining the offensive rush. Kelly and Odell combined for three goals while Horton may have had the assist of the night on a slick drop pass to Hendricks.
• The "secondary" scorers got involved in the party as well, with Pat King and Steve Hand each netting a goal. Hand's marker was the result of going to the net and slamming home a loose puck and King's tally was him out-muscling the defenders in a goal mouth scramble and finding the puck before jamming it home. Yes, both these players have shown they can do more than crash the crease, but as the season progresses and goals come at a premium, these are the types of goals that more often than not make the difference. Nothing wrong with developing good habits early.
• Pete Collis continued his streak of not missing a game solid play. Arguably the fastest skater on the team, Collis is able to be a force in both ends of the rink, and he was that and more yesterday. Chalk up another goal, a few helpers, and a gaudy +/- rating for #7 and baby, you got a stew going.
• The Red Army, at 4-1-1, has nine points and is in a tie for 3rd place with Cryptic Stench (though the Soviets have a game-in-hand). But, did you know that they are tied with Team Hock(aloog)ey for a division-best goals against ledger? Through six games, the Soviets have allowed only 21 goals, which equates to a 3.50 GAA. You learn something new everyday, folks.

That's it for now. The Comrades lace them up Thursday night at 8:00 pm vs the Puck Ewes to close out the first half of the season. There is a lot on the line in that game, as the winner would leapfrog the team in front of them in the standings. The Soviets better focus on Thursday's match up rather than looking ahead towards next Sunday's Prestigious affair.

Despite Depleted Lineup, Soviets Beat Stench; Improve to 2-0

For the second time in as many games, the Red Army was forced to put together a lineup that consisted of several non-Soviet players, and, for the second time in as many games, the Red Army was victorious. Mark Jacyna, Kevin Ahearn, and Josh Kelly of the DSPIHBL's Cosby Sweaters laced up the skates for Mother Russia and helped the team improve its record to 2-0 to take an early lead atop the division standings.

"I got a message from [Tony Horton] saying that the Red Army needed players again, so I volunteered my services," Ahearn said. "It's fun playing with these guys. They're good skaters and good passers, so there is a lot of chemistry."

Added Jacyna, "Sexual chemistry as well."

The scoring was started early in the first period when Ryan Odell, playing his first game of the season, fired a hard wrist shot top shelf where Ron Jeremy keeps the flavored lube.

"I had talked with [Mark Hendricks] earlier in the day about my shot and my struggles lately," Odell said. "He had told me I was too slap happy and needed to utilize my wrist and snap shots more. At first I disagreed, mostly because he used the term 'slap happy', but then I realized that maybe, just maybe, I was too slap happy. It's true what they say, the first step is acceptance."

The lead was relinquished later in the frame when a Cryptic Stench shot found its way through a mass of bodies in front. For Sean Hanley and the team, it was the first goal given up on the season.

"We knew we weren't going to get a shutout every game," Hanley said. "Or at least I knew. I'm not sure they knew, because they looked very angry at me from the bench, and I'm pretty sure somebody drank all of my water. Just because I got a shutout the first game doesn't mean it's going to happen every game!"

Hendricks gave the Comrades the lead back in the dying minutes of the first period when he one timed a shot that handcuffed the goalie. The play was set up by Ahearn, who circled around the net and found Hendricks cutting in down toward the face off circle to the right of the goal.

"It was a great pass," Hendricks said. "It was in real tight quarters, and I didn't know if I was even going to be able to get it off, and I think that's what gave the goalie problems in stopping it. For the record, someone must tell Pat King that I already have one one-timer goal this season."

The Stench would rally again though, and tie the game in the middle stanza on a counter attack that caught many Soviets pinching.

"They caught us on a failed rush attempt and made us pay," said Drew Kelly, who was also playing his first game of the season. "If we can eliminate those then we'll be good, and I think we eliminated them as the game went on."

Added fellow defender Kelly, Josh, "Sure, sometimes we're going to get beat, but the truth of the matter is that when you have two guys with the last name Kelly on a team and they both play defense, well, you're going to win a lot of games."

Moments after giving up a goal on the rush, the Soviets cashed in on a rush of their own. Steve Hand won a faceoff in the defensive zone and the puck was thrown around the boards to Ahearn. Ahearn caught the puck and raced down the wing past the last defender and in on a partial breakaway where he was able to fire a shot top right in the corner typically reserved for postage stamps.

"A won faceoff, a secondary assist, and a plus minus rating of plus one all on a shift that started in the defensive zone," Hand said. "That's why I wear the 'C'".

Hendricks would push the lead to two goals a few minutes later when he intercepted an attempted outlet pass and potted his second of the game five-hole on a breakaway. After that, the Soviets buckled down again and made the Stench work hard for their chances.

"We really played sound defensively tonight," Odell, who finished with a team high 11 shot blocks, said. "It's something we've got to establish early, and even though it's just one game, it's very encouraging that it's occurring early in the season."

The Stench would close the gap to one late in the third, but that would be as close as they would get. The Soviets killed off the final few minutes and Hanley steered away the final few shots and in the blink of an eye, the Red Army was off to a 2-0 start.

"Still plenty of hockey left to be played and plenty of guys that need to get back into the grind of things, but I'm very happy with the team's efforts so far," Hendricks said. "Sunday should be a real test for us, and I'm looking forward to it."

THREE STARS:
#3: Kevin Ahearn (1 goal, 1 assist)
#2: Mark Hendricks (2 goals)
#1: Ryan Odell (1 goal, 11 blocked shots)

Hanley Shines in Soviet Debut; Shuts Out Daggermouth 2.0

The biggest talk surrounding the Red Army this offseason was their acquisition of once-rival goaltender Sean Hanley. The Soviets, having moved Jamie Simek back to defense to make up for the losses of Ben Breiterman and Scott Hoefer, were left with a question mark in net. If Sunday's season opener was any indication, Hanley may very well be the answer. Backed by a stellar performance in net, the Red Army skated to a 3-0 victory over Daggermouth 2.0.

"Not sure what you can say about having a guy like Sean back there," Mark Hendricks said. "He gives the guys confidence. He was making saves that I just couldn't believe. I got the feeling early in the third period when they hit the crossbar that it was just his day. They could have taken 100 shots, I don't think one would have gone in."

Hendricks opened the scoring around the midway mark of the first when he intercepted a pass in the Daggermouth zone and skated in alone on Chris Celenski. The forward faked to the forehand and then tucked home a nifty backhander that beat Celenski five-hole. The score would remain that way for the end of the period, thanks mostly in part to both teams focusing on defense.

"We didn't have a lot of guys," Tony Horton said, alluding to the six skaters that laced them up for Mother Russia. "Only three of our skaters were actual Red Army roster players, two others were guys from my team (the Cosby Sweaters of DSPBL), and we called up Will Sutherland from the Trailside Tigers to give us three offense and three defense. It worked out well, and I think the other three guys really helped us out."

The Red Army was able to take a 2-0 lead early in the second period when Hendricks and Pat King connected on an early goal-of-the-year candidate. Hendricks, skating into the corner to retrieve a puck in the offensive zone, fashioned a quick turnaround slap pass between two defenders and onto the tape of King's stick. King caught the pass and snapped home a high shot top shelf where the entire cast of "Little People, Big World" cannot reach.

"We had practiced that play a lot in recent weeks," King said of his goal. "I wasn't sure if [Hendricks] saw me, but I was calling for it. He just spun and threw it towards me and it was a perfect pass. I don't think Celenski expected it because by the time I got my shot off there was no chance for him."

With a two goal lead, the Red Army buckled down defensively and kept the majority of their opponent's shots to the perimeter. When shots came from in tight or on odd man rushes, Hanley was there.

"It was my first game with a new team, so I wanted to make an impression," Hanley said. "Obviously it's going to be a tough season playing for two teams, but on the bright side, I will always be in possession of the Soviet Tuxedo."

The Soviets tacked on the final nail in the coffin late in the third period when a King centering pass deflected off a Daggermouth defender and into the net. Hanley would steer away the final few shots that were directed his way and the Red Army kicked off the new season in winning style.

"It's just one game, but it was important," Sutherland said. "Wait, do I really get an interview? Are you going to print that?"

THREE STARS:
#3: Mark Hendricks (1 goal, 1 assist, 1 blocked shot)
#2: Pat King (2 goals)
#1: Sean Hanley (27 saves)

The story must be told

We promise a recap of the Red Army's playoff loss as well as season within the next 24 hours. We apologize for the delay.

-Red Army Digest Staff

Red Army short circuits the Shockers; can lock up 7th seed on Sunday

There is no excessive hyperbole needed to inflate drama into the already heated Shocker/Red Army rivalry. Fans are aware of the underlying tension that exists, the league markets the match up more aggressively than Vevo does to any video on Youtube, and players put foil on the fingers. Still, something that gets lost in the "Will there be a fight tonight?" fog that clouds the preview to any Soviets/Shocker game, is the fact that these teams know each other very well. In fact, in this current championship run the Red Army is enjoying, no team has had more cracks at dethroning the Soviets than the Shockers, who have played them four times (5-0 leads are the worst leads in roller hockey). The point I am trying to make here is this: knowledge is power, and the Soviets demonstrated that they are the kings tsars of playing a strategy that is specific to an opponent. On Sunday night, the game plan was to play with an edge, and in doing so, push their opponent over it.

Here are ten notes about the Red Army's 8-5 victory over the Shockers:

• Had the Shockers not shown that they are more than capable to play with only four skaters and a goalie earlier this summer, this win could have been chalked up to simply having more subs. But, that is not the case, and when Louis Wesley and Stefen Loges are two of those four skates and the goalie is Chris Celenski, you have to play well to win. So, just thought I'd clear that up.
• Speaking of the two guns the Shockers had, they combined for six points (three goals and three assists). Mark Hendricks had himself a three goal, three assist night himself.
• And holy secondary scoring did #18 get help on the offensive front last night. Pat King and Ryan Odell chipped in with four point outbursts themselves and Drew Kelley netted a pair of goals. Now, if only that could be something that happened every game...
• His effort won't show up in the score sheet, but the Captain played like a captain tonight. Steve Hand went to the crease, made Celenski very uncomfortable, and was a force that the Shockers simply could not handle. How about some play making skills he's been showing lately too? Eh, how about 'em?
• Tony Horton played defense for the 4th consecutive game, and for the 4th consecutive game, there were very few complaints. Not sure what this guy has changed from earlier in the season, but the hockey he is playing these days is the most well rounded, intelligent, and crisp of his career. Yes, I used the adjective crisp...like an autumn morning or a saucer pass.
  
• Jimma Jam stood his ground in the net, making several key saves when the Soviet skaters stopped skating. He continues to evolve and look more comfortable in net, and apparently is good for two or three jaw dropping saves a game.
• The Soviets can wrap up the 7th seed on Sunday in the season finale versus the Beer Guts. If they win, they will play the 2nd seed, which right now, is a three way tie between the Puck Ewes, the Shockers, and Stuffed Chrus.
• Ben Breiterman was a healthy scratch for the game because his birthday was the night before and his whereabouts at the time of face off were unknown, though police authorities are claiming they have an idea, and "it ain't pretty".
• Scott Hoefer was also a healthy scratch as was Pete Collis. The two of them had other things to do besides win.
• Louis Wesley was furious after the game, and added two angry eyebrows to the already menacing face that is tattooed on his back.

THREE STARS:
3: Steve Hand
2: Pat King
1: Drew Kelley

Power Rankings Week 7

Not much changed at the top in this week's power rankings, but there was some movement as teams try to climb out of the cellar. The Cryptic Stench seem to be slipping from their position in the middle of the pack while we may be seeing the rise of Communism. Here's week 7's edition of the power rankings:

1. Prestige Worldwide: 10-0 (2-0 this week). What more can you say about the best dressed team in the division? They had a convincing win over their arch rivals the Red Army on Thursday, then followed it up with a win by forfeit over the Cryptic Stench last night. They aren't blowing teams out, but they're winning... every single game. That's why they remain at the top.
2. Stuffed Chrus: 7-2-1 (1-0 this week). Stuffed Chrus has a ruff rough road ahead of them to close out the regular season. They are fortunate to be playing games mostly on Sundays (Mike Zyuzin is no longer available for Tuesday or Thursday night games) but they will see the likes of the Black Presidents, Puck Ewes, and Prestige Worldwide in their final three games. If they want that two seed, they're going to have to earn it.
3. Shockers: 7-3-1 (2-0 this week). The Shockers have proven that they have as much offensive firepower as anyone this season. They are breathing down the necks of Stuffed Chrus for the 2nd seed, and with a relatively easy schedule remaining (Red Army, Cryptic Stench, and Daggermouth 2.0) they could very well continue their ascent.
4. Black Presidents: 5-5 (0-1 this week). The Black Presidents are the "recipients" of the fourth spot mostly because they had the least abysmal week of the three teams in the middle of the pack. Their only game of the week was a close loss to the Shockers. With four games remaining, they could finish anywhere from 2nd place to 7th place.
5. Puck Ewes: 6-4 (0-1 this week). The Puck Ewes suffered a debilitating loss at the hands of the Soviets last night and wasted a golden opportunity to put some space between them and the Stench and Black Presidents. Isn't it a bit early for the team to begin it's seasonal demise?
6. Cryptic Stench: 6-5 (0-2 this week). Though the score of 10-8 may seem like they played Stuffed Chrus close, the Stench scored three goals in the final 90 seconds of the game after things were all but wrapped up. They followed up that game with a forfeit to Prestige Worldwide. They have three games remaining, but all three are against teams higher than them in the standings. If they lose out and the team below them wins out, well, it's no secret how much better the 6th seed is than the 7th seed when you see who occupies seeds 1 and 2.
7. Red Army: 3-7-1 (1-1 this week). After losing to their rivals Prestige Worldwide, the Soviets rebounded for an impressive 4-1 victory over the Puck Ewes this week. It looks like they are starting to rediscover their game, which is bad news for other teams. They'll get a good test tomorrow night when they face the Black Presidents. If they win that game, then the kids will be right: there's a monster in the basement.
8. Beer Guts: 2-8-1 (1-1 this week). The Beer Guts continue to do what they've done all season: beat Daggermouth 2.0 and lose to everyone else.
9. Daggermouth 2.0: 0-9-1 (0-1 this week). Daggermouth 2.0 continues to do what they've done all season: lose to everyone.
   

Soviets show shades of past in impressive win over Puck Ewes

It finally happened: in the eleventh game of the regular season, the Red Army played a complete 45 minutes of hockey against a difficult opponent and came out victorious. They took the lead just 42 seconds into the game and never looked back. They owned the puck, out skated and out worked the Puck Ewes, and showed that, at least for one night, they can hang with the big boys.

"Confidence is key," Mark Hendricks said following the win. "This was a confidence builder for us. We have played so many close games this season but always seem to lose. This game was close until late in the third and then we pulled away. At this point I don't care if we win by one goal or ten, it feels good to win. I want to see us continue to play like tonight, because if we do, I'm not sure there's a team that can beat us."

Hendricks helped to get the scoring started early in the game when he fed Ryan Odell a pass in the slot and the defender fired a low snap shot just inside the post. The goal, which on the score sheet was credited as #14 from #18, was scored at 14:18.

"We planned it that way," Odell joked after the game. "It was a good play, and that whole first shift we were doing a great job of talking to each other. [Pat King] went to the front of the net and [Scott Hoefer] did a great job in the corners. By the time I got the puck, I think all four of us had touched the puck within the last five or six seconds."

A few minutes later the Comrades would strike again, this time while on the power play. Tony Horton, playing his second consecutive game on defense, activated from the point and took a slick feed from Pete Collis. Horton fired a shot that somehow found the top corner of the net, and the forward-turned-defender had his second goal in as many games.

"I knew I didn't have a good angle, but I thought I saw some daylight upstairs," Horton said. "I just got the shot off quick, and as I was skating behind the net I saw it was lying behind the goalie. The best part was that there was no holding call on the play to nullify the score."

The Soviets were able to take a 2-0 lead into the first intermission thanks to stellar goaltending by recently called up backup goalie Chris Celenski. Celenski was an emergency call up after Jamie Simek was a late scratch due to a football emergency in Seattle.

Though the second period saw opportunities for both teams, neither was able to capitalize. A great penalty kill to end the middle frame by the Comrades maintained their two goal bulge entering the third.

"We just made sure we were always having our sticks in passing lanes and making smart clears," Ben Breiterman said. "Plus I tried a nice little move on the breakaway while I was shorthanded, but I ended up just bowling over the goalie. All part of the plan."

About midway through the third period, the Soviets finally got the insurance marker they were looking for. Hoefer took a pass from Hendricks and fired a wrist shot that beat the goalie five hole. The shot was clocked at 17 miles per hour.

"I'm not even sure the puck hit the back of the net," Hoefer said to reporters after the game. "I didn't get all of it, but [King] was setting the screen and I don't think the goalie even knew the puck has been fired. I mean, I think it took about eight or nine seconds for the puck to reach the goal, so he had plenty of time to react, but like I said, it was a great screen."

With the score 3-0, the Puck Ewes tried to mount offense as time wound down, but with a short bench and a stingy defense, they played into a Soviet trap that was bent on creating chances on the counter attack. After Hendricks broke up a Puck Ewe rush with a well timed poke check, the forward raced down the wing and dished a saucer pass to Horton. Horton, who just can't seem to miss these days, fired a shot that was faster than the lateral movements of the goaltender, and in the blink of an eye the lead became an insurmountable four goals.

"That Horton is so hot right now," Captain Steve Hand said, before folding his piano key necktie.

In the final minute, Celenski's bid for a shutout was ruined after a wrap around beat him moving post to post. Celenski was unavailable for comment, but he was heard muttering something to himself as he skated towards the locker room of another team which he inevitably plays for.

For now, the Comrades improve their record to 3-7-1 and look to establish their first winning streak of the season on Tuesday night against the Black Presidents. With their position as the 7th seed all but solidified, the Comrades are playing mostly for pride at this point. Pride breeds confidence, and that's something every other team in the division would like them to be devoid of come playoff time.

THREE STARS:
3: Mark Hendricks (3 assists)
2: Scott Hoefer (1 goal, 1 assist, 1 drawn penalty)
1: Tony Horton (2 goals)

Prestige Worldwide 8, Red Army 3

Last night's tilt between arch rivals Prestige Worldwide and the Red Army provided a snapshot of two teams moving in opposite directions. Prestige Worldwide, now 9-0, is the clear front runner to win the division and a heavy favorite to win the Jenkin's Cup. The Red Army on the other hand ensured that they will endure a losing record this season with the loss.

But does it phase the Comrades?

"We have a lot of talent and we have a lot of effort. Sometimes one is there and the other is not, but when they're both there, we win games," Mark Hendricks said. "We're going to start playing that way from here on out. We're going to skate harder, play smarter, and start winning games. Mark these words, even if we don't move up a spot in the standings, we will enter the playoffs on a four game winning streak."

"I'm not sure," Ryan Odell said, before adding, "But I support the idea, and will fight to back up this guarantee."

That was the big news from last night, and because I've been working all day and have to take a nap run some errands before heading out this evening, I will recap this game in five bullet points:

• Like so many other contests this season, the Comrades took too long to discover where they were achieving success. By the time they realized they could outwork PW in the corners and play a cycle game, like so many other contests this season, it was too little too late.
• The highlight of the game came 15 seconds into the 3rd period when Odell sent an 80 foot tape-to-tape pass to Hendricks and Hendricks one timed the puck home from nearly a zero degree angle.
• Hendricks had also won the aforementioned face off as well.
• Tony Horton played an exceptional game and got the Soviets on the board with a low snap shot midway through the 2nd period.
• Prestige Worldwide scored more goals than the Comrades and swept the season series. They were not able to stop that goal at the start of the 3rd period though, and I can not emphasize that point enough.

THREE STARS:
3: Ryan Odell
2: Jason Mastaler
1: Mike "Gooch Bag" D'Ignazio

Game #10: Red Army vs Prestige Worldwide

There is a lot to cover before tonight's puck drop. For Prestige Worldwide, it's a chance to sweep the season series, retain the Soviet Tuxedo, and improve their record to a perfect 9-0. For the Comrades, it's a chance to announce to the rest of the league that the road to the championship still goes through Moscow.

I've got a radio interview with G38.3 Kavitsha (a German sports talk station based out of Munich) but I plan on updating the blog here with all of your game day needs by no later than 2:00 pm EST. Until then, read the article about the R.A.D.'s continued growth below, and also, feel free to use the comments section as a board for heated trash talking. Those Germans love it.

Appealing to the Masses

At the risk of coming across as cocky, pretentious, and like we just received a diploma from Mr. Jefferson's University, we here at the Red Army Digest are both pleased and honored to announce that we have established a loyal fan base that encompasses much of the globe. Yes fellow Comrades, it is true. While Stalin's dream of Communist Red covering the globe (interesting fact: this dream was also shared by paint enthusiast Sherman William's) was never realized, the R.A.D.'s dream of being read by anyone living on the globe is most certainly being achieved. From Bangkok to Brasilia, people, for reasons simply unexplainable, can't get enough of the Red Army.

Where are these facts coming from? Well, Blogger (the company that publishes this blog) recently updated its metric that tracks hits that each blog generates. Blogger added two very interesting new tools that news sources (like us) can use to see just who exactly is scrolling through the content. Those tools are 1) an audience map, which shows exactly how many hits have been generated from specific countries, and 2) traffic sources, which shows what sites link this blog the most frequently and what are the most popular keywords searched that bring people to the blog.

Get it? Good.

So what country reads us the most? Well, not surprisingly, the United States of America. This week, 97% of our readers were reading while on American soil. The other 3% was made up of Canada, Georgia (where the Soviets have obvious ties), South Korea, Germany, and the Netherlands. But this week was not ordinary, and to get a grander scope of things let's zoom out to last month, where the US supplied only 71% of the readers. Brazil, Luxembourg, and Lithuania joined the mix, but none rivaled the interest shown by Germany, who gave us 27% of our viewers. Who does anyone know in Germany that would follow the Red Army? Surely it is a fluke right? The month is an out liar? Well, not really. All time, 32% of our readers have been from Germany. Other countries with significant contributions (over 1%) include Russia, Ukraine, and all of the aforementioned countries sans Georgia (come on Peter, you're living in the only country we'd expect to give us hits and you're giving us >1% effort... this isn't Target).

So why the German love affair? We have absolutely no idea, we only know that both Tony Horton and Scott Hoefer are somehow involved.

Next, we move to the traffic sources. The first half of this is expected. Of the top 10 places people click to read an article on the Red Army hockey team, four are from the Prestige Worldwide blog, three are from Google (US, UK, and RU), one is from Peter and Alene's blog, one is from the blogger website, and one is from Facebook.

But the searches? The things that have been searched enough (sometimes only twice) to make the top 10 keywords people search while trying to find the blog? Well, take a look for yourself:

#10: Brad Lotocki the knot
#9: Brad Lotocki dating
#8: Army fisting
#7: Andy Schram fetish porn
#6: "Andy Schram" dead
#5: Ryan Odell
#4: Red Army blog
#3: Phil Tiller
#2: Brad Lotocki
#1: Red Army Digest

What to make of all of this? Who loves Brad and hates Andy? Who the hell is Phil Tiller? Well, we don't know the answer to any of those questions except the last one: he was Neal and Brian Hendricks' high school cross country coach. Why is he on the list? Your guess is as good as ours. The only thing we can clear up is the "Army fisting" search, which we are guessing (keyword here: guessing) is in reference to the article "Red Army Fists Shockers", in which Ben Breiterman KO'd Loges. That article remains one of the highest read articles in R.A.D. history, and logic would dictate that people simply searched the article's title when being told by friends. Still, given Andy Schram's apparent affinity for fetish porn, I would not eliminate ulterior motives from being sought while searching.

So what do we make of all of this? How can we use this information to increase our popularity even more? Well, we don't really know yet. All we do know is that there is going to be a dramatic increase in Nazi jokes.

Happy Rosh Hashanah everyone!

The Unbiased Mustache: 1st Installment

Hello all! As this is my first post on this blog, I feel a brief introduction is in order. First though, I must express my most sincere gratitude towards the Red Army Digest Staff for allowing me to contribute to this blog. I look forward to a long and prosperous relationship with the R.A.D. and covering some great hockey (so long as it is played within the confines of the rulebook, LOL!).

Anyways, the introduction: My name is Tom Junior and I am a referee for all of the great inline hockey leagues at Dulles Sportsplex. I have been a referee for a few years now, so long in fact that I even reffed some games back in the olden days when inline hockey was played with a ball (OMG!). As for the writing aspect of this job, I grew up in Des Moines, Iowa, which as anyone will tell you, is a breeding ground for successful writers. I'm sure everyone has heard of Ethel Brooks and Candy Ladson, the co-founders of Iowa's most popular trucking magazine, "Weigh Station Weekly", or picked up an edition of Maggie Grimson's "Harvests and Hoedowns" at the dentist's office. I don't mean to brag, but us Iowans are good at writing (and growing corn of course! :-D) So with that in mind, I hope you get to know me better over the next few weeks and I get to know you better as well. And most of all, I hope you enjoy these weekly columns!

ITEM 1: High-sticking, the new tripping?
Watch out folks, there's a new fad sweeping the league and it's giving several players more reasons to wear a cage. I'm talking about the slew of high sticking penalties that have been called recently. I don't know if something in the water or if it's just because there is more competition this season, but my oh my have there been a lot of high sticking calls. In season's past, the most popular penalty call was tripping by a long shot, and I'd venture to guess that over 50% of penalties called were that of the tripping variety. This season, other calls like roughing, elbowing, slashing, and interference have experienced resurgences as well, but still, they all pale in comparison to the high stick's comeback. Luckily, there has only been one four minuter handed out so far. Keep your sticks down, boys (:P)

ITEM 2: The most confusing rule in the world.
Perhaps another positive that can come out of this blog is a chance for me to explain some of the rules that players find confusing. There is one rule that stands head and shoulders above the rest in the confusion department, and that is how come a player is allowed to get away with an apparent trip just because he touched the puck first? If a defending player lunges for the puck, misses it, and trips the forward, it is a penalty, BUT, if the defender is making a play for the puck and MAKES CONTACT with the puck FIRST, AND THEN the forward goes down, there is not a penalty. In the latter case, the puck was played cleanly, and the trip that happened after would be considered incidental. Often times, this play happens in the blink of an eye, and every member of the team that saw their teammate getting tripped is up in arms. If I had stocked footage of inline hockey to give examples, I would, but I don't. I do have NHL footage though, and the two different leagues share many of the same rules including this one, which you can see here.

ITEM 3: A meditation on the importance of team chemistry
I'm a sucker for group dynamics. I find the subject interesting, and skating back and forth past the benches gives me an inside look at every team. There are a few teams I want to point out as having incredibly thick skin (no, not because they exfoliate!) and a few teams that unravel at the first sign of distress. First, the even keeled ones. Cryptic Stench, the Shockers, and Prestige Worldwide all have displayed a great amount of levelheaded-ness in times of peril. The Stench perhaps more so than anyone, simply because they never seem to be phased by anything good or bad. The Shockers and Prestige Worldwide have both been involved in a few games that have turned ugly, but the talk on the bench revolves around cracking the other team's system, not about cracking the refs skulls. The same can not be said about Daggermouth 2.0 and the Black Presidents. Daggermouth 2.0 quickly implodes on themselves and play the blame game more than anyone else. The Black Presidents on the other hand take every penalty personally. Each time they take a penalty, or give up a goal for that matter, they blame the referees. Yes, sometimes we do miss calls, or make the wrong calls, but there is no video replay in this league, so whatever the call was, it's going to stay that way. That is never enough for the Black Presidents however, and they end up fighting a two front war the whole game against their opponents and the referees, and, as any student of history will tell you, two front wars tend to end poorly (see Germany, World War I & World War II).


Now, in the future, I plan on doing five items a post, but with time constraints and a referee convention in Wichita tomorrow, I have to cut this one short. I hope you enjoyed this inaugural post, and as I will end every post with, here are some quick hits:

Dumbest Penalty of the Week: Chris Celenski, while playing goalie, threw his stick at a player after being nudged in the corner.

Best Trashtalk of the Week: A member of the Stench, after blocking two consecutive shots and deflecting an attempted pass by the same member of Daggermouth 2.0, resets his position on defense and waits for the Daggermouth 2.0 player to make another play. Stench player says, "Your move again, Douchebag."

Worst Goal of the Week: A member of the Shockers tried to bat the puck away from the goal, but inadvertently volleyball slammed the puck into his own net.

Best Game of the Week: Prestige Worldwide's 4-3 overtime victory over the Shockers.

Worst Game of the Week: Cryptic Stench's 12-1 victory over Daggermouth 2.0.


And remember, if you have a better name than the "Unbiased Mustache", let us know in the comments section.

A closer look at a loss that has (unfortunately) defined a season

Sunday night's loss to Stuffed Chrus was the perfect storm of defeats: there was a soul-crushing element, a heavy dosage of heart-break, and a side of gut-wrenching of epic proportions. Most analysts, including Bill Clement (circa 2008), are referring to the loss as a "microcosm of the Red Army season", and as Tarik El Bashir so aptly defined it from his twitter account, "There were ups, there were downs, and in the end, there were totes more downs."

So let's try to get some answers. If last game really was a microcosm of the season, let's break the action down to understand exactly what went wrong, when it went wrong, why it went wrong, and most importantly, how to fix the problems. So without further ado, here are a few of the moments from last Sunday's contest that not only defined a game, but a season as well.

-First period, under five minutes remaining. Stuffed Chrus leads 3-1.
After surrendering the first three goals of the game, the Soviets finally capitalize on their offensive chances when Mark Hendricks finishes off a strong rush to the net. Immediately, wind is restored into the Soviet sails. However, on the ensuing shift, Tony Horton makes a no-look drop pass towards the point, which is intercepted by Chris Celenski (though intercepted phrases it nicely- the pass was from Horton's tape to Celenski's tape) and Celenski has a clear cut breakaway going the other way which he promptly deposits home.

Now, we can't be too hard on Horton here. It was an honest mistake, and heaven knows how many times we get on players for not using the points enough. The mistake was made with the best intentions, but it is the timing and riskiness of it all that kills us... and the Comrades. With a few minutes to go in the frame and your team just scoring a goal, the mindset has to be throw the puck on goal. Not only that, but Horton had a lane to shoot the puck (albeit on his backhand) and Hendricks was setting a screen. Even if the puck is stopped, Hendricks could have come up with a rebound to stash home or earned a faceoff in the zone. The point is, you have to know who you are playing, and Stuffed Chrus has too many weapons to justify throwing a puck into space hoping it lands on one of your defender's blades. You can be comfortable around dogs, but you have to be smart around wolves.

-Second period, midway mark. Score tied 4-4.
The Red Army has just scored three straight goals to storm back and tie the game. They are owning the puck, blocking shots, and enjoying long stays in the offensive zone. Then, they stop doing all of those things. The defense unravels, the forwards rush the puck, and the shots aren't blocked by anyone, defender or goaltender. The game becomes 5-4, 6-4, and 7-4 in the blink of an eye, and all of the hard work that had gone into tying the game (roughly 11 or 12 minutes of good hockey) is nullified in one and a half bad shifts of hockey.

Unlike the previous example, there is no lone scapegoat in this case. Instead, there are eight (I will spare the goalie because is not on the roster). All four defensemen and all four offensemen, for whatever reason, deemed it acceptable to take a few minutes off after playing inspired hockey. That will happen, it shouldn't, but it does. Complacency seeps into Mother Russia's veins with the meanest of feats. The disease this season has evolved, and for lack of a better term, become rabid. When being scored on in seasons past, it was an instant wake up call. The troops recovered, rallied, and responded. This season, when being scored upon, it doesn't register. So another goal against occurs. Then another. And another. By the time the Comrades make their patented late game surge, the damage has been done.

-Last minute of 2nd period - first five minutes of 3rd period. Stuffed Chrus leads 7-4.
Immediately following Stuffed Chrus' seventh tally, Ben Breiterman takes the puck near center and races the length of the rink to score a goal in what would be the final play of the middle stanza. To open the period, Hendricks converts on a breakaway after beating a defender and then moments later, converts on another breakaway after Scott Hoefer delivers a 100 foot pass.

If we are going to keep this "microcosm of the season" tag line valid, then we need to send some positives the Red Army's way. By my math, with a record of 2-6-1, the Red Army wins just under 25% of the games they play (if you take out the overtime loss, it is exactly 25%). So, since I wanted to do four defining moments, one of them had to be a good one. To me, this five or six minute sequence was the finest five or six minutes of the season. A good team (golden a year prior) has a stranglehold on the game and supplied back to back to back daggers heading into the 3rd period. But, before the horn can sound to end the period, a great individual effort by Breiterman decreases the lead to two and has a statement feel about it, like "Not so fast, this division technically is still ours 'til somebody eliminates us". Then Hendricks, while pseudo-cherry picking, scores two quick goals to start the third and gets Uncle Mo right back on Mother Russia's side. The Red Army, because of players like Hendricks and Breiterman, have quick strike potential. They also have players like Horton, like Steve Hand, like Drew Kelley, that do dirty work and open up room for others. They have a team of players that, when everyone does their job, is pretty damn tough to beat. Of course, you can't have people clocking out early or showing up late.

-Third period, 29 seconds remaining. Score tied 8-8.
Celenski skates the puck out through center and passes the puck off to a teammate. Celenski, who was being guarded by Hendricks, continues skating and heads to the front of the net. Hendricks, stops skating, watches the puck, and allows Celenski to float into the high slot completely untouched. Celenski receives a pass and delivers the knock out blow, firing a high wrist shot into the net.

We love Hendricks. He scores goals, he makes plays, and he's fun to watch. But make no mistake about it people, the reason the Red Army didn't even got one point out of Sunday's meltdown was because of #18. There is absolutely no reason to allow Celenski to become that wide open. It was a dropped assignment. Hendricks has said he wants to focus on his defensive game this season, and by the looks of it, Hendricks has 20/5000 vision. Hendricks has said in the past that he thought the Red Army could compete with some of the golden teams. Well, it's time to start putting your money where your mouth is, and that means playing at both ends of the rink. It means that no matter what the score is, how much time is left, or how much gas is left in the tank, you find a man and you cover him. Everyone knows that in the Empire that is the Red Army, Hendricks is emperor.

Well right now, Rome is burning.

Red Army Digest Staff Adds New Writer

We here at the R.A.D. are pleased to announce that we have inked a new writer to our team: Tom Jr. Though it may not excite our readers as much as, say, a new stay at home defenseman, we are confident that our loyal browsers are going to enjoy Tom Jr.'s candid outlook from the referee perspective, as well as his take on the action all around the league (instead of the fairly biased reporting that we typically supply).

Tom Jr.'s weekly column, "Play the Puck!" will appear every Friday morning beginning this week.

Editor's Note: If you think you have a more interesting title for the column, one that incorporates a play on words with a penalty and/or writing, please let us know in the comments section. If yours is picked, you will win a free beer on the Red Army Digest Staff.

Cigar Continues to Elude Mother Russia

The Red Army played a hard fought game tonight versus Stuffed Chrus. For long spouts of the game, the Comrades dictated the play and controlled the puck. At other times, the Comrades made ill advised plays and committed large gaffs. The end result? Another one goal loss in a game that should have been a win.

But let's not get down on them. We do that enough, and from the interviews gathered in the locker room this evening, they do that to each other enough. I don't want this to be a fluffy post filled with rainbows, but I would be remiss not to give credit where credit is due, identify some improvements, and tastefully point out things that need to change. In my past life, I was a teacher, and I understand while drilling someone about their shortcomings may have its short term benefits, in the long run it only breeds contempt. So this post will address each players performance tonight and point out three things:

1) Something the player is doing well
2) Something the player is improving at
3) Something the player needs to improve at

Think of it as good cop, good cop, bad cop...which is at least two times better than bad cop by my count.

First, the defense, in alphabetical order:

Breiterman, Ben
1) Ben is consistently a threat to score. It seems each game he is on the score sheet (he netted two goals tonight and a handful of assists) and his game in the defensive zone is equally impressive. He is as much shut down as he is top shelf.

2) Ben is becoming better at joining the rush, which he seems to be doing a lot more this season. In fact, a few times he has been spotted grinding the puck out behind the net in the offensive zone. His offensive game is creating a lot of three on two rushes.

3) But... stemming from #2, Ben's penchant for joining the rush is also leading to several two on one rushes the other way. A lot of this has to do with the offensemen reading the play and staying back, but most of it falls on Ben because as one of the more talented players on the rink, he needs to be one of the more vocal players to organize things.

Hoefer, Scott
1) Scott has continued to be the backbone of the defense. He seldom gets beat, he is vocal on the rink and on the bench, and he allows any other player paired with him to take chances. He is reliable.

2) Scott is also improving his offense while not letting it be a detriment to his defense. His release is becoming quicker and his shot harder. Him and Mark have executed a few give and go's the past few games and Scott is quickly becoming more confident in the offensive zone.

3) For as good as his defense is, it can be better. He plays well against north to south players, but when a player comes towards him and can toe drag, Hoefer can often be beat. He spoke to reporters about it tonight and thinks he can improve. The State of the Union may depend on how quick that learning curve is.

Kelley, Drew
1) Speed. Drew is the fastest player on the team, and in a division that just got injected with speed, Drew's role come playoff time is going to be increased. He can stay on guys that other Comrades just cannot.

2) Drew's defensive game used to consist of skating hard at someone and hoping to poke check. Now he can gauge a rushing offender, guide them towards the boards, and win the battle. His defensive game has grown by leaps and bounds.

3) Drew's offensive game however, seems, well, to be the Jekyll and Hyde of the Red Army. Last season, he was trigger happy when passes were available. Then he became a monster in the playoffs setting up Mark several times and chipping in with a few goals of his own. This season he seemed to regress back to his original habits of shooting when he should pass and passing when he should shoot. We know it's in him, we just want to see it.

Odell, Ryan
1) You know what you're going to get from Ryan: shots on net, a body to the front, and a physical presence. He is the meat and potatoes of the defensive corps and a proven winner; the kind of guy you want on your team in a season like this.

2) Though he still occasionally commits the dreaded "last man back who thinks he can dangle the world" faux pas, he has for the most part eliminated that from his game and become a breakout machine. Also, him and Mark have developed some chemistry this season that have resulted in a few highlight reel goals.

3) As I alluded to earlier, Ryan is a proven winner. When things are not going well though, like say... this season, Ryan can be tough on his teammates. He is a vocal leader, but when it comes to getting a message across, yelling is not always the best option.

The Offense:

Collis, Pete
1) Pete is probably the most underrated forward in the entire division. His speed, stick skills, and shot all catch teams off-guard. He was the biggest off season acquisition for the Red Army, and until tonight, he was also the good luck charm.

2) Pete is improving his offensive game by being more quick to pull the trigger. In past seasons, you couldn't pay him enough to shoot. This season, though he hasn't quite adopted the "shoot first, ask questions later" mentality, he certainly has ditched the "pass first, then second, third, fourth, and fifth".

3) For all of Pete's offensive upside, he still seems to get snake bitten at the worst times. It's no secret that him and Mark will be providing most of the offense this season, and the way things are going, the anti-venom better arrive quickly.

Hand, Steve
1) The Captain has continued his solid play in the corners. His big body and deceptively good hands allow him to finagle loose pucks away from opposing players. If his vision improves a bit he could rack up some serious assists.

2) With his vision, it is progressing slowly, but progressing nonetheless. He is beginning to make passes through seams that he couldn't before. He still needs to show patience at times and more urgency at others, but that comes with experience.

3) The thing Steve will always be judged on (unfairly because he is bigger than most of the other offensive players) is his performance in front of the net. He still drags his feet, errr, skates, to go to the absolute front of the net, but when he does, results are immediate. He also needs to find a way to get that slap shot off without a tee, a caddy, and an afternoon off.

Hendricks, Mark
1) He is back to his old scoring ways, netting hat tricks in three consecutive games (13 goals) and is not shying away from the front of the net.

2) Mark is also improving his defensive game and showing more of a commitment to being back, though as evidenced tonight, he still has much room to improve.

3) If Mark is going to improve somewhere besides defense, it is going to be offense, and by that I mean burying more of his scoring chances. Yes, a four goal performance like tonight was nice, but as the headline indicates, it was not good enough. Three times Mark had golden opportunities to give the Comrades a two goal lead late in the third, and all three times, he missed. The result? A six point night in the stat sheet and a 0 point night in the standings.

Horton, Tony
1) Like Drew, Tony has speed. When you combine his size with his speed, he can be a handful for defenders. Tony has shown an ability to drive the net and when he does that, he creates opportunities for himself and everyone around him.

2) Tony's hands are also improving. He has shown an ability to stick handle through defenders and create chances on his own. His finishing touch is still a bit behind, but you figure if he keeps getting shots, the goals will start coming.

3) Like Ben, Tony needs to be more selective when choosing to exercise his newest found hobby. Trying to beat a defender one on one is a dangerous game. If you fail, you've taken yourself out of the play and the puck is going the other way. Often times if a pass is open, the pass should be made.


So there is the breakdown. Tomorrow, there will be a game recap to cover tonight's game more in depth, but tonight, sensing the locker room's general mood, I think this was higher on the priority list.

Keep your heads up Comrades. As the wise Bruce Boudreau once said, "The difference between a rut and a winning streak is only a couple of bounces."

Back to Business

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

What is that for you ask? That elongated ah, what does it mean? Damnit Barry, you've been away for so long that we don't even understand your sounds anymore! Well calm down Comrades, that right there is the sound of yours truly waking up after too long of a hiatus from the blogosphere. Yes, I'm back. Not because the Red Army is on a win streak (I refuse to accept the label that I am a fair weather blogger), no, it is because there is competition that transcends stick and puck these days. I am talking about the war of words between Prestige Worldwide Hockey and the Red Army Digest (though you may know the online rivalry by the nicknames it is even less known as, like "The Fight of the Font", "The Bout of Blogging", and "Tuxedos are for Gays".)

Psssssch....

What's the sound? Well that's the sound of me cracking open a frosty brew, leaning back in my chair made entirely out of albino Siberian tiger skin, and laughing at the notion that another blog is even worthy of smelling the excrement that this blog produces (though comparing the content that this blog produces to excrement immediately discredits the analogy). I just hope the point, like the smell in this fictitious scenario, lingers.

But Barry, they have merchandise. They have more writers. They have been generating articles and linking them to their Facebook pages for weeks and you've stood by and done nothing!

First off, I haven't been doing nothing. Last week I completed the Washington Post's Wednesday crossword and sudoku puzzles before lunch. Now yes, I did eat lunch at around 4:15 pm that day, but who are you to tell me what time lunch is? If I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 4:15 pm I'm going to eat it then, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Go ahead and try, if you do you'll be considered a racist. Why? Because George Washington Carver was black.

Check... and mate.

Now the point of this post was not to throw PW's blog under the bus. I respect what they do over there (though the Catholic Church condemns it) and I think it's great that they finally have a winning team to cover, heaven knows they bought deserve it. The point of this post was to let people know that the lion never left the jungle. The thrown was never vacated. I'm still here, and I'm still going to assert my dominance with every single compound/complex sentence. Win or lose, I will write recaps. I will do game day precaps. I will do human interest pieces on players. I will cover the All Star game. I will cover the Olympics. I will even cover late night episodes at Beer Gardens. I am here with you, through amazing deflections and rogue banana peels.

And to all the doubters at the PW headquarters: I'd get as many articles published before September 9, 2010, because that's when your winning streak ends.

Relax

Well, it appears this season has gotten off to a bit of a rough start. At 0-3-1, the Red Army is one of two teams in the division that is win-less and the first, and so far only, team to reach the four loss mark (three in regulation, one in overtime). After being blown out the season opener, the Soviets have lost back to back to back close games. They are getting better, yes, but they still have yet to finish a game with their score greater than that of their opponents, which, as anyone will tell you, is important in the winning process.

So, as the wise Mike Lafontaine said, "Hey, what happened?"

Well, not much. The team is still the same team that won back to back to back championships. Any fan going around hitting the panic button is doing so prematurely and much to the dismay of surrounding females. The season is four games old. There is plenty of time to right the wrongs, plenty of time to develop good habits, and plenty of games to rack up points and climb the standings.

Stuffed Chrus, Prestige Worldwide, the Puck Ewes, and the Black Presidents are probably the best four teams in the division. All four of those teams played, and defeated, Mother Russia this season. But, there will be rematches. The Red Army will get another crack at them, all of them, and they will win against all of them.

So, as your faithful blogging news source I say to you fans of the Motherland: fear not, and enjoy playing the role of the underdog for a few games.

Pretty soon the league will realize there's a monster in the basement.

False Alarm: Mark Hendricks Still a Comrade

Move over Brett Favre, you've got competition in the "is he staying or is he going" game. A few hours after writing a heartfelt open letter to his fellow Comrades about his abrupt departure, Mark Hendricks has apparently added a post postscript of "JK". The winger will be back in the lineup on Sunday night.

The details on how the winger was lured back are unknown, and in keeping with team policy, the terms and conditions were not released. What we do know is that Hendricks has narrowly beaten Ben Breiterman in yet another Red Army record: shortest interval between leaving the team and coming back.

-AP

An Open Letter from Mark Hendricks

Dearest Comrades,

As many of you are aware of by now, I will not be able to play for the Red Army this season. That is not to say I'll be wearing the jersey of another team (I would never ever dare toy with that idea). The truth of the matter is this: a lack of funds, a debt to pay, and a shallow job pool have created a perfect storm, if you will, and its wrath erased "Roller Hockey" from the list of things I can afford.

The timing of this? Terrible, I know. We (I will continue to use this pronoun when referring to the team) have just limped off to a 0-2 start in a division that features more talent than any in the previous seasons. While I was looking forward to the challenge of the next three months with salivating lips, it appears the taste will elude me. This team, and perhaps I say this every season, is loaded with talent. The additions of Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, and Pete Collis add grit, stingy defense, leadership, speed, and offensive potency to a team that already oozes with these things. I trust that even without my goal scoring prowess, the offense will still pack a very hard punch. The defense... well, I had nothing to do with them.

Wishful thinking dictates that before too long I'll be employed, and I could hop on mid-season. Yes, it's possible. I start my job as fashion connoisseur sales associate in the men's department at Kohl's on Tuesday. Also, early indications of the hockey schedule make it appear that I will have a heavy load of reffing work, which is good. On top of those things, a government job may only be a few weeks off, which would equate to the sound of a cash register opening. But, of course, this is all conjecture, and most likely a few months will pass while I work odd jobs and only frequent the rink while attired in stripes. Pessimistic? Maybe a tad, but at least I'll get a discount on V-neck sweaters.

For now, the pregame mass text responsibilities go to Steve Hand, the blogging responsibilities will go to Ryan Odell (should he chose to accept them), and the excessive celebration responsibilities go to Ben Breiterman. Text, blog, and fist pump well, gentlemen.

So long my Comrades. While I hope this farewell to arms is a brief one, I will still miss you. Now, as I go and search for work, I hope, and expect, that you all will continue to do work.

Mark Hendricks

PS: Team party sometime soon? Just saying.

DYNASTY

There was a little over 90 seconds remaining on the clock when Mark Hendricks sealed the deal. After making a save, goaltender Chris Celenski made an ill-advised decision to try and play the puck. The attempted pass hit Hendricks in the skates, and the sniper turned and fired home his fifth goal of the game to increase the Soviet lead to two. The final minute and a half wound down and the celebration was on: the Red Army were once again champions.

"It feels great right now, just... ahhh, unbelievable," Captain Steve Hand said. "I felt like we really got stronger as the game went on, and in a sense, it was a microcosm of our season. We ditched the bad habits and developed good ones as the game progressed. I'm so proud of our guys right now."

The Captain played a solid game despite not registering a point, and the line of him and Pat King was paramount in limiting the Shockers' offensive chances.

"When we changed lines, things started working," King said. "[Hand] and I took care of our zone and the other line really chipped in offensively. It's exactly the kind of performance we needed. An all around gutsy effort."

When asked how he was feeling following a scary looking shot block that occurred in the first period, King responded, "The boys are still there, and based on tonight's crowd, I think they'll be getting some work tonight."

"Yeah they will!" Hand added, before pausing and continuing, "Wait, what are we talking about?"

As good as the night ended for Mother Russia, the beginning was far from the start the Soviets were hoping for. An early Jamie Simek turnover led to the Shockers' first tally. Later in the first, Andy Schram was beaten on an innocent looking snap shot to increase the lead to 2-0, and before the period was over, the lead was pushed to 3-0. The long dreaded letdown seemed imminent. Well, to everyone who wasn't seated on the Red Army bench that is.

"It definitely was not a family-friendly discussion," Ben Breiterman joked about the intermission conversations had between players. "We were definitely frustrated and upset with the effort, but we knew we could play better. We just needed to change something up, so we shuffled the lines."

The line changes that Breiterman was referring to involved swapping Hand and Neal Hendricks. With Neal and Mark Hendricks on one line, and King and Hand on the other, the results were immediate. The Soviets began gaining more possession and generating more shots. Celenski warded off several high quality chances, but eventually, at around the midway mark of the game, he was beaten. Mark Hendricks raced up the rink with a full head of steam. After stepping by the first defenseman, Hendricks fired a low snap shot on goal. Celenski kicked the rebound out into the crease, and Hendricks, out-muscling the last defender, arrived to the loose puck first and jammed it between Celenski's legs and into the net.

It lit an even bigger fire under the Comrades.

"It was a big goal," Simek said. "Definitely what the doctor ordered. Once that first goal went in, we all got some confidence. It was the proverbial spray of Old Spice, that extra boost we needed."

On the ensuing shift after making it 3-1, the Comrades were back on the offensive. Drew Kelley forced a turnover while forechecking, and set up Neal Hendricks for a chance in close, but the shot went wide. A few moments later, King intercepted an attempted breakout pass and fed Mark Hendricks, who was cutting on alone on goal. Hendricks' shot nearly slipped through Celenski's pads, but was stopped on the goal line.

Then, the Soviets got the break they were looking for. Mark Hendricks was checked while coming across the middle, and the Red Army went to the power play. With Breiterman and the elder Hendricks working the points, Neal Hendricks worked the half wall and Simek went to the front of the net. The foursome fired several shots on goal, but Celenski was able to fight them off through the traffic. The Shockers were never able to clear the puck however, and the Comrades had them pinned in. Simek took a loose rebound and fed it to Breiterman. Breiterman unleashed his patented slap shot, which struck Celenski's leg pad and floated out into the crease. Mark Hendricks activated from the point and fired a slap shot of his own back into the frenzy, and this time, the only thing the puck touched was the back of the net.

"I saw [Simek] turn and I thought he was going to shoot it," Mark Hendricks said. "He was on his backhand though, and I was coming in full speed for a slapper, so I just started yelling 'Leave it! Leave it!' and thankfully he heard and left it there for me. When I saw it go in I was pumped. The place erupted, I thought the roof was going to blow off the place. Wooo baby! Let me just say too, that I think that power play goal was my favorite goal I've ever scored. It's going to be a popular visit that I frequent while traveling down memory lane."

With the Red Army carrying all of the momentum, they did what so many other Red Army teams before them have done: they relinquished it. The Shockers were able to capitalize late in the middle frame on a lapse in defensive coverage, and it was them who entered the final period of the season with a lead, and a stranglehold on the game.

"It was another heated intermission break," Drew Kelley said. "I think it was a real kick to the gut when they scored that late goal, but we knew we had 15 minutes left."

The Comrades were helped out again when the Shockers took another penalty early in the period. Mark Hendricks was slashed while taking it to the net, and the Soviets once again looked to convert on the man advantage.

The Shockers were able to clear the puck early in the power play, but after Brian "Beege" Hendricks raced back to get the puck, the Comrades put on a passing display that would have dismantled any team's defense. Beege passed across to Kelley. Kelley wound up for the slap shot, freezing a defenseman, then sent a slap pass down low to Mark Hendricks. Hendricks curled out to give himself a better shooting angle, but instead of ripping a wrist shot, Hendricks fired a crisp pass through a defender's legs and onto the blade of Neal Hendricks. Neal Hendricks redirected the puck into the back of the net, and once again, the game was a one goal affair.

"I had a few opportunities to score, but they just weren't going in," Neal Hendricks said. "I was really happy Mark saw me on that one, and it was a sick pass, I just had to slip it past Celenski. When it went in that's what I didn't know what to do, so I just yelled really loudly."

The Comrades continued to push the envelope, racing to loose pucks and jumping in from the point to keep the pressure on. The high octane tempo that the game was being played at favored the Soviets, because as more time elapsed off of the clock, the fatigue became more and more apparent in the Shockers' legs. While the Shockers seemed to get slower, the Red Army seemed to get faster.

A few minutes after making the score 4-3, Mark Hendricks went back to work, this time starting in his own zone. Nearing the end of the shift, Hendricks skated into the corner to pick up a shot that had deflected to the boards. He picked up the puck and began skating into the Shockers' zone. The defenders were unable to pick him up in time, and Hendricks was able to get off a wrist shot from just outside the hash marks. The puck sailed past Celenski, nicking the knob of the goalie stick before hitting the mesh in the goal. It was 4-4, and a whole new game.

"I get an assist for telling him to skate hard," Hand said. "[Mark] was going to come off and I just yelled at him to go because he had space. I'm Steve Hand, and I do it all."

The game remained tied until the four minute mark of the game. The Comrades raced out of their zone with Kelley leading the rush. Kelley sent a pass across to Mark Hendricks, and the team-leading scorer cashed in again. Neal Hendricks drew a defender away from the goal, and Mark Hendricks waltzed in alone on Celenski and roofed a shot glove side to give the Soviets their first lead of the game.

"That was a great rush," Beege said. "I stayed back a bit and watched it develop, and it was textbook. The four of us (Kelley and the three Hendricks brothers) really became a dynamic line in the third. Normally I'm used to scoring goals, but with the other three guys I was with I played more defense. It was a change. Oh, and I am also the new team enforcer. Yeah, I guess you could pretty much say I'm the most important player out there, go Beege!"

The Shockers would try and muster offense late in the game, but the damage was done. The Soviets continued to dominate the possession game, and when Mark Hendricks tacked on his fifth of the game, the final minute became a formality. It was over. Three consecutive championships in a row. Dynasty.

"I feel great... it feels great," Schram said. "It really hit me when I was ordering my championship shirt and I said to the guy, 'No, I have a red one. Oh, I have a black one too. We don't have white do we?' We've really dominated for nearly a year now. Run it back baby! Run it back!"

One of the first orders of business following the game was a phone call to Dysentery Gary Scott Hoefer, who of course, was proud of his Comrades, and offered these words of advice, "I love winning." He also added, "Jess' family is passed out on the floor right now, I may have made the margaritas a bit too strong."

For now, the Red Army players can enjoy the brief off season. Before this blog heads into its off season though, I thought I'd leave you with one last thought: Since November 1, 2009, no team has been able to eliminate the Red Army.

Dynasty, boys, Dynasty.

THREE STARS:
3: The Fanbase
2: Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, Brad Lotocki
1: Ben Breiterman, Steve Hand, Brian Hendricks, Mark Hendricks, Neal Hendricks, Scott Hoefer, Drew Kelley, Pat King, Andy Schram, Jamie Simek

Run It Back

Games like tonight afford journalists the opportunity to over-hype. Brief, spine-tingling inducing quips like "do or die", "fight or flight", or, "now or never" litter the headlines. It's the garage sale of pump-up. It's also very apt. Tonight at 9:00 pm, the Red Army will play the Shockers. The winner of the game caps off three hardworking months of the year with a championship. The loser joins seven other teams on a list of clubs that ultimately failed in their quest for glory.

Oh, was that more than three words?

For the Red Army, they've created and established a culture of winning. In their first championship, they wowed everyone with a miracle run to the finals and an even more impressive sweep of the #1 ranked Puck Ewes. The following season they proved many doubters wrong when they repeated as champions despite a shaky season. This season they squeaked by into the finals again and find themselves three periods of hockey away from a third banner. At a certain point, one which could occur tonight, even the most skeptical of critics would have to have the enlightening epiphany that, "Hey, these guys aren't lucky...they're good."

But let's not focus on championships, parades, and parties. Let's focus on what the Comrades have seemed so intently focused on the past three seasons: not being eliminated. Let me hit you with some knowledge. In the past three seasons, the Red Army has faced elimination nine times. Their record in those nine games? 9-0. The Cryptic Stench have had the most opportunities with three, but lost all three games by slim margins (two were one goal affairs). The Shockers and Grenades have each had a pair of chances to knock off the Soviets but failed as well. The other two teams, Hogstachio Pistachio and Prestige Worldwide, also had a crack at the Russians in the playoffs, but, and stop me if you've heard this before, both fell short by one goal. What more can you say? These guys have a severe allergy to death.

Of course, we're not going to pump too much air into the Soviet tires because for all we know, tonight could be the let down. The Shockers could exorcise past demons and annihilate the Red Army 25-3. Fans, coaches, and players alike could chalk it up to the aggregate fatigue that accumulates from playing so many games over the course of a year, and they could still hold their heads high and raise their glasses even higher, laughing as they toast each other, saying things like, "Well, the run was nice, but we can't win 'em all." Because you can't.

But this team, the team that is on the verge of making it three consecutive championship seasons, doesn't get to chalk anything up. They don't get to because they've shown everyone what they're capable of doing, and anything less than a win tonight is a failure. It is do or die. It is now or never.

Tonight, it is time to run it back.