Red Army Enters Playoffs Red Hot

Well, they didn't earn a bye, but this might be the scariest 5th place team the league has ever seen. The Red Army closed out their regular season last night with a thrilling 7-5 win over the gold-division-turned-silver-division Black Presidents, thanks in large part to Mark Hendricks' six goal, one assist performance.

"Sometimes you just catch fire," Hendricks said after the game. "I reffed five games earlier in the day and I had a lot of time between periods and games just to shoot around on the rink. For some reason, my shot just felt on. The puck was exploding off my stick and I was hitting my spots. It's just one of those days where you feel it." Added Hendricks, "And it felt niiiiiice."

Hendricks kicked things off in the first period when he roofed a wrist shot while coming down the right wing. Then, after the Obamas had come back to tie it, he fed Ryan Odell a slick seam pass and the defenseman rifled it home.

"The chemistry is back," Odell said, referring to his and Hendricks' recent trend of hooking up. "It's fun, and more often than not we use the back door. Sometimes it's a bit messy trying to finish, but we can usually grind it out."

"I think that was hockey talk," Steve Hand said. "But it is of no consequence, as the Red Army has a don't-ask-don't-tell policy."

The policy was enacted in 2008 after Pat King joined the ranks.

The Soviets took a 2-1 lead into the second period, but defensive gaffes and lapses in coverage let the Black Presidents begin to take control of the game.

"We got hemmed in a bit in our own zone," Tony Horton, who returned to action after missing a few games due to an injury sustained during a bear attack recent snowboarding trip. "We need to work on finding a man to cover, because when we don't, we get scored on. Other than that, I thought we played well in the neutral and offensive zones."

The two teams exchanged goals back and forth for the second period, and after its conclusion, it was the Black Presidents that entered the final frame ahead by one.

"We were pretty calm on the bench," Jamie Simek said. "Just reviewed some things and talked about playing smart. We knew we had plenty of time." Simek then paused and smiled before continuing, "Man, remember when the Seahawks beat the Saints? Holler chuch."

Hendricks tied the game early in the 3rd to complete his first hat trick, but the lead was short-lived. The Black Presidents stormed back to reclaim the lead at 5-4 and after a barrage of shots were fired on Sean Hanley, the Red Army called a timeout.

"I was facing a lot of odd man rushes," Hanley said. "I think we began pressing too early. We had plenty of time to come back, and we were only down by one. We were playing like we were down by five goals and there was only two minutes left."

The timeout seemed to calm the players down, and less than a minute after play resumed, Hendricks netted his fourth of the game to tie things up again.

"I saw the defender was standing still as I was skating at him," Hendricks said. "I was going to dump it and change but I knew I could get by him, so I engaged the rocket boosters and slid it five hole."

Pat King, who was standing nearby, quickly chimed in. "Never refer to your skating ability as 'engaging rocket boosters'."

With the score tied at five, Hendricks went to work again, this time opting to shoot instead of taking it hard to the net. After winning a puck battle along the boards, the sniper raced in, curled and dragged a defender, and unleashed his patented wrist shot top shelf where Pat King stashes his triple quilted toilet paper.

A minute later, he tacked on his sixth after Odell fed him a pass on a two on one rush.

"That Hendricks is so hot right now," Jacobim Mugatu said while stroking his pet poodle.

Despite the best efforts of the comrades, they still finished just shy of a first round bye, but the players were excited for a chance to earn a second round appearance.

"Two weeks ago we were down and out. We had lost four straight and couldn't buy a goal," Hand said. "Now we're playing well and everyone is contributing. I think the first round game on Thursday will be good for us. We know it will be tough, but we want to win and keep it rolling."

King echoed his captain's sentiments.

"It's going to be a tough playoffs for sure, but we're ready for it. With twelve teams, it's going to be tough, but we've been here before, and we've done it before. We can do it again."

The comrades face off against Daggermouth 3.0 on Thursday night at 7:00 pm to begin their quest for four championships in five seasons. You can expect a pregame article sometime between now and then.

THREE STARS:
3: Sean Hanley
2: Ryan Odell
1: Mark Hendricks

Taking a Crack at this Writing Thing

Dearest Comrades,

As many of you know I am trying to break into the world of writing, or more specifically, humor writing. I've always (wet) dreamed of working at "The Onion", and to get some practice at the art of faux-journalism (a craft I try to hone here at the R.A.D.), I thought I would use this blog as a forum to showcase some of the...well... shit I've been working on.

Basically, this is the only place I can get feedback on writing now that school has ended and the workshops are long gone (plus, most of the papers I wrote the last five years were about 19th century British literature or linear depreciation). So, below I've copied and pasted an article I wrote in the last hour. I include the amount of time it took because a) I'm trying to brag about how quickly I can throw together some jokes and make it look sexy, and b) I've done next to zero editing and this is a very rough draft.

The point is, feedback is much appreciated. A brief comment of "Haha" or "Shitty" would brighten my day more than a never ending table of already folded jorts. If no one is interested and strictly wants Russian hockey updates on this blog, that is understandable too, and you'll never see another forced punchline here again (or one that isn't hockey related at least).

Anyways, just thought I'd preface the below article with this rather than posting it and having everyone reading it confused and waiting for a Pat King quote. Enjoy.

Disturbing Trend: Majority of Americans Not Careful When Wishing

CHICAGO, IL—A report released by the University of Illinois Psychology Department this past Tuesday declared that despite repeated warnings, the vast majority of Americans are not careful what the wish for.

“The citizens of this country are blessed to live in the greatest country on Earth and I truly believe that this is the land of opportunity,” Jacob Sheffield, head of the school’s Psychology Department said. “But there are limits.”

Sheffield’s team conducted their research over a three year span, dating from December of 2007 to December of 2010.

“Take Darren Phillips of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,” Sheffield said, citing one of the many cases in the finding. “On November 4^th of 2009, Mr. Phillips wished for a fire to break out in his high school all because he was not properly prepared for a Spanish quiz. The ramifications for such an ill-conceived wish far outweigh the benefits. It is mind boggling.”

When asked to comment, Phillips showed no signs of remorse.

“My parents had already grounded me earlier in the month because I bombed a calculus test. I ended up missing homecoming because of that stupid quiz and I heard Ashley Roberts was grinding up on everyone.” Added Phillips, “God damn I really could have used that fire.”

Phillips’ wish was not a rarity though, as nearly 89% of the wishes made during the study involved some sort of threat to human life.

“Over four million people wished for a zombie apocalypse,” Sheffield said. “And that was just in 2007.”

Other wishes to garner over one million hits included the detonation of a nuclear bomb, a tidal wave like the one in “Deep Impact”, and walking in on Jennifer Anniston showering.

“I think a study like this reveals a sad truth about Americans,” newly appointed Speaker of the House John Boehner said. “It shows that, as a people, we are reckless when it comes to our imaginations.”

Boehner is as reckless as his fellow citizens however, as the report indicated that in the spring of 2010 he wished for Senator Robert Casey (D) to come down with throat cancer so that he would no longer have to hear “another boner joke ever again”.

For many Americans, regardless of any data that may come out, they are going to continue throwing caution to the wind when daydreaming.

“So what if I think it would be awesome for my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend to be convicted as a serial rapist?” Kevin Adams of Louisville, Kentucky said. “I bet I don’t look so bad after that trial. She’d be back in my arms before he could plow another unsuspecting jogger.”

If there is any silver lining, it is that Americans are not alone when it comes to selfish wishful thinking. Scientists in Denmark have been conducting a similar study for two years, one which focuses on a global scale. Though the results have not yet been finalized, early numbers indicate that other countries are just as brash in their wishes.

“Western Europe and Russia are pretty much on a similar level with the United States,” Johan Paulsson, the head of the Danish research team said. “We found high levels of human endangerment in nearly every realm of the world, with the reasons behind the wishes ranging from ‘unrequited love’ to ‘it would just be cool to see’. The only country we have come across so far that appears to be practicing safe wishing is Ethiopia, where 100% of the wishes tabulated so far are “dinner”.

For now, all that Sheffield can hope for is that his team’s research opens the eyes of some Americans.

“It’s hard for me to say what exactly I expect to happen when people see this data. Hopefully they will be shocked and begin to curb the irrationality of their wishes,” Sheffield said. “More likely though, the US populace will continue hoping that the old lady in front of them doesn’t see the uncovered manhole.”

Much Remains in the Balance as Season Finale Draws Near

The Red Army is riding a three game win streak entering Sunday's season finale versus the Black Presidents. The Soviets are playing, arguably, their best hockey of the season. The shots that went wide during their four game losing streak are now going in. The saves they weren't getting, they now are. The passion that was lacking, is, well, you get the point. The fact of the matter is, after loitering around in the 8th and 9th seeds for a few weeks, the Soviets have surged up the standings and find themselves in the middle of a heated race for a first round bye. Can they do it? Well, they'll need more than just a win on Sunday to get it.

Currently, the Comrades are in possession of that highly coveted four spot. The Shockers however, have a game in hand, and sit just one point back of the Red Army. So, even if the Red Army were to win on Sunday, if the Shockers win their final two contests (they play the Strangers and Prestige Worldwide), it would be the Shockers enjoying a free pass into the second round. Of course, if the Shockers do win both their games, and the Red Army wins their game, it is still possible for the Comrades to sneak into the top four if the Puck Ewes blow it against Ron Mexico.

So yeah, the Shockers have to lose a game.

But what does this mean? Is a first round bye really necessary? Only in the Red Army's first season did they earn a first round bye. In fact, if you wanted to find an uplifting trend about the Red Army's championships, just look at the first opponent they faced in all three: the Cryptic Stench. That would appear to be the key to the Soviet's success. Well, not really. The real key is being hot and staying hot. Right now, they're hot. They've outscored opponents 22-1 in the last two games, and, of those 22 goals, only three were off the blade of Mark Hendricks. I believe Robin said it best when he exclaimed, "Holy secondary scoring, Batman!"

Sunday should prove to be a great test for the Red Army. Neal and Beege Hendricks returned south to Blacksburg, but Pete Collis and Tony Horton should return to the lineup (and it's rumored that #29 could be back for Sunday and the playoffs).

For now, it's all about playing the right way at the right time, and that's been something the Comrades did a lot of in 2010.