A Eulogy for the 2011 Summer Season Red Army

Ladies and gentlemen, today we are gathered here to remember the 2011 Summer Season Red Army. As I look out into the pews, I see a lot of eyes welling up with tears. I see sullen faces wearing blank, empty stares. Undoubtedly, many, if not all of us, have asked ourselves in the recent days, "Why? Why did they leave us so soon?" There is a void in our hearts which we cannot rationalize. An emptiness that seeps through our veins and cripples us, rendering us defenseless to a never-ending army of "what if's...". My friends, I know we are starving for good news. We seek any sliver of solace that can be salvaged from this tragedy. I overheard one woman say to her daughter in the vestibule earlier, "it's true what they say, only the good die young." Friends, I believe we can make an amendment to that adage. If there is anything these past three months have taught us, it is that the underachieving are also more than capable of dying young.

Yes, behind me are the 11 caskets of the fallen Comrades. All of them occupied with a Soviet who fought bravely and ineffectually in the battle at Puck Ewes. Well, I should clarify. All but Dan Merold's casket is occupied. His is empty. We never were able to find his body.

These 11 brave souls skated with pride, fought with dignity, and played with class. They also lost with class, lost with dignity, and lost with pride. Other ways they lost include, but are not limited to, because of poor defensive zone coverage, by not converting on power plays, committing untimely penalties, and not clearing the fucking puck out of the fucking zone. They were a frustrating bunch to watch, but they were our bunch, and I imagine they're smiling down on us now.

Except for D'Ignazio. He's rotting in hell for those lifestyle choices of his.

You see the center casket is that of Captain Steve Hand: a true leader and American hero. Time and time again he has rallied the troops and led a the team into battle. It appears that this one battle was too fierce a fight for even the ol' Cap'n, but he still went in anyways. It's a true testament to his leadership skills that he did not even complain when moved to defense midway through the season. He is the polar opposite of Hendricks, who complains whenever he has to come back onto his side of center.

Next we must talk about Pete Collis. Oh Pete Collis.

Ryan Odell and Pat King are also among the fallen. No two Soviets increased the collective sex appeal of the team as much as these two. Though their efforts on the rink are well documented, it was their work spreading HIV, and its awareness, to poorer countries that people will remember them most for. Rest in peace you two, you've changed a lot of lives.

Jason White was a battler. He played a blue collar game and played it with a mean streak. Though he was a great locker room presence and helped to create a winning environment since joining the Red Army a few seasons ago, he was bad for the Earth's environment. His autopsy revealed that he had inhaled an unreasonably high amount of carbon monoxide, and since that fateful generator episode of last spring, had single handedly eliminated the O-Zone layer by exhaling regularly over the next three months.

Tony Horton has been laid to rest as well. In his casket, sits not his body, but an urn containing his ashes. Karma dictated that he be cremated.

The casket for Jamie Simek is the only casket of the bunch to have a vanity plate, which aptly reads, "Brah dead". He's also the only member of the team to continue to fart even after death. It appears his unfinished business was actual business.

Lastly, we come to Andy Schram. It was Schram who played the most valiantly in the battle at Puck Ewes. He did everything in his power to keep the team alive, but in the end, he could only do so much. He will be honored however, as a graphic t-shirt designer has decided to make a shirt with images of Schram's face, a velociraptor, and the Alamo, with the words "Never Forget" written out in glitter.

My friends, we must hold our heads high. We must remain forward moving and not succumb to the darkness of sorrow. If there is one thing we have learned this season, one truth we can hang our hats on, one thing the 2011 Summer Season Red Army taught us, it is this: sometimes your best, is still pretty shitty.

And also that Mike D'Ignazio is burning in hell.