Soviets Defeat Shockers, Improve to 5-0

It certainly was not the most aesthetically pleasing performance of the season for Red Army, but in a game rife with turnovers, missed assignments, and just sloppy overall play, the Comrades were able to skate away with a 6-3 win, thanks in large part to timely scoring and steady goaltending.

"That was some [expletive] hockey," Captain Steve Hand said after the game. "We had chances, but we didn't shoot. And when we did shoot, they were bad shots. When we didn't have the puck, we didn't skate and even when we did have the puck, we stood still. So sloppy. Just an abortion of a game."

"That brings the total to five for me, then," Mark Hendricks said.

With the full roster present last night, the Soviets were forced to put five skaters on defense. A situation that Jason White called "the worst thing that has ever happened to me". It certainly contributed to some mishaps.

"It's tough to be as involved when there are five on defense," Pete Collis said. "When you're not playing every other shift, you just aren't as involved. If I had been playing every other shift, my shot in the second period would have gone in, because I would have been that much more finely tuned."

But he wasn't, and it didn't. Still no points for Collis on the season.

Mike D'Ignazio, enjoying his promotion to the top line, got the scoring started in the first when he was the beneficiary of a perfect pass from Pat King. The pass, which found a seam between two Shocker defenders, found D'Ignazio backdoor for an easy tap in.

"I'm not sure how that went through," D'Ignazio said. "When he set me up like that, I knew I owed him one."

More on that in a bit.

While the so called top line was off to a good start, the second line of Hand and Hendricks was less productive. The first period saw them miss several chances, and when a dropped assignment on the backcheck left a Shocker defender open, the game was tied.

"That was embarrassing," Hendricks said. "Not embarrassing like missing a wide open net or anything, but still, you get the point."

Again, more on that in a bit.

A popular adage in hockey is that the most important shift is the one immediately following being scored on. Well, King adhered to those words of wisdom, and fired a snap shot top shelf on the Shocker netminder less than a minute later to reclaim the lead.

"We were coming across in a mini two-on-two, and I saw [D'Ignazio] was executing a center-lane drive. I... you know what... let's ditch the hockey talk. I went top shelf. Why? Because I'm classy, and later tonight I'm going to have sex with groupies. Classy groupies. Groupies that follow Broadway plays and live recordings of Masterpiece Theatre. That's right, theatre with an "R-E" at the end, not "E-R". It's classy. I'm classy."

Despite the lead, the mood on the bench at the first intermission was not a joyous one.

"We were pretty [mad] at how we played that period," Tony Horton said. "So there were choice words on the bench."

When asked to elaborate, Horton began welling up with tears in his eyes.

"Why did he have to be so mean? Why did he have to say those things!"

The second line got off the schnide at the start of the second period. Simek activated down low to retrieve a rebound, and fed a pass out to Hendricks, who was covering at the point. Hendricks walked the line and fired a slow slap shot on goal. The rebound came out to Aaron Duda, who promptly fired home the rebound.

"It's been ages since I last scored," Duda said. "My last goal game during the Y2K panic." Duda, who suffered a slight injury later in the game when he was hit in the groin, downplayed the extend of the injury.

"Everything's good. At least I didn't get what Jamie got."

And, more on this in a bit as well.

With the score 3-1, the Soviets began to pull away.

After a crucial penalty kill following a Horton flare up (consult your doctor), the offensive lines were a bit jumbled. Hand and King were assembled for a few shifts as were D'Ignazio and Hendricks. Both converted.

Hand struck first, as he collected a pass near center, charged down the boards and fired a rising wrist shot that snuck inside the post.

On the ensuing shift, Hendricks fed a pass back to D'Ignazio who one-timed a blast five hole on the goalie to extend the lead to 5-1.

"My goal was actually pretty impressive," Hand said. "See, right before I got on, I told the other guys that I was - "

"Gay," D'Ignazio said. "He came out of the closet on the bench."

"What? No. I didn't say that. I said I was-"

"It's ok man," Hendricks said. "We understand."

"Yeah," D'Ignazio added, "It gets better."

Despite the inconsistent performance, the Soviets found themselves ahead by four heading into the final frame.

"It is so hard to get in a rhythm with five defensemen," White said. "Oh, we already went over that? Well [expletive] you. Worst. Day. Ever."

White then kicked a trash can over and threw a smoke bomb onto the adjacent soccer field.

The Shockers did threaten in the third, scoring early to close the lead to three. But the game was put out of reach when King buried back to back tap ins.

Err, wait.

King, should have scored his second and third goals of the game when he was set up beautifully by D'Ignazio twice, but instead he chose to play into the goalie's ego and fire top shelf of the left leg pad. After the game, King still was unable to come to grips with the misses.

"I just... I just panicked. I don't know," King said. When asked if he was still going to be "banging classy groupies" King shook his head and muttered, "What's the point, I can't even get it up."

Hendricks was able to, again, provide some insurance when he stripped a Shocker defender of the puck and scored on a nifty leave-behind backhand move.

"I only score now when the game is well in our favor. I'm above grunt work," Hendricks said. "If it's tied, if we're down by one, don't look to me. I ain't scoring. If we're up by three or four, of baby, watch out."

One more goal by the Shockers would be all they could muster, and the game would end 6-3. Before it ended however, with a little less than a minute remaining, some of the funniest friendly fire in DSPAMRHL history occurred. After Soviet fill-in goaltender Ron Whaley was bumped into in his crease, he swung his stick to hit the opposing player.

He missed and hit Simek square in the testicles.

"Arrrrrghhhmphhh," Simek said after the game. "Ohhhhh gaaaahhhh. Geeeeezzzzzzzzze (audible exhaling) ahhh, mmmmm, ahhhh. Ahhh, ok, ok... [expletive] whooossssshhhhh, ahhh, [expletive] [expletive] aaaah."

THREE STARS:

3: Steve Hand

2: Mike D'Ignazio

1: Jamie Simek