116!

2011 > 2010!

"But Barry", you say, "the last four articles were all short". Yes, that's true, but I just paid off my college education, so I'm allowed an afternoon of taking short cuts.

Wherever you go tonight, toast one for the R.A.D.... we earned it.

#Commendus

Red Army Involved in Free Agent Rumors

Rumors are circulating that the Red Army has entered contract talks with Aaron Duda, a three-time Norris Trophy winner. Stay tuned. We'll update here (or at Twitter) when more news breaks.

Red Army Digest Now on Twitter

Please follow us at @RedArmyDigest. You won't be disappointed!

Happy New Years

To all you loyal readers of the Digest, please have a safe and happy New Years!

And yes, this is an article.

Stefan Sopko Charged with Operating Connect-Five Ring in Bathroom

International leader assembler, Stefan Sopko, was arrested Friday afternoon after a sting operation caught Sopko red handed operating a connect-five ring with Jerry Sundusky's children in a Newark bathroom.

We will have more information as the story breaks.

Prestige Worldwide Wins Championship

It was not meant to be, Comrades.

Congratulations to Prestige Worldwide on winning a hard-fought series.

And Comrades, stay tuned for a post game article and a few post season muses.

It was a season well done boys, a season well done.

Last Game of the 2011

I wish I had more time to blog today, but it's been hectic at the office. So I can only say one thing: Let's do it, Comrades.

Comment-Turned-Post

Avid Digest reader and occasional commenter Ryan, commented on an earlier post that we feel was worthy of a post itself. For those of you keeping track at home, this is not Ryan's first comment-turned-post.

Enjoy.

Success: at any given moment, having won looking back.

Looking back today -right now- we can say this team has been a success. We all know that tomorrow is tomorrow and anything can happen, but to embrace successes of the past (heeding lessons learned in the experience) is to breed success in the future.

Also, having sex with success will breed success... unless you rape success. DON'T. Because success will go tell karma, and karma's all about that 'eye for an eye' principle. They'll come back all teamed up and fuck you right up in your ass (while revenge jerks off in the corner). And karma has a big ol' dick... Pretty tough to move on from.


Anyhow that's how success works.

-Ryan

Post-Noon Number: 6

The amount more of power plays that Prestige Worldwide has had thus far in the series. PW is 3 for 7 with the extra man, the Soviets are 0 for 1.

Muses on the Day Before

As I sit here in the bowels of the Red Army Digest building in downtown Moscow, I find my mind wandering off as I ponder philosophic queries that have piqued man's interest since the dawn of time. "What is the meaning of life?", "Are we really alone in the Universe?", and "How can I use the word 'bowels' in the opening sentence of this article and not have my editor nix it?".

The answers elude me, so I focus my pondering on something I'm more comfortable with-- Red Army hockey. It would appear that today is this holiday season's first eve, so to speak, as in 24 hours, the Red Army and Prestige Worldwide will face off in a hockey game to determine a champion.

One game.

There were 63 games played in the regular season, and so far nine games in the playoffs, for a total of 72 games leading up to tomorrow night. Game 73 determines it all.

The question that I've been getting in emails, texts, tweets, coffee shops, and orthodontist offices is this: Regardless of tomorrow night's outcome, has this Red Army season been a success?

The answers I have been hearing range.

Some fans think that this season was considered a success when the Soviets strung together seven straight victories. Some think that the playoff win over Trailside, a win which still has the city abuzz, clinched the "successful" benchmark. Others feel that staving off elimination in game two versus Prestige Worldwide was reason enough to celebrate.

Still, others, including some of Mother Russia's favorite sons, think that nothing can be deemed successful that doesn't include a banner.

"We're successful if we win," Ryan Odell said. "Anything short of a championship, be it a winless season or coming within one game of the championship, is still a failure."

Mike D'Ignazio agreed with Odell, though admitted the season had exceeded expectations.

"I guess I would say yes and no, regarding this season being a success," D'Ignazio said. "When we were 2-4, if you had told me we'd be in the game three of the championship, I'd say 'yeah, that's a successful season'. But the thing about expectations is that they are constantly evolving. When we won seven in a row, and even when we played Trailside really close in the final game of the season, I think the expectations changed from simply being competitive to maybe, 'hey, let's make something special here'."

Added D'Ignazio, "Speaking of making something special, I make great ravioli. Just saying."

So fans out there in the Motherland, has the season been a success already? Or do the Comrades need one more win to make it official?

I think renaissance man Pat King said it best this morning when he told a reporter this, "You don't tell your grandkids a story about almost winning, and you definitely don't leave your grandma around Ben Breiterman."

Post Noon Number: .500

The Red Army's win percentage in Thursday night games this season (2-2). The Soviets went 2-1 in the regular season, but lost in their only Thursday night playoff game. Prestige Worldwide is 4-2 overall, and 1-0 in the playoffs.

EDITOR'S NOTE: And we are officially running low on PNNs.

Chris Celenski: "We Will Beat You"

Breaking news: Goaltender Chris Celenski will suit up for PW on Thursday to play net for the team. Five minutes after joining the team for the series deciding game, he guaranteed a victory. "No way you clowns beat me again. It's ooooover."

Post-Noon Number: 4

The amount of goals the opposition has scored in every post-season victory for Red Army this playoffs.

Round 1: Red Army 6, Puck Ewes 4
Round 2: Red Army 8, Trailside 4
Round 3 (Game 2): Red Army 7, Prestige Worldwide 4

Soviets Push Series, and Season, to Brink

With a little more than three minutes remaining in regulation on Sunday night, Mark Hendricks chipped a puck past defenseman Jeff Dinkelmeyer near the Prestige Worldwide bench, raced in on goaltender Sean Hanley, and slid the puck five hole on a nifty backhand move. The goal reestablished the Soviets three goal lead and all but solidified the victory.

Three minutes later it was official, and the Red Army had fought off elimination for the third time this postseason, defeating Prestige Worldwide 7-4 to push the series, and season, to a decisive game three.

"We stayed out of the box tonight, that was the difference," Hendricks said. "We played with an edge, but in the confines of the rule book. At even strength, we outworked them. Last game we were in the box all game, tonight we stayed out of it, and you can see the difference."

Hendricks, who was assessed the game's only penalty-- a cross checking call midway through the third period-- now leads the team in penalties this postseason.

"My rule is I am allowed to take one penalty for every three goals I score. Thursday, I think I'll take two penalties."

Continued Hendricks, "See what I did there?"

Prestige opened the scoring in the first on a rebound. After Red Army goalie Kevin Durkin stopped a point shot with the tip of his glove, the puck deflected up into the air and behind Durkin, where a forward for Prestige tapped the puck into the net.

A few minutes later, the Soviets would tie it.

After regrouping near center, Hendricks took a feed from Pat King and raced wide into the offensive zone. With a defender taking away the option to cut to the crease, Hendricks fired a low snap shot that snuck five hole on Hanley to knot the game at one.

"That was a big goal," Jason White said. "Last game we didn't score until after it was 5-0. I liked our strategy this game of not waiting that long. Patience is a virtue, but I mean, come on. Let's get one in the first period at least."

Those two strikes would be the only tallies in the opening frame, and though the game was tied heading to the first intermission, for the Soviets it was a much needed win for their confidence.

"We got outworked in nearly every facet of the game on Thursday, and I think some of us had that mindset of 'How do you beat these guys?' So coming out tied after one made us feel a little better. Gave us some pep in our step. Speaking of pep, or P.E.P., what's your position?"

Simek then went into excruciating detail over what P.E.P. is and the varying levels of comfort each position affords the, for lack of a better term, diner.

Pat King broke the tie early in the second on a slap shot that neither the defenders or goalie saw. King unleashed the slap shot after Hendricks jarred the puck loose from a defender's skates who had just blocked Hendricks' shot. The puck slid out to King who was trailing the play, and King fired the puck while the other players on the rink were still working to dig out a phantom puck from the defender's equipment.

"I think I was the only one who knew where the puck was," King said. "It was a fluke play, but you gotta take what you can get. Unless it's AIDS, it's pretty easy to get that. Try not to take that."

Moments later, Ryan Odell would join the party, as the defender extended his goal scoring streak to ten games on a top-shelf wrist shot on a three-on-one rush.

"I saw [Hendricks] and [King] cut to the net, and I think both the defenseman and goalie thought I would pass it off," Odell said. "But I saw some daylight above that shoulder, and the way things have been going for me lately, I had to shoot. Everything I touch turns to gold. Literally."

Odell then demonstrated as he turned the Dulles Sportsplex water fountain entirely golden. Even the water pouring forth was gold. Nearby soccer players were astonished, and even called him the second coming of Tebow. Odell played down the compliments though.

"It's nice, no denying it. But it can get a little awkward in the bedroom. Sorry Sheila. Rest in peace."

Prestige Worldwide battled back to make it a one-score game later in the second, as a forward jammed home a puck that had caromed off of the end boards on a wide shot.

The Soviets quickly responded on the next shift, as Hendricks scored his second of the game to stop any PW momentum.

"I fell down four times that shift," Hendricks said. "And I scored while sitting in the crease. I also fell twice while celebrating. Bottom line is, my ass is sore."

Mike D'Ignazio, who was nearby, said nothing.

The D'Ignazio and Steve Hand line was quiet offensively, but the duo, along with the defensive pairing of White and Tony Horton, were tasked with playing against the top unit of PW.

"Obviously we would have liked to score, but I have no problem playing that kind of game, where one line shuts down and the other produces," D'Ignazio said.

Hand shared the sentiment.

"You don't have to score to ball so hard. We balled so hard defensively, that we didn't allow [Prestige Worldwide] to ball so hard. They didn't ball at all. They had no balls."

With a two goal advantage heading into the third, the mantra on the bench was to stay the course, and keep up the intensity.

"We had settled down a lot and were forcing them to make plays," Horton said. "We weren't the ones scrambling. We played, dare I say it, Red Army hockey?"

Hendricks completed the hat trick early in the third on a wrap around.

That's when things started to get chippy.

PW players began taking liberties with Soviet players. The physical shots were undoubtedly a result of mounting frustration and perhaps even an attempt to send messages, but unlike in game one, where mental lapses in discipline cost the Soviets, cooler heads prevailed and the Comrades did not fall into the retaliation trap.

"I think there were one or two shots that their guy got me pretty good," Hendricks said. "But the thing is, that takes them off their game more than me. If they're out there trying to hunt me down, they're usually forgetting someone else."

Hendricks was referring to the Comrades 6th goal of the game, where two defenders vacated the crease to chase Hendricks, and Hendricks found King in the slot for a one-timer that beat Hanley.

"Maybe the easiest goal of my career," said King.

The Prestigious Ones would score once more to make it 6-4 late in the game, but Hendricks fourth goal with just over three minutes remaining sealed the deal.

"It was a good effort by the boys," Durkin said. "Hey, woah, I get a quote?"

THREE STARS:
3: Ryan Odell
2: Pat King
1: Kevin Durkin

Stats Through Game 2 of Championship Series

Stats Through Game 1 of Championship Series

Red Army Forces Game 3

Much more to come tomorrow. For now... celebratory brews.

Prestige Worldwide 5 (and 1), Red Army 2 (and 0)

For two weeks now, the Soviets have prided themselves on playing "Red Army hockey". A brand of in-your-face hockey that cashes in on opportunities, plays stingy defense, and pressures every loose puck. Last night, in game one of the best-of-three championship series for the Jenkins Cup, the Soviets looked far from the team that landed them a spot in the finals.

"I don't know," Mark Hendricks said after the game. "It's certainly frustrating. We knew [Prestige Worldwide] likes to play a possession game, but we were too frantic. We were running around out there and chasing. They exploited us. The discipline, or lack of discipline I should say, really killed us. Even I took a penalty, and yeah, obviously I have some things I'd say about that call that I'd probably get fined over, but ya know what, I can't even give the ref a chance to make that call. I'll be better next game. We'll be better."

The lack of discipline that Hendricks spoke of afforded the vaunted Prestigious power play six attempts, including a lengthy two-man advantage, and PW was able to strike three times.

"It was the difference in the game," Mike D'Ignazio said. We lost by three, and they scored three goals on the power play. We need to stay out of the box. That's the thing we need to change most."

PW jumped out to a 5-0 lead near the end of the second period. A late penalty-shot goal by Hendricks to cut the lead to 5-1 entering the 3rd period did little to ease tensions on the bench.

"We were getting into it there," Captain Steve Hand said. "Obviously we're all competitive guys, so when things aren't going well, we're going to be a little vocal. I think the difference was in the third period we started playing for each other, being smarter. We didn't give up a goal and we scored one."

Added Hand, "You build off of that."

Ryan Odell, who scored the aforementioned third period goal, agreed with the Captain.

"With about five or six minutes left, you start to realize the comeback ain't happening," Odell said. "So you play for game two. You send a message, maybe a hit or goal, something to let them that we're still coming, we're still here. They won the first battle, but we're not done. We're not done by a long shot."

Advantage: Prestige

The Soviets lost game one by the score of 5-2. We'll have much more on the loss tomorrow and how the Comrades can recover. But for now, just listen to this.

Crazier things have happened.

GAME 1: #5 Red Army @ #3 Prestige Worldwide

Regular Season Stats:

#3 Prestige Worldwide

Record: 9-4-1 19 points

Goals For: 76

Goals Against: 54

Goals Per Game: 5.43

Goals Against Per Game: 3.86

#5 Red Army

Record: 9-5-0 18 points

Goals For: 64

Goals Against: 57

Goals Per Game: 4.57

Goals Against Per Game: 4.07

Season Series: 1-1

Prestige Worldwide 5, Red Army 1

Red Army 7, Prestige Worldwide 5

Playoff Stats:

Prestige Worldwide: 2-0

#3 Prestige Worldwide 4, #6 Cryptic Stench 1

#3 Prestige Worldwide 6, #2 Easton Fections 2

Goals For: 10

Goals Against: 3

Goals Per Game: 5

Goals Against Per Game: 1.50

Red Army: 2-0

#5 Red Army 6, #4 Puck Ewes 4

#5 Red Army 8, #1 Trailside 4

Goals For: 14

Goals Against: 8

Goals Per Game: 7

Goals Against Per Game: 4

Why Prestige Worldwide Wins Game 1:

On paper, they are the better team. They have more goal scorers, a stout defense, and that physical edge to their game that can wear down the Soviets. They also play a puck-possession game, which can exploit the Comrades' tendency to chase and over-commit. Sean Hanley in net is a formidable foe, and he has shut down the Soviet attack in the past. All of that, coupled with the chance of the Comrades having a letdown following their win over Trailside, could give PW the early lead in the series.

Why the Red Army Wins Game 1:

The Comrades continue their magic carpet ride, and keep up their high-octane style of hockey. Mike D'Ignazio and Mark Hendricks generate chances, and those two (along with Captain Steve Hand and Pat King) bury chances when they get them. Ryan Odell continues his strong defensive game and chips in with a goal to push his streak to nine, while Jason white continues to be a point-shot generating machine, leading to rebounds for the aforementioned forwards. The Soviets will be aided by the return of Jamie Simek (arguably the Soviet's best stay-at-home defenseman) and Tony Horton (who though coming back from an injury, should provide some speed against a fast opponent).

The 3 x-Factors:

1: Special Teams: The Soviets special teams play during the regular season was atrocious. In postseason play, it's delightful (100% PK, 66.67% PP). PW boasts potent power play themselves and with a strong blue line as is, their penalty kill is stingy in its own right. The team which wins the special teams battle may win the game.

2: Unsung Heroes: There is no shortage of star power in this series. Each team boasts three or four guys that can single-handedly take over a game. Unfortunately, for fans of flashy, dangle-filled hockey, this series isn't going to support that. It's going to be a physical series with a lot of work in the corners, and often times it is the lesser-known guys who come to the forefront. Expect the so called "grinders" and "second-liners" to factor in.

3: Defense: These are the two best defensive teams in the league. They forecheck, backcheck, and block shots. Defense is all about effort and commitment, the more committed team to team defense, is going to head into the weekend with a chance to close the deal on Sunday.

BOLD PREDICTION:

It's everyone's favorite section of the blog, "Bold Prediction". For the record, our last prediction back in November was the closest we have ever come. Let's build off of that now... with this...

Red Army 5 - Prestige Worldwide 3

Soviets Stay Loose at Practice

Today's optional practice for Mother Russia was heavily attended, as only Mike D'Ignazio and Pat King were not on the rink. Coach Trotz-Stalin ran a brief 30 minute practice but ended it with a shootout, much to the players' and fans' (who came out in record numbers) delight.

After the practice, players spoke about their excitement for tomorrow's game.

"Anytime you play [Prestige Worldwide] it's a big game," Captain Steve Hand said. "I think we're pretty even with them through our history, in the regular season and playoffs, and we're not expecting anything different. It's going to be a tough series, but we're really looking forward to it."

Defender Ryan Odell was also excited.

"I am very excited," Odell said. "That's really all there is. Get that [expletive] microphone out of my face."

When asked about the possibility of a letdown following an emotional win on Sunday night, players didn't seem to be concerned.

"It's the best rivalry in the league," Mark Hendricks said. "We'll be up for it, they'll be up for it. No let downs."

"This series has more plot lines than any other series in the history of sports. The Mike D'Ignazio story, the epic rivalry story, the Soviet Tuxedo story, the Scott-Smith-hasn't-taken-a-penalty-yet story," Tony Horton said. "So many stories!"

We'll have a game-one preview replete with keys to the games (for both teams) as well as, you guessed it, our infamous BOLD PREDICTION up tonight or tomorrow morning.

Keep on rockin' in the Motherland, Comrades.

Post-Noon Number: 57

The number of goals that Red Army gave up during the regular season, AND, the number of goals that Prestige Worldwide gave up during the regular season (54) combined with their goals against total so far this post-season (3).

Red Army vs. Prestige Worldwide

Now that the Trailside fiasco is done, we can begin focusing on the task at hand. We'll have some content for you loyal readers up this afternoon. Until then, get back to work.

Seriously, your boss is behind you.

This is embarrassing.

Closing Statement: Putting the Trailside/Red Army Debate to Rest

The captain of Team Trailside, Mr. Stefan Sopko is an outspoken individual. He is a vocal leader on and off the rink for his team, and has helped transform Trailside from a .500 hockey team three seasons ago (the team’s inaugural season) to the powerhouse that is today. After Sopko’s team was unceremoniously dumped by Red Army in the second round of the playoffs this past Sunday night, Sopko went on WDSP 1400’s “Rodney and Harriet” sports talk show to discuss the game, and what it meant (or didn’t mean) for the balance of power in the division.

The rambling 26 minute interview (which can be heard in its entirety here) began with Sopko saying that, more than anything, it was luck that played the biggest role.

“They were lucky,” Sopko said. “So lucky. We were off, and that was it. And now they’re parading around, celebrating like they won the cup. But ya know what? They ain’t won [expletive] yet. [Expletive]!

“They beat us one game. I mean, one game Rodney. We had beaten up on them for three straight seasons. Beating a dog is only so much fun after a few kicks, we had to give them one.

“And we had an off night. It wasn’t even that they played well, it was us playing terrible! But no, they’re going to act like they were the better team. I ain’t buying it. I ain’t buying it for one minute.”

Sopko, who isn’t one to mince words, even went on to say that previous games against the Red Army were never competitive.

“Ya know what, it wasn’t even fun playing them in the past. We could have fielded bronze players to play them, to at least give them a fighting chance. They are a joke. [The Red Army] has been on life support for a few seasons. They get a few lucky wins, and this happens. Disgraceful.”

Hmmm, strong words. But are they accurate? Does Sopko have an argument here? Is Trailside still the team to beat or this the case of a sore loser flying off the handle?

Well, let’s look at some facts, shall we?

Since Trailside joined the league, they have faced Red Army in nine games, with seven of those contests coming in regular season play and two during the playoffs. In regular season play, Trailside amassed an impressive record of 6-1. In postseason play however, the Soviets are a perfect 2-0. For now, let’s consider all things equal, so in the all-time series, Trailside boasts a 6-3 record over the Red Army.

In Trailside’s first season, they faced the Soviets four times. The scores of those games: 8-5 Trailside, 8-5 Red Army, 7-4 Trailside, and 9-6 Red Army. I think the whole “it was never competitive playing those guys” argument loses some weight when the season series was 2-2 and the aggregate score between teams was 26-26.

Trailside’s second season saw them finish 13-1, and Trailside defeated the Soviets in both games, by scores of 12-8 and 6-3. This season they played three times. Trailside won the first two meetings by scores of 4-3 and 7-4, and on Sunday night the Red Army won 8-4.

Do these scores strike anybody as lopsided? The largest margin of victory was four goals, a feat both teams accomplished once (though it should be noted, the Soviets victory came in a playoff game). Of the other five victories that Trailside has over Red Army, four were by three goals, and one by one goal. The all-time aggregate score is 59-52 in favor of Trailside. A seven goal differential in nine games.

The “not competitive” argument? Dead.

Now, about those “life support” comments. Sopko claims that the Red Army has been hanging on a thread and been struggling the past three seasons. Let’s look at that too. Three seasons ago, the Soviets finished first overall with a 10-4 record. Last season, the Soviets went 5-8-1, and this season they ended their regular season 9-5. In this “three season” span that Sopko alludes to as a winter in Red Army hockey, they went 24-17-1. Sure, it’s not as gaudy as Trailside’s 30-12-0 record over that same span, but worthy of warranting the “on life support” label?

No.

This interview was nothing more than a man whining about being beaten. His team, once untouchable and dominant, was humbled. That is it. The true comedy is how Sopko talks a big game, as though his team is a dynasty. Winning a championship is no mean feat, and we hear at the Digest do not mean to diminish what Trailside did last season—it was impressive. But they have won one championship. One. And in their three seasons, they have been in the championship series just once. This is the Red Army’s second trip to the championship series in three seasons (yes, those three seasons) and fifth trip in eight seasons.

If they do win this season, it would be their fourth title.

Former Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s famously said, “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, not their own facts.” Mr. Sopko claims to only deal with facts (though he also claims the 13-1 season was “perfect”) but there are more holes in his assertions than a Louis Sachar story. The bottom line is, maybe the Soviets did get lucky. Maybe in a three game series, Trailside would have won games two and three, and who knows, they may not have even been competitive. We’ll never know. What we do know, is that of the two teams, one is moving on to play in the championship.

And it ain’t Mr. Sopko’s team.

Mother Russia's Slippers Fit: Soviets Upset Trailside and Advance to Championship Series

The general consensus around the hockey world this past week was that Team Trailside was going to easily dispose of the Red Army, and then face either the Easton Fections or Prestige Worldwide in the championship series. Talking heads on radio and TV sports shows commended the Soviets for a winning season, but ultimately agreed that despite a great finish to their season, it would end December 11^th at the hands of Trailside.

Apparently, nobody told Mother Russia’s favorite sons this.

The Soviets exploded for eight goals, four of which came in the opening period, en route to an absolutely dominating victory over Trailside, 8-4.

“I am cised right now,” Jamie Simek said. Simek, who played the role of bench-boss for the game after a skate of his broke, talked about what he saw and what he was telling his troops.

“It was a fast tempo game, so I made sure to keep telling the guys to skate hard and keep the shifts short. I also made sure to tweet at least once a shift.”

A quick audit of Simek’s twitter account shows that the defender-turned-coach did in fact tweet 34 times during the contest, including such gems as, “Oh hey borderline call on Ryan”, and, “Last night was a show”.

The Soviet’s top line opened the scoring on their second shift of the game. Mark Hendricks fanned on a mini-breakaway attempt, but retrieved the puck in the corner and fired a pass out to Jason White at the point. White fired a low slap shot that Trailside goaltender Chris Celenski blocked, but Pat King corralled the rebound and tucked a backhander just inside the post.

“I saw the puck come out to the top of the crease so I just made a quick more and slid the puck in,” King said. “[Hendricks] and I had talked about establishing a net presence, and we really wanted to accomplish that. That first goal was the direct result of everyone doing their job perfectly. The goal itself wasn’t one of my patented top-shelfers, but in the playoffs, you don’t get the pretty ones. You ditch the dangles for the grinding. After all, we don’t aspire to drink Petrone after it’s all said and done. We want Ch-Ch, the grimiest, filthiest grain alcohol on Earth. It’s the worst-tasting drink a team has ever worked so hard to sip.”

The top line would strike again on their next shift in near identical fashion. King won a puck battle in the far boards and set up White at the point. White fired a low wrister that Celenski reacted late to, and kicked the puck back out into the slot. Hendricks had slipped down low into the slot and one-timed the puck upstairs past the unsuspecting goalie to push the lead to 2-0.

“I really couldn’t have imagined a better start,” Hendricks said. “Maybe if the water bottle had come off on that shot, cause that would have been pretty cool. Or if the old Nassau Colliseum’s foghorn had been installed prior to gametime, and that baby roared, that too, would have been awesome. But a 2-0 lead early on against Trailside I’ll take any which way it comes.”

Though the top line may have been providing the heroics, the real work was being done by the defensive corps and the second line. Mike D’Ignazio had been given the unenviable task of stopping Trailside’s biggest threat Craig Desjarlais, and the Soviet’s leading scorer showed he was up to the task, hounding Desjarlais in every area of the rink and not allowing the two-time MVP and one-time ECHL’er to get uncontested shots off from the point.

“Defense wins championships,” D’Ignazio said. “We’re a good defensive team with some guys who can put the puck in the net, but it’s always about taking care of your own end first. That’s why teams from Pittsburgh are always so-“

D’Ignazio was then interrupted by linemate Steve Hand who said, “Pittsburgh, more like Stinks-like-armpits-purgh.”

“I think there was a better joke to make there,” Simek told Hand. “It rhymes with ‘pit’. Stinks like… sh… It stinks like sh…”

“Stop shushing me Simek, we’re not in a library,” Hand said, before going to the front desk of the Plex and returning his paperback copy of “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”. “It’s a good book,” Hand said, “Lot’s of sexy violence.”

As D’Ignazio alluded to, defense can lead to offense, and with five minutes remaining in the first, after a turnover, D’Ignazio raced up the rink and unleashed a low slap shot that found its way past Celenski to extend the lead to 3-0.

Moments later, after Hendricks drew a penalty, the much-maligned Soviet power-play went to work and scored it’s first goal in over five games. White helped to keep the puck along the boards, and found Hendricks down low. Hendricks fired a pass through a steam for Pete Collis, who had activated from his point, and the defender picked a corner on Celenski to give the Comrades an unthinkable 4-0 lead.

“When I took that pass from Mark, I had a lot of space,” Collis said. “As everyone knows, I am a space explorer, so I felt very comfortable in my surroundings. I simply made 394 quick equations in my head regarding how and when to shoot the puck, as well as what would be the best celebration, and then executed the plan. Houston was pleased.”

During the first intermission, the mood on the bench was unfiltered excitement and enthusiasm, but grizzled veteran Ryan Odell knew there was more work to be done.

“It would have been easy to go to the bench after that first period and commend everyone and say all nice things and say that we were going to win,” Odell said. “But we were task-oriented. We talked about how we were lucky a few times, and how we did have a few lapses. So we wanted to stay loose, but stay tight. It… it makes sense.”

As expected, Trailside came out strong in the second period, hemming the Soviets deep inside their zone for extended shifts. They finally did strike when Desjarlais broke free and was able to fire a wrist shot five-hole on Red Army goaltender Kevin Durkin.

“That was my assignment, and I dropped it,” Hendricks said, showing remorse for a dropped defensive assignment for the first time in his hockey career. “At the time, I thought they might start to dictate the play and that their first goal would give them more life.”

Hendricks’ concerns were put to rest when on the following shift, D’Ignazio stripped Desjarlais of the puck, came in along the wing in the offensive zone and fired a blast five-hole on Celenski to restore the four goal bulge. Moments later, after another defensive zone turnover by Trailside, D’Ignazio called his own number to complete his hat trick, as he fired a high wrist shot top shelf past Celenski.

Can ya D’Ig it.

With the score 6-1 and time winding down in the middle frame, the Comrades delivered another blow to the comeback hopes of the reigning champions. Hendricks blocked a shot near his own blue line, then picked up the loose puck for a breakaway. Hendricks faked backhand before firing a fade-away wrist shot into the top corner of the net past the outstretched Celenski.

“Holy crap my foot hurts,” Hendricks said… on Tuesday afternoon.

The Soviets continued to pressure the Trailside players, limiting time and space, as D’Ignazio and King continued to be a thorn in the collective side of every Trailside breakout.

The Comrades struck again on the power play to start the third, as Odell redirected a point shot from Collis, for the eight strike of the game. That goal pushed Odell’s goal streak to eight straight games, tying Mike Green for a hockey record.

“I was taking a beating down low, but I kept battling,” Odell said. “Pete’s shot was low and I got a piece of it. Happy birthday, mom.”

Continued Odell, “Also, let me tell you more about my future brother-in-law, he is so mild mannered…”

Trailside began to threaten late, and scored three goals five minutes apart to make the score 8-4, but with less than two minutes remaining, the clock not stopping, and Durkin covering every puck, both Soviet fans in attendance began to sense the victory, as they gave the Comrades a standing ovation for the final 90 seconds.

“To hear those fans roaring like that was great,” White said. “Gave me goosebumps.”

The clock wound down to three seconds, then two, and then one, and as the horn sounded, the most important, and impressive victory for the Red Army in the calendar year of 2011 was in the books.

“It was a huge game for us, a huge win, “Captain Hand said after the game. “But we didn’t win anything. We have two more left to win. So let’s win ‘em.”

THREE STARS:

3: Ryan Odell

2: Mike D’Ignazio

1: Jason White

Stats Through Round Two

The article I had been writing about the game last night was just accidentally erased (I didn't save). It was funny, it was clever, it was heart warming, and it was very time consuming. Out of fear of crafting something less awesome, I have delayed the article one more day, and will write it with a less-frustrated mind at work tomorrow. But chew on these stats through two games for now.

Stats Through Round One

Regular Season Stats

Hey all,

We never updated the stats through 14 games, so, here...they...are...

Red Army Pulls Off Biggest Upset in Franchise History, Advances to Championship

The Soviets defeated the #1 ranked Trailside tonight by the score of 8-4, earning themselves a spot in the championship series for the 5th time in 8 seasons. In the championship, the Comrades are set to face-off against arch-rivals Prestige Worldwide. There are a lot of story lines to be written for the series as well as a full recap of tonight's action with post-game player reaction.

Check back tomorrow afternoon for enough reading material to entertain even Mr. Henry Bemis.

Horton Questionable, King Probable for Sunday

Defenseman Tony Horton (leg) and forward Pat King (foot) both skated today on their own at YHRAP. The pair skated for about 45 minutes with assistant coach Sergei Fetisov while the rest of the team was given the day off. Both are hoping to play Sunday, but neither could confirm.

"I felt good today," King said. "It's a little sore, but I'm able to push off and accelerate. Barring a setback, I think I can play on Sunday.

Horton was a little less confident. "It's definitely tender, but I was able to get a good skate in. You can never tell with these things."

Horton, who collided with a teammate in a Cosby Sweater game on Sunday, also spoke about the frustrations with quad ailments.

"I think the league has gotten better at cracking down and shots to the thighs, but there is still a lot of work to be done. It's a vulnerable spot."

Horton spent the mandatory 20 minutes in the quiet room after receiving the hit. The quiet room protocol was instituted last season to give team doctors a chance to evaluate a player for Charlie Horse symptoms.

"Obviously it was frustrating [to be in the quiet room] but at the end of the day, the league is right to protect guys from awkward, embarrassing injuries like that."

Tuesday Practice

The Soviets laced up their skates this morning for a mandatory practice at the YHRAC in front of a larger-than-usual crowd. The main focus of the hour long session that Trotz-Stalin had the players focus on was the power play, which has gone 0 for it's last 7.

"We need to convert when we get the extra man," Pat King, who alternated between the point and the front of the net in drills. "We get one, maybe two cracks at it a game. We can't keep coming up short on those opportunities."

Mark Hendricks stressed puck movement and body movement.

"We tend to set up all in the perimeter, and pass on the outside. We need to hustle, keep our skates moving and change the angles and seams. We have the skill to exploit teams, we just aren't working hard enough right now."

Some players, like Mike D'Ignazio, believe the problem is easily correctable.

"I just have to be out there. I'm a goal scoring machine."

Continued D'Ignazio, "Commend me."

We'll have an injury update on Tony Horton later today, and keep an eye out for a Trailside vs. Red Army primer article either Wednesday or Thursday.

Post-Noon Number: 17

The amount of goals fewer that Red Army allowed than Trailside during the regular season. The Soviets surrendered 57 goals this season (and just 35 in their final 10 games) while Trailside allowed 74.

Post-Noon Number: 29

The amount of goals more that Trailside scored than Red Army this season. Of the four teams remaining in the playoffs, Trailside has most goals for and Red Army has the fewest.

(Tomorrow we'll post a defensive stat, which will make Soviet fans feel better.)

Soviets Rally Past Puck Ewes to Advance to Second Round

Last season, the Soviets faced the Puck Ewes in the opening round of the playoffs. After staking themselves to an early 3-0 lead, the Soviets looked to be in full control of the game until a few unfortunate bounces and untimely penalties allowed the Puck Ewes back into the game. Ultimately, the Puck Ewes built off of that momentum, and defeated the Soviets 6-4 to advance to round two. Three months later, in the opening round of this, now the Fall Season, the Comrades again were slated to play the Puck Ewes in the opening round.

This time things went differently.

Mike D'Ignazio tallied three goals and added an assist as it was the Red Army who erased a 3-0 lead to fight back and defeat the Puck Ewes 6-4.

Poetic justice.

"We struggled out of the gate. We were really unorganized," D'Ignazio said. "Passes weren't connecting, we weren't shooting. It was bad hockey."

D'Ignazio, who scored the first goal for the Comrades to cut the lead to 3-1 with less than five minutes remaining in the second period, talked about the importance of that goal.

"I shanked the shot, but it somehow just squeaked in. They say put the puck on net and good things happen. Well, if you put the puck on net very, very slowly, great things happen. In fact, I do believe that will be next tweet."

Before D'Ignazio and company began chipping away at the lead, they played the role of gracious hosts, allowing the Puck Ewes to do whatever they wanted in the offensive zone.

The Puck Ewe's first strike, and only goal for either team in the first period, if nothing else, was controversial. A shot ripped from the high slot beat fill-in goalie Chris Celenski, struck iron, and then ricocheted out into the corner boards. Play continued for a few seconds before the referee signaled that the puck had crossed the goal line. The referees huddled to discuss, and the original call stood, giving the Puck Ewes the lead.

"I don't know about that one," Jason White said. "You could hear it hit the bar, and it made that high sound 'ping', not the low sounding 'thud' or 'thunk', which it would if it did hit the back bar. As an aspiring composer of classical music, my ear is finely tuned for these things."

Added Pete Collis, "I myself found it to be more of a "tink" or a "thwang", both of course, as my colleague Mr. White alluded to, would imply that the puck struck an exterior metal bar, and not an interior one."

Ryan Odell, who has spent countless hours singing in the shower as well as in various barbershop quartets, defined the sound as thus: "The puck hitting the bar created a melodic "clanging" sound. The key here is "anging", as an "ang" sound means no goal. An "ud" or "unk", like you would hear in a "thud", a "clunk", a "fud", or a "frunk", would mean it did go in. Like the adage goes, "A clang or a cling, it didn't go in. A flunk or a thud, that son-of-a-bitch just scored."

The Puck Ewes would make it 2-0 early in the second period after a rare lapse in defense by the D'Ignazio and Hand line let a defenseman walk in for an uncontested slap shot.

After a Soviet power play went awry, the Puck Ewes struck again, as a forward was able to sneak behind Celenski and slide in a puck that the goalie had thought he had secured.

With the game slipping away and tempers rising, a timeout was called.

"We had to settle things down," Mark Hendricks said. "We were all pretty mad at each other. Ryan was mad at Jason, Mike was mad at everybody, Steve was mad at Mike, I was mad at Celenski, Pat was mad at me, Pete was mad at Jamie, Jamie got his feelings hurt, I was mad at Pete for being secretly mad at Jamie, Steve got mad at me for always siding with Pete, and Mike got really mad at Steve for not moving over on the bench. After twenty seconds or so of us yelling at each other, I think everyone ran out of breath and we had one of those silent moments where everyone cleared their head and focused on the task at hand. I think the only thing that I said was, 'Plenty of time left'. That's why I'm a leader. I just have a way with words."

D'Ignazio sparked the comeback with his shank-shot to make it 3-1. Then on the so-called second line's ensuing shift, they made it 3-2 and 3-3, as Steve Hand and D'Ignazio tallied a minute apart from each other.

"We just had to keep shooting," Jamie Simek said. Simek's defensive poke check at center led to D'Ignazio's strike to tie the game at three. "A well timed poke check is an important weapon in any defenseman's arsenal." Simek, a self-proclaimed Asian, often speaks in fortune-cookie form to enhance credibility. "Feed a man a puck, give him a goal. Teach a man how to steal the puck, give him a purpose" Simek said to reporters, as they awkwardly retreated from his locker stall.

The Hendricks and King line, which had been relatively quiet all night, gave the Soviets their first lead of the game with under a minute remaining in the middle stanza. After Hendricks was denied in tight, King stripped the puck from the defender trying to start the breakout, and fired a snap shot just inside the post.

"It wasn't top shelf, but it was high enough," King said. "It was the first quality chance I had gotten all game. I had to bury it."

Continued King, "That early 2000's rock CD I found in my car really was the driving force behind that shot. Thank you, Bullet for My Valentine."

As to be expected, the mood on the bench between periods was much different in the second intermission than first intermission.

"There was a lot of talking," Captain Steve Hand said. "We were talking about what we needed to work on and just to focus on defense. We didn't need to press for goals, they did. We wanted to play our game and make them take chances."

For all the talk about playing defense and not worrying about offense, it was the Hand and D'Ignazio line that did in fact score another goal just nine seconds into the third period. Hand won the opening faceoff back to White, and White headmanned the pass to D'Ignazio. D'Ignazio gained the zone and unleashed a hard, high slap shot go that beat the goalie into the top right corner of the net.

"Defense wins games, but offense is sexy," D'Ignazio said.

The remaining 14 minutes of the game were hard fought. Comrades back checked hard and threw themselves in front of shot, the best example of selflessness coming from King, who took a slap shot right off his foot.

The Puck Ewes made it 5-4 with seven minutes remaining, but Hendricks struck on the following shift to reclaim the two goal bulge, one that this time, would not be relinquished. Celenski staved off the final few shots and the horn sounded, sending the Puck Ewes home, and more importantly, the Soviets to round two.

"You can't win the championship in the first round, but you can lose it," Simek said, before turning bright red and bowing.

THREE STARS:

3: Pat King

2: Jamie Simek

1: Mike D'Ignazio

Soviets Extend Streak to 7

The Red Army handily defeated the Cryptic Stench last night 8-2 and improved to 9-4 on the season, extending their current win streak to seven games. The effort was championed by the brothers Hendricks, as the trio combined for 17 points.

There will be much more from tonight's victory tomorrow, but for now, everyone out there in the Motherland should know this: the ten dream season is still alive.

Stats Through Thirteen Games

Wednesday Practice

The Soviets just wrapped up an optional practice here at Yoo-Hoo Plex a few minutes ago. All but three players (Mike D'Ignazio, Ryan Odell, and Jamie Simek) attended the practice run by Trotz-Stalin. Most of the practice focused on the penalty kill and one on one drills.

The highlight came at the end, when the players took part in a shootout contest. If the player scored, he was free to head to the locker room. Steve Hand, Pat King, and Pete Collis all scored on their first attempts. Scott Hoefer and Ben Breiterman scored on their second attempts. Tony Horton scored on his fourth attempt and Jason White scored on his fifth attempt. Mark Hendricks did not score until the 37th attempt, and it was only after practice goaltender Dominic Tretiak vacated his crease because, "this [stuff] was getting ridiculous".

At this point, for unknown reasons, should the Comrades enter another shootout, Hendricks is still expected to get the nod.

"He's a goal scorer," Trotz-Stalin told reporters after the practice. "Well, sometimes. He has scored at least one goal before. This we know."

Trotz-Stalin also explained his thoughts on players taking the optional practices off.

"Simek and Odell are excused, they had some bumps and bruises to heal. As for D'Ignazio, well, there's a Russian expression for how I feel about him."

The expression?

"It is better to have a bird in the hand, then no hands at all."

You're guess is as good as mind, people.

Noon Number: 2

The number of games left in the regular season for Red Army.

EDITORS NOTE: Big time blunder earlier, sorry folks.

Red Army Wins Sixth Straight

Somehow, someway, the Soviets were able to beat the Grenades last night by a score of 4-3. Reports are still coming in from the scene, but we can report right now with 100% certainity that the winning streak is alive.

We will update this blog with more news as it breaks.

UPDATE: Ryan Odell had one goal.

UPDATE: Latest reports indicate that Pete Collis also netted two goals, while everyone else "had like, 1,000 assists".

UPDATE: CNN is reporting that fill-in skater Kevin Wright scored the GWG and that Steve Hand took upwards of 60 shots.

Noon Number: 100

Percentage of Tony Horton's goals that are game winning goals. The Big Rig has two goals on the campaign and both tallies were game winners (10/6 vs. Grenades and 11/6 vs. Prestige Worldwide).

Wednesday Practice

The Soviets are holding a practice this morning at Red Army Yoo-Hoo Complex and from the looks of it, all but two players are on the rink. The two players missing are forwards Pat King and Mike D'Ignazio. It's unclear why they are not out there right now, but we will follow up on their statuses after practice.

For now, the Comrades are engaged in a fast-paced practice, with a focus on special teams and breakouts.

Jamie Simek seems especially excited about the breakouts, and the defender has been heard multiple times yelling "Hey crisp outlet pass, hey."

UPDATE:

King was taking a maintenance day to heal some "light bumps and bruises", coach Trotz-Stalin said. D'Ignazio meantime is more of a mystery. All Trotz-Stalin said was, "He knows why he isn't here, and that's that."

With 7-5 Win, Soviets Now 7-4

A little over a month ago, when the Red Army laced up their skates to face Prestige Worldwide, they were out-hustled, out-muscled, and ultimately outscored 5-1. The loss at that time was the Soviet's third straight, and dropped them to 1-3 for dead last in the division. In the 36 days between contests, the Red Army went 5-1, allowing only 19 goals in that span while scoring 28. When the two storied franchises met again last night, it was the Soviets who dictated the pace of the game, out-skated their opponents, and gained the two points, while also extending their winning streak to a season-high five games.

"Another solid win," Captain Steve Hand said. "We made smart plays, getting the puck deep and making smart changes. We're starting to look more and more poised as the playoffs approached."

Mike D'Ignazio, who seldom says anything positive regarding anything, somewhat agreed with the captain.

"It was a good game, but we still made a few too many mistakes. We stopped playing for a few shifts, and the 3-0 lead became 3-2. I think there are some positives to take away from the effort tonight, but there are also some negatives. Let's not get overly-excited people. I'm a leveler, that's what I do. If you're happy, I'll bring you down a few notches. But, if you're sad, I'll also bring you down a few notches as well. Leveler, I am."

D'Ignazio started the scoring early in the game when he took a Hand pass (legal, because "Hand" was capitalized) and fired a wrist shot just above Hanley's glove. Moments later, D'Ignazio sprung Odell for a breakaway and the defender converted.

"That was my annual breakaway," Odell said. "It marks the official start of winter."

With the score 2-0, the slumping first line extended the lead to three by netting their first goal since Nam October. Pat King won a faceoff to Mark Hendricks in the offensive zone. Hendricks made a drop pass to King, who then fired the puck on net. The puck snuck between Hanley's pads and out into the crease where Hendricks backhanded the puck into the net.

"That was a big goal for us," Hendricks said. "We needed that in a big way. We had played a real solid period but hadn't scored yet. It was nice to get one, I was really frustrated from not scoring... both in a hockey sense, and in a sexual sense."

Continued Hendricks, "But mostly in a sexual sense."

With the score 3-0 after the first, the mantra on the bench was to keep it up.

"Oh hey best period of hockey we've played this season, heyyyy," Jamie Simek said. Simek then farted and aggressively asked everyone around him to smell it.

The Pretentious Global Affair tallied two early goals in the middle stanza to make it a game. The first came on a rush up the rink when a defender activated, and the second came when Odell misplayed the puck directly into his own net.

"It's going to be a long winter," Odell said.

The Comardes fought back though, cycling the puck and enjoying extended periods of pressure in the Prestigious zone. Their best chance came when Hendricks rang iron on a one timer from the left face-off circle. Moments later, Pete Collis would thread a pass to Hendricks for another one timer, and this time the sniper officially busted the slump, ripping a high slap shot past Hanley.

"I saw [Hendricks] last second," Collis said "I mean, I honestly could have skated in another ten, fifteen feet, but I fired a pass down low. Clearly, with that pass I demonstrated that I am more fit to play offense than defense, and that the coach will definitely-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Hendricks interrupted. "I didn't know we had a coach."

The Soviets cashed in one more time in the frame to increase the lead to 5-2, when King fired home a centering feed from Hendricks. Though the puck went seven-hole, and was not King's vintage top shelf shot, the forward was still pleased with the goal.

"That was my second goal on the campaign," King said. "Obviously well below my average. But we're heating up now, so if we can generate some offense and get hot as we enter the playoffs... well baby, we'll have a stew going."

"I'm stewing right now," Simek chimed in, before sharting.

The Soviets flirted with disaster several times in the third, allowing PW to close the gap to two goals, but never any closer.

Tony Horton scored the eventual game winner while shorthanded. He fired the puck 150 feet from the goal, but after the puck ricocheted off a Prestigious defenseman, Hanley did not have time to react. It was the second strangest play of the game for Horton, who late in the game yelled something loud and probably German.

"It was a war cry," Horton explained. "No, I actually was yelling for us to clear the zone, but I sneezed during it, so what came out sounded like the mating call of a male walrus."

"It sounded like what I'd imagine a T-Rex would sound like after being kicked in the testicles," Hand said.

"I think it was more primal," Odell said. "Like when a mother Grizzly bear sees her two month old cub being attacked by a pack of wolves."

"I heard city bus," said Hendricks. "One in desperate need of oil."

"I agree with the traffic idea," D'Ignazio said, but less city bus, more Amtrak Train. Acela, actually."

"You're all wrong," King said, "That was the sound of a building being demolished, and thousands of tons of twisted steel grinding against each other."

"False," Pete Collis said. "That was the sound of Godzilla roaring as he is pounded by fighter jets."

"Guys, guys, guys," Simek said. "That's just the sound I make when I can't find a bathroom in time."

D'Ignazio tacked on another late tally on a breakaway to make the score 7-4. The Prestigious would score one late goal, but it was too little too late, as the Comrades controlled the puck the remainder of the game.

"Not bad, not bad," D'Ignazio said, who aspires to one day be an impossible-to-impress father. "My son or daughter will know not to bother me with silly macaroni necklaces or poorly constructed Valentines Day cards."

Continued D'Ignazio, "My child will also be adopted."

THREE STARS:

3: Jamie Simek

2: Pat King

1: Pete Collis

Five in a Row for Mother Russia's Boys

The Red Army increased its winning streak to five games on Sunday night with a 7-5 victory over rivals Prestige Worldwide.

There will be much more blog content to come from this win, but I just skated for eight straight hours and desperately need sleep the team flight back to Moscow departs in nine minutes, and I need to check this computer.

Check back here tomorrow afternoon, Comrades.

Stats Through 11 Games

Soviets Exorcise Demons, Extend Winning Streak to Four With Win Over Cosby Sweaters

With a little over eight minutes remaining in regulation, Ryan Odell carried the puck across center and into the offensive zone. As Mark Hendricks drove the net with a defender draped on him, Odell fired a low snap shot through the mass of bodies that squeaked through goaltender Chris Celenski's five-hole, and broke the 4-4 tie. Pete Collis tacked on an empty net goal in the final minute, and the Red Army escaped with one of their hardest-fought games of the season.

"This is the kind of game you feel great after," Captain Steve Hand said. "A huge rivalry and the way that we won... it's just, it's just so great."

Hand then elaborated on how great it felt.

"I would say the feeling is like having the girl of your dreams show up naked at your front door and say 'Let's wake up all of the neighbors with some earth shattering sex'. Then, you get a text from your boss that says, "Hey, I'm giving you a raise. You can also take the year off.' Then, your dog that passed away nine years ago shows up at your door and says, "LOL, I was sleeping. Let's play catch. Also, I now speak English... and Spanish... and I can file your taxes... Yeah, that's what it feels like."

As good of a feeling Hand was experiencing, the way the game started had many fans feeling uneasy. The Cosby Sweaters struck on their first shot of the game when Tony Horton threaded a pass to a fellow Sweater for a one time blast. Moments later, it was 2-0 after a defensive miscue in the Soviet end led to a Sweater being alone in the slot with time to pick a corner.

"Obviously, not the start we were looking for," Jamie Simek said. "But, we definitely rebounded and fought back. I mean, sure."

Mike D'Ignazio pumped life into the Soviets with a late first period goal. After defenseman Scott Hoefer disrupted a play at center, he flipped the puck ahead to D'Ignazio, who fired a slap shot short side on Celenski.

"The defender was coming to cut me off, so I went with the old slap shot," D'Ignazio said. "I guess this is the part of the quote where I'm supposed to make a gay joke, so I'll say this... gay joke."

Between periods, the focus on the bench was about keeping up the pace.

"I actually thought we should slow down," Hendricks said. "But the other guys thought if we kept up the pressure and run and gun style, their inexperience would show. It was a good strategy, but I had three McRibs this week, so the slower the game went, the less out of shape I would look. Plus, there were like two girls up there watching."

Continued Hendricks, "By the way, you can't order a McRib and not be embarrassed. You feel shame with that purchase. I'd feel more comfortable buying a blow up doll at MVC and bumping into my Pastor in the parking lot."

The fast pace continued into the second, and the Soviets got a quick goal, just 29 seconds into the frame. Hand jammed in a rebound from a Hoefer shot to even the score at two.

The Soviets would take the lead a few moments later when the Cosby Sweaters were whistled for too many men. After Hand gained the offensive zone, he made a drop pass to Hoefer. Hoefer deked past one penalty-killer and fired a shot on goal. The puck was blocked aside by Celenski, but ricocheted off of another defender in front and bounced into the goal.

"I played a lot of pool growing up," Hoefer said. "I knew what I was doing."

The lead was short lived however, as on the ensuing shift, the Pullovers belonging to the host of "Kids Say the Darndest Things" tied the game on a goal mouth scramble. Two minutes later, they had staked themselves out to a 4-3 lead on a Dante George wrist shot.

With the Comrades reeling, it was D'Ignazio who struck again late in the period to tie the game, and again he took the pass from Hoefer.

With the score knotted at four, both teams exchanged chances early in the third seeking that elusive fifth goal. The Pat King and Hendricks line had several close range opportunities, but couldn't manage to get one past Celenski.

Finally, around the midway mark of the third, Odell provided the heroics, scoring what would prove to be the eventual game winner.

"I saw some space, and I fired it there," Odell said. "That's what I do, I see gaps and I shoot for them."

Continued Odell, "My life goal is to fill the Grand Canyon with pucks."

OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES:

- Collis was pleased with his performance, and reminded reporters after the game that he has now scored the furthest distanced backhander on the season. "I don't want to brag, but that was like a 60 foot backhander. Hmmm, 60 foot backhander, I think I just found the name for my next album."

- King and Hendricks are officially slumping. Asked if he thought they could break out of it, King provided this gem, "Probably."

- Horton was spotted putting on a red jersey after Collis scored the empty net goal. "I wasn't trying to blend in with the winning team," Horton said. "That was actually my jersey for C.E.A.R.S. (Competitive Eating And Random Sports) team. I have a Lasagna Jump Rope competition at 10:15 tonight."

- Kevin Ahearn and Joe Welsh did an admirable job of shutting down Hendricks tonight, though a good spin for this bullet would be that they played into Hendricks' hands, because he knew full well that not only would D'Ignazio score, but that Hoefer would enjoy himself a career night. Check and mate, boys.

- Ted Shaffer got Shaffered, and though our editors aren't sure if we're allowed to publish that without breaking some sort of FCC violation, we're going to risk it because it's fun to say.

- Lastly, we would like to brag. Usually when we submit guesses for games, we are off by 5 to 9 goals (see: any prediction ever made on this blog). Earlier today, we guessed that the Red Army would win 6-3. Sure, that ended up ultimately being false, as they were victorious by a 6-4 margin, but come on folks, that's impressive to somebody. No? Just us? Well fine. I hope you all get Shaffered now.

THREE STARS:

3: Mike D'Ignazio

2: Ryan Odell

1: Scott Hoefer

Stats Through Ten Games

Red Army Looks to Extend Winning Streak Against Cosby Sweaters

There are games on the schedule that players circle on their calendar-- games that provide an extra level of intensity; an extra level of effort. Tonight is such a game. The Red Army, the once powerful dynamo that stringed three championship seasons together is looking to reclaim their spot in the upper echelon of the division, while the Cosby Sweaters, a team still seeking its silver-south identity, is looking to add another statement victory to its budding resume. That, coupled with the fact that these two teams share a player, at one point shared a goalie, and at several points have shared pitchers of beer, well, leave many wondering if the familiarity will breed contempt.

"It's a big game," Captain Steve Hand said. "We're friends with a lot of the guys on the other team, we've known them for a while. But, what it comes down to is that there are two points on the line, and both teams want them. It's getting late in the season now where everyone needs points and is jockeying for position in the standings."

Continued Hand. "And I'm going to jockey some bitches."

The Soviet Captain's sentiments appear to be shared by Cosby Sweaters Captain Tony Horton, who also spoke to reporters about there being no love-loss between clubs.

"I really want to win this game, this one is personal," Horton said. "I've played with [the Red Army] for a few years now, but to beat them again and sweep the season series, well, I can't help but get my lederhosen in a bunch thinking about it."

Horton then went on to explain his workout regimen this past week in preparing for tonight's tilt.

"Monday I did the McDonald's mile, where you eat three big macs, run a mile, and chug a gallon of Red Bull, it really works your core. Tuesday I did legs, so KFC, and last night I drank my body weight in soy milk."

Perhaps no player wants to win tonight more than Mark Hendricks, who has failed twice in his two cracks against the Cosby Sweaters.

"Third time is the charm," Hendricks joked to reporters after this morning's practice. "In my defense, the 10-0 blowout they beat me in last year, I was not really trying. I mean, that was a bronze game, so it would have been unethical for me to exert myself, as I am not a bronze player. What I did, losing by 10, was nothing short of admirable. Commend me."

Hendricks continued. "But tonight will be different. I think our team is playing a more well-rounded style of hockey right now, and even though they do have some good defenders, I think our attack will be too much for them to withstand. I'm not saying I'm going to dominate, but I think I will be the best player on the rink and several women will throw themselves at me afterward."

Regardless of Hendricks' vintage swagger, this game may not be the run and gun style that several predict. The Soviets have allowed the second fewest goals this season, and the Sweaters have only allowed four goals in the previous two games.

"I'm looking forward to the challenge," Ryan Odell said. "They've got a fast team, so matching speeds and gap control will be important. We've been pretty stout defensively lately, I'd like to be... stouter."

Jamie Simek, who will likely be paired with Odell, agreed.

"Ohhhh sure," Simek said, before head butting a stranger.

The Cosby defense is led by Joe Welsh, who over his illustrious career has averaged 1.1 goals, 1.6 assists, and 2.4 PIMS a game.

"I look forward to crushing these Communists," Welsh said. "I also plan on raising my career average of PIMS per game to 2.7." To do so, Welsh would need 74 penalty minutes tonight, which as he has proven time and time again, is not out of the realm of possibility.

"It's all about the game misconducts," Welsh added.

Joining Welsh on the CS blue line are half of the brothers Jacyna, Kevin Ahearn, and Horton.

"We're a pretty active defense group," Ahearn said. "We go biking every weekend."

"And tomorrow we're doing the Krispy Kreme Kilometer," Horton added.

When asked to elaborate, Horton declined, saying, "There just aren't enough words to describe the glaze."

With so many factors at play tonight, the game should provide excellent drama as well as a measuring stick for where the two teams line up as they near postseason play.

"If we win, we're right back in the thick of things," Mike D'Ignazio said. "And the thicker things get, the... ya know what, just... just imagine what I said and it will be better."

BLOG PREDICTION: Red Army 6, Cosby Sweaters 3

Red Army Wins Third Straight, Improves to 5-4

With a few minutes remaining in the second period, Captain Steve Hand one-timed a Mike D'Ignazio pass by Easton Fection goalie Dante George to reclaim a two goal lead for the Soviets. Moments later, D'Ignazio scored on a breakaway to give the Soviets a three goal cushion heading into the third. In one shift, the two points at stake that very much hung in the balance, had been secured by Mother Russia.

"We're getting scoring from everyone, and it's making the difference," Mark Hendricks said. "Our defense especially. Odes (Ryan Odell) has really stepped up for us this season. He's good for a goal and an assist a game, and Horts (Tony Horton) is getting more involved too. Plus, we needed Handsy (Hand) to get going. D'Igga (D'Ignazio) has been shooting lights out for a while now. We're starting to all get where we need to be. Obviously me and Patty Cakes (Pat King, who did not play last night) need to get going a bit, but we will. There's room to improve with putting the puck in the net, but we're trending the right way."

Continued Hendricks, "Jimma Jam (Jamie Simek) and Hanley the Manley (Sean Hanley) also played neato (very good).

Hendricks started the scoring in the first on what has become his bread-and-butter move. The forward corralled a puck from behind the net and did a quick wrap around that snuck between George's skate and the right post. Moments later, Odell pushed the lead to 2-0 on a snap shot from the slot.

"It was a bit of a lucky shot," Odell joked after the game. "But, you have to shoot the puck. We had a few shots that shift. It keeps defensemen honest. I hate lying defenseman."

The Fections were able to slip one past Hanley late in the frame, but another Hendricks tally right before the horn re-established the two goal lead.

On the bench at the first intermission, players talked about keeping the shifts short, and accidentally vomiting when suppressing rebel farts.

"I am a bit of an expert on the subject," Simek said, before opening a window.

In the second period, neither team was able to capitalize on opportunities until late, when the Vaginal Rashes brought the score to within one. The Fections continued to press, but after a turnover sprung D'Ignazio and Hand, the game became all Red Army.

"I really needed that," Hand said. "Mike Vincent D'Ignazio gave me such an excellent pass. Mark James Hendricks and Ryan Craig Odell had already scored, so I wanted to contribute myself. And I tell you what, those two cats Jameson George Simek and Tony Edelweiss Horton sure are fleet of foot!"

Hand then piled his gear into his Model-T and drove home listening to what would be described as "elevator music".

With the score 6-3 going into the 3rd, the Soviets didn't leave it to chance. Hand struck again in the opening minute, and D'Ignazio tacked on two late ones to put the nail in the coffin and the coffin in the ground.

"All around good effort," D'Ignazio said. "Man, there sure are a lot of fucking children here."

OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES:

- Horton played three straight games of hockey on Sunday. This is all part of Hendricks' master plan to wear the Big Rig down before Thursday. Rumor has it Horton is helping Hendricks build and move into a tree house on Wednesday night.

- Jamie Simek dressed up as a gynecologist for a Halloween party the night before playing a team named the Easton Fections.

- 5-4 means one thing and one thing only... the 10 win season is still possible.

THREE STARS:

3: Mike D'Ignazio

2: Ryan Odell

1: Steve Hand