Stats Through Three Games

Soviets Collapse in Overtime

It took all but six seconds of overtime for Scott Smith to end last night's thrilling contest between heated rivals Prestige Worldwide and the Red Army. The rugged forward raced to a loose puck after Brian Hendricks won the the overtime faceoff for the comrades. Smith reached the puck first and cut right through the gut of the defense towards goaltender Andy Schram. Defenseman Ryan Odell tried to tie up Smith, dragging him down in the process, and both bodies collided with Schram and the net. In the midst of the carnage, the puck squeaked across the goal line, giving Prestige the victory by the narrowest of margins, 5-4 in overtime.

"This is a tough pill to swallow," Captain Steve Hand said after the game. "We were ahead all game, but we couldn't close it out."

Hand, who made his debut on defense tonight, was quick to point out some positives as well. "Without a doubt, this was our strongest game of the season. Defensively we played well and offensively we got some timely goals. [Schram] played lights out. It's tough when you play this way and you lose, but you just have to keep your head up. We got a point and hopefully we got our groove back too."

Hand then did an add for Infinity Contacts, claiming that he recently had gotten both his vision and game back.

Mark Hendricks started the scoring midway through the first. After being denied on a one timer in tight, Mark collect the rebound and jammed home the second attempt. The goal was set up beautifully by the other Hendricks, Brian, after the elder of the twins battled in the corner and found Mark in the slot.

"It's good to play on offense," Brian said. "Beege can make some plays. Beege cannot, however, put the puck on goal. This makes Beege sad."

Moments after making it 1-0, Pat King doubled the lead to make it 2-0. King drove hard to the net and buried a rebound that had come off a Mike D'Ignazio shot.

"Crash the net and smash [women]," King said. "That's what I do."

Added D'Ignazio, "Me too, except that last part. That sounds violent."

Prestige Worldwide got on the board early in the second period. A neutral zone gaffe allowed Smith to break in alone on Schram, firing a snap shot just above the goalie's blocker.

"It was a costly turnover," White admitted after the game. "Clearly there is still some carbon monoxide lingering."

Continued White, "I hate carbon monoxide, hate it!" He said like this.

After bringing the game to within one, the Prestigious team kept the pressure up. The puck was deep inside Soviet territory for much of the middle stanza, as breakout attempts were thwarted and the time and space that existed earlier in the game had vanquished. Only a few shifts later, the game was tied.

"We were scrambled in our own zone," Tony Horton said. "We had no answer for their cycling. They were having their way and we couldn't stop it. We needed a solution. A.... final solution." Horton then laughed maniacally and stroked s cat until his 11:00 pm game started.

On the faceoff immediately following Prestige Worldwide's second goal, Brian pushed the puck ahead to Mark, and the perennial all star fired a snap shot top shelf where people not allowed to ride Superman: Ride of Steel cannot reach.

"I won't lie," said Mark Hendricks of his second goal, "that was my favorite goal I have scored in the last few seasons."

Reporters then asked Hendricks about the loss and beginning the season with three straight losses.

"Like I said," answered Hendricks, "my second goal tonight was beautiful."

The Comrades took a 3-2 lead into the intermission, but a late cross checking penalty by Hand put the Comrades behind the eight ball to start the 3rd, and the Tuxedos capitalized.

"I wasn't able to come out and play the shot," Schram said about the power play goal scored against him in the 3rd period. "He was in my crease. If he comes back in my crease, well, you don't want to know what will happen."

Schram then did this.

The Comrades would claim the lead once more later in the period. On a three on two rush, Horton fired a backhander and stormed the crease for the rebound. The puck slid behind the net, and Mark Hendricks picked it up and stuffed home a wrap around on the backhand.

"Any questions about my hat trick goal?" Mark asked the throng of reporters situated around his locker stall. "I will also be accepting questions about my hat trick goal. Anyone? Going once.... going twice.... going....two and hallllf times..... you're missing out.... going two and three quarters........"

"Are you concerned with the poor start that your team has-"

"Time's up!" Hendricks interrupted the reporter.

The lead would be relinquished only seconds later, on a fluky deflection. A slap shot by a Prestige player ramped up a stick and into the air. Hand swatted at it, grazing the puck with his glove, and redirecting the puck off the crossbar and behind Schram.

"Not sure how that happened," Odell said. "Historians years from now will crank out documentaries on that shot. Was there a second shooter? Probably."

With the score tied at four, the Comrades stacked their line for the final minute and change, but chances were steered aside and the horn sounded to end regulation. Then it was Smiths' turn to play the villain, thrusting the dagger into the collective hearts of Mother Russia as he tackled in the game winning goal.

"It's a tough loss, but it's a good loss too," ex-Prestige Worldwider D'Ignazio said. "Ugggh, no, it's a bad loss. I can't do this optimist thing, Hendricks!"

"Just to clarify, I'm going to shoot a Vietnamese boy." Schram said.

THREE STARS:

3: Tony Horton

2: Brian Hendricks

1: Andy Schram

A Summer Fling

I'm convinced that the season of spring is a myth. It doesn't exist. People claim that it is spring right now, but in reality, we all know it is summer. It is hot outside. It is uncomfortable. It is sticky, it is muggy, it is humid. A weather snob today told me that it is not officially summer until the summer solstice, which occurs when the sun reaches the northernmost point in the sky. Ok Galileo, then explain why the sweat from my balls has reached the southernmost point of my calves.

You can't? I can. Because it's summer and I'm going commando.

Don't get me wrong, there are some redeeming qualities about summer. Despite it being the asshole of all seasons and monopolizing the calendar, it does have its perks. Namely, vacations. Most people take vacations in the summer. Kids are off from school too, and in general, women wear less clothing. So you see, it's not all bad. There are three things good about it right there. But three things hardly validate an overall shitty product. You couldn't make that excuse about other things.

Man 1: "It's got great acceleration, fuel efficiency, and it handles exceptionally well."
Man 2: "Yes, but it is still a Vespa."

Plus, summer doesn't even have that many holidays. Only two by my count, Independence Day and Labor Day. Look, don't get me wrong, I love America and I love childbirth this, but on the hierarchy of holidays, those two fall near the bottom. They're no Christmas or Thanksgiving, that's all I'm saying. I appreciate the days off from work, but I could use some presents or turkey, or at the very least, some Gold Bond for the old sackeroo.

But for all the shit I give summer, it does boast something special to me: the most competitive season of hockey. Yes, the winter and fall seasons (fuck spring, it's a myth) are competitive, but the summer season is more competitive. More teams, more skill, more flags, and more fun. Rivalries that only exist for only one season out of the year flare up like STDs. An influx of college kids booster lineups to make the gray line between Silver South and Silver North even grayer. And lineups? Well if you thought fielding a decent lineup was hard enough, just wait until the summer when half of the team goes on vacation.

For the Red Army, after winning three consecutive championships, they have gone three consecutive seasons without winning a championship. The last of their triumphs was this time last year- in summer. They are still the reigning summer champions, but the merit of said title is about as valuable as a degree from College in PJs. They certainly have the talent to put together a decent season and go on a run in the playoffs, but it's got to be with a defense-first attitude. We'll see if the roster changes made this off season can help push them back into the promise land... which I pray to Allah is air conditioned.

As Promised...More

There are 16 different companies vying for the rights to sponsor the Red Army this summer season. Though the club has not revealed any of the 16, sources close to the R.A.D. have confirmed a few of the rumored names. Among them, "Yoo-Hoo", "Microsoft", and "Natural Light".

"As owner of the organization, I am legally and contractually obligated not to speak of any potential sponsorships," Red Army Chairman and Majority Owner Don Cheadle said. "I will say though, that my Oscar-nominated performance in Hotel Rwanda was pitch perfect. And Father's Day is just around the corner, the Ocean's 11 trilogy makes a great present."

How do the players feel about being sponsored? It varies.

"It depends who," Captain Steve Hand said. "I wouldn't want a big logo of 'Depends' on my jersey, but I think if we were sponsored by Fruity Pebbles or the Navy SEALs, that would be cool."

"I don't want to be sponsored, I think it's stupid," Mike D'Ignazio said. "Anyone who wants sponsors is an idiot. What are we, from Europe? Are we NASCAR?"

"The more sponsors the better," Mark Hendricks said. "I want that cool European look where your jersey looks like a NASCAR car."

"I'll only be sponsored by one company," Ryan Odell said. "Jack Link's."

"I think we should be sponsored by the Sterling Fire Department, since ya know... they saved our lives," Jason White said.

"Volkswagen is a good company," Tony Horton said. "Or Hofbrauhaus."

"If we're sponsored by anything from Germany, I'll quit," Andy Schram said.

With the season only four days away, most players are just hoping the name doesn't change.

"As long as we're still the Red Army, I'm happy," Pat King says. "But if we're 'Tyler Perry Presents: The Red Army', well then, there might be a problem."