DYNASTY

There was a little over 90 seconds remaining on the clock when Mark Hendricks sealed the deal. After making a save, goaltender Chris Celenski made an ill-advised decision to try and play the puck. The attempted pass hit Hendricks in the skates, and the sniper turned and fired home his fifth goal of the game to increase the Soviet lead to two. The final minute and a half wound down and the celebration was on: the Red Army were once again champions.

"It feels great right now, just... ahhh, unbelievable," Captain Steve Hand said. "I felt like we really got stronger as the game went on, and in a sense, it was a microcosm of our season. We ditched the bad habits and developed good ones as the game progressed. I'm so proud of our guys right now."

The Captain played a solid game despite not registering a point, and the line of him and Pat King was paramount in limiting the Shockers' offensive chances.

"When we changed lines, things started working," King said. "[Hand] and I took care of our zone and the other line really chipped in offensively. It's exactly the kind of performance we needed. An all around gutsy effort."

When asked how he was feeling following a scary looking shot block that occurred in the first period, King responded, "The boys are still there, and based on tonight's crowd, I think they'll be getting some work tonight."

"Yeah they will!" Hand added, before pausing and continuing, "Wait, what are we talking about?"

As good as the night ended for Mother Russia, the beginning was far from the start the Soviets were hoping for. An early Jamie Simek turnover led to the Shockers' first tally. Later in the first, Andy Schram was beaten on an innocent looking snap shot to increase the lead to 2-0, and before the period was over, the lead was pushed to 3-0. The long dreaded letdown seemed imminent. Well, to everyone who wasn't seated on the Red Army bench that is.

"It definitely was not a family-friendly discussion," Ben Breiterman joked about the intermission conversations had between players. "We were definitely frustrated and upset with the effort, but we knew we could play better. We just needed to change something up, so we shuffled the lines."

The line changes that Breiterman was referring to involved swapping Hand and Neal Hendricks. With Neal and Mark Hendricks on one line, and King and Hand on the other, the results were immediate. The Soviets began gaining more possession and generating more shots. Celenski warded off several high quality chances, but eventually, at around the midway mark of the game, he was beaten. Mark Hendricks raced up the rink with a full head of steam. After stepping by the first defenseman, Hendricks fired a low snap shot on goal. Celenski kicked the rebound out into the crease, and Hendricks, out-muscling the last defender, arrived to the loose puck first and jammed it between Celenski's legs and into the net.

It lit an even bigger fire under the Comrades.

"It was a big goal," Simek said. "Definitely what the doctor ordered. Once that first goal went in, we all got some confidence. It was the proverbial spray of Old Spice, that extra boost we needed."

On the ensuing shift after making it 3-1, the Comrades were back on the offensive. Drew Kelley forced a turnover while forechecking, and set up Neal Hendricks for a chance in close, but the shot went wide. A few moments later, King intercepted an attempted breakout pass and fed Mark Hendricks, who was cutting on alone on goal. Hendricks' shot nearly slipped through Celenski's pads, but was stopped on the goal line.

Then, the Soviets got the break they were looking for. Mark Hendricks was checked while coming across the middle, and the Red Army went to the power play. With Breiterman and the elder Hendricks working the points, Neal Hendricks worked the half wall and Simek went to the front of the net. The foursome fired several shots on goal, but Celenski was able to fight them off through the traffic. The Shockers were never able to clear the puck however, and the Comrades had them pinned in. Simek took a loose rebound and fed it to Breiterman. Breiterman unleashed his patented slap shot, which struck Celenski's leg pad and floated out into the crease. Mark Hendricks activated from the point and fired a slap shot of his own back into the frenzy, and this time, the only thing the puck touched was the back of the net.

"I saw [Simek] turn and I thought he was going to shoot it," Mark Hendricks said. "He was on his backhand though, and I was coming in full speed for a slapper, so I just started yelling 'Leave it! Leave it!' and thankfully he heard and left it there for me. When I saw it go in I was pumped. The place erupted, I thought the roof was going to blow off the place. Wooo baby! Let me just say too, that I think that power play goal was my favorite goal I've ever scored. It's going to be a popular visit that I frequent while traveling down memory lane."

With the Red Army carrying all of the momentum, they did what so many other Red Army teams before them have done: they relinquished it. The Shockers were able to capitalize late in the middle frame on a lapse in defensive coverage, and it was them who entered the final period of the season with a lead, and a stranglehold on the game.

"It was another heated intermission break," Drew Kelley said. "I think it was a real kick to the gut when they scored that late goal, but we knew we had 15 minutes left."

The Comrades were helped out again when the Shockers took another penalty early in the period. Mark Hendricks was slashed while taking it to the net, and the Soviets once again looked to convert on the man advantage.

The Shockers were able to clear the puck early in the power play, but after Brian "Beege" Hendricks raced back to get the puck, the Comrades put on a passing display that would have dismantled any team's defense. Beege passed across to Kelley. Kelley wound up for the slap shot, freezing a defenseman, then sent a slap pass down low to Mark Hendricks. Hendricks curled out to give himself a better shooting angle, but instead of ripping a wrist shot, Hendricks fired a crisp pass through a defender's legs and onto the blade of Neal Hendricks. Neal Hendricks redirected the puck into the back of the net, and once again, the game was a one goal affair.

"I had a few opportunities to score, but they just weren't going in," Neal Hendricks said. "I was really happy Mark saw me on that one, and it was a sick pass, I just had to slip it past Celenski. When it went in that's what I didn't know what to do, so I just yelled really loudly."

The Comrades continued to push the envelope, racing to loose pucks and jumping in from the point to keep the pressure on. The high octane tempo that the game was being played at favored the Soviets, because as more time elapsed off of the clock, the fatigue became more and more apparent in the Shockers' legs. While the Shockers seemed to get slower, the Red Army seemed to get faster.

A few minutes after making the score 4-3, Mark Hendricks went back to work, this time starting in his own zone. Nearing the end of the shift, Hendricks skated into the corner to pick up a shot that had deflected to the boards. He picked up the puck and began skating into the Shockers' zone. The defenders were unable to pick him up in time, and Hendricks was able to get off a wrist shot from just outside the hash marks. The puck sailed past Celenski, nicking the knob of the goalie stick before hitting the mesh in the goal. It was 4-4, and a whole new game.

"I get an assist for telling him to skate hard," Hand said. "[Mark] was going to come off and I just yelled at him to go because he had space. I'm Steve Hand, and I do it all."

The game remained tied until the four minute mark of the game. The Comrades raced out of their zone with Kelley leading the rush. Kelley sent a pass across to Mark Hendricks, and the team-leading scorer cashed in again. Neal Hendricks drew a defender away from the goal, and Mark Hendricks waltzed in alone on Celenski and roofed a shot glove side to give the Soviets their first lead of the game.

"That was a great rush," Beege said. "I stayed back a bit and watched it develop, and it was textbook. The four of us (Kelley and the three Hendricks brothers) really became a dynamic line in the third. Normally I'm used to scoring goals, but with the other three guys I was with I played more defense. It was a change. Oh, and I am also the new team enforcer. Yeah, I guess you could pretty much say I'm the most important player out there, go Beege!"

The Shockers would try and muster offense late in the game, but the damage was done. The Soviets continued to dominate the possession game, and when Mark Hendricks tacked on his fifth of the game, the final minute became a formality. It was over. Three consecutive championships in a row. Dynasty.

"I feel great... it feels great," Schram said. "It really hit me when I was ordering my championship shirt and I said to the guy, 'No, I have a red one. Oh, I have a black one too. We don't have white do we?' We've really dominated for nearly a year now. Run it back baby! Run it back!"

One of the first orders of business following the game was a phone call to Dysentery Gary Scott Hoefer, who of course, was proud of his Comrades, and offered these words of advice, "I love winning." He also added, "Jess' family is passed out on the floor right now, I may have made the margaritas a bit too strong."

For now, the Red Army players can enjoy the brief off season. Before this blog heads into its off season though, I thought I'd leave you with one last thought: Since November 1, 2009, no team has been able to eliminate the Red Army.

Dynasty, boys, Dynasty.

THREE STARS:
3: The Fanbase
2: Tony Horton, Ryan Odell, Brad Lotocki
1: Ben Breiterman, Steve Hand, Brian Hendricks, Mark Hendricks, Neal Hendricks, Scott Hoefer, Drew Kelley, Pat King, Andy Schram, Jamie Simek

Run It Back

Games like tonight afford journalists the opportunity to over-hype. Brief, spine-tingling inducing quips like "do or die", "fight or flight", or, "now or never" litter the headlines. It's the garage sale of pump-up. It's also very apt. Tonight at 9:00 pm, the Red Army will play the Shockers. The winner of the game caps off three hardworking months of the year with a championship. The loser joins seven other teams on a list of clubs that ultimately failed in their quest for glory.

Oh, was that more than three words?

For the Red Army, they've created and established a culture of winning. In their first championship, they wowed everyone with a miracle run to the finals and an even more impressive sweep of the #1 ranked Puck Ewes. The following season they proved many doubters wrong when they repeated as champions despite a shaky season. This season they squeaked by into the finals again and find themselves three periods of hockey away from a third banner. At a certain point, one which could occur tonight, even the most skeptical of critics would have to have the enlightening epiphany that, "Hey, these guys aren't lucky...they're good."

But let's not focus on championships, parades, and parties. Let's focus on what the Comrades have seemed so intently focused on the past three seasons: not being eliminated. Let me hit you with some knowledge. In the past three seasons, the Red Army has faced elimination nine times. Their record in those nine games? 9-0. The Cryptic Stench have had the most opportunities with three, but lost all three games by slim margins (two were one goal affairs). The Shockers and Grenades have each had a pair of chances to knock off the Soviets but failed as well. The other two teams, Hogstachio Pistachio and Prestige Worldwide, also had a crack at the Russians in the playoffs, but, and stop me if you've heard this before, both fell short by one goal. What more can you say? These guys have a severe allergy to death.

Of course, we're not going to pump too much air into the Soviet tires because for all we know, tonight could be the let down. The Shockers could exorcise past demons and annihilate the Red Army 25-3. Fans, coaches, and players alike could chalk it up to the aggregate fatigue that accumulates from playing so many games over the course of a year, and they could still hold their heads high and raise their glasses even higher, laughing as they toast each other, saying things like, "Well, the run was nice, but we can't win 'em all." Because you can't.

But this team, the team that is on the verge of making it three consecutive championship seasons, doesn't get to chalk anything up. They don't get to because they've shown everyone what they're capable of doing, and anything less than a win tonight is a failure. It is do or die. It is now or never.

Tonight, it is time to run it back.

You Earned It

With last night's win the Comrades earned at least one more weekend to salivate over dreams of the three-peat. To help them enjoy tonight and tomorrow night, I thought I'd give them a little music that should only, in the rarest of occasions, be played. Today is one of those occasions, because, well, after the earthquake and such, it just feels right. Go ahead and tubthump the day away Comrades.

WARNING: If you click on the above link, you will have this song stuck in your head the remainder of the day and possibly weekend. Consult a physician if the music continues to persist in your head after four days. No women who are pregnant should listen to the song.

Soviets Tie Series; One Win from Third Straight Title

It was the nine man effort the Soviets were looking for. There was puck possession on offense, stingy defense, and stellar goaltending. It was a three headed monster. Yes, there were let downs and gaffs at times, and yes it was close, but the Red Army played well enough to win, and that's what matters. Ten notes about Thursday's contest, one which forced a decisive game three on Sunday:

• The Iron Curtain. Andy Schram was phenomenal. He out-dueled Chris Celenski in net and absolutely stood on his head at times. He was a sponge, swallowing up loose rebounds in the crease and absorbed shot after shot into his glove. His normal weak spot, the breakaway, was a strength, as he shut the door numerous times on Shocker odd man rushes. Make no mistake about it, he was the number one star, and it wasn't even close.
• Drew Kelley played his best game as a Comrade. He had a goal and an assist and was a force in the defensive end. He refused to let Shockers by him easily and upped his physicality. He also picked his shots wiser this game, and the Motherland reaped all of the benefits.
• Drought over! Mark Hendricks finally scored his first goal of the playoffs early in the first period. Then he scored his second later in the middle frame. His first goal was a sight for sore eyes, as he finagled a loose puck through a defender's legs, then took the puck to his backhand and out waited Celenski before potting one upstairs. His second was less pretty, but equally valuable, as he corralled a rebound and fired one seven hole. Both goals elicited celebrations by a man who had been frustrated for too long.
• #57. Pat King did exactly what he needed to do for the Red Army to be victorious. He was the benefactor of a fortuitous bounce after he threw the puck to the net, as the puck ricocheted off a defenseman and snuck five hole. He added an assist on one of Mark's tallies, helped in shutting down Loges, and had a beautiful shot block late in the second period. Picking up the slack when a guy like Scott Hoefer is out of the lineup, Patty Cakes was a monster. Though, he did hit Mark with a slap shot to the shoulder. Those two need to stop taking each other out with friendly fire. Stop it.
• The Captain. Steve Hand played like an inspired leader tonight. He fore-checked hard, back-checked hard, skated hard, and drove the net hard. Him and Neal Hendricks put on clinics in the offensive zone for long stretches of time, and the Cap'n even buried a rebound with a roofer. Surprise, surprise... it ended up being the old GWG.
• Jamie Simek stepped up his play big time tonight. He was a solid defenseman who could be trusted to stay back. He chose when and where to join the rush wisely and he was seldom beat. You just can't get enough of that in a series like that. If he happens to miss Sunday's game, he will be sorely missed.
• Benny Boy continued his usual antics, factoring into a few goals and registering a goal and an assist. He also was part of "Operation Stop Loges" and picked up where he left on on Tuesday night, racking up four penalty minutes.
  
• Beege was also a solid defender, and though he all know he has a great offensive upside, he opted to play the more defensive game tonight, and it was to the Shockers' dismay. Beege out-muscled players in front and used his speed to break out the puck. Despite always lobbying to play offense, he seems to know how to help the team win.
• And his twin brother Neal, well, he has the performance many were waiting for. He was confident with the puck and quick on the trigger. He was a monster in the corners and dominated possession at times. He still has the tendency to over-pass at times, but if he plays like that again on Sunday, I like the Red Army's chances.
• Let's see, there's got to be one more important thing to note here. Hmmm... oh wait, yes, yes I remember. One more win and it's a dynasty.
  

Time to Operate

The season is on life support. It's strapped to a bed in a sterile hospital room, hooked up to machines that beep a symphony of dull, empty notes, and surrounded by doctors who continue to alternate glances between their clipboards and the unchanging graphs on the computers. It's gloomy. The priest is in the elevator.

Folks, the margin of error is zero. We're one mistake from crossing over to the other side. One mistake from traveling to the rink in the sky. One mistake from our season dying. But we aren't going into the light just yet. No, because we are in the operating room, not the morgue, and that's more than seven other teams can say.

That's right, there have been seven other teams that have perished this season, and we're still here. And the season before? Another seven fell, most of which at our hands, while we remained standing. And the season before that? Eleven collapsed on the battlefield, but our knees never buckled. We're here because we earned it. We haven't died yet, and though we've taken shots to the ribs during the last three seasons, and been battered and beaten, our pulses, unlike every other team in the league, never went out. We got up every time. Then after we dusted ourselves off, we threw them to the ground.

There is life here. Ignore the medical opinions. Put the black suits back on their hangers and in the closets. Park the black cars. It's not over, it never is. The Shockers biggest mistake this season was one they couldn't control-- they didn't kill us on Tuesday. We're still here, and before anyone gives us our last rites, we have some serious ass to kick.

"We are not out of it. We will be better. There will be a game three." -Mark Hendricks

Song of the Day

And, because some of you didn't appreciate the music yesterday, here is one we can all agree on. It's especially apt today.

Advantage Shockers

Last night was, for lack of a better term, humbling. The Red Army expected to skate to an easy win and take a 1-0 series lead. Instead, the Shockers, with only four skaters and a goalie, not only beat the Comrades, they gave them an old fashioned beat down in front of a sold out Plex. By the score of 7-2, this series became an entirely different animal-- an animal the Comrades thought was extinct.

Here are ten notes from the ugliness that was last night:

• Andy Schram did not have his best game. Yes, there were plenty of defensive let downs, yes there were plenty of chances for Loges in tight, and yes there were plenty of odd man rushes. But, in the past he has made some of those saves. He'll need to be better next game if the Comrades want to extend this series.
• Paging Mark Hendricks, paging Mark Hendricks... The leading scorer of the team has still yet to register a goal in the playoffs and has been a minus rating in each game. He's forcing things, passing when he should shoot, and shooting when he should pass. He's picking a terrible time of year to start slumping. How about a slump busting performance? Or just a... non-terrible performance?
• Having five defensemen is tough. The lines are scrambled, players don't get as much playing time, and chemistry doesn't always exist. Still, on paper, the five defensemen are all solid and there is nary a weak link in the group. Something has got to change for that corps.
• The lone positive of the night though may have come courtesy of the defense as both goals the Comrades scored came off of defensive player's sticks. Ben Breiterman scored on a nice in tight move and Scott Hoefer on a high wrist shot. Oh, and Brian "Beege" Hendricks absolutely leveled Loges near center. That was a good hit; penalty. Cathartic really.
  
• Going to the net and cycling. Pat King and Steve Hand are the two Soviets who do the most net crashing, and last night, it was a combination of things that went wrong. For one, when the Comrades did have possession in the Shockers zone, the front of the net was vacant. Then, when there was a guy in front of the net, the Soviets lost possession. Square peg in a round hole.
• Let's talk about possession, or lack thereof. If the opposition only has four skaters, there is absolutely no reason a team shouldn't be able to have their way with the puck. Instead, it seemed like every time the Soviets got the puck it was a one man effort and they would play into the Shockers plan. Slow things down, set things up, and work from there.
• Neal Hendricks better pick up his game this series. There is no explanation really, no in depth analysis of his game, and he didn't really play poorly, but when Breiterman only has one goal, Mark has zero, the next guy you look to is Neal. A goose egg doesn't help when the big guns aren't scoring.
• All shots are good shots, but better shots are better shots. We preach shots, and in no sport other than hockey is the saying more true than "any shot is a good shot." Still, when you are playing a stingy defense and a hot goalie, sometimes your shots need to be labeled. There were plenty of great scoring chances, but most of the Soviets shots came without traffic in front and right into Celenski's catching glove. The Comrades need to get him moving post to post, make him feel uncomfortable, and maybe open things up with a few odd man rushes of their own. It's a lot to order, but I'll take it all.
• It was a bit of a physical game, but I think the Comrades can up it a few more notches. It's a series, a series they are now losing. Play like it next game. Every lose puck needs to be fought for, every battle in front of the net should be heated, and every time there is a chance to play the body, they should play the body. I'm not advocating cheap shots and penalties, but there is a way to play in the confines of the rules while still making it tough for the opponents. Get there.
• Finally, and this is the most important note of the night, the Comrades lost game one, but they didn't lose the series. The sun still rose today and we're still here. They know they have to adjust and there is no reason to think they won't. It's another game where the Comrades are facing elimination, and their record in the last three seasons is pretty good when facing elimination (8-0). They've been here before, they can do it again.

Article about tomorrow's game to come later tonight or tomorrow morning. It will be of the pump-up variety.

The Finals: Red Army vs The Shockers

Tonight, at 7:00 pm EST, the Red Army will face-off against their arch-rivals, the Shockers, for game one of a best of three series. For the Shockers, it is their first finals appearance in several seasons and a chance to dethrone the two time reigning champions. For the Comrades, it's a chance to put the proverbial exclamation point on a dynasty.

What are the keys to the game? Players to watch? 'Help us out, Barry!' you cry from your cubicle, tapping F5 on your keyboard repeatedly while double and triple checking the clock. Well cool your jets I say to you, because I got you covered...AND... as an added bonus, I've even riddled the keys with puns, sexual innuendo, and jokes that most of your aunts wouldn't understand but would still laugh at politely.

KEYS TO THE GAME
Shockers:

- All three in the stink: If the Shockers are going to have any chance of winning this game and series, they are going to need to stay out of the box. At the rate the Soviet power play is converting, a string of penalties would be catastrophic.

- Don't blow their Loges: He is undoubtedly their best threat to score, and anytime he touches the puck he is dangerous. Still, it doesn't matter if the Shockers have a depleted line up or four lines, he won't be successful if he tries to take it one on four every time. He needs to be patient and wait for his chances.

- Wear protection: It's going to be a physical game, we know that. But this isn't referencing the physical aspect of these two teams' games. This is a warning to whoever dresses in goal for the Shockers tonight and Thursday and maybe Sunday. The Soviets have a lot of guys who can puck the put in the back of the net, and if the Shockers want to have any chance of canceling a parade in Moscow, their best player better be their goalie.

Red Army:
(Because Red Army analysis is always more fun, and I'm still feeling groovy from the best concert to ever grace the DMV region last night, I think we should jam out. So if you want to maximize your R.A.D. experience, click this, and read the rest of the article while rocking out).

- "The hardest thing to do in sports is win when you're supposed to." The Soviets enter this series as the clear cut favorites. It's a different emotion entering this final, perhaps one bordering on cocky. The Soviets can play with swagger, but they should be aware that the higher seeds lose more than they win in the playoffs. Last season the top four seeds went out in the first round. This season the final four seeds were ranked #2, #5, #6, and #9. It's not easy being a high seed, and the Soviets better be prepared.

- Starry Night: The Red Army lineup is stocked full of talent. They have guys that stick handle, guys that shoot, guys that crash the net, guys that block shots, and guys that dominate the corners. Everyone on the Red Army chips in during the playoffs, just look at the Captain's first two games this postseason, but the lifeblood of the team will always be Ben Breiterman and Mark Hendricks. If those two get going early, it opens everything up.

- Defense wins championships: It isn't all goal scoring though, it's about preventing goal scoring. 5-3, 5-4, 5-4, 4-3. Do you know what those are? Those are the scores of all four championship series games that the Red Army has won in the last two seasons. I'll do the math for you: 3.5 GAA. A lot of credit goes to Andy Schram of course, he is the workhorse, but it's a team game, and guys like Scott Hoefer, Beege, and Jamie Simek will also have to be stout defensively if they want to keep those gaudy numbers up. And, as always, the offense has to back check too, but you never know what you're going to get from those four.



There are the keys. I think it's safe to say how the R.A.D. feels about this series. For the Shockers to win, they need a lot to go their way, mostly great goaltending. That doesn't mean it won't happen though (see: Capitals vs Canadiens). The Red Army has to ignore the seeds and press and just remember that it's a hockey game more than anything else. And more than anything else, it's business as usual.

Two more wins to go, let's do the damn thing.

The Day After; The Day Before

Last night, the Soviets defeated Hogstachio Pistachio 4-3 to advance to the championship series, where, tomorrow night, they will face the Shockers in the first game of a best of three series. Today... well, there's not much happening. But, that doesn't mean we can't pass along a few quotes of note from this morning's media day at the Doubletree Hotel which is just across the street from the Plex.

What is the team's feelings about this season's championship? Are the nerves still there or do you feel more confident knowing you've been here before?

"I think we're keeping it pretty low key. For sure there's going to be nerves, I mean, you could play 10 years and go to the championship every time, but you're still going to be nervous, it's what you played all season for." -Steve Hand

"For me, it's my first championship series, so I'm definitely nervous. I just need to focus on playing one shift at a time. And not cutting my hair. I also need to focus on that." -Brian "Beege" Hendricks

"Nervous? Not at all. Tipsy? Absolutely." -Pat King

In the first championship you guys were big underdogs and in last season's finals you were also counted out by several analysts, especially after being shelled in game one. How do you feel about entering this championship as the clear favorite?

"I think if we start thinking we're going to win it easily, we'll get into trouble. You have to always play hard, regardless of the competition. Even when I would shoot around with children at the daycare I worked at, I was always stick checking and throwing elbows to keep up the intensity. Can't let that fire go out." -Mark Hendricks

"I'm not sure you could call us favorites. We went 1-1 against these guys this season, and yeah, they won't have Nick Peters in the series, but they didn't have him last season when we played them in the playoffs and we barely beat them then. They match up well against us, and they play a physical game, we'll have to play our system to be successful. It's not going to be a cakewalk. -"Jamie Simek

"Who said cake?" -Heather Hillary

There is always something new to be accomplished, and though it may be a stretch, is it exciting to consider that you guys would be the first team in franchise history to three-peat?

"Hmmm (laughter) I think it's exciting to continue to set new benchmarks for the franchise. It's not something you think about heading into the series, but after it's over, maybe it's one more thing to cheers to while taking a shot of vodka from a ram's horn... before vomiting a bit of course." - Scott Hoefer

"Three-peating would be great. Almost as great as this discounts you can save by having some solar panels installed on your roof today. My name is Ben Breiterman, and I am here to offer you the deal of a lifetime. Now I know what you're thinking, 'Ben, why would I want to have solar panels installed on my roof when I'm quite happy with my current electric company?' Well did you know that over a three year period you would save over $2,500. Not only that, but the panels are insured for life, and as long as their is a sun in the sky, there will be lights in your house." -Ben Breiterman

"For me, it's a special one. It's my last season for a few months, so I want to win. Sure I'll be back every now and again on breaks and such, but it would be a pretty sweet going away present. I'm going to miss it, not the bruises, but the winning." -Andy Schram


Fill in the blank, "For the Red Army to be victorious in this series, they will have to ______"

"Control the puck." -Neal Hendricks

"Outscore the Shockers at least two times." -Steve Hand

"Crash the net and bang hos." -Pat King

"Dominate the special teams game." -Mark Hendricks

"Block shots." -Scott Hoefer

"Have longer, curlier hair." -Brian "Beege" Hendricks

"Invest in an eco-friendly way to provide electricity to their homes." -Ben Breiterman

"Continue to play the way they're playing." -Andy Schram

"Summon the strength of their inner samurai." -Jamie Simek

"Have a louder cheering section." -Drew Kelley




Alright, that's the news to pass along today. Tomorrow we should have a full preview up, but no promises.

Two from Three: Red Army 4, Hogstachio Pistachio 3

Tonight, the Red Army defeated Hogstachio Pistachio 4-3 and are now two wins away from three-peating as division champions. The game was a real nail biter (isn't every Red Army playoff game?) but in the end, the guys from the Motherland showed that they have ice in their veins... and at least two more games to play. Here's ten quick notes before I hit the hay:

• Let's start by giving credit where credit is due: Hogstachio Pistachio. Here's a team that finished dead last in the standings before upsetting the #1 seeded Puck Ewes and giving the two time defending champions a run for their money. Without Tony Horton, Brad Lotocki, and Ryan Odell, the Red Army would have gone out in round one, so if lightning does happen to strike a third time, those three are invited to the party. It will be great to have them back next season, along with newly converted Muscovite Pete Collis. Well done boys, well done.
• On the Red Army front, there is plenty of praise to go around as well, and why not begin with the man who made the shot-block of the season: Scott Hoefer. With less than 10 seconds remaining, after Ryan Odell absolutely froze Mark Hendricks and waltzed in alone on Andy Schram, Hoefer lunged and barely got enough of the puck to deflect it above the goal. If that blocked shot doesn't happen, overtime does.
• Of course, Andy Schram was his usual playoff self, stopping a barrage of shots and only yielding three goals. His record in post season play has now improved to 10-1.
• I'm not sure what is going on with the goal scoring this post season, but there has been a plethora of "half goals". Half goals are always credited in pairs and are awarded when players aren't sure whether or not there was a deflection on the play. In the first game of the playoffs, it was Pat King and Ben Breiterman. Tonight, it was Mark Hendricks and Drew Kelley on a ridiculous deflection that Hendricks may or may not have tipped. Then later it was Steve Hand and Neal Hendricks on a wacky bounce that may or may not have caromed off of Hand's skate and in. I guess it's a good thing when you're getting scoring from everyone, even if the goals are in fraction form.
• Ben Breiterman had a pair goals that counted as two whole integers. One while on the power play courtesy of the buzz bomb and one on the doorstep courtesy of another buzz bomb. With a set of bombs like that don't be surprised to see him hit on himself after a few drinks.
• Mark Hendricks had a quiet night and was shut down for the most part. Though the sniper wasn't able to provide the offense he normally does, he still chipped in with a pair of drawn penalties, either a goal or an assist (depends on if he tipped the shot or not), and a great play to end the game where he dove on the puck in the corner and killed the few remaining seconds. Oh, and wait, this can't be right, can it? It says here on the stat sheet that he was credited with a blocked shot while shorthanded. I suppose hell has frozen over.
• The foursome that did the most damage was Hand, Breiterman, and the twins. Any time they were out there good things were happening for the Comrades. Beege had a solid game and finished with a season high 6 shots, Breiterman finished with a game high +3 rating, and Hand and Neal did work in the corners, the front of the net, and anywhere else that had a blue tiled floor.
• King was limited to few opportunities as well (undoubtedly a integral part of the Hogstachio Pistachio game plan was stopping #57 and #18), but he found other ways to be productive. He was especially potent in the face-off circle which led to several high quality scoring chances. The fact that he won more face-offs than he lost is amazing, considering he plays for a team whose aggregate face-off percentage hovers around 13%.
• Fun fact: In the last three seasons, the Red Army has won 10 playoff games. Their plus/minus in those ten games? Plus 14 (58 goals for, 44 goals against). They have won seven of those games by one goal, two games by two goals, and one game by three goals. Damn.
• Two more wins gets us three... in a row.

I'll post the gamer tomorrow which of course will be replete with quotes, analysis, and puns. For now, rest up, there's still plenty of hockey to be played.

Soviet Censorship

I had planned on writing a pre-game preview today with all of the bells and whistles-- players to watch, keys to the game, predictions... the works. It was while I was drafting the aforementioned keys in my head during mass that it dawned on me: I can't do a preview, our enemy knows this URL.

But Barry, when we played Prestige Worldwide, you posted lengthy articles about the match ups. Prestige knows the website and could check it too and anticipate strategy. How is that any different from today?

Woah woah woah, I'll be asking the questions around here.

I'm opting not to do a preview because I'm lazy, and the World Cup is about to start, and I have to run to the bank, get a haircut, and drink some coffee, but mostly, and remember this is the most important part, I'm not doing a preview because it's 1:23 pm and the odds of anyone checking the blog between now and game time is very slim.




But I am a sucker for predictions, so 8-4 Red Army.

Hand's Tally in Overtime Vaults Comrades into Round Two

The details about last night's game are hazy, and though I could attempt to write an article by piecing the few bits of information I know together, that would require more effort than I currently possess. Also, the ocean is seducing me. What I'll do in this article is make public the text updates I got from my inside sources last night. So without further ado, and courtesy of Verizon Wireless, here is the first (and most likely only) installment of: Texts (about the Red Army) from Last Night.


"Hello creeper how'd you get my number? Yes im here it's 5 to 4. Cryptic is up 8:20 left in the game." 9:49 pm, from Jenny McLaughlin.

"It's 5-5." 9:52 pm, from Jenny Mclaughlin.

Editors note: At this point, Neal, Brian, and Mark Hendricks were all seated at the end of a table at a buffet anxiously waiting the results, and this text caused a plethora of high fives, hoots, hollers, and strange looks from southerners who undoubtedly don't understand what hockey, let alone roller hockey, is. It also piqued the interest of Peter Sr.

"Hahaha... tied 5-5 with 2:58 left." 9:55 pm, from Louis Wesley.

Editor's note: This was in response to a text message Mark Hendricks had sent his coworker a few minutes earlier saying, "How's my team doing? If you ever want more of my hours you are going to make sure the Red Army advances. You're not going to call that trip!?! Come on Lou!"

"Still tied at 5. It's gonna be gay if you all play hogstachio though." 9:58 pm, from Jenny McLaughlin.

Editor's Note: Playoff Sausage Fest!

"Yeah im sure u dont care lol. Yes, overtime." 10:00 pm, from Jenny McLaughlin.

Editor's Note: Tony can never know what she was referencing in that first segment of the text.

"I better get a write up on the digest for being your commentator, and the winner is...." 10:05 pm, from Jenny Mclaughlin.

"6-5 red army in OT." 10:06 pm from Louis Wesley.

"The red army." 10:08 pm from Jenny Mclaughlin.

Editor's Note: Now outside of the restaurant, Neal, Brian, and Mark began hugging and jumping around before Beege stopped and said, "I'm going running tomorrow now, got to get into playoff shape."

"Ot..." 10:09 pm, from Pat King

"Ot" 10:09 pm, from Scott Hoefer

"Ot" 10:10 pm, from Andy Schram

Editor's Note: The plot thickens. At this juncture, Mark sent a text to a few of the players saying congratulations and that he had heard that they had won.

"Who said we won? Hogstache won..." 10: 12 pm, from Scott Hoefer

Editor's Note: Mark sent another text asking who got the OT winner in the Red Army game.

"Tarn got it." 10:12 pm, from Scott Hoefer

Editor's Note: After Mark admitted to Scott that had had been getting updates from Louis and Jenny during the game, Scott, and other players, began their post game analysis.

"Handy jacked the winner." 10:15 pm, from Scott Hoefer

"2 on 1 with Brad, deflection shot top cheese left shoulder. I pulled an Ovie with the huge yell and double arm pump." 10:23 pm, from Steve Hand

"All goals by Ben, last one by Steve." 10:29 pm, from Scott Hoefer

"Ben had four, pat had one." 10:31 pm, from Steve Hand

"We weren't too sharp IMO, they outshot us. Solid defensively though for most of it, I'm excited for Hogstachio, start your stretches now." 11:28 pm, from Andy Schram

"I had 4.5, pat had 1. Steve got the OT winner." 11:51 pm, from Ben Breiterman

"Pat claims he tipped my slapshot on the PP. Erroneous!" 12:27 am, from Ben Breiterman.

Editor's Note: Sounds like Pat.

So there is the game as I saw it. If anyone has any other important information, write it in the comment section or text me, and I will add it in. Other than that, I guess it's important to note that there are now only four teams remaining. Three more wins until three in a row. Rest up comrades, there's a lot of hockey to be played yet.

Quest for Three Starts Tonight

With postseason play set to begin tonight and the collective nerves and heart rates of Soviet fans across the Motherland set to rise, I deemed it appropriate to blog. It's therapeutic, it's cathartic, and it's a haven for my brain to focus on something other than the sunburn that has ravaged my back. Yes, had my skin resembled what it does now just one week ago, many bar patrons would have wanted to pummel me for supporting Ghana. But I digress.

Segueing from an American soccer team that lost in the first round to a Soviet hockey team that hopefully won't lose in the first round, the Soviets face-off against the Cryptic Stench at 9:00 pm tonight to kickoff what many hope will be another championship season. In years past the Red Army has disposed of the Stench quickly and easily, and in fact, defeated them twice en route to both championships. This match up however very well may prove to be the most difficult-- there are gaps in the Soviet lineup, big gaps.

Mark, Brian, and Neal Hendricks will all be absent from tonight's contest as the three are enjoying a week-long vacation in South Carolina. The team, which at times has leaned on the Hendricks connection to supply the offense, will have to band together and realize that for tonight, with the season on the line, no help is coming. Make their own chances and finish... or be finished.

Still, for as much as the Comrades will be missing, they will have with them a heavy supply of talent and, more importantly, heart in tonight's lineup. Ben Breiterman, Steve Hand, Scott Hoefer, and Andy Schram all have two championships under the belts. Jamie Simek has one and Drew Kelley is thirsty for his first. The team has learned to win, and though we may not see #18, #5, or #7 out there, that doesn't mean we won't be expecting a win.

"Some teams have better attitudes than others," Tom the Ref said while conducting a phone interview on Wednesday. "I was reffing a game with Mark the other night and it was a two goal game with 90 seconds to play. I was asking him if he thought the comeback was possible, and right away he said, 'Yeah, of course. Anything is possible.' It got me thinking, I've reffed a lot of games, but the only team that ever completes the comebacks is the Red Army. Sure there have been games where teams almost come back or tie it and then lose it late, but the Red Army, for one reason or another, always seems to believe they can win. Teams write them off at their own peril."

The Red Army's work ethic, that Soviet work ethic, is well noted throughout the league, and even refs are taking notice. At times this season it's been absent, other times present, and most times tardy. The Soviets need 45 minutes (and maybe more) of hard work, because with or without a handful of Hendri in the lineup, skill alone doesn't win playoff games.

So, without further ado, I provide the keys to tonight's contest for the Red Army:

1) Pucks and bodies to the net. In the playoffs, this is needed. It's simple, yet at times, teams seem bent on not doing it. Guys like Hand and King really seem to elevate their game this time of year, and if the Comrades want to advance, expect a healthy dosage of this from them.

2) The Iron Curtain. Schram has solidified himself as a playoff performer. I guess we just want him to be his playoff self. Then again, don't hang him out to dry, defense. Let him see the puck and he'll stop it.

3) Benny Boy and Hoefer. With so much offense missing from tonight's game, Breiterman is going to have to push the puck more than he normally would. Because of that, he's going to need a safety valve he can rely on in case he turns it over. That valve is Hoefer. These two need to be on the same page and if they are, like they have been so often, they are the best pairing in the league... hands down.


So, it's simple. Win and keep playing, lose and it's over. Sure, it will be tough, but crazier things have happened... like, say, us being four wins from a three-peat.

Let's make it three.

Tuxedo Back on Soviet Soil; Comrades Lock Up 2nd Seed

On Thursday night, the Red Army played its most important season finale game in the storied franchise's history. Playoff positioning, stat records, and the Soviet Tuxedo were all up for grabs in game 14, and the Soviets, taking a page out of the FedEx handbook, delivered.

"I'm so proud of the guys right now," Captain Steve Hand said. "To play that way tonight, a full 45 minute effort really, it just... it's one of those moments where as captain you just have to smile. Obviously something I said fired them up. Perhaps it was about the over sized dinner I ate before playing today, I do recall talking about that. Who knew that telling the guys that I was stuffed would get them to play that way? Looks like it's another five course meal for round one. Ah, the things I do for this team."

As inspirational an effort it was for the Soviets, the game seemed to be going in favor of Prestige Worldwide for much of the game. In the opening minute, a missed opportunity for the Soviets resulted in an odd man break the other way, and Mike Dignazio was able to fire a low wrist shot that beat Andy Schram five hole.

The Soviets responded though, when self proclaimed loser-hater Scott Hoefer out muscled a defenseman in front and jammed home a loose rebound on the doorstep. The goal came on a powerplay.

"Those two minutes that we were trailing...agonizing," Hoefer said. "I hate losing, and every second I spend not winning, is a second of intense self loathing. Unfortunately for opponents, I like to take out my frustration...to, let's just say... make things right. I fix things, really."

The Prestigious Ones tallied to take the lead back following another Soviet failed chance. After Neal Hendricks' shot in front was blocked, the rebound was picked up by the Tuxedos and rushed ahead for a shot that beat Schram top shelf where I don't make analogies for opponents.

Prestige Worldwide had a chance to increase their lead later in the period when Jamie Simek was whistled for tripping. Their powerplay however, only provided Mark Hendricks with more space on the rink to operate. After blocking a seam pass, Mark Hendricks rushed up the rink while Beege collected the puck and hit his older brother in full stride, creating a one on one with the last defender from the red line in. Mark Hendricks used the defender as a screen and fired a snap shot just inside the post past the unsuspecting Sean Hanley, and tied the game up.

"Not going to lie, probably my favorite goal of the year," Mark Hendricks said. "To finally be involved in a goal where it started with me playing defense, I mean we were shorthanded too, it just, it uhhh, just.... no words."

The seesaw affair (which I continue to defend as an excellent band name) continued as Prestige scored a goal in the waning moments of the first. Their only mistake it seemed on the play, was leaving too much time on the clock. Off the ensuing face-off, Ben Breiterman, realizing the game was 14 minutes and 25 seconds old and his name had yet to enter the stat sheet, quickly remedied that problem. The defender got on his horse and carried the puck up the gut from inside his own zone all the way into PW's slot (a place that the Red Army ravaged over and over and over and over). The initial shot was saved but Breiterman followed his rebound and jammed it home just seconds before the period ended.

"I think we were happy where we were after one period, tied at three," Breiterman said. "The first was really wide open and normally in games like that, PW tends to score more goals than we do, so we were happy to be tied because we knew that we could play our system. Plus, that goal was dedicated to the 40 year old woman from Ballroom."

Prestige scored early in the second frame to take the lead. Little did they know it would be their last lead of the game. Mark Hendricks tied the game moments later when he followed up his own shot and jammed a rebound in. On the same shift, Pat King fed Mark Hendricks with an outlet pass and the two time reigning points champion proved why he had that title, firing home a high wrist shot through a screen that gave the Comrades their first lead of the game.

The Soviets didn't waste the opportunity to add to their lead two minutes later when a PW forward slashed Neal Hendricks. The powerplay unit went on, and for lack of a better term, did work. With Simek setting a screen in front, King, Breiterman, and Mark Hendricks worked the perimeter. After a few rebound attempts by Simek went awry, Simek sent Hendricks the puck and Hendricks quickly fired a feed across to Breiterman who had activated from his point. Breiterman did his best rapper impression and ordered a shot of Patron, which as we all know, is located top shelf.

"A lot of the credit on that goal has to go to Jimma Jam," Breiterman said. "He was a samurai down there."

"I really liked playing in front," Simek said. "My ancestors would be proud."

The game entered the third period with the Red Army leading 6-4, and during intermission, Beege changed his skates. With a different pair of skates on, he decided to take over the game.

After a long shift in the offensive zone, Mark Hendricks dropped a pass to Beege in the corner and Beege skated around the PW net. He hit the brakes and reversed his path to circle back out from behind the net. Instead of wrapping a shot though, he gave King, who had found a soft spot in the high slot, a crisp pass, and King fired a low wrist shot five hole to increase the lead to three.

"The play was butter," King said. "It was as sweet as my fictional [female reproductive organ]."

On the following shift, Beege again had the puck behind the net in the offensive zone, and again, capitalized. He sent a centering pass from behind the net intended for his twin brother Neal, but the puck hit a defender's skate and deflected off of it and into the top portion of the net.

"I'm not sure how that went top shelf, but I will take it. Some world cup magic perhaps? Beeeeeeeeege!" Beege said.

"This better not be like your Gordie Howe hat trick, in that we are going to hear about it for weeks," Neal said.

Prestige still had some fight left in them, and scored to make it 8-5, and then while shorthanded, 8-6. But, as everyone in hockey knows, to give up a powerplay goal on the same penalty after scoring shorthanded is a cardinal sin, and just 30 seconds after the Prestigious Ones had made it a two goal game, Breiterman, a Jew, sent them to confession. His slap shot from the point went top shelf where... wait for it.... the Red Army now keeps the Soviet Tuxedo trophy.

With a final score of 9-7, the Soviets clinched the 2nd seed and won back the trophy. A successful night to cap off the regular season, and perhaps, serve as a spring board for entering post season play. For now, only one thing is certain.

"We're right back where we want to be," Schram said. "In the playoffs."

THREE STARS:
#3: Jamie Simek
#2: Beege
#1: Ben Breiterman

Red Army vs Prestige Worldwide, Act Two

Tonight's game between the Red Army and Prestige Worldwide features more plots, subplots, and sub-subplots than the entire second season of Lost (yes, now that I've begun watching the critically acclaimed show I can finally make the long anticipated references). We here at the R.A.D. originally planned on making a top ten list to have some fun with the season finale, but since our fixed budget gives us limiting funding, we could only afford three items. But hey, it's better than Leno, who would make no list and make us change our URL.

#3: Point Races
There is a lot of fire power in tonight's game, and with it, a lot of players whose stat ledger boasts some pretty gaudy numbers. In fact, three of the top four scorers in the division will be lacing them up at 10 pm EST tonight. Mike Dignazio leads the division with 40 points, Ben Breiterman is tied for 2nd with 39, and in 4th place with 37 points is the two time reigning points champion, Mark Hendricks. What's even more interesting is that never in the Red Army's history has a different player won the team scoring race when Mark Hendricks was on the roster. The way things are going, with Breiterman and Hendricks assisting on nearly all of each other's goals, it will be tough for Hendricks to gain two points on his comrade. Still, I think everyone in Comradeland is just hoping to see #1 and #2 be Red Army players, with the order being arbitrary.

#2: Playoff Seeding
Neither team tonight is locked into their playoff position. The Red Army needs a point to clinch the 2nd seed, while PW needs a win to move from 5th place to 4th place. Of course, for PW, they will play Daggermouth regardless of tonight's outcome, it's just a matter of who has home rink advantage, and, if you are someone who possesses any common sense, you know that that means absolutely nothing this time of the year.

#1: The Soviet Tuxedo
It's the second installment in this storied trophy's history, and both teams want it. A win tonight would ensure bragging rights through the off-season (unless the teams, like they normally do, meet in the postseason). The trophy will be in the building tonight, and as the Soviets have shown time and time again, when a prize (see: championship t-shirts) is in the building, the Soviets are tough to beat.



Tonight is more than a season finale. It's a playoff game before the playoffs. It's a time to make sure the good habits are shining and the bad habits are dead. I can't amp it up anymore, so I'll let Samuel L Jackson, a man of great wisdom, pump you up with this.