Typically, after the conclusion of a season, players remove their equipment from the locker room, say goodbye to teammates, and head back to their respective home towns while mulling over another championship-less season. The team usually releases an injury report as to who was playing hurt, what the extent of the injury was, and what treatment the player was receiving. Weighing heaviest on the minds of players though, is the uncertainty that is the off season. Are personnel changes coming and some players going to be shipped out of town?
Well, what normally is the gloomiest day of the year for hockey teams was anything but that in the Red Army locker room this morning. With the adrenaline of the championship win still pumping through the collective veins of the Soviets, the spirits, as well as BAC's of the players, remained high.
"I'm still partying," captain Steve Hand said, addressing members of the media while wearing only his underwear. "I just can't stop partying. We're champions."
Goaltender and MVP of the playoffs Andy Schram was in an equally festive mood. "Cannonball!" Schram said, jumping off the top of the laundry hamper into a kiddie pool filled with Stolichnaya Blueberry Vodka.
The room erupted as several players began chanting "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch".
Despite the bumps and bruises, which is quite an understatement, all of the players traded their ice packs for six packs.
This is the official injury report, released by the team last night:
Breiterman, Ben: Back spasms, sprained mustache, pulled hamstring.
Hand, Steve: Sprained ankle, bruised rib.
Hendricks, Mark: Sprained wrist, sprained hand, hyper-extended arm, bruised neck.
Hoefer, Scott: Arthritis.
Horton, Tony: Fractured wrist, bruised German ego from 60 years prior.
King, Pat: Sprained finger.
Odell, Ryan: Broken legs, broken arms, paralysis, severed head, paper cut.
Schram, Andy: Severely bruised left hand.
Brad Lotocki, the lone player not listed on the injury report, informed me earlier this morning that, "Real men don't get injured." This was of course vintage Lotocki, as shortly after dropping those words of wisdom on me, he was spotted roasting a grizzly bear on an open flame. "Bear entree!" Lotocki yelled, adding dashes of pepper to the rotating beast.
King, Hendricks, and Breiterman, while all injured, deemed themselves in good enough health to receive matching tattoos.
"It was Pat's idea," Breiterman said. "The Labia line has been together for a few seasons now, and he thought it was time we got something to honor it."
Breiterman, who already has a tattoo on his back of pac-man, opted to put the "L" on his chest, while King and Hendricks went upper back.
"I have a few tats already," King said. "But this one gives me three, and since I am hat trick Patrick it is only appropriate that I complete the ink trick."
Hendricks was less enthusiastic about receiving the tattoo.
"Ahhh needles!" Hendricks said, flailing his arms up and down before putting on another tight shirt.
Hoefer will also be participating in the labia line ink brotherhood, but the defenseman will be getting henna tattoo versions of the logo every other month.
Odell and Horton were unable for comment because they were spending the day at local elementary schools lecturing students on the importance of practicing good hygiene and staying out of gangs, especially Jewish ones.
Hoefer was also unable to comment because he is still overcome with emotion following the championship win, though he did manage to mouth, "J-E-T-S"
So... breakdown day is a lot different when it follows a championship. The mood is happy, the drinks are Russian, and the shirts are red. What more could you ask for?
Domino's coupons?
"We got those," Schram said, waving his new catching glove around pretending to catch everything. "We got those."
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