Taking a Crack at this Writing Thing

Dearest Comrades,

As many of you know I am trying to break into the world of writing, or more specifically, humor writing. I've always (wet) dreamed of working at "The Onion", and to get some practice at the art of faux-journalism (a craft I try to hone here at the R.A.D.), I thought I would use this blog as a forum to showcase some of the...well... shit I've been working on.

Basically, this is the only place I can get feedback on writing now that school has ended and the workshops are long gone (plus, most of the papers I wrote the last five years were about 19th century British literature or linear depreciation). So, below I've copied and pasted an article I wrote in the last hour. I include the amount of time it took because a) I'm trying to brag about how quickly I can throw together some jokes and make it look sexy, and b) I've done next to zero editing and this is a very rough draft.

The point is, feedback is much appreciated. A brief comment of "Haha" or "Shitty" would brighten my day more than a never ending table of already folded jorts. If no one is interested and strictly wants Russian hockey updates on this blog, that is understandable too, and you'll never see another forced punchline here again (or one that isn't hockey related at least).

Anyways, just thought I'd preface the below article with this rather than posting it and having everyone reading it confused and waiting for a Pat King quote. Enjoy.

Disturbing Trend: Majority of Americans Not Careful When Wishing

CHICAGO, IL—A report released by the University of Illinois Psychology Department this past Tuesday declared that despite repeated warnings, the vast majority of Americans are not careful what the wish for.

“The citizens of this country are blessed to live in the greatest country on Earth and I truly believe that this is the land of opportunity,” Jacob Sheffield, head of the school’s Psychology Department said. “But there are limits.”

Sheffield’s team conducted their research over a three year span, dating from December of 2007 to December of 2010.

“Take Darren Phillips of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,” Sheffield said, citing one of the many cases in the finding. “On November 4^th of 2009, Mr. Phillips wished for a fire to break out in his high school all because he was not properly prepared for a Spanish quiz. The ramifications for such an ill-conceived wish far outweigh the benefits. It is mind boggling.”

When asked to comment, Phillips showed no signs of remorse.

“My parents had already grounded me earlier in the month because I bombed a calculus test. I ended up missing homecoming because of that stupid quiz and I heard Ashley Roberts was grinding up on everyone.” Added Phillips, “God damn I really could have used that fire.”

Phillips’ wish was not a rarity though, as nearly 89% of the wishes made during the study involved some sort of threat to human life.

“Over four million people wished for a zombie apocalypse,” Sheffield said. “And that was just in 2007.”

Other wishes to garner over one million hits included the detonation of a nuclear bomb, a tidal wave like the one in “Deep Impact”, and walking in on Jennifer Anniston showering.

“I think a study like this reveals a sad truth about Americans,” newly appointed Speaker of the House John Boehner said. “It shows that, as a people, we are reckless when it comes to our imaginations.”

Boehner is as reckless as his fellow citizens however, as the report indicated that in the spring of 2010 he wished for Senator Robert Casey (D) to come down with throat cancer so that he would no longer have to hear “another boner joke ever again”.

For many Americans, regardless of any data that may come out, they are going to continue throwing caution to the wind when daydreaming.

“So what if I think it would be awesome for my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend to be convicted as a serial rapist?” Kevin Adams of Louisville, Kentucky said. “I bet I don’t look so bad after that trial. She’d be back in my arms before he could plow another unsuspecting jogger.”

If there is any silver lining, it is that Americans are not alone when it comes to selfish wishful thinking. Scientists in Denmark have been conducting a similar study for two years, one which focuses on a global scale. Though the results have not yet been finalized, early numbers indicate that other countries are just as brash in their wishes.

“Western Europe and Russia are pretty much on a similar level with the United States,” Johan Paulsson, the head of the Danish research team said. “We found high levels of human endangerment in nearly every realm of the world, with the reasons behind the wishes ranging from ‘unrequited love’ to ‘it would just be cool to see’. The only country we have come across so far that appears to be practicing safe wishing is Ethiopia, where 100% of the wishes tabulated so far are “dinner”.

For now, all that Sheffield can hope for is that his team’s research opens the eyes of some Americans.

“It’s hard for me to say what exactly I expect to happen when people see this data. Hopefully they will be shocked and begin to curb the irrationality of their wishes,” Sheffield said. “More likely though, the US populace will continue hoping that the old lady in front of them doesn’t see the uncovered manhole.”