Soviets Extend Streak to 7

The Red Army handily defeated the Cryptic Stench last night 8-2 and improved to 9-4 on the season, extending their current win streak to seven games. The effort was championed by the brothers Hendricks, as the trio combined for 17 points.

There will be much more from tonight's victory tomorrow, but for now, everyone out there in the Motherland should know this: the ten dream season is still alive.

Stats Through Thirteen Games

Wednesday Practice

The Soviets just wrapped up an optional practice here at Yoo-Hoo Plex a few minutes ago. All but three players (Mike D'Ignazio, Ryan Odell, and Jamie Simek) attended the practice run by Trotz-Stalin. Most of the practice focused on the penalty kill and one on one drills.

The highlight came at the end, when the players took part in a shootout contest. If the player scored, he was free to head to the locker room. Steve Hand, Pat King, and Pete Collis all scored on their first attempts. Scott Hoefer and Ben Breiterman scored on their second attempts. Tony Horton scored on his fourth attempt and Jason White scored on his fifth attempt. Mark Hendricks did not score until the 37th attempt, and it was only after practice goaltender Dominic Tretiak vacated his crease because, "this [stuff] was getting ridiculous".

At this point, for unknown reasons, should the Comrades enter another shootout, Hendricks is still expected to get the nod.

"He's a goal scorer," Trotz-Stalin told reporters after the practice. "Well, sometimes. He has scored at least one goal before. This we know."

Trotz-Stalin also explained his thoughts on players taking the optional practices off.

"Simek and Odell are excused, they had some bumps and bruises to heal. As for D'Ignazio, well, there's a Russian expression for how I feel about him."

The expression?

"It is better to have a bird in the hand, then no hands at all."

You're guess is as good as mind, people.

Noon Number: 2

The number of games left in the regular season for Red Army.

EDITORS NOTE: Big time blunder earlier, sorry folks.

Red Army Wins Sixth Straight

Somehow, someway, the Soviets were able to beat the Grenades last night by a score of 4-3. Reports are still coming in from the scene, but we can report right now with 100% certainity that the winning streak is alive.

We will update this blog with more news as it breaks.

UPDATE: Ryan Odell had one goal.

UPDATE: Latest reports indicate that Pete Collis also netted two goals, while everyone else "had like, 1,000 assists".

UPDATE: CNN is reporting that fill-in skater Kevin Wright scored the GWG and that Steve Hand took upwards of 60 shots.

Noon Number: 100

Percentage of Tony Horton's goals that are game winning goals. The Big Rig has two goals on the campaign and both tallies were game winners (10/6 vs. Grenades and 11/6 vs. Prestige Worldwide).

Wednesday Practice

The Soviets are holding a practice this morning at Red Army Yoo-Hoo Complex and from the looks of it, all but two players are on the rink. The two players missing are forwards Pat King and Mike D'Ignazio. It's unclear why they are not out there right now, but we will follow up on their statuses after practice.

For now, the Comrades are engaged in a fast-paced practice, with a focus on special teams and breakouts.

Jamie Simek seems especially excited about the breakouts, and the defender has been heard multiple times yelling "Hey crisp outlet pass, hey."

UPDATE:

King was taking a maintenance day to heal some "light bumps and bruises", coach Trotz-Stalin said. D'Ignazio meantime is more of a mystery. All Trotz-Stalin said was, "He knows why he isn't here, and that's that."

With 7-5 Win, Soviets Now 7-4

A little over a month ago, when the Red Army laced up their skates to face Prestige Worldwide, they were out-hustled, out-muscled, and ultimately outscored 5-1. The loss at that time was the Soviet's third straight, and dropped them to 1-3 for dead last in the division. In the 36 days between contests, the Red Army went 5-1, allowing only 19 goals in that span while scoring 28. When the two storied franchises met again last night, it was the Soviets who dictated the pace of the game, out-skated their opponents, and gained the two points, while also extending their winning streak to a season-high five games.

"Another solid win," Captain Steve Hand said. "We made smart plays, getting the puck deep and making smart changes. We're starting to look more and more poised as the playoffs approached."

Mike D'Ignazio, who seldom says anything positive regarding anything, somewhat agreed with the captain.

"It was a good game, but we still made a few too many mistakes. We stopped playing for a few shifts, and the 3-0 lead became 3-2. I think there are some positives to take away from the effort tonight, but there are also some negatives. Let's not get overly-excited people. I'm a leveler, that's what I do. If you're happy, I'll bring you down a few notches. But, if you're sad, I'll also bring you down a few notches as well. Leveler, I am."

D'Ignazio started the scoring early in the game when he took a Hand pass (legal, because "Hand" was capitalized) and fired a wrist shot just above Hanley's glove. Moments later, D'Ignazio sprung Odell for a breakaway and the defender converted.

"That was my annual breakaway," Odell said. "It marks the official start of winter."

With the score 2-0, the slumping first line extended the lead to three by netting their first goal since Nam October. Pat King won a faceoff to Mark Hendricks in the offensive zone. Hendricks made a drop pass to King, who then fired the puck on net. The puck snuck between Hanley's pads and out into the crease where Hendricks backhanded the puck into the net.

"That was a big goal for us," Hendricks said. "We needed that in a big way. We had played a real solid period but hadn't scored yet. It was nice to get one, I was really frustrated from not scoring... both in a hockey sense, and in a sexual sense."

Continued Hendricks, "But mostly in a sexual sense."

With the score 3-0 after the first, the mantra on the bench was to keep it up.

"Oh hey best period of hockey we've played this season, heyyyy," Jamie Simek said. Simek then farted and aggressively asked everyone around him to smell it.

The Pretentious Global Affair tallied two early goals in the middle stanza to make it a game. The first came on a rush up the rink when a defender activated, and the second came when Odell misplayed the puck directly into his own net.

"It's going to be a long winter," Odell said.

The Comardes fought back though, cycling the puck and enjoying extended periods of pressure in the Prestigious zone. Their best chance came when Hendricks rang iron on a one timer from the left face-off circle. Moments later, Pete Collis would thread a pass to Hendricks for another one timer, and this time the sniper officially busted the slump, ripping a high slap shot past Hanley.

"I saw [Hendricks] last second," Collis said "I mean, I honestly could have skated in another ten, fifteen feet, but I fired a pass down low. Clearly, with that pass I demonstrated that I am more fit to play offense than defense, and that the coach will definitely-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Hendricks interrupted. "I didn't know we had a coach."

The Soviets cashed in one more time in the frame to increase the lead to 5-2, when King fired home a centering feed from Hendricks. Though the puck went seven-hole, and was not King's vintage top shelf shot, the forward was still pleased with the goal.

"That was my second goal on the campaign," King said. "Obviously well below my average. But we're heating up now, so if we can generate some offense and get hot as we enter the playoffs... well baby, we'll have a stew going."

"I'm stewing right now," Simek chimed in, before sharting.

The Soviets flirted with disaster several times in the third, allowing PW to close the gap to two goals, but never any closer.

Tony Horton scored the eventual game winner while shorthanded. He fired the puck 150 feet from the goal, but after the puck ricocheted off a Prestigious defenseman, Hanley did not have time to react. It was the second strangest play of the game for Horton, who late in the game yelled something loud and probably German.

"It was a war cry," Horton explained. "No, I actually was yelling for us to clear the zone, but I sneezed during it, so what came out sounded like the mating call of a male walrus."

"It sounded like what I'd imagine a T-Rex would sound like after being kicked in the testicles," Hand said.

"I think it was more primal," Odell said. "Like when a mother Grizzly bear sees her two month old cub being attacked by a pack of wolves."

"I heard city bus," said Hendricks. "One in desperate need of oil."

"I agree with the traffic idea," D'Ignazio said, but less city bus, more Amtrak Train. Acela, actually."

"You're all wrong," King said, "That was the sound of a building being demolished, and thousands of tons of twisted steel grinding against each other."

"False," Pete Collis said. "That was the sound of Godzilla roaring as he is pounded by fighter jets."

"Guys, guys, guys," Simek said. "That's just the sound I make when I can't find a bathroom in time."

D'Ignazio tacked on another late tally on a breakaway to make the score 7-4. The Prestigious would score one late goal, but it was too little too late, as the Comrades controlled the puck the remainder of the game.

"Not bad, not bad," D'Ignazio said, who aspires to one day be an impossible-to-impress father. "My son or daughter will know not to bother me with silly macaroni necklaces or poorly constructed Valentines Day cards."

Continued D'Ignazio, "My child will also be adopted."

THREE STARS:

3: Jamie Simek

2: Pat King

1: Pete Collis

Five in a Row for Mother Russia's Boys

The Red Army increased its winning streak to five games on Sunday night with a 7-5 victory over rivals Prestige Worldwide.

There will be much more blog content to come from this win, but I just skated for eight straight hours and desperately need sleep the team flight back to Moscow departs in nine minutes, and I need to check this computer.

Check back here tomorrow afternoon, Comrades.

Stats Through 11 Games

Soviets Exorcise Demons, Extend Winning Streak to Four With Win Over Cosby Sweaters

With a little over eight minutes remaining in regulation, Ryan Odell carried the puck across center and into the offensive zone. As Mark Hendricks drove the net with a defender draped on him, Odell fired a low snap shot through the mass of bodies that squeaked through goaltender Chris Celenski's five-hole, and broke the 4-4 tie. Pete Collis tacked on an empty net goal in the final minute, and the Red Army escaped with one of their hardest-fought games of the season.

"This is the kind of game you feel great after," Captain Steve Hand said. "A huge rivalry and the way that we won... it's just, it's just so great."

Hand then elaborated on how great it felt.

"I would say the feeling is like having the girl of your dreams show up naked at your front door and say 'Let's wake up all of the neighbors with some earth shattering sex'. Then, you get a text from your boss that says, "Hey, I'm giving you a raise. You can also take the year off.' Then, your dog that passed away nine years ago shows up at your door and says, "LOL, I was sleeping. Let's play catch. Also, I now speak English... and Spanish... and I can file your taxes... Yeah, that's what it feels like."

As good of a feeling Hand was experiencing, the way the game started had many fans feeling uneasy. The Cosby Sweaters struck on their first shot of the game when Tony Horton threaded a pass to a fellow Sweater for a one time blast. Moments later, it was 2-0 after a defensive miscue in the Soviet end led to a Sweater being alone in the slot with time to pick a corner.

"Obviously, not the start we were looking for," Jamie Simek said. "But, we definitely rebounded and fought back. I mean, sure."

Mike D'Ignazio pumped life into the Soviets with a late first period goal. After defenseman Scott Hoefer disrupted a play at center, he flipped the puck ahead to D'Ignazio, who fired a slap shot short side on Celenski.

"The defender was coming to cut me off, so I went with the old slap shot," D'Ignazio said. "I guess this is the part of the quote where I'm supposed to make a gay joke, so I'll say this... gay joke."

Between periods, the focus on the bench was about keeping up the pace.

"I actually thought we should slow down," Hendricks said. "But the other guys thought if we kept up the pressure and run and gun style, their inexperience would show. It was a good strategy, but I had three McRibs this week, so the slower the game went, the less out of shape I would look. Plus, there were like two girls up there watching."

Continued Hendricks, "By the way, you can't order a McRib and not be embarrassed. You feel shame with that purchase. I'd feel more comfortable buying a blow up doll at MVC and bumping into my Pastor in the parking lot."

The fast pace continued into the second, and the Soviets got a quick goal, just 29 seconds into the frame. Hand jammed in a rebound from a Hoefer shot to even the score at two.

The Soviets would take the lead a few moments later when the Cosby Sweaters were whistled for too many men. After Hand gained the offensive zone, he made a drop pass to Hoefer. Hoefer deked past one penalty-killer and fired a shot on goal. The puck was blocked aside by Celenski, but ricocheted off of another defender in front and bounced into the goal.

"I played a lot of pool growing up," Hoefer said. "I knew what I was doing."

The lead was short lived however, as on the ensuing shift, the Pullovers belonging to the host of "Kids Say the Darndest Things" tied the game on a goal mouth scramble. Two minutes later, they had staked themselves out to a 4-3 lead on a Dante George wrist shot.

With the Comrades reeling, it was D'Ignazio who struck again late in the period to tie the game, and again he took the pass from Hoefer.

With the score knotted at four, both teams exchanged chances early in the third seeking that elusive fifth goal. The Pat King and Hendricks line had several close range opportunities, but couldn't manage to get one past Celenski.

Finally, around the midway mark of the third, Odell provided the heroics, scoring what would prove to be the eventual game winner.

"I saw some space, and I fired it there," Odell said. "That's what I do, I see gaps and I shoot for them."

Continued Odell, "My life goal is to fill the Grand Canyon with pucks."

OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES:

- Collis was pleased with his performance, and reminded reporters after the game that he has now scored the furthest distanced backhander on the season. "I don't want to brag, but that was like a 60 foot backhander. Hmmm, 60 foot backhander, I think I just found the name for my next album."

- King and Hendricks are officially slumping. Asked if he thought they could break out of it, King provided this gem, "Probably."

- Horton was spotted putting on a red jersey after Collis scored the empty net goal. "I wasn't trying to blend in with the winning team," Horton said. "That was actually my jersey for C.E.A.R.S. (Competitive Eating And Random Sports) team. I have a Lasagna Jump Rope competition at 10:15 tonight."

- Kevin Ahearn and Joe Welsh did an admirable job of shutting down Hendricks tonight, though a good spin for this bullet would be that they played into Hendricks' hands, because he knew full well that not only would D'Ignazio score, but that Hoefer would enjoy himself a career night. Check and mate, boys.

- Ted Shaffer got Shaffered, and though our editors aren't sure if we're allowed to publish that without breaking some sort of FCC violation, we're going to risk it because it's fun to say.

- Lastly, we would like to brag. Usually when we submit guesses for games, we are off by 5 to 9 goals (see: any prediction ever made on this blog). Earlier today, we guessed that the Red Army would win 6-3. Sure, that ended up ultimately being false, as they were victorious by a 6-4 margin, but come on folks, that's impressive to somebody. No? Just us? Well fine. I hope you all get Shaffered now.

THREE STARS:

3: Mike D'Ignazio

2: Ryan Odell

1: Scott Hoefer

Stats Through Ten Games

Red Army Looks to Extend Winning Streak Against Cosby Sweaters

There are games on the schedule that players circle on their calendar-- games that provide an extra level of intensity; an extra level of effort. Tonight is such a game. The Red Army, the once powerful dynamo that stringed three championship seasons together is looking to reclaim their spot in the upper echelon of the division, while the Cosby Sweaters, a team still seeking its silver-south identity, is looking to add another statement victory to its budding resume. That, coupled with the fact that these two teams share a player, at one point shared a goalie, and at several points have shared pitchers of beer, well, leave many wondering if the familiarity will breed contempt.

"It's a big game," Captain Steve Hand said. "We're friends with a lot of the guys on the other team, we've known them for a while. But, what it comes down to is that there are two points on the line, and both teams want them. It's getting late in the season now where everyone needs points and is jockeying for position in the standings."

Continued Hand. "And I'm going to jockey some bitches."

The Soviet Captain's sentiments appear to be shared by Cosby Sweaters Captain Tony Horton, who also spoke to reporters about there being no love-loss between clubs.

"I really want to win this game, this one is personal," Horton said. "I've played with [the Red Army] for a few years now, but to beat them again and sweep the season series, well, I can't help but get my lederhosen in a bunch thinking about it."

Horton then went on to explain his workout regimen this past week in preparing for tonight's tilt.

"Monday I did the McDonald's mile, where you eat three big macs, run a mile, and chug a gallon of Red Bull, it really works your core. Tuesday I did legs, so KFC, and last night I drank my body weight in soy milk."

Perhaps no player wants to win tonight more than Mark Hendricks, who has failed twice in his two cracks against the Cosby Sweaters.

"Third time is the charm," Hendricks joked to reporters after this morning's practice. "In my defense, the 10-0 blowout they beat me in last year, I was not really trying. I mean, that was a bronze game, so it would have been unethical for me to exert myself, as I am not a bronze player. What I did, losing by 10, was nothing short of admirable. Commend me."

Hendricks continued. "But tonight will be different. I think our team is playing a more well-rounded style of hockey right now, and even though they do have some good defenders, I think our attack will be too much for them to withstand. I'm not saying I'm going to dominate, but I think I will be the best player on the rink and several women will throw themselves at me afterward."

Regardless of Hendricks' vintage swagger, this game may not be the run and gun style that several predict. The Soviets have allowed the second fewest goals this season, and the Sweaters have only allowed four goals in the previous two games.

"I'm looking forward to the challenge," Ryan Odell said. "They've got a fast team, so matching speeds and gap control will be important. We've been pretty stout defensively lately, I'd like to be... stouter."

Jamie Simek, who will likely be paired with Odell, agreed.

"Ohhhh sure," Simek said, before head butting a stranger.

The Cosby defense is led by Joe Welsh, who over his illustrious career has averaged 1.1 goals, 1.6 assists, and 2.4 PIMS a game.

"I look forward to crushing these Communists," Welsh said. "I also plan on raising my career average of PIMS per game to 2.7." To do so, Welsh would need 74 penalty minutes tonight, which as he has proven time and time again, is not out of the realm of possibility.

"It's all about the game misconducts," Welsh added.

Joining Welsh on the CS blue line are half of the brothers Jacyna, Kevin Ahearn, and Horton.

"We're a pretty active defense group," Ahearn said. "We go biking every weekend."

"And tomorrow we're doing the Krispy Kreme Kilometer," Horton added.

When asked to elaborate, Horton declined, saying, "There just aren't enough words to describe the glaze."

With so many factors at play tonight, the game should provide excellent drama as well as a measuring stick for where the two teams line up as they near postseason play.

"If we win, we're right back in the thick of things," Mike D'Ignazio said. "And the thicker things get, the... ya know what, just... just imagine what I said and it will be better."

BLOG PREDICTION: Red Army 6, Cosby Sweaters 3