There's a point in each game where one team asserts itself over the other and takes control. It can happen in the first period. It can happen in overtime. For the Soviets, that moment came late in the first period, when Mike D'Ignazio and Mark Hendricks scored two minutes apart to take a two goal lead into the first intermission. The wind was out of the Sweaters' sails, and their strong start was a distant memory.
"Yeah, for sure the end of that opening period was big," Jamie Simek said after the game. "I mean, it was 1-1 at the time and we were struggling to get shots. Those two quick goals, like bing, bang, boom, were huge."
"Like Bing Bang Boom Shrimp," D'Ignazio added.
"Dude, no. We are not using that. It is not cool," Simek said.
"Bing Bang Boom Shrimp it is," D'Ignazio said.
"I retract our high five from earlier regarding that waitress not hitting on [Hendricks]"
EDITOR'S NOTE: She wanted it
The game got off to a shaky start for the Comrades, who surrendered the first goal near the midway mark of the first. The Sweaters were able to capitalize on a dropped backchecking assignment by Hendricks and score on a rush.
"Definitely my bad," Hendricks said. "I'm still getting my lungs back, been sick all week. I was sick tonight. Am I right? Guys? See what I did there? Oh come on!"
The Soviets tied it a few moments later when Simek took a feed from D'Ignazio and struck... the crossbar.
"It definitely hit flush on the bar," D'Ignazio said. "But our guys put their arms up and the ref, well, he gave in to the peer pressure. No complaints."
Tony Horton, captain of the Sweaters, was furious about the call.
"[Long series of expletives] serious? I mean, you have to be a [long series of expletives] with a xylophone up your [expletive] and you are going to [expletive] say that the puck went in? I swear, sometimes I think the refs are a bunch of [long series of German expletives] rabbits."
Continued Horton, "Fuck!"
D'Ignazio tallied with a little over three minutes remaining in the first to give the Comrades the lead. He took a feed from Hendricks and one-timed the puck five hole.
Two minutes later, Hendricks dug the puck out of the corner and did his patented stuff-attempt, jamming the puck behind goaltender Ron Whaley to extend the lead to 3-1.
"That stuff attempt is golden," Steve Hand said, before wheezing and laughing like a creepy 93 year old man.
In the second period, the Comrades began to pull away. Hendricks and D'Ignazio alternated tallies again to push the lead to 5-1. The Cosby Sweaters scored late in the period to make it 5-2, but another Hendricks tally, this time on a breakaway, all but sealed the deal as the game entered the third period.
"We were pretty sure we were going to win at that point," D'Ignazio said. "I was actually talking to [Jason White] on the bench about having to use the bathroom. Well, he had to use it. He said he was pretty close to, you know..."
"If I shit my pants, I shit my pants," White said.
In the third, the Soviets would score the prettiest goal of the game, and arguably season, on the power play. With Simek at the front of the net, Hendricks and D'Ignazio along the half walls, and Pat King at the point, the Sweater penalty kill unit was nothing more than a threesome of spectators. In less than a minute, Hendricks had a shot hit the side of the net, D'Ignazio hit the crossbar, and all four touched the puck multiple times. Eventually, after Simek retrieved a loose puck and sent it back to D'Ignazio. D'Ignazio fed King and King sent it right back. D'Ignazio sent a slap pass to Hendricks, who bluffed a shot before firing the puck back through the seam to D'Ignazio for a one-time blast that beat Whaley.
"I also need a new pair of pants," Hendricks said. "But for a much different reason."
Hendricks then looked around the room before continuing.
"I ejaculated in my pants. Get it? Oh come on! Guys, get it? Come on? Oh come on!"
Hendricks would tack on two more in the third as the Soviets added a few more nails to the coffin. Still, with all the Soviet firepower, they did still have lapses in defense, and just like every other game this season, Kevin Durkin was there to bail the team out. The goalie made save after save, sometimes on pucks he didn't even see, to preserve the lead. He was the primary reason the game was as lopsided as it was.
"I'm pretty happy with the performance so far," Durkin said, pausing to talk to reporters while loading his equipment into his minivan. "Tonight was interesting, because we had the puck most of the time, so I had to stay focused. To do so, I made sure to sing along to the dodgeball songs. You know, keep my rhythm."
Durkin then broke out into a seven minute acapella performance of Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain".
"She touches my soul," Durkin said. "She also touches soul food. Lay off the chicken waffles, girl."
THREE STARS:
3: Pat King
2: Kevin Durkin
1: Jamie Simek
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