Red Army Falls Yet Again to... Wait... We Won? We Won?!?

The last time the Red Army won a game, a slice of pizza cost only a nickel, schools were segregated, and Woodrow Wilson was president.... of his elementary school. Yes, many years have passed since the team clad in red last scored more goals than their opponent. So many years, that this journalist forgot the feeling. The feeling of victory. The feeling of not being disappointed like a small Jewish boy on Christmas. The feeling of looking at your opponent after the game and thinking, nay, knowing, "It sucks to be you right now."

Well, all those feelings returned on Sunday night. They returned in feral waves, like memories triggered from catching the scent of an ex's perfume or the aftertaste of homemade Eastern-European moonshine. A scent or taste so bitter or euphoric it's tattooed on your memory. Sunday night's 10-1 pounding of the Easton Fections was the cathartic trip down memory lane. A joy ride through the old neighborhood. The Soviets scored early and often. Then they scored again. It was a team so frustrated with losing, for 45 minutes they possessed an insatiable desire to dominate.

It was the scene you shield your eyes from in the cinema.

But before we proclaim this the turning of the worm or the awakening of a giant, we first must give credence to the facts that others will quickly point out: the lineups. To the Red Army's credit, they defeated the Easton Fections, a team that even after the loss, still sits near the middle of the pack with a 4-6 record, and despite the 11:00 pm start time, was able to field a full roster. The Red Army on the other hand, were aided by some hired guns. Without Mike D'Ignazio, Steve Hand, Pat King, Dan Merold, Ryan Odell, Jamie Simek, Andy Schram, and Jason White, the Soviets relied on regulars Pete Collis, Mark Hendricks, and Tony Horton, as well as fill in goaltender Matt Dixon and loyal allies to the Red Army, Brian and Neal Hendricks. Though the one-sub underdog story is compelling, it loses some appeal when there is that much talent on the bench (albeit a short one). At the Plex, so often speed makes the difference, and if Mark Hendricks is your slowest skater in a game, chances are you're in good shape, or, great shape.

Horton started the scoring a few minutes into the game on a one time rocket from the point. The play began in the corner when Mark dug the puck out of a scrum and fed Brian at the point. Brian quickly dished the puck over to Horton who blasted a shot through a screen set by Neal in front.

"We were talking a lot out there from the start. I heard Beege yell to Mark that he was open, and then right away I called for it," Horton said. "It's the little things like that which make a huge difference." Continued Horton, "Plus that shot was probably the hardest of my life."

Moments later Neal scored his first of five after a long goal mouth scramble. After shots by Pete, Brian, and Mark were all stopped, Neal corralled a rebound and fired it into the top part of the net.

"Goal!" Neal said.

Defensively, the Comrades shut down Pearson and the Easton Fection attack, including a penalty kill in the first after Mark took an unsportsmanlike penalty for throwing Pearson's stick.

"He hooked the [expletive] out of me, so I told him to [expletive] off," Mark said. "I also threw his [expletive] stick." Mark, who was clearly frustrated from being mired in his longest goal-less drought of his career, would snap out of it in the second frame.

After setting Neal up for two goals in the opening minute of the second period, Mark finally ended the drought. Brian took the puck wide of the net into the offensive zone and backhanded a no look pass back across the slot where Mark had crept into. Mark one timed the puck into the vacant cage. His reaction? Pure elation.

"I know we were up 5-1 at the time and dominating, but I couldn't help but jump on Brian. I was so happy to finally score," Mark said. "I almost tackled him. I'm back baby! I'm back!"

Said Brian, "I hate when he scores because I always get jumped on."

The rest of the game continued with more and more goals. Pete scored on a breakaway. Brian scored on a one timer. Mark scored on a one timer. Neal scored on a breakaway.

The goal of the game went to Neal, who showed that in the hands department, he may be unseating Mark shortly. Mark sent a slap pass through the seam to Neal on the power play, and Neal tipped the puck up in the air. The puck ramped up his stick and deflected off the crossbar. The puck ricocheted right back to him, and without missing a beat, Neal batted the puck out of mid air and past the goalie who was still reacting to the initial deflection.

"Five goals, enough said," Neal said.

"Five goals and zero assists," Brian added. "I finished with a goal and three helpers. I'm the complete player."

Pete Collis then interrupted the twin debate, saying, "Boys, it's 12:30 am. I have work in the morning." Collis then entered the rocket ship he parks outside of the Plex and blasted off to his summer house on Jupiter.

THREE STARS:

#3: Tony Horton (1 goal, 4 assists)

#2: Neal Hendricks (5 goals, 0 assists)

#1: Mark Hendricks (2 goals, 7 assists, 0 droughts)

"It's not about finishing first, it's about not finishing last"

- Plato, when asked about Red Army's 2011 summer season.