Life Support

Last night marked the regular season finale for the Silver South division. How fitting it was that the two teams tasked with closing out the season were the Red Army and Trailside-- two teams with drastically different styles of play, a brewing, heated rivalry, and a catalog of online trash talk so fresh and expansive it would make Louis CK blush. As for the game itself, well, on paper at least, it should have been a blowout. One team, comprised of several all-star caliber players enjoying career years, seemed unbeatable. The other team, comprised of a ragtag group of guys who had honed their skills over the years at an area outdoor rink, were just hoping to make it competitive.

Perhaps they should have spent more time practicing.

Predictably, Team Trailside, the class of the league for years now, handily defeated the Red Army, a team that has long lingered in the dubious grips of life support, 9-5, vaulting Trailside to their fourth straight season of finishing better than last place.

"Truth be told, I'm just honored to be in their presence," Captain Steve Hand said after the game. "Their captain, Stefan, he has really assembled a great team. They're fast, they play defense, they play offense, they have great goaltending. They're the best team in the league. They're number one for a reason."

Trailside, who now enter the postseason as the #3 seed, were not shy about expressing their excitement regarding the win.

"Suck it!" Stefan Sopko yelled to each one of the Soviets as they pathetically tried to compete with their hockey overlords.

"Back on life support you queens!" Sopko yelled, while skating backwards ever so slowly. "You're all a bunch of gay boys!"

Trailside opened the scoring early in the game on a goal mouth scramble, and continued the onslaught with two more tallies in the opening frame to stake themselves to an early 3-0 lead.

"We just weren't able to generate any offense against these guys," Pat King said, pausing to genuflect as Sopko walked past, stepping on rose petals being cast in front of him by his yellow-belt interns. "Trailside is the best team around. It's impressive we were able to come within four of them. They typically win by touchdowns."

Trailside, who finished with a collective plus/minus of -18, good for sixth overall, continued to flex their offensive muscles in the second period, as they again tallied three quick strikes to extend their lead to 6-0.

"The floodgates were certainly open," Mike D'Ignazio said. "Those guys, it's like they sense the blood in the water. If you give them an inch, you've given them too much. They're the best team in the division. Maybe even all of Dulles."

Continued D'Ignazio, "I know next season there is going to be four divisions. I think they should be bronze, silver, gold, and Trailside. Only when Trailside is in a division by themselves is the world safe from embarrassing losses."

Trailside, which were defeated 12-0 by the Red Army earlier in the season, suffered a brief scare when the Soviets rallied for three quick strikes of their own, but a late goal in the second period to reestablish a four goal cushion solidified their grasp on the game.

"They're all a bunch of queers!" Sopko yelled, as he meticulously completed a three-point turn to evade a defender in the corner. "Ha, suck it!"

The teams traded goals in the third period, and Trailside held onto their four goal advantage and defeated the Red Army 9-5. In the final moments, things began to get chippy. Pat King was taken down in the corner in the waning moments, injuring his knee on the play. Sopko, always thirsty for blood, celebrated the injury, yelling, "Good take down! Yeah, suck it!"

When asked if the comments made by Trailside's captain irked the Soviets, the general consensus was no.

"He is a real leader," Mark Hendricks said. "He does everything a leader should do. His effort is unparalleled. He cheers hard for his team. Every goal they scored, whether it was to make it 6-0 or 9-3, he screamed hard and let his team know how great they are. Plus, anytime one of our guys got hit, he made sure to let us know that we were not as good. It's a very effective style of captaining a team. Granted, we have much different styles, but I hope one day to be as good of a leader as him. He offered to show me one of his seminars, but I imagine they are sold out at least through 2017."

Added Hendricks, "They're the class of the league."

OTHER NOTES AND QUOTES:

- Both quests were completed successfully (more on that later).

- Despite the loss, the Comrades were still able to complete the perfect season, going 13-1 in 14 games.

- Kevin Durkin established a team record with the lowest GAA and GA for a season

THREE STARS

3: We're

2: Not

1: Worthy